Dave & Chuck the Freak were talking about CEI videos when Lisa changed the subject to tell a story about her family member inquiring about the show's "What's Up Your Butt?" segment.
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00:00Have you tried this new Glow Motion flavor from 5-Hour Energy?
00:02Oh yeah, I had mine this morning. Now we wait.
00:05For what?
00:05My superpowers.
00:07Dude, it glows under UV light. It's not radioactive.
00:11I was hoping it would make me a little bigger, if you know what I mean.
00:14Jesus.
00:20Another email came in. Long, long, long time listener, he says.
00:24First time reaching out, though.
00:25I used to live in the area, but I moved out west, so I'm a little bit behind on the show.
00:30Anyway, I heard a segment you guys did on JOI porn last week.
00:35And it made me think of another style of video that's out there.
00:40CEI porn.
00:43He says, I believe JOI is the gateway porn to CEI, and that'll be the next big trend.
00:49So JOI is jerk-off instruction.
00:51Do you guys know what CEI porn is?
00:55No, I know what CEI 5 is.
00:57But if it's a gateway, then I probably shouldn't watch it.
01:00Yeah, I was going to say, just close your eyes, plug your ears, and hope I don't send it to you all day long.
01:06Oh my God, oh my God.
01:08So I guess I need to know, what is CEI?
01:11Rum eating.
01:12Oh, never mind.
01:14No.
01:15I'm going to be damned.
01:15Instructions.
01:17Come on.
01:18Rum eating instructions, and not rum.
01:20You know what I mean?
01:21So this is for certain guys that are cucky.
01:24No, what do you mean?
01:25Are cucky.
01:25Dave, I thought you meant rum.
01:28Yeah.
01:29There are people right now listening to this, like, what do you mean eat rum?
01:33You more drink it.
01:34Yeah, I drink rum.
01:36I don't eat it.
01:36I mix it in my Coke.
01:38Put in cake.
01:39You can.
01:40Yeah, you can.
01:41You can.
01:41Yeah, there's another kind of cake.
01:43Don't eat the other guy the cake.
01:45Whoa.
01:46Whoa.
01:47Hey, don't knock it.
01:48I'll be knocking it.
01:49Don't knock it.
01:50Yeah, so that is, we can't.
01:53That just took us to videos.
01:55Eeks.
01:57That is not something I've ever heard of.
01:59So.
02:00People tell you how to do it.
02:03Yeah, I mean, it's just, you know, it has to, I think that has to be your thing.
02:06Now, I think it was a gateway for you.
02:10It was a gateway for you.
02:13You like it.
02:14You like that idea.
02:15I bet it's the same thing.
02:17But, like, instead of the, like, after the countdown.
02:20Yeah.
02:20I was like, now.
02:21They say, now.
02:21Now, consume.
02:23Now, consume it.
02:24Have a taste of white oats.
02:25Yeah.
02:26That, to me, that is not going to be the gateway.
02:28Because that, to me, is a very niche audience.
02:31Well, to me.
02:32People that are into that.
02:33I feel like it's, what he discovered about himself is that he likes to be told what to do,
02:39like a good boy.
02:41This guy who sent the email.
02:42Yeah, he likes to be told what to do.
02:44And he takes it to the extreme.
02:48He will listen to whatever mommy says.
02:50Most men consider that radioactive.
02:54Yeah, I mean, it's not radioactive to me.
02:56It's like, hey, you know, look at that.
02:59But it's not.
03:00I just don't know how.
03:01You either have that in you, you know.
03:05I'm going to change the subject.
03:06What do you want to talk about?
03:07You don't want to talk about rum eating anymore?
03:09So I saw my aunt yesterday.
03:11She worked at a hospital.
03:12And she said that they all had a story about, she wanted to know if we still did the Up Your
03:17Butt, What's Up Your Butt segment.
03:19Because she had a story for it.
03:20Of course, yeah.
03:20And it was like a candlestick.
03:22And everybody was dying.
03:23And I'm like, oh, I've heard it all.
03:25Oh, yeah.
03:26But she wanted to know.
03:27She was like, do you still do that?
03:28Now, it's time to play What's Up His Butt.
03:35This is the conversations we have.
03:38Lisa's Ant Edition.
03:40Lisa.
03:42Lisa, hi.
03:44Hello.
03:45It's been a while, hasn't it?
03:47It has been a while.
03:48Oh, I know.
03:50You know what I was thinking.
03:52Everybody seems to have a story.
03:55Well, I've got one.
03:56And I'm wondering if you guys still do the What Is Up Your Butt Talks segments where people
04:06would call and they would say what was inside of them or who found what.
04:12You're not going to believe this one.
04:16It involves a candlestick.
04:20Can you believe it?
04:22Like the stories from high school.
04:24Oh, a candlestick, Lisa.
04:28Oh, my goodness.
04:30We haven't done it in a minute, right?
04:32Well, no, we honestly, we haven't.
04:35We have.
04:35It's been a while.
04:36It has been a while.
04:37I told her.
04:37That's what I told her.
04:38I said, well, it's been a while.
04:39You know why, though?
04:40I feel like the more we do it, the further we push the goalposts.
04:46You know, like I was not fazed by a candlestick.
04:49A candlestick is nothing.
04:51I was like, shit.
04:52Like if a news story came out and like a candlestick was found on someone, Dave might just throw
04:56that aside.
04:58Everyone has a candlestick up their ass.
04:59Who doesn't?
05:00Chuck has it right now.
05:01Chuck is sitting with a candlestick up his ass now.
05:03God, throw that away.
05:04Well, we were in a real serious moment.
05:06Of course.
05:07She had to bust this out.
05:08Lisa, Lisa.
05:09Then the people could hear her.
05:11I'm like, hear her out in public.
05:12Olsen, thank you.
05:13Now that grace is over.
05:16Now that grace is over and while at the table, I want to ask Lisa about what's up his butt.
05:23Lisa, Lisa.
05:26Candlestick.
05:27Can you believe it?
05:28Oh, my God.
05:29How big?
05:32Wow.
05:32So, there's that.
05:34People talk to us about the strangest things.
05:36Don't they?
05:36It's odd.
05:38You wouldn't talk about that with anyone else.
05:39No.
05:39You really wouldn't if we didn't do this show.
05:42No.
05:44The people that heard that must think, what does she do for a living?
05:47Oh, yeah.
05:47Like, that's the thing.
05:49That's wild.
05:49What?
05:50They're like, oh, my God.
05:52What is that filthy lady up to?
05:53That woman over there has something to do with people telling stories about what's in
05:57their butts.
05:58Anal penetration.
05:59Yeah.
05:59She must be part of some kind of anal support group.
06:05Anal support group?
06:06Yeah.
06:07You know?
06:07Asinine.
06:08No anal story is too weird.
06:12How did you?
06:13Sorry.
06:14Where did she hear about the candle up the ass?
06:16She worked at a hospital.
06:18Oh, okay.
06:18Through the hospital friends.
06:19Sure.
06:20Yeah.
06:20People talked about it.
06:22Yeah.
06:22She's like, you wouldn't believe what's up there.
06:25You're like, no, no.
06:26I'm like, I've heard it all.
06:28If you were working at a hospital now, you'd hear a lot more than candlestick.
06:32Oh, man.
06:33Yeah.
06:33Exactly.
06:34That's just it.
06:35You could have listed off.
06:37Well, here are all the things that I know about.
06:39And she would have been like, oh, God.
06:41Stop.
06:42Stop telling me about it, Lisa.
06:45Are you okay?
06:46Are you okay?
06:49You're not fine.
06:50Get Lisa.
06:51Help.
06:51Get out of there.
06:52No, I'm good.
06:55Oh, wow.
06:57No, we have become way more anal adventurous.
07:01And that's it.
07:01I think it becomes harder and harder to decide.
07:04Oh, okay.
07:05Let's hear another round of like 25 of these, you know, anal stories.
07:10Because everybody has kind of, everyone's got a candlestick.
07:14Everyone's got a.
07:15I used to be unique.
07:16Yeah.
07:16I sat on a shampoo bottle.
07:19I hold off on it.
07:20But if it's not, if it's the same old, same old up in that.
07:22Exactly.
07:23Been there, done that.
07:24Yeah.
07:24Now it's got to be like a full case of, you know, Mexican Coke bottles.
07:30What is the craziest thing that we've heard?
07:32That was, I couldn't.
07:33I block all of it.
07:34There was something huge recently.
07:36There was something gigantic.
07:38I block it all out.
07:39You guys will remember.
07:40Me too.
07:40I don't remember.
07:41I just know we went so far that we had to do it live.
07:44What's up is about live?
07:45Oh, yeah.
07:46We went so far through the stories that it was like,
07:48if you have something now.
07:50Oh, yeah.
07:50What's up your butt live?
07:51Yeah.
07:52What's up your butt live?
07:53Oh, that's right.
07:54That's right.
07:54What is currently up your butt?
07:56Oh, we've done it all, huh?
07:57Oh, my God.
07:58I love the idea now of finding a bunch of old ants,
08:03getting them in a room,
08:04and then presenting them with all of the things
08:07that were in people's butts
08:08and just watching their reactions.
08:10Blow their minds.
08:10Just blow their minds.
08:12What?
08:12My sweet Auntie Anne couldn't believe people trimmed their show.
08:16Oh, right.
08:16That's right.
08:17Shoved stuff up their rears.
08:19Exactly.
08:20She wouldn't know where to go with that.
08:23No.
08:24I think there's a large portion of society
08:28that doesn't believe anything happens with the back door
08:33except excretions.
08:35Oh, yeah.
08:35No.
08:36Yes.
08:36I do.
08:37I think that it is right now.
08:38I know.
08:39I know, right?
08:40Let's go back to the good old days
08:42when asses were just for pooping.
08:44Yep.
08:46Yep.
08:46The internet was trying hard
08:49to get me into sounding yesterday.
08:50That was the big thing.
08:51Oh, my God.
08:52That was the big thing.
08:54Wow.
08:54I was like, what are people are watching this?
08:57I'm like, cheesy Pete.
08:59No, thank you.
09:00What's up his penis?
09:01We've done that.
09:01We've done that.
09:03I didn't touch that.
09:05That would blow her mind.
09:06No way.
09:07She couldn't handle that.
09:08Oh, no.
09:09You're kind of like Oppenheimer or something.
09:14Like you have all the nuclear secrets and stuff
09:18and you can build a nuclear bomb
09:20and just decimate all these people's lives,
09:22but you're like, I will not tell them.
09:24No.
09:24I will live with it myself.
09:25This guy deflated a ball, someone said,
09:31stuck it up his rear end
09:33and proceeded to inflate it as far as he could.
09:37Pretty much blew a part of his colon out.
09:39I was going to say, you always inflate it too much, you know?
09:42You always inflate it too much.
09:44You need your colon.
09:44See, is that one moment of whatever it is, pain, glory,
09:51whatever it is, worth losing your colon for life?
09:55No, it's not.
09:56No.
09:57Before you stick a ball up your ass, think about that.
10:01Well, especially anything that expands.
10:04I think any kind of expansion on the inside is a real risky.
10:08Yeah, I know.
10:09Like, if it goes in, you should be, I guess, okay,
10:14as long as it's the same size when it goes in.
10:17I put my colon through enough just with regular procedures.
10:21Exactly.
10:21You got a lot of procedures.
10:22Never mind putting anything up there.
10:25Yeah.
10:26I don't think that stops a guy like that.
10:29The thought of...
10:29No, I think he blows his colon out.
10:31Like he's fine with that.
10:32He has the bag and is still putting stuff right up the back.
10:35Yeah.
10:36I mean, when you're going that far, you're in it.
10:39Like, how do you come back from that?
10:41Inflating balls in your butt.
10:43I don't know.
10:43Like, what's next, you know?
10:44Like, once you've exploded your colon, sexually, what's next?
10:49Colostomy bag.
10:49Well, I know that.
10:50I know you're getting that.
10:51So then...
10:52But then I guess once you have that...
10:54Remember, we had the person call in from that Detroit hospital.
10:57Yeah.
10:57That old lady came in.
10:58That's true.
10:59And she had an STD in her colostomy bag hole.
11:02Because she was letting someone bang her hole for bucks.
11:05I should have told that story.
11:07What?
11:09Oh, yeah?
11:10Listen up.
11:10Wait a second.
11:11You're talking about the bag on the side?
11:15After the butthole stops working?
11:19They're having sex with that Lisa?
11:22Get out.
11:24You have to quit.
11:25It would blow her mind.
11:26It would blow her mind.
11:27Oh, my God.
11:27It would shut them up, though.
11:28She would have been awake all night.
11:30Oh, yeah.
11:32Oh, I had another dream.
11:35I had a colostomy bag and a homeless man wanted to have sex with it.
11:43My God.
11:44It was infected.
11:46I woke straight up.
11:48Oh, my God.
11:50Yeah.
11:51It's wild sometimes.
11:53You know?
11:54No, it is.
11:55Yeah, that lady that called in from that hospital in Detroit with that story.
11:58Oh, it was a bad one.
12:00I forgot about it.
12:01So bad.
12:01Real bad.
12:02So, so bad.
12:04I never...
12:04That was a clip I took down and shared with some of my buddies because I'm like, this
12:08is my job.
12:09Yeah.
12:10This is what I deal with.
12:11This is what we do.
12:12Yeah.
12:12Yep.
12:13In nursing school, I had a patient in the yard that had a full 13-inch Ken doll in his ass.
12:20I know what's going on.
12:21I'm just kidding.
12:23Yeah.
12:23Yeah.
12:24There's a couple of dudes joshing around.
12:26Yeah.
12:28Give me the big Ken doll.
12:30Yeah.
12:31So Lisa's aunt would be shocked if she listened to the show more.
12:33Oh, I love that idea.
12:34Candlestick was cute.
12:35Yep.
12:36Oh, yeah, that is.
12:37You're like, oh, that's so...
12:39You got to make it like a big deal.
12:42You're like, ooh.
12:43Ooh.
12:46Yeah.