All The Woman You Can Be

Beasley Digital

Dave & Chuck the Freak ask listeners to share creepy moments inside of locker rooms and one unfortunate female story leads to an inspirational Lisa Way quote.

Transcript

00:00What's the creepiest thing that's happened to you in a locker room?

00:13This one in a locker room could clearly hear a guy jerking off in the shower next to me.

00:17He was moaning and everything.

00:18Jesus Christ.

00:19Thank God they had walls.

00:20See, you need to report these people, though.

00:23Honestly, you do.

00:24That's embarrassing.

00:24You need to run out.

00:26You may not want to get involved, but you have to say, listen, that guy read the book.

00:30That guy right there was jerking off in the shower.

00:31He can't go to this gym anymore.

00:32But what if I was just stretching?

00:35That's all I would say I was doing.

00:36Yeah.

00:37I'd be like, no, I had a great workout.

00:42Yeah, how do you prove it?

00:44Okay, God.

00:45Goddamn.

00:46Didn't you hear a post-workout orgasm only increases your gain?

00:49Chuck.

00:50Stop stretching, Chuck.

00:54Stop stretching.

00:55Oh, God, my back is killing me.

01:00You make a lot of weird stretching noises.

01:02Yeah.

01:03Actually felt good.

01:04You needed to stretch.

01:05I needed to stretch.

01:07I should stretch like that every day.

01:09This one, we have a guy at our gym we call Spielberg, because we caught him videotaping

01:12us working out.

01:13And one time we found him naked lying next to a towel for about two hours.

01:18What the F?

01:20Spielberg.

01:22There's Spielberg.

01:23I don't think I'd go to that gym anymore.

01:24No.

01:25Spielberg's there?

01:25I think I'd cancel my membership somewhere else.

01:28Guy scooted behind me when I was changing.

01:31I got a dick brush on my butt.

01:32Oh.

01:34Oh, my God.

01:34That guy's dead, right?

01:36You get a dick brush.

01:38If someone brushes their dick against your butt, what do you do that you're...

01:44Like, it's on.

01:45Hey!

01:47You just brushed your wiener upon my butt.

01:50What do you say?

01:51What do you do?

01:52You know how, like, we've talked about, like, if a guy, you know, if any part of a girl's

01:58boob touches a guy, a guy knows it's a boob.

02:01Absolutely.

02:02You think you'd know if it was a dick?

02:04I feel like you would.

02:08He's gonna...

02:09He's gonna have to...

02:09It's either that or there's an elephant in the room who just touched your butt.

02:12It's one or the other.

02:12Yeah.

02:13Oh, no.

02:15This one in the locker room.

02:16Bend over.

02:16This girl was wearing the skimpiest granny panties.

02:21I don't know what that...

02:21She bent over at her knees and her skid mark showed.

02:25That's all I thought about rest of the year.

02:28Skid marks.

02:29Female skid marks.

02:30Skid marks stick with you, I guess, when you see those.

02:33It's hard to unsee.

02:35They're like, that is a skid mark.

02:36Female skid marks.

02:37Jesus.

02:39Stop it.

02:40I know, Chuck.

02:41I know.

02:42It's hard to even imagine female skid marks.

02:47You're gonna keep frozen?

02:48Well, usually if it is on a female, they're not the best female that they could be.

02:56You're not the best female you could be, man!

02:58I just hear, like, piano music and just someone trying to really pump someone up to be the best female that they could be.

03:07Listen.

03:08Seriously.

03:09Oh, boy, it's been a rough day for you.

03:15You're just not the girl you could be right now because of the poop in your butt.

03:22Just, when you're wiping, do just the extra great job there so that you can be the woman, all the woman that you can be.

03:32And then no, no one will ever have to see all your skid marks.

03:37All those skid marks will just go away.

03:40D.B.G.

03:45Don't.

03:45You can be all the woman you can be.

03:48Be all the woman you can be.

03:51Yeah.

03:54That's the funniest way I've ever heard anybody put anything.

03:57Yeah.

03:57Like, not you.

03:58She's a dirty bitch.

03:59Yeah.

03:59She just wasn't all the woman she could be that day.

04:01She just isn't being as good a female as she could be.

04:05And that's sad when you think.

04:08It is sad.

04:10It's truly sad.

04:11Somebody could just take her under her wing.

04:13Honestly, it could be so much more if you just tighten it up.

04:16Just tighten.

04:17Get it tightened up and just cleaned.

04:21With an extra wipe here and there.

04:24Tighten up and wipe your butt.

04:25Sanitary wipes.

04:29You know, they just work wonders on stuff.

04:32Oh my god.

04:33Be the woman you were meant to be.

04:36This weighs inspirational female tapes.

04:39Yeah.

04:42I'm clean.

04:44I smell good.

04:46I've got great clothes.

04:49I'm the woman I need to be.

04:53Yeah.

04:54Skid Marks brings you down.

04:56It does.

04:58Shaves a couple of points off.

05:00A million points.

05:00At least it does.

05:01I'm sorry.

05:01A million points.

05:02You could be gorgeous.

05:04And Skid Mark, we're not ready for something like that.

05:09No.

05:09I'm not.

05:10I'm thinking, oh, you must have sat in some chocolate chips.

05:15You better sat in some chocolate chips.

05:16You know what I mean?

05:17Like, my brain is.

05:19You're not going.

05:20It's not.

05:21I'm not.

05:21My brain's not going poop.

05:22I'm like, I'm looking around every seat trying to find these chocolate chips.

05:26Which could happen.

05:26You could sit in chocolate chips.

05:28Well, yeah.

05:28That's what I mean.

05:29It could.

05:30Oh, heaven forbid you do.

05:32Yeah.

05:33And then someone thinks you've got Skid Marks.

05:35Yeah.

05:35And you really just, you are all the woman you could be, but you just sat in them.

05:38Just a messy eater.

05:40Yeah.

05:40Look, I've sat in chocolate chips.

05:42Yeah.

05:43I think that's what Lisa was admitting to.

05:45Lisa's like, that can happen, guys.

05:48Chocolate gets places.

05:50It happened to her once.

05:51Not in her butt crack, but in her bed, right?

05:53She fell asleep.

05:53Yeah.

05:53Uh-huh.

05:54Yep.

05:55Yeah.

05:55I've seen her get chocolate on herself, and she's got all her little wands and whatever

06:00she takes care of it.

06:01I haven't been.

06:02I was like, this is a poop.

06:04That'll be all the woman I can be today.

06:08Be all the woman you can be.

06:09Um.

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