- 7 weeks ago
Harry Enfield Presents S01E05 The North of England
Category
š¦
CreativityTranscript
00:00I say what I like, and I like what I bloody well say, and I say, south of Watford, they're gay.
00:07I say, south of Watford, they're gay.
00:37Hey, you're not very friendly down here, down here in London, are you?
00:45Much more friendly where I come from, up north, up north.
00:49George Whitebrain's the name. I'm a Yorkshireman.
00:53I say what I like and I like what I bloody well say.
00:57And I say to you, love, you might have tiny tits, love,
01:01but you stink like a fairy's fart.
01:04Ooh, magic. Do you mind?
01:08Nope, not at all. I like to speak me mind.
01:11Hey, they've got much bigger tits than that up north, up north where I come from, love.
01:18Would you like a lumpy lard, but, eh? That'll make your tits grow.
01:23Stuck-up moo. No offence.
01:26Hey, bar gum, you lot, in tits terrible price, a lard in London, eh?
01:31All Kingston Rovers.
01:34Hey-up, Jocky.
01:36Oh, thanks, lad. I'm not a racialist. I'll play golf with Kenny Lynch.
01:41Aye, I'm a Yorkshireman, me.
01:44Would you all like to see my arse?
01:47Excuse me, sport. I hope you don't mind me interrupting.
01:56No, that's okay.
01:57Only, er, the wife and I noticed that we happen to be considerably richer than you.
02:03LAUGHTER
02:08I'm sorry.
02:09We appear to be considerably richer than you.
02:14Is that a fact?
02:15Oh, yes. I mean, just look at our clothes.
02:17We wear Chanel, Pierre Cardin, our friends here. We're next in C&A.
02:22Thank you, Pam, profendi, that we are considerably richer than you.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:28Lucky old you.
02:29Look!
02:30Look!
02:31Look!
02:32Did you say look?
02:33Nah, look's got nothing to do with it.
02:35Look!
02:36I've become considerably richer than you through honest, hard work.
02:40You get what you pay for and you earn what you're worth.
02:43Oh, that's one of Stanley's little sayings, that is.
02:46Do you know, my Stanley probably makes more money in a year than you do in ten.
02:50What do you think of that, then, sport?
02:53Gosh.
02:54Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't every financial decision you make a struggle?
03:01Not for us, it isn't.
03:03Ah, yes. Money's done me proud.
03:06I mean, just look at me wife.
03:08I mean, nothing dowdy about my pummy, is there?
03:14No offence, pet.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:18My pummy's as pretty as a picture.
03:20Oh, Stanley!
03:21It's true!
03:24Do you know, she's as beautiful as the day I married her.
03:27And I'll tell you for why.
03:29Every time a bit of her starts to drop, we whip her into surgery for an uplift.
03:34Stanley's right.
03:36Oh, yes, the surgeon's knife's had the lot of her.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40Oh, yes, I'm a self-made man and she's me man-made wife.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:45That's one of Stanley's little sayings, that is.
03:49How long are you here for, then, young couple?
03:51Just a week.
03:52Oh.
03:53Or they could afford Stanley.
03:55Oh, well, never mind.
03:56We'll look after you for a week.
03:58Hey, that's good of us, isn't it?
04:00Course for celebration, that.
04:02Pedro, you lazy oaf, get your big bum over here.
04:05Yes, Mr Herbert.
04:06Two champagne cocktail, sport.
04:08And two glasses of sangria for our friends here.
04:11And none of your usual ambling, chop-chop.
04:14Pedro thinks Stanley's a character, don't you, Pedro?
04:17Indeed, Mrs Herbert.
04:18Sangria con gracias, solo un par de cabezas.
04:22Si, senor, gracias.
04:23Oh, no, no, no.
04:25You didn't have to speak the lingo.
04:27Oh, no.
04:28The only lingo these people understand is the language of Mulay.
04:32Do you know, Stanley and I have been coming here 15 years
04:35and we pride ourselves on never speaking a word of Spanish.
04:38Hey, I said pronto, not often, eh, you dozy dago.
04:43No, Mr Herbert, you are a real character.
04:46AquĆ tienen las cervezas.
04:48Gracias, senor.
04:49Y aquĆ tienen los cocteles de champaƱa.
04:53Cheers, sport.
04:54En los que me he he orinado.
04:59Gracias, senor.
05:02Cheers.
05:10Whoever came up with that must have been a southerner.
05:13That's not a very big tit.
05:15If architecture come from up north, up north where I come from,
05:19that'd be lovely big tit with fluffy pink jumper, aye.
05:27Well, that's what I call a proper Yorkshire-do.
05:41Hey, are you looking at me?
05:42Yeah, I am.
05:43Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:44Don't do it though, don't do it though.
05:56Shut it, you!
05:58Are you telling me we're late?
06:02Oh, Christ, we are.
06:03Hey, come on.
06:04Come on.
06:05We're late.
06:06We're late, we're late.
06:07We're late, we're late.
06:08We're late, we're late.
06:09Now you two of us, we're late.
06:10You're a frigging-alright, what're you going to do about it?
06:12Oh, don't stop me! Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
06:14Hey, calm down!
06:18Hey, late for what?
06:19Are you asking me what we're late for?
06:21Yeah, I think about it.
06:22Calm down, just calm down.
06:30What are we late for?
06:32Well, maybe if we remembered what we did last night.
06:34I remember.
06:35We went to a stag night last night.
06:37Oh, yeah.
06:37Yeah.
06:38But who's stag night, was he?
06:40Oh, it's that twat with the moustache.
06:42Oh, that's right. It was your stag night, Terry.
06:45Are you calling me a twat with a moustache?
06:49Oh, Christ, I am.
06:51I want you to get a moustache.
06:52Let's go.
06:53Hey, hang about, hang about.
06:55Where's the best man?
06:56I'm your best man.
06:58I'm the best man, do you?
06:59Not your best man.
06:59Hey, hey, come on, come on, come on.
07:02Terrell, John, Paul, George, Ringo.
07:08Please, Dale, Scouser, do you take this woman?
07:12To be your wife.
07:13What if I do?
07:15All right, I do you then, happy.
07:18Shut it, Jim.
07:23And do you, Sheila, Preggers, Oswald, Regner, Barnsey, Birkenhead, Jerry, Ferry, Mersey,
07:35Gyrocheck, Tippin' Stick, Grobbler, take this man.
07:39Hey, I never knew you were called Sheila.
07:41Yeah, I've asked.
07:42I do.
07:43Terrell, do you solemnly swear to leave Liverpool at the earliest opportunity, live elsewhere,
07:50and spend the rest of your life going on about how great Liverpool is without ever returning?
07:55I do.
07:58Oh, de-doo-do, don't de-don.
07:59De-doo.
08:00If you swear to annoy everyone you meet by going on and on and on about the marvellous sense of you and the Scousers have,
08:10right, and then get drunk, and hit the person you're talking to, right, you.
08:16Good.
08:16I now pronounce you Scouse and Spouse.
08:19The crew may give the bride a love bite.
08:23Hey!
08:23Hey!
08:24Hey!
08:24Hey!
08:25I'd now like to call on the bright bro to say a few words.
08:35Thanks.
08:39Thanks.
08:41I know we'd all like to thank little Jimmy
08:43from taking the time off primary school,
08:46supplies with the cars.
08:49I've never seen as many presents.
08:52Mind you, I don't know what they're going to do with 32 videos
08:54and 23 car radios.
08:57Wouldn't you look at him, that dirty, great heathen that he is?
09:00Oh, Grandad shot it, will you?
09:02Tell him to shot it with all his bloody pontificating.
09:05Come down here, you dirty, great proddy dog.
09:07Take your punishment like a man.
09:09Calm down, calm down.
09:13Sorry.
09:14I'd now like to call on my dear bros
09:17to make the best man's speech.
09:19Ga and bah.
09:24I'll never forget the time when I, Terry, shagged 15 birds in a week
09:27and caught the clap.
09:31A cracking fella, a cracking fella.
09:33Yes.
09:34Great fella he is.
09:36I never want to see you again in my life.
09:39All right, love, see ya.
09:42Take care.
09:42Marriage wasn't working anyway.
09:47I give my stars.
09:49And now would you all kindly see to the dance floor for the fight?
09:52Yeah!
09:58His first game for Newcastle and his first goal.
10:00Julio Giudio, record Colombian signing, welcome.
10:10Julio, what a debut.
10:1120 minutes on the pitch and a goal.
10:13Something pretty special, eh?
10:14You must be pleased with the way things have worked out today.
10:26Will you be ringing your mum in Colombia later?
10:28Or is it too early in the morning there or late at night?
10:37Julio Giudio, player and a gentleman,
10:39bringing a welcome touch of the cocoa leaf to Tyneside.
10:42It's a pleasure to have you in the Premiership, Julio.
10:47Fair enough.
10:52So what do we know about our new creative director, then?
10:55He is forthright.
10:57He doesn't pull his punches.
10:58Put it like this.
10:59He's the best man in the business.
11:02Hey, you!
11:04Don't stand up.
11:05I'm farting, you know.
11:06No offense.
11:09Right, the name's George Whitehead.
11:11I'm a Yorkshireman, plain speaking.
11:14I say what I like and I like what I bloody well say.
11:17Hey, Hupson, you'll never blame a Yorkshire.
11:19No offense.
11:22What have we got here?
11:24My little pony.
11:26Ding, ding, ding, ding.
11:28Anyone at home?
11:29I don't think so.
11:30No offense.
11:31That's great.
11:32I love the attitude.
11:33Oh, pumped against the wall, lads.
11:35There's a puffing down.
11:36No offense.
11:37Right.
11:38What have you got for me, then?
11:40Right.
11:41Now, as you know, I've been working on the bank campaign,
11:43and I've come up with what I call my egg theory.
11:46This is based on our analysis that shows that what people want from a bank
11:49is, on the one hand, something dependable, solid, like the shell of the egg,
11:53and, on the other hand, something soft, reassuring, sympathetic, like the yoke inside.
11:58What the bloody hell are you going on about?
12:02I've two words to say to that.
12:04Shite!
12:07Now, what's the other one?
12:08Shite!
12:10It knocked you, then I'd go down a boat as well as your 15-stone tart in back a minute.
12:15My name is Marjorie Wallace, and I'm the financial controller.
12:20Oh, that's lovely, dear.
12:22Now, run along and make us a cup of tea, would you?
12:26Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, eh?
12:30Look, I'm sorry, but Marjorie happens to be my girlfriend.
12:33Oh, don't apologise, lad.
12:34We've all made a mistake.
12:36Right, this bank ad, I've done me own.
12:39Close up on a man.
12:40Real man.
12:40No offense, pal.
12:42No, shaman.
12:43Open a bank account of the National Northern Bank, and you get a free packet of lard.
12:49Another one, right?
12:51For that bread campaign.
12:53Eat white bread.
12:54We're now farting about with.
12:56Don't be a puff.
12:58Eat white bread.
13:01I'm terribly sorry, but I just don't think they have quite the right, well, sophistication.
13:07Sophistication?
13:08Sophistication?
13:09Don't talk to me about sophistication, love.
13:12I've been to Leeds.
13:16I've done one of them coffee ads, right?
13:18You know, with Bloke and Tarty Bit from next door.
13:21You can play Tarty Bit.
13:22I know it's miscasted, love, but you'll have to do, eh?
13:25Right, can you read, love?
13:26Yes.
13:27Oh, clever little lass, isn't she?
13:29Right, stand up, then.
13:30Come on up with you.
13:31Hey, hey, hey.
13:33Right.
13:33Bloke and Tarty Bit are in bed, right?
13:36He starts, he goes,
13:37Hey, that were a right good shag, love.
13:40Lucky we had all that coffee.
13:44Otherwise, I never would have been able to keep it up after 15 bucks.
13:49She says...
13:50Fancy another?
13:52What?
13:52Another coffee?
13:54No, another shag.
13:55All right, I'll get the lard.
14:02His second game for Newcastle and his second goal.
14:05Julio Giordio, record Colombian signing.
14:08Nice to have you back on the show.
14:09Julio, what a debut couple of appearances.
14:18Two goals in two games.
14:19Something pretty special, eh?
14:20Aye, Tony.
14:21I thought it was a lovely ballroom, beard, or test the tanko zero either.
14:29I thought it was stuck me to open it when it went in.
14:34And that incident in the second half with Colton Palmer,
14:37you were on the floor for some time.
14:38We thought you might have to go off, but you didn't.
14:40What happened?
14:40So, uh, overall, you must have been very pleased
14:54with the way things have turned out today.
14:56Will you be ringing your mum in Colombia later,
14:59or is it too early in the morning there or late at night?
15:08Julio Giordio, player and a gentleman.
15:10Barry.
15:11No, I said, uh, Mama Queen,
15:13they said I have to kick the book with a couple of years ago, no, like.
15:18Julio Giordio, player and a gentleman.
15:20His mother's dead.
15:21Barry.
15:33Oh, you're a lovely tyrant.
15:36What's your name?
15:37Charlotte.
15:38Oh, now, where are you looking for?
15:40Lauren, I fell in love.
15:42I like a man to be good-looking.
15:44Yeah.
15:46Stylish.
15:47I want a good sense of humour.
15:51It's like a fierce criticism.
15:55Number one.
15:56What do you look for first in a woman?
15:59A purse.
15:59What would you say to me after a romantic evening together?
16:08Get dressed, love.
16:09Your taxi's here.
16:12Number three.
16:14I like to be taken out on a date by a boy who lays on flowers and champagne.
16:20Oh, champagne.
16:20I like that.
16:22How would you take someone out?
16:23Eh, I'd nut him.
16:26That'll take.
16:27Eh, I don't think that's what Charlotte's question meant actually felt.
16:31Hey, are you saying I said he didn't understand the question yet?
16:34No one calls our teddy dick.
16:35Eh?
16:36Who are you calling tech?
16:37I didn't call you tech, you dickhead.
16:39Well, will she go for number one, who's got a moustache and is rather violent?
16:44Or number two, who's rather violent and has got a moustache?
16:48Or number three, the moustachioed violent one?
16:51Oh, well, I think they're all gorgeous, but it's not me that has to choose, is it?
17:02So, come on, Charlotte, which one are you going to choose?
17:05Oh, I'm sorry.
17:06I can't choose any of them.
17:07They're all rude, ignorant Scousers.
17:10Are you saying there's something wrong with coming from Liverpool?
17:12No!
17:13Well, come on, do I care if you kiss them?
17:15I'm not!
17:21Now, that's a yacht, said it, eh?
17:24Aye!
17:28Excuse me, sport, I hope you don't mind me interrupting, but I couldn't help noticing that we appear to be considerably richer than you.
17:38No, I doubt it, mate.
17:43I beg your pardon, mate?
17:46I said I doubt that you're richer than me.
17:49Ah, bugger, of course we are. Look at you!
17:51No, I think not.
17:54All right, but now much money you got?
17:57Look, I don't really want to talk about this, actually. It's a bit vulgar.
18:00Okay, Pat. Have it your own way. Fair enough.
18:04Let's forget the money. How big's your house?
18:08Which one?
18:10Your what?
18:12Which house?
18:13My house in L.A., in Paris, on the Cap d'Antibes, or my Oxfordshire mansion?
18:18Or my, er...
18:21Or my hotel, the one you're sitting in at the moment.
18:24Look at his Rolex, Stanley.
18:44All right, pal, you've had a bit of fun. I hope you're pleased with yourself.
18:46Some people, eh, Pammy? Get a bit of money, it goes to their heads.
18:50Come on, let's go to Barbados for the week-end.
18:53Have you been breathing, Stanley?
18:55How many cars you got, you bastard?
18:57Stanley!
18:57How many businesses have you built up, single-hand and lay in the West Midlands, you old punk?
19:02Stanley!
19:03You piece of shit!
19:04Stanley!
19:04I'll kill you!
19:06Stanley!
19:06You're fucking big there!
19:08I'll kill you!
19:09I'll kill you!
19:10I'll kill you!
19:11Julio Gordio. Five games for Newcastle and five goals. Superb performance. Will he be celebrating later?
19:17Uh-huh.
19:18The night with the lads like Metacal.
19:22Right.
19:23The night with the lads like Metacal.
19:25Great good swelleth, di pi mest o anato corla dtho twinkles, nightclub des da danko dtho i tchwa herr atho danko' gen absolutely arseholed.
19:36So, you're fitting in well with your team mates then?
19:39Eh, mircw laktaroth nits ach o oh, got myself a BMW convert, ee ble lagara sun puerto, too o muerto si o dunt o dotto, tasteless mook George and house.
19:47ble gato patroliac kwan rhe hijinks to the hotel, with the lads bet o du o cadaro dhe chi thank that Danny Bear Lake.
19:55Julio, Julio, footballer, gentleman, stud, Barry.
20:06Then they don't ask the ola, ola, ola gagging for it.
20:10Barry.
20:14Then what did you do?
20:16I thought I'd bent her over like an A Marco Corcorro for Cato.
20:19I said, didn't move, Pat.
20:21I have to pay for that kind of thing, Julio.
20:23You get it for free.
20:25Notting Hill.
20:29My arse.
20:30Girl, it's a hill.
20:31It's like a southern girl's tit, flattest pancake.
20:35We've got much better hills than this where I come from.
20:37Up north, up north, where I come from, they're called pennies.
20:41And we don't have Julia Roberts.
20:43Up north, up north, we have Alph Roberts.
20:46Aye.
20:47You, Grant.
20:48My arse.
20:49Up north, we have huge tits.
20:51Yeah.
20:59I want Wembley, Wembley, Wembley, Wembley.
21:07Hey, Spurs, Mates, Heddy Spurs.
21:09Give us a ticket for the cup final.
21:10Go ahead, give us a ticket.
21:11Go ahead, Mates.
21:11We've come down the old way from Liverpool.
21:13Give us a ticket, Mates.
21:14We'll be your best mate, Mates.
21:15If you're having a hop in Liverpool, we'll let you shag our sister.
21:17Go ahead, Mates.
21:18Hey, just calm down a sec.
21:20Calm down.
21:21Calm down.
21:22Calm down.
21:23Calm down.
21:23Calm down.
21:24Calm down.
21:24Now, what cup final is this?
21:26The cup final?
21:27But there's no cup final today.
21:29You are.
21:29You are.
21:30You are.
21:30Look, it's the middle of August.
21:32The FA Cup final was three months ago.
21:34Oh, yeah.
21:35He's right, you know.
21:36So, if we're not down in that London for the cup final, what are we here for?
21:43Erm...
21:43I remember.
21:45We came down here to look for work.
21:47Oh, yeah.
21:48Hey, Mates.
21:48Give us a job, Mates.
21:49Give us a job, Mates.
21:51Yeah, sure.
21:52I've got a job for you, lads.
21:53Right, you can start by shifting all that stuff over there.
21:56You are.
21:56You are.
21:57You are.
21:57You are.
21:57You are.
21:58What?
21:58What?
21:58What?
21:59I thought you wanted casual labour.
22:00Yeah, we did, but we were thinking of something a bit more casual than that labour.
22:03You know, I like sitting on the wall drinking tea casual.
22:07Look, it's only a few bites.
22:09It's not going to take you more than...
22:13Mates, we're all skint.
22:14What are we going to do?
22:17Lach.
22:18Years.
22:26You're bright lights of Soho, please, Mates.
22:40Soho.
22:41The glamour capital of that London.
22:45Look.
22:48Right.
22:48Rinta.
22:49Rinta.
22:49Rinta.
22:50Rinta.
22:50Rinta.
22:50Rinta.
22:57Down to me, last tenner.
22:59Ten more pints, please, mate.
23:01Hands for me.
23:03Eh, I'll have a baby's, Jan.
23:10Hey, mate.
23:11I'm just being sick, look.
23:13Oh.
23:14What's the matter?
23:15Scouts, you're not good enough, boy.
23:17You're so dumb, please.
23:19All right, mate.
23:33Give us a beer, lad.
23:39You doing well out of town, are you?
23:41Er, yeah.
23:43I'm from Liverpool, me, mate.
23:46I'm a scouter.
23:49You're going to buy the nice lady a drink.
23:59Here's your bill.
24:06All right, lads.
24:07Give us a kicking.
24:11Hey, bah.
24:12This looks good.
24:19This is much more my theme.
24:28A good old working man's club.
24:32Hey, mate.
24:34Give us a beer, will you?
24:36Allow me.
24:37Oh, thanks very much, mate.
24:40Hey, it's dead friendly in here, isn't it?
24:42Oh, yes.
24:43We're all very friendly in here.
24:45All the other pubs are full of puffs.
24:48What a hard day of it, have you?
24:50Yeah.
24:51These Londoners, you only have to buy them one drink, and they're on their knees.
24:56Yes, well, we do our best.
24:57I mean, anything from someone.
24:59You know, you want them to come on strong, but instead, they just go all soft on you.
25:04Yeah, I know what you mean.
25:04I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I like a man to be hard.
25:10I find we're all terribly old-fashioned in here, too.
25:14Do you know what, mate?
25:16I think I'm in for a really good night tonight.
25:20Who do I?
25:26Club.
25:27Club.
25:27Club.
25:27Club.
25:28Club.
25:34I think I loved your last play.
25:45Frightfully gritty.
25:46You were?
25:47We were just discussing the human condition.
25:49Would you care to contribute?
25:51Shove it up your ass.
25:54Brilliant.
26:04Yes, gritty.
26:17Yes.
26:21What do you look like, yeah?
26:23Well, I went to one of those sex clubs, you know, and there were three Swedish birds there,
26:28right?
26:28From Holland, right?
26:30And as soon as you found out I was a scouter, I copped off with a lot of them, you know.
26:34We did a bit of that.
26:35M&S.
26:37Well, you saw it all over, you know.
26:39Oh, you did do that, did you?
26:40Yes, I did do that, though, didn't I?
26:41Yeah.
26:42Oh, yeah.
26:42Yeah.
26:42Oh, yeah.
26:43Yeah.
26:43Oh, yeah.
26:43Yeah.
26:44Hey, sir.
26:45Why aren't you telling us to calm down, calm down, Lee?
26:49Have you taken something you shouldn't have taken?
26:54I don't think he's very well, you know.
26:56Terry's unwell.
26:57We're all skint.
26:58And no job.
26:59And the footy season starts tomorrow.
27:01Liverpool versus Everton.
27:03At Anfield.
27:04Only one thing followed, then.
27:07The 11.30 coach to Liverpool will be leaving shortly.
27:11Will all Scousers kindly piss off back where they come from?
27:15Here I stay.
27:24Agandas.
27:25Up north, we have tits and arse.
27:27And it's into ice cream.
27:29It's lard.
27:30Sausage flavour.
27:33Mmm.
27:33Who are you?
27:55I'm talking to you.
27:55I'm talking to you who are you looking at.
27:56Well, calm down, Lee.
28:00Don't say that.
28:02Where's all these friggin' tarlicks, then, eh?
28:04Come on, I'll bleed next day a minute, yeah, when I get older.
28:08Where's all these tarlicks?
28:09Oh, well, that's all.
28:12Thanks very much for watching.
28:14Draw for now.
28:17Hey, Silla, do you want a shag?
28:21You know what oil painting like, but it's something to tell me mates, isn't it?
28:24No?
28:25No?
28:36No?
28:36No?
28:36No?
28:36Yeah?
28:37No?
28:38No?
28:41No?
Recommended
28:50
|
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