00:00Should a man be able to have a podcast?
00:04Um, no.
00:12Well, hello, America.
00:14I'm Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
00:17I'm here today in the role of judge.
00:20Because I'm a judgy person, and to prove to you that I'm a judge, check it.
00:26Let's go.
00:27We are now about to listen to the first dispute before the court of JLD.
00:39I saw this trend on TikTok where you chop up all the ingredients of a sandwich into tiny little pieces
00:43and then put it on the roll so you get perfectly distributed ingredients in every bite.
00:48I asked the deli guy to make my sub chop chop style, and my friend freaked out at me.
00:52I did nothing wrong.
00:54I have not heard of a chop chop sandwich.
00:56I will tell you that I'm starving and that I would like to have that right now.
01:01So I'm in favor of the chop chop sandwich.
01:03I think it's genius.
01:05I think it's the beginning of something extraordinary.
01:09I think it's like a billion-dollar idea.
01:12Can I show you what it looks like?
01:14Yeah.
01:15So you chop up everything here and then so...
01:18And then you shove it in there.
01:19Okay, first of all, I'm going to take back my billion-dollar idea comment.
01:27I'd like you to edit that out.
01:29It looks repulsive.
01:31Just leave it at that.
01:33You don't ask the deli guy to make a chop chop sub.
01:36You just don't.
01:37That shit is embarrassing, and it looks gross, and it takes some extra time.
01:41I'm not trying to get blacklisted by my deli.
01:44Well, the problem with this particular case is that there's not really enough evidence
01:50presented before the court, because where's the deli guy?
01:54I need to be hearing from the deli guy.
01:56I'm going to declare this a mistrial.
01:58There's just insufficient evidence for me to render a judgment, and I don't know who's
02:03running this thing, but this is a travesty, and in the name of justice, let's get the deli
02:09guy here.
02:09I've never had a relationship with my deli guy.
02:14I have not.
02:15Not even romantic.
02:16Oh, yes.
02:16I slept with my deli guy, if that's what you mean.
02:19Yes.
02:19I slept with my deli guy.
02:21It was fine, if that's what you're talking about.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Next case.
02:27So I started this podcast a couple months ago where I do a deep dive into the world
02:30of calligraphy, and I asked my girlfriend what she thought of the most recent episode
02:35about traditional dip pens, and she said it was so good, but I never recorded an episode
02:41like that.
02:41I was just, like, testing her.
02:44I don't think she's been listening to my podcast at all.
02:47Please don't make a podcast about calligraphy.
02:50I think it's a mistake.
02:51Only because, and I'm all in favor of calligraphy, okay?
02:55I'm not anti-calligraphy, but it's a visual medium, and a podcast is not.
03:02And I'm really, frankly, ready to pass judgment, but out of respect for the law and how we do
03:09things in this court, we'll listen to the other witness.
03:12Whatever.
03:12I definitely listened to most of the first episode, but I don't find it to be the most
03:18stimulating topic.
03:20I'm not listening to all that.
03:22I'm happy he finally has a hobby, but I don't think I should be expected to listen to every
03:26episode.
03:28Okay.
03:31Where's the bailiff?
03:32Nothing's working.
03:34I don't think she needs to be expected to listen to every episode, or any episode for
03:39that matter, maybe like exercise, maybe learn to cook.
03:45I mean, there are other hobbies, and I don't like that he was tricking her, not in love
03:50with that.
03:50I think maybe he could just say, did you listen to my podcast?
03:54Then she'll lie and say yes, and they can go on with their lives.
04:00I've now come to a new conclusion.
04:02I think this couple is perfectly suited for one another.
04:05They're living the lie, and it's working for them.
04:08So I'm all in favor of them staying together, get married, have a bunch of kids.
04:14We'll see how it works out.
04:18I'm engaged to the best guy, and we're thinking about combining our finances.
04:22I just found out that he has an OnlyFans subscription to a specific woman that he claims is non-sexual.
04:29I want him to cancel the subscription, but he's being kind of weird about it.
04:34All right, we've got two problems here.
04:38Actually, we have three problems.
04:39Number one, they're engaged.
04:42Problem.
04:43Number two, combining finances.
04:46Problem.
04:47Number three, OnlyFans.
04:51Problem.
04:51So, we've got three big, fat fucking problems.
04:56Let's hear what this douchebag has to say.
05:00Right, so I've been chatting with this model on OnlyFans for like four years, and I'm not ready to give up the relationship.
05:07I know it sounds silly, but she really gets me in a specific way.
05:13And I'm helping her pay for grad school.
05:16Okay.
05:20Here's my advice.
05:21He needs to get engaged to the OnlyFans model.
05:24Combine his finances with her.
05:27He'll get a free subscription to his OnlyFans thing.
05:32And this nice, disturbed woman from the beginning should move on, get on with her life.
05:38Yank her finances back.
05:40By the way, if by any chance they had already combined their finances, that means she's paying for the OnlyFans site.
05:46Red flag warning.
05:48So, this is a shit show.
05:51He needs to go with this model.
05:53Live your sad life.
05:55And this other woman can move on and improve herself dramatically by doing so.
06:01Break up immediately.
06:03Bam.
06:05I was talking to my friend about Titanic, and I brought up the fact that Jack died.
06:10And then he got so mad and was like, spoiler alert, spoiler alert.
06:15I'm sorry, but how do you not know the basic plot of Titanic?
06:18You can't call a spoiler alert for a movie that everyone should know.
06:21If my math is correct, that's, uh, 27 years ago?
06:27Yeah.
06:29Here's another spoiler alert.
06:31The ship went down.
06:32It hit an iceberg.
06:34Oh, spoiler alert.
06:37Come on.
06:37Get a life.
06:38A lot of these cases that have been brought before my court today are pathetic.
06:44I hate it when movies are spoiled for me and I still haven't seen Titanic.
06:49I think that my friends should be sensitive to the fact that we're not all movie buffs.
06:54I would say Titanic and there's so many other movies that are classics that have been around
06:59for decades and decades and decades.
07:01And if you're not with it enough to keep up with the times, stay present, go to the movies,
07:09support films.
07:10I am completely judging in favor of the first plaintiff, if we're going to call them that.
07:17And I don't have any problem with her saying anything about Titanic.
07:23Anything.
07:26Let me explain to you about spoiler alerts with Marvel.
07:29If I tell you anything about Thunderbolts right now, someone's going to kill me.
07:33You think I'm joking.
07:36I'm not joking.
07:38They follow me around and they make sure that I don't say nut and honey.
07:43Remember that cereal commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios?
07:47Spoiler alert.
07:48Spoiler alert.
07:49It's for Honey Nut Cheerios.
07:51Nut and honey.
07:54There are many things about Thunderbolts I'm afraid to spoil.
07:58I can tell you my character name, Contessa Valentina Allegra DeFontaine.
08:05That's it.
08:08Let's hear the next case.
08:12My son is in a rock band and I'm so proud of him and I love watching him play.
08:19He has this new single though that's called Smokin' Hot Mom.
08:25I suggest that maybe he should go to therapy and he became really upset with me.
08:32That's it?
08:34How about this idea?
08:35Take the compliment, Smokin' Hot Mama.
08:37How about that idea?
08:39And also, it does seem a little bit odd to suggest your son goes to therapy off of a single.
08:46Let's hear what the musician has to say.
08:49I hope his name isn't Oedipus.
08:51This song is not about her.
08:54She always thinks that everything is about her.
08:57I just happen to appreciate nurturing older women and I find them sexy.
09:05There's nothing weird about that.
09:08I don't think he should tell his mother that it wasn't about her.
09:12I think he should say, Mom, it's about you.
09:16You're Smokin' Hot.
09:17You're beautiful.
09:18I'm fine.
09:19I don't need help.
09:20Except that I like to nurture older Smokin' Hot women.
09:24And so now I'm changing my judgment.
09:27I think he needs to institutionalize himself.
09:30And we can't do this.
09:32It's a mental health joke.
09:33So we can't be doing mental health jokes on this program.
09:36Is this on television?
09:37My son has never written a song about me.
09:40What the hell?
09:42Why not?
09:42I'm Smokin' Hot.
09:45Look at me.
09:48Why are you laughing?
09:49That's not supposed to be funny.
09:51I think she should stop listening to his music and I think he should get a life.
09:55I think everyone needs to get a life in this particular court case.
09:59That's my judgment.
10:00Get a life.
10:00I mean, I'm sorry I have to send all these people to prison, but, you know, that is my responsibility.
10:07Ultimately, I'm a civil servant and I'm here to do my job.
10:10So there may be a higher court and we'll see where I go with my career.
10:14I mean, it may well be that I'm, you know, bumped up to the next level.
10:18I don't know if that means, like, the Ninth Circuit.
10:20I may become a federal judge or I might be catapulted into the Supreme Court.
10:25And I'm open to all of it.
10:27Yeah, court's adjourned, motherfuckers.
10:30This is broken.
10:34This is broken.
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