- 7 months ago
Original Broadcast Date: February 18th 2015
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Those judges ought to be bloody shot.
00:04Oh, it's not their fault, Tommy. We've played like shit.
00:06That's it. I'm never going to get work as a muso again.
00:09Yeah, well, you know what?
00:10They can shove the Eurovision Song Contest up their arse.
00:12I am completely bloody worthless!
00:18We should never have let you talk us into this.
00:20Yeah, well, I didn't know we were going to win the fucking thing.
00:30Thank you very much.
00:59Well, it was an interesting week, wasn't it?
01:02You know, on the one hand, we had Gina Reinhart getting rid of some things in House of Hancock she didn't like.
01:07And on the other, we had our Prime Minister getting rid of someone in the House of Representatives he didn't like.
01:12Now, with Gina, it's perfectly understandable and something we can all relate to.
01:16She watched a program on Channel 9 and didn't like it.
01:21The difference is she's a billionaire and can do something about it.
01:24The surprise is that she only objected to four minutes of it.
01:27Now, when Kerry Packer objected to my show on Channel 9, he insisted the entire hour be cut every week for the rest of its run.
01:35Although I have a theory that Ms Reinhart didn't really have a problem with how she was portrayed in House of Hancock.
01:41The real reason she insisted on the cuts was that she owns 10% of Channel 10 and getting a Channel 9 show to run shorter was good counter-programming.
01:51Because, you know, a lot of people aren't watching the Shark Tank.
01:54And not because it's awful.
01:57There are other reasons as well.
01:59But it's a different kettle of fish when you're talking about the former Chief Government Whip Philip Ruddock.
02:05And I...
02:09I think that's very unfair.
02:10I think that Philip Ruddock is a lot of things, but he's nothing like Senator Palpatine from Star Wars.
02:17Anyway, as you know, Mr Abbott got rid of him on Friday.
02:21And I think we have some footage.
02:38That was actual footage.
02:41Now, you could put a positive spin on it and say that Mr Ruddock wasn't sacked.
02:44You could say that as father of the House, Mr Abbott was just giving him paid parental leave.
02:49Either way, it's fallout from the failed Liberal leadership coup and the backbenchers aren't happy.
02:53In fact, we had to reset the leadership spill clock to...
02:57T minus 29 days, 4 hours, 3 minutes and 12 seconds.
03:02In fact, we might have to wind it forward a bit, thanks to another thing that's made me as mad as this week.
03:08And that's whatever it was Mr Abbott promised Senator Sean Edwards about submarines.
03:15Now, the night before the spill motion...
03:22Senator Edwards pledged his support for the PM in return for South Australian shipbuilder ASC
03:27being allowed to bid for the new submarine project in an open competitive tender.
03:33Now, being able to put in a bid was fantastic for South Australia
03:35because previously the only commitment they'd had from the Coalition was this.
03:38The Coalition today is committed to building 12 new submarines here in Adelaide.
03:45Alright, so, you know, he drives a hard bargain that Senator Edwards.
03:48But the issue that emerged was whether what Tony Abbott had promised Senator Edwards
03:53was what was being announced by the Defence Minister.
03:55Did the Prime Minister say to you it was a tender process?
03:58Well...
03:59Yes or no?
04:00It's a very easy question.
04:01Yeah, the Prime Minister and I did talk about the ability for the ASC to tender.
04:05A tender, yes?
04:06Yeah.
04:07OK, so it's a tender.
04:08And just in case there was any doubt, Defence Minister Kevin Andrews was there to confirm it.
04:13Just a yes or no, is it a tender process or not?
04:15Sorry, I will use the words I choose to use.
04:18What we are doing is a competitive evaluation process.
04:21What we are doing is a competitive evaluation process.
04:22It's not a tender process, Minister.
04:24It is a competitive evaluation process.
04:25So what...
04:29Confirming the doubt, I mean.
04:32So exactly what is a competitive evaluation process?
04:36Defence says that they've never heard that term before.
04:38I'm not going to get into all sorts of definitions and what's a definition and what of that is.
04:47I'm not going to get into all sorts of definitions and what's a definition and what of that is.
04:52I think it's wise not to get into that.
04:56And anyway, aren't they interchangeable terms?
04:58Is there really much difference between this?
05:00Love me tender, love me sweet.
05:08And this?
05:09Love me competitive evaluation process.
05:12Love me sweet, love me sweet.
05:23I'll take applause for Elvis.
05:26At the end of the day though, as Senator Edwards makes perfectly clear, the two terms are interchangeable and have identical meanings.
05:34It's all the same.
05:35With respect, it's not all the same.
05:37Well, there is...
05:38Well, no, that's right.
05:39In the defence terms, it's not.
05:41Is it puzzlement?
05:43Why did the Senator say a tender was the same as a competitive evaluation process?
05:48Million Dollar Minute contestant Greg explains.
05:51Didn't have a lot of time to think about it.
05:52It was really just a bit of a guess base on the word.
05:54Well, as usual, we have to rely on the media to make sense of these things.
06:07News.com.au summed up this whole submarine business, I think beautifully, when it said,
06:12semantics over sub-maineries descends into farce.
06:18And you have to appreciate, you have to appreciate the subtlety pointing out the unimportance of semantics by misspelling the word itself.
06:27Yes, that Rupert Murdoch certainly knows how to run a newspaper.
06:30And here's a short scene from the farce that news.com.au are mistyping about.
06:38You know about an open tender?
06:40Anyone can compete.
06:42He might want the Russians to compete.
06:44The Putin-class sub!
06:46Now, I don't know anything...
06:49I don't know anything about the Putin-class sub, but if it's anything like its namesake here and travel's topless, then it'll be a disaster.
06:56And the debate got pretty ugly in question time too, with Mr Abbott accusing Mr Shorten of xenophobia for opposing the Japanese bid to build the sub-maineries.
07:06And then followed this up the next day by saying...
07:09The last thing we would want to see is a Russian company, for argument's sake, bidding to produce an Australian submarine.
07:17OK, so we know where he stands. He's opposed to xenophobia and Russians.
07:21Mind you, you've really got to hand it to Bill Shorten.
07:27He saw all this coming months ago, and even back then, used quiet humour to illuminate his point.
07:33These people would be the only people in the history of Australia who said that since the car can't drive very far, we'll move the garage to the car!
07:42I guess you had to be there.
07:50But what do the Navy think?
07:53Vice Rear Cabin Boy, Sir Bobo Gargle, would you be disappointed if our submarines went offshore?
07:57No, I'd be delighted, Sean, given they spend most of their time in dry dock being repaired.
08:02To see them occasionally driving around the ocean or disappearing underneath it in a way that was on purpose...
08:09...would warm the cockles of this old sea dog's heart.
08:13Alright, now you're referring to yourself there, aren't you?
08:14Indeed I am, Sean.
08:15Well, I've been a member of this man-stroke-woman's Navy for my own 20 summers.
08:20There's nothing I like more than a good submission.
08:24There was an enquiry into that, but I got off.
08:30So I heard.
08:32I mean, the Collins class is a world-famous name, Sean.
08:36I mean, the brand recognition is phenomenal. Everyone's heard of it. Very big name.
08:39They say you can see it from the moon.
08:42Hang on. You can hear it from the moon.
08:45Would you be happy on a Japanese-made submarine, though?
08:49Or, as Mr Abbott suggested, if Labor get in...
08:52We could have Kim Jong-il class submarines.
08:56Kim Jong-il class submarines.
08:59Well, of course, Sean, the Kim Jong-il class submarines have been superseded by the Kim Jong-un ones.
09:05But I can't see us wanting North Korea's Navy's surplus.
09:10Mind you, that's probably as close as we're going to get to seeing a surplus in this country any time soon.
09:16Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Back in the country!
09:21Idiot!
09:23No, Sean, I'd be perfectly happy manning the poop deck on one of those little Japanese runabouts.
09:28Cheap, easy to park, and completely hairless, according to my Tinder app.
09:31Thank you very much, Bobo.
09:34Personally, I don't know why we're building new subs.
09:36When did it be cheaper and more entertaining to simply renovate the existing fleet?
09:41Later on in the show, I'll be speaking to the block triple threat's own Luke and Ebony
09:44about how to install four Kawasaki Cockums V4275R Stirling Air Independent Propulsion engines
09:51and Aidan and Jess on just how they'd retrofit ZPS-6F air search radar equipment.
09:56Plus, Amy and Brooke's ideas on putting in a Hughes Oki-72Q7 sonar system
10:03as well as a stunning ensuite and vertical garden.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:14Incidentally, Bobo, why do they call it a poop deck?
10:18Well, the sea can be a very frightening place, Sean.
10:21Yes, it's not for the faint-hearted to police our sovereign borders.
10:25And if it gets too frightening for you?
10:28Well then, I police...
10:30A cracker!
10:41Still to come later in the week.
10:44Dick, no-one's buying our CB radios.
10:46You want me to arrange to have them dumped into the ocean from your hot-air balloon?
10:50What about if I towed an iceberg into Sydney Harbour as a publicity stunt?
10:55What about your future as a sort of environmentalist?
10:59Don't worry, it'll just be a tarpaulin covered in fire extinguisher fire.
11:02But won't the potassium chloride kill off the marine life?
11:06To fish by CB radios?
11:10Then get on one of our range of novelty telephones and hire me a bug!
11:14Wealth and power at its most costly and forceful.
11:19Event drama with dialogue typed by a battery of Australia's most employed writers.
11:24And guest starring Stefan Dennis as Bob Hawke.
11:27Ah, there's your well-deserved Australian of the Year award, Dick.
11:32And you're living proof to all Australians that anyone can make it in this country,
11:38providing they believe in what they can achieve and get rich while proving it.
11:44Thanks, Prime Minister Hawke.
11:45Witness the rise of Dick in the House of Smith, coming soon in 2015.
11:52I just want to let you know, there's no right or wrong answer, it's just your opinion.
11:57So, thinking about the Australian Labor Party, what do you think the party believes in or stands for?
12:05Well, I don't reckon it stands for anything anymore.
12:08It's the same as any other political party, it just looks after its own self interests.
12:11Great, thank you.
12:14Giving the impression it's the end of an answer.
12:19Right, thank you very much.
12:21Hillary Edmonds, what does the Labor Party actually believe in or stand for today?
12:26The Labor Party doesn't stand for anything anymore, Sean.
12:28We believe in looking after our own self interests like every other political party.
12:32Has the party become too driven by focus groups and market research?
12:37That's not showing up on our private polling.
12:40What does the Labor Party believe is the single biggest issue facing Australia today?
12:50Just give me a moment.
12:52Absolutely.
12:53Where is everyone?
12:58I had to go.
13:00Right.
13:02Well, what do you think is the single biggest issue facing Australia today?
13:12The potholes in Werribee.
13:18So, it's been a little over a week since we all put the leadership spill behind us and moved on.
13:24But the lessons learned will inform the good government of this country,
13:28which according to Mr Abbott, started last Monday.
13:31And learned a lesson the Prime Minister has to borrow the speech patterns of Yoda.
13:36He was given a message which, well, why have me quote Mr Abbott to you
13:41when we have footage of an actual TV journalist quoting him as well.
13:44If we focus on the ALP, we will win the next election.
13:48If not, we will get a very different result.
13:54Isn't this the problem, PM Parliamentary Secretary spokesman Rick Sultana?
13:58Mr Abbott can't get out of the battle lines mindset he had when he was in opposition of defeating Labor.
14:05Exactly, Sean. If we channel all of our efforts and our energies into defeating Labor,
14:09then we will win the next election.
14:10No, no, no. What I'm saying is, is that surely, surely the primary aim of government isn't to focus on defeating the party not in power,
14:17it's to be an effective government.
14:19I agree. And a return to the Rudd-Gillard-Rudd chaos is not what this country needs.
14:23Yeah, yeah, but you're in power.
14:25Exactly. And imagine how bad the deficit would be if Labor were in power.
14:29But if you waste that power that you have, the power that you have in just routing your enemies, then you'll never build anything.
14:36Exactly. You cannot run a country, as Labor did, on unsustainable growth.
14:41Yeah, but...
14:43But what's the option?
14:46Not Labor.
14:48Yeah, okay. But what would you do?
14:51Stop them from getting in.
14:53Buy the next election.
14:55Clinical psychologist Dr Marie Spoons, have you seen this sort of thing before?
15:08Yeah, I have, Sean. Yeah.
15:09Mice, for example, when confined to a particular daily ritual for a number of years, can develop what we call learned behaviour.
15:18They find it very difficult to adapt when the original stimuli is removed.
15:23Their pattern of behaviour remains the same, even though it's pointless.
15:27Is there a cure?
15:29Yeah, there is. I've found that a very simple reward, punishment-based aversion therapy involving a small electrical charge and some food has been very useful with the mice that have come to see me.
15:43All right. Thank you very much, Marie.
15:47Right, Rick.
15:52Now, I'm going to attach these jumper lids to your nipples.
15:58Oh, yes.
16:00Yes.
16:02That's it.
16:03Now, if in answer to my questions, you keep interpreting them as if they're about labour, I will electrocute you.
16:10Anything to stop labour getting into power.
16:17This may take some time, so if you'd like to see the rest of this interview, log on to the ABC Shadow website.
16:24Anne-Marie, would you mind?
16:26Oh, still to come.
16:28IS arrests in Sydney.
16:31Police raid a converted garage.
16:33The big question, of course, is whether the garage has been radicalised as well.
16:36And out-of-context soundbite, make it seem like an old man has eaten a building.
16:41I've got another house in me.
16:45The first economics, and worse than expected unemployment figures, raise the likeliness hood of yet another interest rate much in cart.
16:53Don't ask me, I don't understand it either.
16:55But according to caretaker treasurer and backbencher-in-waiting Joe Hockey, cuts to interest rates are good news.
17:02Here he is on the first one, down to 2.5% just a couple of weeks ago.
17:07It's good news for Australian business.
17:10And here he is on the interest rate cut, also to 2.5% just before the election.
17:14Today they've gone to 2.5%.
17:17And, Lee, they're not cutting interest rates because the economy is doing well.
17:20I don't know, maybe both of them are right.
17:23And I like Joe, seems like a regular guy, doing his best to sort out a problem not of his making, his own budget.
17:30And he seems prepared to do anything to make it work.
17:32I have been to the opposition.
17:35I've walked over to their offices and I've said, how can you help us, how can we work together to address the mess that was left behind by the previous government?
17:44Now, it's a little awkward given that, as it turns out, Labor was the previous government.
17:49Not that Joe's pointing the finger for the budget not being popular, not at himself anyway, or indeed anyone in his party, or those who voted for that party.
17:58The public always get it right.
17:59I mean, they always get it right.
18:01They think you haven't done a great job.
18:02They're the ultimate customers.
18:03I grew up in a small business and my dad always said the customer is always right.
18:08And he was right.
18:10Well, that's an interesting logical syllogism there, isn't it, Professor of Pedantics at Box Hill Tafer in Orb Spider?
18:15Yes, Sean. The customer is always right. Joe's father is right. Therefore, the customer is always Joe's father.
18:25How's that possible, though, if Joe's father owned the business as well?
18:28Well, I think that's what Joe Hockey is saying is wrong with the economy at the moment.
18:32If the only customer for a good or service is the vendor, then that's not going to help the bottom line.
18:37Because the customer, Joe's father, is paying more for the good or service than it's costing the vendor.
18:43Also, Joe's father. And so the business inevitably falls.
18:47What about what if what is being sold is the budget? Have a look at this.
18:52We are doing what is hard. Not popular sometimes. But we are doing what is right as well.
18:57Yes. Well, Joe's introduced another proposition into the syllogism, hasn't he?
19:01If the customer is always right and the customer is the public, then how can something that is unpopular with the public be something that is also right?
19:08And that's why Joe is having such a hard time at the moment, because what he's doing is an existential fallacy.
19:14Professor, would you mind flying this kite with a key on it?
19:17No, not at all.
19:19Now, there are endless variations to this conundrum, all of which I will now proceed to explain.
19:24If the customer is the Liberal backbench and the product is Tony Abbott, then you can...
19:28But we shouldn't blame Joe Hockey for any of this. Yes, he was recently voted the worst treasurer in the last 40 years, but he's only 50 this year and there's only so much he can do as a 10 year old boy.
19:44Isn't that right, Assistant Treasurer Spokesperson Draymella Burt?
19:49I'm not a commentator, Sean.
19:51Thanks very much, Draymella.
19:53Why does Joe want us to live until we're 150?
19:56I believe it's so he can raise the retirement age to 135.
20:00Thanks very much, Draymella.
20:02But right now, in an effort to appeal to a younger demographic, here's Triple J's podcast deleter for Matt and Alex, Spackfiller Vol, with what's happening in this week's music.
20:14Yeah, thanks, Grandpa.
20:19Well, Trade Minister Andrew Robb's ability to get Australia into overseas markets has peaked, with the news that Australia is to compete in this year's 60th anniversary Eurovision Song Contest.
20:30Now, like, some pedantic geographers have, like, questioned our eligibility, but, you know, so what?
20:36You know, there's like every chance that Greece could leave the Eurozone before the next contest, leaving a total vacancy for us.
20:41The only question is, who should represent us?
20:46The usual suspects have been rounded up.
20:48Barnsie, Farnsie, and Sobransie.
20:52But for me, using the criteria of mass appeal, experience in musical theatre, and, of course, sheer vocal talent, there is only one choice.
21:00Love, love changes everything, hands and faces, earth and sky.
21:12Love, love changes everything, how you live and how you die.
21:22Love can make the world go round, make a day seem like a lifetime.
21:35You tell me that's not the best version of that song you've ever heard.
21:40And I don't think anyone will disagree with you.
21:42Back to you, Opa.
21:44Yes, time now, though, for some other news from countries that aren't Australian.
21:50Proudly brought to you by the Peter Credlin Hypnodisc.
21:54Yeah, dance for me, monkey boy.
21:56Well, law enforcement officers in Ferguson, Missouri, have begun testing what they're calling a less lethal gun.
22:03Now, I'm all for less lethal weapons. All three sequels were, in my opinion, absolutely unnecessary.
22:10Particularly the ones with Joe Pesci in them.
22:13But this invention sounds promising. Here's how the less lethal gun works.
22:17It looks like a toy that attaches to a real gun, but it is nothing to play with.
22:24The bullet merges with the metal bulb, which travels about one-fifth the speed of a regular bullet.
22:29It could definitely break something. Could it kill you?
22:33It absolutely could.
22:37It absolutely could kill you.
22:40Yeah, they should probably just call it a gun, shouldn't they?
22:44To the UK now, and as a cost-saving exercise, public trials have begun of driverless cars.
22:50It's hoped that further development can also lead to them being passengerless as well.
22:54Thus, reducing the need for the vehicles at all and saving even more money.
22:57The US military has revealed that it spent over half a million dollars last year on Viagra,
23:03which works out approximately to 80,000 hours worth, or three Contiki tours of duty.
23:10An ADF spokesman said that complimentary Viagra wasn't being considered to help resolve the pay dispute with Australian troops,
23:18although he added that Viagra would assist privates to cope with inflation.
23:21Finally, health authorities have issued warnings about frozen berries from China and Chile that may be contaminated with hepatitis A.
23:32The brand, which is now being recalled and stripped from supermarket shelves, is Nana's frozen mixed berries.
23:38Which is a real shame, because I love Nana's berries, and they're so good for you.
23:42What's going on?
23:46I come to Caesar Berries, not to praise them.
23:53It's 40 years since the birth of the radio station that changed our music landscape.
23:58And we're just as relevant today.
24:01Grim Spoon Sick Fest, winning the first on Earth.
24:04Now that was massive.
24:06And it's a pretty awesome thing for a band out of Lismore.
24:10Can you explain for the viewers what you mean by out of?
24:13Oh sorry, from.
24:15Kill.
24:16Take a look back at Australia's favourite youth broadcaster from those who helped make it so.
24:21I mean, seeing how huge Big Day Out and Home Bake have become is the highlight of my life.
24:27For me, meeting Skank Hensey and the boys from Body Jar.
24:32Oh, that was a dream come true.
24:35I think we're an important voice for youth culture.
24:38We don't need no Taylor Swift yet to make us any more relevant.
24:41Triple J at 40, soon on iview.
24:46Welcome back.
24:47Well, it's been revealed this week that voice-activated smart TV sets,
24:50which respond to voice commands, actually listen to your conversations
24:53and may share details of what they hear.
24:56No, it's not bullshit, Kylie Formby of Glen Osmond.
25:00Have a listen to the Samsung privacy agreement.
25:03Please be aware that if your spoken words include personal or other sensitive information,
25:07that information will be among the data captured and transmitted
25:10to a third party through your use of voice recognition.
25:14Now, I don't blame these TV sets for listening to us
25:16instead of the rubbish they continually broadcast.
25:19But where does this take us?
25:21Mad as hell's insular creep has so much more.
25:24Voice activation technology is becoming more and more commonplace, I reckon.
25:30Alexa, play me some boney M.
25:33Are you serious?
25:34Nick Lockjaw and his heterosexual friend Wendell thoroughly enjoy using the voice command technology.
25:40And, of course, it means no more fighting over the remote.
25:44Change channel to 14.
25:46Mute David Koch at all times.
25:49But the concern centres on the recording and transmission of personal or delicate information
25:55that naturally emerges in the course of conversation.
25:58I have eczema and I vote for the National Party.
26:00The question is, who collects this information and who has access to it?
26:07Mad as hell understands that the information may be sold on to a third party.
26:13Sir, I have a reporter broadcasting about our data collection.
26:19Kill her.
26:20Yes, that cannot yet be confirmed.
26:23Insular creep.
26:25Mad as hell.
26:27Mmm, eczema.
26:29Well, not coming up because Judith Lucy's on in a minute.
26:32Claims of assault as pepper spray applied to seasoned protesters.
26:36Hamill Newman visits government house to competitively evaluate his resignation.
26:42And genetically modified apples.
26:45What could possibly go wrong?
26:51Well, finally, it wasn't quite Emerson, Lake and Palmer last week in camera, but it was Cormann, Pine and Palmer.
26:56Both supergroups, of course, the difference being Emerson, Lake and Palmer were a progressive group.
27:03Anyway, they were snapped having some sort of meeting.
27:06What was very interesting, though, was that Mr Palmer would be eating at a Chinese restaurant,
27:10because I thought Chinese didn't agree with him.
27:12Goodbye.
27:13Jack, baby!
27:15Jack!
27:18Jack!
27:19Jack, baby!
27:20Jack!
27:22Jack!
27:26Jack!
27:27Jack!
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