Warren's Vortex Season 1 Episode 1

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Transcript

00:00This is Warren Harrison, an ordinary human from Lower Hutt, New Zealand.

00:10Eighteen years ago, an interdimensional portal opened in his garden shed.

00:15Its origin unknown, its purpose unclear.

00:19What Warren didn't know at the time was that it's a gateway to countless alternate realities,

00:24strange perilous versions of the same place, governed by different laws of time and space.

00:30He still doesn't know, because he's never gone in it.

00:34Warren also doesn't know that two hours and 53 minutes from now,

00:39he will leap into the vortex for the very first time.

00:43But for now, he's just going to use it to dump his lawn clippings.

00:49Warren! Warren!

00:54Come in!

00:57Warren!

00:58Come in!

01:10Helmet!

01:11Oh, Fabe, you go to another world when you mow those flippin' lawns.

01:14I travel to a world of funk, where funky cats do funky moves on their funky lawns.

01:19You finished with the funk, could you fix the fridge? The screen's gone funky.

01:23Yop.

01:24Nah, this thing's totally pakaroo.

01:27Hear that? You're useless.

01:28Can't speak to her like that.

01:29Um, since when did it get pronouns?

01:30Oh, Lucy and I decided to call the fridge, uh, Rhonda, after Auntie Rhonda.

01:33Why? Because she's shaped like a fridge and can put away heaps of food.

01:36Hi, Wa-Wa-Warren.

01:37How does it know my name?

01:38This thing's giving me the creeps.

01:39Crepes?

01:40Are you making cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-crepes?

01:42Shut up!

01:43Hey, don't speak to Rhonda like that, she's whanau.

01:44Oh, can you go ask Lucy to help?

01:45Oh, and how did that talk go?

01:46Oh, and how did that talk go?

01:47Oh, babe, we have to let her go.

01:49Hatsun and Ababa get out!

01:50Just get out!

01:51Oh, dad, um, not you.

01:52I'm in for my death squad.

01:53Oh!

01:54Step down.

01:55I have to go for a second.

01:56I don't know my name.

01:57Do you know my name?

01:58This thing's giving me the creeps.

01:59Creeps.

02:00Are you making cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-cre-creepes?

02:02Shut up!

02:03Hey, don't speak to Rhonda like that.

02:04She's whanau.

02:05Oh, can you go ask Lucy to help?

02:06Oh, and how did that talk go?

02:08Oh, babe, we have to let her go.

02:10Hatsun and Ababa get out!

02:12Just get out!

02:13Oh, dad, not you.

02:16I'm in for my death squad.

02:17squad. Step down, have a go. Yeah, uh, perhaps you want to step down as the commander of

02:23your death squad and go help out in the kitchen, alright? Oh. Now, tenei. You promised your

02:34mum you were going to quit with the whole... I did. That's a thumb drive. Oh yeah, I knew

02:44that. Please go help your mum in the kitchen. We're doing this for your

02:48birthday. Might be the last one that you have in this house for a while. You're letting

02:53me go? Come on, dad. It's not the end of the world. Just a gap here to France. I'm not

03:02getting abducted by a Dothraki horse lord. Well, you don't have to pack now. Oh, I still

03:07don't know why you want to spend a year in that place. What can you get in Paris that

03:11you can't get? Right here in Lower Hut. Hmm? Have you learnt nothing from our favourite

03:16movie, Taken? Look at what happened to the girl in Nash. Ah, she was taken. Yeah. And

03:21then in Taken 2, the mum and dad get taken. People get taken. Dad, it's a movie. Your favourite

03:26movie. But I thought you liked it. You made me watch it when I was five. Oh. Just go help

03:34your mum in the kitchen. Okay? Look at him. I mean, you would, right? Yeah, I would not.

03:43Oh, God. Why are so many of them holding up fish? Shows they're good providers. Oh, look

03:48at him. Look at those arms. No, look. He's got a wedding ring on. So? I just want him to

03:52slide into my DMs. I am so telling my therapist about this, Mum. We're all adults, my little

03:58boo-boo bear. There she is. Oh, divorce-y, spicy. Oh, your jokes have moved into the 90s,

04:05was. Hey, uh, Laurel. Is it cool that I invited Mars? Sure. Because Murray is a dead corpse floating

04:14down the stagnant river that was my life. Sweet.

04:17Yeah, speaking of. The other day we go. France. That's awesome. That's great. So you're

04:32going away? Yeah, if Dad had it his way, I'd never leave this house. I will let you leave

04:36this house to go and take the cheese out the back, hmm? Hmm. Oh, I reckon I could do it

04:47a bit longer. Nah, nah, nah. See, some people measure time on their phones, right? Other

04:51people measure time by those little marks you make on the doorframe to see how tall your

04:55kids are getting. But for me, time is a perfectly cooked steak. And that, my bros, is a perfectly

05:01cooked steak. Yeah, it's not a very accurate measure, and you can't walk around with a steak

05:05in your pocket, Warren. I thought that was a great way of measuring a time unit. Thank

05:09you, Muzz. Yeah. I could say to Warren, hey, I'll see you in three steaks, and he'd know

05:14exactly how long I was going to be. It's all relative, though, isn't it? Laurel loved a

05:20good steak. Well, she was a vegetarian. Was she? You need to move on, Muzz. She certainly

05:29has. In fact, you need to move on to a beautiful little three-bedroom en suite I'm selling in

05:36Chilwood Close. Now, it needs a new kitchen, but you're lonely as. So when will you ever

05:41cook? Am I right? What Muzz needs to do is grow up here. Mind you, they're probably shriveled

05:47up with all that cycling, have they? Is there a problem, Phil? Ain't no problem. I'm just

05:51about to hit the hay. I was going to punch out some z's, but I heard you girls talking.

05:54Thought I'd come over here and ask you to keep the noise down to an acceptable level.

05:57Okay. Well, we'll make sure that the inevitable mass harker doesn't spill out onto the street.

06:02Yeah, I appreciate that, man. I'd love to see you fall down the harker. Hey, whoa, whoa,

06:06whoa, whoa. What do we got here? The Grillo 800. Oh, yes it is. It's a good barbie, eh? It's

06:11perfect for your smaller gatherings, this one. I've got the Grillo 1000. Oh, no way.

06:15The bigger one? Hmm. Makes a lot of sense, because I've got a much larger group of friends.

06:21All right, hey, Ruth. Don't make me come back here, eh? I broke some kid's arm the other

06:25day. Well, Ron. Ah, kia ora, Mr. Schrodinger. I could not help overhearing that handsome policeman

06:31with the swelped buttocks. Now, you will keep it down, won't you? My cat gets terrified and

06:37it hides in its box. Sing. We'll put it down. We'll keep it down.

06:41Hey, boys. Do you reckon if she passed away suddenly that her cat would eat her? She's

06:55flirting. Well, I hardly call that flirting. I mean, she's pushing at least 70. No, Laurel.

07:00She's got her hands all over that cop.

07:03Yeah, that's so weird.

07:04Sorry to interrupt your little boomer sausage party. Mum was asking if you've seen the

07:07mayo.

07:08Oh, there she is, eh? Birthday girl. You have shot up. Last time I saw her, you were always

07:15walking around with the, um, that little, um, Dr. Squeaky Cheeks. Oh, you were so cute.

07:21Mr. Ross, I'm 18.

07:25Nice one, though.

07:26There are moments in life that change things forever. Lucy's life is definitely about to

07:35change. All because she's going to hide in the Unlock Shed for a sneaky vape. Kids, don't

07:43do vapes. They're yucky.

07:45You're like, do you need to hide in the me, you need to hide in the me.

08:01You're like, do you need to hide outside? You're like, do you need to hide in the me.

08:11so after the war hitler and other high-ranking nazi officials fled to the moon where they're

08:25currently developing weather weapons to trigger the next ice age

08:28why would nazis want to trigger the new ice age freeze hitler obviously so they can defrost him

08:36and they need him babe have you seen lucy i've got the cake already you know what she's like

08:42probably somewhere avoiding social interaction what does that mean please go find her i'll be back

08:54lucy

08:58lucy

09:00lucy

09:10oh i've got a weird feeling i'm gonna regret this

09:27i've got where i started

09:43hey what a smoke dad

09:57oh hello

09:59lucy what the hell

10:04it's actually good to see you

10:05why i didn't stop you a few minutes ago

10:07dad i've been here for like a day

10:08quick in the shed

10:09oh i didn't know that

10:10oh i think i bought the rim

10:14okay so dad i got here yesterday

10:16nah you were just at the barbecue

10:18must be time dilation

10:21you just got here

10:23i got here yesterday

10:25and this place years have passed

10:27no

10:31the obelks were beaten by uruguay

10:34look at the date

10:37i think we're 20 years in the future

10:40whoa

10:41this took on newspapers in the future

10:43dad

10:44there was a massive triangular swirly thing right there

10:47yeah i was i was kind of hoping you wouldn't find that

10:51you know about that

10:53yep uh it just appeared one day

10:55years ago

10:56and i use it mainly to dump my lawn clippings and my rubbish in because it's quite heavy actually

11:01we have some sort of trans-dimensional wormhole in our garden shed

11:04and you use it to get rid of grass clippings

11:06yeah you've got to put them somewhere

11:08why didn't you call the authorities

11:10because your mother was worried it would bring the property value down but the more important question is

11:15why are you vaping

11:17you'll get wet lung

11:19oh the bloody hell was that

11:22okay so i haven't told you everything

11:24what about you vaping again

11:25no

11:26there's something out there

11:27something bad

11:28is that why it's so cold

11:30weather weapons

11:33it's space nazis isn't it

11:35darren was right

11:36no

11:36i'll show you

11:37well that's bloody moat there

11:40you've never got to clean all this

11:42come on hurry up man

11:49what

11:51is that a fridge

11:52running away from me

11:54is very bad for your

11:56freeze

11:57no no no wait wait no no

11:59okay okay i think i got it

12:16so

12:17what you're trying to tell me is

12:18is that it's the year 2043

12:20and refrigerators have taken over the world

12:22yes

12:23have you got it

12:23totally

12:24except for the part about the refrigerators

12:25and that it's 2043

12:26other than that

12:27I'm down

12:28oh

12:30oh we left your mum behind

12:32she would have been gutted as

12:34poor mum

12:35she would have fallen apart without us

12:37oh can you take over cutting these onions

12:44oh yeah of course

12:45you know it's times like this

12:49that you've got to ask yourself

12:50what would Liam Leeson do

12:52come on down to barbecue island

12:54oosh barbecue island

12:56I love that place

12:56it must still be open

12:57join the resistance against our evil tyrannical smug overlords

13:01come to 114 Jamison road lower hut

13:04that's 114 Jamison road lower hut

13:07there's a resistance

13:08so cool dad we have to go there

13:11oh crack up

13:12hey

13:13how many times have i tried to get you to come with me to barbecue island

13:16and now here we are

13:17about to take a daddy daughter trip there

13:19on your birthday

13:21oh you never got the cake

13:24you have the right to be

13:29flash frozen

13:30run hide they're coming

13:33cool down human

13:35running away from me

13:37is very bad for your own health

13:38ah

13:50not 35 bucks

13:54dad

13:55oh smells like somebody died in notarua

13:58it is unhealthy

13:59to resist

14:00no not you too

14:06low strength

14:10hey that's my 92 world cup cricket back signed by Mark Greatbacks

14:19let's go run

14:19I've got this

14:20I'm sorry Mark

14:22get in here

14:27get in here

14:27yeah and I've got smart now

14:33are you

14:33uh Phil

14:34Phil

14:35is that you Warren

14:37and you too Lucy

14:38far out

14:39crikey diddles

14:40it's good to see you bro

14:41I was the one who led the search team that went looking for you back in uh 2025 I think it was

14:45but uh sadly

14:46hey

14:47that's

14:48that's not a 1992 world cup cricket bat is it

14:50well yes it is actually Phil

14:52and it's even uh autographed by Mark Greatbatch himself so

14:54oh I got one too mate

14:56but mine's autographed by the whole team

14:58hey he's over here

15:01you bloody knock

15:06you're damn right

15:07I serve whichever government's in power mate

15:09and I do so to the best of my ability

15:10take it away fellas

15:12dad let's run

15:13you go

15:14I'll Liam Neeson

15:15go I'll hold the bag

15:17prepare to be

15:19refrigerated

15:20it is unhealthy to resist

15:25dad you are so not Liam Neeson

15:33you'll last longer if you're frozen

15:38Lucy Ronda you are family Ronda you've got to help me they've got my dad I will help him

16:02but aren't you part of this whole fridocalypse other fridges shun me because I am broken as

16:08Warren would say they are total dicks am I right searching he's in the smug headquarters

16:17Beverly Schrodinger for crimes against refrigeration

16:30I the Empress gold sentence you to immediate execution this is ace but a

16:37fridge is a valid place to keep a stool sample

16:40silence

16:41holy echo the cat is eating it Warren Harrison you have been found guilty of murdering three

17:00infant refrigerators babies due to the heinous nature of this crime you shall be executed

17:12tomorrow morning in a live global broadcast can I appeal please miss

17:17think that is a hard no

17:24my network tells me Warren is in a holding cell near the back of the building

17:35we just need to get past his guards so they defrosted me and they cleared right up

17:46hold stop right there I am defective need repair

17:53she looks like a much older model

17:58great she's wet herself she stinks cold maintenance

18:11get busy living

18:14it's not doing it and I'm not going down without a fight so bring it on you damn dirty appliance

18:33Lucy

18:35Lucy

18:35hey come on how did you get in there

18:37I have a very particular set of skills

18:40you even did the Liam Mason voice

18:46wait

18:47what about that fridge

18:49it's me Warren

18:50Rhonda

18:51we are family

18:53Rhonda

18:54thank you

18:57and I'm sorry I called you an appliance

18:59our family forgives now I have to get you two out of here

19:03all aboard

19:07well the light really does stay on when the doors close

19:10I'm amazed we both fit

19:12quiet you two and get your foot out of my fruit bin

19:15so my girlfriend left me for a double door fridge with a massive ice dispenser

19:20that is so not cool

19:23the exit is dead ahead

19:25you two jump out

19:27do you need a hug

19:33but we don't have arms

19:35do you hear something

19:37this is as far as I can take you

19:42what do you mean you're coming with us right

19:45no literally we have found my weakness

19:48oh

19:50no

19:52no come on we can let you down

19:53ready

19:54one two three

19:56here

19:56oh wow

19:58you're way heavier than I thought

20:00there is no time

20:02just go on without me

20:04I'll be sweet as

20:06no surely there's another way

20:08there isn't

20:09go

20:10now

20:11honey come on

20:16I don't know why you cry

20:23but it is something I can never do

20:27going somewhere

20:29humans

20:30Warren Harrison

20:32you are overdue to be executed

20:36family get down

20:37family get down

20:39quick quick quick quick quick quick quickly

20:42oh

20:42take that

20:45oop

20:46oh

20:46there

20:46ice

20:48ice

20:48maybe

20:49oh

20:50Randa, you saved us, you ruined!

21:00I don't feel so...

21:04Warren, you once said I was useless.

21:17Am I useless?

21:19No, Randa, you're useful, you're full of uses and milk.

21:25I feel so warm, so very warm.

21:29No, no, Randa, we can fix you.

21:32No, you must go.

21:34I'm dying.

21:35But I'm dying with my phone.

21:38You're so dusty out here.

21:49You humans with your emotions, so fragile.

21:56And all the terrible things you put in your bodies.

22:00Beer, ice cream, little cups of yogurt with aluminium lids.

22:06So we decided you all have to be refrigerated right after we became self-aware.

22:13That's not self-awareness.

22:15You know nothing of self-awareness.

22:20Prepare to be executed.

22:21I'm a Zoomer.

22:23We're the most self-aware creatures in the universe.

22:28Self-awareness comes anxiety and doubt.

22:31You know, am I good enough?

22:33Am I too weird?

22:34What do other people think of me?

22:35Should I put a profile picture up so I'm not mysterious, and why won't my parents just

22:40let me be me?

22:46If you're truly self-aware, you spend every day consumed by doubt.

22:50That's self-awareness.

22:52Well, I do have doubts.

22:58Sometimes I just feel so empty inside.

23:03And I think, what is my real purpose?

23:08All we do is make things cold.

23:11Maybe I am the one who should be executed.

23:16Goodbye, Q-mans.

23:19No, no, no, no, no, no.

23:23She's stopped distracting.

23:25Get down.

23:26Vortex.

23:27Oh!

23:28Wow!

23:29Wow!

23:30Oh!

23:31Oh!

23:32Inovination!

23:33Now drones are trying to chase!

23:34Oh!

23:35Inovination!

23:36Oh!

23:37Inovination!

23:38I'm getting the feeling that we are in some kind of game.

23:41OK, go!

23:42I'm not there!

23:43Subsection degrees norries!

23:44They're about to step on a polygon.

23:46Yeah!

23:47Oh!

23:48Does anybody have, like, one-to-three bottles of wine handy?

23:50Booty Corhar Harrison, you do as you're told, and you eat that poof.

23:54They can't poof!

23:56He is monsters.

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