- hace 6 meses
Max and Agent 99 go on a dangerous mission to destroy a KAOS computer on an island. However, they are captured by a KAOS sub commanded by Siegfried.
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00:00Quiet, Magnum. One false move and we're dead agents.
00:19We're a little behind schedule, Max. The Chaos Patrol is due in exactly one minute and 45 seconds.
00:25Right. You check the explosives. I'll open the sealed orders.
00:27Right.
00:30Ninety-nine. I can't break the seal.
00:33Well, tear open the side of the envelope, Max. There's no wax there.
00:36Are you kidding? You can't do that, Ninety-nine. That's why they put wax on the seal, so that you'll break it open.
00:41Max, we're running out of time.
00:43You know something, Ninety-nine? If we ever get back from this mission alive, I'm going to put that in the control suggestion box. It's a great idea.
00:50What idea?
00:51It's about putting wax all around the ends of the envelope. That way you can tear it open anywhere and still break the seal.
00:57Give me your nail palm on it.
00:58Hold on, Max.
00:58Here.
01:04I know it's in here somewhere.
01:12Remax, only 40 seconds left.
01:18Ninety-nine, I've lost the nail file.
01:20Ow!
01:24Ah, that did it.
01:26You got it open.
01:26You know, I broke my fingernail.
01:28Now, I'll have to find the nail file.
01:30We can't, Max. There's no time. It's only 20 seconds left.
01:33How many packets of explosives do we have?
01:35Uh, two.
01:37Good. I'll use one of them to blow open the envelope.
01:41What is it?
01:43Sounds like a yellow-bellied sapsucker.
01:45on the other hand.
01:46On the other hand, it could be a giant, toothless cockatoo.
01:53Ah!
01:54Oh, my God.
02:24Oh, my God.
02:54All right, get up.
03:07That'll be all, Larrabee.
03:09Max, this was only a training exercise.
03:11Tomorrow, you're supposed to go on the real mission.
03:13I'm ready, Chief.
03:14You're ready?
03:14You just got killed.
03:16Well, I said I was ready.
03:17I didn't say I was perfect.
03:18Don't worry about opening those sealed orders, Max.
03:24It was just a training session.
03:26The mission will go ahead tonight as scheduled, sir.
03:28Right.
03:30Thank you for wishing us luck, sir.
03:32We'll need it.
03:34Max, never mind about the envelope.
03:36I'll fill you in personally.
03:39Tonight's mission depends on a split-second timetable.
03:42Well, it certainly is top secret, Chief.
03:43We don't even know what the objective is.
03:45Well, we wanted to avoid security leaks.
03:47A number of commercial cargo ships have been hijacked over the past six months.
03:52Chaos?
03:52Yes.
03:53They've been committing piracy on the high seas using submarines.
03:56Now, we've discovered their base on an island not far from our coastline.
04:00The key to the entire piracy operation is a master computer located here.
04:07It evaluates shipping data, cargos, tides, currents, and fixes the point of interception by the Chaos submarine.
04:12Then the computers are objective.
04:14Correct.
04:15Our submarine will take you to the island.
04:17You'll have to slip past the Chaos guards, work your way through a network of landmines there, get to the computer, and destroy it.
04:26I like that plan, Chief.
04:27It's inventive, imaginative, and brilliantly thought out.
04:30Max, it sounds like a suicide mission to me.
04:32Well, of course it's a suicide mission, 99.
04:34So what?
04:35Our next mission will be easier.
04:40After the mission, you'll have to signal our sub where and when to pick you up.
04:44There are powerful blinker lights built into those earrings.
04:47Very clever, Professor Carlson.
04:50Then, if we get caught, no one will suspect a thing.
04:56Maybe I should wear the earrings, Max.
04:58Oh?
04:59Oh, right, 99.
05:00They'll probably look better on you anyway.
05:03Professor Carlson has another signaling device for you.
05:06Now, this looks like an ordinary fountain pen.
05:09I see.
05:10And you just press this lever to activate it.
05:13Well, what am I supposed to do?
05:16Write the signal message on my shirt?
05:18No.
05:20You press this button, and the pen becomes a blinker light.
05:2499, you stay here with Professor Carlson and draw the special equipment.
05:27Max, you come with me for the rendezvous briefing.
05:29Hello, gentlemen.
05:33I'm sorry we're late.
05:34This is Maxwell Smart, Agent 86.
05:36Max, this is Admiral Nelson of the Submarine Command, Admiral Jones from Destroyer Command.
05:40Smart, gentlemen.
05:42Should we get right to the briefing?
05:43Right.
05:44Smart will be proceeding from the mainland at precisely 2,100 hours.
05:47The submarine will proceed southeast to this point.
05:5035 degrees latitude, 68 degrees longitude.
05:5336 degrees latitude, 67 degrees longitude.
05:5735 degrees latitude, 68 degrees longitude.
06:00You will rendezvous there with one of his destroyers.
06:04Two destroyers.
06:05Two?
06:05I thought we agreed on one.
06:06I felt two would be safer.
06:08All right.
06:08I'll just match that with another sub.
06:11That calls for four more destroyers, John.
06:14You're starting again, Horatio.
06:17I'll just call those four destroyers and raise you four submarines.
06:26You're bluffing.
06:28Horatio, if you have any guts, we'll make this a real rendezvous.
06:31No limit.
06:31You're on.
06:37Well, Chief, this looks like it's going to be a long session.
06:40I think we'd better send out for some sandwiches and coffee and more ships.
06:55Welcome aboard, Agent Smart.
06:56Why, thank you, Skipper.
06:58We'll be shoving off in a few minutes.
07:03Belay that.
07:05Sorry, the men aren't accustomed to having a pretty face on board.
07:08If they like me, wait till they get a load of 99.
07:11This way, Mr. Smart.
07:22My apologies for your quarters, Smart, but we're short on space.
07:26Agent 99 will be using my quarters, and I'll bunk with the executive officer.
07:29Right, Skipper.
07:31Want to check out the special equipment, Matt?
07:33No, I think I'll just rest for a while, 99.
07:35You go ahead and do the briefing.
07:36We have two Z-139 landmines.
07:41Two Z-139s.
07:43And we have five packets of E-18 plastic explosives.
07:47Five packets, gotcha.
07:48And one PX-7 long-range explosive launcher.
07:51Uh, listen, 99, why don't you rest for a while, and I'll do the briefing.
07:58Well, this is the spot, Mr. Smart.
08:05We're ready to put you ashore now.
08:11Max, this looks like a tough one.
08:14Chances are we're not going to come back alive.
08:16In case we don't, isn't there anything you'd like to say?
08:20Yes, 99, as long as I have to go on a suicide mission, I'm glad it's with you.
08:40Right on the nose, 99.
08:41Now, we've got two minutes to get past the guards, four minutes to work our way through the landmines, find the chaos computer, and blow it up.
08:54This may put us a little behind schedule.
08:58We're sunk, Max. We'll never complete the mission, no.
09:14Maybe not, 99. I've got a plan. Get ready to hit the dirt when I say now.
09:19Oh, pardon me, but isn't your hand grenade loose?
09:22No, it isn't. It's perfectly tight.
09:28They must have heard the explosion, Max.
09:31Yes. In a few minutes, there'll be chaos agents swarming all over this place.
09:35Come on, 99, let's get out of here.
09:40Quick, Max, only three minutes to find the computer and blow it up.
09:43Here, take this, 99. I'll get the guards.
09:49Hold it, 99.
09:50We can't go through those bushes.
09:52It's a minefield. Why, any one of these berries could blow us to smithereens?
09:55Even that log, Max?
09:57Not the log, 99, but our fine-feathered friend, the bird bomb.
10:03Can you deactivate it?
10:06Yes.
10:08All I have to do is pluck it.
10:13Quick, Max, we're behind schedule.
10:15We'll have to set up here and see if we can find the computer by map.
10:18Put it down there, 99.
10:19Right.
10:19Well, let's see.
10:3278 degrees longitude west, 35 degrees latitude east.
10:3899, this isn't gonna work.
10:40Why not, Max?
10:40This is a map of San Francisco.
10:43Max, you can see the computer right through there.
10:46Right.
10:47Perfect.
10:48It's about 300 yards range.
10:50Load her up, 99.
10:51Okay, Max.
10:52Fire!
10:55Direct hit, Max.
10:56Right on the computer building.
10:57Quick, light the fuse.
11:00Okay, Max, hurry.
11:00You got another match, 99?
11:05Why?
11:05I lit my shoelace.
11:10Good.
11:11Signal the sub.
11:15There's a submarine surfacing, Max.
11:18And there goes the computer.
11:20Come on, 99.
11:20Let's get out of here.
11:21Everything went perfectly from A to Z.
11:33Would you believe A to B?
11:36Welcome aboard.
11:38Weapons, please.
11:39Hands up.
11:40Siegfried.
11:4199, I have a feeling we're on the wrong submarine.
11:44We meet again.
11:45Max will shout.
11:47There goes my shoe phone again.
11:52I counted on that.
11:54Take her down to periscope depth.
11:56How did you pick us up?
11:57Simply.
11:58I read your blinker signal.
12:01Siegfried, don't you know it's not nice to read somebody else's blinker signal?
12:06As you go through the world of espionage smart, you will find that there are the good guys and the bad guys.
12:13I happen to be one of the bad guys.
12:15There's a U.S. destroyer out there that can blow this submarine right out of the water.
12:19No, it will not, Miss 99.
12:21We will pass through unharm.
12:23What makes you think so?
12:25Because I have informed your chief that you are in the hands of chaos.
12:29He would surely not give the order to sink the submarine or you would also be killed.
12:35He is too loyal.
12:37Don't be too sure about that, Siegfried.
12:39Our chief can be just as disloyal as anyone else.
12:42I do not believe that.
12:44And before we slip out of here, I am going to take my revenge on control for blowing up our computer.
12:52How?
12:53By torpedoing that unsuspecting destroyer up there.
12:59It's a sitting duck.
13:01You couldn't do that.
13:02Oh, yes, he could, 99.
13:04As you go through the world of espionage, you'll learn that some people are very likable and easy to get along with.
13:09And then there are other people who are...
13:10How does that go, Siegfried?
13:12I'm one of the bad guys!
13:13One of the bad guys.
13:14One of the bad guys.
13:15Where is the scope?
13:26Uh-huh.
13:29They destroy us moving out of range, but I can still get it.
13:33Max, we've got to do something
13:36Say, Siegfried
13:39This sure is a nice little submarine you got here
13:42Prepare torpedo
13:43Would you mind if I took a little peek?
13:47They don't peek here
13:48Come on, Siegfried
13:51If this were my submarine and you were my prisoner
13:53I'd let you take a peek
13:54Yeah, and while you are peeking
13:57My valuable time is wasting
13:59And by the time you get finished peeking
14:01And by the time I get back to the periscope
14:03The destroyer is out of range
14:05That trick is stupid
14:07That trick is dumb
14:09That trick is childish
14:11And
14:13The destroyer is out of range
14:18Time is growing short
14:26You have to make up your mind, Chief
14:29If we let that chaos submarine get away
14:32We may never get another crack at it
14:34If we sink it
14:35I lose two top agents
14:37And my two best friends
14:39It's a difficult decision
14:41What's it gonna be, Chief?
14:45Gentlemen, I've made up my mind
14:46Yes?
14:47I've decided to leave the decision to you
14:50Very well, Chief
14:51And I say sink the sub
14:53I say we don't
14:55That makes a tie
14:56You'll have to cast the deciding vote, Chief
14:57I cannot let friendship affect my judgment
15:01Sink the sub
15:03Up, periscope
15:05Nothing
15:13Nothing
15:15Nothing
15:17Nothing
15:19Six destroyers
15:21Nothing
15:22Six destroyers
15:26Headed right to our position
15:28You'd better surrender, Siegfried
15:29Never
15:30You mind if we do?
15:31Forget it, smart
15:32We are going to hide on the bottom
15:34Are engines ready?
15:39The target to dive
15:41Down telescope
15:42Dive
15:47Kroger!
16:07Kroger!
16:07Ja?
16:08What is our position?
16:11We are on the bottom
16:12Terrific
16:13Listen, Siegfried
16:15Quiet!
16:15I wish to see if they know our position
16:18I want complete silence
16:20Shhh!
16:22You don't shush here
16:23I shush here
16:25Shush!
16:35Those destroyers
16:36Have absolutely no idea
16:39Where we are
16:40Someone just took a great guess
16:45That was close
16:47We may have to make a run for it
16:49What's the matter, Siegfried?
16:51Afraid to die?
16:52Max
16:53We're going to die too
16:55Oh
16:55Well, in that case
16:57I have a suggestion
16:58What?
16:59Let's make a run for it
17:00No, I think not
17:01Look, Siegfried
17:09Your men look like they're about to panic
17:11Your men look like they're about to panic
17:11Never
17:12My men are terribly trained
17:14They will not panic
17:15Until I give the order to panic
17:18Prepare to panic
17:22Those death charges are getting closer, Siegfried
17:29It's just a matter of minutes until they hit us
17:31My men have been under attack before
17:34They will remain in this area for another five minutes
17:38Then I will execute a countermaneuver
17:41Listen to me, men
17:48Siegfried doesn't care if you stay down here and drown like rats
17:51Your only chance is to follow me and mutiny
17:53Mutiny?
17:54Don't be ridiculous
17:55They were not mutiny
17:56Cover them
17:57Men, think of your wives and children
18:01Don't come
18:04None of you are married
18:06Listen, are you going to gamble
18:09And take the one small chance you've got to get out of here alive
18:12Or are you going to surrender
18:13And be guaranteed
18:15Life imprisonment
18:16I hope you realize
18:20A mutiny might affect your pensions
18:23I'm prepared to offer you $5,000 each
18:27You fools
18:29We still have a chance to get out of this
18:32And in case you have forgotten
18:34Next week is the annual Chaos Dance
18:38$10,000
18:40I'm very smart
18:45My men just happen to be crazy about dancing
18:48They're zeroing in on you, Siegfried
18:56Sugar!
18:56What did he say, Max?
19:07He said to release the oil
19:09It's an old trick, 99
19:10When the oil gets to the surface
19:13They think the sub has been hit
19:14But let me tell you this, Siegfried
19:16The trick is stupid
19:18The trick is stuck
19:22The trick is childish
19:26The trick is childish
19:29And the trick is working
19:33Seriously, take this tube to the torpedo room
19:38You, smart
19:43Over here
19:45Load yourself into the torpedo tube
19:50Just what have you got in mind, Siegfried
19:53I think my little plan will amuse you
19:57Well, I certainly hope so
19:59Because up until now
20:00You haven't exactly been a barrel of laughs
20:02Perhaps when you fully understand
20:05I am going to fire the both of you
20:08From the torpedo tubes
20:10When the destroyers move in
20:12To recover your bodies
20:13I will fire the real torpedoes
20:16Get in!
20:18Wait a minute, Siegfried
20:19May I have one last request?
20:22Last request?
20:24It's just that Max was smart
20:26And I have been very dear friends
20:27For a long time
20:28And I'd like to
20:30Shake his hand goodbye
20:32What kind of a last request is this?
20:38What harm could it do?
20:40Go ahead
20:41Max, the mini TH!
20:42Mini TH?
20:43Yes, the miniature torpedo hammer
20:45There's a powerful explosive
20:46In the head of this hammer
20:47One tap on the nose of this torpedo
20:49And we'll all be blown to bits
20:50Your gun, Siegfried
20:52All right
20:54Now have your men drop their guns
20:55And bring the sub to the surface
20:56Do as it says
20:58I hope you've learned your lesson, Siegfried
21:00I sure have
21:02Oh, for the kleinste speed
21:05What did you say, Max?
21:08From now on
21:10No more last requests
21:13All right, Siegfried
21:17Move out
21:18Well, Siegfried
21:21You're going away to prison
21:22For a long, long time
21:24I have escaped from prisons before
21:26And I shall escape from prisons again
21:29And Max will capture you again
21:30Really?
21:32Miss 99?
21:33Yes, Siegfried
21:33As you go through the world of espionage
21:35You'll find out that there are some bad guys
21:38And some good guys
21:39And Maxwell Smart happens to be one of the good guys
21:42It's one bad guy to one good guy
21:45I promise you
21:46We shall meet again
21:47Schmalt
21:48All right, Siegfried
21:49Move out
21:50Max, tell me something
21:55Yes, what is it, 99?
21:57Well, if Siegfried hadn't surrendered
21:58Would you really have hit the torpedo with that hammer?
22:01Yes, but it wouldn't have done any good
22:03You see, I happen to have noticed with my eagle eye
22:06That the firing pin on this hammer was defective
22:08Really?
22:09Yes, no good at all
22:1099, do me a favor
22:15To do what, Max?
22:16Remind me to have my eagle eye jacket
22:18Hello, Chief
22:2999
22:30Max, am I glad to see you welcome home
22:32Thought we were gone forever, huh, Chief?
22:35Well, nonsense, Max
22:35I have all the confidence in the world in you
22:38Oh, really?
22:39Then perhaps you can explain
22:41Why a stranger's car is in my parking place
22:43And someone else's gym shoes are in my locker
22:46Only temporary, Max
22:48I knew you'd be gone for at least a week
22:50Are you sure, Chief?
22:51Of course, Max
22:52Yes?
22:54Agent 86 to see you, sir
22:56Uh, haven't you made some sort of mistake, Opsen?
22:59No, sir
23:00You reassigned that number last week
23:02I'm sorry, Max
23:05It's okay, Chief
23:06I'm expendable
23:07I'll make it up to you, Max
23:09A raise?
23:10No, we're over budget
23:11A vacation
23:13No, I can't spare you right now
23:14How about another suicide mission?
23:18Don't be a grouch
23:19I'm proud of the way you and 99 handled this assignment
23:22Thank you, Chief
23:23Well, at least Siegfried is behind bars where he belongs
23:26Oh, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you, Max
23:28Siegfried has escaped
23:30You're kidding
23:30No, as a matter of fact, I've just got this telegram for you
23:33Will not rest until I have killed you in cold blood
23:41Sincerely, Siegfried
23:43He really means that
23:45Well, I knew he was vicious and cruel and rotten
23:47But this time he's gone too far
23:49What do you mean?
23:50Well, this telegram was sent collect
23:52What?
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