00:00And just like professional wrestling, just because the storylines are fiction
00:04doesn't mean that trauma is.
00:06Drama is our business.
00:08And you can't make a dramalette without breaking a few eggs.
00:11Eggs here being the psyche of the humans we take and extract conflict from,
00:16like it's the antidote in their Ellie from The Last of Us.
00:23Before you watch this honest ad, I'm going to show you a real ad about Ground News,
00:28because they're paying me.
00:29But also, we actually use Ground News over at Honest Ad's headquarters.
00:34Ground News is a website and app developed by a former NASA engineer
00:38on a mission to give readers an easy, data-driven, objective way to read the news.
00:43Every story comes with a quick visual breakdown of the political bias,
00:47factuality, and ownership of the sources reporting.
00:50And the best part? Ground News is subscriber-funded,
00:53which means there are no ads on the platform.
00:55Let's take a look at this story about this reality TV star getting arrested at the zoo.
01:00Over 70 news outlets reported on this story,
01:02with pretty equal reporting across the political spectrum.
01:05But if you look at the bias comparison,
01:08you'll see that the center focused on the immediate legal charges,
01:11while both the left and right added some drama to spice up the story.
01:15One of my favorite features is their interactive map.
01:18I get to discover cities I've never heard of,
01:21and challenge popular narratives about the ones that make it to the mainstream media.
01:24Go to ground.news.honest.
01:27Click the link in the video description,
01:29or scan the QR code on the screen to get 50% off their Vantage plan.
01:33By signing up, you'll not only support Honest Ads,
01:36but also help Ground News in their mission to make the media landscape more transparent.
01:41This fall, you hungry moths for trauma,
01:44you pain gluttons and drama hounds,
01:47your new favorite show is coming soon.
01:50Love, Horts.
01:52A brand new reality dating show from Horton Productions
01:55that's serving up a piping hot plate of schadenfreude schnitzel.
02:00By now you probably know the drill.
02:02We've taken 12 physical therapists slash influencers,
02:05including one bisexual who we point to for inclusivity,
02:09but also paint as a queer villain.
02:11Like if Scar from The Lion King had a tragus piercing.
02:15They'll all be treated to an all-inclusive stay
02:18in a beautiful island purgatory at an undisclosed location
02:22where there'll be wine dined and held for an undisclosed amount of time.
02:26There the competition begins.
02:29Through a series of romantic dates,
02:31endless eye-f***ing,
02:32and physical challenges,
02:34they'll attempt to earn the chance to marry this doll I made.
02:38But don't worry.
02:39Just because they're competing for the love of an entirely fictional person
02:43doesn't mean the stakes aren't high.
02:45Hey, at least we aren't outright lying to the contestants,
02:48telling them that, for example,
02:50they're romancing the real Prince Harry
02:52and bringing in fake psychiatrists to gaslight them
02:55when they notice he doesn't really look like Prince Harry.
02:58Think these shows aren't for real?
02:59No doy, you doinks.
03:01We know.
03:02It's make-believe.
03:04It's entertainment,
03:05which honestly is probably for the best.
03:08Can you imagine a show about some guy who hasn't been able to find anyone,
03:12so desperate to find a co-pilot for their deathbed
03:15that they take to the airwaves to do it?
03:17God, it would be an unwatchable, gutting autopsy of the human condition.
03:22Just thinking about it makes me want to go
03:24Joey Chestnut on a bag of cyanide pills.
03:27So yeah, we deal in fiction.
03:30This is all fun.
03:32Reality shows are fake.
03:34Congratulations, Baby Sherlock.
03:36What's your next mission?
03:37The curious case of professional wrestling being rigged?
03:41It's a goddamn Hollywood production.
03:43Your criticisms are invalid.
03:45Isn't it fun how I shut that whole angle down?
03:48Well, I had to stop it before we got to the nut of this whole thing.
03:51That even though the shows are fake,
03:53the people on it,
03:54well, some of the people on it,
03:56are real.
03:57And just like professional wrestling,
03:59just because the storylines are fiction
04:01doesn't mean that trauma is.
04:03Drama is our business.
04:05And you can't make a dramalette without breaking a few eggs.
04:08Eggs here being the psyche of the humans we take and extract conflict from,
04:13like it's the antidote in their Ellie from The Last of Us.
04:16Don't get the veil too hard and you'll see us back there
04:19doing the mental equivalent of using cattle prods
04:22to orchestrate an emotional bullfight.
04:24Let's take a look at how the sausage is made
04:27by talking to one of our little bratwursts in progress, shall we?
04:31Please, please, will someone tell me what time it is?
04:34You know you're not allowed to know that.
04:36If we throw you lifelines to reality,
04:38you'll stop that beautiful floundering.
04:41Oh, did the doctor give you your shots yet today?
04:44No.
04:46There we go.
04:47A little gasoline for the engine.
04:49Now, spill your little guts.
04:51Hey, while I'm here, I wanted to mention,
04:53it's like really hot in the mansion.
04:55Like really, really hot.
04:57Like I tried to adjust the thermostat,
04:59but it just turned out it was a cookie that someone painted and glued to the wall.
05:02Suggestion received and rejected.
05:04Look, if we gave you air conditioning, what's next?
05:06A book to read, eight hours of sleep, a gold hat?
05:09Oh, speaking of sleep, the speakers in my room
05:11were doing that thing again where they're whispering Latin
05:13and playing sounds of what sounds like maybe a distressed goat?
05:16Weird.
05:17I could have sworn the tape said
05:19calming delta waves for sleep and study.
05:22But, back to paradise.
05:24How's your day been going?
05:25Okay, I guess.
05:27I'm just chatting with Shannon by the pool, so.
05:29Shannon, huh?
05:30Oh, she's been saying some stuff about you.
05:33Some bad stuff.
05:34Stuff that makes the YouTube comments section
05:37seem like words of affirmation.
05:40Shannon?
05:41But, we get along so well.
05:43She's really my only friend here.
05:44We're from the same hometown.
05:46Well, I don't want to be telling tales outside the schoolhouse,
05:49but she's been telling the doll that you have substance abuse problems.
05:53She's also strongly implied that you were involved
05:57in the assassination of Congolese Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba.
06:02That bitch!
06:03Alright, wake up the crew.
06:05Tell them we're going to be clocking in some of that sweet non-union overtime.
06:09And to you viewers, make sure to keep an eye out for the premiere.
06:13Find out which of our contestants earn the ultimate honor,
06:16humping our chosen bachelor behind a closed door
06:19while the whole country waits outside like they're breeding pandas.
06:22Love, Horts.
06:24Coming, but never showing it on camera, this fall.
06:27I've been Roger, by the way.
06:31I'll be back.
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