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Short filmTranscript
00:00We're getting married!
00:02Why are you doing that?
00:06So are you saying that if they don't give you the blessings,
00:08you might not go through with the wedding?
00:10Yeah.
00:13It hurt me to my heart.
00:15When you addressed me as Anaya's character,
00:17she treated me like a servant.
00:22What is it that you're looking for in the dowry?
00:25So you're gonna give us money?
00:26That actually takes away from my home?
00:30So what is the dowry?
00:32More than $10,000.
00:33If they really love Christina, they're gonna do it.
00:40I don't feel like our relationship is gonna work
00:41if we don't figure out how we're gonna make each other happy.
00:44Then we're not gonna work out then, Christina.
00:46Cuz you gotta understand, you didn't...
00:48I just asked, could I speak,
00:49and now you're walking away from me.
01:00I'm ready to see this place.
01:04I kinda wanna, like, just go straight into my basketball shirts.
01:07Skip the hard part.
01:09All right.
01:10I'm Christina.
01:11And I'm Lamar.
01:12And we're getting married!
01:13We're getting married!
01:14What?
01:17I met Lamar my first day working,
01:19and I was just looking at him like,
01:21okay, he's handsome, he's tall,
01:23and he was really respectful
01:24and just wanted to know me as a person.
01:26I had never experienced wanting to know so much about someone.
01:32Lamar and I started dating in 2016.
01:34And our daughter, Anaya, was born October 24th, 2019.
01:38She is everything to us.
01:40Oh, man, I'm a little nervous.
01:43I don't know what to expect.
01:45We never had everybody in the same room
01:47talking about our relationship.
01:49I'm personally excited.
01:51I'm terrified.
01:52I am terrified to have both sides of the family
01:55living in the same house.
01:56I don't know how this is gonna go.
01:58I'm interested to see how they feel about our relationship.
02:00I'm not really interested,
02:02but I'm gonna hear it, though.
02:05These are gonna be hard conversations to have.
02:08I feel like sometimes you don't feel really comfortable
02:11around my family.
02:12Um, I would agree.
02:13Yeah.
02:14I was born in America,
02:15but my parents were born and raised in Africa.
02:17Nigerian culture is very strict.
02:20I have to assimilate to the culture
02:22to make her and her family happy.
02:27We are here.
02:32Hello.
02:33Welcome to Family or Fiancé.
02:34Thank you so much.
02:35Christina.
02:36Hello, hello.
02:37Lamar.
02:38Good to meet you.
02:39This is your new home.
02:41You're gonna spend the next three days here.
02:43Go inside.
02:44Take a look around.
02:46Meet me in my office,
02:47and we will get started.
02:49All right.
02:52Oh, my God.
02:53This is beautiful.
02:54This is gorgeous.
02:56Yes, it is.
02:57Whew.
02:58Wow.
02:59Cool.
03:00I could get used to this.
03:01Don't.
03:03I'm joking.
03:06Yeah, I'm gonna enjoy this next few days.
03:07Yeah.
03:08Until those conversations start happening.
03:10Until it gets through.
03:12Hello.
03:15Hi.
03:16Come on in.
03:17Have a seat.
03:20I wanna begin by saying congratulations on your engagement.
03:25So I'd like to start right at the very beginning.
03:27How did the two of you meet?
03:29I was a manager at a job.
03:32She came in and was one of the new hires,
03:35and I was taking her through her orientation.
03:38It just felt so comfortable.
03:40Like, you know, when you look in someone's eyes,
03:42like, you can see their soul.
03:44Like, it was that kind of connection.
03:46It still is.
03:47Sometimes.
03:48Mm-hmm.
03:49I'm joking.
03:50Sometimes, yeah.
03:51How old are you, first of all?
03:53I'm 25.
03:5433.
03:55So there's quite a bit of an age difference there.
03:57Yeah.
03:58A little over eight years.
03:59And in the beginning, how old were you?
04:01I was 19.
04:02Okay.
04:0327 I was.
04:04Yeah.
04:05Okay.
04:06You had this age difference, but you're dating,
04:08and when did you guys realize there was problems in the family
04:11with the relationship?
04:12Yeah.
04:13I think my parents ultimately want a specific lifestyle for us
04:18in terms of religion, in terms of culture.
04:22My parents want Lamar to accept our culture.
04:25You mean practice it?
04:27Practice it.
04:28You know, yeah.
04:29Is that going to happen?
04:32Okay.
04:33Um, uh, soul.
04:36I don't know what that answer was.
04:38Is that the answer?
04:39Is that the answer you've been giving?
04:40I was thinking about it.
04:41I was thinking about it.
04:42That's the thing.
04:43We always, like, we don't talk about it.
04:45Ultimately, I'm willing to try.
04:47What is being asked of you?
04:49When I was initially asked for a dowry,
04:51it was just like, it didn't make any sense to me.
04:54Do your parents need money?
04:55Or is this just a respect thing?
04:57It's a respect thing.
04:58It took a lot of sacrifice, a lot of hard work to raise me.
05:01The dowry is just a token of appreciation.
05:04Yeah.
05:05I think another thing that he doesn't understand with my culture
05:08is the fact that we like to celebrate a lot.
05:10We love to party.
05:11We love to have a good time.
05:13You don't like parties?
05:14I'm not a really big partier, and every time there's family events,
05:18they'll see that I'm kind of always quiet and off to the side.
05:21Mm-hmm.
05:22But I'm actually that same way at most places.
05:24Mm-hmm.
05:25But I think they think it's because I don't want to be around.
05:27Oh, like they take it personally?
05:28Yeah.
05:29And every time he comes over to my parents' house,
05:31like they can tell there's tension.
05:33What was your childhood that you're bringing into this relationship?
05:37Rough.
05:38Mm-hmm.
05:39Really rough.
05:40Poverty.
05:41Mm-hmm.
05:42When I say poverty, I mean dirt poor.
05:44I was two drug addict parents.
05:46Mm-hmm.
05:47That 80s drug epidemic got both my parents.
05:51Mm-hmm.
05:52There was times where we were actually getting ready to be taken away from my mother,
05:55because she hadn't even been home in, you know, four or five days at a time sometimes, you know?
05:59Wow.
06:00I was really scarred, you know?
06:02Mm-hmm.
06:03And I know your mom just recently passed.
06:05Yeah.
06:06Losing her, one thing I can say, she was extremely loving.
06:09Mm-hmm.
06:10No matter how much she was able to provide for us anything,
06:12there was no question about what love feels like, you know?
06:15Interesting.
06:16So the childhood was one of the things really hard for me to talk about.
06:21I don't really, like, do these kind of talks ever.
06:24Mm-hmm.
06:25If I start to not like where the conversation is going, I'm quick to just stop having it.
06:31Mm-hmm.
06:32Okay.
06:33I just want to say to you, so I was a foster child, I was given up, I was in 20 homes,
06:37and I don't celebrate anything.
06:39And the reason is because it brings up all this grief around all the celebration that never happened.
06:46It's like you don't want to feel that grief, and it's unconscious, it's so buried.
06:50But the healing is here if you're here for the healing.
06:56So why don't you tell me who's coming?
07:00So from my side, my mom, Alaba, my dad, Femi, and my best friend, Ajobi.
07:06And who's coming from your side, Lamar?
07:08So my Aunt Jean, my Aunt Elaine, and my older brother, Shamar.
07:13And how do you get along with Lamar's family, Christina?
07:16You know, I have some trust issues with his Aunt Elaine.
07:20Mm-hmm.
07:21She lived with us.
07:22She took care of my daughter, which is something that I don't let just anybody take care of my child.
07:27So I respected her so much.
07:28I loved her.
07:29And one day, his mother calls him, and she just randomly says, oh, Elaine doesn't like Christina.
07:35So the breaking of trust was you heard that she doesn't like you.
07:39Yeah.
07:40So where are we now?
07:41She moved out or, you know?
07:42Yes.
07:43Immediately.
07:44Right after that?
07:45Yes.
07:46It was just like, you know, you're not going to not like me and live in my home.
07:48I honestly have to protect my peace.
07:50So unfortunately, I had to tell her that she couldn't live with us anymore.
07:54All right.
07:55Well, it sounds like there's some work to be done there.
07:57Yeah.
07:58Part of the process here is to start to work through the issues.
08:02So I have tasks for each of you.
08:04Christina, your task is called burning questions.
08:07Lamar's family is going to write down questions on cards, put them in a clear box, and you are going to take them one by one and answer them as truthfully as you can so that Lamar's family can get to know you better and get some insight into your relationship.
08:21Okay.
08:22Your task is to sit down with Christina's family and present to them a five-year plan.
08:29So you will have a board with five different categories, and you're going to say what your five-year plan is in each one.
08:36And then, of course, they can ask you questions because this is an immigrant family with certain ideals that they're living by, and they want to see that you have a plan for Christina's life.
08:48Okay.
08:49And the whole point is to get to know them better and to let them get to know you better, not like at the party where you're sitting off to the side.
08:56Yeah.
08:58So how important is it to get these blessings?
09:01It's very important. Very important.
09:04Because I'm really close to my parents, and their opinion matters to me a lot.
09:07So are you saying that if they don't give you the blessings, you might not go through with the wedding?
09:13Yeah.
09:14That's pretty big stakes.
09:19What was interesting?
09:21We talked about some things we've yet to discuss.
09:24Yeah.
09:25I'm excited to see our families and have those conversations with them.
09:29I don't know if excited's the word I would use.
09:32The moment of truth, this is the time when we, as a family, we are going to meet Lamar and Christina and tell them the reality of life.
09:45The truth.
09:46The truth.
09:47Yeah.
09:48I know I don't want to see any fight.
09:50Christina and Lamar, they have a great foundation.
09:52They're both, like, driven, hardworking people.
09:55But they do argue a lot.
09:57I would like to see them, like, handle situations better.
10:01Hi.
10:02Hi.
10:03Hi.
10:04Hi.
10:05Hi.
10:06Hi.
10:07Mom, you look so beautiful.
10:09Right now, my relationship with Lamar is not really clique.
10:13Lamar needs a lot of help in terms of improving his personality.
10:17So this is where we're going to be staying for the weekend.
10:20Yeah.
10:21When we are together as a family, I always see him withdraw himself from us.
10:25Yeah.
10:26I should have figured y'all was going to do some dance and stuff.
10:28Yeah.
10:33That's really giving me concern.
10:35He has that cultural shock.
10:37Lamar, you're going to pay a price for this.
10:40You want my daughter?
10:41There's no more chicken.
10:42There's no more cow.
10:43It's money.
10:44Diamonds.
10:45Diamonds.
10:46She's mad on a diamond right now.
10:48Yeah, girl.
10:49That's what it is.
10:50A lot of diamonds.
10:51Most importantly, this is the time he has to learn our culture.
10:54If he's not ready, that means he's not ready to marry Christina.
10:59This is going to be a learning experience, and I feel like we're going to be a better family
11:04coming out the other side.
11:05I want peace, and I want a resolution.
11:08There was a lot of tension in the home while Elaine was caring for Anaya.
11:13Christina introduced me to people as Anaya's caregiver, not as Lamar's aunt.
11:19She treated me like a servant.
11:22Oh!
11:23Hey!
11:24Hey!
11:25Hey!
11:26Hey!
11:27Hey!
11:28Hey!
11:29Hey!
11:30Hey!
11:31Hey!
11:32Hey!
11:33Hey!
11:34Hey!
11:35What I think we're trying to do here is come together.
11:38Nice to meet you.
11:39Nice to meet you.
11:40Hi, I'm Jean.
11:41And you're going to resolve this as a Christian woman.
11:44I know you're going to.
11:45The things that she has said to me and done to me, it has not happened to you.
11:49I'm never going to get along with Christina.
11:51Hi, family.
12:12Thank you all so much for being here.
12:14As you all know, Lamar and I are engaged to be married.
12:17Today, we would like to hear some of your concerns.
12:21So I'm going to start with Ajobi.
12:23When it comes to Christina and Lamar, problems are still in both families.
12:28They should just be resolved.
12:29I know you had an issue with Elaine a while ago.
12:32I just want everything to be, like, smooth enough before proceeding.
12:36Mom, will you share your concerns?
12:38My main concern about Christina and Lamar getting married is cultural differences.
12:43There's still more to be learned.
12:46If it's going to have your hand in marriage, there are rules to follow.
12:52Dad, what are your concerns?
12:54Mostly, I want to talk about religion to you because that's the foundation of life.
12:58That's how you are brought up.
13:00Lamar is very supportive to you.
13:02So I wanted to show him why he needs God more.
13:05Thank you, Dad.
13:06Thank you, Dad.
13:07All right, Shamar, what are your concerns?
13:09One of the things I got to tell you is communication.
13:11Communication is the key to everything.
13:13Yeah, I do a lot of yelling, debating, but not enough listening.
13:16Both of you guys.
13:17Some might have to take the back seat and listen up.
13:20All right, Jean, what are your concerns?
13:22My concerns are, one, tradition.
13:24I believe that tradition and culture are very important.
13:27A lot of people don't believe or understand that African Americans also have traditions.
13:32Yes.
13:33I want you to respect their culture and work on learning it.
13:38But it's important that you take pride in the family that you have.
13:44Aunt Elaine, what are your concerns?
13:46Christina, when I first met you, the first thing I said to you, I never liked any of Lamar's girlfriends to even argue with them.
13:54I told you, I will be on your side.
13:57But when you addressed me as Aniah's caregiver, that hurt me to my heart.
14:09It hurt me to my heart.
14:11When you addressed me as Aniah's caregiver, that hurt me to my heart.
14:17I always feel like it's good to have family help you take care of your child.
14:20And I know for a fact that if I introduce her to someone, it's, this is Lamar's aunt.
14:26And I felt a bit attacked.
14:29We have been working with our relationship coach, Tracy.
14:32She has given us tasks to complete with you guys.
14:35So my task is called burning questions with Lamar's family.
14:39And I have been tasked to write a five-year plan for Christina's family.
14:44Are you guys ready? Let's go.
14:54I had written five-year plans three times in the past 10 years.
14:57So I want them to know that I do have a vision of our future.
15:02Well, hi guys.
15:03Oh yeah.
15:05As you guys know, I was tasked to write a five-year plan.
15:09I'm going to go ahead and pin them up one by one and then talk to you guys about each category.
15:16That's a lot of questions.
15:17I'm a bit wary just because there were a lot of concerns and they have a right to be concerned.
15:23And I hope that, you know, me and Lee Lane can mend our relationship.
15:26So we're going to answer all of your burning questions.
15:30Yes.
15:31All right. So, as you all can see, I put the marriage off to year two.
15:36I want to learn more about the culture and understand it a bit better before I'm going to get married.
15:42Because all of the parties and celebrations, I'm not comfortable with.
15:46Remember Christmas time, I invite you to come to our house?
15:49Mm-hmm.
15:50And Christina offended you, talking to you unruly and you don't like it.
15:53She called me some really nasty names.
15:55Yeah.
15:56You have to agree.
15:57I told them many times.
15:58I said, if my wife tells me...
15:59You believe she's wrong.
16:00Just agree at that moment.
16:01Let me tell you.
16:02If my wife told me...
16:03Then later on, you can call her back and just...
16:05Let me tell you.
16:06You have to have power of agreement.
16:08It takes time.
16:09I think what they're trying to say is in the heat of the moment, just learn how to come
16:13back.
16:14Like take space when you're angry and then come back and like have actual conversation.
16:16And that's what I do.
16:17The one that's not willing to do that is Christina, not me.
16:20What are your plans for religion?
16:25I honestly strayed away from religion because I felt ashamed.
16:30My sister was so active in our church.
16:33She was loved by everyone.
16:34And then as soon as she got pregnant out of wedlock, I saw how they treated her.
16:39I got pregnant out of wedlock and I felt pretty embarrassed.
16:43But I built such a strong connection and relationship with God that I want Anaya to have.
16:49And then we're practicing that.
16:50And I too need to...
16:51And that's enough.
16:52That foundation can supersede a lot.
16:55Yeah.
16:56Lifestyle year one.
16:58I hear that you want Anaya to be into Christianity.
17:02I was raised in a Christian home.
17:04But my mother allowed for me or my brothers to choose which religion we believe in.
17:09There is no two way about it.
17:11It's either Christianity or Muslim.
17:13I'm neither nor.
17:14The process is going to be a Christian eventually.
17:16No, but I do believe my beliefs should not be pushed upon my daughter nor my wife, which
17:23I tell her all the time.
17:25Okay.
17:26Sounds good.
17:27Can you please explain the dowry?
17:29Who does the funds go to?
17:31Okay.
17:32The dowry is just an appreciation to the family.
17:35There's no set amount.
17:36There's no set anything.
17:38It's just what the family believes they deserve for their child.
17:42You know, I really want to know exactly what is it that you're looking for in dowry.
17:45Tell him what you need to bring for the dowry.
17:47Basically everything that Christina love.
17:49Nice.
17:50So we buy that.
17:51Then for the parents, you have to bring, you know, like the Jamaica yam.
17:56You have to bring catfish, a lot of amount of that.
17:59You know, we have to extend some of the money back home.
18:01You're going to put money, yeah.
18:02We're going to send it to the village.
18:03To the village.
18:04To the country.
18:05Because we have family there in the village.
18:06So you're going to give us money.
18:07You're going to put money in the envelope.
18:08In the envelope.
18:09Exactly.
18:10How much?
18:11About $10,000 because you're going to buy gifts for the...
18:14Yeah, $10,000.
18:15Yeah.
18:16To about $10,000.
18:17Yeah.
18:18That's, that's a real heavy ask.
18:21That type of thing actually takes away from my home.
18:24And if you know, we're preparing to buy houses and start businesses.
18:28It sounds very backwards.
18:30You can't just take a wife, you know, free.
18:32It's our Nigerian culture.
18:34You have to.
18:35$10,000 is cheap.
18:36I'm telling you.
18:37Okay, so the question is, why when you addressing your elders,
18:42you would not give me the same respect?
18:45I'm guessing this is Elaine's question.
18:47I felt like I always gave you respect.
18:51All I know was your sister said, Elaine doesn't like Christina.
18:55It's not that I don't like you, Christina.
18:58It's when you introduced me to your friends.
19:00You didn't introduce me as Lamar's aunt.
19:03It was Aniah's caregiver.
19:06Is that how you felt?
19:08The reason why you came to live with us wasn't because you are Lamar's aunt and maybe you needed help.
19:15It was because we needed you there to help Aniah.
19:18No, the reason I came there was because I was Lamar's aunt and you needed the help.
19:23Christina, there are cultural differences.
19:26As African-American women, your nephew calls and says, Auntie, come help me.
19:29Yeah, you do that.
19:30We're family.
19:31We often take care of our nieces and nephews.
19:36At no point in time would she or I, even if you paid us, be considered a caretaker.
19:44I never called you a caregiver though.
19:46Christina, come on.
19:47And that's why you didn't like me?
19:48That's not why I didn't like you.
19:50Some things that went on in you and Lamar's house.
19:52Okay.
19:53The cursing.
19:54Okay.
19:55The tantrums.
19:56Okay.
19:57The disrespect.
19:58The day that you called me and told me not to come back to your house, you just were yelling and screaming at me.
20:04I yelled at you though?
20:05Oh, you yelled and cursed.
20:07I don't think that's what happened though.
20:10You know you have a temper.
20:11You know you have a tantrum.
20:12We all do.
20:13No.
20:14Jean, you didn't live in that house.
20:15Tamar, you didn't live in that house.
20:17I want to see how big a pan they have.
20:24I feel like my dad's going to say it's not spicy enough.
20:30In Jesus name.
20:32Amen.
20:33So wait, I'm interested to know about you guys' conversations.
20:39What are you guys talking about?
20:41We spoke about religion, Christianity specific, not just religion.
20:46I've explained this, but nothing will be forced upon my daughter.
20:49And she's more than welcome to go to church with either my aunts, either of you guys, or anyone in your family.
20:54But if my daughter makes a decision later on in her life that she doesn't want Christianity, she wants to be Islamic, she wants to be anything else in this world.
21:00Of course.
21:01She has that opportunity.
21:02Of course.
21:03We talked about dowry, like what he has to do.
21:06So what is the dowry?
21:08Did he say what it is?
21:09Yeah.
21:10Up to or more than $10,000.
21:13What?
21:14If you really want to marry our daughter, there's some stuff that you need to buy.
21:18We don't even have a house and yet you're asking us for $10,000.
21:21Anytime it comes.
21:22Anytime you buy your house, then you can do that.
21:24If you really love Christina, he's going to do it because that's a wish for the family and that's the culture.
21:29So can we explain what the dowry is?
21:31Because this is my understanding is that it is Lamar's responsibility to not only pay a dowry, but to also pay for the entire wedding.
21:38So is that not true?
21:39Can someone...
21:40For the traditional wedding.
21:41We are talking about the traditional wedding now.
21:43There's two different weddings, right?
21:44The traditional wedding and the American wedding.
21:46Traditional wedding.
21:47That's Lamar to prepare Christina.
21:49The word is compromise.
21:50Yeah.
21:51Maybe we could compromise and come together.
21:54For the American wedding, he's the one that will be paying for it.
21:57Yes.
21:58So he will pay for that wedding.
21:59But the traditional wedding, the man pays for everything.
22:02Buying our clothes, buying everything that we should we need.
22:05It's not a lot of money.
22:06What really matters is the dowry, $10,000.
22:10I'm okay with that.
22:13If that really makes your family happy, I'm willing to compromise for that.
22:19I wasn't happy about the dowry fees, but at the end of the day, I want to marry her.
22:25So if that's what it's going to cost me, I was happy to do it.
22:28My parents are happy.
22:30Lamar is happy.
22:31I'm happy.
22:32So it just all worked out.
22:33And I paid big time.
22:36It wasn't a lot of money.
22:37We had our tasks for any questions.
22:40And I know me and Aunt Elaine spoke about some of the issues that we had.
22:45Probably what hurt her the most is the fact that I didn't do enough for her.
22:50Not for me.
22:51You didn't respect me as an aunt.
22:54You only saw me as a caregiver.
22:56And what hurt is when you introduced me to people as a caregiver.
23:00So Ajobi's here.
23:01Ajobi's my best friend.
23:02When I introduced her to you.
23:03No, she introduced her to me.
23:04How did I introduce her to you?
23:05She said this is Lamar's aunt.
23:06She has introduced her as a caregiver multiple times in front of me.
23:10This is why I said that.
23:11When?
23:12Can you tell me?
23:13A lot.
23:14She said it.
23:15No, she didn't.
23:16I know her.
23:17I know the daughter that I raised.
23:18Everyone, everyone, everyone.
23:19We're not going to go back.
23:20Pussy, then you're denying it.
23:22Because it didn't happen.
23:23It did happen.
23:24But guess what?
23:25You guys amended it, so let's not...
23:27No, part of mending it is admitting what you did.
23:30Yeah, but everybody had some stuff that they did.
23:32Yes, please, let's move on.
23:33Yes, please, let's move on.
23:34Let's move on.
23:35Let's move on.
23:36Because we can't prove it, we can't talk about it.
23:37Let's go.
23:38See, and just because you can't prove it doesn't mean it didn't happen.
23:40Auntie, let's move past this.
23:42Please, everyone, we're tired tonight.
23:44Good to sleep.
23:45Thank Oni.
23:46Let's make more progress tomorrow, okay?
23:47All right.
23:48I'll tell you.
24:01Both my mom and my dad are from royal family.
24:04Oh, wow.
24:05That's why we gotta sit down.
24:06So, when you have the royal lineage, is it of your village or is it of like...
24:11Because I know Nigeria...
24:13It's the village.
24:14See, so that's beautiful.
24:15That's why family and ancestry is important.
24:18When you go to my village, you see...
24:20You wanna go for a while?
24:21Sometimes your energy is like defense all the time, you know?
24:25That dinner last night was just...
24:27I'm just...
24:28Basically, what I'm saying is sometimes when you're in a place where you're uncomfortable,
24:32sometimes you make other people feel uncomfortable.
24:34You want me to be fake?
24:35When you're uncomfortable...
24:36No, it's not that.
24:37When you're uncomfortable, you make other people feel uncomfortable.
24:39Yeah, you want me to be fake?
24:40You want me to pretend to be happy or something?
24:43That's called being fake.
24:45If I don't...
24:46That fake it to you, mate?
24:47If I don't...
24:48No, you don't.
24:49That is nonsense.
24:50I just want you to understand.
24:51You want me to fake it and just smile when I don't wanna be somewhere.
24:54Right?
24:55You have to figure it out.
24:56If I...
24:57Well, I want us to actually have a conversation and actually change something.
25:00Can I speak?
25:01Because I don't feel like our relationship is gonna work if we don't actually figure out
25:05what we wanna do for each other and how we're gonna make each other happy because
25:09that's important moving forward.
25:10We're not gonna work out then, Christina.
25:13Cause you gotta understand, you didn't...
25:15I just asked, could I speak and now you're walking away from me?
25:18You wanna communicate, but as soon as I start to speak, you walk away.
25:21All I wanted was to be perfect.
25:22That became lots and lots and lots of anger.
25:23I feel terrible.
25:24I can't even save my own family.
25:25Once I found out that she didn't like me, I think I wanted her to hurt.
25:26What did I do to be treated like this?
25:27What did I do to be treated like this?
25:28Jeanne's sleep.
25:29Jeanne says she don't snore.
25:30Let me explain to y'all the truth.
25:31She said that she was snoring so that I could have some noise to go to sleep.
25:35That was smooth.
25:55I'd rather have CNN put me to sleep.
26:04Come on in, have a seat.
26:16I see tension.
26:17What's happening?
26:19I feel like sometimes Lamar wants to do things to make me happy, but there are times where
26:26he seems like he didn't want to be here, and if he feels uncomfortable, he makes the people
26:31around him feel uncomfortable.
26:32If we don't address it and fix it, we're not going to be happy.
26:39What's going on inside of you?
26:41I'm doing something that I really don't want to do.
26:45I don't talk negative to people.
26:46I don't say anything.
26:47I just clam up, and you can probably read my entire feeling or emotions from my face.
26:53That is what she's responding to.
26:55And I've told her, I'm working on this.
26:56Right.
26:57Where this becomes a big thing is when she's saying, you don't do exactly how I want it
27:03to be done, and we're not going to work.
27:05Lamar, you probably came out of your childhood with the feeling that nothing you said mattered.
27:11Christina, you had a baseline trust and safety in your growing up that you did not have.
27:19The people who have the history of Lamar and me, it feels like you're going to get abandoned a lot.
27:26If somebody's telling me that maybe it's not going to work, when they hear something like that, you think you're just saying it because you still have the same mom and dad you've been having.
27:34When you have, like, crazy, you don't even know where you're going to live or who's going to be giving you cereal or what's going to be going on, you actually believe when somebody says, maybe this isn't going to work, that maybe this isn't going to work and you're going to have to go find a new mom.
27:44Or, like, some really deep thing gets triggered.
27:48So you have to understand who you're dealing with and be so, so gentle with him in certain ways.
27:56Sometimes I know that and I say it to hurt him sometimes, too.
28:04Mm-hmm.
28:04I didn't really realize that until there was a day that I was like, why does Elaine, like, why would she feel like she doesn't like me?
28:10And he said, there was a time where we had an argument and you said that I was lazy, stupid, and a bum, and I was just like, wow.
28:18And then I realized, who insults me like that?
28:21My dad.
28:22That's the only person who actually tells me if I'm doing something wrong, you're stupid, you're an idiot.
28:27Yeah, that's not okay.
28:29I can tell you that the way we are parented becomes the way we partner.
28:33This is where we need to do the different thing.
28:35We don't need to call each other names because we don't want to destroy trust or fight in front of our kid.
28:42Now you're on a team.
28:43Hey, teammate, how are we going to do this different?
28:45And then slowly some of these walls can come down.
28:49What about your task, Christina?
28:51Because the circumstances under which Elaine left, I also think contributed to this situation.
28:59Because she wants to be auntie.
29:01That's a beloved, warm, can-do-no-wrong position.
29:05And she felt kicked out.
29:06Now I'm thinking about it, I'm like, yeah, maybe I could have done it in a better way.
29:12Once I found out that she didn't like me, I was like, well, I don't like her.
29:15And I think I wanted her to hurt because I felt hurt.
29:18There you go.
29:19Yeah.
29:19That's honest.
29:21Yeah.
29:22Yeah.
29:22And, you know, you're looking down and I see that you are letting that land on you.
29:27And that's really powerful.
29:29Yeah, I feel bad.
29:30Like, I don't want her to feel that way.
29:32But, like, it was just, it was just a lot.
29:37Like, it was definitely selfish.
29:38And honestly, like, I felt better.
29:42But I didn't have to hurt her to feel better.
29:44Right.
29:45It feels like there's so much understanding that can come about now if the two of you would be able to sit down.
29:52I think so.
29:53So, Christina, I want you to sit down with auntie Elaine and offer her an apology.
29:59And then, Lamar, I want to have you and your family sit down with Dr. Allie.
30:07She's a trauma expert.
30:10I would like for you to talk about some of the experiences that you guys have been through as a family
30:16and how some of those childhood experiences are impacting the way you're relating in the relationship with Christina.
30:25Addressing a trauma is something that I've been avoiding forever because it's rehashing lots of old wounds.
30:33Well, it's really hard to be vulnerable for me.
30:35And so these are going to be the hard conversations to have.
30:46Let's look at the nice scenery.
30:52I haven't been over this way yet.
30:53My task is to speak to Elaine and apologize to her.
30:57And I'm nervous because a part of me still felt a bit hurt by her.
31:05It's been a long time coming since we've actually been able to talk about our relationship.
31:09I love Anaya.
31:12I was there to help you.
31:14What did I do to be treated like this?
31:23Honestly, like, when I heard, I don't think Elaine likes you.
31:27In that moment, I was hurt.
31:29I just didn't understand it.
31:30And it was a lot of pressure.
31:32As a black career woman and trying to start a business, I was already overwhelmed.
31:35I think I definitely went about the whole situation wrong.
31:40It was a selfish thing on my part because I just wanted to protect my peace.
31:43And me protecting my peace hurt you.
31:46And I'm sorry for that.
31:49I accept your apology.
31:50And I think you staying with us was a blessing.
31:53And I don't want you to ever feel like we didn't appreciate you because we were, trust me, like, it was a big deal for us.
31:59I thank you for that.
32:00I was shocked that she admitted she was wrong.
32:04But it's like, I got a burden lifted off my heart.
32:08It's not a big rock anymore.
32:10The rock has turned into a pebble.
32:12I know your heart is good.
32:15I wouldn't be as passionate with you if I didn't see your potential.
32:20I feel like now we can put that aside and just build our relationship from, you know, new and get to know each other a little bit better.
32:29Moving forward, I'm definitely going to put in a lot of effort in making her feel a little bit more comfortable and making her feel like she's a part of the family.
32:37I love you.
32:38So we're good.
32:38I love you, too.
32:45How are you?
32:47Great.
32:47My name is Dr. Ali.
32:51I am here to talk to you about trauma and get more understanding kind of about, like, what y'all have been through, some of the things y'all have experienced.
33:00Give me an idea of some of the ways that you think the trauma that you've experienced in your life may have impacted the way you communicate with your partner.
33:07I think at a lot of times in my relationship, when I start to feel attacked or really uncomfortable, I kind of just automatically close up.
33:17And that's actually something that's brand new to me today.
33:20I'm looking to learn more because the word therapy has always been terrifying to me.
33:25I always associated therapy with something's wrong with me, you know, and that's a big fear.
33:31What does it mean to you if something was wrong with you?
33:34To be anything less than what I feel I am or be told I'm less than what I feel I am, it's a scary thought.
33:43Then it would make you broken, which makes you fearful.
33:46Right.
33:46And fearful of what?
33:48Not being who I need to be for my family or not being capable of being who I need to be for my family.
33:54Our mother never disowned us.
33:56She loved us completely, but she was incapable, right?
33:59Incapable because of her addiction, and we didn't want to be a burden on anybody.
34:03I literally skipped school.
34:05My mother never even knew.
34:07I would pretend like I'm walking to school, and I'd go sit in the park all day and hide there until I came home.
34:12That was my safe place.
34:14What were you feeling when you were sitting in the park?
34:16I cried every day.
34:18Mm-hmm.
34:18Yeah, every day.
34:19You felt lonely?
34:21Broken.
34:23All I wanted was to be perfect, but I made mistakes.
34:27And every time I did, it felt like triple the problem.
34:31So how did that evolve for you?
34:34Um, it became lots and lots and lots of anger.
34:38Um, resentment, depression.
34:40How are the two of y'all feeling right now?
34:44I feel terrible.
34:47Because, you know what?
34:49This is what I do every day with other people's children.
34:52There's Child Protective Services.
34:55And I can't even save my own family.
34:58And I feel bad.
34:59And I'm sorry, guys.
35:00It's not your fault.
35:03What are you feeling now?
35:05Sorrow.
35:06Sad.
35:06You are normal.
35:08You're a human that's functioning the way a human functions.
35:11You were just taking in a lot of things from the perspective of trauma.
35:14You were immersed in trauma by a mom that you loved but could not be there for you.
35:18When you're a kid, you literally, you can't feed yourself.
35:21You can't bathe yourself.
35:21You can't take care of yourself.
35:23You can't do anything.
35:23And so if this person who's supposed to be caring for you can't, nothing was wrong with
35:27you feeling that way.
35:29I think fighting, never wanting to do therapy, and just not being open caused that problem
35:36to prolong for probably maybe a decade longer than it needed.
35:41Therapy is one route to healing.
35:42It's not the only route.
35:43It helps.
35:44It helps a lot.
35:45This conversation here alone helps.
35:46And I would definitely recommend that you find somebody in the future, you'd thrive even
35:50more.
35:51I agree.
35:52So consider it.
35:53Oh, I have.
35:54I've already made a decision.
35:55I feel so relieved to finally be able to express some of that pain to the people that I always
36:05hid it from.
36:10My heart is full.
36:13Head is just clear.
36:15Head is just clear.
36:16Head is just clear.
36:17And, uh, yeah, man, this was, this has been so amazing.
36:20Good night.
36:21Even if I fall, you will help me get back up.
36:26I know that the world's against us.
36:28The world's against us.
36:30It's nothing to come around.
36:31No.
36:45You want a world full?
36:46Carb, one.
36:46No, I can't eat carbs in the morning.
36:48Oh.
36:49But thank you.
36:50Cool.
36:52Hello.
36:53Hi.
36:54Come on in.
36:57Yesterday you left here.
36:58You guys had some tasks.
37:00So my task was to just talk to Elaine and, you know, apologize to her.
37:05I feel like I trust her a lot more.
37:06I want her to have a relationship with my daughter.
37:09Oh, that's awesome.
37:09Yeah.
37:10How did your task go, Lamar?
37:12My family actually got to hear a lot of things that I've never expressed prior.
37:16Oh.
37:18I'll say this.
37:19I left my task with chills.
37:23Wow.
37:24Like a weight had just been lifted off of my shoulder.
37:28And I saw it.
37:29I literally saw it in his eyes.
37:32Like, it was amazing.
37:33Isn't that amazing?
37:33It was amazing.
37:34See, I told you guys.
37:36You did.
37:37When you open your heart to this process, the healing comes in.
37:40It's not about whether you have issues or traumas.
37:43It's about whether or not you're willing to work on it.
37:45Yeah.
37:45Time for the blessing ceremony now.
37:48How do you think it's going to go?
37:50I just hope no one has anything that they still don't feel okay about.
37:55Well, we'll see.
37:56All right.
37:57Thank you all so much for being here.
38:11As you know, Lamar and I are engaged to be married.
38:14We would love to know if we have your blessings.
38:18All right.
38:19Shamar, do we have your blessings?
38:20Initially, my concerns were the communication.
38:23That's the experience that's shown me that you guys learned to hear what each other's saying.
38:28I think you guys will be phenomenal.
38:30I give my blessing 100%.
38:33100%.
38:34Hi, Jean.
38:35Initially, I had concerns about the cultural differences and understanding that your family has traditions and cultures as well.
38:43And I do believe that you guys are understanding that more.
38:46And so I do give you my blessing.
38:48Thank you, Auntie.
38:50Auntie Elaine, do we have your blessings?
38:52I love you both as individuals who are trying to blend our cultures, our family together.
39:00And because of the foundations that you both have, I give you my blessing.
39:08Thank you, Auntie.
39:09So, Ajovi, do we have your blessing?
39:12My concerns were the way you guys talk to each other.
39:16But I'm feeling like you guys have learned grace and patience.
39:20As far as my blessings go, yes, you guys have my blessings.
39:27And Mommy, Darius, do we have your blessings?
39:30Initially, my concerns were I didn't see Lama ready to accept your tradition.
39:36This experience has shown that Lama is ready to accept Nigerian culture, right?
39:45So, you have my blessings.
39:51Dad, do we have your blessings?
39:53Your communication is like an eruption that come out of a volcano.
39:58On a religion base, I have concerns on that too.
40:02This experience has shown me that Lama is a new man.
40:05As far as my blessing goes, yes, you got my blessing.
40:15I'm very thankful for both sides of the family being willing to come.
40:20This has been something very amazing.
40:24Come on, group hug, guys.
40:25Come on.
40:27Okay.
40:27I want the best for this young couple to have a great family and move ahead.
40:33I personally hope that when they return home, they continue working on the age gap and the cultural gap.
40:41I loved everything that was said, but I actually want to see them do everything that they said they would do.
40:48After all we have went through, I feel 100% sure they're going to do very well.
40:55I'm really so excited to just move forward and work on our relationship and get married.
41:01This experience was life-changing.
41:04This was just like...
41:05Therapeutic.
41:06A therapeutic vacation.
41:08Family off.
41:09Family off.
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