- 4 weeks ago
Harry Enfield Presents S01E01 Tim Nice but Dims Guide to Being a Bloody Nice Bloke
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00:00Who was it who once said the most important thing in life is to be a bloody nice bloke?
00:06Well, it was me, actually, just then.
00:09In fact, I had to say it about 75 times before I got it right.
00:14Bloody difficult, this walking and talking at the same time business.
00:24In my experience, life is just like school.
00:27There are lessons to be learnt, games to be played, and blazers to be worn.
00:33And also, just like school, being a bloody nice bloke means following a few simple rules.
00:45Rule number one.
00:47Academic qualifications are very important.
00:50Don't get any.
00:51Well, seeing as it was a school reunion, I ought to wear the old school tie.
00:59Perhaps I should have left it at that.
01:03Of course, sir, they've radically redesigned the caps.
01:07In my day, they were sort of long and pointed with a big D on them.
01:11Would you like a glass of sherry?
01:13Oh, well, the hell, why not?
01:17Cheers.
01:22Oh, KB, here comes the headmaster.
01:25Now I'm going to get busted.
01:28And what are you doing now?
01:30I'm not doing anything, sir.
01:31Nothing?
01:34Nothing at all, sir, just standing here.
01:36Have you had a drink?
01:37No, sir, no.
01:39If my breath smells of sherry, it's because I've been eating wine gums.
01:44Atkinson gave them to me, so he bought them in the tuck shop.
01:47Would you like a drink?
01:47Please have one.
01:49Really?
01:50Hmm.
01:50Huh.
01:51Crikey.
01:52Things have got pretty lax since I came here.
01:55Excuse me, I don't remember you.
02:01What's your name again?
02:03Ah, nice but dim T, sir.
02:0573 to 77.
02:07Then retake 78 to 84.
02:10Great friends with peers, nothing between the ears.
02:13What's he done since leaving?
02:16He's grown a moustache, sir.
02:18Now, do you know this fellow here?
02:22Fatty Bunstead.
02:24Crikey, you've changed.
02:26The name's Chapman.
02:28You have changed name and everything.
02:30I suppose it must seem very different to you coming back after all this time.
02:35Yeah, it certainly does.
02:36In my day, the cricket pitch was over there where the chapel is now.
02:41This hall here was in what's now the swimming pool.
02:45And those 12th century cloisters out there were a modern science block.
02:50Are you sure?
02:51Yeah.
02:52In fact, the whole school was located 70 miles north of it.
02:58Rule in classes.
03:00Some people think that being a bloody nice bloke's all in the jeans.
03:04But that's simply not true at all.
03:06A lot of my ancestors wore flannels.
03:09Or britches.
03:10Or even tights.
03:12Oh, hello.
03:22I'm Tim Northford-Dim.
03:25Oh, yeah, sorry about this.
03:28Me and some of the chaps are over here on a bit of a bender.
03:31It's actually a stag weekend for Olaf's skull splitter.
03:35Yeah, he's a bloody good bloke, actually.
03:40Anyway, the point is that we're basically here for a spot of rape and pillage, if that's all right by you.
03:46So, if you don't mind, I'd better get on with it, because the longboat's leaving in about half an hour.
03:52Point taken.
04:08Stand and deliver!
04:10Ah, my money or your life?
04:13Oh, it's Dim Turpin.
04:16The thickest highwoman in the land.
04:18The very same.
04:20Where was I?
04:21Oh, yes, my money or your life?
04:23OK, we'll have your money.
04:26A wise decision.
04:29I've got it.
04:30Stand and deliver!
04:32Your money or my life?
04:36Your life.
04:37Don't say I didn't warn you.
04:40Napoleon is over here.
04:44We can't expect the Russians to reinforce us for another day.
04:47We're outnumbered and outgunned.
04:50General Nice but Dim, your thoughts?
04:52I don't think we have anything to fear from Napoleon, sir.
04:56Given that he's just this small, I suggest we just tread on him.
05:04Kiss me, Nice but Dim!
05:06But, sir, we're barely mad.
05:08But I'm dying, Miss Shipman!
05:12I don't care how keen you are.
05:13I'm saving myself for the rear admiral.
05:19Hardy!
05:19I'm not kissing Hardy, either.
05:24Between you and me, sir, he's got a bit of a reputation below decks.
05:29Kiss me, Hardy!
05:30Oh, you slut!
05:31We apologise for the slinking of the Titanic.
05:35This is to use the wrong type of ice on the liner.
05:38There are 2,000 passengers aboard this ship and 40 life punts.
05:42Do you know what this means?
05:44I'm 2,000 divided by 40 of your environment.
05:49I take away the love you first thought, Tom.
05:51Is the answer to your brawl, sir?
05:53Have you got a gun?
05:54Nice but dim.
05:56Certainly, sir.
06:01Will level 42.
06:03Bloody nice blokes can't afford to live in the past.
06:05Ooh, number C.
06:09Never mix religion and politics.
06:12Or is it nitrogen and glycerin?
06:15Well, that's it.
06:15Never mix grape and grain.
06:26Good evening.
06:28I wonder if I can count on your vote this Thursday.
06:31Ah, no.
06:32Right.
06:33How about Thursday week?
06:38There isn't an election Thursday week.
06:41Right.
06:42Which party are you from?
06:44Um, the one that Charlie's uncle's the candidate for.
06:49Hello?
06:49Who's Charlie?
06:51He's the nephew of this politician chap.
06:54Very nice fellow.
06:55What, Charlie's uncle?
06:57No, Charlie.
06:58No, his uncle's a terrible rogue.
07:00Politician, you know.
07:01Involved in some massive property fraud, but, uh, mum's the word till after the end.
07:08No.
07:09Still, he's giving Charlie and I 300 quid to do a few streets for him.
07:12Says he can't be bothered.
07:13Doesn't like the working classes.
07:16And what party is he?
07:18Conservative?
07:19Labour?
07:19Um, says con here.
07:25Sounds like Charlie's uncle.
07:27So why should I vote for him?
07:33Um, knew someone had asked that.
07:37I think this explains.
07:39Monster fancy dress ballooning bashes, champers and hampers at 2,000 feet, stagnant, especially
07:45up.
07:46Sorry for a minute.
07:49Um, is there anything else you'd like to ask me?
07:52What about transport?
07:55Um, Charlie brought me here in his van.
07:57You don't actually know the first thing about any of your policies at all, do you?
08:04Well, I'm more conservative with a small c.
08:07You're certainly something with a small c.
08:12Thanks very much.
08:14You, Britannia, it's very important one holds one's cricket bat properly.
08:20You, Britannia, it's very important one's cricket bat.
08:50You, Citę, it was very important one лежlin.
09:12I know!
09:12I know!
09:13I know!
09:13I know!
09:13Yeah!
09:14Yeah!
09:15Good night!
09:16Well, we'll take you.
09:16Bye!
09:17Let's see!
09:17Bye!
09:17Bye!
09:19Bye!
09:19Rule Olenska, a quick and easy recipe for being a bloody nice bloke.
09:31Always butter your toast on both sides,
09:34so when it falls on the floor, it never lands the wrong way up.
09:40Pretty nifty, eh?
09:41LAUGHTER
09:42Sorry, burnt the tamara salata.
09:55Let's get straight to the main course. What's on the blackboard?
09:57Um, a bit of a speciality of mine, actually.
10:00Spag bol a la timbo.
10:03What's that when it's at home?
10:04Well, actually, it's, um, fish fingers.
10:08I was doing the spag bol when I remembered I'd forgotten a couple of the ingredients.
10:13Which ones?
10:14The spag and the bol.
10:17Sorry, Charlie, just a bit nervous, cos, uh, trying to impress Emma.
10:22A bloody nice girl, isn't she?
10:23Oh, Tim, you daft bugger, forget the crapola cooking.
10:27Totty's not impressed with all that new man bollocks.
10:30The weight of Totty's heart is through your wallet.
10:32Oh, there's the troll. I'm a bit stony at the moment,
10:35since I've lost my job at Sotheby's.
10:37Oh, yeah, a bit of a cross line during a telephone auction.
10:41Flogged a Renoir to a minicab firm for £11.
10:48Rule number footsie 100.
10:50Money.
10:52Now, bloody nice blokes aren't frightfully good with money.
10:55Well, if I had a pound for every fiver I'd given away,
10:58I'd be a ruddy rich dude.
11:02Mr. Nice-but-dim, sit down.
11:05Um, I've asked you in today for a little financial advice.
11:10Fine.
11:13Buy high, sell low.
11:14And, of course, most important thing, never lend money to Roddy.
11:25You'll never get it back.
11:27He still owes me 50p from prep school.
11:29Well, hope that's been of some use to you.
11:35Rule number of thumb.
11:37A bloody nice English bloke's house is his castle.
11:40Unless, of course, he doesn't live in a castle.
11:43In which case, it's probably a pad in Fulham.
11:45Hello, this is Tim Nice-but-dim.
11:49I'm not in at the moment.
11:51Well, I am in at the moment
11:53because I'm recording this message,
11:55but not when you win.
11:57So, if you'd like to speak to Tim,
11:59please leave a message after the tone.
12:03Hello?
12:04Um...
12:04Oh.
12:06Sorry, I seem to have rung my own number.
12:08Hi.
12:09Hi, could I speak to, um...
12:13Is that me?
12:15No, I can't...
12:16Oh, it is.
12:17I think it was.
12:19Hello, this is me ringing me deliberately
12:21just to say to ignore all the messages before they go.
12:25I think I'm probably all me.
12:29This is the living room.
12:31Lounge, dining room.
12:33Call it what you will.
12:35Surely it's the bedroom.
12:37If you like, yeah.
12:39I bought the place off Charlie, um...
12:43He had it on originally at 200 grand,
12:46but, uh, bearing in mind the state of the market,
12:48I made him a ridiculous offer of...
12:50300 grand, uh...
12:53Which is for six out.
12:54Hmm.
12:56This is the, uh, dining room.
12:59Charlie stripped the floorboards,
13:00took them with him,
13:01so I have to walk a bit carefully.
13:03Whoa!
13:03Whoa!
13:05That's amazing.
13:06Come on.
13:07Oh, this is the cellar.
13:09Um, I use it as a dark room.
13:12Which is handy,
13:14because it is jolly dark.
13:17I've had glass doors put in everywhere,
13:19give the place a feeling of light and space.
13:22Let me show you the staircase.
13:23Have you seen the lavatory?
13:27Yes.
13:28Could you tell me where it is, please?
13:30I didn't have any money left for furniture,
13:35but, um, the place is pretty much my taste anyway,
13:39especially this portrait here
13:41that Charlie left behind of me.
13:44Amazing.
13:44I used to follow you round the room everywhere.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48LAUGHTER
13:48And they were stalking.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:52LAUGHTER
13:52Third time lucky.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:56LAUGHTER
13:56LAUGHTER
13:57And now, following the announcement
14:14that Lady Sophie, dim but royal,
14:16is to marry Mr Tim, nice but dim,
14:19we bring you the first exclusive interview
14:22of the happy couple.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:23Uh, Lady Sophie, may I say, first of all,
14:26how thrilled and delighted we are at the good news.
14:31Why? What's happened?
14:32LAUGHTER
14:33How exactly did the two of you first meet?
14:36Well, uh, I sort of put out my hand like this
14:39and said,
14:39how do you do Tim, nice but dim?
14:42And I said,
14:43I'm not Tim, nice but dim.
14:46Yeah, a bit of a misunderstanding there.
14:48LAUGHTER
14:48Was this at the art gallery where Lady Sophie works?
14:53No, it's at the art gallery
14:54where I ring up my friends and organise dinner parties.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:57Charlie took me along there to gulp at some pictures,
15:01as then I saw this fantastically dishy thing across the room.
15:06Lady Sophie?
15:08No, I saw a dish, actually.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:10Still life with some oranges in it
15:12and an apple and a banana and three grapes.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:17But underneath the picture
15:19was this really seriously attractive girl.
15:22Lady Sophie?
15:23No, Charlie's sister.
15:25An absolute smasher.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27Tim, did you ask her father first?
15:32LAUGHTER
15:33No, I didn't fancy her father.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:37Besides, he's already married.
15:40To Mummy.
15:41Coincidentally.
15:43Well, shall we get on to the wedding, then?
15:46I thought it wasn't till May.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:50Oh, it isn't.
15:51I just want to talk about it.
15:53What's the honeymoon going to be?
15:55It's going to be the bit after we get married.
15:58LAUGHTER
15:58Sort of holiday.
16:00We're going together.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:03Presumably it's a secret.
16:06No, I think everybody knows
16:08it's the holiday after you get married.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:10Talk about a sicko.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:12LAUGHTER
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14LAUGHTER
16:14LAUGHTER
16:16Rule number seven,
16:17sport.
16:19And this is absolutely vital.
16:21It's not the winning that's important,
16:23it's the taking bribes.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:26Going skiing again, monsieur.
16:29Excellent fun.
16:30Got myself some new kit, too.
16:33Snazzy shades.
16:34Ski extreme jacket.
16:35Guaranteed bird puller.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:37Aero-dynamic poles.
16:39Sexy or what?
16:41LAUGHTER
16:41Slalom salopettes.
16:43Tossey turn-on.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:45GZ downhill ice master boots
16:47with galvanised bindings
16:49for added crumpet conquering.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:51Finishing touches,
16:52a pair of 295 mogul master skis.
16:57So...
16:57Strap the planks on.
17:01And...
17:02Away we go.
17:04Try, try, try, try, try...
17:06No, Marcus.
17:11Don't push.
17:12No!
17:14No!
17:14No!
17:15No!
17:15No!
17:17Nemo!
17:18LAUGHTER
17:19LAUGHTER
17:20LAUGHTER
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22GERRALLE!
17:24NEMO!
17:25LAUGHTER
17:26LAUGHTER
17:27LAUGHTER
17:28LAUGHTER
17:28Southern Indian chappies...
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31POCA HUNTERS!
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33LAUGHTER
17:34MATMEGENDEE!
17:35LAUGHTER
17:36Seems to be a bit of a hitch.
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39Ah!
17:40Foot's got stuck in rope.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:42Hello, trusty Swiss Army knife.
17:44LAUGHTER
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46Ah!
17:47That's better!
17:48LAUGHTER
17:49RULE ANCIENT AND MODERN.
17:52GO TO CHURCH REGULARLY.
17:54EVERY CHRISTMAS.
17:55WITHOUT FAIL.
17:57UNLESS YOU'RE WEAR SKYING.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00LAUGHTER
18:02Found it.
18:03SOCIAL SKILLS.
18:04The thing about a bloody nice bloke is he can talk to absolutely anybody.
18:18Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, estate agent.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36LAUGHTER
18:45LAUGHTER
18:46So how are you?
18:47LAUGHTER
18:48LAUGHTER
18:50Tim, nice for Tim.
19:14I used to have one of those hand zapper thingies, but I lent it to Charlie and he got it confiscated
19:28by a policeman for using it on the Queen Mum.
19:33Some people have no sense of humour.
19:36What do you do?
19:37I have come to take over.
19:40Really?
19:41Do you know Toby Peckinham Pilch?
19:44He's in takeovers.
19:45Oh, it's a bloody good business, Etra.
19:48Be quiet.
19:49It is be quiet, isn't it?
19:50Yeah.
19:51That's because Christmas Day everyone's gone to their country pads for the weekend.
19:55Where do you live?
19:57I am from far away.
19:59Really?
20:00Do you know Justin and Zaza Wingworth Stanley?
20:05They've just moved to Bronzebury.
20:06Another planet.
20:07Could well be, yeah, the time it takes to get there.
20:11You earthlings are too thick.
20:14Domination would be boring.
20:16I don't know.
20:18I've always rather fancied being dominated, especially by that Tamara Beckwith.
20:24Top totty.
20:26I mean, she may have a face like a Teletubby, but I've been told she goes like a catamaran
20:35out of cows.
20:37Nice.
20:39Table, 나도.
20:51Side.
20:52Time is fair, they could buy.
20:56Dia 97.
20:57Nasty Nick has been removed from the programme.
21:00He's been replaced by another public school boy.
21:03Nice But Dim, Tim.
21:04Hello, I'm Tim Nice, but dim.
21:13Hi, I'm still Tim Nice, but dim,
21:15and I'm pretty confident I can handle the situation.
21:18The producers told me it would be a bit like being in a goldfish bowl,
21:22but I don't think it is at all.
21:24There's no little sunken ship, hardly any seaweed,
21:28and, as far as I can tell, absolutely no goldfish.
21:31So, between you and me, I think the producers are a little bit dim.
21:38The only bad thing about the place is
21:41one gets a creepy feeling one's being watched.
21:49Dear 107, and Tim has finally found his way out of the diary room.
21:53Hello, I'm, uh...
21:55Tim, you must be Craig.
21:58Hey, hey, hey, are you saying I'm Craig?
22:00Are you looking for the fight, pal?
22:01Do you want a face full of fingers, like, hey?
22:03Well, good heavens, no.
22:04All right, calm down, calm down.
22:05We don't want the business involved.
22:06Calm down, eh?
22:07Bah, bah, bah!
22:08Calm down, bah!
22:09Hey!
22:10Hey!
22:11Hey!
22:12Hey!
22:13Hey!
22:14Hey!
22:15What a thoroughly bloody nice bloke.
22:17Hey!
22:18Hey!
22:19Hey!
22:20Hey!
22:21Hey!
22:22Hey!
22:23Hey!
22:24Hey!
22:25Hey!
22:26Hey!
22:27Hey!
22:28What a toilet is, do you?
22:29Hey!
22:30Hey!
22:31Hey?
22:32Are you saying I don't know where a toilet is?
22:33Are you saying I'm stupid?
22:34Anybody who calls me stupid is asking for a kickin'.
22:35Quite right, too.
22:36If I was myself, I'd give myself a good kick in.
22:38Are you saying I can't give it a kickin' on me own? Are you calling me a puff?
22:42Hey, hey, what, what?
22:45Well, Craig and I seem to be hitting it off.
22:48Well, certainly lots of hitting involved, anyway.
22:53And Anna seems like a bloody nice bloke.
22:56Except, of course, she's totty.
22:58Actually, between you and me, I think she's a bit of a go-er.
23:02I think I might be in with a bit of a chance, though.
23:08Oh, Anna, can I ask you something really personal?
23:14Do you know where the toilet is?
23:17Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Tim.
23:21I think you should know I'm a lesbian.
23:23Really?
23:25I'm a Capricorn.
23:27Hey, Anna, you've got to see me six pack.
23:33Attention all contestants.
23:35Crikey, I think I'm going bonkers.
23:37I can hear voices inside my head.
23:40No, Tim, this is Big Brother.
23:42Nigel?
23:43What are you doing here?
23:45You're supposed to be in Antarctica selling fridges.
23:48Today's challenge is the assault course.
23:51Oh, brilliant!
23:52It must be Christmas!
23:53Whoa!
23:54Yes! Yes!
23:56Oh, my God!
23:59If I won the £70,000, I think I'd give it all to Craig.
24:04Hmm.
24:05Because he said that if I didn't, he'd kill me.
24:08I'm sorry.
24:09Yeah!
24:10Yeah, let's do it.
24:11You sit down there.
24:12You sit down there, mate.
24:13Kumbaya, my lord, vote for me Day 112, and it's nearly time for nominations
24:34I'm lovely Craig has decided to change his tactics
24:39attention all contestants this is big brother your final challenge is to boost our ratings
24:58by getting off with each other go on please anyone
25:07Im so lovely, i'm so lovely, I'm so lovely, i'm so lovely
25:20Im...
25:23Yeah, I'm a girl. Look, I'm a lezzy too.
25:28Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
25:32Oh, my God!
25:39The Deer of Reckoning has finally arrived.
25:42I hate nominations.
25:45Well, I'm going to nominate this chap
25:48because I know he's worried about his business
25:51and he'd like to see how it's doing.
25:53And I know he'd like to see his wife and his children,
25:57except that he hasn't got a business or wife and children.
26:01I nominate Tim Nice for Dim.
26:06It's only a flower show.
26:09It's only a flower show.
26:11Tim Nice for Dim, would you please now leave the Big Brother house?
26:16I need a toilet.
26:22I need a toilet.
26:24Yeah!
26:33If you follow these rules,
26:34you'll find there's no situation you can't deal with.
26:37And at the end of the day,
26:38the bloody nice bloke is always the winner.
26:45So, how does one best sum up
26:47what it means to be a bloody nice bloke?
26:50Well, I think Kipling said it best in his unforgettable poem, Gif.
26:55If.
26:56If.
26:57I'm dim with me.
27:01If you can keep your head
27:03when all about you are losing theirs
27:05and blaming it on you.
27:09If you can trust yourself
27:10when all men doubt you
27:12but make allowances
27:14for their doubting too.
27:17If you can dream
27:18and not make dreams your master.
27:20If you can think
27:22and not make thoughts your aim.
27:25If you can meet
27:26with triumph and disaster.
27:29And treat those two impostors both the same.
27:34If you can talk with crowds
27:36and keep your virtue.
27:38Or walk with kings
27:40nor lose the common touch.
27:42If you can
27:43If you can
27:44If you can
27:45If you can
27:46If you can
27:47If you can
27:48If you can
27:49If you can
27:50If you can
27:51If you can
27:52If you can
27:53yours is the earth
27:54and everything that's in it.
27:56And which is more?
27:58You'll be a bloody nice bloke, my son.
28:01If you can
28:02If you can
28:03If you can
28:04Or walk with them
28:05If you can
28:06or she can
28:07or she can
28:08Or walk with them
28:09And you'll be a tiny boy
28:10If you can
28:11If you can
28:12Or walk with a man
28:13With a wolf
28:14And a man
28:15Or walk with a wolf
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