Comedian Levell Crawford on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Transcript

00:00Ladies and gentlemen, that round mound of Comedy Sound, the one and only...

00:18Yeah, you're trying to do the round mound. Don't look like that no more.

00:21It's over. It's over. See, they try to keep you in the fat game, man.

00:25They try to keep you there, you know.

00:27And I know it's hard to stay out of the fat game in Philly, man.

00:32You know, you got Geno Steaks and all those places.

00:35There's a cheesesteak everywhere. You get one when you get off the plane.

00:38You don't have a cheesesteak when you go through security.

00:40They make you go back out.

00:42They make you go back out and get one.

00:46Yeah, what's up, man?

00:47You are remarkably smaller than when I first found you.

00:52Thank you very much.

00:52I don't mind that compliment now that I lost weight.

00:56I've heard that before, before I lost weight, and I didn't like it.

01:01Because I was in the bedroom.

01:04It's remarkably smaller than I was.

01:08I need my money back, man.

01:13I need my money back.

01:14Can I get a receipt, please?

01:15I mean, what are big man problems?

01:19What kind of problems does a big guy have?

01:21Oh, well, I mean, you know, big man guy always got problems, man.

01:24I got to do like 550, man.

01:27So I'm on the plane.

01:28You know, first of all, if I'm riding coach, it was a problem for everybody else.

01:32You know, and it's like you're trying to have some heart.

01:35And, you know, after a while, when you start being the big guy and just don't care, I like

01:40those big guys to get up there in the middle seat and just sit down.

01:43Well, if you don't like it, find another place.

01:45I like that big guy that don't care.

01:48He got Funyuns sitting in the front of the airplane pocket.

01:52I like the big guy that's like, well, walk around if you don't want to walk behind me.

01:56Yes, it was a fart, you know.

02:02I wish big guys would be like big, big, big, sassy black women.

02:06Because big sassy women, girl, me and them, they like a woman with meat on their bones like

02:10Raspisa from Norbert, you know.

02:12You know, she's probably, how you doing?

02:14You know, but big guys be trying to be humble.

02:16Hi, guys.

02:18Oh, you're doing like a marshmallow.

02:20No, no, I want to be mean.

02:22Like, boo, boy, open this door a little wider so I can squeeze in.

02:26I mean, I remember when Uber first came out, the guys were driving their own car.

02:34They'd come and pick me up.

02:35I was the only guy that was getting passed by by Uber because usually Uber just come by,

02:39but you can't pick me up in no doggone Mini Cooper.

02:43I just got on this route.

02:47I'm going to see if I can get you some help.

02:50I can't get you in my Mini Cooper.

02:52If I give you, if I pick you up in my Uber, I'm going to have to wait until you come back.

03:00So you're living in Houston now, you said?

03:03Yeah.

03:04Obviously, you're a big fan of humidity.

03:07Well, I'm a big fan of people with hearts.

03:10I mean, because I'm living in L.A., you know, and like we were discussing off the air, you know,

03:15everybody out there to do something else, but they working somewhere else.

03:18They're like, I'm a stripper, but I want to be a director.

03:23I'm working at Jersey Mike.

03:25Yeah, I'm making sandwiches now, but one day I'm going to be Denzel Washington.

03:29I want to be up in L.A. at a Jersey Mike.

03:33They make a sandwich.

03:34I said, what you here for, man?

03:35But I always wanted a dream to move out of L.A. so I could make sandwiches.

03:38I want to feed the world.

03:44I mean, that's the guy I want.

03:46I want somebody with their dreams right in front of them, you know what I'm saying?

03:50You know, I came out here to be homeless.

03:54I was homeless, you know, in low-class areas like in Massachusetts,

03:59but I want to move to L.A. where you can be homeless with the stars.

04:05Lay on the walk of fame.

04:09Be on Elizabeth Taylor's flat.

04:13My son lives in L.A.

04:14I saw a guy take a dump on Milton Berle.

04:17Take that, Mr. Comedy.

04:25He was in me and poop, right?

04:28Oh, Milton Berle.

04:30It was 8 o'clock at night with people.

04:34It's Hollywood and Vine.

04:35Literally, Hollywood and Vine.

04:37Hollywood and people are Robert Mitchell.

04:39Milton Berle.

04:40They're not, let's just say, L.A., not the brightest people I've ever encountered.

04:48Oh, well, you know, hey.

04:49You know, I mean, that's all because it's an iPhone.

04:52The phone can do anything for you now and then.

04:54You ain't got to be smart no more.

04:56People ain't read nothing no more.

04:58They don't read nothing.

04:59They phone tell them everything to do.

05:01You ever see people walk across the street, got their hair down on the phone?

05:04I be willing to hit them so bad.

05:06I mean, I don't know.

05:07I'm going to go to jail and lie.

05:08I don't know.

05:09I'm sorry.

05:10I was playing Pokemon Go.

05:13He looked like Pikachu.

05:18I had to hit him.

05:19I don't know, man.

05:20I don't know what it is, man.

05:22But I think, you know, in L.A., you know, you got to be halfway.

05:25You can read.

05:26As long as you can read, you can be in L.A.

05:28I mean, I ain't got nothing wrong with it.

05:30There's a lot of vegetarians.

05:32Good eating up there, though.

05:34You can eat clean in California.

05:36You know, that's how I lost weight eating up there.

05:38You know, all that wheat grass.

05:39And fried carrots and asparagus and all that crap.

05:46I was eating chickpeas.

05:47You know, I didn't even know what chickpeas was.

05:49You know, I got the California chickpea balls.

05:52Yeah, and I realized I was ordering and stuff.

05:55Yes, can I get the, you know, the hemp seed meatballs, please?

06:00Is that sauce non-dairy?

06:03I was like, what am I doing?

06:05I didn't care if the sauce had dairy or not, as long as it's delicious.

06:09That's all good, delicious.

06:11That's all I used to worry about.

06:12I was talking about, you know, that, I'm going to see Ms. Cheetah's out of the house.

06:16It's the F.E.G.M.O.s.

06:18I'm like, oh, God.

06:20Where am I coming from?

06:22Why you had to think about it?

06:24See, when you eat right now, man, you can't even, you can't do nothing.

06:27Like, me and my house, my wife, they such hippies, man.

06:30We so, we didn't turn into preppers, man.

06:32We put our phones in a bag with aluminum foil around it so, you know, we can't talk about

06:38stuff in front of the phone no more because they will, phones will dial numbers that you

06:42didn't ask to dial.

06:44I mean, my phone dialed an ex-girlfriend that I hated and I had called the police on.

06:49He was like, finally, we can talk.

06:52I said, that wasn't me.

06:53That was Siri.

06:54That was Siri.

06:55And I fired Siri off my phone.

06:57I got that help off my phone.

06:59I got sorry.

07:02I got sorry.

07:06Sorry don't know nothing.

07:08I said, sorry, sorry, how do you make potato salad?

07:12What are you asking me?

07:14Go get the recipe.

07:16Sorry, sorry.

07:18You going to be sorry.

07:19You bother me anymore.

07:22So you don't want a cheesesteak?

07:24You know, I might get a half a cheesesteak.

07:26Because I like it with probolone.

07:28I like the cheese.

07:29See, I know in Philly they be getting that cheese.

07:32Sauce on it, too.

07:34What do you like?

07:34The cheese sauce or probolone?

07:36I'm a probolone.

07:36He calls Whiz cheese sauce.

07:37I love that.

07:38See, a lot of dudes always want a heart attack.

07:41They ain't got nowhere to start throwing that cholesterol.

07:44Yeah, just pour the cheese on it.

07:49I like my cheese to stay in one place.

07:52Listen up, please.

07:53The John DeBellis Show.

07:56Classic Rock.

07:57102.9 MGK.

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