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00:00Yes, sure, people meet online all the time.
00:15Some of them stay together till the long term.
00:17But I have used those apps.
00:19And let me tell you, they are not worth the swipe fatigue.
00:24That's why I do what I do.
00:25I bring people together to see for themselves if they have any real chemistry.
00:31Minus the unsolicited dick pics.
00:33So if you're interested, I'm an email away.
00:36Try something new.
00:43But first, a message from our sponsor, Booty Strips.
00:49For hairless cheeks with protection for your hole, no more penis for your anus.
00:54Devin.
00:55What?
00:57They're wax strips with a little cotton pad for your asshole.
00:59It's genius.
01:00No more puns in my ad copy.
01:01You sadist.
01:02Tell it to your sponsor.
01:04Speaking of bald assholes, your favorite client's here.
01:15Okay.
01:17Hey, be nice.
01:19So this is August.
01:24He is a realtor.
01:25He has two daughters, 12 and 14.
01:27Old to old.
01:28I know.
01:29I hate teenagers.
01:30I mean, like, not everything you do makes a good TikTok.
01:33The teenagers, the realtor.
01:35Don't look at me like that.
01:37I won't be shamed.
01:39An age gap is perfectly common.
01:41We've talked about this.
01:42You know, it's not about age.
01:44You know, it's about compatibility.
01:45And to be fair, you know, August is two decades younger than you.
01:49And I am several decades older than you.
01:52That is to say, I know what I want.
01:59Cinnamon flat white.
02:03A little pick-me-up for the love of my life.
02:05Oh, I wish you'd pick me up.
02:07Patrick, this ball of sap is my husband, Jared.
02:09I didn't mean to interrupt, but you don't want to talk to this guy without his cup of coffee.
02:14Oh, I barely want to talk to him now.
02:18Um, you know, Jared and I have been together so long because we have so many interests.
02:24You know, hobbies, the same number of years on this earth.
02:27My hobby is Timothee Chalamet.
02:30God, I want to be that man's peach.
02:34Well, you know, August is fluent in French.
02:36Mason, I want to be happy with your services.
02:43I would hate to leave a bad Google review.
02:47Find my Chalamet.
02:55I will never get over how weird your job is.
02:58I need to find a conceited twink with ridiculously thick hair.
03:01Today.
03:02What?
03:02No, we both promised no more working overtime.
03:05No, no, no.
03:06Have you gotten a bad Google review from a boomer?
03:09They're terrible.
03:10They're like paragraphs, like columns of text.
03:13Look, I'm going to be home by seven, okay?
03:15I swear, I promise this time, I really will be.
03:18He's a tough nut to crack, but I am fucking amazing at this.
03:23Mm.
03:26Okay, I got to go.
03:27I'll see you at seven.
03:28I'll see you at seven.
03:28I'll see you at seven.
03:28I'll see you at seven.
03:28I'll see you at seven.
03:30I'll see you at seven.
03:32I'll see you at seven.
03:33I'll see you at seven.
03:34I'll see you at seven.
03:35I'll see you at seven.
03:35So I almost got arrested again.
03:40You know, you ask a few guys if they want to have a nice time with a generous, older
03:45man, and suddenly that makes you a gay pimp.
03:49I mean, you should have heard this one guy.
03:50He was like, oh my God, like, this guy's a pimp.
03:52He's totally pimping out this old dude.
03:54What time is it?
03:55No one ever calls security when I show people pictures of the hot and young.
03:59And that is the kind of ageism that I'm trying to protect Patrick against.
04:03What happened to be home by seven?
04:05Well, if I were allowed to find guys his age, I would have been home by lunch.
04:09But none of these college-age jigaboos are worth his time.
04:13Mason, what day is it today?
04:15It's, uh, it's, uh, oh my God, you're in the sex robe.
04:21I am.
04:21Oh God.
04:23Is it your birthday?
04:24Is it my birthday?
04:25No, it's your scheduled quality time night.
04:28Your idea, which you've now bailed on three weeks in a row.
04:31I'm sorry.
04:32I just, I know.
04:32I let the day get away from me.
04:34Look.
04:37Take off the sex robe.
04:39Oh, okay.
04:40Don't gotta tell me twice.
04:44Yeah, let's do it.
04:50Oh God damn.
04:51All right, don't get too excited.
04:53We haven't even started yet.
04:54Devin, just send me this.
04:55Look, I am one of Plugged In Magazine's top 10 podcasts to listen to.
05:01What?
05:02Hello?
05:03My email is flooded with consultations.
05:06That's great, baby.
05:07I know.
05:08Oh shit.
05:08Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
05:09She's calling me right now.
05:10I just need five minutes.
05:11Okay?
05:12Stay horny.
05:13I'll try.
05:14Hey.
05:15I saw!
05:16No, he's gonna be so fucking jealous.
05:17He can eat my ass.
05:19That's what I was trying to do.
05:20Uh-huh, I got it like that.
05:23Uh-huh, yeah, I got it like that.
05:25Mason Ellis, the magical matchmaker.
05:29With tons of confidence and all the facts to back it up, Mason gifts his listeners the
05:34secret ingredients they need to find love and keep it.
05:37Oh my God.
05:39Yeah.
05:39This is like the first real magazine I've read in like five years.
05:42Oh, oh, but get this.
05:44They want to do a follow-up.
05:45Stop.
05:45Plugged In wants to do a full feature on queer matchmaking next month, right in time for my
05:51anniversary.
05:51Five years in business.
05:53Okay, wait.
05:54You're gonna be famous and we're celebrating with a coffee and a dry sandwich?
05:58Mason.
05:58Oh, Angelo and I should come over tonight.
06:00Angelo?
06:01Are you guys back together?
06:03Ben.
06:04Ben.
06:05He strong-armed you into an open relationship.
06:07And I think I can gentle-arm him into a closed one.
06:10It just takes patience.
06:14God, that is so stale.
06:19I think you have a fan.
06:27Watch this.
06:27Hi.
06:33Could I get some waters for me and my thirsty friend over there?
06:38Oh, damn.
06:39It's the bread, right?
06:41I knew I would've baked that shit.
06:42But you know, now that I have you, there's something I have to do.
06:46I do.
06:46I have a podcast.
06:48I'm actually top ten this year.
06:49Um, number four.
06:50Cinnamon Flat White.
06:52Yeah.
06:53That's your order, right?
06:54Yes.
06:54Yeah, yeah.
06:55Every day.
06:56But my husband usually picks it up.
06:57Big black dude.
06:58With a fade, right?
06:59That's him.
07:00Oh, my gosh.
07:01Oh, baby.
07:02He is cheating on you.
07:11Okay.
07:12Oh, I think you're mistaken.
07:16Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
07:17He orders a flat white with a sprinkle of cinnamon after spending an hour with this skinny little
07:21white boy at table number two.
07:23And his is, uh, uh, uh, double americata.
07:27Jared!
07:30Okay, swallow it.
07:32Our next question comes from atkylowonder93.
07:35Mason, help!
07:37How do I stop getting bored after the honeymoon phase?
07:40How do I spice things up?
07:43So, relationship boredom.
07:46You think you learn everything there is to know about your partner?
07:50Their favorite food, their least favorite sibling, their favorite way to fuck?
07:55They're not shiny and new anymore, right?
08:02Wrong!
08:03Because the days, the hours, the minutes that you spend apart, it's all a mystery.
08:09Yeah.
08:10You will never really know the person that you love.
08:15Yeah.
08:17How's that for spice?
08:19Huh?
08:24It's been a rough day.
08:29Yeah.
08:30Go.
08:32Okay, okay.
08:33I'm getting a Peloton bike and that chin implant I've always wanted.
08:37That barista could have been confused, right?
08:40Maybe there's another guy named Jared that gets your exact same coffee order and is cheating
08:44on his husband.
08:47Have you brought it up with him?
08:49Are you kidding?
08:50So what?
08:50He can lie to my face?
08:52No.
08:52I'm handling this my way.
08:54What exactly does that entail?
08:56A $20 coffee tip.
08:58Oh my god.
09:03Oh, no.
09:04What?
09:11Fucker.
09:13Mason, wait!
09:16Please!
09:16Don't do this!
09:18You're gonna end up on six puns!
09:24Sorry.
09:25Penguin Mate Art takes forever.
09:28Ooh!
09:29Ooh!
09:30My bad, boo.
09:31My bad.
09:32Ooh!
09:33Sorry.
09:35Not to rush you, but I have somewhere to be.
09:38Somewhere to be?
09:40Or someone to meet?
09:42Yeah, you're Malcolm.
09:44Right?
09:44I got $20 on the twink.
09:46I feel like he can really take a punch.
09:48Yeah, he looks like he likes a fist.
09:50Do I?
09:51No, you don't know me.
09:53But I think you know my husband.
09:57You have to be specific.
09:58I see a lot of people's husbands.
10:01Jared.
10:02Jared.
10:03You've been seeing.
10:04Jared.
10:04Oh, Jared.
10:06Look, listen.
10:08I am not here to blame you.
10:10Meeting you was a decision that he made,
10:12but it is a decision that he made behind my back.
10:15So I really need you to stop, okay?
10:17Because you're putting a lot in jeopardy for me.
10:19In a big way.
10:21Okay.
10:24No.
10:26You don't get it.
10:27Like, I'm not good at anything else.
10:31And my rent is like a bajillion dollars now,
10:34and I'm going to have to do in debt until I'm dead.
10:37Hold on.
10:38Is he paying you?
10:40He's paying you.
10:42Paying you?
10:43Are you fucking serious right now?
10:45Dead serious.
10:45If you're taking Jared away,
10:48you need to find me a replacement.
10:52Does anyone ever tell you you look like Timothee Chalamet?
11:01He actually really does.
11:03Yeah.
11:03Yeah.
11:03Quite an interesting place.
11:13Malcolm, was it?
11:15Yeah.
11:16This place is like my second home.
11:19Look at all these fucking beautiful people.
11:22You fit right in.
11:23Aw.
11:25So, I heard you're a romantic.
11:29Are you looking to explore that a little?
11:32Oh, goodness.
11:34Forward, aren't you?
11:36I'm coming.
11:39Oh, my God.
11:40Ben, hold on.
11:40Hello.
11:42Hey, baby.
11:44Georgia, I helped you corner that white boy.
11:46I love her so much.
11:48Please, let her in.
11:50This place is nice.
11:52Oh, my God.
11:54Yeah.
11:56To Jared getting ghosted at L'Espresso tonight.
11:59To getting my client the sugar baby of his dreams.
12:05Oh, yeah.
12:08And...
12:08To saving my marriage.
12:11Wait, hold on.
12:12Wait.
12:12Saving your marriage?
12:14Yeah.
12:14I thought we were toasting to a divorce.
12:16Oh, my God.
12:17No.
12:17No.
12:18Look, affairs happen all the time.
12:20And not always because of an unhappy marriage, okay?
12:23Our libidos were a little bit off.
12:25And he paid some skinny little idiot to help tide him over.
12:28And that's it.
12:29That's the end of it.
12:31Right?
12:31Why can't it just be the end of it?
12:33Why do I have to be punished?
12:35Why would you be punished?
12:36I tell him that I know.
12:39And one of two things happens, okay?
12:41We either break up immediately,
12:42thus ending the longest relationship I have ever had in my life.
12:45Or he spends the rest of our marriage as my personal doormat
12:49until we resent each other.
12:51And then we just break up anyway.
12:53Either way, I lose.
12:54Okay?
12:55I know how this works, guys.
12:56Okay.
12:57Baby girl.
12:58I know that it is so hard to be exceptional all the time, okay?
13:02Look at me.
13:04But I speak from experience
13:06when I say that if you let your husband pork that little white boy
13:09and pretend that you're okay with it,
13:11that shit'll kill you.
13:14See?
13:14We need her.
13:16Please, can we keep her?
13:17Please?
13:19I gotta go get my husband back.
13:26So what are you looking to get into?
13:28Are you a naturally verbal person?
13:31Oh.
13:32You ever tried scat?
13:34I want to get a little wild tonight and try some scat.
13:37I beg your pardon?
13:38Scabba-da-da-ba-da-dee.
13:40Scabba-scabba-doo.
13:42It's the freest form of expression.
13:44Oh.
13:45You a sonic guy, haiku?
13:47Well, I don't read much poetry.
13:51Oh.
13:52A newbie.
13:53I guess I'll cut right to the chase.
13:56I typically like to meet twice a week, at least.
13:58That's the minimum.
14:00Uh, I'm 16 hour.
14:02Don't worry about today.
14:04I know you're just feeling things out.
14:06Excuse me?
14:08Where is he?
14:10Uh, maybe he didn't show up?
14:12Ain't that Malcolm?
14:16Yeah.
14:16Never in my life.
14:18Okay.
14:19I'm confused.
14:23Welcome to our monthly open mic poetry slam-a-thon.
14:29Everyone, please remember to be respectful.
14:32This is not a competition.
14:35We are here to experience an emotional orgy of thought.
14:42What?
14:43This is new information to me, too.
14:45You work here?
14:46Yeah, from 8 to 4.
14:47Anything that happens after that is none of my black business.
14:50Without further ado, give it up for my wonderful slam protege, Jared.
14:59One versus a thousand.
15:11That is the battle I face.
15:139 to 5 over time.
15:15One.
15:17One man, one ring, one vow.
15:19But is one enough?
15:21Is my one voice strong enough to out-bellow the thirsty cries of sexy singles living in my area, area, area?
15:29One thousand voices asking you to be their cupid.
15:34Confidant.
15:35Their grinder extra.
15:36Their premium hinge account.
15:38Unlimited swipes.
15:40You're the tool that schools these fools to have what we do.
15:45What the fuck?
15:47But am I the biggest tool?
15:48I used to be your strength.
15:53Your light.
15:55But now my love is thrown aside a used human fleshlight.
16:05Woo!
16:06Woo!
16:06Woo!
16:06Woo!
16:07Woo!
16:07Woo!
16:07Woo!
16:08Woo!
16:08Woo!
16:09Woo!
16:09Woo!
16:10Woo!
16:10Woo!
16:11Woo!
16:11Woo!
16:12Woo!
16:12Woo!
16:13Woo!
16:13Woo!
16:14Woo!
16:14Woo!
16:15Woo!
16:15Woo!
16:16Woo!
16:16Woo!
16:17Woo!
16:17Woo!
16:18Woo!
16:18Woo!
16:19Woo!
16:20Woo!
16:20Woo!
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16:21Woo!
16:22Woo!
16:22Woo!
16:23Woo!
16:23Woo!
16:24Woo!
16:24Woo!
16:25Woo!
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16:26Woo!
16:26Woo!
16:27Woo!
16:27Woo!
16:28Woo!
16:28Woo!
16:29Woo!
16:29Woo!
16:30Woo!
16:30Woo!
16:31Woo! Woo!
16:31tool. Stop it. So what is this? So you're not cheating on me? Why would you think I was cheating
16:40on you? He said, you know, you were sugar daddy-ing him and giving him money. For his workshops,
16:46Mason. He's an English grad student. He runs this whole thing. My coworker, Angie, introduced me to
16:53this group and they thought it would be a great outlet for me. Okay. Okay. Well, that doesn't
17:00explain why you just went up there and told a whole crowd of people that I used your
17:04flashlight. That was a metaphor. Okay. Well, it wasn't funny. Okay. This isn't supposed
17:09to be funny. This is supposed to be a space to vent and you weren't supposed to be here.
17:15Look, do you honestly feel like things have been ideal between us? If you're not at work,
17:21you're at home working. Because that's my job. Yeah, but you haven't spent any time working
17:26on us. It's just been me. Begging for sex, booking dinner dates, and then being cool when
17:31you bail, running you a coffee on all my lunch breaks, just to prove that we still care.
17:35But do you care? I know you said never to talk with Jared again, but I have notes on the
17:39phone. Eat a dick, Malcolm. Jesus. Sorry. Look, I really need things to change. Because if
17:50they don't, I don't know if I could keep going on like this. Well, no need to beg tonight,
18:00because I feel fucked sideways. Really? That's your takeaway?
18:06Jared. Do you think this means I'm out of the friend group? Probably. Damn. There's
18:21one who needs meeting you. Excuse me. It's great. Jared? Are you drunk? Would you like to be?
18:36Yeah, I didn't know he was going to sell you poetry lessons. No. But you thought he'd be wild
18:47enough to finally make me settle for someone age appropriate. No. That's not. No. I was
18:55trying to find you the right person for long term or whatever. Is that you? I'm my boyfriend,
19:05Jill. He brought me out of my shell. God, he was so beautiful. He could have been with
19:12anyone. He chose me. Being together was the best six years of my life. I've been on my own
19:20ever since. He'd kill me if he knew I'd been torturing myself for that long. What happened?
19:29Eat the pasta.
19:34That's what I wanted you to find me. Someone to take me back for just a piece of that feeling.
19:40An incredible feeling that only the love of your life can give you.
19:43You know what I mean? No. I thought I did. But I'd like to.
20:01Look, August is no Timothee Chalamet. And he's definitely not Malcolm. But I think he can
20:17give you that feeling back. And he really wants to meet you.
20:21I think I'd like to meet him too. Thank you. Cherish your husband, kid. Hold him every day.
20:38How to keep your relationship interesting year after year, decade after decade. You just have to
20:53remember one thing. You'll never really have your partner pegged. They're deeper than you give them
21:01credit for. They have layers, hopes, dreams, fantasies that you might never know. It's scary, but exciting, right?
21:15Well, thanks for tuning in. Until next week, I'm Mason Ellis.
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