- 9 months ago
Therapy Thursday: Can You Get Mad At Something Your Spouse Did Before You Married Them?
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00:00Which therapist do you need?
00:01Therapy Thursday.
00:02Now on Wild 94.1.
00:03I understand therapy.
00:05Hi, everybody.
00:06Hi, Dr. Nick.
00:07Therapy Thursday is for you with Dr. Davi, with Meredith, MD, with Orlando BGYN.
00:14We got all kind of answers for you.
00:17All you got to do is holler at us.
00:19You want to text it or you want to call 888-429-0941.
00:22We get all kinds.
00:24And we try and give you a 60-second session that can help you get somebody to hear you
00:29and maybe give you a little advice you could work.
00:31Or maybe we would be totally wrong.
00:33That we've been wrong.
00:34But, yeah, we've been twice.
00:36Twice.
00:37Ever since we've been doing this.
00:38I wrote them down.
00:40All right.
00:40Let's see here.
00:41Who has one?
00:42I have one for you.
00:43Oh, this one came in last week.
00:45We didn't have time for it, so I told him we would run it today.
00:48Okay.
00:49It just says out the 727.
00:51I hope it wasn't urgent.
00:52Well, no, it's not.
00:54It's not.
00:55But it says out the 727.
00:57Is someone you're married to told you something they did years ago before y'all got married
01:03and now you think they're lying and can't stop thinking about it?
01:07How do you bring that up now to someone you are currently married to?
01:11Ooh.
01:12They did something in their past, which they admitted.
01:15And now, even though it was a long time ago, they can't get it out of their head.
01:20It must have been really bad then.
01:21And they admitted something that was bad, and now you know.
01:25And now you think he's lying.
01:25And you're married to him.
01:26Well, we don't know if it's a him.
01:28But you're married to the person.
01:30Right.
01:30Now they're married.
01:31When this thing happened, they weren't.
01:34So they confessed it, and it's been bad.
01:37It must have been such a moral issue that you can't get it out of your head.
01:40Okay.
01:40First of all, see, you can't be asking these kind of questions.
01:46We need more details.
01:47Okay.
01:48I mean, let me just tell you something.
01:50Are you willing to, like, break up the family?
01:53Because we might not need to knock on too many more doors.
01:56You keep knocking on the devil's door, you're going to answer.
01:58So stop digging.
02:00Okay?
02:00Let's stop.
02:01You've been told something.
02:03You've been brought inside the circle.
02:05And I think it's blood in, blood out.
02:07You can't get out.
02:08All right?
02:08So if that's your man, then you've got to take that to the death with you.
02:12Now, if you're willing to trade him out, then you can go ahead and do whatever your morals are saying.
02:17But you ain't sticking around here.
02:18Yeah, like, if he was on the freak show, he would have told you, but he would have started it by saying,
02:23I know you're going to hate me for saying this.
02:24Right, yeah, yeah.
02:25And after that, you're not allowed to get mad at him.
02:27You're not allowed.
02:28You're not allowed.
02:28If he would have said that, he would have been saved.
02:30But I think you probably, realistically, you know, looking at it, you're probably going to have to either end the relationship
02:38if it's something you can't get around or just swallow it and ride it out.
02:42And is that who he is now?
02:43It depends on how heinous it is.
02:45I would factor that in there.
02:46Is that who he is now?
02:47Did you do something as a stupid youth that you might have, you know, looked bad about?
02:52Are you trying to say that people change over time, Orlando?
02:54I'm trying to say that.
02:56I'm trying to help you make a decision because you might not be ready to leave.
03:00So that's all I got.
03:02Let's see here.
03:03Meredith, I got one for you.
03:05It says, am I a douche because I need my girl to not slack on her hair prevention?
03:13She's Latina.
03:16And when lacking, her lip gets a little fuzzy.
03:20Oh, God.
03:21And it's a turnoff to me.
03:23I've told her about it.
03:24She's claiming I'm overreaching.
03:27But I'm being honest.
03:28Don't I get points for that?
03:30Yeah, I would just, I would try to make it like a joke, like something funny in the relationship.
03:36Like, hey, you know, your five o'clock shadow is coming back.
03:39Oh, that's not good.
03:40Well, see how, see, honestly, if you can't joke in a relationship about a little bit of
03:45body hair, then you don't want to upset your significant other and you don't want to turn
03:51them off or have them hate you.
03:52You know, that's something that you can't control.
03:54You got to remember that.
03:55Guys deal with it.
03:55Girls deal with it.
03:57You know, guys lose their hair, too.
03:58It's not like everybody loves every single aspect of what happens.
04:02So you have to, you know, is this will, are you willing to disrupt your relationship
04:06over some hair growing on an upper lip?
04:08No.
04:08So honestly, I would just test the waters a little bit and see if she gets mad.
04:12If she doesn't and you guys can kind of work and make it a little bit of a joke, then that
04:16will be a quick little reminder that, like, hey, she probably needs to go get a waxer.
04:19But you are letting him know that you think it's okay for him, since he's the boyfriend,
04:23it's okay for him to.
04:24Yeah.
04:25I mean, if it's there.
04:26If he cares.
04:27And she's used to seeing it and then, you know, it's just something normal, then, yeah,
04:31you can definitely mention it.
04:32I don't think that's a problem.
04:33Just don't be a complete jerk about it.
04:35Well, that's what he said.
04:36He said, I do, Shabada, and you said no.
04:38Well, don't be.
04:39Try to stay away from that.
04:40Be sensitive about it.
04:41You know, it is on her face.
04:43So, just be nice about it.
04:44But if you don't like kissing a girl with a mustache.
04:46No, I don't think anybody would.
04:47Shouldn't you be okay with saying that?
04:50Yeah.
04:50Well, you could at least offer, like, a solution.
04:52Why don't you go get some hair removal?
04:54Buy her some spa treatment.
04:56Something like that.
04:56Like, you're going to say, hey, babe.
04:57And I think she'll get the picture loud and clear.
04:59Hey, babe, I've got you 365 visits to the no-lip hair lip place.
05:05You could do laser hair removal.
05:06I think that's a good way to say it without saying it.
05:08Okay.
05:09All right.
05:09Which is always helpful.
05:10I have one for you, Orlando, at the 941.
05:12Yes.
05:13It says, my boyfriend told me two days ago that this girl at work made a move on him, but
05:18he just walked away.
05:19And now I'm really upset because she has done it again.
05:22And he hasn't told her anything.
05:24And I feel like he isn't setting a boundary.
05:26And I feel like this is disrespectful to our relationship.
05:29What do you guys think?
05:31Um, I will say if he's telling you that it happened, um, two things, if he's telling you
05:38it's happened, then that means that he's keeping an honest flow of relationship, you know, information
05:44to you.
05:44He's not hiding it.
05:46Also, if he's telling you, it could be that he's trying to get a rise out of you because
05:51some guys pepper that little stuff out there.
05:54So you can know that they being wanted and that, you know, that their name is ringing
05:58out in the streets.
05:59So you get a little jealous.
06:00Sometimes you get a little jealous with it or whatever.
06:02Either way, uh, you're getting the information.
06:05I don't really think you have to put, I think we talked about it the other day with somebody
06:08and say, your personal information is not really for everybody at work.
06:11Maybe he don't want to get into his personal, your relationship and play it out for her.
06:15And he's just like, Hey, I ignore it because I'd rather not have that conversation.
06:19You know, that's an easier way because sometimes people don't really need to know your business
06:24to people at work should have a separate life from your home life.
06:27Just play it to the left.
06:29And if it goes too far, maybe you have to, you know, go further with it, but he's doing
06:33it the right way, bringing it to you and not taking the bait debate.
06:37So those are things that if you got, you got to stack it against what the other ladies out
06:41there got going on in their house, they would take that all day.
06:43That's true.
06:44So I would say don't, you know, no harm, no foul.
06:47Agreed.
06:48I have a, I have one for Davi.
06:50Dr. Davi.
06:50So I listened to the segment about taking Viagra that you guys were talking about the other
06:55day.
06:56And I want to convince my husband to get some from the doctor to help with longevity.
07:01How do I convince him?
07:03You, you have to, you have to let him know how common a thing it is to bring up the segment
07:11that, that you heard and all of the magnitude of people that were calling up and saying how
07:17much it's helped their, their love life.
07:19And their girl is now super happy.
07:21And, you know, just tell them straight up without mincing words that I would like for
07:26you to look into this option.
07:28And if that's your husband, he would, will have your feelings and your wants and needs
07:35in mind too.
07:36He wants to please you.
07:37Yeah.
07:38He, he shouldn't be too big to go ahead and make that happen and, you know, bring it up
07:43a couple of times.
07:44Maybe that first conversation, he's going to be a little bit uncomfortable with it, but,
07:49you know, bring it up maybe two or three weeks later.
07:51And at some point he's going to, he's going to understand.
07:54Listen to the segment together.
07:55Maybe.
07:56It's podcasting.
07:57Sit there and chuckle with each other.
07:59And then when he stopped laughing, you realize you got to the sensitive part.
08:02Yeah.
08:02No guy, no guy wants to leave their wife unpleased.
08:07Um, we have one for you.
08:08Oh, this one's long.
08:09It's out the 863.
08:10Oh my God.
08:10I'll try to read it fast.
08:12Um, good morning freak show.
08:13I know you're, I need your help.
08:15Uh, I feel like I don't personally know my worth and, um, I've been with in the same relationship
08:20for about five years since my senior year of high school.
08:24We have two kids together and who we both love unconditionally, but the relationship isn't
08:28working for me anymore.
08:30He's very rude towards me.
08:31He has a temper that's only gotten worse over the years.
08:34Uh, and when he gets angry, I get called out of my name, which happens almost every day.
08:40He doesn't like to be questioned about anything.
08:42I don't, uh, anytime I do, he automatically gets defensive and jumps down my throat.
08:47We wake up.
08:47We don't speak to each other, go to work.
08:50We don't check in with each other.
08:51We go to bed, no communication.
08:53I'm still in my early twenties.
08:55I have to live, but I'm too young and I feel so drained and I'm supposed to be with this
09:01guy who's supposed to be my partner.
09:02Ooh.
09:03All right.
09:04Um, that's a lot.
09:05And I, I gotta tell you, this is probably the best lesson on your next relationship because
09:11you can turn, you can fix this, but we're going to talk about the fact that what you
09:15put up with at the beginning, what you overlook, I should say at the beginning, because, oh,
09:19he's cute or because this, oh, we feel so special.
09:22Those are the things that are going to crush you down the line because you've allowed this
09:27bad behavior to continue.
09:28He, he knows you ain't going anywhere because if he, when you say he talks to you out of
09:34your name or those things like that, that stuff is beyond like, you know, a deal breaker.
09:39And so if you would have jumped on him at the beginning, then he would know it was, wasn't okay.
09:44It's hard to get him to turn the boat around, so to speak.
09:47So you got a lot of work to get this to work out, but you don't need to be abused verbally
09:53or treated that way or made to feel like you don't have a worth.
09:57Now, whatever worth it is that you feel you got, you got to hold true to that.
10:01And if this relationship has, has passed its time, then you can invest your time in trying
10:07to make the next one work and, and put these things into work, the demand, that kind of
10:13respect, set boundaries on how you expect to be spoken to, letting them know what's fair
10:17game and what's not.
10:18Then you build and you got to trust with each other.
10:21This one right here, you got a doggie that ain't been trained and you can't get mad if
10:25he's pooping on the floors because you ain't never told him that ain't cool.
10:28People are texting in that they think he's cheating.
10:30Of course he's cheating.
10:31Hello.
10:32I mean, but I'm saying we talk, I'm talking about what's, we don't know if he's cheating.
10:36We have an idea he's cheating, but we know what he's saying to you, what he's treating
10:40you and what he's doing to you and whatever.
10:42We know that part.
10:44So you have a partner who you can't probably fix now.
10:48So that's ended.
10:49You should get out of that and just when you, and when you're ready, I mean, roll into
10:53a new relationship, but when you're ready, make sure you set some ground rules on what
10:58you, what you deserve.
11:00I love it.
11:00You know, if you, if you're getting up on your worth, then that's what you need to do.
11:04I got one for Davi.
11:06Okay.
11:06How do I get my wife to stop asking to see my phone and check it for things she thinks
11:11I'm doing?
11:12I go to work, I go to home, I go back home.
11:15I provide for my family.
11:16She looks, but trust me, there's nothing there to find.
11:19I'm loyal and I love my family.
11:20You really need to sit her down and talk to her because it feels like you're at a point
11:26that you have done everything that she has asked you to as far as being transparent and
11:32giving her access to your phone.
11:33You did that for her.
11:35But now you've reached a point and you need to let her know that this is now affecting
11:39you.
11:40You are starting to feel some kind of way.
11:42You don't feel, you don't like to feel defensive and feel like you're being interrogated all
11:47the time.
11:47So you did what she wanted to do to suffice her feelings, but now this has crossed the
11:53line and you have to, you have to let her know this, this has to stop because if you
11:58don't put your foot down, it's going to continue forever.
12:00It's probably going to get worse and worse.
12:02It's not going to get better.
12:04So you have reached that breaking point and you need to be a hundred percent clear with
12:08her.
12:09Charge her a hundred dollars a pop.
12:10A hundred dollars a pop?
12:11Every time she does it.
12:12Why not?
12:12Like a swear jar?
12:13If you know there's nothing in your phone.
12:15Right.
12:16You're like, listen, you're breaking a trust of mine.
12:18Give me a hundred dollars.
12:19You can look through it all you want to.
12:20Ain't nothing in there.
12:21She looks through it.
12:22And next time she said, I want to look through your phone.
12:24Yeah.
12:24You got a hundred dollars?
12:25Cash at me.
12:26Every time.
12:27Cash at me.
12:27Yeah.
12:27All right.
12:28Because if you're going to break this trust, I'm going to get something for it.
12:30Right.
12:31A hundred dollars.
12:32A hundred dollars.
12:32As a matter of fact, every time you don't find something, we're adding $50 to it.
12:36Okay.
12:36All right.
12:36So next time it's a hundred and fifty.
12:38You want to look through it again?
12:39At some point you have to trust your significant other.
12:41Or you can keep paying me money.
12:43That's what you got.
12:44All right.
12:44Meredith, I got one for you.
12:45Okay.
12:46Me and my boyfriend broke up three times in the last four years.
12:49And then he comes through and I give in.
12:52Why can't I get consistency instead of restarting all the time?
12:55It feels like it's better when we're getting together.
12:58Well, it's always easier to fall back in with somebody that, you know, you don't have to
13:03start new.
13:04You know what you're expecting in the bedroom.
13:06La-di-da.
13:07But most of us have been there where we finally need to cut that person off.
13:13Because again, like Orlando was just saying, you are teaching him that you are always going
13:18to be there no matter what.
13:20And you'll put up with his crap as long as he begs for you back and pines for your attention
13:26and gives you gifts and roses.
13:28And okay, anybody can do that.
13:30But what you really need at the end of the day is a support system and somebody that's
13:33going to be there for you and love you unconditionally.
13:36And it sounds like this is not the relationship you need to be in whatsoever.
13:40So when are you going to look at yourself in the mirror and buck up and be like, you
13:44know what?
13:45I deserve better.
13:46This is the time.
13:47You know it.
13:47You're just scared to do it.
13:48And that's okay.
13:49But when are you going to do it?
13:50Because you do deserve better.
13:52And now is the time.
13:53Why waste more of your time?
13:54All right.
13:56We have one out the 863.
13:58It says, this one's for everybody.
14:00I met a guy not too long after COVID shut down the country.
14:03He told me that he was going through a divorce, but they have been separated for over a year.
14:08He has been living with his best friend while he was getting his life back together.
14:12Fast forward almost a year later, and I am not allowed at his house.
14:15I am not allowed to meet his friends.
14:17We can never go to lunch or dinner in his town.
14:20I frequent the area he lives at and where he works, and I've seen his car out and about.
14:26He has an unmistakable car.
14:28It's extremely unique.
14:29I bring things up that bother me, and he gets mad and defensive.
14:33I really like this guy, but should I keep going on?
14:36He has a second family.
14:38At least.
14:40He has a second family and probably a couple girlfriends.
14:42I mean, you know that it don't feel right.
14:45That's why you're asking, and it doesn't feel right.
14:47And you're saying you love him or like him or like him a lot.
14:50You know what?
14:51You don't really like him a lot because you don't know him.
14:53You don't know anything about the dude.
14:56Yeah.
14:56And when you met him, he said he's going through a divorce.
14:59That divorce is not finalized.
15:01No, it didn't happen.
15:02It's probably not even.
15:03It might have been canceled.
15:04No.
15:04He might be living back home with his wife and his kids that you don't know about.
15:08Reconciled.
15:09Probably has a whole other side situation besides that, and then there's you.
15:13And then there's you.
15:14Yeah.
15:14Exactly.
15:14Bye.
15:14So, yeah, you should probably bounce out of that immediately because you're involved
15:19in something that's going to put you on the Maury show.
15:21Yeah.
15:21Okay.
15:22So, just leave him alone.
15:24Find you somebody else.
15:25Because the more time you spend, the more bonds you're going to build, and you don't
15:28want to even go through that because you already like him, and it's going to get worse.
15:31Is it Maury or Maury?
15:32Nah.
15:33It's the Maury.
15:34Maury.
15:34Maury show.
15:35Maury.
15:36Maury.
15:37Maury.
15:37I don't know.
15:37I was just asking.
15:38Maury.
15:39Maury Povich.
15:40The dude that's the Povich dude.
15:41Yeah.
15:42Maury Povich.
15:43Maury Povich.
15:43All right.
15:45Let's see.
15:45We got one more.
15:46Time for one more.
15:47I have one here, and I guess anybody can kind of jump in.
15:52Let's see here.
15:52Oh, my husband plays golf almost every weekend.
15:55When he does, he's gone for almost the entire day.
15:58We have two younger children, and I have to take care of them all the time.
16:02He doesn't think it's a problem when he goes out to his outlet.
16:05Recently, I exploded on him, and I told him how much I hate it.
16:08What do I do?
16:09Now, I'm starting to dislike him because he's being so selfish.
16:12Oh, well, and this is for any of us.
16:15Why don't you just, why don't you get you a thing, an outlet?
16:19Oh, okay.
16:20I mean, because then, and make him sit there for the time that you got one.
16:25So throw it back on him.
16:26Like, whatever it is.
16:26Have your time where now you're responsible for the kids.
16:29You got to stay home.
16:30All day.
16:30If this is important to him, then fine.
16:32Then now you get one, and you go out and represent, you know, what you want to do.
16:37And you say, hey, you've had your time.
16:38That's cool.
16:39I'm not going to take that away from you, but I need mine, too.
16:42And that's when you go do the things that you want to do.
16:44And I understand it feels like he's being selfish, and he very well might be, but your word, you exploded on him.
16:51That doesn't help.
16:52That's not healthy.
16:53I think before the explosion, I think there should be some more conversations and letting him know, hey, I don't think this is fair.
17:01Right.
17:02On my weekend, I'm stuck all day while you're out.
17:05I get what you're saying, though.
17:06It's not helping because she exploded, and it hasn't changed anything.
17:10Right.
17:10So now I have to get back at him.
17:12And now he wants to be homeless.
17:13Right.
17:14She keeps blowing up on me.
17:16Well, he just doesn't care about how she feels at the end of the day.
17:19Right.
17:19So make him care.
17:20But also, just make it fair.
17:22Like, when you have a new kid, you're sensitive because you just went through all that.
17:26Yeah.
17:26He's like, hey, I'm not going to lose my golf day.
17:29All right, fine.
17:30That's fine.
17:30Keep your golf day.
17:31But there's a price to this new baby what day you want to trade for that day.
17:36Get you a day.
17:37That's all you got to do.
17:38Speak up.
17:38Go get you some mimosas.
17:39Hang out with your girlfriends and stay out all day.
17:41Go get your nails done.
17:41That's all you got to do.
17:42Just speak up and be like, listen, I'm not going to be walked over.
17:45There's a lot of walkover themes going on here this morning.
17:47Yeah, that's true.
17:48So, I mean, maybe if you didn't make it through, take a hint from that.
17:52Don't let people walk over you, all right?
17:53Beat them.
17:54Beat them.
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