- 4 weeks ago
Harry Enfield Presents S01E03 Guide to Family Values
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CreativityTranscript
00:00You don't want to do it like that!
00:07Oh, the increase on my allowance has come through, thanks.
00:15Good.
00:16Increase?
00:17Yeah, Dad's increased my allowance.
00:20An increase, Father?
00:22I hadn't noticed a significant increase in her productivity.
00:27Well, things got in price, Tory boy, and she hasn't had any extra money for a couple of years.
00:32How much is this increase?
00:34None of your business.
00:35How much is this increase?
00:37Look, Dad's given me an extra £80 a month, if you really must know.
00:42£580?
00:45That's an increase of...
00:50...16%.
00:52Way above the level of inflation and totally unacceptable.
00:57Oi!
00:58I run this house, and I'll cook and clean as I see fit.
01:02It's hard work being a mum, and I deserve the extra money.
01:05Mother.
01:07Nobody goes into motherhood for the money.
01:11It's a vocation, and a very honest and valuable one, too.
01:15Where would we be as a nation without our mothers?
01:20But when you start holding this family to ransom, with your unreasonable and selfish demands,
01:27your I'm all right, Jack mentality, then we say,
01:32No!
01:33No!
01:34The line is thrown here, and you do not cross it.
01:38Ha ha ha ha ha!
01:41Marvellous!
01:42Hello, Tory Bloke here!
01:45It is, of course, in the bosom of the family, that one learns the many skills necessary for later life.
01:51I've got a bosom.
01:52Like the fighting spirit.
01:54Harry?
02:04Harry?
02:06Jerry?
02:08So, let's do it.
02:24Ha ha, ha, ha!
02:28Ha! Ha!
02:34Ha-ha-ha-ha!
02:48Whoa… HA-haế terminar.
02:51This is a manly sport.
02:54Of course, we modern conservatives
02:56acknowledge that all types of manliness
02:59should be tolerated and welcomed within the family.
03:07Look, they'll be here soon.
03:09Just relax.
03:11Treat them the same as any other couple.
03:13Yes, of course, you're quite right.
03:15Of course you are.
03:15They're just two normal people in love.
03:22Yes, of course, of course.
03:24Of course they are.
03:25Hello, love.
03:26Hello, Mum.
03:28Hi, Dad.
03:29Hi, Tom.
03:32This is Dominic.
03:33Hello, yes.
03:34Nice to meet you.
03:36It's the first time Tom's introduced us
03:37to one of his special friends.
03:41So, you're Dominic, then.
03:45I'm so sorry.
03:48Dominic.
03:49Dominic.
03:49Dominic, yes.
03:50Yes.
03:51Awfully nice and completely normal to meet you.
03:55Jolly good.
03:57Nice to meet you, too.
03:59Not too nice, I hope.
04:03There we go.
04:05Nice, relaxing drink.
04:07Excellent.
04:08Oh, well, bottom's up.
04:12I'm so sorry.
04:13I am sorry.
04:15I meant queers.
04:17Cheers.
04:17Cheers.
04:19Cheers.
04:19Cheers.
04:20Cheers.
04:21Dinner's nearly ready.
04:22Barry, will you come and carve?
04:24Ah, yes.
04:25That's a manly job.
04:26Why not?
04:27That's right.
04:28You two just sit down
04:29and make yourself at home, oh.
04:31Home.
04:32Home.
04:36I think we'll head back to London about nine.
04:38Are you sure, darling?
04:39You're both welcome to stay the night
04:41if you want.
04:41Thanks, Mum, but we've got to get back.
04:49We've got to go to a funeral tomorrow.
04:51A friend of Dominic's died week before last.
04:53Oh, I'm so sorry.
04:53Yeah?
04:56Was he a special friend?
04:59Yes, he was a very special friend.
05:02And he died?
05:04In a car crash?
05:05Yeah.
05:06Oh, thank God for that.
05:10Oh.
05:12Oh, that's fantastic.
05:16Oh, I...
05:16I'm so sorry.
05:18I just thought he might have died of...
05:20Of...
05:20Of what?
05:24Of...
05:24Of...
05:25Of...
05:25Do you mean AIDS?
05:28Oh, AIDS?
05:29Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
05:31Oh, come on, Dad.
05:32So he died in a car crash, then,
05:34and not of AIDS?
05:35Yes.
05:36You sure he didn't have AIDS,
05:37but still died in a car crash?
05:38Oh, for Christ's sake, Dad,
05:40can you try and be a bit more sensitive?
05:42Now, since you brought it up,
05:43both Dominic and I have been tested,
05:44and we're fine.
05:45Now, if you can't keep your foot out of your mouth,
05:47just keep quiet.
05:51I'm most dreadfully sorry.
05:52I...
05:53You'll have to forgive me.
05:54I...
05:55I'm afraid I'm not really cut out for the modern world.
05:58That's all right.
06:00It's all right, Dad.
06:03Oh, well.
06:04Let's get on with the grub, eh?
06:05Football's on in a minute.
06:06I don't really follow football.
06:09Huh?
06:09What's the matter with you?
06:10A puff or something?
06:22Do you like your new cars, then, old kid?
06:24Yes.
06:25What are you doing with them, love?
06:26Issuing them with tickets.
06:28This one's parked on a single yellow line
06:31before 6.30,
06:32and this one's three minutes over the metre.
06:35Yeah?
06:36Yeah.
06:36I want to be a truffet warden when I grow up.
06:48Only me?
06:50Hello, Dad.
06:51She thought I'd pop round and have a look at your new place.
06:54I'm not stopping.
06:55No, won't even take me coat off.
06:57So, this your new house, is it?
06:59Yeah, that's right.
07:00Not very nice, is it?
07:01You don't want to live here.
07:02You want to live in Hendon, near me.
07:04That's why we moved from Hendon, Dad.
07:06Oh, you don't want to do that.
07:07What?
07:08You don't want to hang the coat up like that.
07:09What do you suppose he looks for when he's at home, eh?
07:12Eh?
07:12You want to use a coat hook in all its actuality.
07:15Oh, well, I'm off.
07:16I'm not staying.
07:18Have a nice cup of tea.
07:19What's that you're doing there?
07:21No, painting.
07:22Oh, you don't want to do it like that.
07:24You don't want to use a roller.
07:25You want to use a paintbrush.
07:26It's much quicker.
07:27Oh, thank you.
07:28I won't mind.
07:29What's going on here, then?
07:30Pour in your tea.
07:31Oh, you don't want to do it like that.
07:33You don't want to put the milk in first.
07:34You want to put the tea in first and then the milk.
07:37Go on, you'll have to make another pot now.
07:38What colour's that supposed to be?
07:43It's pale blue.
07:44Pale blue?
07:45Pale blue?
07:46You don't want a pale blue in a room like this.
07:48You want a misty buff or a mint sunrise or an oak funnel.
07:51Here, I'll give you an act.
07:54Hey, oak, can you get this ladder?
07:56Now, I don't believe you wanted to do that, did you?
08:10Oh, dear, dear, dear.
08:12Oh, well, I'm off.
08:14Where's that tea?
08:15Here you are, Dad.
08:16That's two sugars.
08:17You don't want to do that.
08:18You always take two sugars.
08:20No, you won't let it brew for a while before you put them in.
08:22You'll have to do it again.
08:23Do you want to do that?
08:24Is that an HL finish or a setting?
08:27Eggshell.
08:27Oh, you don't want an HL.
08:28I mean satin.
08:29You don't want a satin.
08:31Oh, dear, look at that eggshell.
08:33Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
08:36No, it's a wonty.
08:37Oh, this one needs coming up a bit.
08:39I'll do it.
08:43You don't want to leave your washing up, piling up.
08:45Thank you, mate.
08:47That is it.
08:48I am going out.
08:48Just wait.
08:49You don't want to leave now.
08:50You want to finish your job now, you start.
08:53Dad?
08:53Eh?
08:53The next door neighbour's about to start mowing his lawn.
08:56What?
08:57At this time of day?
08:58With his slippers on?
09:00I'll best go and have a word with him.
09:02Oh, well, love you, Anita.
09:03You'll have to finish off without me, I'm afraid.
09:05Sorry about that.
09:06You want to clean this carpet up?
09:08Look, you've trodden paint all over it.
09:09She didn't want to do that.
09:11What did you want to do that for?
09:13You didn't want to leave that ladder there?
09:15No, I know exactly what you mean.
09:21There's so much to tell her she hasn't got the legs or skirts that length anymore.
09:24Yeah, all right.
09:33I'll speak to you tomorrow.
09:35OK.
09:36Take care.
09:38Bye.
09:41What's the matter with you?
09:42Nothing.
09:43Sorry.
09:43Don't worry about it.
09:45No, no.
09:45You sit there flinching throughout my entire phone call.
09:48What is it?
09:49Look, it's my problem, OK?
09:51I just can't bear the sound of your voice.
09:54It drives me up the wall.
09:56Oh, well, thank you very much, yeah.
09:58Well, you asked.
09:59What's wrong with my voice?
10:00Oh, there is nothing inherently wrong with your voice.
10:04It's just that I don't happen to like the tone of it.
10:07If it was up here, fine.
10:09If it was down here, fine.
10:11But like this, this relentless, irritating drone.
10:15I happen to find not particularly to my taste.
10:19Oh, I see.
10:20We've been married for 15 years, and all of a sudden, my voice...
10:23Oh, God!
10:25Are you having a fit or something?
10:28No.
10:29It's just that other people seem to be able to drink tea
10:32without making it sound like a pig with its snout in the trough.
10:36Hello.
10:37Hello, David.
10:38David.
10:39I'm going to get changed.
10:43All right, darling.
10:44I love you.
10:45I love you more.
10:48You're babyish.
10:50Of course I love him more.
10:52I love him as much as I loathe you.
10:54Which is why I am keeping this family together.
10:57For his sake.
11:00What's the matter with you?
11:01You've gone deaf as well as saggy?
11:03Of course, like most men, I enjoy the odd 18 big glasses of beer.
11:13Where's your baby sham, Tory bloke?
11:16There you are, then.
11:18Evening, Ken.
11:19Oh, evening, Barry.
11:21Hello, Tom.
11:22Nice to see you.
11:22And you, Ken.
11:23This is Dominic.
11:25Dominic's Tom's mate.
11:28Well, what are you drinking?
11:29A pint of bitter, please, Ken.
11:31I'll have a say.
11:32Me too, please.
11:32Are you sure?
11:34You don't have to, you know.
11:36They do everything.
11:37Cherry brandy.
11:38Dad, we like bitter.
11:40It's what we drink.
11:41What, like men?
11:42We are men.
11:44Yes.
11:45Yes, I suppose you are, really.
11:47Yes.
11:48Excellent.
11:50Surely good.
11:51Ha.
11:52Yeah.
11:54Oh, well.
11:55To men and beer.
11:56Men and beer.
11:57Grr.
12:00Mmm.
12:01Lovely.
12:01I'm just going to the toilet.
12:03Why, are you meeting someone?
12:07Oh, for goodness sake, Dad.
12:10Look, I need to go too, Dominic.
12:11Follow me.
12:12What, you're both going to the loo?
12:14Yes.
12:14Dominic and I want to go for a pee.
12:16Is that okay?
12:16Yes, of course he is fine.
12:20Well, he's looking fine, you old boy.
12:22Yes, he's just gone for a pee with Dominic.
12:24I say he should be in the urinal by now, standing side by side, staring silently ahead.
12:39It should be finished about now, doing up their flies, each doing up their own flies.
12:44And, er, she'll be back any minute now.
12:51Ah, and here they come.
12:53Oh, isn't that excellent, Ken?
12:54My son Tom and his boyfriend Dominic went to the loo and they didn't have sex.
12:58Of course, family bonding doesn't just mean drinking 180 big glasses of beer every day like I do.
13:12It's also about sitting down together at traditional mealtimes.
13:17I could eat a horse.
13:24Can I have another one?
13:26No, one's enough.
13:28Can you help Lulu open hers while I go to the loo?
13:33Good boy.
13:41Can I have some Lulu?
13:42No.
13:44Oh, please, Lulu.
13:45Oh, please, Lulu.
13:50Oh, Lulu.
13:52Please, Lulu.
13:54Please, Lulu.
13:55Oh, goodbye.
14:19Oh, goodbye.
14:20Oh, bye.
14:22Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
14:28Nearly done. Have a couple of minutes.
14:30Mmm, it smells lovely.
14:32Yeah.
14:33Shall I get you another beer?
14:34Oh, yes, please. Tough.
14:36Only me, I'll let me shelf in.
14:39What are we having here, then, Winnie, to the own barbecue?
14:42Yeah, we just thought we'd have a barbecue.
14:43Oh, you've done that all wrong, haven't you?
14:45What do you like to use fire liners?
14:46You don't want to use fire liners.
14:48They'll take the food out.
14:49You want to use a nice bit of kindling.
14:51That's what you want.
14:51Yeah, oh, you don't want to use this kind of charcoal, no, you won't get no heat out of this.
14:57That's better!
15:00No, I told you you used the wrong kind of charcoal, didn't I?
15:02It's too hot, isn't it? That's right, you want to put a bit of water on, that's right.
15:06Yeah, put a bit of water on, go on, put a bit more on, go on.
15:12Now, I do not think you wanted to do that.
15:18What do you want to go and put it out for when it's at home?
15:20What do we have in here, the barbecue or a bath?
15:24Now we'll have to start all over again.
15:28Maureen!
15:36That's a bit of charmed, old kiwi-mappy.
15:38What are you doing?
15:40You just leave this to me.
15:45There you go, that's all right, it's lovely.
15:50Oh, you don't want to do it like that, mate.
15:53You're on the car, it's not well down, that's what you want to do.
15:56You're not so lovely, but that means you just...
15:58Yeah, it's a problem we've got.
16:03Where are you going for your holiday this year?
16:06Mallorca, Judith, same as last year.
16:08Yeah, Stephen's booked us two weeks in July there without bothering to ask me.
16:11I thought you liked it.
16:14Yes, I do.
16:14It's a lovely hotel and it's full of ghastly people that Stephen likes to play golf with.
16:20Jill didn't like their wives because they were young.
16:25Jolly nice, anyway.
16:27Why don't you come too?
16:28There are still rooms available.
16:30We've actually already booked our holiday.
16:32Where are you going?
16:33Crete.
16:35Crete.
16:35It's a really nice dress you've got on, Judith.
16:48Really lovely.
16:49Really, really suits you.
16:51Well, thank you, Stephen.
16:53I saw Jill's one and asked her where she got it.
16:56Ah.
16:57You must have noticed me wearing my one, Stephen.
16:59Exactly the same.
17:00I have.
17:01It's a lovely dress.
17:02Really lovely.
17:03On her.
17:10This is from Mum and I, Tom.
17:12Happy birthday.
17:13Day.
17:15Thanks.
17:20Wow, Dad.
17:22Thank you so much.
17:23Not very original, I'm afraid.
17:25Thanks, Mum.
17:26It's our pleasure, darling.
17:27Oh, no, look, this is too much.
17:30I feel so guilty.
17:31Don't be silly, Tom.
17:33You know, when you get to our age,
17:34it's much nicer to give than to take it up the arse.
17:40I'm so sorry.
17:41I don't know where that came from.
17:43I do apologise.
17:44So, darling, have you had a lovely birthday?
17:47Oh, fantastic.
17:49Guess what David gave me when I woke up this morning.
17:51Oh, God, no.
17:53Breakfast in bed with Bucks Fizz.
17:55Wow.
17:55And then a Palm 5.
18:02It's a handheld computer, Barry.
18:05Oh, good.
18:07Would you care to order a drink?
18:09Ah, a drink.
18:10Good idea, yes.
18:11What do we all think?
18:12Should we go straight for the wine or start with the peddopuffs?
18:16The peddchiefs.
18:17Let's have a bottle of champagne, shall we?
18:21Good idea, Mum.
18:22Great.
18:23Champagne, excellent, yes.
18:24We'll have a bottle of Bottibois, please.
18:27Bottinger.
18:28Bollocks.
18:29A bottle of Bottinger.
18:31Bollinger.
18:33It's a lovely restaurant, darling.
18:37Thanks.
18:39Yes, it is.
18:40It's the first time Mum and I have been to the Arse Bandit.
18:44Gay Hussar, darling.
18:45Gay Hussar.
18:46Yes, so why did you choose this restaurant?
18:50Just fancied a Hungarian.
18:53And he works here?
18:54Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
18:58So, David, how are things in the city?
19:03It must be tough at the moment.
19:05Yes, it is.
19:06Last week's economic forecast sent everyone into a spin, really.
19:09The general feeling in our firm is its back's against the wall.
19:13Because you work there.
19:15I'm sorry?
19:17I'm sorry.
19:17All the other chaps keep...
19:18Barry, will you do the drinks?
19:20Yes, of course.
19:21David, let me fill up your arse.
19:29Gah!
19:35So, tell me, have you seen any good films lately?
19:42Yeah, we saw one last night, didn't we?
19:45Oh, really?
19:45What did you see?
19:46Daddy ate it for the hundredth time?
19:49No, Dad.
19:50I saw What Women Want.
19:52Really?
19:53Why on earth would you be interested in that?
19:57Oh, sorry, I've got to take this.
19:59It's the builder.
20:01Our roof's leaking.
20:02Oh, no!
20:03In this weather?
20:04Yeah, I know.
20:05Hopefully you can come round tomorrow.
20:07It was raining cats and dogs when we came out tonight.
20:09OK, see you at nine o'clock.
20:11Bye.
20:11How was it for you when you came out?
20:14Fine.
20:15My parents were very accepting.
20:18I know.
20:19He means the weather.
20:21Oh, I'm sorry.
20:24I thought you meant when I realised I was gay.
20:27God, you people have a one-track mind, don't you?
20:44What are you doing there, odd kid?
20:46Rearranging the house so it's nice and tidy?
20:48No, they're behind on a HPE payment, so I'm repossessing furniture.
20:54I want to be a bailiff when I grow up.
20:58Yeah?
20:58Oh, bloody fantastic.
21:15So, when you said left, you didn't mean the normal left,
21:19the left that people normally mean when they say left,
21:21the left that's actually on the left.
21:23You meant the left that only you know about,
21:25which is quite uniquely on the right.
21:33You've never made me come.
21:41Of course, the happiest time for the family is Christmas.
21:45What'll you be doing for Christmas, Whiddicombe?
21:47Aha!
21:48Are you sure they're wearing my festive stockings?
21:50Over your head with any luck.
21:52No, Lolo!
22:04My Po!
22:06My Lolo!
22:11Poor Lolo!
22:13Kiss better!
22:14Poor Lolo!
22:15Kiss better!
22:17No, my phone!
22:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
22:47Lulu, po!
22:53Oh, poor Lulu!
23:03Ah, here they are.
23:09Morning, happy Christmas.
23:11Happy Christmas.
23:12Happy Christmas, love.
23:14Happy Christmas, Tom.
23:16And you too, of course, Dominic.
23:18David!
23:24How was Mass, OK?
23:26Wonderful. He's a lovely priest.
23:29Oh, yes, he is lovely, Father Bernard, yes.
23:32Unmarried, of course, but that's because he's taken a vow of chastity,
23:36otherwise he'd definitely be married to a woman.
23:39No doubt about that. Oh, yes.
23:41Barry, give the boys some champagne.
23:44Ah, champagne, yes.
23:45Did you both sleep well?
23:46Oh, brilliantly. It's a really comfy bed.
23:48But creaky.
23:49Oh, I didn't notice that.
23:50Oh, yes, yes. It's very creaky, that bed.
23:53Your mother and I can hear every single movement in it.
23:56Every single movement.
23:58Happy Christmas, everyone.
24:00Ah, happy Christmas, yes.
24:01Ah, it's a wonderful thing about Christmas,
24:04being surrounded by your family and your son's latest boyfriend.
24:07It's bloody fantastic.
24:10Do you mind if I have a mince pie?
24:12Sure.
24:13I'll get out of your way.
24:20I beg your pardon?
24:23What, you wanted to mince pie?
24:25No, no, I have a mince pie.
24:34Oh, hell!
24:35Have them all.
24:36It's OK.
24:37I only want one.
24:38Thanks.
24:38Oh.
24:40Shall we open the presents, then?
24:42Oh, presents, then.
24:43Yes, excellent.
24:45That's the other wonderful thing about Christmas,
24:47your loved ones exchanging presents rather than bodily fluids under my roof.
24:53I don't know where that came from.
24:56I do apologise.
24:57I'm so sorry.
24:59Ah, presents, then.
25:00Happy Christmas, darling.
25:01Oh, thanks, Mum.
25:03It's lovely.
25:05Oh, well, I hope it's the right size.
25:07And they do it in blue, too, if you want to change it.
25:09No, it's perfect.
25:10Do you like it?
25:11It's gorgeous.
25:12It's rugged.
25:15Makes you look manly.
25:18This is from me to you.
25:19Oh.
25:21Brilliant.
25:22A swatch?
25:23Oh, please, God, it's bad enough having to listen.
25:25Oh, please, God, it's bad enough having to listen to you.
25:56Yes, of course it is, yes.
25:57Good idea.
25:59Yes.
26:01Ah, well, happy Christmas, David.
26:06Thanks.
26:07Oh, don't thank me.
26:08I mean, it's from me, but Tom's mother bought it, so thank her, not me.
26:13Please.
26:14Please, God.
26:20Thanks.
26:20Ah, don't mention it.
26:24Ah, ha, ha, ha.
26:25Yes, lovely.
26:27Mmm.
26:28Ah, ha.
26:29Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la.
26:32Barry.
26:33Huh?
26:33Oh.
26:35Happy Christmas.
26:36Thanks.
26:36Thanks.
26:37Thanks.
26:40Wonder what it is.
26:42Hope to God it's not underwear.
26:46Aftershave.
26:47Oh.
26:47Poof.
26:49Poof.
26:53That's, uh, not you, Poof.
26:55I mean, you, Poof, sure, but I meant the aftershave, Poof.
27:00Uh, not Poof, uh, but, uh, mmm, nice Poof.
27:04Mmm, lovely Poof.
27:07Uh, that's thank you for the lovely Poof of the aftershave.
27:11Um, not thank you, lovely Poof for the aftershave.
27:15Uh, lovely Poof, thank you.
27:18Not lovely Poof, thank you.
27:21Um, uh, not, not that you're not a lovely Poof, of course.
27:25I mean, you are.
27:26You're a really lovely Poof.
27:28I mean, not that I find you lovely.
27:30I mean, I do, but not in that way.
27:32Uh, I don't think, oh, a lovely Poof, like a Poof would.
27:36Uh, which I am not.
27:37Um, oh, dear, I think I'd better start again.
27:42Thank you for the lovely aftershave, which smells nice, you Poof.
27:48Oh, Poof.
27:50David, let's go and stuff the turkey.
27:52What, both of you?
27:54Oh, yes, Dad.
27:55We've got to stuff it from both ends.
28:01Is that legal?
Recommended
28:31
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