- 4 months ago
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TVTranscript
00:30Now you're here
00:37And now I know
00:40Just where I'm going
00:42No more doubts or fears
00:46I'm on my way
00:50Nice to see you
00:52To see you
00:52Nice
01:00Another minute will you
01:06For goodness sake
01:07I'm not through yet
01:08Get it back
01:11I'm on the wrong side
01:12Push them on mate
01:13Then I'll put them back
01:14Put that pork pie down
01:15And pull them off
01:16Now push them back
01:20It's been going on all day
01:27You don't know what it's like
01:28To put a show on
01:29To put a show on
01:30What it's like
01:31You do not know
01:32It's not just the little things
01:35Like screens closing you
01:36And crushing you after death
01:37I mean it starts right
01:39It's chaos right from the start
01:40First of all
01:41Do you know how these shows
01:42Get put on
01:43First of all
01:43I get a phone call
01:44From one of the high ups
01:45At ABC television
01:47He says hello Bruce
01:48I say hello Lofty
01:49Well I knew him
01:52When he was a low down
01:53If you know what I mean
01:54You know
01:54Funny fella
01:55Anyway he said
01:55He said Bruce
01:56Are you free to do a show
01:58I'd love to
01:59Say I
01:59It's not until after
02:00I've signed the contract
02:01And I realised
02:02What he meant was
02:02Will you do a show free
02:03But that's their mentality
02:07You know
02:07But I can't think like that
02:08Like that
02:09I can't think
02:10Really
02:11So I phoned the producer
02:13I phoned the producer
02:15To get the thing sorted out
02:16See but I didn't realise
02:17That he has a three year old daughter
02:20You see
02:20Have you ever
02:21Have you ever
02:22Made a phone call
02:23And been answered
02:23By a three year old
02:24Hello
02:26Is that general 2437
02:27Yes can I speak to
02:28Hello dear
02:30Hello dear
02:32Hello dear
02:35Yes
02:36Hello dear
02:37Is daddy there
02:39Daddy there
02:41Hello dear
02:43Hello dear
02:45Yes
02:45It's Uncle Bruce dear
02:47Uncle Bruce
02:49Can I
02:49Uncle Bruce
02:51Bruce
02:52Uncle
02:53Uncle Bruce
02:55On the television
02:56Yes can I
02:57No not the man from
02:58Uncle dear
02:58No
02:59Uncle Bruce
03:01Hello dear
03:02Hello dear
03:04Yes
03:04Yes
03:05Oh yes
03:05And what is your dolly's name
03:07Oh it's a lovely name
03:09For a dolly
03:10Yes dear
03:11Yes
03:12Yes
03:13No can I speak
03:14No dear
03:14Oh you've got a doggy as well
03:17Oh lovely
03:18He does what on the carpet
03:20Yes
03:23Yes well mum is right
03:24He does need a napkin
03:25Doesn't he
03:25Yes
03:26Yes
03:27Hello dear
03:28Hello dear
03:29No dear
03:29Can I speak to
03:30No I haven't got a teddy bear
03:32No dear
03:33Look can I speak to
03:34Look can I
03:35What do you get off the phone
03:36No dear
03:37He's not a nasty man
03:39It's still Uncle Bruce
03:40Uncle Bruce
03:41Hello dear
03:42Hello dear
03:44Bye bye
03:45Bye bye dear
03:46Bye bye
03:47Thanks for calling
03:47Bye bye
03:48I want to speak to your father
03:50After that
03:52I have to meet the choreographer
03:53The choreographer then I have to meet
04:01Anisa
04:01Hello Bruce
04:02Hello Lali Lai
04:03I've had an idea for the dance
04:05Oh good
04:05Anisa comes on from the back you see
04:06And she turns all the way down
04:08And she turns across you
04:09And her leg goes right up in the end
04:10Oh good idea
04:10She grabs hold of your hand
04:11You turn into her
04:12Then she turns out now
04:13Then she turns out now
04:14And then you turn out
04:15And that's how it goes
04:16Bye bye bye
04:16That was Lionel Blur
04:19I haven't seen him since
04:27That was the whole rehearsal
04:28And that was on Victoria Station
04:31Very embarrassing
04:33I can't go there again
04:34The trouble is
04:35Jobs are so hard to find
04:37In the day time
04:38If you know what I mean
04:39And then there was the problem
04:40About guest stars
04:41They said to me
04:41Who would you like on the show
04:42I said well
04:43I'd like
04:44I'd like Kathy Kirby
04:45They said well
04:46If you got Kathy Kirby
04:47What would you do with her
04:48That took another hour explaining
04:49Anyway finally they said alright
04:52And I hope Kathy did as well
04:54Because otherwise
04:55I'll look such a fool
04:55When I announce her
04:56But I've got an idea
04:57She's turned up
04:57Ladies and gentlemen
04:58My very special guest star
05:00Miss Kathy Kirby
05:01Oh Kathy it's so nice to see you
05:19It really is nice to see you
05:20And first of all
05:20I thought we'd have a little chat
05:21Oh Bruce I mean
05:23I'm a singer
05:23I don't do this comedy chat
05:25Oh yeah but I mean
05:26Don't worry about that
05:26I mean these days
05:27You don't really have to be good
05:29At the comedy chat
05:30Yeah I can see that
05:31Me thinks I'll have to watch
05:36This comely went
05:37No I mean
05:39I don't expect you to sit
05:40On that stool
05:41And come out with a lot
05:41Of funny witty remarks
05:42I mean
05:43If I thought that you
05:44Could be funny or witty
05:46I would have asked
05:46Alma Cogan
05:47To name but a few
05:48But
05:49No all I want you to do
05:52Is just sit there and read
05:53Oh read what?
05:54Yeah well you see
05:55It's all written down
05:55Come a bit forward
05:56I'm giving away
05:58All the trade secrets here
06:00But all my lines
06:01Are written down there
06:02You see
06:02And all your lines
06:03Are down over here
06:04See
06:04Oh that's clever
06:05Yeah they're called
06:06The idiot boards
06:06Why's that?
06:09Because there's a couple
06:09Of idiots holding them
06:10You've got them up
06:10The wrong way
06:11Turn them round
06:11Wait a minute
06:13Haven't I seen you two before?
06:15Yes
06:15We pushed the screens on
06:16At the beginning
06:17That's right
06:17I'm going to be pushing
06:18Your faces in at the end
06:19Get off
06:19Get off
06:20Right
06:21All you've got to do
06:21Is read
06:22Alright darling?
06:22Alright
06:23When do I start?
06:24At the top dear
06:25That's unless you're Chinese
06:28They always start at the
06:29Right
06:29Here we go then
06:32Right
06:32Hello Cathy
06:33How are you?
06:34Hello Cathy
06:35How are you?
06:36It's a great pleasure
06:37To have you on my show
06:39It's a great pleasure
06:41To have you on my show
06:43What are you doing?
06:44I'm reading lines
06:45But they're my lines
06:46They're my lines
06:47Your lines are over there
06:48See?
06:49Oh yeah
06:49See
06:49We'll start again
06:51We'll start again
06:52Don't worry
06:52We'll start again
06:53Again we'll start
06:55But
06:55Here we go
06:56Hello Cathy
06:56How are you?
06:59Read the lines
06:59Read the lines
07:00I've read it
07:01Yeah but you've got to
07:02Read it out loud
07:03This is not a library
07:05It's got a bit quiet
07:07I'm getting a bit worried
07:08No seriously Cathy
07:10I've always been
07:11A great admirer of yours
07:12But we've never ever
07:13Done a duet together
07:14How would you
07:15Like to do a duet
07:17With me?
07:20He has one brown ear
07:21And one white
07:22Here's one brown ear
07:24One white
07:24What are you talking about?
07:26Mr. Cutterline
07:27She should say
07:28I'd love to sing a duet
07:30With you
07:30But could we make it snappy?
07:32Oh I see
07:32That's not the name of the song
07:33You've got to watch the lines
07:34You must watch the lines
07:35Yes
07:36Don't worry
07:36Now where am I up to
07:37Over there?
07:39I don't know
07:40A duet called snappy
07:42Oh fine
07:42That's not the name of the song
07:44Now hold on
07:44I haven't done my line yet
07:45Oh wait a minute
07:46That's not right
07:46You say
07:47I know dear
07:48But why can't we sing along
07:49I know that
07:50But I haven't done the line
07:51Before that yet
07:52Have I clever?
07:55What's she on about?
07:57Wait a minute
07:58That's not written down
07:59Nobody says
07:59What's she on about?
08:00I know
08:00I've just made it up
08:01I'm not a robot
08:03You know
08:03Where are we now then?
08:05The faintest idea
08:06The faintest idea
08:08I haven't
08:09Look it's quite simple
08:10You say
08:11How would you like
08:12To sing
08:12A duet
08:13With me
08:14And she says
08:15I'd love to sing a duet
08:16With you
08:17But could we make it snappy?
08:19I don't know
08:20A duet called snappy
08:22That's not the name
08:23Of the song
08:24I know dear
08:26But why can't we sing
08:28A long duet?
08:30Because Popsom
08:31Is in the dressing room
08:32Popsom
08:33Who's Popsom?
08:34Hold on
08:35A bell dog
08:36I was not enough there
08:39We're not a couple of kids
08:41You know
08:41We can read
08:42We'll start from here
08:44We'll start from here
08:44I don't know
08:46You've got me at it there
08:47I don't know
08:48A duet called snappy
08:50That's not the name
08:51Of the song?
08:52No no no no
08:53You mustn't look at the card
08:55Otherwise everyone will know
08:56You're reading it
08:56As if they didn't know already
08:57As if they didn't know already
08:58I heard that
08:59Stop mumbling
09:00You see you've got a glance at it
09:02Well look
09:02If you could hold this
09:03For a moment please
09:04Oh can you
09:04Yes
09:04Can you manage dear?
09:07Alright fine
09:07Lovely
09:08You see
09:10You look around
09:16That's not the name
09:19Of the song
09:20Very good
09:22You sort of look around
09:23Carry on
09:24Oh sorry
09:25I know dear
09:26But why
09:28How we sing
09:32A long
09:34A long duet
09:35Because Popsom
09:37Is in the dressing room
09:39Popsom
09:42Amazed
09:43Who's Popsom?
09:46You don't read amazed
09:47It's a reaction
09:48Look it's down in brackets
09:49You don't read it
09:50It's in brackets
09:53How do you mean like
09:55How do you mean like?
09:55Well it's a reaction
09:56Well it's a reaction
09:56You know
09:57Look can you hold this a second
09:59Yes let me see you
09:59You don't read it
10:03Oh I see
10:03It's more of Popsom
10:05Who's Popsom?
10:06It's a reaction
10:07Oh a reaction
10:07Oh I see
10:08Yes I read amazed
10:09I read amazed
10:11Amazed
10:13I read
10:13Yes
10:14Yes
10:15He's my darling little dog
10:18Does he sing a duet with you?
10:20Oh no
10:21Haven't you met him?
10:22He's lovely
10:23But we didn't come here to talk about Popsom
10:26About Popsom
10:27We didn't come here to talk
10:28You're right
10:34Let's sing
10:35Thank you Bob
10:37Another bride
10:43Another groom
10:44Another sunny
10:46Another moon
10:47Another season
10:50Another reason
10:51For making whoopee
10:55How's that?
10:56Maraday!
10:58I didn't know you had an angel
11:11It was so far
11:12It was so easy
11:12To get off
11:13Get off
11:15Oh Kathy
11:17I'm so sorry
11:17I wouldn't have had that happen
11:19For the world
11:20But look
11:21There's been something
11:22I've been meaning to ask you
11:23All day long
11:24Do you know any you songs?
11:26You songs?
11:27What do you mean you songs?
11:28What songs beginning with you?
11:30Oh like
11:30Unforgettable
11:32No that's our
11:33That's our songs
11:33Our songs
11:34Oh you
11:35With the word you
11:36You think of all the songs
11:37You can think of
11:38Beginning with you
11:38And I'll do the same thing
11:39Alright we'll have a competition
11:40Alright we're going to start
11:41Well I'll start
11:42Because it was my idea
11:43And I've already thought of one
11:45Alright
11:45Here we go
11:46You do something to me
11:51Say the sweetest things baby
11:56You are my lucky star
12:01You always hurt the one you love
12:05You can have everything
12:09You were meant for me
12:14Well you take the high road
12:17And I'll take the low road
12:20You
12:21You're driving me crazy
12:23You must have been a beautiful baby
12:28You and the night and the music
12:33You do something to me
12:38You make me love you
12:44You do something to me
12:48You keep coming back like a song
12:52You still do something to me
12:57You are my sunshine
12:59My only sunshine
13:01And my song
13:02And my song
13:03You still do something
13:06Oh I've got one
13:07You can be my secret
13:10You, you, you'd lay too
13:18You'd a lay too?
13:20Number one in Switzerland
13:21Haven't you?
13:24Unforgettable
13:25Oh Bruce you've ruined everything
13:27Everything you have ruined
13:29I'm sorry Cathy
13:30You know you won the competition
13:32I thought you would anyway
13:33Why don't we do that song
13:34That we spoke about doing
13:35On the phone the other day
13:36You remember one of the songs?
13:36Oh lovely
13:37Glory of Love
13:37No it was making Whoopi
13:38Well on my board
13:40It says the glory of love
13:41Well on my board
13:42It definitely says making Whoopi
13:44Oh well I want to sing
13:45The glory of love
13:45Hey I wonder
13:46Wonder I
13:47If
13:48Oh I often wonder I
13:50I wonder
13:51If these two songs
13:52Were sort of work together
13:53I wonder if they would
13:55I'll check up
13:55Make sure
13:56You've got to give
13:57A little
13:57Another bride
13:59Yes
13:59Well if they say it'll work
14:02Who are we?
14:08Gotta
14:09Give a little
14:10Give a little
14:10Another Jew
14:11Take a little
14:12Another sunny
14:13And let you pour
14:14A honeymoon
14:14Break a little
14:15Another season
14:16That's the glory of
14:17Another reason
14:18That's the story of
14:19For making
14:20Whoopi
14:21A lot of shoes
14:24Laugh a little
14:25A lot of rice
14:26Cry a little
14:27The groom is nervous
14:28Until the clouds
14:29Roll by a little
14:30Oh boy it's killing
14:31That's the glory of
14:32That he's so willing
14:33That's the story of
14:35That he's so willing
14:36Oh baby
14:37Picture a little
14:40Loveness
14:41Down where the
14:44Roses play
14:45Picture that same
14:48Sweet loveness
14:49Think what he
14:51Could bring
14:52He's washing dishes
14:54Give a little
14:55And baby clothes
14:56Take a little
14:57He's so ambitious
14:58And let you pour
14:59Break a little
15:01And don't forget
15:02That's the glory of
15:03That's what you get
15:04First
15:04That's the story of
15:05For making
15:05Whoopi
15:07Whoopi
15:09A bride
15:10A June
15:11A honeymoon
15:12Give
15:14Take
15:15Poor heart
15:16Break
15:16That's the glory of
15:19That's the story of
15:21Whoopi
15:22Whoopi
15:24That's the end
15:26Of part one
15:27Whoopi
15:30Welcome
15:56Welcome to part two
15:58Ronnie Carroll
15:59Is a lazy oaf
16:00And I must be
16:05One of the most
16:06Methodical tidy people
16:07In show business
16:07We found this out
16:08Because Ronnie and I
16:09Went for a holiday
16:10In Las Vegas
16:11And we shared the
16:11Same apartment
16:12I love things to be
16:14Tidy
16:14If I see anything
16:15Lying around
16:15It does irk me
16:16Irk me it does
16:18It really does
16:19I get the place
16:20All nice and tidy
16:21And everything
16:21Ship shape
16:22You see
16:22And he come in
16:23Chaos in two minutes
16:25It was such a
16:26Beautiful apartment
16:27A room with a view
16:32La dee
16:34La dum
16:35Ba ba ba da da da
16:36De de de de de de de de de
16:38La dum
16:39Da dee
16:40La dum
16:42Da da doo
16:43La dum
16:44Le dum
16:46Da da dee da da
16:47La da dee da da dee
16:49La dum
16:51Le da
16:52La dum
16:54La da da da da da
16:55La da dee
16:56La emp
16:59Eat it Rob
17:00Praise God
17:01There is no place to go
17:05There's no place for you.
17:30Ah, this is the life.
17:35There's no place for you.
18:05Oh, my God!
18:10Oh, my God!
18:14Oh, my God!
18:17La-da-dee, da-da-da-da-dam, la-da-da-dee, da-da-dam,
18:23la-dum, ba-dum, pam.
18:26Oh
18:56Oh
19:26Ba-dum-ba-dum-pum
19:28Ba-dum-ba-dum
19:30Pum
19:32What's this for?
19:34Happy birthday, I've just tidied this place up
19:36Well, what did you leave this lying all around for?
19:38Because that's where you left it lying all over the place for
19:40Oh, did I? I'm sorry
19:42Yeah, you're the untidiest person I've ever met
19:44He's chosen untidy mind
19:46A tidy mind shows a tidy life
19:48Enables you to organise yourself
19:50To concentrate on the better things
19:52Don't go to sleep when I'm talking to you!
19:54I'm sorry!
19:55For goodness sake! What were you saying?
19:57And don't go flicking that all over the floor
19:59Use an ashtrap
20:03That's not an ashtrap
20:05Well, it's the same shape, isn't it? It's gotta be washed up
20:07It goes all soggy
20:09And who does the washing up?
20:11There's nothing worse than a soggy dog end
20:13Gets in all the water
20:15Have you ever tried getting tobacco out of a tea string?
20:19My dear Bruce
20:21You're much too methodical
20:23You organise your life too much
20:25You organise your life too much
20:27Untidiness is a sign of genius
20:29All the geniuses
20:31George Bernard Shaw
20:35Einstein
20:37McCorney
20:39All on tidy
20:41You are no genius
20:43You must admit I'm halfway there
20:45I don't know how you can live like it
20:47You leave everything lying around
20:49And don't go walking around with those muddy shoes on
20:51Get them off! You slip us by the door
20:53Thank you darling
20:57Get them on!
20:59And don't leave them there
21:01Put them away!
21:03I could have trained a chimp by now
21:05I could really
21:07And Ron, Ron
21:09I don't wish to be a nag
21:11A nag I don't wish to be
21:25But shoes do not belong in a drink cupboard
21:29Don't stand nose to nose with me
21:31Don't stand nose to nose with me
21:33Don't stand nose to nose with me
21:35You're equipped with a superior weapon
21:39Well watch it
21:43There's a shoe cupboard in the bedroom
21:47Oh look really three
21:53How are you one getting there?
21:55Hey!
21:57Oh he's getting better he only missed by that much
22:01And don't leave that bottle lying about
22:03Where everybody can see it
22:05Put it away
22:07And what shall I do with these?
22:09And don't answer that
22:11At least it'll be tidy
22:13And for your information
22:15Varses are not the place for bottles
22:17Oh yes they are
22:19Look this place is like Lost Weekend
22:21How did that get in there?
22:23Because it was too big to go in there
22:27You're so untidy
22:28You leave everything lying around
22:29And I bet you can't find a thing of your own
22:30I know where everything is
22:32Alright then we'll have a race
22:33Fine! We'll have a race
22:34We'll have a race then
22:35Alright then how quickly
22:36How quickly can you lay your hands
22:37On your electric razor?
22:38Quicker than you can
22:39Alright then
22:40Oh you're joking
22:41Your side of the bathroom is like a junk shop
22:44Alright then we'll have an electric razor race
22:46Electric razor race
22:47Electric razor race
22:48Alright?
22:49Ready?
22:50Ready?
22:51Steady?
22:52Go!
23:00I won
23:02What have you got a razor in your pocket for?
23:04Because I got up late this morning
23:06Surprise, surprise
23:07Oh I give up
23:09Up I give
23:10I've never seen anybody so untidy in my life
23:13Anything you do is untidy
23:14Look you even sit untidy
23:15Well I'm tired
23:16Yeah surprise again
23:17You even sleep untidy
23:19I can slip in out of bed
23:20And nobody even knows I'm there
23:22Yeah whose bed?
23:25I look at you this morning
23:26You woke up with your feet under the pillow
23:27The blankets on the floor
23:28And a sheet tied round your waist
23:30Well what's wrong with that?
23:31Happened to be my bed
23:34Well I couldn't sleep in my bed
23:35Mavis was there
23:37Oh well I don't know about that
23:39Mavis?
23:41You know that smashing little blonde I met
23:43Where'd you keep her? Under the mattress?
23:45Good lord
23:46Oh I don't believe it
23:49I just don't believe it
23:51Where did I put her?
23:55You see what I mean?
23:56You leave everything lying around
23:57Don't you?
23:58Everything lying around
23:59Well I must have put her somewhere
24:00Mavis here girl
24:01Here girl
24:02Mavis
24:03Mavis
24:04Out you can't
24:05How could you possibly lose
24:06A fully grown girl?
24:08I don't remember
24:16Look at your wardrobe
24:17I've never seen anything like it
24:18In my life
24:21And you have put her somewhere
24:22I'm having a drink
24:23I've had enough
24:24And look at her
24:25Look at her
24:26Even she looks a mess
24:27Well where can you keep a blonde
24:28That's tiny?
24:29Well I don't know about blonde
24:30But if it's a brunette
24:31In here look
24:33Let's see Rod
24:34Tell me Rod
24:47Tell me Rod
24:48How did an untidy person like you
24:50Happen to come into show business
24:51Well that's nice isn't it?
24:52You being serious?
24:53I am being serious
24:54Well as a matter of fact
24:55I started by impersonating
24:56Nat King Cole
24:57Oh yeah I remember the show
24:58Yeah
24:59Hollywood Devils
25:00He was a dropper
25:01Thank you
25:02Well I was working Liverpool
25:03Pavilion once
25:04And he was at the Empire
25:05So I went along to see him
25:06And I got his autograph
25:07Yeah
25:08And after I got his autograph
25:09He said to me
25:10What do you do for a living?
25:11Yeah
25:12And I said well as a matter of fact
25:13I impersonate you
25:14And he said what are you trying to do
25:16Cripple me?
25:17Yeah
25:18Well about eight years later
25:19I had the honour of doing
25:20The Royal Command show with him
25:21Yeah
25:22Walk on part in the same show
25:23That's right yeah
25:24And he came running across the stage
25:28And he threw his arms around me
25:29And he said Ronnie how are you?
25:31I know
25:32That's the sort of person he was
25:33That's amazing
25:34Great guy
25:35So everywhere I go
25:36I always include at least one of his songs
25:38As my little tribute to a great man
25:40And a great artist
25:41Yeah
25:42Good idea
25:43So if you'd like to get on the piano
25:45I'd
25:46Oh you want to do one of the Shearing ones
25:47You want to do one with George Shearing?
25:48That's right
25:49A few of those
25:50Okay fine
25:51Alright
25:52Are you going to sing?
25:53Yeah
25:54Well put your shoes on
25:55I think you're doing a sandy shore
26:20Let there be you
26:33Let there be me
26:37Let there be oysters
26:42Under the sea
26:45Under the sea
26:48Let there be wind
26:50Let there be wind
26:52Occasional rain
26:55Chilly con cali
27:00Sparkling champagne
27:04Let there be birds
27:08paintings
27:10To sing
27:11To sing
27:12In the trees
27:13Or someone
27:14To bless me
27:15Whenever I sneeze
27:16Whenever I sneeze
27:17Whenever I sneeze
27:22Let there be cuckoos
27:27A lark and a dove
27:29But first of all please
27:35Let there be love
27:47Let there be cuckoos
28:12A lark and a dove
28:14But first of all please
28:20Let there be love
28:23Love
28:27Let there be love
28:31Let there be love
28:38Let there be love
28:45Welcome to part three
29:10Now I welcome my very beautiful and delectable dancing partner
29:14Miss Alita Morris
29:40But you wonder what I'm thinking about
29:44I'll tell you one thing I'm not thinking about
29:46The next step
29:47That we've been rehearsing for the last ten days
29:50Haven't we darling
29:50So if our feet don't know what we're doing now
29:52They never will do
29:52But you may wonder
29:55Wonder you may
29:56What we do think about
29:58Well tonight you're going to find out
30:00Because we've both been fitted with very special radio microphones
30:03That only pick up our innermost thoughts
30:05Get the bleeper ready
30:06It was worth the operation though wasn't it dear
30:12Yes yes
30:14Are you ready
30:15Go
30:16Are you ready dear
30:20Start
30:21I wonder if Aunt Frieda's looking in
30:37She hated me last show
30:39Hope he's not thinking about his Aunt Frieda
30:46She hated his last show
30:48I'd love to tickle her now
30:57If he tickles me now
31:03I'll scream the place down
31:18What's he looking at?
31:37Hope she doesn't wobble
31:39What's he wobbling for?
31:48Glad that bit's over
32:18I bet Aunt Frieda hated that
32:30Thank you so much
32:46By the way you know just for something to say
32:48Did you have a think there?
32:51What did you think about?
32:52Oh well I was thinking how beautifully you danced tonight
32:54And how handsome you looked
32:56Oh really?
32:56What were you thinking about?
32:58I was thinking how beautifully I danced tonight
32:59And how handsome I looked
33:00Isn't it funny?
33:01You have the same sort of thoughts like that
33:03And by the way next week we'll probably do a fandango
33:05Or maybe a flamenco
33:07And on the other hand we might dance
33:09Who knows?
33:10But darling
33:11Bye bye
33:12Nice to see you
33:12Bye bye darling
33:13Bye bye
33:13Now
33:17Now it's time to meet my very extra special guest star
33:22The very captivating Kathy Kirby
33:24And while back I'm coming through
33:34Nothing can stop me now
33:37Watch out world I'm warning you
33:41Nothing can stop me now
33:44Now I know that there is a promised land
33:48I'm gonna find it and how
33:50Hope is high and I'm gonna cling to it
33:54Tie every string to it
33:56Give everything to it
33:58I'll make all my dreams come true
34:01Before my final bow
34:03How I'll do it who can say
34:07But I know I will someday
34:10Watch out world I'm on my way
34:14Nothing can stop me now
34:16Nothing can stop me now
34:17I will find success today
34:22Nothing can stop me now
34:26Yesterday was yesterday
34:28Nothing can stop me now
34:31Now I know the future is mine to have
34:36I'm here by making this vow
34:39From now on I'm gonna begin again
34:42Stick out my chin again
34:44Go in and win again
34:46Get you gone you sky of grace
34:50Farewell you for a crowd
34:53Now my future's triple clear
34:56No more woe for me to fear
34:59I'm gonna stand this world upon it dear
35:02And I'll succeed somehow
35:07I'll walk a million miles
35:10The one that gets fired
35:13Nothing can stop me now
35:20I add two and two
35:37The most simple addition
35:39Then swear that the figures are lying
35:44I'm a much better singer
35:47Than mathematician
35:50Cause I'm better on stage
35:54Than at intermission
35:56And as far as the man is concerned
36:03If I've been burned
36:07I haven't learned
36:12I know he's around
36:24And the sky and the ground
36:27Starting ringing
36:30I know that he's around
36:38By the thunder I hear
36:42In advance
36:47His words
36:49And his words alone
36:52Are the words
36:54That can start my heart singing
36:58And his
37:03Is the only music
37:05Is the only music
37:06That makes me dance
37:10He'll sleep
37:15And he'll rise
37:17In the light
37:18Of two eyes
37:20That adore him
37:22For him
37:29For him
37:30For him it might
37:31But he won't
37:33Leave my sight
37:34For a glance
37:39In every way
37:43Every day
37:45I need
37:47I need less
37:48Of myself
37:49I need
37:50More
37:51Him
37:52More
37:54Him
37:55Cause his
37:56Is the only music
37:58That makes me
37:59Dance
38:00This is the only music
38:02That makes me dance
38:07Yes, he's the only music
38:09That makes me dance
38:12Yes, he's the only music
38:15That makes me dance
38:17Music
38:18That makes me
38:22Dance
38:23Come on, love, we'll miss it
38:44Who came in here? Somebody came in
38:46It was me
38:47I know when somebody comes in you think I'm useless
38:49But I know when somebody comes in
38:51Are you ready, love? The film starts in 20 minutes
38:54Yeah, baby's asleep
38:55Are you sure Dad'll be alright looking after him?
38:58He'll be alright
38:59But we shan't be gone long, only about a couple of hours
39:02How long will you be gone then?
39:04About a couple of hours
39:06I know somebody came in
39:08I heard them
39:09I know when somebody comes in
39:10It was Albert
39:12How long will you be gone then?
39:14A couple of hours
39:16Look, you'll be alright
39:18Now switch the telly on if you want to
39:20And if the baby wakes up
39:22Give him a bottle
39:22And just rock him a bit
39:24What did he say? What did he say?
39:30He said switch the telly on
39:32If the baby wakes
39:34Give him a bottle
39:35And just rock him a bit
39:37What did he say? What did he say?
39:43Are you sure Dad'll be alright?
39:45He'll be alright
39:46What did they say? What did they say?
39:48Come on, love
39:49I'll be alright, just you get me up and I'll
39:51Well, I'll be alright
39:53I'll be alright then, love
39:54I'll be alright now
39:55You go and enjoy yourselves
39:56I'll be alright
39:57Alright then, love
39:57Don't worry about me
39:58Bye-bye then, love
39:59Bye-bye, dear
40:00You enjoy yourselves
40:01Don't worry about me
40:02You go and enjoy yourselves
40:04Have a nice time
40:04Enjoy yourselves
40:05Don't worry about me
40:06Alright for them going out
40:08Enjoying themselves
40:09Even here
40:09All on the other
40:10I know somebody came in
40:14Nobody tells me nothing
40:15But I know when somebody comes in
40:17I said I could watch the telly
40:40Don't think much of that
40:41I saw that last night and nodded off
40:44What's going on here?
40:55Nothing works in this place
40:56Sounds like a baby crying
41:03I knew somebody came in
41:09Yes, you just want to go to the pictures
41:12Don't you like, Kerry Grant?
41:13Hold on then
41:14Here we are
41:15Have a little drink, eh?
41:17Have a little drink then
41:19Here we are
41:20Have a little drink
41:21Come on, have a little drink
41:22Come on, have it
41:24Oh, somebody's banged the top up
41:26Have a drink, come on
41:28Have a little drink, eh?
41:31Have a lovely drink, that's it
41:33Have a little sleep
41:34Have a little sleep then, eh?
41:36Have a little sleep
41:37Here we go then
41:38Hush-a-bye
41:40Hush-a-bye
41:42I like pickled onions
41:45I like pickled onions
41:48Pickled cabbage is all right
41:51With a bit of cold meat
41:52On a Sunday night
41:53I could go to Martin
41:54Where are you?
42:02Oh, yeah, that was Harry Champion
42:05Good old Harry Champion
42:06At the old Oban
42:07Oh, he was marvellous
42:09Who is he?
42:16Good evening, sir
42:17Sir, I have a word with you
42:18Anybody there?
42:19I'd like to have a word with you
42:20Who is he?
42:21Yes, sir, I have a word with you
42:22There's nobody there
42:23Oh, good evening, sir
42:28You must be Mr Dykes
42:30I represent the Union Providence Insurance Company
42:33I understand, sir, that you may be interested in our new all-in, all-out policy
42:37The premiums are very small, sir
42:39From five to ten shillings a week
42:40Which, with bonuses, will produce an annuity of fifty pounds a year
42:43After ten years for the rest of your life
42:45Are you interested?
42:48Up the pictures
42:48I beg your pardon
42:50Yes
42:52Yes, yes, yes
42:54Are you sure that you are Mr Dykes?
42:57What is your name?
43:00Cary Grant
43:01Oh, I see
43:02Cary Grant
43:04Cary Grant and that blonde tarp
43:07Yes, well, you see
43:08I represent the Union Providence Insurance Company
43:12Up the pictures
43:13Yes, yes, yes, I just heard you say, sir, sir
43:14You don't seem to be misandering, you see
43:16Pardon?
43:18No, no, no
43:19It is the telephone
43:21Oh, hold that, will you?
43:25Who is it?
43:27Is that really there?
43:28No, no, no, sir
43:29It's not the door
43:30It's the telephone
43:31Oh, yeah
43:32Hello
43:37Hello
43:41Hello
43:42Hello
43:44Nothing works in this place
43:47Yes, no, sir
43:48No, no, you have to pick it up
43:50They're all out
43:57Sir, you don't seem to understand
43:59You see, I am from the Union Providence Insurance Company
44:02It's only to serve the way the baby out
44:04Yes, yes, I'm telling you, sir
44:05But you see, you see
44:06I am from the Union Providence Insurance Company
44:09And, and, and, and, and, and, and, what I, I'm a bit, sir
44:12Pardon?
44:14Carrie Grant
44:14I'm a plotter
44:15Sir, I am trying to interest you in your future
44:20Oh, I don't know, something's gone wrong with it
44:22It hasn't worked all night
44:23Well, that's because it's not switched on
44:26There
44:27Oh, that's, oh, that's very nice of you, sir
44:30Oh, it's not, I'm going to say anybody's has a friendly deed for me
44:33Now that they've all gone out and left me on me own
44:36What can I do for you, my kind sir?
44:38Oh, at last
44:39Well, well, you see, I represent Union Providence Insurance Company
44:43Oh, then
44:45Yes, then
44:45Then
44:46Then
44:47Then
44:47At the picture
44:48Yes, I'm here
44:49Well, to hell with the picture
44:50Pardon?
44:51Never mind
44:52No
44:53And it was Carrie Grant
44:54To hell with Carrie Grant and that blonde tart
44:57And to hell with the Union Providence Insurance Company as well
45:01Thank you, sir
45:03Thank you
45:13One of the problems with television right now
45:24I've got to go from an old man to myself
45:26All right, will you just get me out of this now?
45:31Would you mind?
45:32Just sort of
45:32That runs it
45:33Oh, don't worry
45:34Don't get worried
45:34I've got my evening dress underneath, you see
45:36And under my evening dress I've got a pair of pyjamas
45:39And under that I've got another evening dress
45:42Just in case somebody foes me up and I go out
45:44Fine, isn't it?
45:49Oh, that's lovely, darling
45:50That's lovely
45:51Can I help you?
45:52Oh, sorry
45:53There we are, that's fine
45:55I've got another one underneath, you see
46:03There was another joke here and I forget what it was
46:10Right, that's fine, that's good
46:14You shall go to the ball
46:16Bye-bye, blues
46:31Bye-bye, blues
46:39Bells ring
46:46Birds sing
46:50Sun is shining
46:55No more pining
47:00Just waiting
47:04To
47:05Smiling
47:11Smiling
47:11Smiling
47:11Through
47:14Don't cry
47:20Don't sigh
47:25Bye-bye, blues
47:31I left my heart
47:35In San Francisco
47:41Beyond the blue
47:44And windy sea
47:49When I come home
47:53To you
47:56To you
47:56San Francisco
47:59The golden sun
48:02Will shine
48:05For bye
48:07Bye-bye, blues
48:11Bye-bye, blues
48:20Don't cry
48:25Don't cry
48:26Don't sigh
48:31Bye-bye, oh, bye-bye
48:40Bye-bye, blues
48:47Tell me, Kathy, uh, will you come back in the show if he asked you to?
49:04Well, I'll do whatever you're gonna do, Ron
49:06That means you're not coming back there
49:07Why?
49:08Well, for old Ong Chin
49:09The only reason I'm on the show is because I'm stage struck
49:13Oh, well, in that case
49:15I will come back when the elephants roost in the trees
49:21I will come back when the birds make love to the bees
49:25I will come back when the sun refuses to shine
49:30President Johnson is a cousin of mine
49:34He's the only friend I have and I hate him
49:36I will come back when Bernie Winters loses his teeth
49:42I will come back when the socialists cheer Mr. Heath
49:46I will come back when the price of whiskey goes down
49:50And some British boxer wins the heavyweight crown
49:54Oh, that's nice, that's charming
49:56The way you two have just been going on, I think it's awful, really awful
50:00But you kid yourselves
50:02What makes you think I'd ask you back anyway?
50:04I've got news for you
50:06News?
50:06I'll ask you back when at last the fugitive's caught
50:11I'll ask you back when beer is tartance and quart
50:15I will come back when Harry Seacombe is slim
50:19And I'll come back tomorrow if it wasn't for
50:23Oh, that was cutting, that was cutting, cutting, that was
50:26I will come back when Kirby's lips cease to shine
50:32I will come back when Carol remembers a line
50:36And when ITV is on Channel 2
50:40Then maybe we will come back to you
50:44Oh, you mean that?
50:45You would?
50:46You mean it was all just a joke?
50:48Even you, Rob?
50:49Look at him
50:50The John Wayne of County Clare
50:51But haven't they been a lovely audience?
50:56Don't you think we should thank him?
50:59Let's thank him
51:00We will come back
51:02But before we meet you and you
51:05We'd like to say it's been fun
51:07To be with you
51:09It's been so very lovely
51:11Lovely it's been so
51:14Oh, don't start that again
51:16Get off!
51:17Get off!
51:19He's a bit nut, you see
51:20And next week
51:22Another
51:23One
51:23Two
51:25Three
51:26Four-side show
51:28Two
51:35Ten
51:41Two
51:45Four-side show
51:46Two
51:47Four-side shows
51:48Three
51:49Three
51:50Two
51:51Two
51:51Three
51:52Two
51:53Three
51:54Four
51:55Four
51:55Two
51:56Three
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