Ilana Glazer Enters The New Yorker Caption Contest

The New Yorker

The actress, writer, and comedian Ilana Glazer tackles The New Yorker's cartoon-caption contest.

Transcript

00:00Hi, I'm Alana Glazer and today I'm gonna caption some New Yorker cartoons and I don't know how

00:07it's gonna go. It looks like two white-collar working men are leaving work and one of them

00:14is carrying a sex doll out of work. Okay, the one who is carrying her is like trying to be low-key

00:23and then the other guy is certainly judging. You know, I'm thinking like big plans tonight. It's

00:28not good. Maybe something about benefits like from the job but that might not like this is his

00:33retirement plan or something or benefits or perhaps this guy like quit. I could make it like real

00:38dramatic. Ooh, or working from home perhaps. Okay, I'm just like talking out loud here. There's also

00:44like an AI angle. You know what I mean? Like an AI angle. Stop hiring humans if you've seen that

00:49scary billboard. I think I'm just gonna like keep it simple. I'm starting to work from home four days

00:57a week. Opposite sex couple. The woman though, she's like kind of masked. I'm loving it. She's like

01:08honestly like pregnant and it seems like she's close to having the baby because you can see her like

01:15beastly traits are coming out and she's becoming more animal than human. Anyway, looks like the dad

01:21hung up this mobile and there's like money symbols because he hopes this kid brings them

01:28riches. Usually you like lose money when you have a kid but this guy is hoping for the opposite.

01:36Not only a refund but a return on investment. And he's in such a position that she's the one

01:42investing. You know what I mean? Giving away clearly a sense of balance, time, having her own body to

01:48herself. So she's made the investment but he's hoping for a return on investment is something

01:53I'm finding here. And he's talking as usual. Okay, I'm hoping on a return of investment. I've invested

02:01so much already, he says. You know what I mean? And she's like, hmm. It's just that I've invested

02:07so much already. Perhaps that's that's the one. It's just that I've invested so much already.

02:15Two women are carrying luggage. Now what's funny and relevant is that I can't tell if this is a baby

02:28or a full grown man. It looks like a full grown man because there's shading and dots that are meant

02:34to indicate a beard. I like that this woman on the left is sort of bringing it. She's wearing like a

02:39little skirt and a tank to the airport. I love it. You can travel and be cute. You know what I mean?

02:43That's what she's saying. Her suitcase is bigger. She has a dog in it as well. I think this is a man,

02:50like a full grown man. Perhaps something about packing light. But there's like something here

02:55about a man being a baby. That's the point of this. You know, it's almost like math but it's not math.

03:03You know, I could just fully rag on him too. Like he gets really tired on travel days and then you leave

03:09it up to the reader to like discover that this is her grown male partner. He could have been a,

03:15you know, underneath the plane with the dog too. You know, it's not like a clever New Yorker thing,

03:21but like maybe it's just like silly. Like we're gonna go get ice cream because he was really good in

03:27cargo. He surprisingly always behaves in cargo and like the dog sat on her lap. Well, they can't both

03:35fit on my lap. I'm trying to get myself up here. Okay. We're gonna go with that.

03:44The problem really isn't the skill itself of coming up with the captions. It's the gaslighting myself

03:49after. So then she says, well, they can't both fit on my lap.

03:53Oh, somebody brought their hot dog stand to the like auto shop. Wiener obviously is like,

04:07could be used. A Frank. What do they also call hot dogs? Dirty water dogs. I love, oh my god,

04:13dirty water dogs. Overheated, like an engine's overheated. Dogs are too hot. And then of course,

04:20wiener. Like we don't want to brush over. The possibility is there. And then this thing's

04:27propped open is funny, but it's like, that's the driver. He's checking the oil. And then who's this

04:33guy? This is like a stoner male is what I'm perceiving. No boobs, long hair stoner. The oil's

04:41good. It's the such and such. That's a problem. Perhaps that's the structure. Also like there's a bun

04:47there. Wieners and buns. Okay. I'm like, I'm sorry, but you asked me to do this. So here I am

04:56and you're getting the Alana Glazer version of it. Oh, you know what? Hot dogs are like, they're

05:02American, but they're like German. Also, there's also something here with like the

05:07European, it's the German engine. That's a problem. It's the last one, right?

05:11You know, we're not going to go there. We're not going to talk about lube. We're not. We're not.

05:20You know what? Honestly, I'm just going to, maybe it is just like oil's good. It's, uh, but you're low on

05:27kraut.

05:30I would say finishing strong isn't my strong suit, but

05:36I will see anything through. I will see, I will see it through. So we're ending on this, but you

05:46know, I don't know. Oil's good, but you're low on kraut. Guys, you know, I don't know.

05:55Thanks for having me. Thanks for accepting me. However, I came today.

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