- today
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I
00:30Who are you?
00:56What?
00:58Gentlemen, I hope.
01:00A thief, certainly.
01:01A thief?
01:02Well, there you are.
01:03Also a drool and a booby.
01:05No one steals from the Consist of Ash Monsieur unless he wants to spend the next ten years looking for his scrotum.
01:10Oh.
01:11I steal any kisses.
01:13I'm a plunderer of passion, my dear.
01:16A cut burst of copulation.
01:19Oh, are you?
01:20Oh.
01:22My lust is inexhaustible.
01:24Is it? Is it?
01:26Oh.
01:27You will not deny me.
01:28Oh.
01:29I don't think I will.
01:30Oh, what's that?
01:31Oh.
01:32Oh.
01:33Oh.
01:34Oh, now I've been getting further than cooked.
01:36You have a lot to learn.
01:38Oh.
01:39Will you teach me?
01:40Yes.
01:41Oh, teach me.
01:42Yes.
01:43Teach me everything you know.
01:44Oh.
01:45Oh, yes.
01:46Oh.
01:47Oh.
01:48Oh.
01:49Oh, ravage me.
01:50Oh.
01:51Morning.
01:52Morning.
01:53I hear the Marquis de Sade has escaped from prison again.
01:56Oh.
01:57Mistress.
01:58Oh.
01:59Mistress.
02:00Oh.
02:01Mistress.
02:02Oh.
02:03Mistress.
02:08Inquiable.
02:09That's the only word for it.
02:12Inquiable.
02:13That is a word, isn't it?
02:16Yes, that's one of them.
02:18You realise I was sleeping in the next room?
02:20I mean, that could have been me grossly debauched with a pig's bladder pulled down over my head.
02:26Mind you, I have done that at parties.
02:29I assume Madame is going ahead with her appointments for the day?
02:33Going ahead?
02:35Any idea what I have been through, Monsieur?
02:38I have been subjected to things that even she hasn't done.
02:42Oh, the apple!
02:43The apple!
02:44The apple!
02:45The apple!
02:46No, mistress, I have removed the apple already.
02:48Oh.
02:49I just thank God it wasn't Friday, otherwise that would have been a melon by your bed.
02:52Croissant, croissant.
02:53All right.
02:54Might I remind Madame about the portrait?
02:57Portrait?
02:58Madame has an appointment to sit for possibly the greatest living artist in the world.
03:03Oh, well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm in no condition to sit for anything at the moment.
03:07No, that's right.
03:08Oh!
03:09Can't we leave in a week or two?
03:10Madame Vigée Le Brun is a very in-demand artiste.
03:14Oh, oh.
03:15She's departing in six days to paint general faux pas in America.
03:19Oh, oh.
03:20Well, I'm afraid the general will have to wait.
03:21He can't wait.
03:22He's dead.
03:23And as soon as they've found all the bits, the king wishes him immortalised.
03:27Oh, I trust this Madame Widgeridoo-Dah.
03:29Vigée Le Brun.
03:30Oh, Widgeridoo-Dah.
03:31I trust she's highly fashionable.
03:34The height of fashion.
03:35I don't pose for anybody, you know.
03:37She's not an anybody.
03:38I believe that Duchess de Dunkerque was so pleased with her portrait, she hung it in the loo.
03:44No, no, no.
03:45Louvre.
03:46I'm sorry.
03:47Louvre.
03:48Where it is hoped one day there might be a very famous art gallery.
03:52I won't pose for someone who's normally accustomed to whitewashing a vestibule.
03:56I've done that.
03:57Look at her.
03:58That's horrible.
03:59Those aren't my feet.
04:01The woman is a phenomenon.
04:03Never has there been a more glittering, talked about, incandescent personality.
04:09There's my ketchup paint.
04:10Is that relevant?
04:12Well, I hear she did a stunning job with the Baroness de Boulogne's schnauzer.
04:20She didn't pose with her schnauzer.
04:23She didn't show her schnauzer.
04:28We have to see that, Lisette.
04:31We have to see her schnauzer.
04:37It's not quite what you're thinking, madame.
04:40It's actually a dog.
04:43That's horrible.
04:45No, no, no.
04:46That is her artistic style, madame.
04:49Sentimental.
04:50Yeah, she likes doing portraits, you know, where people are weeping over their dead pets,
04:54kind of thing.
04:55You know, like, my poor beloved hamster is gone.
04:59My rabbit shall rut no more.
05:01Oh, my God, my guppy's dead.
05:04You know, that sort of thing.
05:06Yeah, I see, yes.
05:07I think this might be a good opportunity to show madame's softer, feminine, more romantic side.
05:15No, that'd be good, yes.
05:17My softer, romantic or feminine side.
05:19Just go and kill some animals, is it?
05:23Ow!
05:24Ow!
05:25Is this a dress or a contraceptive, monsieur?
05:27If I'd been allowed to take measurements.
05:29Oh, you're a couturier.
05:31You should be able to use your eye.
05:33Fortunately, I didn't have an eye wide enough.
05:36That's her!
05:37That's her!
05:38A ladle!
05:39Ladle?
05:40If I have to get my voice even halfway in, I will require a ladle!
05:45I trust madame had a good journey.
05:50Short, dear.
05:51I came from next door, doing a poodle in oils.
05:55Would the little bugger stay still, would it?
05:57Bollocks!
06:01Had to murder it.
06:04Still, she's got the picture to remind her.
06:07But, like I said, she can stroke that with no fear of getting the mange.
06:12Oh, I know.
06:13You wouldn't believe the amount of mange we have to put up with these days.
06:17It's this period in history, dear.
06:20You know the only way to cure a poodle of the mange?
06:23Boil it for six hours.
06:26Comes up like new.
06:28Probably calms it down quite considerably, I should think.
06:30No, certainly.
06:41Cheers.
06:43What?
06:46What?
06:47What?
06:49That's an interesting face you've got there, dear, isn't it?
06:52Oh!
06:53Ever been down in pastels?
06:54No, I haven't travelled much at all, actually.
06:56Now, I don't want you to treat me with too much respect because I am also from the gutter.
07:06Oh.
07:07Father was a prostitute, mother ran off before I was born.
07:10I've eaten horse droppings, dear, and you don't forget that in a week.
07:16The thing to do is to marry, well, which I did.
07:20Lovely man.
07:21Not huge in the dick department, but very well in the Ireland bank.
07:24So, shall we slap some carmine on the canvas?
07:29Right, well, I'll just ascertain if madame is ready.
07:33Well?
07:34A triumph.
07:35Never has there been such a colossus of beauty.
07:38You can't see me, can you?
07:39Yes, yes.
07:40Bits.
07:41Mistress?
07:42Oh, of course.
07:43Ah!
07:44Who put you up to that?
07:46Mistress?
07:47That really is just so...
07:48It's...
07:49Well, it's a dress.
07:50If mistress is ready, I'd like to introduce you to Madame Vigée La Breche.
08:07Excellent.
08:09Oh, ow.
08:11Oh, OK.
08:12You're just shuffling in.
08:14Could you get me some wine, dear?
08:16Nothing expensive.
08:17Because in my family, the nearest we got to a good claret was humping a vintner.
08:22Who I might add was not noted for his bouquet.
08:25Ah!
08:26I've heard very good reports of you, Madame.
08:31Lovely.
08:32Hell.
08:35I trust you have everything you need.
08:40Shall I bring the bottle?
08:41Bring the barrel.
08:42Dear Madame.
08:44Is it for you?
08:47May I make a suggestion?
08:49I believe I am something of a trendsetter.
08:52Yes?
08:54Lose the wig.
08:56Because, you see, we don't need it.
09:00What?
09:02I think we do.
09:04Now, trust me on, there's long, flowing, natural locks.
09:07That's all the rage now.
09:09Can we try it?
09:10I don't know.
09:12I don't know.
09:13Maybe.
09:14Oh, come on.
09:15It's a fire.
09:16Very well.
09:17Well, very not.
09:18It's a fire.
09:19It's a fire.
09:20It's a fire.
09:21It's a fire.
09:22It's a fire.
09:23It's a fire.
09:24It's a fire.
09:26Oh, dear.
09:27Have we had the pox?
09:29No.
09:30Just the mange.
09:32If I may say so, madame, I think a wig brings something to a woman.
09:36Well, it certainly brings hair.
09:39On second thoughts, I think we can live with the wig.
09:43Because, frankly, I don't have a one-wistle paintbrush.
09:48However, the dress will have to go.
09:50This is some outrage.
09:53This garment, madame.
09:56Is that what it was that you said?
09:57Oh, a reflection of my personality.
10:00Are we having treatments?
10:03Well, are you telling me this is not the very zenith of fashion?
10:06Not in France, no.
10:10Although I do know a couple of transvestites who'd give anything.
10:15What we're looking for now is simplicity.
10:19Like this.
10:21Basic.
10:22Comfortable.
10:23Not got her tits rammed in like a couple of press ducks.
10:27Do I have anything like that?
10:32Ooh-ha!
10:34Simple.
10:35Simple.
10:36Simple.
10:37Un-ostentatious.
10:38Un-ostentatious, monsieur.
10:40And what is your response to this revolution in haute couture?
10:45Hanging gardens of Babylon!
10:46Thank you, let's have the hanging gardens of Babylon!
10:49I was simply following madame's instructions.
10:51Start with the Taj Mahal and work up.
10:54And with the prices you've charged, monsieur, I could have bought the real thing.
10:57Believe me, dear, you'd have had trouble getting into that too.
11:02I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
11:05Yet another triumph for Maison Buffon.
11:07Oh, you didn't even look so smug! I paid for that dress!
11:13Believe me, somewhere in Versailles there's a horse still looking for his nose bag.
11:18It certainly had my oats in it.
11:21What I require, monsieur, is something understated, something elegant, something diaphanous, something you can see me through.
11:30By the time madame virgin lubricant returns tomorrow, I demand to be the very epitominy of style!
11:43Morning!
11:48Oh.
11:52He's been back again, hasn't he?
11:55Am I right?
11:56You've got to hand it to him, though. He's very creative with his fruit.
12:01What?
12:03Here. Here. Here.
12:05What? What?
12:07Other banana! Other banana!
12:17I don't want him found.
12:19I want him dragged back here.
12:22And I want disgusting, diabolical, painful things done to him!
12:27I think he'd quite enjoy that.
12:29I should think he'd pay for it.
12:32Where have I no protection?
12:34I am certain, mistress, he'll soon be back behind bars, where he will fester and rot and moulder and die!
12:39But just in case, I've put a big spiky trench in under your pillow.
12:44Oh, yes. Well, from now on, you're sleeping in my bedroom.
12:47As my mistress wishes.
12:49A wise precaution, madame. Safety in numbers.
12:51Oh, no, I won't be there.
12:53What?
12:55Well, if there's any trouble, I'll be just the other side of the Alps.
12:57What?
12:58He's quite safe, don't have to worry about it. He doesn't actually kill people, does he?
13:01At the last count, I believe it was a hundred and thirty-two.
13:05What?
13:07Well, well, well, that's over ten years. That's...
13:10Thirteen.
13:11Thirteen a year. What's thirteen, is it?
13:14Unlucky for some.
13:16I'm sure you have nothing whatever to fear.
13:19Flee! Flee for your life!
13:22Oh, the great defiler of women has struck again!
13:24We shall almost assuredly be debauched in our nighties.
13:27And quite possibly defecated on it.
13:31Does he do that, dear?
13:32I thought he did, dear.
13:34No, that's the Duke of Dordogne, dear.
13:36Well, they both deserve a good smash-pot on dear.
13:40Flee!
13:41Run!
13:42Yes, run!
13:43Run and flee!
13:45Run!
13:47Run!
13:49Flee!
13:51Flee!
13:52Flee!
13:53I must...
13:54What?
13:55Oh!
13:56I must only take the bare minimum.
13:57Just...
13:58Fifteen or sixteen dresses.
14:00Fifteen or sixteen...
14:01Fifteen!
14:02Fifteen!
14:03Fifty dresses!
14:12Get a carriage from me and ten for the jury!
14:16Would madame permit me a teeny question?
14:18Oh, yes.
14:19Well, I can't help noticing that everybody is, as they say in common parlance, which I think is the right expression for people who speak normal, doing a runner.
14:28Which is understandable, isn't it? Because no-one wants to be attacked in the night by an evil and vicious pervert.
14:34No offence.
14:36Well, not everyone is leaving.
14:38No.
14:39That's right, isn't it?
14:40Because there's me, isn't there?
14:41I'm staying.
14:43You are, yes.
14:44Well, I'm sure madame can guess my question, then.
14:48I am not in the habit of explaining my actions, Lisette.
14:51You're staying because I've said you're staying.
14:54Unless, of course, you would prefer to leave my employ and return to your previous profession.
14:58Professional.
15:07Have you had a good time, sir?
15:08I'm a busty 16-year-old.
15:10Very good French.
15:11Greek's extra, obviously.
15:14Why don't I interest you in some fun, sir?
15:17Come on, quickly, quickly.
15:18Oh, oh, get off!
15:19No!
15:20Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
15:21Don't give them anything.
15:22They're all professionals.
15:23Like a good time, sir.
15:27Or a bad time.
15:28I do both.
15:33Like to visit my special love grotto, sir.
15:35Oh, yes!
15:42This head, you look very pretty.
15:46I've come to offer you one last final chance, this head.
15:49Come back now and we shall say no more about it.
15:52Chinese princess, dear.
15:54I'm educated in all the many mystical oriental arts of pleasure.
16:00Perhaps you don't realise what I am going through.
16:03I am the victim of constant and vicious sexual harassment.
16:06So?
16:08Well, you quite like that kind of thing, don't you?
16:11Does madame take me for a drool and a booby?
16:14Oh, yes, a bit, obviously.
16:16I may not have been educated at university, madame,
16:18but I am no-one's gobsmoosh or rantipole.
16:21Now move along, you stinking wretch, and get your own patch.
16:24Half-price tart available!
16:26Bargain tickets!
16:27Hooray!
16:28I'm not trained.
16:29Can I ring your bell, sir?
16:30Oh, move off, move off.
16:32Whoever wrong tree was barked up, dear, he's it.
16:37All right, I want you to go over and explain to that ignorant baggage
16:40why it is imperative that she return.
16:43I'm not sure that being murdered is sufficient incentive.
16:47The incentive, monsieur, is that she's saving my life.
16:50The Marquis de Sade is obviously obsessed with my extraordinarily glacial beauty
16:54and won't desist until I am ravaged to extinction.
16:57Or...
16:58Someone he thinks is madame.
17:00Yes, her.
17:02Surely there must be some alternative.
17:09Move in it, monsieur, move, move.
17:12Walk up and down, feel the dress.
17:15Oh, I must retire.
17:16Come on, sing.
17:18Do something.
17:19I thought you people were supposed to be good at this.
17:21Some of us.
17:22Others would rather be seen molesting a partridge.
17:25Yes, and have been.
17:27Though it's hopeless, you're nothing but a grotesque parody of a woman, sir.
17:31No, take it off.
17:32I shall go back to Lisette and use every ounce of my charm.
17:37God bless you, sir.
17:40Come again.
17:42If you can manage it.
17:46Hello.
17:47And I'm Artista.
17:49Do you remember me?
17:50Simple and ostentatious.
17:52Hello.
17:54What brings you to these dark, dirty, dangerous back streets?
17:57There's a thing, my dear.
17:58My parents.
17:59Oh.
18:00Of course, I did think of introducing them to my new and luxurious lifestyle.
18:04But then I thought, why?
18:05They're happy.
18:07I should be so lucky only to have a collapsed lung and rickets to worry about.
18:11Yeah.
18:12They're amongst their own kind here, aren't they?
18:13That's right.
18:14Also, it gives me somewhere to go when the mucky decide escapes.
18:19Yeah.
18:20Well, there's nothing for him here, is there?
18:22Only syphilis, dear.
18:24And he's got that already.
18:26What in effect?
18:27He's back behind bars.
18:29Oh.
18:30Is he?
18:31I didn't know that.
18:32They're keeping it very harsh, harsh, because he didn't officially escape.
18:37The besty walls, you see, are supposed to be impregnable.
18:41And he keeps impregnating them.
18:44Oh.
18:46Is there no end to his depravities?
18:50So, hang on.
18:51No-one knows he's back behind bars?
18:54Shh.
18:56Au revoir.
18:57Au revoir.
19:00No, sorry, love.
19:01Closed.
19:04Oh, my food, my food.
19:07You see, everyone has their weaknesses, monsieur, and I think I know hers.
19:11A fancy supper somewhere and what I've got in my purse should persuade her.
19:15So, where's the nearest clean and respectable eating house?
19:18It's garçon, garçon.
19:21Parasite.
19:23Yeah.
19:24Parasite!
19:26It's customary around aristocrats.
19:28Oh, right, right.
19:30Pleasant.
19:32Do you know, it brings back fond memories of when you worked for me, Lisette.
19:37It is of that I wish to speak, Lisette.
19:40D'accord.
19:41Naturalement.
19:42Je vous écoute.
19:45No, no, no, listen, listen.
19:48What I want to say is, I want you to return.
19:50Certainly, yes.
19:51I mean, I'm cognisant of the dangers, but I'm prepared to pay...
19:54I beg your pardon.
19:56Return?
19:57Yes.
19:58Happily.
19:59And probably quite surprisingly for you, I should think.
20:02That you're agreeing to come back to work for me?
20:04Yes.
20:05You're going to come back to work for me and that's agreed.
20:07You're going to agree to come back to work for me or you're coming back.
20:09Yes.
20:10Oh, yes.
20:11It's a lot.
20:12Well, no need to hang around here.
20:13Much as I'd like to stay for the birth, my carriage is blocking a cul-de-sac.
20:20Well, we can't have that, can we?
20:22No, no, no, no, no.
20:23You don't want to be towed away, do you?
20:24Absolutely not.
20:25Come on, let's go.
20:26Certainly.
20:27Just as soon as Madame has signed this contract.
20:31Oh, this is it.
20:32This contract.
20:33Mm.
20:34Which you have signed, Madame.
20:35Yeah.
20:36But here it says, I must not sing.
20:37Yeah, that's right, yeah.
20:38I thought you liked my singing.
20:39Well, there is one song.
20:40Oh, yes, I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it.
20:42Oh, silly sheep, oh, silly sheep, for you I'm not sure.
20:47But I, that's the one, yeah.
21:16Sing that one more time, and I am now legally entitled to nail your tongue to the wardrobe.
21:23Oh, hi.
21:25What about this bit here, on page two of paragraph five?
21:29Mm.
21:30Remind me of that one.
21:31It says, Madame must learn to pee pee in the pot provided, and not on the living room floor.
21:40Yes, and never again in company, thank you.
21:43Oh, how do you listen to that?
21:45Hm?
21:46I mean, sometimes, what, what if the pot's in another womb?
21:49I mean, it can take me six months in these dresses to get through here.
21:52Well, then Madame must learn to hold on to it, just like everybody else.
21:55Oh, I can't, I can't, I'm just not born to that.
21:58I can't have...
22:00What?
22:02Oh, no, you're doing it again!
22:07Oh, God.
22:10I can't, I just can't, I couldn't help it.
22:14Well, you owe me ten leave for that, and you're gonna mop that up yourself.
22:17Oh, God.
22:18I hope you've noticed the most important clause in there.
22:20What's that?
22:21Page seven.
22:22Page seven, yeah?
22:23Have a look.
22:27Madame must learn to open doors.
22:29Yeah, that's the one, yes.
22:31No, I can't, I can't.
22:32Of course you can, go on, give it a try.
22:34No, I can't, I refuse to make any effort on that one, madam.
22:36I refuse.
22:37All right, then, I completely understand.
22:39I'm off now, then.
22:40All right, I'll try, I'll try.
22:42I'll try.
22:43Give me a moment.
22:47It's a door, lovely door.
22:50Oh, that's interesting, isn't there?
22:52It goes down.
22:54Oh, that's interesting.
22:55Now, this area is where you need to concentrate here.
23:01Come on.
23:02Put your hand on there, on the handle.
23:05Turn and pull.
23:06I've got no strength, I've got no strength.
23:09On, turn, pull.
23:10I can't do it.
23:11Oh, just do it, just do it.
23:12I can't do it.
23:13Do it!
23:16You see, now you've got your wig in the weave.
23:21That's more like it, isn't it?
23:24Yes, yes, yes.
23:25Natural and relaxed.
23:28I almost feel we could have a breast hanging out if it takes your fancy.
23:31No.
23:33That's fine.
23:34I only ask because it can focus attention away from an uninteresting face.
23:39Right.
23:40Actually, madame, I would like to be seen as a sensitive, very human woman.
23:45Human?
23:46Yes.
23:47We can try.
23:48Oh.
23:51Madame, madame.
23:53I thought perhaps weeping over a dead canary.
23:57Do we have a dead canary?
23:59Yes, we do.
24:00Excellent.
24:01And I thought I would stand about here looking up at madame with something just short of admiration.
24:10Am I doing both?
24:11I didn't realise.
24:12No, I didn't realise.
24:13Oh, yes.
24:14Page four.
24:15Clause two.
24:16It's quite specific.
24:18No, she's right, she's right.
24:20Do you like a breast out, dear?
24:21Oh, yes.
24:22Absolutely.
24:23I'll do both if you like.
24:24Now, that's interesting, isn't it?
24:25I know.
24:26I thought it would make quite a good contrast with the canary.
24:27What do you think?
24:28Ouch.
24:29Oh, God.
24:30Mmm.
24:31Mmm.
24:32Uh-oh.
24:33Uh-oh.
24:34Oh.
24:35Mmm.
24:36Mmm.
24:37Mmm.
24:38Mmm.
24:39Mmm.
24:40Mmm.
24:42Mmm.
24:43Mmm.
24:44Mmm.
24:45Mmm.
24:46Mmm.
24:47Mmm.
24:48Mmm.
24:49Mmm.
24:51Mmm.
24:53Mmm.
24:55That's a good one.
24:56Look over there.
24:57Page 4, Clause 2, Subsection 3.
25:13I'm hungry, that's all. I'm hungry.
25:16It's getting rather dark out there.
25:18You'll be all right, will you?
25:20Sleeping here all alone and unprotected in this weather.
25:24Eerie, rather easily broken into, bedroom.
25:30Page 1, it's page 1 of the contract.
25:32Yes, I know.
25:33I'm sure I shall be most confortable.
25:37Bit of a storm brewing out there.
25:40But you don't mind that, you know, huge thunder and lightning and things.
25:44No, no.
25:46It'll be all right.
25:47Well, sleep well. You've got your pineapple.
25:51I'm sure I shall enjoy that.
25:53Yeah.
25:53Go far, go far.
25:55All right, then. Night-night.
25:59Choo.
26:00Choo.
26:03I confess myself a tad confused, madame.
26:07Oh?
26:07Surely the Marquis de Sade was apprehended early this morning.
26:11Yes, he was.
26:13Bit of a hunchback, apparently.
26:15Yes, long, straggly beard, teeth falling out all over the place.
26:19Ah!
26:19It won't be long, dear.
26:23Will you be going out again tonight?
26:25Just for a while, dear.
26:34Oh, sleep well, dear.
26:36This way, madame, this way, madame, here.
26:40Sit up here.
26:42Now, the best problem.
26:44In, not out, dear.
26:46What do we think?
26:48Now, where is that contract?
26:51What do you think, Lisette?
26:52The pineapple or the contract?
26:54Oh, the contract, I think.
26:57Oh, I think you're out.
27:03I don't need to go.
27:09Oh!
27:11Oh!
27:13Oh!
27:13Oh!
27:14Oh!
27:15Oh!
27:15Oh!
27:16Oh!
27:16Oh, oh!
27:17Oh, I wish.
27:17Oh!
27:18Oh!
27:19Oh!
27:19Oh!
27:22Oh!
27:24Oh!
27:24Oh!
27:25Oh!
27:26You
Recommended
29:16
|
Up next
24:43
29:11
24:54
23:28
29:44
29:00
1:04:05
1:06:12
50:02