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00:00The End
00:30Now you're here
00:38And now I know just where I'm going
00:42No more doubts or fears
00:44I'm on my way
00:48Nice to see you
00:50To see you
00:51Nice
01:00Thank you very much and welcome to the show
01:05And I'd like to say it's very nice to be doing a series once again
01:08But it has been a bit upsetting not knowing when these shows are going out
01:12Because you see all the usual nights are reserved for the regulars
01:14Like Coronation Street, Weavers Green and Peyton Place and all those
01:17People like me don't get a look-in
01:19They were going to put these shows out on a Monday night
01:21But I clash with Flipper
01:22So I said, how about Tuesday?
01:25They said, oh no Tuesday, emergency wall 10
01:27I said, what difference?
01:28They said, look, they don't mind seeing Bruce Forsythe on a Friday night or a Saturday night
01:32But Tuesday night is Distillated Pancreas Night
01:35The only reason I'm here now is because Bernard Levin, you know
01:40Didn't turn up for what the papers say
01:41So they gave me this spot
01:44And they put Bernard Levin fighting Mick McManus on professional wrestling
01:47And it shows those fights are fixed because Mick McManus won
01:51A little thought about that but work it out, I can't wait
01:57But anyway, they said, alright, give him a Sunday night show
02:01And they decided with a Sunday night show
02:02They said, well, you know, everybody goes to bed early
02:04You can't do that much harm
02:05But I do give you a tip
02:06I give you a tip right here and now
02:09Don't watch all our yesterdays 25 years from today
02:13Because nothing happened today worth watching
02:17That is until now
02:19Because now I want to introduce you to my first guest
02:22Someone I've always wanted to work with
02:24The very likeable young comedy actor
02:27Mr. Michael Mebwin
02:28Right, thanks for coming along
02:43For coming along, thanks
02:44See you later
02:45And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's my great pleasure to introduce you
02:47To some mother
02:48What's that?
02:49Is that it then?
02:51How do you mean?
02:52Well, the introduction
02:52I mean to say it wasn't much, was it?
02:54After all, even Robin Hood gets an arrow flying through the air
02:57I thought I might qualify for something
02:59Oh, all right then
03:01Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!
03:05Doing!
03:06Michael Mebwin, see you later
03:07And now, ladies and gentlemen
03:08As my great pleasure Commissioner
03:09I think I prefer the first one
03:11Oh, I see
03:11You see, Bruce, I thought that we might do a little bit together
03:14Oh, how do you mean like?
03:16Well, it doesn't really matter.
03:18Oh, I know. What about, er...
03:23Dance?
03:24Yes, do you?
03:29The shoes are pretty, but, you know...
03:31Sorry he didn't like that. Arnold Blair gave me that.
03:33Oh, but he was glad to get rid of it, yes.
03:35Been worrying him for years, he does that.
03:37Well, if you don't like that, why don't we tell a few jokes?
03:39Oh, all right. I mean, you can if you want to.
03:41It's up to you. I mean, this could be the start of something small.
03:43What's that? Joke book.
03:46A joke? You can't have a joke book on my show.
03:49Oh, it's all very well for you variety artists,
03:51but I haven't got any gags up my sleeve.
03:53I'm an actor, I have to have one of these.
03:55But these jokes, that's full of the biggest lot of old rubbish
03:58you've ever read in your life. Give it here, give it here.
04:01Look, here's an old one here, here's an old one here.
04:04Comic, can you tell me the difference between a woman and a warthog?
04:07Straight man, I don't know.
04:08What is the difference between a woman and a warthog?
04:10Comic, you better check up when you get home,
04:12you might have married a warthog, I ask you.
04:17People don't laugh at these sort of things,
04:19except you and a few stragglers up there.
04:21Oh, I've gone right off this lot, I'll tell you that.
04:24No, there's a lot of old rubbish in there,
04:26a lot of old rubbish, you don't want that.
04:27Do you mind, could I have my book back?
04:29Oh, I'm sorry, it's my mistake.
04:30Well, Bruce, if you don't like that one, let's do another one.
04:33Oh, here's a good one here, and I thought we might do this one.
04:35I come on and say, I've got a shilling in this pocket,
04:37a shilling in this pocket, a shilling in this pocket,
04:38how much have I got?
04:39And you say, three shillings, and I say, no, four.
04:42I've got a shilling in this pocket.
04:44Oh, that's funny, and that's visual too, they'll love it on the screen.
04:47We'll do that one, we'll do that one.
04:48Five, yeah.
04:49Laugh, it'll never go, it'll never go.
04:51I say, I say, I say, I've got a shilling in this pocket,
04:54a shilling in this pocket, a shilling in this pocket,
04:55how much have I got?
04:56How much have I got?
04:56Three shillies
04:57That is correct
04:57You should say four
05:02You should say four
05:03But you see Bruce
05:04When I went off
05:05I suddenly realised
05:05I've only got three pockets
05:06In this suit
05:07Yeah but you make out
05:08You say I've got another shilling
05:09In this pocket
05:09I haven't got a pocket there
05:11Well it doesn't matter
05:12Pretend, pretend
05:13That's no good
05:14If I put a shilling in there
05:14It falls on the ground
05:15Never mind
05:16Go off and do it properly
05:17And pretend you've got a shilling
05:18In this pocket
05:19What a foolish
05:20I say, I say, I say
05:22I've got a shilling in this pocket
05:23A shilling in this pocket
05:24And a shilling in this pocket
05:25How much have I got?
05:25Three shillies
05:26No four
05:27I've got a shilling in this pocket
05:28No not my pocket
05:29Your pocket
05:31Go off and do it properly
05:32All these straight people
05:34I say, I say, I say
05:36I've got a shilling in this pocket
05:37A shilling in this pocket
05:37And a shilling in this pocket
05:38And a shilling in this pocket
05:39How much have I got?
05:40Four shillies
05:41Now Bruce
05:43You said three the first time
05:45I know
05:45Well the first time
05:46When you came on
05:47You said I've got a shilling in this pocket
05:48A shilling in this pocket
05:48And a shilling in this pocket
05:49But if your tiny mind
05:51Will go back another ten seconds
05:52When you came up
05:53The last time
05:54You said I've got a shilling in this pocket
05:55a shilling in this pocket, a shilling in this pocket, and a shilling in this pocket.
05:57Did I?
05:58Yeah, you've got four, you've got four shillings on you.
06:00No, five.
06:01How do you make that out?
06:02Because I've got a shilling in this pocket.
06:03Oh, get off, get off.
06:12I wish I'd have let him dance now.
06:14I thought I was stage struck.
06:15But I may seem a little impatient.
06:17Well, I am right now because I want to introduce you now to my next guest star,
06:21my favourite glamour girl, Miss Diana Dort.
06:25Hold it.
06:34Hold it.
06:35Don't move.
06:37Why?
06:37Has something fallen off?
06:39No, I want you to walk towards me as I've always dreamed of.
06:43Now.
06:44Walk.
06:45Move.
06:49That wasn't much of a move, wasn't it?
06:52You used to be such a lovely mover.
06:54What happened to the slink?
06:56The slink?
06:57Yeah, the slink.
06:58With the mink.
07:00I think.
07:02Well, I've never slunk with a monk.
07:04No, I want to see you as I've always seen you, soigné, sophisticated, aloofed.
07:10Oh, well, Bruce, actually, the reason that I hurried on a little bit like that was because
07:15when you announced me, I was just in the middle of finishing off a glass of beer.
07:20Beer?
07:20Dying at doors drinking beer?
07:23Beer?
07:23Beer?
07:23Beer?
07:23But darling, you should be, you should be drinking champagne and eating caviar.
07:27What, with a glass of beer?
07:29Oh, you've completely shattered your image, Diana.
07:33I mean, you walking on like that is like seeing Godfrey Wynn in football boots.
07:38Or Mrs. Thursday in a bikini.
07:43Yeah.
07:44Or Billy Cotton in a wig.
07:47Or, uh, have you ever had the feeling you've lost the trend of the whole conversation?
07:51I know what you're talking about, Bruce.
07:54You mean all those films I made where I used to take hold of the leading man's hand.
07:58That's it, that's it.
08:00And then glide seductively over towards a settee.
08:03It's a settee right over there.
08:05No, no, no.
08:06You stay there and I'll show you.
08:09I used to glide seductively over towards the settee, beckoning him with my eyes.
08:16And then I'd, I'd signal him to come and join me.
08:21And then we'd do a love scene.
08:25That's right, that's right.
08:25Yes, yes.
08:26Oh, oh.
08:27Apart from the fact you've broken my strap.
08:30So good, you've never had that.
08:32Got a safety.
08:33It's all very well in film.
08:35It's all very well anywhere, yes.
08:39I only do that sort of the thing because the director tells me to.
08:42Oh, yes.
08:42Well, where is he?
08:43Can't we find him?
08:43Somebody tell her.
08:44Bruce, that is not the real me.
08:47Oh.
08:48I mean, look, you don't imagine that I run around all over the world.
08:51With a place kissing men and acting all sexy, do you?
08:54Oh, I didn't know.
08:54I made a fool of myself.
08:56I didn't know, Donna.
08:57I'm so sorry.
08:57Oh, I'm sorry.
08:58Don.
09:01Hey, Michael, she doesn't like all that.
09:03She, she saves all that for the films.
09:05You're wasting your time, Mike.
09:07Mike, you.
09:08Hold on a minute.
09:08Hold on a minute.
09:10Have you two been introduced?
09:12No.
09:12Would you introduce us?
09:14Oh, look out, love.
09:15Look out.
09:17Michael, maybe when this is Diana Dice.
09:19No.
09:21Now, look, Michael, Michael, don't you?
09:23She doesn't like, she's saying, look, look, look.
09:24I know the trouble we took you to.
09:26You're just dying to go into an opening number, aren't you?
09:28Oh, God, sweetheart.
09:29That's what we don't, don't you?
09:30Yes, well, I know.
09:32Why don't we sing Surry with a Fringe on Top?
09:35I like that.
09:35What a good idea.
09:36You won't dance, will you?
09:37I promise.
09:37Lovely.
09:38That's fine.
09:38All right with you, Diana?
09:39I love it.
09:40Surry with a Fringe on the Top, it shall be.
09:42Take it away, Bob.
09:43Hold on, what about Surry with a Fringe on the Top?
09:47Oh, yeah, we like it.
09:48But we don't know it.
09:49Well, that's nice, isn't it?
09:51One of these days, I'll have a show of me own.
09:56When I take you out tonight with me,
10:00honey, here's the way it's gonna be.
10:04You will sit behind a team of snow-white horses
10:08in the slickest gig you ever did see.
10:24Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry
10:26when I take you out in the Surry.
10:29When I take you out in the Surry
10:32with the Fringe on top, watch that Fringe
10:36and see how it flutters.
10:38When I drive them high, step the strutters.
10:40Nosy folks will peek through their shutters
10:43and their eyes will pop.
10:46The wheels are yellow, the upholsterer's brown.
10:49The dashboard's genuine glitter.
10:52With ice and grouse curtains, you can roll right down.
10:55In case there's a change in the weather, weather.
11:02Just look at those two bright sidelights
11:05winking and flinking.
11:06Ain't no finer rig, I'm thinking.
11:09You can't keep your rig if you're thinking
11:12that I care to sew up.
11:14Oh, that's shining Surry
11:16with the Fringe on the top.
11:19The Fringe on the top.
11:49The Fringe on the top.
12:19In the shiny little Surry
12:21You will get there in a hurry
12:24In that shiny little Surry
12:27with a friend
12:28On the top.
12:32I hate lady drivers.
12:54I don't tell you another thing I hate.
12:56Michael Medwin.
12:57Well, I don't actually hate him.
12:59I just don't trust.
13:00I do hate him.
13:01I don't.
13:02No, I mean, a few weeks ago
13:04I let him have my flat for a few days
13:06on the strict understanding
13:07that there wouldn't be any girls there.
13:08And I came home rather unexpectedly.
13:12See you, Sue.
13:15I don't know.
13:46Oh, that should switch her on.
14:02Come in, my sweet, seductive Rose.
14:06Oh, it's you.
14:10Who else do you think it was?
14:12Are you expecting anyone?
14:13Expecting?
14:14No, it's...
14:15What are you doing here?
14:16Well, I'm entitled to be here.
14:17This happens to be my flat.
14:19I can come home if I want to, can't I?
14:21Yes, of course, but I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.
14:23Oh, well, I came back early.
14:25You sure you're not expecting anyone?
14:27Who could I possibly be expecting?
14:29Well, if it wasn't for the fact that I made you promise
14:31that you wouldn't have any girls here while I was away,
14:33I'd say you were expecting a bird.
14:36It's whatever gave you that idea.
14:38Oh, little things, little things.
14:40Soft lights.
14:41Sweet music.
14:45Bottle of afternoon neck in lotion.
14:51What's that smell?
14:52Smell?
14:53Oh, that's just something I sprayed around to make it feel more like home.
14:57Where do you live in?
14:58The ladies' hairdressers.
15:04Brucie, aren't you going out this evening?
15:08I've just got back.
15:08Yes, they tell me there's a smashing act on at the casino.
15:17I don't have to go out to see a smashing act.
15:19You're putting on a smashing act here.
15:22You're trying to get rid of me, aren't you?
15:24Get rid of you.
15:25After all you've done for me, my old pal, my old buddy.
15:30I was just thinking of you.
15:32I mean, say, Brucie, just because I want an early evening,
15:34there's no reason why you should have one.
15:36I mean, say, you could...
15:37I say, what time is she getting here?
15:40Eight o'clock.
15:41Better pour the drinks out.
15:42Yeah, I bet.
15:43No!
15:45Bruce, for the last time,
15:46I am not expecting a girl here this evening.
15:48All right, then.
15:49Well, I might as well get ready for bed, then.
15:51But, for bed?
15:53Aren't you going out this evening, then?
15:58There's a knock on the door.
15:59What's that?
16:00Yeah, you'd better answer it, otherwise they'll go away.
16:01Oh, yeah, that's right.
16:02They'll go away!
16:04Yeah, anyway, they'll only come back later.
16:06Yes, they'll only come back later.
16:08And if she does, I'll still be here!
16:15Hello, darling.
16:17Are you ready yet?
16:18Darling, there's been a hold-up.
16:21What are you pushing for, darling?
16:24Just give me ten minutes first.
16:26Michael, darling,
16:27you can have all the time in the world you want with me.
16:32Joan, darling.
16:33Rosemary.
16:37Rosemary.
16:38There is something trembling on my lips.
16:41What is it, darling?
16:43If I don't get ten minutes first, I won't get anything.
16:45Come back later.
16:47Who was that?
16:51Who was what?
16:52Talking.
16:53Uh, uh, me.
16:54Oh.
16:55I should have it seen to.
16:58No, I was, uh, just rehearsing my new play, Hamlet.
17:02Hamlet?
17:02In that voice?
17:03Yeah, I'm playing Ophelia.
17:06To be or not to be, that is the question.
17:10I should have an early night as well, if I were you.
17:13Good night, dear.
17:14Yeah.
17:14Good night, early night.
17:15All right, hold on, hold on a minute.
17:17Aren't you going to get ready for bed as well?
17:18Yes, of course, of course, yes.
17:20Yes, of course.
17:22Good night.
17:23Good night.
17:30Good night.
17:31Good night.
17:34Good night.
17:42Good night.
17:44Good night.
17:46Good night.
17:48Come off it, Mebwing, come off it!
18:18You can't keep me, you're asleep.
18:21All right then, sweep round that.
18:31I've had enough of this tomfoolery, I tell you something, there's going to be no birds in this flat as I'm putting me foot down.
18:39Oh, can't a fellow sleep, what's all this noise?
18:42No, nobody can sleep with all this walking around going on.
18:45But of course you can sleep, Brucie. You've had a tiring day. Hush-a-bye then.
18:51You're yawning already.
18:52Who is?
18:53You is.
18:54You were going...
18:56There you are, you see? Hush-a-bye then. Hush-a-bye, Brucie.
19:12La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-bye, does you want the moon to play?
19:19Yes, I want the moon to play with Uncle Marco.
19:21And a bite baby on the treat-off.
19:25La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
19:27La-la-la-la-la-la-la.
19:29Got it.
19:45He's asleep.
19:47You'll wake him up.
19:48Did you promise to take me to a show and then out to dinner afterwards?
19:51Alright, I'll take you out.
19:52But you're not ready and the show starts in quarter of an hour.
19:55Alright, give us a second.
19:59Come on, let's go.
20:17Welcome back.
20:19Welcome back to part two.
20:21And I don't know about you, but I love these special agents
20:24that you see on the films and on television, you know.
20:26And all that killing.
20:27I have a good laugh at all the killing that goes on.
20:29I mean, that kind of thing just couldn't happen in real life.
20:48Hello, Steve.
20:50It was that old girl in the front row.
20:56Oh, yes, really, really.
20:57Oh, yes.
20:59An old lady in the front row.
22:30Hello, Bond.
22:35Bruce was right.
22:36It was the girl.
27:00I do wonder.
27:01And we hope you wonder as well.
27:04Very good, sir.
27:04And you'll order your sweets later?
27:06Why not?
27:07What a grand idea.
27:08Grand.
27:09Is that all right with you, darling?
27:10Of course, darling.
27:10Holder for two.
27:11Holder for two.
27:11Holder for two.
27:11Holder for two.
27:11Holder for two.
27:11Table number seven.
27:12Yes, sir.
27:12And what would you like, madam?
27:15Pickle roll mop?
27:18It's not the pale moon that excites me.
27:23It's not the pale moon, it's pickle roll mop.
27:26It's not the pale moon, it's pickle roll mop.
27:30Certainly one pickle roll mop.
27:31Oh, no.
27:33No pickle roll mop.
27:35How about you, sir?
27:36It's just the nearness of you.
27:39I beg your pardon?
27:42It isn't your sweet conversation.
27:47A pickle roll mop, sir.
27:48Potato salad.
27:49That brings the sensation.
27:52Do you mind?
27:53Oh, no.
27:54Well, hurry up and order, then.
27:57It's just the nearness of you.
28:00Beautifully sung.
28:02So now, if you don't mind, I've got about five other customers waiting.
28:04What'll it be?
28:05When you're in my arms.
28:08Oh, I'd love to be lady, but what about egg mayonnaise?
28:12And I feel you.
28:14Egg mayonnaise?
28:15And I feel you so egg mayonnaise.
28:20Sure, egg mayonnaise.
28:21What else?
28:22All my wildest dreams come true.
28:29Oh, God.
28:32Listen, lady.
28:33Would you like some anchovy fillets in olive oil?
28:40If you'll only grant me.
28:44Of course.
28:47To hold you ever so tight.
28:50Hold on.
28:51Hold on.
28:52Some salami anchovy fillets.
28:53Oh, certainly.
28:55And to wheel in the night.
28:59Certainly, Billy.
28:59I should be singing that.
29:01And I should be serving that.
29:02Well, serve, then.
29:03How can I?
29:04Well, I don't know what you want.
29:05I'd like some of everything.
29:07With her, I don't fancy a chance.
29:10That's a nice choice little remark, isn't it?
29:13Well, now, where were we up to?
29:15We were up to...
29:16When you're in my arms.
29:19When you're in my arms.
29:19And I feel you so...
29:21I told you before!
29:28When you're in my arms.
29:32Coastal.
29:33And I feel you so close.
29:46I'm so sorry, darling.
29:51Allow me, madam.
29:53Yes.
29:59Are you sure you're all right, sweetheart?
30:01Oh, yes.
30:02Are there any more sardines?
30:04Certainly, magic.
30:06All my wildest dreams.
30:11I need no soft lights to enchant.
30:31Me.
30:33Me.
30:33Me.
30:34Me.
30:34Me.
30:34Me.
30:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
31:05Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
31:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
32:05Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
32:35Welcome to part three.
32:39One, two, three.
32:43Are you with us?
33:05One, two, three.
33:15One, two, three.
33:25One, two, three.
34:56Thank you, Pete.
35:06Thank you, Pete.
35:07Thank you, Colin.
35:08Well, now you probably wonder why we're dressed like this a little bit casual.
35:11Well, you see, I'm just on my way to a golf match.
35:13I play a lot of golf and I play a lot of these charity matches and sometimes, you know, we have to play with ladies and golf.
35:19And we sort of have a lot of fun about this.
35:22But, you know, sometimes you can get a lady champion as a partner.
35:25Other times you may get somebody who doesn't play quite so good.
35:28But anyway, I wonder what will happen today.
35:30Anthony, I think you should play the first and I'll drive the evenings, huh?
35:35Hello there, Michael.
35:36Bruce.
35:37I believe we're going around with you then.
35:39So they say.
35:40Oh, Anthony, this is Bruce Forsyth.
35:41Hello, Anthony.
35:41Nice to meet you.
35:42And this is my partner, Miss...
35:44My name is Phoebe Ramona and I'm a starlet.
35:49Her name is Phoebe Ramona and she's a starlet.
35:53Oh, crikey.
35:55I think you should have a good round with her.
35:57Yes, well, I'll let you know after I've seen her play.
36:00I think you're off, aren't you?
36:01Yes, right.
36:02Ladies first, come on.
36:03Get ready, Phoebe, get ready.
36:04Is this fun?
36:05There's fun, dear, fun, yes.
36:07Anything going off first?
36:08Oh, yeah, because it's ladies first, isn't it?
36:10That's right.
36:10Fine.
36:11Well, now, don't worry.
36:11Don't be nervous.
36:12Anywhere down there will do at all.
36:14Anywhere at all.
36:15Long as you hit it.
36:17Long as you hit it, love.
36:18That's it.
36:19Come on, away you go.
36:22Oh, good shot.
36:24Hey, where did you find her?
36:26Oh, didn't I tell you?
36:27Eighthly's too handicapped.
36:29Well, I'll leave you to Bebe Ramona.
36:31We've got a long walk, so catch us up.
36:33I think you should get about four strokes
36:35and she looks worth stroking.
36:40What a wit.
36:40What a wit to himself.
36:42Yes.
36:43All right there, dear, you drive off.
36:45Oh, well, I left my car in the car park.
36:48Oh, no, you drive off in what you're wearing, dear.
36:50You stuck.
36:50Oh!
36:52Well, I was just looking for the bat,
36:54but all I can find are these silly old stick things.
36:56The bat?
36:57This isn't cricket, dear.
36:58You use one of those stick things, you see.
37:01This is a wood, you see.
37:02That's a wood, and this is an iron.
37:05An iron?
37:06Well, how could you possibly...
37:06No, not for doing the ironing.
37:09It's written the ball with.
37:10Oh!
37:11Yes.
37:11Silly me.
37:12Oh, yes, silly you.
37:14Come on, bro.
37:15All right, it's all going to happen now.
37:16It's all going to happen.
37:17Oh, no, it isn't.
37:19No, it isn't.
37:20No, it isn't.
37:21Who's bowling?
37:22Oh, nobody's bowling, dear.
37:24You hit the ball yourself, you see.
37:25You hit the ball yourself, and here it is.
37:27Oh.
37:28Here we are.
37:28I hit it myself.
37:29Yeah, you hit it yourself.
37:31Oh!
37:33Me!
37:34I know this is for charity,
37:35but wouldn't you rather give a donation instead?
37:39What did I do wrong?
37:40You mean, apart from coming here in the first place?
37:42Well, you don't chuck the ball up in the air for a start.
37:44You put the ball down there, you see, down here, there, you see,
37:48and then you swing the club at it like this.
37:51See?
37:52But you leave the ball there.
37:53I leave the ball there.
37:53And you swing the club at it like that.
37:55Right.
37:55See?
37:56All right, come on then.
37:57Where you go.
37:58Where you go.
38:01There!
38:07You didn't hit the ball, darling.
38:09But you told me to leave it there.
38:11You leave it there, but you hit it up there.
38:14You see?
38:15Are you sure you know how to play this game?
38:17Look, look, look.
38:18Try it again, dear.
38:18Try it again, but this time, don't get a go of the club.
38:21Keep hold of the club.
38:22Right?
38:23Keep hold of it.
38:27The wrong way round, dear.
38:28Wrong way round.
38:29Oh!
38:33You're not the club.
38:34You.
38:34You're the wrong way round.
38:36That's it.
38:37You'll see, though.
38:37Come here, dear.
38:40Come here.
38:40Come here.
38:40Come back here.
38:41Look.
38:41Look.
38:42Hold on there.
38:43Hold on to the club.
38:43Now relax with your knees.
38:45Relax with your knees.
38:46And just get...
38:46This is fun.
38:47Oh!
38:47This is fun.
38:50Now look, dear.
38:51Don't...
38:51Look, dear.
38:52Look, dear.
38:52Don't...
38:52We don't want to start any of that, do we?
38:54We don't want to start any of that.
38:55We came here for charity.
38:57Let's remember that.
38:57You see, I can't say this line any other way.
39:07I've had trouble all day.
39:08Never mind.
39:10Do it himself next time.
39:11Go on, away you go.
39:12Hit it.
39:12Hit it.
39:13Hit it.
39:14Did I hit it?
39:16No, but you frightened it a bit.
39:19You see, look, you've got to keep your left arm,
39:21your left arm straight across your chest, you see.
39:24That'll be a little difficult for me.
39:26Oh, yeah, well, I didn't think about it.
39:28Anyway, look.
39:29Otherwise, you'll lose direction in many ways.
39:31Look, keep your left arm straight across your chest like that.
39:34Half turn with the hips.
39:35Cock the wrist at the top.
39:36Come down, it's in with the right hand.
39:38And have all the weight on the left foot on the follow-through.
39:41Couldn't I just bash it once?
39:42What a good idea.
39:45Look, whatever you do, whatever you do,
39:46there's your stance, you see.
39:48You start off like this.
39:49Get nice and comfortable, you see.
39:51Like that.
39:51Okay.
39:52That's what I do.
39:52That's what you do.
39:54Before you start, then you're halfway there.
39:56What are you doing, dear?
40:01This is not a cha-cha.
40:03That's what you did.
40:04I did not.
40:06Well, show me again.
40:07For goodness sake, you must be joking.
40:09You just get all...
40:10There you are, you're wiggling.
40:12Do you know I never did lower, did that?
40:15I have to watch that in the monthly medal, won't I?
40:18Go on.
40:18Yes, by the way you go.
40:20Just hit it, dear.
40:21Just hit it.
40:22No, no.
40:23Lower, lower, lower.
40:25No, hit it lower, dear.
40:26Lower.
40:28No, not you.
40:29Not you.
40:30The club.
40:30The club.
40:31Couldn't I have a longer one?
40:33You get a longer one and I'll build this up a bit.
40:36Maybe we'll get started here.
40:38The trouble is, you see, this course is too low for you.
40:42You'd have been better off at Sunningdale.
40:44So if it's got a few arms, there's...
40:46Go on.
40:47All right, then.
40:47Now, just hit it.
40:48Just hit it.
40:49What do I get for that?
40:53A bill of ten quid, I should think.
40:57Look here, look, look.
40:58Come here again.
40:59Come here, look.
40:59Just hold still.
41:00Hold still.
41:01Hold still.
41:02Yeah.
41:04We don't want to start...
41:06Once that all starts, it spoils the whole day.
41:08Now, stop it.
41:09Just get off here.
41:11At least let's get started.
41:12That's it.
41:14Right in a divot.
41:19It's my turn, it's my turn.
41:23Just my luck, isn't it?
41:25Right.
41:26Give us a bit of leeway,
41:27because I've got a nice long swing, you see.
41:28There you are, you missed.
41:30That was just a practice swing.
41:32All this, a practice swing.
41:34Right.
41:35Now, at last, we're going to get off here.
41:36I'm going to be loved by you,
41:38get you out of your way.
41:40I'm going to be loved by you,
41:42get you out of your way.
41:49Do you mind, dear?
41:56Do you mind, dear?
41:58I didn't interrupt you when you had your drive,
42:00did I, from there to there?
42:03I kept quiet.
42:04Let me have my bit of glory.
42:06I've got a bad enough lie as it is.
42:10Right.
42:13Get off, Michael.
42:14Go on, go on.
42:15Here we go.
42:16We're away.
42:16Right.
42:17Go!
42:17Hey, I thought you said
42:23you're supposed to hold on to the club.
42:25That happened to be my very best driver.
42:32I told you, we don't want to start all that.
42:36Bruce!
42:37Bruce!
42:39Oh.
42:42Hello, Michael.
42:42What are you doing in there?
42:43Looking for the ball.
42:45Oh, yes.
42:45The ball is down there.
42:47Oh, yes.
42:48So it is.
42:49Well, how about that?
42:50Yes, sir.
42:51Thanks for finding it for us.
42:52Well, we'll carry on ahead
42:53as you're carrying on here.
42:56Oh, yeah.
42:56I would do it if I were you
42:57because we're liable to be all day.
42:59She's useless, this one.
43:01Absolutely useless.
43:03Absolutely useless, she is.
43:04Absolutely.
43:06You can't...
43:07Absolutely useless, she is.
43:09Oh, it's gone into the woods again.
43:17We'll find it, won't we?
43:19What about the charity match?
43:20Charity begins...
43:21Oh, blimey.
43:24Charity...
43:26Charity begins at home.
43:30I don't want to walk
43:54Walk without you, baby.
43:58Walk without my arms about you, baby.
44:09I thought the day you left me behind
44:15I'd take a stroll
44:22And get you right off my mind
44:25But now I find that I
44:29Don't want to walk
44:32Without the sunshine
44:36Why'd you have to turn off
44:42All the sunshine
44:46Oh, baby, please come back
44:52Or you'll break my heart for me
44:56Cause I don't want to walk
45:00Without you
45:02No, son, me
45:05Bye-bye, baby
45:10Remember
45:13Remember
45:13You're my baby
45:16When they give you
45:20The eye
45:23Though you are gone
45:27For a while
45:29Remember
45:32I'll be smiling
45:34With my baby
45:38By and by
45:40By and by
45:43Oh, baby
45:46Please come back
45:48Or you'll break my heart
45:51For me
45:52Cause I
45:54Don't want to walk
45:57Without you
45:58I don't want to talk
46:01Without you
46:03I don't want to walk without you, no, sir, real, yeah.
46:17Pretty sharp, eh?
46:38Oh, who got you ready?
46:41You look marvellous, Michael, marvellous.
46:43Oh, for the finale, of course.
46:45I couldn't be more thrilled.
46:46Where's Diana?
46:47I don't know.
46:48Well, I mean, I told the pair of you that there would be a finale.
46:52I mean, you're here, Michael.
46:53Where is she?
46:54What do you expect, Bruce?
46:55She's a woman, and I'm a man.
46:58Why can't a woman be more like a man?
47:02Men are so honest, so thoroughly square, be totally noble, historically fair,
47:09who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
47:13Why can't a woman be like that?
47:16Why does everyone do what the others do?
47:20Can't a woman learn to use her head?
47:23Why do they do everything their mothers do?
47:27Why don't they grow up and be like their father instead?
47:31Why can't a woman take after a man?
47:34Men are so pleasant, so easy to flee.
47:38Whenever you're with men, you'll always leave.
47:41Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
47:44Of course not.
47:45Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
47:48Never.
47:49Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
47:52Never.
47:53Why can't a woman be like you?
47:56One man in a million may shout a bit.
48:01Now and then there's one with slight hit.
48:04One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
48:08But by and large we are a marvellous sex.
48:11Why can't a woman behave like a man?
48:14Men are so friendly.
48:16Good-natured and kind.
48:18A better companion.
48:20You never will pass.
48:22If I was hours late for dinner, would you bellow?
48:25Of course not.
48:26If I forgot your silly birthday, would you pass?
48:29Never.
48:30Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
48:33Never.
48:34Would you like a woman?
48:35Be like a woman.
48:36Be like a woman.
48:37Be like a woman.
48:38Be like a woman.
48:39Be like a woman.
48:40Be like a woman.
48:41Be like a woman.
48:42Be like a woman.
48:43Be like a woman.
48:44Be like a woman.
48:45Be like a woman.
48:46Be like a woman.
48:47Be like a woman.
48:48Be like a woman.
48:49Be like a woman.
48:50Be like a woman.
48:51Be like a woman.
48:52Be like a woman.
48:53Be like a woman.
48:54Be like a woman.
48:55Be like a woman.
48:56Be like a woman.
48:57Be like a woman.
48:58Be like a woman.
48:59Be like a woman.
49:00Be like a woman.
49:01Be like a woman.
49:02Be like a woman.
49:03Be like a woman.
49:04And nothing thinks like a thing
49:08Nothing acts like a dame
49:12Or attracts like a dame
49:15There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
49:20That can't be cured by 40 years near
49:23A girlish womanly female feminine dame
49:34A girlish womanly female feminine dame
50:04There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
50:11That can't be cured by 40 years near
50:15A girlish womanly female feminine dame
50:20Ah!
50:34A girlish womanly female feminine dame
50:42A girlish womanly female feminine dame
50:44A girlish womanly female feminine dame
50:53A girlish womanly female feminine dame
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