Warren's Vortex (2025) Season 1 Episode 5

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Transcript

00:00Tumbling through an interdimensional vortex, Warren and Lucy discover twisted versions of their own world, always hoping the next one will be home.

00:30Oh, it's Mrs. Schrodinger.

00:55Why does she keep dying? This is like the fifth time.

00:58Her clothes, it's like we've landed in some corny murder mystery cosplay.

01:03Cos-what?

01:04Cosplay. Where people dress up as their favourite characters.

01:08Remember when I dressed up as She-Hulk and left green footprints all over the house?

01:11Oh, like when your mum dressed up like a nurse for my birthday.

01:15Whoa, TMI dad. And that's roleplay, not cosplay.

01:19I used to watch heaps of murder shows with mum. Around about now someone always runs in and says-

01:23Ah! Lady Schrodinger's dead!

01:27Wow. Cosplay.

01:30Oh, Inspector, thank God you're here. What's happened?

01:34Oh! Oh!

01:37Whoa! Check out your fella's hard-out costumes! What a crack-up!

01:42You have an interesting accent, Inspector. What is hard-out, Gregor?

01:47Uh, more importantly, what on earth happened to Lady Schrodinger?

01:51Dead. I think the Vortex wants us to solve a murder.

01:55Oh, okay. I'll play along.

01:57Looks like she got...

02:01...the horn.

02:02YAAAAAAAHHH!

02:04You, Inspector! This is no time for jokes!

02:07Good Lord, man. A woman is dead.

02:10You said murder mystery. I was doing CSI my own.

02:13Wrong kind of murder tone.

02:16So, uh, who are you all?

02:19Laurel Dubois. Lady Schrodinger's nurse. And yes, I am a spinster.

02:24The Reverend Ian Worthington. I think I need a sherry.

02:32Colonel Murray Fanshawe, at your service.

02:35Maz, when did you join the army?

02:38Oh my god, she's dead. Oh, the horror. I can't stand it. I was in the war, you know.

02:48Dr. Darwin Edwards, professor of peculiar weapons at Oxford.

02:53Bull. Bridges, the gunkeeper. Always forgetting to set my cup off.

02:59I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, Inspector, but the thunder wettled the mansion which must have caused the trophy to fall from the wall.

03:06Nothing but a bit of woosh taxidermy. Spot of bad weather and a bit of what and luck, old bean.

03:12That's ridiculous. She's on top of the trophy. If it had fallen off, it would be on top of her.

03:18This is no accident.

03:23Ha! Brilliant police work, Inspector.

03:27Uh, actually, I was the one then.

03:29Oh, all of a sudden, I feel a little lightheaded.

03:32Oh, oh.

03:34Oh, Inspector, you have very strong arms. Are you sure we haven't met before?

03:41Well, uh...

03:42Inspector?

03:43Mm-hmm.

03:44I need to speak to you in private. Right now.

03:47So, it's all like one of those stupid old school English murder mysteries.

03:52If you found a dead person, you'd be traumatised for the rest of your life.

03:55But these people just carry on like, la-di-da-di-da, oh, a dead body. Better have a cup of tea, old chap.

04:00Dad, are you listening to me?

04:02Check out these out of its sweets. Look, look.

04:04Nicotine chews, whale blubber gum, black and white minstrel lollies. Racist lollies.

04:10That's the 1930s. Everything was racist back then.

04:14We're trapped in a murder mystery, and we're the detectives.

04:17So, I reckon, if we solve the murder, vortex opens. Boom shakalaka.

04:22Easy. It'll be the butler. It's always the butler.

04:24Dad, focus. I think we need to play this whole thing out, okay?

04:28They won't listen to me, but they will listen to smart Inspector Harrison.

04:35Well, I just wanted to know what it tastes like.

04:38He's dead.

04:53I suspect murder.

05:01Oh, I suspect murder.

05:03But now, it's up to the brilliant Inspector Harrison to solve this heinous crime.

05:12Ah, yes, sweet ass. Ah, ah, kia ora tatou. I bet you're probably wondering why I, the brilliant detective fellow, have assembled you all here today.

05:22Because of the murders?

05:23Aha! What do you know about the murders?

05:25Oh, Lady Schrodinger has been murdered and also now the reverend.

05:31Their bodies are literally right here.

05:34So, er, what are you, like, French or something?

05:37May we?

05:38May we answer the question?

05:40I smell arsenic in the Cherie Cherie. I know this because I am a French spinster nurse.

05:49The Cherie came from swoothing his dreams, Tway.

05:52It was intended for her. The reverend was just collateral damage.

05:56So, someone poisoned her Cherie and impaled her on the trophy?

05:59Oh, someone really wanted her dead. Although, to be fair, she was a man-

06:04No, no, no, um, her death was a great loss and she will be dearly missed, as will the reverend.

06:10When will this ridiculous farce be over? I have many things to be doing, huh?

06:15What the inspector is trying to say is, we're going to have to question you all individually to see if your stories add up.

06:21Because the murderer has to be someone in this room.

06:25I was in my quarters, rehearsing for my latest masterpiece, but little did I know that I would be cast in the real-life role of murderer.

06:46Of course, I am innocent.

06:50Wait, no. That was too wooden. May I try that again?

06:54Please.

06:57I tell you, innocent!

07:03Wow. You're brilliant.

07:07Oh, you're too kind. I'm really just a-

07:10Big, hairy bear of a man, covered in blood and gunpowder.

07:15Look, I'm not here to listen to your war stories, boomer. What I need to know is, did you have reason to kill Mrs. Schrodinger?

07:22You think that I lifted her onto those stags' hauls? Not a chance. I've got seven bullets still stuck in my chest and a dicky knee and a skittish bladder. In many ways, I left my manhood on that field in France.

07:38A manhood? Yes, it was.

07:41Yes, it was.

07:42Shrivel de lifeless, yeah. The worst souffle I've ever made. Then I heard the scream. I saw the colonel near the drawing room when I ran from the kitchen. And he was not limping.

07:57Limping.

07:59Limping. Between you and me, that man has never fought in the war. And his injuries are puh. You know, maybe some swelling around his-

08:09Glistening, low-hanging plums. I developed a real taste for them in the jungles of Makunda. Sadly, they were poisonous. I developed sepsis, lost both my hands. And I couldn't whiff anyone.

08:25With these-

08:27With these-

08:28The shaping oaks of wood. I chopped the wood to take out my frustration at the lady of the house. She shot and killed my pet stag, you see, and mounted his head on the wall. But I didn't kill her, though. I didn't.

08:44I have a question for you, Inspector. But I might. Would you help me rehearse a scene? I think you'd make a wonderful leading man. It's a love scene.

09:02Absolutely.

09:11Where is the inspector?

09:13He's, uh, just finishing his investigation.

09:19Ah, sorry. I'm late, though. I was just immersing myself in some, uh, roleplay.

09:24Well, whilst you were immersing, I've solved the murder.

09:28The killer is...

09:29The killer is...

09:42Chief Inspector Doyle. Scotland Yard.

09:46Chief Inspector?

09:48No. You're my boss.

09:50You've been drawing on your face again, Harrison.

09:55Goodness gracious me. Have you managed to solve this pickle scratchy yet?

09:58Uh, as a matter of fact, I have.

10:00I very much doubt that.

10:02All evidence points to...

10:05Beau, the disgruntled gardener.

10:07Really? Hmm.

10:09Very well.

10:11I rest in the name of the king.

10:14I didn't do nothing, Copper.

10:16But maybe I deserve present time for being a common working man.

10:21But...

10:23Someone wanted us to think it was someone else.

10:27Someone who knew the poison was arsenic and had access to pharmaceuticals.

10:33Someone who's known for their impatience.

10:35When will this be over?

10:38She poisoned the tea, poisoned the sherry, and then, when she got tired of waiting, impaled Lady Schroeniger on the stag's head.

10:45I'm very happy pebble.

10:47I deny all of this.

10:49How could I possibly lift her?

10:51Nurse Laurel, you're an Olympic gold medalist, n'est-ce pas?

10:55Mais oui.

10:56Et dans quelle épreuve avez-vous participé?

10:59Wit-lifting?

11:02Et voilà.

11:04Based on my many years of police work, and the fact that I'm a pretty awesome detective,

11:09I conclude that the murderer is none other than Mr Le Rale.

11:14And I rest in the name of the king.

11:16Fui cheers for Inspector Doyle.

11:18Hip hip.

11:19For he's a jolly good farewell, for he's a jolly good farewell, he's a jolly good farewell, and nobody can deny.

11:30But I solved the murder.

11:32Yeah, well, maybe they just need to hear it in a man's voice, honey.

11:36Oh, I hate the 1930s so hard right now.

11:40What?

11:46You're kidding me?

11:48Why are we back here?

11:50We solved the murder!

11:52Have you ever noticed where ever we go, Mrs S keeps dying?

11:58Oh, so it's a different murder this time.

12:02Now what is the meaning of all this noise?

12:05Professor Darren's been murdered!

12:08Well, I think it's pretty obvious who did this.

12:13He was murdered by...

12:15a Zulu.

12:19This place is reset with a new murder.

12:22I guess the Vortex won't let us leave until we find who the real killer is.

12:26It's like we're stuck in one of those never-ending episodes of Black Mirror.

12:31Stop eating that racist toffee!

12:33But it's so good though!

12:35Maybe that's how they get you.

12:36It's gonna make me racist.

12:38I don't think that's how that works.

12:40We have to find the killer, or we'll be forced to repeat the sexist, racist world.

12:44Over and over.

12:46Let's interview them all again.

12:47Alright.

12:50I've known the Professor for years.

12:53We first crossed paths in the Amazon, where he had the nerve to swipe a sacred idol

12:58from the tribe that took me in as one of their own.

13:02You always smelt like cucumbers.

13:05Never trust a man who eats cucumbers.

13:09They are the devil's fruit.

13:11Evil...cucumbers.

13:12This is such a caudal mudal.

13:14Professor Darren.

13:16Wait, so you're German now?

13:18I mean, like, ja.

13:20The killer is...

13:21Chief Inspector Doyle.

13:22Scotland Yard.

13:23Have you solved it yet?

13:24Yeah.

13:25But you're not gonna like it.

13:26It was Hing.

13:27She was sympathetic to the plight of the native tribe Professor Darren was exploiting.

13:31Her motive?

13:32Vengeful justice.

13:33Uh-huh.

13:34Huh.

13:35Huh.

13:36This.

13:37This.

13:38This.

13:39This.

13:40This.

13:41This.

13:42This is an absolutely ghastly travesty of justice.

13:43It's simply unbearable.

13:44Oh.

13:45She's a wriggler.

13:46I will wait for you.

13:47You'll be waiting a while.

13:48Dead.

13:49Just a reminder.

13:50That isn't mum.

13:51Hiya.

13:52I'm sorry.

13:53It's a woman.

13:54I'm sorry.

13:55I'm sorry.

13:56It was Hing.

13:57It was Hing.

13:58She was sympathetic to the plight of the native tribe Professor Darren was exploiting.

14:01Her motive?

14:02Vengeful justice.

14:03Oh.

14:04Huh.

14:05This.

14:06This is an absolutely ghastly travesty of justice.

14:08It's simply unbearable.

14:09Oh.

14:10She's a wriggler.

14:11I will wait for you.

14:13You'll be waiting a while.

14:14Dead.

14:15Just a reminder.

14:16That isn't mum.

14:17Hiya.

14:18Hiya.

14:25You're kidding me.

14:26This is like Groundhog Day but with more murder and less Bill Murray.

14:31Come on dead.

14:32Let's stop another one.

14:35Oh no.

14:36Not my beautiful anymore.

14:40I think she's been poisoned.

14:42So what?

14:43I don't know much about such things.

14:45I'm just a humble gardener.

14:47Not my darling anymore.

14:48Dad again.

14:49It's not mum.

14:50I know.

14:51Sort of.

14:52The killer is.

14:53Chief Inspector Doyle.

14:54Chief Inspector Doyle.

14:55Gull in the yard.

14:56Nurse Laurel.

14:57With her medical experiences.

14:58Obviously the murderer.

14:59Again.

15:00Again.

15:01What?

15:02Blah blah blah.

15:03I risk you in the name of blah blah blah.

15:07Struth.

15:08I'm not some flaming galah who's going to get locked up for something I didn't even do.

15:10Never trust an Australian.

15:11They're a penal coroner you know.

15:12They're a penal coroner you know.

15:13It's just going to reset us again isn't it?

15:14I reckon.

15:15Maybe it's not about solving the murder.

15:16What else are we supposed to do?

15:17Prevent the murder?

15:18Not the dumbest idea we'd better have.

15:19What was that with this?

15:20What was that with this?

15:20Did you want a man to go into the door?

15:21I know.

15:22The dude is?

15:23Oh my God.

15:24I am better at what was wrong.

15:25And.

15:26To be a率 of a bullet.

15:27You know?

15:28Oh.

15:29No.

15:30No.

15:31A tune.

15:32Is it like a clown?

15:33Coyle.

15:34This idea.

15:35You know.

15:36I know.

15:37Don't get scared.

15:38They're not scared.

15:39Trout.

15:40What else is he going to do?

15:41You know?

15:42You know.

15:43You know.

15:44So we're going to have to do this.

15:45I'm sorry.

15:47That's right.

15:48Are we too late?

15:59Wait, I was right.

16:00It was the butler in the drawing room with the candlestick.

16:07If only it were that simple.

16:18Why is he so handsome?

16:28Apart from that, the 90s called, mate, they want the goatee back.

16:31Can you hear that, Lucy?

16:33Some kind of high-pitched whining sound, like a little baby crying.

16:36I can't pull off the awesome, timeless style of a Van Dyke beard.

16:41Whatever.

16:42Look at your haircut.

16:44You reek of effort.

16:48Did he just call her Lucy?

16:50Fascinating, father.

16:51I always figured there'd be alternate versions of us out there.

16:55Wait.

16:56You're us?

16:57Whenever you turned up to a new world, didn't you wonder where the other versions of you were?

17:03You're lost in the vortex, too.

17:05Check out the big brain on brads.

17:10Rude.

17:11When we got here, we figured out that whenever we kill someone, the vortex opens.

17:15We're on our last person, but...

17:17No vortex.

17:20Then you turn up.

17:26Nah.

17:27Nah, I don't get it.

17:28You're going to have to draw me a diagram or something, because...

17:30Am I really that steward?

17:33I would say so, yes.

17:35Rude.

17:36This version, even more so.

17:40I don't like this version of you.

17:41Me neither.

17:42The feeling's mutual.

17:44So let's just kill them and get it over with.

17:46Dad, run!

17:47Yep.

17:47Yes, we didn't want to take any chances this time, so we killed everyone.

18:05We're not so different.

18:06We both have to be the smartest person in the room, am I right?

18:09No, I would never kill anyone.

18:12And you have bangs.

18:13What are you, an evil Dora the Explorer?

18:16How dare you.

18:18They perfectly frame my face.

18:20Oh!

18:29So, you're evil me, eh?

18:31No, you're inferior me.

18:34So basic.

18:35I bet your favorite food is barbecue.

18:38Hey!

18:39Don't dis barbecue food, man.

18:40You know the only thing worse than barbecue food?

18:43Barbecue sauce!

18:46What do you put on your steak, then?

18:48I don't eat steak.

18:49I eat baby seals.

18:52Orphaned baby seals.

18:54You monster!

18:55You monster!

19:03Speaker Doyle's got the foot in the GD Dench is going on here.

19:07Ah, Chief Inspector.

19:08He's an evil duplicate of me.

19:10Shoot him.

19:11No, he's the evil one.

19:12Look, he's even got an evil goatee.

19:14Yes, that goatee does look pretty evil.

19:16It's Van Dyke Baird.

19:17Well, that's obvious.

19:18I'm dressed like a cop.

19:19He's dressed like a butler.

19:20I'm undercover.

19:21All right, shut up, they're both of you.

19:23I need to hear myself think.

19:23So, you're him.

19:26He's you.

19:28He's got a goatee and you don't.

19:30This is giving me a nosebleed.

19:32Oh, mama.

19:35Is that a candlestick?

19:36That is a surprisingly lethal weapon, isn't it?

19:39Yes.

19:44Oh, Warren.

19:46Time to die.

19:53How do you have those?

19:57I've always heard of these.

19:59Why?

20:00Don't you?

20:02Oh.

20:03You haven't figured it out yet.

20:05It looks like we're even Stevens.

20:26Thank you for getting the golden roller.

20:28There's always room for sauce.

20:29I...

20:30It's bad!

20:34Looks like things are...

20:36I'll read this.

20:36I'm already in the body.

20:37Heating up?

20:39Oh, watch out for the...

20:40I'm ready to...

20:42I'm already in the body.

20:42Okay, don't freak out.

21:03What do you mean?

21:05Aw, they're all dead.

21:12What's happening?

21:16Did we just go through the vortex or something?

21:18No, I think this is something different.

21:20I'm pretty sure it was all a simulation created by this machine.

21:25It's like the holotech on Star Trek.

21:29Um, you keep forgetting I don't speak nerd, honey.

21:32Okay, so was it like one of your video games?

21:34And were the evil versions of us, were they part of it?

21:39No, they were real.

21:41Yeah, real dicks.

21:43Warren?

21:45Lucy?

21:50Oh, I must have dozed off watching one of my virtual murder mystery sims.

21:56I just, I do enjoy a good murder.

22:03I can't believe you're finally back after all this time.

22:08What was that thing on your head?

22:11Well, my grey hair on me sims helmet.

22:15It's just so good to see you two.

22:20Hold on.

22:22You're different.

22:25You used to have a goatee.

22:29And your hair is awful.

22:31I'd better put the kettle on there.

22:45Oh.

22:46They've gone.

22:48What a pretty.

22:50I was gonna poison their tea.

22:52You.

23:07Looks normal.

23:09Are we back?

23:11Only one way to find out.

23:12The game of rugby was outlawed in the early part of the 20th century.

23:25I kind of like this world, Dad.

23:27Some might even say it's a utopia.

23:29No.

23:30Can't have a utopia without rugby.

23:32Sorry, darling.

23:33That's just a fact.

23:35Dad, what have you done?

23:37I only wanted to teach some dudes about the greatest game there ever was.

23:40I never thought it would end like this.

23:45Okay, in the words of every Star Wars character ever,

23:48I have a bad feeling about this.

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