Peep Show: Wipe My Butt, Please?

Beasley Digital

Dave & Chuck the Freak ask male listeners to call-in and share the most embarrassing thing they have had to ask another man to do for them.

Transcript

00:00What is the most embarrassing thing you've had to ask another man to do for you?

00:10Let's start with Ryan, who's with us in Garden City.

00:13Ryan, most embarrassing thing you've had to ask another man to do for you?

00:17Hi, guys.

00:18Long time listener, first time caller.

00:20I appreciate you taking my call.

00:22So it wasn't something that I asked.

00:25It was actually, I was at a festival.

00:27I was about 16 years old, and I had an old man approach me.

00:30He was in a wheelchair, and he asked me to help him into the port-a-potty so he could go to the bathroom.

00:34And then he asked me to stand in there with him while he went until he was done so I could help him back up off the toilet.

00:40Oh, man.

00:40Oh, goodness.

00:42You know what?

00:42I'm not going to stand in here while you do it.

00:44You just give me a yell.

00:46Just taller when you're ready, man.

00:47Yeah.

00:48Let me know.

00:48I'm standing in a port-a-potty.

00:50There's no space.

00:51Oh, man.

00:52So where did you look?

00:53Do you just look at the ceiling?

00:54Like, how horrible is that?

00:56That's something I feel like.

00:57No, I just stood and faced the door and just waited for him to tell me he was done.

01:03That's above and beyond.

01:04That is probably taking advantage of a minor there.

01:09But let's...

01:09Charlie.

01:10I'm just saying.

01:11I think we didn't ask him to touch it or anything.

01:13Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he's not a perv.

01:17Sometimes the perv is in the wheelchair.

01:19Hi.

01:20My legs are not working.

01:22Can you go in the bathroom with me?

01:24You just stay here with me.

01:27Yikes.

01:28Sorry, dude.

01:29Therapy.

01:30It's too bad.

01:30Therapy.

01:31Thanks for calling in.

01:32Next guy is Adam.

01:34Adam, most embarrassing thing you've had to ask another man to do for you?

01:38I had to ask another man to scratch my back for me.

01:41It was that crazy?

01:43You get a corner of a wall, man.

01:46Oh, my God.

01:47What?

01:48I know how it sounds.

01:50I know.

01:52You do?

01:52I was in the...

01:53This is when I was in the Marines.

01:54We were in the field doing training.

01:55Marines?

01:57Yes, yes, yes, yes.

01:58And I noticed, like, about the second day in, in the morning, I had an itch in the middle

02:03of my back that I could not reach.

02:05And I didn't know, like, when I had my pack on, it felt okay.

02:09But when I had it off, it just, it's really bad.

02:12So I tried getting to it.

02:13I just could not get to it.

02:14And I had someone scratch it.

02:16And when the person scratched it, it was just a shooting pain.

02:20And what it turns out is there was a massive tick that was burrowed into my back.

02:24Oh.

02:25Oh, man.

02:26And next thing I know, we're using, we heated up on some field scissors, because apparently

02:32you're supposed to kill the head, you know?

02:34But, yeah, it started out with asking another man to scratch my back, because I had a really

02:39bad itch I couldn't reach.

02:40Oh, man.

02:41Yeah, that's tough.

02:42That is tough.

02:42I don't know if I'd ever ask another man to itch my back for me.

02:45I couldn't.

02:46No.

02:46I don't think I could.

02:47Yeah, like, you find a rock.

02:49You find a, you lay down on the ground.

02:51You just take that move, man, where I'm just like, find a brick.

02:54Find a brick wall.

02:55Go outside and hit a tree up.

02:56Yeah.

02:57Because I feel like a scratching of my back is a very, it's like a sensual, borderline

03:05sensual thing.

03:07Like, I feel like it's a sign of love, you know?

03:11So, for a man to gently scratch my back, like, if I went over Dave, you know, I've always

03:17done stuff to bother Dave.

03:18Yeah, a lot.

03:19Every day.

03:19But if I, I don't think I've ever just started scratching your back.

03:23No, because that's a raspy.

03:24That's what I, that's what I call HR.

03:26That's what I call HR.

03:30He's in for it.

03:31Like, I'm going to do that one day.

03:33I got to let it rest for a while.

03:35No, but then I just, like a, a gentle scratch of a man's back.

03:40How did Chuck get a pen in his aorta?

03:43Gentle.

03:43Yeah.

03:44I'm just saying.

03:45Look out.

03:46I mean, it's, buddy got hit by a car at work.

03:48Someone drove over his pelvis.

03:50I go running over.

03:52He's pulling his pants off saying, is everything still there, man?

03:57That's terrible.

04:02Yeah, I don't want to.

04:07I don't want to be the pelvis checker guy.

04:10Let me check.

04:11Chuck, I don't know.

04:12I can't tell if it's there or not, man.

04:13I can tell.

04:16It's there.

04:18That sucks.

04:19Yeah, it's not good.

04:20You don't want to have to think that you may have lost your genitals.

04:23No, and I don't want to be, like, first guy on the scene,

04:27and that's when I have to patch up.

04:29Right.

04:30It'd be tough.

04:31Man, I got to put a tourniquet around Dave's.

04:35Tie it off.

04:36Email came in.

04:37I'd do it.

04:37Buddy broke his collarbone while skiing.

04:40Had to ask a stranger to wipe his ass for him because I wouldn't do it for him.

04:44Believe it or not, a stranger did it.

04:46What?

04:47I'm not.

04:48Okay.

04:48What?

04:49If I'm not scratching your back or reaching into your pockets, I am not wiping your ass.

04:54Where'd you find a stranger to do that?

04:55Oh, hi.

04:57Hey, man.

04:58How does that even?

04:59I need a little help, right?

05:00Oh, you're just the guy I'm looking for.

05:02I need someone to wipe my ass.

05:04Go ahead.

05:05I'll really get it.

05:07Oh, is it?

05:08What are you putting lotion on it for?

05:10Oh, my God.

05:10What's the lotion on?

05:11Oh, my God.

05:13You're a great big fat person.

05:17Wow.

05:17You have a real gentle touch.

05:19Come on.

05:20Yeah.

05:21No, I don't enjoy that.

05:23Never in a million years.

05:25I never.

05:25I can't.

05:26I understand.

05:27Like, we have, you know, our parents get older and stuff like that.

05:31Like, this is...

05:32I can't do that for anyone in my life.

05:35I can't either.

05:36I could barely do it for my own kids.

05:39Maybe, like, a wife of, like, 50 years.

05:42I can't.

05:43I could.

05:44Yeah.

05:45I could.

05:45Yeah.

05:46I mean, yes.

05:47Not ideal.

05:48Right.

05:49No.

05:50I'm bold-faced.

05:51There's no way I would.

05:52But, boy, would I find a great nurse.

05:55I mean, I hope I never have to wipe anyone else's ass again after my kids.

05:58Plus, if I lose use of my arms, and I got to go out one day, I'm just going to figure

06:03it out.

06:04Like, I'm going to, like, poop before or something.

06:07I hope so.

06:08You know, I'm going to be pre-wiped.

06:10Yeah, thank you.

06:11Andrew was in a similar situation.

06:14Andrew's joining us from Windsor, Ontario.

06:16Hi, Andrew.

06:16What happened?

06:18Hey.

06:19So, I was in university, and I was working, like, I had to lift a bunch of stuff, and I

06:24ended up seizing my back, and I couldn't walk very good.

06:28I couldn't, like, do really anything, and I was living in a dorm with my roommate, and

06:35I went and took a dump, and I went to turn and grabbed some toilet paper to finish up

06:42there, but my back just seized again, and it started, like, just twitching and everything,

06:46and I ended up falling off of the toilet there.

06:49Oh, no.

06:50No.

06:51Help me!

06:53Help!

06:55I had to call my buddy, and he wasn't home, so he had to come home, and he's like, yo, what's

07:01up, and I was like, come here!

07:04Oh, my God.

07:05He had to, one, help my naked body off the ground, and two, help me wipe.

07:13Oh, no, dude.

07:14You're so vulnerable.

07:15I'm not doing that.

07:16No.

07:17Like, I've called you an ambulance.

07:20Yeah.

07:21It's going to be a costly butt wipe for you.

07:24Sure will.

07:24There are, like, yeah, there are, like, terrible, oh, go ahead.

07:28But, at the end, I took out a $5 bill and put it in his shorts there for him.

07:34That's not enough.

07:35It's not enough.

07:36It's not enough.

07:36I pulled you off the floor and wiped your man ass.

07:39That is, five bucks does not cover it, you cheap bastard.

07:43Right.

07:43There are things, like, in life that, like, bring men together, and they have, like,

07:47a shared experience that there's a bond created, you can't believe, like war, championship

07:54sports teams, having to pick your roommate's naked body off the bathroom.

08:01You've gone through something.

08:02Oh, yeah.

08:02I mean, I'm.

08:03You've gone through something.

08:03Like, you're, you're, you're special now.

08:08I'd be like, I'm, I'll do it for $10,000.

08:13Or I'll call you an ambulance.

08:15That's your choice.

08:16That's your choice.

08:16The ambulance would be cheaper.

08:18Yeah.

08:18Oh, my God.

08:18We'll call you an ambulance then.

08:20Oh, I'm not, I can't.

08:22I'm not wiping you.

08:22Yeah, we'll get you back up there, maybe.

08:24Get your pants back up, maybe.

08:27Grown-up stuff back there is just so much worse than anything.

08:32Poop?

08:33Yeah.

08:34God, Chuck.

08:35I can't.

08:35I mean, I just can't.

08:36I know.

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