If Soda Commercials Were Honest

Cracked

It's basically sirup. #shorts #youtubeshorts #comedy #funny #honestads #cracked

Transcript

00:00We added some water and bubbles to it so you can pretend it's a drink.

00:03It's not. It's basically syrup.

00:06But my competitors and I have spent decades and billions of dollars

00:10to slowly make the general public associate our product with fun,

00:15happiness, togetherness, and in some cases, entire holidays,

00:20which thankfully happen regularly, forever.

00:24Point is, you're probably already on board with the idea of consuming

00:30wet sugar with bubbles in it.

00:31So I'm not going to spend any more money on this,

00:34nor am I going to pay a celebrity millions of dollars

00:37to tell you to drink wet sugar with bubbles in it.

00:39I don't need to. You love it.

00:42Hi, I'm some guy named Roger.

00:44And if it's hot out or you like having friends

00:47or some other virtually universal aspect of life,

00:51I think you should buy some Horton Brand EverVescent Liquid Candy.

00:56But more importantly, buy some for your kids.

01:00Of course, if your child goes to public school,

01:03we have huge stakes in their lunch programs.

01:06So we'll just sell it to them directly and cut you entirely out of the equation.

01:10You can even put money in a glass box and get a wide variety of flavors.

01:16Mmm, caramel dye.

01:20If you knew how much sugar a human is supposed to consume in a day, very little,

01:25and how much sugar is in one bottle of wet sugar lots,

01:29you probably wouldn't drink it.

01:30And we want you to drink it.

01:32So we bullied the FDA into letting us straight up not give you that information.

01:37But if you're really concerned,

01:40we can put the word diet somewhere on the can

01:43and replace the piles of natural sugar with chemicals

01:46that are so incompatible with human biology

01:49that our bodies don't even metabolize them.

01:54Mmm, that's gonna slide right through me.

01:59Luckily, we're pretty sure these chemicals don't cause any lasting damage,

02:04well, except bladder cancer in laboratory animals

02:07and other kinds of cancer in other laboratory animals.

02:11But you're a human, so f**k it.

02:18Ah, sweet, sweet acid.

02:21Yes, acid is the right word.

02:23If I pour a bottle of cool, refreshing, sugary acid onto a car,

02:28it will literally strip away the paint.

02:30But we don't pour it on cars.

02:33We pour it in our mouths, past our teeth, into our tummies.

02:37And you'll pay more money than you should for it,

02:40even though it costs almost nothing to produce.

02:43The container, actually, is the most expensive part.

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