- 6 months ago
Harry Enfield Presents S01E06 Guide to Being a Senior Citizen
Category
🦄
CreativityTranscript
00:00Oh no, hang on. I'm getting a very strong message coming through. It's from someone called Bill, who's just recently passed over and he says, can you let go of my hand now, please?
00:22I'm ever so weary and tired.
00:25Oh, you just lie back and have a little kip. Here, I've got a cushion for you.
00:31When you get your hard age, you need a lot of kip.
00:34You're nurturing me, aren't you?
00:37Almost.
00:43No!
00:44Yes!
00:46You fucker!
00:47Yes!
00:53Seenile citizens more like me.
00:57Yeah, look at the stain of this bed. It's disgusting.
01:00Is that your filthy underwear?
01:02No.
01:03And that's not my repulsive stain either, is it yours?
01:06Certainly not.
01:07They're interesting though.
01:09Excuse me, will you two gits bugger off out of Tracy Emin's bed this minute?
01:14Bugger off yourself, ugly bitch. We're an installation.
01:20We like culture.
01:25Yeah, puppy puppy.
01:27Well, I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
01:52People always accuse old people of moaning about how much better things were in the old days.
02:00But they were. Take gas, for instance.
02:03I've had to be here for half an hour.
02:06Here, let me out, you bugger.
02:09No effect whatsoever. Shut up!
02:12Oh, there's the doorbell.
02:16Oh, that'll be the lovely young gas man. How do I look? He'll be gorgeous.
02:25Hello, young man.
02:27Kelly!
02:28Hello, ladies.
02:30Have I come too early?
02:31Oh, young man!
02:33You wash your mouth out of some of the water, you naughty young man.
02:39Young man?
02:40Where's the lovely dark boy that was here yesterday?
02:43Er, he begged me to come today.
02:45So where's the gas leak this time?
02:46You're a lovely young man too, you know, young man.
02:49You know, we think you're spitting me to be young Lester Piggott.
02:52If you could just show me where...
02:55Go on, show us your muscles.
02:57Yeah.
02:58If you could just show me where you smelt the gas, eh?
03:00Oh, you saucy devil.
03:02It's in the bedroom this time. Follow us.
03:05No, ladies, you haven't got any appliances upstairs.
03:07Oh, appliances!
03:09Did you hear that, glad appliances, young man?
03:12Young man!
03:13How could you say such a thing, you saucy monkey? Ain't you all right?
03:18It's all right, young man!
03:20Well, shall I just check over your pipe work then?
03:23Oh...
03:26How could you say such a thing to a couple of old ladies?
03:29Young man!
03:31Well look, if it's not your pipe work, what have you got me round here for?
03:34Oh, you are strict.
03:37In the kitchen, young man. The grill, it don't work.
03:41Right, thank you.
03:42So, if you fancy a nice bit of crumpets, you'll just have to make do with us.
03:47You can stick your poker between my muffins any time.
03:52Oh, how could you say such a thing?
03:54Can I just get through?
03:55No, no, no, no, no, no. First things first, we've made you a little snack.
04:00Tuck in, young man!
04:03Oh, breathe in, he'll smell his lovely, sweaty, sweaty sweat.
04:11And look at his lovely bulge, he's like a young desert hawk.
04:14Oh, cute.
04:16Now, look, ladies, please, how about you two just stay here, right?
04:21I'll get my box of spanners and go through into the kitchen and get on with my work.
04:27Get on the job up my back passage!
04:30Get on the job, mate!
04:32Get on the job!
04:33Get on the job, mate!
04:34Let's go for it, oohs.
04:35All right, ladies.
04:36Please, please.
04:38You get his top top off, get his down below.
04:40Oh, please.
04:42Stop straggling, you naughty young guest man.
04:45You're obviously gagging for it.
04:46Help!
04:47Children should be seen, but not hurt.
04:53Ow!
04:54Badly.
04:55Ow!
04:56Just enough to knock some sense into them.
04:59Ow!
05:00Shh!
05:02Remember, be prepared.
05:05Ow!
05:06You wouldn't, was you?
05:08Look at that, isn't it lovely?
05:10Come on, don't be shy.
05:12Come on!
05:14Never accept sweetsmen strangers!
05:22Can't find no vegetable soup in here.
05:40Here you go, Kenny.
05:41Over here.
05:42Heeeh!
05:43Now!
05:44Heeeh!
05:45Heeeh!
05:46Heeeh!
05:47Ha!
05:48Ha!
05:50On your head, kiddo!
05:52Ha!
05:53Ha!
05:54Ha!
05:55Ha!
05:56Ha!
05:57Ha!
05:58Ha!
05:59Ha!
06:01Ha!
06:02Ha!
06:03Ha!
06:04Ha!
06:05Hello little girl!
06:06A little bit of skipping are ya?
06:07Ha!
06:08Ha!
06:09Yeah, here, here, excuse me.
06:11Do you know the way to the nearest public bog?
06:14Yes.
06:15Right, thank you very much.
06:17Now, carry on skipping.
06:19Ah!
06:20You can't, can you?
06:22Ah!
06:23Eee!
06:24Honey!
06:25Yes!
06:26Yes!
06:27Old people, don't just sit at home all day rotting in your own filth.
06:37It's good to get out and about.
06:40Here.
06:41That's a nice car.
06:43Not anymore, it ain't.
06:45Ta-da!
06:46Eeeh!
06:47Eeeh!
06:48Eeeh!
06:49Eeeh!
06:50Eeeh!
06:51Eeeh!
06:52Eeeh!
06:53Eeeh!
06:54I don't know who man is today.
06:57Time was people used to get their seats up, my old funk.
07:01Time was people used to get their seats up, my old funk.
07:06Eeeh!
07:07I'd rather cut their mates, but they're silly bits still.
07:11Eeeh!
07:12Eeeh!
07:13Eeeh!
07:14Eeeh!
07:15Eeeh!
07:16Eeeh!
07:17Eeeh!
07:18Eeeh!
07:19Eeeh!
07:20Eeeh!
07:21Eeeh!
07:22Eeeh!
07:23Eeeh!
07:24Eeeh!
07:25Eeeh!
07:26Eeeh!
07:27Eeeh!
07:28Eeeh!
07:29What are you doing?
07:31This is our motor.
07:32Eeeh!
07:33Eeeh!
07:34Eeeh!
07:35Eeeh!
07:36This car stinks like a public toy in it.
07:52I'm not surprised.
07:53We're in it.
07:55Slow down, set the crossing.
08:00The grave awaits you.
08:06The grave signal.
08:08Oh, sorry.
08:09Get out of here.
08:12Left there.
08:15No, I...
08:15Get out of here.
08:19I don't know how you're in a pot hole, do you throw?
08:22Come on, come on.
08:24There's a bloody funeral.
08:29No, I don't believe this.
08:31Who put these in?
08:32Come on, move!
08:34Excuse me, sir. Have we been drinking, sir?
08:47I've never met you before in my life. How could we possibly have been drinking?
08:52Right, sir. Do you know what this is for?
08:55Of course I bloody well do. Thank God you've got an empty one.
08:58Oh, look, there's my Doris.
09:04Oh, yeah, she's got a bit of sunburn, has she? She's all red.
09:07No, no, no, she's staining, she's on the bog.
09:10Oh. Memories, eh?
09:13Yeah. When you're old and decrepit, you can always gain comfort when you think of your family.
09:18Is this the actual trench you attacked from, great-grandfather?
09:22That's right, boy. It was the 1st of July, 1916.
09:26First day of the Battle of the Sob.
09:28At 5am, we assembled here.
09:30We were the 12th Londoners, known as the Cheapskate Pals.
09:34There was me, me little brother Lionel, me little brother Reggie, me little tittle brother Billy,
09:39Arthur Baker, the butcher's son, Arthur Butcher, the baker's son,
09:43Walter Draper, the tobacconist's son, and Teddy Tobacconist, the draper's son.
09:48Jelly was over there.
09:50At 5.30, the whistle went up, and our little street in London would never be the same again.
09:56As one, we climbed the parapets and went over the top.
10:01We walked forward in a disciplined line.
10:04Then I heard the rattle of a German machine gun.
10:07I looked to me left.
10:08Me brother Lionel glanced at me nervously.
10:10Then he shot back, guts pawning from me stomach.
10:14As he gargled helplessly and drowned in his own blood.
10:18Then me brother Reggie got a bullet through the temple.
10:22Good shot, Jenny.
10:23Me little brother Billy got shrapnel through his skull.
10:26Bragged all over the place.
10:28Eww.
10:29He-he-he-he-he.
10:30Then Walter dived into a shell hole for cover, so I shot the coward in the back.
10:35My 5.40, the flower of British youth was dead.
10:39Good.
10:40So I dropped me gun, pulled out me white flag, and opt over at the jetty,
10:43who put me in a very nice prisoner of war camp in Potsdam.
10:47He-he.
10:48Me parents never recovered from the loss of their three favourite sons,
10:52a year later and they were both dead too.
10:55Good.
10:56What do ya think Lippa?
10:57Good Storey, hey?
10:59Me-he-he.
11:00Ch перев说了.
11:02He-he-he.
11:03Ha ha.
11:04Yeah.
11:07Won't you laugh?
11:09An unexploded shell.
11:11He'es chopped it and all, eh.
11:13Hang about.
11:15Gвossies.
11:16Oh.
11:17They really are shock resistant.
11:19I'll add that.
11:20Heh!
11:21I'm home!
11:33When are you?
11:34I'm in the kitchen.
11:36What are you doing, washing your s'mores?
11:38No.
11:40Drowning the kittens.
11:45Did you get it, then?
11:47Yes.
11:48Let's have a look.
11:51Look at these fools, Winn.
12:00Million pounds.
12:02Who'd have thought 92 no-score drawers would ever turn up?
12:07So, come on, then.
12:09What are you going to do with it?
12:10It's very difficult to think of things that cost a million pounds.
12:13You won't be inundated by your children, Winn.
12:16You die.
12:17Yeah.
12:18You could buy yourself a country house.
12:20And burn it down.
12:22That's a good idea.
12:24Or you could get yourself a racehorse and shoot it.
12:26Now, that's a really good idea.
12:29Yeah.
12:30Yeah.
12:32Yeah.
12:33Best of all, why don't we just burn the bloody lot of it?
12:37Now, that is a brilliant idea.
12:39Nobody is getting a penny of my money.
12:41Yeah.
12:42Go on.
12:43Get on a bloody fire with you.
12:45Yeah.
12:46Get on with you.
12:47Here, look.
12:48New minibus for the old folks' home.
12:49Yeah.
12:50Yeah.
12:52Two kidney units for the local hospital.
12:56Oh, we forgot comic relief.
12:57Yeah.
12:59Children in need.
13:00Well, you'll have to stay in bloody need.
13:02Always remember, a puppy's not just for Christmas.
13:09It's for Christmas dinner.
13:15Yeah.
13:16Is that Nigella's recipe?
13:18No, it's Delia's.
13:19I'm a traditionalist.
13:27Get out of it!
13:30My brother said, Father Christmas doesn't exist.
13:34Oh, well, if Father Christmas doesn't exist, then this won't hurt.
13:38Oh, I appear to be stuck.
13:48Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:53Oh, my God, where's your mother?
14:00Oh, get in there.
14:01What's the matter?
14:02Take this brat away.
14:04I won't wait.
14:04Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
14:09I don't know what you're apologising for.
14:11It was me.
14:13Happy Christmas.
14:15Oh, thank you.
14:17I wonder what it is.
14:22Smells nice.
14:23Is it what I think it is?
14:24I hope so.
14:27A dead cat.
14:30Only you said you wanted one for under the floorboards.
14:33Thank you very much.
14:35Thank you very much.
14:38What are you eating me for Christmas this year?
14:41Better be better than last year, an empty bloody box.
14:44There was a perfectly good coffin.
14:47It was sick of me.
14:48I'm not a grateful bugger.
14:50I did my back in digging that up.
14:53I thought you'd have something to go with it this year.
14:55Yeah?
14:55What?
14:56Headstone.
14:58Yeah.
14:59Yeah.
15:00Do you remember what we put on our mates, his headstone?
15:03Oh, yeah.
15:04Here lies Maisie Giff, who fell asleep.
15:09But we buried her anyway.
15:12Is everything ready?
15:14Only I'm starving.
15:15I think so.
15:17You don't think the turkey looks a little underdone, do you?
15:20No, it looks perfect to me.
15:22Right.
15:23Let's eat the bastard.
15:24Yeah.
15:25Yeah.
15:25What do you want for Christmas, little boy?
15:32I want it to snow.
15:33Your wish is granted.
15:35I'll see you now, young man.
15:43Oh!
15:44Young man.
15:44Young man.
15:51Just because we're an old people doesn't mean we don't have a healthy sexual appetite.
15:56What these two can do with a mint defies belief.
16:04Good morning, madam.
16:18Oh!
16:19Good morning, young man.
16:21Do you want me to fill her up?
16:22Oh, young man.
16:24Young man.
16:25Oh, nobody's filled me up for over 20 years.
16:28Oh!
16:30Oh, you cheeky young man.
16:32Oh, look at his arms held.
16:34Isn't they lovely?
16:35Yeah, so I've seen you here, muscular.
16:38You're a lovely young man, aren't you, young man?
16:41Uh, thank you.
16:42Do you want leaded or unleaded?
16:44Leaded, young man.
16:45Yeah, I suspect you've got plenty of lead in your pencil, ain't you, young man?
16:50Oh, look at you, waving your lovely big nozzle about.
16:55Oh!
16:57You've done that before, haven't you, you naughty boy?
17:00Where's your lovely dark boy today, then?
17:03Uh, he's hiding out the back.
17:06Oh, we like him, don't we, Glad?
17:08We do.
17:09Do you know, we think he's a spitting image of a young Harry Bellifonti.
17:14Aren't you?
17:14You're a lovely young man yourself, young man.
17:17You're the spitting image of a young Bernie Winters.
17:19Oh, you are.
17:20You're the spitting image of Frankie Boone.
17:23There you go.
17:25Thank you, young man.
17:26Check the oil, young man.
17:28Check the oil.
17:29Okay.
17:30You can fiddle with our dipstick and we can twiddle with yours.
17:34Oh, you are.
17:35No, you're a naughty young man.
17:36You ought to be ashamed of yourself for saying such things.
17:39Oh, look at that, Glad.
17:41Isn't it lovely?
17:42It's like a little peach.
17:45We didn't like that, didn't we, Hild?
17:47Oh.
17:47Oh, young man.
17:49Oh, young man.
17:51You hurt yourself.
17:52Oh, young man.
17:54Come and have a sit down.
17:55Let your auntie Hildy look after you.
17:58Go for it, Hild.
17:59All right, Gladys.
18:03Hey!
18:03Please, girls!
18:06Please, girls!
18:36Dirty bugger. It's my turn with her tonight.
18:51Eight, eight, nine, eight, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine.
18:58Hello.
19:06Hello.
19:08It's strict restaurant manager here.
19:12Oh, I've been a naughty girl.
19:15I've spilled spaghetti all over the floor.
19:19And you have forced me to bend over and lick it up.
19:27And now, what are you going to do to me?
19:35Oh, young man.
19:37I'm a naughty sir.
19:38Oh, young man.
19:54Excuse me. This is a funeral service.
20:14We know.
20:16We're celebrating.
20:17Yeah, you miserable bugger.
20:22Everyone would think this is a wedding.
20:25He was our friend.
20:27No, he wasn't.
20:28No, well, we knew him anyway.
20:30It's your fault he died.
20:32What, just because I left the gas running?
20:34Because you gave him that cigar and told him to light it after me.
20:37It was a big explosion.
20:44It was a very, very, many, many big explosion.
20:48Poor old Jack.
20:52Best in pieces.
20:56What do you want, y'all?
20:59Ivy?
21:01Alf, Alf?
21:03My elf.
21:06Hello, Ivy.
21:07You haven't lost your looks.
21:20Who's that bitch?
21:24Just someone I used to know.
21:27It's a pity she didn't die in middle age.
21:30Because she makes a truly revolting old woman.
21:37What do you keep looking round for?
21:51Oh, I can't see that Ivy.
21:54Well, it's because she's not here, that's why.
21:56I thought she would have come on to this.
21:59Why the sudden interest in her anyway?
22:01No reason.
22:04Leave, bitch!
22:08Let's go and pay our condolences to the nearest and dearest.
22:12Yeah.
22:12You loved old Jack, didn't you?
22:18And now he's gone.
22:20Yeah.
22:21All you've got left is a life of misery.
22:23Alone and in despair.
22:26Heartbroken.
22:27No more lovely evenings by the fireside.
22:31You know what often happens in these situations, didn't you?
22:34One partner dies, the other one loses their will to live and pines away, pines away, pines away, pines away, until ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Fido's dead, we trust, we trust.
22:55Hello, Alf.
23:01Ivy.
23:02Oh, not you again.
23:04Why weren't you at Jake's wake the other day?
23:06I couldn't take it.
23:07Seeing you after all these years.
23:1055 years, eh?
23:13I remember you, you were a little terror, you were.
23:17Oh, yeah.
23:18Do you know what they used to call me at school?
23:21Poison Ivy.
23:23Poison Ivy?
23:24That's why they should have done to you, not called you.
23:28Oh, I've still got the ring.
23:31Our engagement ring.
23:32The one I give you before I went off to fight Hitler's fascist ors.
23:37We never fought anyone in the war, we hid.
23:42Shut up.
23:44Is it still valid?
23:47It might be, my Ivy.
23:49It might just be.
23:52Oh.
23:52Ow.
23:56Ow.
23:57Ow.
23:57Come on, let's go and frighten some kitties, eh?
24:02My little teacher.
24:04Ow.
24:07No.
24:08Ow.
24:09Let's believe in life, eh?
24:11Ow.
24:13Ow.
24:14Ow.
24:14Ow.
24:32Ow.
24:32No.
24:33One step, two step, tickle-woo under there.
24:39Oh, good.
24:41Here, here.
24:43There's a terrible stink in here.
24:46Yeah, and it's coming from you.
24:49I remember that smell.
24:51It's soap.
24:54What have you done to yourself, man?
24:58Fred, I be and I are going to tie the knot.
25:02Good.
25:03Make sure it's round her neck.
25:07Fred, we're getting married.
25:10Aren't you happy for us?
25:13No.
25:16No.
25:18No.
25:24Ow.
25:32Oh, poor Fred, he died of a broken heart.
25:41Yeah, typical Fred.
25:43He just couldn't bear me finding happiness at last.
25:46Oh.
25:48Still, look, at least he's taken it with him.
25:51I'd like to take this opportunity to read a poem from W.H. Smith in Wreckley Carpenter.
26:02There was an old git called Fred, of whom I would like it said.
26:11He's a sad lost to me, but I've got his colostomy.
26:17To remember him by.
26:19Now he's dead.
26:23Here you are, my beauties.
26:24Have a head start on the ones in the box.
26:26You should have done this 55 years ago.
26:48I know, Chicken, but we've still got a good 10 years left in us yet, haven't we?
26:55That's what you think.
26:56Ha ha ha!
27:16Ha ha ha!
27:19Ha ha ha!
27:19Yeah, I was only paying you back for what you done to me.
27:38Here, I'll do a deal with you.
27:41You can dance on my grave if I can dance on yours.
27:46Done.
27:49Now you can dance on your grave if I can dance on yours.
27:53Now you can dance on yours, now you can dance on yours.
27:55Oh, oh.
28:14Hot, hot, hot.
28:15I'm in the air
28:18Celebration time
28:20Let music
28:22Happy bed you're mine
28:24We have
28:26You're mine
28:35Oh, you're mine
28:45Oh, you're mine