John Cena Settles Your Petty Disputes

Vanity Fair

Order in the court! John Cena steps inside the judge's bench to help real people with some of their petty drama. John hears both sides, judges the case and settles the beef for good. Who is in the wrong? Find out!  Director: Adam Lance Garcia  Director of Photography: Jack Belisle Editor: Cory Stevens Talent: John Cena  Producer: Madison Coffey Line Producer: Natasha Soto Albors Associate Producer: Zayna Allen Production Manager: Andressa Pelachi  Production Coordinator: Elizabeth Hymes Talent Booker: Lauren Mendoza  Camera Operator: Lucas Young  Gaffer: Mar Alfonso Audio Engineer: Rachel Suffian Production Assistant: Karla Torres  Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin Supervising Editor: Erica DeLeo Assistant Editor: Justin Symonds

Transcript

00:00Whenever somebody starts speaking in absolutes when it comes to terms of two people getting along as a team, that's never good.

00:06You're going to hear this through line a lot with me. I don't think there's enough communication.

00:09Why the f*** are you guys communicating through me? Why don't you talk to each other?

00:15Hello, everyone. Coming to you live from somewhere.

00:19I'm John Cena, and I'm responsible today for listening to and accordingly settling petty disputes from strangers.

00:27Seems like a responsible choice. I am firmly up to the task.

00:31Why am I uniquely qualified to judge these dramas? I was available. That's the benchmark here.

00:37Let's get started. Order in this chaotic courtroom.

00:43I'm over 40, and my wife wanted me to get into better shape so I could stick around a bit longer.

00:48It's not a bad reason to lose weight. But now that I'm shredded, she's telling me that she misses my dad bod.

00:52This is the healthiest I have ever been, so I don't understand.

00:57I need more info on this. I cannot wait to hear the other side of this story, because at face value,

01:04and this is something that's really tough nowadays when you look at headlines, criticized for being healthy.

01:10Gosh, it makes me feel one way, and that's the glorious gravity of clickbait.

01:15You feel a certain way about a piece of opinion before you even read the whole article.

01:20So right now, they hooked me with the clickbait. This guy is being ridiculed for being healthy.

01:26But I really need to hear the defense on this one, because something about this doesn't check out.

01:31I am so happy my husband got rid of his beer belly and started taking care of himself.

01:36But this is too much. I miss his squishy, huggable body.

01:41Now, he's obsessed with protein shakes and maximizing his gains.

01:46Hmm. Having passion about something is great.

01:50That's the purpose. That's what keeps us waking up in the morning.

01:53If the person who's trying to get in better shape is literally moving forward,

01:57just because you miss the person that they are, that's not fair.

02:02You've got to meet this person where they're at.

02:03And if this person has found a passion and purpose through health and fitness,

02:07the byproduct is they're not going to be as squishy, and that's fine.

02:11But coming from circles where I've seen fitness as an obsession, that's wrong.

02:16To say, oh, man, I miss your squishy body.

02:18Well, that's a facet of the old person's characteristics that you miss.

02:23And in their transformation, they could have a whole new bunch of traits

02:26that you can now discover and find out that you love.

02:28But if the person's life has changed so much where this is their north star,

02:34and I use the term obsession when it affects everything else in your life,

02:39if you're going out to eat and you're bringing your own food into Tupperware,

02:43or if you are squandering your professional life and your personal connections

02:47through this one lens, that becomes an obsession.

02:51And you probably need to take it down a notch and turn it down into the passion dial.

02:55I got to say kudos to the person getting healthy.

02:58Because, man, you want to move around when you're old, move around when you're young.

03:01The lady's defense, just because she misses the way somebody felt, doesn't sound too fair.

03:07So I got to rule this one in favor of the person getting in shape.

03:10Next case.

03:13We were visiting my parents for our Sunday brunch,

03:15and I looked over to see that my husband, Dwayne,

03:18was secretly watching WrestleMania on his iPhone.

03:21And it wasn't even live.

03:23It was a replay of WrestleMania 41.

03:24This couple agreed to go someplace.

03:31And, you know, a lot of that is saying I'm going to do this and say I will be present when I'm there.

03:37What I hear from this side of the story, half of the team was not present.

03:41There are three sides to every story, yours, mine, and the truth.

03:43And this side clearly says that, like, my partner agreed to go someplace and be present with me.

03:51And when I needed them there, they weren't exactly present.

03:54Not a good look.

03:55But is there a defense?

03:57Do we have a defense or is that the dispute?

03:59We have a defense.

03:59Okay, let's go to the defense.

04:02I don't understand what the big deal is.

04:05We have brunch with my in-laws every week.

04:08Yes, I was watching the match,

04:09but they weren't talking about anything nearly as important as seeing Cody Rhodes get knocked down a peg.

04:15Huh.

04:15Boo, Cody.

04:17Boo.

04:20Trying to really butter me up with enthusiasm.

04:22I was probably the one who knocked Cody Rhodes down a peg, so I appreciate going for my heartstrings by telling me I did a good job.

04:29But here's where I think you failed.

04:32It doesn't matter how many times you're associating with your family.

04:37If anything, it should emphasize the importance of you wanting to be present for your partner when you visit their family.

04:42To me, this is a classic case of saying you're going to be present and then being distracted.

04:49And you never know, it could be that one sentence or that one moment where you could learn something about your in-laws or people your love are connected with that could mean the world.

04:57So, if you're not there, you don't have a chance.

05:00The husband on this one is absolutely guilty for not being present.

05:04Ah, it's such a long day.

05:06When's lunch?

05:07Ah, whatever.

05:08Next case.

05:09I was going on a third date with this guy, but he wasn't there when I showed up.

05:14Sure, okay, I was 15 minutes late, but look, I don't wake up like this, okay?

05:18Beauty takes time.

05:20And at least I communicated that I was going to be late, and he just ghosted.

05:25Not too big on tardiness.

05:27I think that's one of the few things you can control, but sometimes there are reasons to be late.

05:33What I do like about when things go wrong is taking ownership of what happened.

05:37Apparently, from this version of the truth, the lady in question admitted she was going to be late,

05:42and I think that's the best thing that you can do.

05:44If a force majeure happens, just communicate with people.

05:47Hey, this is beyond my control.

05:49It's going to cost me 15 minutes.

05:51I'll be there.

05:52Rather than trying to make up some crazy excuse when you get there 15 minutes late,

05:57just be honest and let people know.

05:58So, although I don't like the tardiness thing, because I'm the guy who shows up to the airport

06:03eight hours early, but communicating that something's gone wrong, that's a plus in my book.

06:09I've got to hear the defense on this one.

06:12For the record, I did show up, and if she were there on time, she would know that.

06:17She's been late for every single date.

06:20I'm sick of it, so I left.

06:23If she can't bother to show up on time, I won't tell her I'm leaving.

06:26It's called karma.

06:27Okay, two people that just don't see through the same lens, and this is how you find out

06:33if you've got chemistry and hopefully the kit to functioning, long-lasting love.

06:37If you are the yin to somebody's yang, you embrace their ability to be quirky or not on

06:42time, and you give them that grace.

06:44If it is really something that eats you up, and this is the third date, so this is kind

06:48of when you know a relationship's going to work or not going to work.

06:51And this person is punctual, and I don't think has the mental bandwidth to extend grace to

06:59someone who can't keep an honest clock.

07:01Whenever somebody starts speaking in absolutes when it comes to terms of two people getting

07:05along as a team, that's never good.

07:08I'm going to call this one a draw.

07:09I think there's guilt on all sides here.

07:11I think the person who left the meal early should have expressed the very first time that,

07:17hey, when you start talking on a first date, and you start talking about things you like,

07:21say punctuality, say that's important to you, and express why it's important to you.

07:25The most precious thing we have, guys, is time, and you're wasting yours watching me.

07:29So go do something with your life.

07:31While I'm really invested in these disputes, and I'm trying to judge them fairly, and for

07:35me, this one's a double count-out.

07:39You're going to hear this through line a lot with me.

07:40I don't think there's enough communication.

07:42Why the fuck are you guys communicating through me?

07:44Why don't you talk to each other?

07:46The next and final, and it's not the final case.

07:48It's a long day.

07:49No lunch to be had.

07:51You know, a hungry judge is a harsh judge.

07:53So let's see what happens.

07:56I was in an Uber with my mentor, and I noticed that she requested a quiet mode ride, which

08:00basically means she doesn't want to hear a peep from the driver.

08:02The driver then asked us how the temperature was, and because of that, she gave the driver

08:06three stars instead of five.

08:07That's so rude.

08:08The conundrum, right?

08:13Giving someone a subpar review because they want to make sure your ride is comfortable.

08:18This affects this person's livelihood.

08:20A lot of us out there have done ride sharing before.

08:23You want a high amount of stars.

08:25The lower on the star end you go, you might be feeling that it's unsafe.

08:29Let's find out if it indeed was just one question.

08:34The two things that stick out here is this person is a person of guidance and leadership.

08:38They're a mentor.

08:39There is no banter back and forth.

08:43One thing was said, which leads to a bad review.

08:45Is that how you want to guide people to be their best selves?

08:49So let's hear the defense and see what the rest of the case is.

08:51When I ask for a quiet ride, I demand absolute silence.

08:56That's why the app has that feature, and that's why they have a rating system.

09:00It's not a big deal, and I'm the one paying for it.

09:05I would say that the mentor in question needs some mentorship.

09:09I completely understand and hear their perspective of this is the service I'm paying for.

09:14There's a lot of moving parts, and human beings are interacting with human beings.

09:19You can fault them for making a mistake, but say something.

09:23How's the temperature back there?

09:25It's fine.

09:26I requested a quiet ride, and I use these ride shares in order to get myself mentally focused

09:31for the next hurdle.

09:32Is it okay if for the rest of the ride, there is no banter?

09:35Just knock once on the glass if it's a yes.

09:38Knock twice if it's a no.

09:40That way you don't even have to have any talk anymore.

09:42But like, man, that's just too harsh for me.

09:45That is a person feeling themselves a little too much, and I understand you want what you

09:49pay for, but I would say take a deep breath, especially as someone who's trying to guide

09:54and mentor the future of the workplace or whatever you are mentoring.

09:59A few deep breaths and a little more empathy.

10:00The mentor is guilty.

10:03Have you ever driven anyone?

10:05Yes.

10:05Matter of fact, I was a limo driver.

10:07It was before navigation.

10:08So I had a Randall McNally map, and I was, gosh, 19 at the time.

10:14And I was a football player and an amateur bodybuilder.

10:19I used to have my food in the Lincoln Town car, and it was tuna fish and boiled chicken

10:24and rice in Tupperware for eight hours.

10:27And I was from West Newbury, Massachusetts, picking people up at Logan Airport and delivering

10:32them to all over Massachusetts.

10:33I'd never been on a highway before, and there were not even any cell phones.

10:38Needless to say, I laughed at about three and a half months as a limo driver before I

10:42was let go.

10:42Uh, I sucked.

10:44All right.

10:45Well, it's been a good run, but it has to come to an end.

10:48Final case.

10:49Let's hear it.

10:50My buddy Trent is one of my 10 groomsmen.

10:53I told all the guys, no show socks with loafers.

10:55That's the look.

10:56Trent shows up on the wedding day in sandals, thinking he's some kind of Jason Momoa-free spirit.

11:02And now in every photo, everyone's going to be staring at his dogs instead of my husband.

11:08I get the groomsmen wanting to have freedom of expression, but, uh, it ain't your day,

11:13pal.

11:14So I got to hear the other version of this one, because I'm ready to hit the gavel right

11:18now.

11:18This argument needs to be convincing.

11:20So let's see what's going on.

11:21Those were Prada sandals, and I looked amazing.

11:26I had a pedicure, my toes were out and proud, and no show socks are humiliating.

11:31Also, to be honest, I have a little athlete's foot, and the doctor said I could only wear

11:36sandals.

11:36We don't need to pontificate on this one.

11:40Uh, not your day, pal.

11:42Sorry.

11:43A wedding is an emotional moment between two people who have gathered those they love to

11:48hold them accountable for their love and let them enjoy a moment between the two people

11:52getting married.

11:53This is the groomsmen completely going into business for themselves on a day that is not

11:57theirs.

11:58It is their luxury to be there, not their purpose.

12:00So, groomsmen is guilty.

12:04The worst wedding faux pas I've ever witnessed involves myself.

12:08My younger brother got married.

12:09My wedding gift at the time to them was to keep the bar open, which seemed like an awesome

12:14idea.

12:14My brother dancing nudges into me, and I nudged him back like a brother would.

12:19He nudges into me again.

12:20It's like a scene from a movie.

12:22I nudge him again.

12:22He nudges me again, and I just say, fuck this.

12:25Clear the dance floor and form tackle him, and away we go.

12:28I'm in a fitted tux that I got made for the event.

12:31It's the first custom suit I've ever got, ripped to shreds.

12:35You could tell who had the last name Sina and who was the other party, because the other

12:40party was like, hey, we need to stop this.

12:42And the Sina was like, no, you just got to let him work it out.

12:44So, my brother and I fought to, not to the death, to just drunken exhaustion.

12:49We each went back to the hotel.

12:51I grabbed a six-pack, got in his room, and we had a beer, and we were past it.

12:55But, uh, it's weird at a wedding, my brother wanted to rip my clothes off, and I wanted

12:59to rip his clothes off.

13:00I don't know.

13:00Whatever.

13:00So many years ago.

13:01We've changed.

13:02We've grown.

13:05Man, that is as cool as it looks on TV.

13:07All right.

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