- 2 months ago
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00:00I know, I know. We'll start when I'm ready this time.
00:18I heard it, I heard it.
00:24A, B, C, I'm not D, E, F.
00:34What a day I've had today. I've rowed with everybody.
00:38Really, the producer, always use the thumb for the producer,
00:41the writers, there was two of them, and Lionel Blair and I,
00:45we nearly came to blows, you know.
00:47Not that we could hurt one another.
00:52Oh, you can't do much damage, can you, with two feather dusters?
00:59There's quite a bit of fun in me, but, um...
01:03No, all... I thought that would tickle him.
01:06No, it all started about the opening number, you see,
01:09because I wanted to do something rather quiet and sophisticated and suave,
01:13you know, that would go with my personality,
01:16but they wanted to do something that was so common and raucous, you know.
01:19It wasn't the kind of thing... Look, this is the way they wanted to start my show.
01:24Have a look at this.
01:26Go, go, go.
01:28Go, go!
01:29Go, go, go!
01:31Go, go, go!
01:33The End
02:03The End
02:33The End
03:02Wasn't it degrading?
03:13How could I lend my name to all that?
03:16So I put my foot down, I can you know, look at that
03:18I put my foot, so now we'll do it my way
03:21The End
03:51Now you're here
03:56And now I know
03:58Just where I'm going
04:00No more doubts or fears
04:02I'm on my way
04:06Nice to see you
04:08To see you
04:09Nice
04:21I really am
04:43Because the only excuse I can offer
04:46Is that the pub is too near
04:48These studios
04:49Oh, thank goodness
04:52We have guest stars on our show
04:54Thank goodness
04:55And right now I'd like to introduce you
04:57To my two guest stars tonight
04:58First of all, the lovely, delectable
05:00Delightful and seductive
05:02Miss Anita Harris
05:04It's lovely to have you here
05:16And I'll see you later
05:18But, uh, aren't you going to tell me
05:20To go to your dressing room
05:21And lie down?
05:23What on earth for, dear?
05:26Um, all comedians use that line
05:28Oh, only the old corny comics
05:31Do that kind of stuff, lovely
05:32Yes
05:33Yes
05:33So aren't you going to say it?
05:35Oh, that's set the mood for the night
05:39Hasn't it?
05:40All right, then
05:40You know what you can do, don't you?
05:42What?
05:42Go to my room and lie down
05:43Ladies and gentlemen
05:46Now I'd like you to meet
05:47The very lovely
05:48Delightful
05:49Delectable
05:51Seductive
05:52Dudley Moore
05:54I didn't like the introduction very much, Bruce, actually
06:09Why, why, what's the matter?
06:11Well, I mean
06:12Lovely, delightful, that's fine
06:14You know, that's all right with me
06:15But, um
06:15I'm not really very seductive, am I?
06:17Yeah, but they only gave me one introduction
06:19If it's not good enough for Anita Harris
06:21It's good enough for you, isn't it?
06:22Let's face it
06:23And I
06:23You underestimate yourself, Dad
06:25I think you're very seductive
06:27Really
06:28Very seductive
06:30Oh
06:31Shall I go to your room and lie down?
06:40No, I think we'll skip that one
06:42No, but let's do the show first
06:45Oh, all right
06:46What have I got to do?
06:48Well, there's three sketches I want you to learn
06:51Er, there's a piano duet you do with me
06:54You do a piano solo on your own
06:55Er, you do a characterisation bit
06:58A couple of walk-acrosses
07:00And a dance routine
07:01Blimey, all that, who's show, is it?
07:05Well, I'm in it up to here, mate
07:07So it just shows you how much you're in it, doesn't it?
07:13Well, I'm right in it
07:14I think I'll, er
07:15I think I'll pop off to Anita's room and lie down
07:17Oh, yeah, good idea, good idea, yes
07:19Go to Anita's room
07:25Yes, Anita's room, yes
07:27He's on a fool's errand
07:29He doesn't know
07:30Because Anita promised to do a little song with me
07:33And actually right now she's waiting
07:35Just behind there
07:36They love to chat about the dresses they will wear tonight
07:52They chew the fat about their dresses
07:56And the neighbours' fight
07:58Inconsequential things that men don't really care to know
08:03Become essential things that women find so apropos
08:08But that's a dame, they're all the same
08:11It's just a game
08:13They call it girl talk
08:17Girl talk
08:19I don't wanna talk
08:22Girl talk
08:24You're a fool, hey
08:25That's why I'm alone with you
08:29Oh, aren't we?
08:30I don't wanna talk
08:33Girl talk
08:34We've got better things to do
08:39I hope Natalie's not in the room
08:40They all meow about the ups and downs of all their friends
08:46Don't never sit or sing like that
08:47The who, the how, the why
08:49They dish the dirt, it never ends
08:52Dish the dirt, listen
08:53The weaker sex, the speaker sex
08:55We mortal males behold
08:57And though we joke
08:59We wouldn't trade you for a ton of gold
09:03It's all been planned
09:05So take my hand
09:07Please understand
09:08The sweetest girl talk
09:11Talk love
09:14Happy talk
09:16Keep talking
09:17Happy talk
09:18Talk about things you like to do
09:22You've got to have a dream
09:26If you don't have a dream
09:28How you gonna have a dream come true
09:32If you don't talk happy
09:34How you gonna have a dream
09:37Cause you'll never have a dream come true
09:44You don't wanna talk, girl talk
09:49You don't wanna talk, school talk
09:54We don't wanna talk happy talk
09:58We wanna talk about love
10:02We wanna talk about love
10:09Thank you
10:21Thank you, Anita
10:22Well now, going to the sublime
10:25And I often do sometimes
10:26For a change
10:27Have you ever been
10:29Into a strip club?
10:31Actually, it's a silly question
10:32To ask really
10:33Because the wives never go
10:34And the husbands aren't going to admit it
10:36Are you, lads?
10:37But it's getting more and more
10:38Of these strip clubs
10:39There really are
10:40But a lot of people are worried
10:41You know, about them
10:42Especially the tailors
10:43Because if it really catches on
10:45You know, they'll have no business
10:46Will they?
10:47But the government
10:48Are going to investigate
10:50Into the whole thing, I hear
10:51And we
10:52Sort of
10:53Wonder what would happen
10:54If two members of parliament
10:55Went into one
10:56So we're gonna take you
10:58Into a strip club
11:00And if you don't wanna go
11:01You're too late
11:02Excuse me, mate
11:30Oh, yes
11:31Would you mind
11:33I'd love to
11:35No
11:36Would you mind
11:37Sharing this table
11:38No, no, not at all
11:40Not at all
11:40No, no, no, no
11:41Pardon?
11:44Oh
11:44All right, you can sit here
11:53No, here, here
11:58All right
12:06Thank you
12:06All right
12:08Thank you
12:57Michael.
12:59Roger.
13:01Hello there.
13:03Hello there.
13:05How's it going, little boy?
13:09Oh, well.
13:11Must and grumble.
13:13Oh, no.
13:15Must and grumble.
13:17Interesting places, these.
13:21So I'm told.
13:23Yes, yes. I wouldn't know.
13:25I've never actually...
13:27Oh, no. Neither have I.
13:29The only reason I popped in was just,
13:31you know, so I'd know what I was talking about
13:33when the strip club bill comes up.
13:35Oh, you owe them a spot of money, do they?
13:37Only about 25 quid.
13:39No, the...
13:41The government bill.
13:43Oh, have they all been at it, then?
13:45Oh, yes, yes.
13:47No, no, no, the bill about these places.
13:49Oh, yes, yes, yes.
13:51Yes.
13:53Of course, personally, I just popped in
13:55so that I had something to talk about
13:57when the case bill comes up.
14:01That's just what I said, Michael.
14:03Oh, yes, of course.
14:05Yes.
14:07Well...
14:08Oh, well, then.
14:09Well, well, then, yes.
14:11There was a bit of it to do in the house last night.
14:14Oh, well, yes, just a few drinks
14:16and George did one of his turns, you know.
14:19No, in the house.
14:21Oh, that house.
14:23I thought you meant round the Teds.
14:25No, no, in the end, they had to call in the Chief Whip.
14:30Uh, ha, ha, ha.
14:34One of those sort of parties, was it?
14:36And now, the seductive, tantalising Boo Boo.
14:42Oh, she smashes.
14:46So I'm told.
14:48Yes.
14:54Very artistic, Riley, isn't it?
14:57Yes, well, she's got such a lot of talent, hasn't she?
15:02Pardon?
15:04Yes.
15:08Uh, by the way, how's your wife?
15:12Of course.
15:13What made you ask a question like that?
15:17What?
15:19How's your wife?
15:20Oh, she's fine, fine.
15:21Oh, good.
15:22What made you ask that?
15:24I don't know.
15:28Something just reminded me.
15:30Yes, it does a bit.
15:32Yes.
15:33Oh.
15:43The best artistic presence.
15:45Oh, yeah.
15:46Do you know, I think she's got a much better act than Cilla Black.
15:48With more body to it, isn't it?
15:50Oh!
15:51Much more.
15:52Much more.
15:53Yes.
15:54Well, I suppose it's time to be off.
15:55Yes.
15:56Of course, I just popped in just to see what it was all about.
15:58Oh, yes.
15:59Not the sort of place that I would come to normally.
16:01Good Lord.
16:02No, no, no, no.
16:03Well, oh, time to be off first.
16:04Yes, indeed.
16:05See you in the house.
16:06Right in heaven.
16:07Cheers.
16:08Lovely to see you again, Michael.
16:09Lovely to see you.
16:10Fine.
16:11Oh, yeah.
16:12Oh, darling.
16:13Why didn't you tell me that you were coming in?
16:16It doesn't matter.
16:17No, I think you must have mistaken me for somebody else.
16:19Oh.
16:20Yes, me.
16:21Happens to be my boo-boo.
16:22Oh.
16:23How?
16:24Your boo-boo?
16:25Yes.
16:26She happens to be my cuddly kids.
16:27Look here.
16:28We're the party in power and she's mine.
16:31Well, look here.
16:32I happen to be the opposition and I have a penalty.
16:35Look, boys.
16:36Why don't you all go out together?
16:38Oh, that evens it up.
16:40How do you mean?
16:41She's liberal.
16:42She's liberal.
16:43Ha, ha, ha, ha.
16:44Oh, hello.
16:48Some of you may know and some of you may not know that I've just returned from Hollywood.
16:49For those who do not know, I've just returned from Hollywood.
16:50Oh, hello.
16:51Some of you may know and some of you may not know that I've just returned from Hollywood.
16:57Oh, hello.
16:58Some of you may know and some of you may not know that I've just returned from Hollywood.
17:13For those who do not know, I've just returned from Hollywood.
17:18I thought I'd mentioned it twice.
17:19Actually, tonight I'm going to direct as well as appear in the next number.
17:28And I've bought a little gadget back with me from Hollywood that you may be quite interested
17:33in.
17:34Over here.
17:35Over here.
17:36It's, um, it's what they call a wind machine.
17:40A wind machine.
17:41Say if you're taking pills.
17:46You must have seen these Hollywood musicals where the girl just stands there or dances
17:50and the wind blows through her dress.
17:52It looks very, very nice.
17:53You know.
17:54Well, this is what they use, you see.
17:55See, on television you do the same sort of thing and they have 20 stage hands on the
17:59side all going .
18:03But that's Hollywood.
18:06For the number, I require a partner.
18:09And I want somebody who's rather tall, rather elegant and rather a lovely mover.
18:16And, er, I've given . . .
18:20You'd be ideal.
18:22Thank you, Bruce.
18:24What do you want me to do?
18:25You're on the wind machine.
18:27And the switch goes up.
18:30Right.
18:31That's it.
18:32All good.
18:33I'm glad you didn't forget either.
18:35Um, right.
18:36Well, now, I do need a partner, er, who is rather tall, as I've said before.
18:40Rather elegant.
18:41A blonde.
18:42Oh, get away!
18:43No, you can't!
18:44Oh, look at the way he pushes himself.
18:47Um.
18:48No, so we have somebody who's lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to dance
18:53with.
18:54Miss Alita Morrison.
18:55Well, now, Alita, er, how would you like to go to Hollywood?
19:06Do you really mean it?
19:07Well, sooner or later, I'm bound to do my own musical there.
19:10You just can't stop progress, just like that.
19:13And, er, if you played your cards right.
19:15Anything, Bruce.
19:16Anything.
19:17All this goes on, you know.
19:19I'm glad to say.
19:21Right, well, I think.
19:22Are you ready with the wind?
19:25The way he builds the part up, you know.
19:29It's tragic in a way.
19:31Tragic.
19:32But I think we're ready now, right.
19:33Cue music.
19:34Cue music.
19:35Here we go.
20:05Clouds!
20:17Clouds!
20:28Rain!
20:35Clouds!
20:43More wind! More wind!
20:56No, then! No!
20:57I'll get you! I'll get you!
21:05I'll get you!
21:11Down!
21:24Missed!
21:36You're doing very nicely over there!
21:51Cue music!
21:52Music!
21:56In the wind!
21:58Oh!
22:00In the snow!
22:04In the mist!
22:08There, there, dear! There, there!
22:10What was that?
22:11It was just the start to our thunderous applause.
22:15Move, you parishion! Move!
22:22Hey!
22:23Come in here a minute! Come here a minute!
22:25Oh,urrrr, I...
22:27Oh,urrr, I...
22:29Oh,urrr, I...
22:30Move, you perishing! Move!
22:40Oi, come in here a minute. Come here a minute.
22:42What are you talking like that for?
22:56I don't know. It seemed to go with the dress.
23:00Never mind the dress. Look, I can't sort this problem out at all.
23:03I really can't, you know.
23:04Well, is that...
23:05Never mind. Never mind.
23:08If it wasn't a funny line, you go ahead, mate.
23:11I couldn't care less.
23:12What?
23:16I can't find out what's wrong with it, then.
23:19One of my poppers got it.
23:23It's that wheel.
23:24What's a wheel?
23:26That's a wheel.
23:27That's not a wheel, that's a square.
23:28Well, what shape's a wheel, then?
23:31How do I know? I haven't invented it yet, have I?
23:34I don't know why you fiddle around with all them newfangled things, anyway.
23:37Why don't you work on that marvellous idea you had for a motorcar?
23:40There you are, a motorcar.
23:41What am I going to get the motorcar to run on?
23:43Wheels.
23:44Well, there you are. I haven't invented them yet, have I?
23:47Stupid fool.
23:48And you can't rush history.
23:50What's it?
23:51Evening!
23:52Here, it's one of them fellas again, it's one of them funny fellas.
24:00Well, what's wrong with them?
24:01It's the second one I've seen, they're beginning to worry me a bit.
24:05Well, I don't see any harm in them, don't look at any harm in them.
24:08Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
24:15Haven't you noticed anything about them?
24:17They're different to us.
24:19I mean, take having a bath in the river.
24:21Have you seen him taking a bath in the river?
24:24It's all there, you know?
24:27It's all there, you know?
24:29What is?
24:30That's what I'm trying to find out!
24:33See, I've got a funny feeling that fellas like him are here for a reason.
24:36Do you know what I mean?
24:38No, I don't.
24:40I was hoping you would say it to tell me.
24:42You see, I mean, take him, for instance.
24:45It don't seem right calling him an him.
24:49Well, call him something else, then.
24:51I couldn't care less, but as far as I'm concerned,
24:53her is still one of us, her is.
24:55Call him something else, then?
24:56Yeah.
24:57Call him something else?
24:59Er, that'll do.
25:01Call him an her.
25:03As I said before.
25:04Somehow or other, I should have had it written down here.
25:09Should have had it written down here, I should.
25:11Yes.
25:12But as far as I'm concerned, as I said once or twice before,
25:16there is still one of us, Ernie.
25:18Ah, Ernie!
25:21What was all that about?
25:22I don't know.
25:23It just seemed right at the time.
25:25Oh, but, um, hey, hey, hey, oh, dear.
25:29Er, I don't like these words, dear.
25:34Er, Er is definitely not one of us ins, you know.
25:37Er is one of the other sort.
25:39All right, then, call him the other.
25:41What?
25:43What I'm getting at is that in, Er,
25:47must have a use like that thing you're working on.
25:49Don't be daft, you couldn't peddle her round the streets, could you?
25:52Well, she hasn't got a pair of handlebars, has she?
25:56No, I suppose not.
25:58I'll show you what I mean, anyway.
25:59Here, give it to your leg a minute.
26:00Lift your leg, lift your leg up.
26:02Lift it up, go on, that's right.
26:04Get off!
26:05What's your game?
26:06Get off, eh?
26:07Nothing.
26:08Nothing.
26:09You watch.
26:10Everything.
26:11That's, uh, uh, uh, uh.
26:12BUZZER
26:14Ernie is all squashy, you see.
26:21It's squashy?
26:21Yeah, it's not all airy like that.
26:24And I think it washes more than us for a start.
26:26Well, let's face it, everybody washes more than us, don't they?
26:28Yeah.
26:29Go on, you have a go.
26:30I don't know what all the fuss is about.
26:31I really don't.
26:33BUZZER
26:36Hey!
26:38Hey!
26:39Fancy that?
26:40I do, that's my whole point.
26:47Well, then, it's up to you.
26:48You'd better introduce yourself proper, hadn't you?
26:50Right.
26:51I don't think I can do it in the usual way.
26:55How do you mean?
26:56Well, I mean, how do we greet each other when we meet?
26:58Well, it's easy.
26:59We just go...
27:00BUZZER
27:02Hello, Dad!
27:04No, I don't mean when we're friends.
27:06Oh!
27:07You know, I mean, when we first meet, you know.
27:09Oh, when we first meet, when we go...
27:10...Hunga-unga, wonga-wonga, oom-ba-oom-ba.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15Come on.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:17LAUGHTER
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19LAUGHTER
27:20Hunga-unga, wonga-wonga.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23LAUGHTER
27:24See, it doesn't seem right, does it?
27:27No, it doesn't seem right.
27:28Look, I can't waste my time with all this carrying on.
27:31And look, I've got to invent the wheel, haven't I?
27:33I'm trying to revolutionise transport.
27:35I am.
27:36Well, can't you invent something with her?
27:38What could I possibly do with the likes of her?
27:40LAUGHTER
27:41Well, can't you rub two of them together and get fired?
27:44LAUGHTER
27:45LAUGHTER
27:46Well, as you say that, funny as you say that,
27:48cos I was thinking of doing that with a couple of twigs.
27:50Were you?
27:50Yeah, I was laying awake the other night thinking about that.
27:52Funny you had thoughts like that, wasn't it?
27:54Yeah, yeah.
27:55But, look, don't bother me.
27:56Hang her from the ceiling and stuff a candle in her ear.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:00What for?
28:00We need a candle ear in the cane.
28:02That's a sandal ear, you daft me!
28:05LAUGHTER
28:08We want to get together or something, you know.
28:10All right, then.
28:11Not you!
28:12Nah, not you, him!
28:13You're not very strong for a cane, are you?
28:16But...
28:17Oh, her!
28:17You see, I think there ought to be a...
28:19grappling hold of her or something.
28:20Well, hit him, hit him.
28:22Belt him one with that, that'll start you off.
28:23Right.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25Pardon me, mate, but me and my friend here
28:28would like to know what you're for.
28:30Ahem.
28:31Er, you...
28:32You getting warm?
28:33I'll be getting it to perspire a bit, yeah.
28:35You know, mate,
28:36we're working on a hypnopritical theory, I mean...
28:40There.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:43He's a very nasty habit, you've got all that fun!
28:45LAUGHTER
28:46LAUGHTER
28:48Do you know that made me feel quite ill
28:51watching him do that, didn't you?
28:53You're right, those brunks are a bit funny, a bit funny!
28:56I told you that the sun is on, wouldn't you?
28:57Love, it's awful!
28:58Didn't I tell you?
28:59You're right!
29:00The thing we've got to dis...
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02LAUGHTER
29:04Well, that's not...
29:05Erm...
29:06I'll tell you what, you go on with that wheel.
29:08And, er...
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11I'll see what I can do with this fellow, all right, then?
29:13Cheers!
29:14I'd much prefer it, mate, because I don't see what practical use
29:18you can get out of that whatsoever!
29:20No, fair enough, division of labour, that's what makes progress.
29:22Er, excuse me, chum, would you come with me?
29:24It's, er, all in the interest of man's emergence from the pit of ignorance.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29That's great for this time!
29:31APPLAUSE
29:32He's got off with a wheel here!
29:34APPLAUSE
29:36Get this going!
29:38Don't...
29:39You know what comes into that little ancient Britain?
29:41LAUGHTER
29:43What have you been up to, then?
29:45Ahem!
29:45I've just discovered something that is going to revolutionise
29:48the whole of civilisation.
29:50Have you?
29:51Mankind, I might say, may never be the same again.
29:54Huh?
29:55What have you discovered, then?
29:57A round wheel.
29:58It had it stuffed up its jumper.
30:00LAUGHTER
30:02A round?
30:04Wheel?
30:05Come here.
30:06Hey, where are you off to?
30:07You need two wheels for a bike, don't you?
30:09LAUGHTER
30:10I might go for a tricycle.
30:12LAUGHTER
30:12He knew we'll retire the wrong one, me and me, it's mine!
30:15APPLAUSE
30:24No gal maid has got the shade on sweet Georgia brown
30:42Two left feet, but oh so neat has sweet Georgia brown
30:51They all sigh and wanna die for sweet Georgia brown
30:58They all sigh and wanna die for sweet Georgia brown
31:02I tell you just why
31:04You know I don't lie
31:10Much, well, it's been said
31:15She knocks them dead when she lands in town
31:23Since she came, why, it's a shame how she cools them down
31:33Fellas, she can get our fellas
31:39She ain't met Georgia claimed her
31:46Georgia named her sweet Georgia brown
31:52The old gal maid has got the shade on sweet Georgia brown
32:04Two left feet, but oh so neat has sweet Georgia brown
32:14They all sigh and wanna die for sweet Georgia brown
32:23They all sigh and wanna die for sweet Georgia brown
32:25They all sigh and wanna die for sweet Georgia brown
32:27I tell you just why
32:29You know I don't lie
32:33Much, well, it's been said she knocks them dead when she lands in town
32:43lands in town since she came, why, it's a shame how she cools them down, fellas, she can't
32:59get off, fellas, she ain't made, Georgia claimed her, Georgia named her.
33:13Sweet Georgia branch.
33:43Welcome back and welcome to part three. To find someone an absolute fool one minute and a brilliant musician the next is absolutely impossible.
34:03Dudley Moore will now prove this.
36:43Thank you, Dudley Moore.
36:54Well played, Dudley.
36:57Well played, Dudley.
36:58Well played.
36:58Well played, Dudley.
36:59Well played.
37:00Thank you, Bruce.
37:01More like a football match, isn't it?
37:03And actually, I shouldn't mention football in front of Dudley because he had a very nasty experience the other day and it was all my fault, you see.
37:11Well, I offered to give him a lift to the football match in my new car, you see, and I wanted to tell you all about it tonight.
37:17And Sid and Dick, my writers, they wanted me to tell you all about it tonight.
37:21But the powers that be said, look, if you talk about your new car, you mustn't mention what make it is because if you do, it's advertising.
37:27And if you do mention what make it is, you must mention all the other makes as well.
37:31Really?
37:33So, Sid and Dick, oh, they were all for this.
37:35They really were because they couldn't wait to do the script.
37:37Gave me a list of 300 cars.
37:39They're such a great help they are at times.
37:41But I said, look, I said, do I really have to do that if I make a mistake?
37:46They said, oh, yes, yes, you've got this.
37:47It's like politics.
37:48If you mention the conservatives, you have to mention the labourers and the liberals.
37:57So I said, well, look, can't I talk about cornflakes?
37:59I only know one maker then.
38:01They said, oh, anyway, I'm stuck with a car because I want to tell you about this terrible experience that Dudley had.
38:05But it is ridiculous that I can't talk about my new car and not tell you what sort it is because it's such a lovely car.
38:12It's a real sort of status symbol.
38:14You know.
38:15They made a film about a yellow one.
38:20Yes, and it's very conservative in design.
38:24Sorry, it's very conservative, labour and liberal in design.
38:28All right, all right.
38:30But it's got a long square bonnet, you know.
38:32And if you buy a second-hand one, sometimes you find a tiara left in the boot.
38:38Think, for goodness sake, think.
38:41I'm trying.
38:45She's drunk.
38:46What a combination.
38:48No, but it is a lovely car.
38:50How can I explain to you?
38:51Look, these two fellas, Fred Rolls and George Royce, got together and they built a car.
38:56When it was finished, they called...
38:57I'm talking with the wrong camera, sorry.
39:01When it was built, they called it a Fred George.
39:03Don't panic.
39:04I didn't say it.
39:05I'm just giving a few clues.
39:07Anyway, I saw this advertisement, you see, in the paper.
39:10And it said, second-hand, immaculate condition.
39:13So I phoned up the fella.
39:14I said, right, I'll take it.
39:17You see, but of course, not until I went round to see it did I find out that he was an undertaker.
39:22It was one of those.
39:26With a long box in the back.
39:28You know, but it was in such good condition and a bargain.
39:31So I said, right, so I bought it, you see.
39:34But it was lovely to drive it home.
39:37It was a lovely feeling, you know, in this car because everybody stopped and raised their hats.
39:41You know, it was a lovely feeling and I could park it anywhere.
39:44It was really nice.
39:45And I stopped at the bank, stopped at the bank.
39:47And I said to the clerk, I said, is the manager in?
39:51And he took one look at the car.
39:53He said, well, he was all right a minute ago.
39:58Yes.
39:58Well, anyway, getting back to this thing about Dudley and the teller experience he had, you see.
40:05He asked me for a lift in the car, you see.
40:07But before I tell you about this, I'm going back again.
40:10You know, I'll tell you.
40:11You see, when you buy one of these cars, they take it over.
40:14The people, you know, they take it over.
40:16There was a fellow who was around the next morning.
40:18He said, Mr Forsythe, he said, you've bought one of our cars and we'd like to buy it back.
40:24I said, but I've only just bought it.
40:25He said, yes.
40:26He said, but we've been going into your background and we don't consider you a suitable person to own one.
40:32I said, well, that's nice.
40:33He said, Harry Seacombe's got one.
40:35He said, yes.
40:35He said, but Mr Seacombe happens to be a CBE.
40:39So I went out and I bought myself a bar of that chocolate.
40:46And I awarded myself that medal they didn't know.
40:48They're different, silly fools.
40:51But they've got marvellous service.
40:52You know, the other day I ran out of petrol.
40:54And before I could move, a little fellow in white overalls jumped out the bonnet with a little petrol can.
40:58He said, hold on, sir.
40:59I'll get it.
41:01Yeah, they'll take that out.
41:02Don't worry about that one.
41:03They'll take that out.
41:04But getting back to this terrible experience that Dudley had.
41:08You see, it was like this.
41:10I said, look.
41:10I said, I'll give you a lift with pleasure to the football match.
41:12I said, but you can't sit in the front because there's three of us here already.
41:15I said, so I gave him a top hat and I said, walk along at the side.
41:22And it was all right going through town because he could catch us up at the traffic lights.
41:26But when we got out on the open road during about 30, he started to get a bit puffed.
41:32He said, it's no good.
41:33He said, I'll have to get on.
41:35I said, well, you're not sitting astride that coffin.
41:38This isn't the Deadwood stage, I said.
41:41Which was quite witty at the time, I thought.
41:45Not so funny now, evidently.
41:46But anyway, I said, look.
41:49I said, you're not sitting astride that.
41:50You'll have to get inside.
41:52I said, but you'll be all right because it's all silk lined.
41:54You know.
41:55I said, you'll be all right.
41:55So we laid him out.
41:58Crossed his hands.
41:59And he looked lovely.
42:01He looked so peaceful.
42:03He really, I've never seen him look better.
42:05He didn't have that shifty look in the eye.
42:07You know.
42:08He really did.
42:08He looked a treat.
42:09So I thought, well, we got him settled.
42:11We started off again, you see.
42:12And we're a bit late.
42:14So I put my foot down, you see.
42:16And we're going on there.
42:17And along comes the police car.
42:19And they stopped us.
42:20Waved us down.
42:21And I thought, well, funny this.
42:22Because I didn't think they stopped people in Rolls Royces.
42:25Oh, blimey.
42:26I've said it.
42:28Oh, crikey.
42:29Now I've got to go through the lot.
42:32Well, you see, I was going up this hill man
42:34by the side of these Morris dancers
42:35on my way to Vauxhall Bridge.
42:38Because I'm a bit of a rover.
42:40And I passed this folk singer, you see.
42:43He's standing by this tree with the big roots.
42:45And the sunbeams playing in his hair.
42:47And I said, well, keep it going.
42:56And he had this tiger with him.
42:58And I said, oh, that's a bit ostentatious.
43:01I know I couldn't afford one.
43:04So I said, oi, mate, where'd you get the tiger?
43:07He said, don't be a BMC.
43:09He said, it's not a tiger.
43:11I said, O'Reilly.
43:12And he let out a cry of triumph.
43:13And he said, no, it's a Jaguar.
43:21Anyway.
43:21This policeman, you see, he stopped us.
43:26And I said, I'm awfully sorry, officer.
43:27I said, I'm so sorry.
43:28Really, I am.
43:29I said, but see, we're a bit late.
43:31He said, not as late as the bloke in the coffin, mate.
43:35So I thought, well, I'll play on this.
43:37I said, yes.
43:37I said, you see, he's been gone three days, you see.
43:40And the poor relatives are waiting to pay their last respects.
43:43And I would have got away with it if that stupid fool, Dudley Moore, hadn't have poked his head out and said, fine, eh?
43:52What's going on?
43:53Yeah, policeman.
43:56You should have seen the policeman's face.
43:58Took us all down the station for questioning.
44:01You see, and the thing that annoyed Dudley was, they insisted on keeping him in the morgue.
44:08Until we could prove that he was still living.
44:10And he's been so annoyed with me since, you know, he's cut me dead since.
44:15If you know what I mean.
44:16And you don't.
44:17But anyway, I've got to do a little piano duet with him now.
44:21And all I hope is that the feud isn't still going to go on.
44:25Now, ladies and gentlemen, we present those distinguished concert pianists, Andante and Campo.
44:44All right, then?
44:56All right, then?
44:56Yeah?
44:57Yeah?
44:57We'll sort this out after the act.
44:59I'll sort you out too, mate.
45:00Yeah?
45:00Yeah?
45:01Yeah?
45:01Oh, yes.
45:09Oh, yes.
45:10We're pinching extra bows now, are we?
45:13You want another bow?
45:14Have one.
45:14No one's stopping you, Matt.
45:15All right.
45:16All right, I will.
45:17I will.
45:18Don, then have a bow, then.
45:19You know, it's fine.
45:19All right, I can bow as much as you can.
45:21You're not the only bower, you know.
45:23Look, if it's going to make you happy, have a couple of bows.
45:25But shall we get on?
45:26All right.
45:26Ladies and gentlemen.
45:45Hold it, hold it.
45:47Hold it.
45:47I haven't made the announcement yet, have I?
45:49Oh, you're rabbiting again, are you?
45:52You're very good at the rabbiting.
45:53It's a pity you don't get down to learning the camera sometime, mate.
45:56I can play the piano just as well as you.
46:01Don't you worry, lovey.
46:03Tell them what we're playing.
46:04Shall we get on with it?
46:07They'll know what I'm playing as soon as I start.
46:10You're the one they've got to worry about.
46:12All right, ladies and gentlemen.
46:14Hump to dump to sat on the wall.
46:18Hold on.
46:20Lover boy.
46:21We had to be playing our own arrangement tonight, remember?
46:24The one we made up when we were still speaking.
46:26Autumn leaves, remember?
46:29Oh, I was only trying to help, dear boy.
46:32You know, something suitable for you.
46:33Something you could cope with.
46:36I can cope very nicely, thanks, with autumn leaves.
46:41Well, autumn leaves it is.
46:42But don't blame me if it sounds like hump to dump.
46:44That's a very old joke.
46:50And you are a very old penis.
46:54I shall treat that with all the contempt I can muster.
46:57And I can't half muster some for you.
47:01Ladies and gentlemen, here we have autumn leaves,
47:04in which I will give you the delightful and delicate melody.
47:07And my partner, such as he is,
47:10will provide the oom-ba-oom-ba-oom.
47:16Most impressive.
47:29But what was all that about?
47:31I was just pointing out to the public
47:33that I'm rather better than oom-boom-boom.
47:35Well, I'd go even further.
47:41I don't know how I dare,
47:42but I think you are the best oom-boom-boom
47:44in the business.
47:46But we should all stick to what we do best, shouldn't we?
47:48Then why aren't you out shuffling shavings, mate?
47:57What a witty witticism.
48:01What a witty witticism.
48:03Can we get on?
48:04Autumn leaves,
48:06before they all blow away.
48:07Oh, my goodness.
48:24Was that it?
48:25Was that it?
48:27You ask the oom-boom-boom,
48:28you've got one, mate.
48:30If you're so good,
48:31you do something with it.
48:33But what can I possibly do?
48:34With an oom-boom-boom like that.
48:37Well, for a start...
48:38All right, all right.
48:41Don't let's be coarse.
48:43It's going to be one of those do-its, is it?
48:45All right, just give us a note.
48:46Give us a note.
48:46Where did you get that frock?
48:50Just came to me.
48:53You've got something else coming to you in a minute.
48:56Look, you wait.
48:57You wait till I get my golden disc.
48:59You'll be on your knees to me.
49:01Oh, what a pretty picture.
49:04And where are you going to get your golden disc from, mate?
49:07Same place as you've got your...
49:09Oh.
49:16Autumn leaves, is it?
49:17Why not?
49:18Why not?
49:20I don't have anything else at the moment.
49:21I don't either.
49:22You rotten swine, you put me in the wrong key.
49:31Look, you're a pianist.
49:32Can't you transpose it?
49:33I'll wrap it round your head in a moment.
49:37Just give me the notes in the arrangement.
49:39Just the notes in the arrangement.
49:41That's all I want.
49:42All right.
49:42I'll give you the notes in the arrangement.
49:46But the notes in the arrangement meant...
50:05You've been leading up to that all day.
50:12All right.
50:13If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll end.
50:16From now on, it's a do-it for two solos, right?
50:19Right.
50:19As long as I know where I stand.
50:21Hmm.
50:24Oh.
50:24Oh.
50:42Oh.
50:43Oh.
50:44Oh.
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50:44Oh.
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