00:00 I went through a really, really, really bad relationship.
00:05 I basically ended up in an abusive relationship because I was feeling so low, so down on myself,
00:15 so like, why won't anyone choose me?
00:19 Why?
00:20 Like that need, that longing for partnership and love was so strong within me that I ended
00:29 up putting that before my own happiness and my own wellbeing, which kind of sent me to
00:39 rock bottom, to be honest, and pretty much despairing.
00:45 I'm pretty much in this horrible longing for something that I don't have.
00:50 I was going to the grocery store one day and I was just like, "What if I never find love?
00:55 What if?"
00:56 It's a possibility.
00:57 It's a low possibility, but what if I never find love?
01:00 Am I just going to be longing for something every single day that might not even come
01:03 to me?
01:04 Because at the end of the day, finding a partner that matches you in all the ways that you
01:08 want is luck.
01:09 And I thought to myself, "No, I don't want to do this anymore."
01:13 I think I'm finally ready to just be independent and be happy by myself and put all of that
01:21 shit behind me and be like, "You know what?
01:23 Maybe it's just me."
01:24 So I got back on field and I started dating, but in a different way.
01:29 Firstly, I was like, "Push the fucking boat out.
01:33 Don't go for your type.
01:35 Don't go for people that look nice, like genuinely good people."
01:43 It's like I was pushing away what I actually wanted and needed.
01:47 I have no idea why, but I was seeing it in a totally different way before show-offs and
01:54 you're not showing your face, you're showing something else, which means you're probably
01:59 not someone that I would look for usually.
02:01 But this person had a face pic and some rope pics.
02:05 And I was like, "You know what?
02:08 He doesn't look half bad.
02:10 Let's see where this goes."
02:12 And I went on a couple of dates and very much started getting my needs met in a way that
02:18 was very different to what I was used to.
02:21 I was someone that was actually caring.
02:23 I also did a very big vibe check.
02:26 We went on a date in a cafe first and I was like, "Does this man feel safe?"
02:33 Because I was not feeling safe with men at this point after my last relationship.
02:36 I was like, "Could I even be near a man?
02:39 Do I even want to be near a man?"
02:41 Because men felt unsafe to me since the last one.
02:47 But this guy, this cowboy, just had this aura of being safe.
02:55 And I was suddenly at ease.
02:58 And I was like, "You know what?
03:00 We're sitting here casually chatting about the things that we want to do and explore
03:03 and he seems like a nice guy and someone that I'd want to do that sort of stuff with."
03:07 I wasn't going into it with any intention.
03:12 We had spoken about going into dating with zero expectations.
03:16 And this means never forcing or projecting your idea of what the future could be on this
03:20 person.
03:21 And I'm in a throuple now with two beautiful partners.
03:30 And there's no expectation of what that's going to be in the future.
03:34 We just like to exist together and explore each other and explore the world together
03:39 as well.
03:41 No expectations needed for it to feel secure.
03:47 It's actually the most secure attachment I've ever had in my whole fucking life.
03:50 I've never felt more secure.
03:51 But yeah, if you have any questions, this is a fucking long video, but I just didn't
03:56 even know how to even explain this whole thing.
04:01 There's so probably a few follow-ups to this.
04:05 But yeah, let me know if you've got any questions and I'll be happy to answer them in the comments
04:09 below.
04:10 And let me know if you want to know anything else so I can make more little weird, rambly
04:14 videos.
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