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00:01They're coming! Which way?
00:04Huggins. Huggins. Oh my God, it's all kicking off.
00:07I'm going to the roof!
00:08He's going to the roof.
00:09Why are you going to the roof?
00:11Oh God! I'm going to need a helicopter! Over!
00:15Right-o, coming up.
00:17Do we have a helicopter?
00:19No, of course we don't have a helicopter.
00:21Oh God, it's so high!
00:23Oh God! They're shooting at me!
00:26Oh God, there's no more booths!
00:28We're not in any danger down here though, are we, Huggins? Over.
00:32Oh, no. No, no, you're fine.
00:39Julie?
00:40My signal?
00:42Hello?
00:43Must be a death spore-
00:45Oh shit!
00:58I love Mondays.
01:04Can't wait to get the uniform back on.
01:06With who?
01:07Haven't you missed the feel of a professional chrome python fabric against your skin heater?
01:10No, because I wore mine all weekend.
01:12Wore it to take the bins out. Wore it to do the big shop. Wore it to take the kids swimming.
01:16But that's illegal. Did you actually?
01:19No.
01:20I'm not weird.
01:24Incoming Chief Super Cunningham, 11 o'clock.
01:26Morning, morning, morning.
01:28Ah!
01:29Bob.
01:30Julie.
01:31Just a heads up.
01:32You may have to do without me for a week at the end of the month.
01:34Bloody Commonwealth Policing Conference.
01:36Damn these conferences!
01:38In the Bahamas.
01:39The Bahamas?
01:40In the Bahamas.
01:41In the sea.
01:42It's such a pain, but someone's got to go.
01:45I'll go.
01:46Ah!
01:47Someone of Chief Superintendent rank and above.
01:49That's higher than superintendent, isn't it?
01:51I was just...
01:52Yeah.
01:53Just checking.
01:54Although, I am allowed a plus one.
01:56And given Mrs. Cunningham's current form-
01:58Is she a horse?
01:59A Turkish genetist.
02:00I'm on the lookout for a travelling companion.
02:03Well, I've got several pairs of speedo trunks, and I do speak a smattering of-
02:08English.
02:09Baham-maram.
02:11I'll think about it.
02:12Do you even own a passport, Bob?
02:13Yes.
02:14A last used when I went to see Michael Bilbao in Buble.
02:17Mmm.
02:18I can see advantages either way.
02:19Bob has speedo briefs.
02:20I can get speedo briefs.
02:21Noted.
02:22Give me, er...
02:23Let me think.
02:24The rest of the day.
02:26Group B.
02:28Ready or not, here I go.
02:29Oh, I shall take that.
02:31After all, it is my specialist subject.
02:33And luckily, I've just had my scuba license renewed.
02:35FYI.
02:36It's not always some kind of battle to impress Cunningham.
02:39No, no.
02:40It is that, isn't it?
02:41Yeah.
02:42Anyway, I hereby delegate you to be off in that direction now.
02:49I mean, I transferred here to be near my fiancee, Jack.
02:52He didn't want me to join the police, actually.
02:53He wanted me to be a florist, which I totally understand because, I mean, who doesn't like flowers?
02:58Like, every day.
02:59Flowers, flowers, flowers.
03:00Boring.
03:01And you can't arrest anyone with a flower, can you?
03:03Plus, you get stub fest.
03:04Which, you don't in retail.
03:05Like, as a rule.
03:07Anyway.
03:08So nice to meet you.
03:11Was she talking to you?
03:12I thought she was talking to you.
03:13I think she was talking when we came in.
03:15Good morning.
03:16I'm locked, cocked and ready to...
03:18What are we actually doing today?
03:19Swinging our dicks around by the looks of it.
03:21Oh.
03:22Hey.
03:23You all right, Paul?
03:24Have you heard of perm?
03:25What?
03:26Oh, yeah.
03:27My cousin Tilly's at her school.
03:29She said it'd drop a little bit.
03:31Let's hope so.
03:32You look like a cockapoo.
03:33Aw, thank you.
03:36So, for speed, missing persons is commonly abbreviated in police usage to misfa.
03:44Doesn't seem like it would save that much time, to be honest.
03:46Two syllables in the police service can be the difference between life and being done before Greg's closes.
03:51Ah!
03:52Our very own missing persons.
03:54Two new recruits that have transferred to Norborne.
03:58God knows why.
03:59You.
04:00Introduce yourself.
04:01Oh, she's standing.
04:02Student Officer Danny May Joyner.
04:04Soon to be Starkey Nay Joyner.
04:07I originally manifested to join the police.
04:09Thank you, sit down.
04:10I hadn't finished introducing myself.
04:11Yeah, yeah.
04:12Well, what I was going to say was the reason why...
04:13I'm not interested.
04:14Well, the others might be.
04:15No, they're not.
04:16I am.
04:17And I also wanted to say that...
04:18Sit down!
04:19Oh, no.
04:20Capricorn, half-vegetarian, shopaholic and engaged to Jack.
04:22You.
04:23So, do you want me to stand?
04:25Preferably not.
04:26Connor?
04:28Cold, hard facts.
04:29Half-vegetarian?
04:30Is that like being half teetotal?
04:31Sorry, are you talking to me?
04:33No.
04:34Ah, yes, Hansel.
04:35So, if I'm out of the room, and I know where I am, but you don't, am I missing?
04:39Well, that would depend on if anybody cared.
04:41Obviously, I don't.
04:42Can I report myself missing?
04:43I'm literally begging for you to consider it.
04:45Are these lessons usually so like...
04:47Like philosophical?
04:48I can think of my own words, but yeah, okay, philosophical.
04:53So, Barakat.
04:55What if someone called Miss Purr went missing?
04:58Well, then we just simply wouldn't look for her.
05:00Really?
05:01No.
05:02Not really.
05:03Now, are we all going to play silly bastards, or can I continue?
05:06Hmm.
05:07Speaking of bastards.
05:21Hello.
05:22Hello.
05:23Shh.
05:24I've just got a question.
05:25If you wanted to make someone really like you...
05:28Yes?
05:29How do you think you might go about that?
05:30Gosh, well, maybe someone likes you already.
05:32Do you think I'm in with a chance?
05:33I don't want to be pushy.
05:34No, no, no, not at all.
05:35I think it's high time you made an approach.
05:37Well, if only I knew what an approach involved.
05:39Thoughtful gift?
05:40Yes, yes.
05:41What kind of thoughtful gift would show me in a good light?
05:44Well, I've always been partial to those chocolatey eggs with the toys inside,
05:48or a silver charm in the shape of a mermaid, a burgundy lace bra.
05:53I don't think Chief Superintendent Cunningham wears ladies things.
05:56All right.
05:57No.
05:58Well then, off the top of my head, single malt, Cuban cigars, monogrammed fucking velvet slippers.
06:03Yes, yes.
06:04Fetch them, slippers.
06:05What size is he?
06:06Six foot one.
06:07Shoe!
06:08It's all right, I will.
06:09No, you need to find out his shoe size.
06:11Yes.
06:12Yes.
06:13Velvety slippers.
06:14Nippers.
06:15Nipples.
06:16Not nipples.
06:17It's nippy.
06:18That's all it is.
06:19Nothing to get inside.
06:27Sergeant Black?
06:28Mum?
06:29Are you hiding?
06:30No.
06:31The complete opposite.
06:32The opposite of hiding?
06:33Yeah.
06:34Not hiding.
06:36Right now, you'd usually be bullying B group in the gym, wouldn't you?
06:39Yes, ma'am.
06:40I mean, no, ma'am.
06:41Not bullying.
06:42Hang on a minute.
06:43You are Sergeant Darren Black, are you not?
06:44Yes, ma'am.
06:45That's me, Sergeant Anti-Violence Black.
06:47And you do know that anti means against and not very much turned on by, right?
06:50I'm not an idiot.
06:51Well, we haven't really got time to go into that right now.
06:53But the fact remains, you were seen to punch a trainee.
06:56Who was?
06:57You was.
06:58And as someone so dedicated to non-violence, you'll be delighted to hear that you've been
07:03assigned to complete an anger management course or you are out on your hairy arse.
07:06Oh, you fucking beauty!
07:09Love them courses.
07:10They're my favourite.
07:12But that's not fair!
07:15When is anyone going to understand me?
07:17Oh, I don't know.
07:19Maybe when your face stops looking like a bum.
07:22Hi, you.
07:24All right.
07:25How you doing?
07:26Just here to officially check in.
07:28I'm the new transfer student.
07:29Hand.
07:30Ow.
07:31Don't wash it off.
07:33Or I'll have to use the microchipper.
07:35That's lovely Melanie.
07:37She's...
07:38Where have you joined us from?
07:40I'm from the...
07:42The Falkland Island, sir.
07:44Smiles away, is it?
07:45Are they...
07:46Stanley?
07:47Bob?
07:48I'm actually from Stanley.
07:49It's the capital.
07:50I thought I detected a slight accent.
07:51Oh, aye, sir.
07:52I've still got a touch of the local Stanley lilt.
07:54You're very perceptive, sir.
07:56Nothing very much.
07:57Is there a lot of crime out there?
07:59Yes.
08:00But it's mostly penguin based.
08:03We've got a massive penguin problem, sir.
08:06Massive penguin?
08:07They start off with a bit of anti-social behaviour, public urination, that sort of thing.
08:10Then they break into the people's homes looking for fish.
08:13Then they end up in organised crime.
08:16Sorry, it's just bringing back really bad memories for me, if you'll excuse me.
08:19Yes, of course.
08:20You must do what you need to do.
08:22Look out for the massive penguin.
08:23I will.
08:24I really will, sir.
08:25There you are.
08:26Been looking everywhere for you.
08:27Can I just stop you there?
08:30I'm engaged.
08:31Sorry?
08:32I'm engaged.
08:33So?
08:34Well, I was just letting you know before you started making a fool out of yourself.
08:36You know, the flirting and the what not.
08:37Right.
08:38Okay.
08:39It's just that I'm actually not the one who's making a fool out of myself here.
08:40Really?
08:41Because it looked like you was about to flirt.
08:42Like trying to flirt and what not?
08:43Yeah.
08:44No.
08:45Just trying to give you this back.
08:46Oh.
08:47You left it in the class.
08:48Thanks.
08:49You all right?
09:01Thanks.
09:02You all right?
09:04Hi.
09:05My mum and dad were engaged at 17.
09:07They met when they were only 11 years old.
09:09They got married at 19.
09:10They had the first baby at 20.
09:11Okay.
09:12I was baby number four.
09:13They had four girls.
09:14I was the last.
09:15Really sorry to have asked you about that.
09:16Just tell me not to be so nosy next time.
09:18They thought I was going to be a boy, but I wasn't a boy.
09:21And then my sisters, they're all married, and I'm next.
09:25I've got a job for you.
09:26I've got a job.
09:27Have you?
09:28I'm head of HR.
09:29Yes.
09:30I thought you were glorified work experience pretending to be Bob's VA.
09:33No, I'm head of HR.
09:34Okay.
09:35Well, let's just say for a moment that you are.
09:36We need to appoint an anger management counsellor.
09:38Well, unadvertised, but I'm not sure the budget will stretch.
09:40Exactly.
09:41So we need to appoint you.
09:42But I'm head of HR.
09:43Are you so?
09:44Yes.
09:45Well, it's Sergeant Darren Black's last chance, so read him on counselling
09:47or hit him on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper.
09:49I don't care.
09:50I do admin.
09:51Well, then admin the fuck out of Daz and make sure he doesn't punch, kick or bite anyone.
09:55I run this place.
09:56I can't follow that twat around all day.
09:58I'll give you an extra job title on top of head of HR.
10:01What job title?
10:02Cockwrangler.
10:03Done.
10:04Pleasure doing business with you.
10:06I don't mind what gender I have.
10:13It's more about the person.
10:15She can talk without breathing.
10:16Do you think it's safe to go in?
10:17Yeah, I think we can slip in when she comes up for her.
10:20My dad said I'm his last hope of having a boy.
10:23Sometimes my dad runs away, but my mum always finds him.
10:27I was found at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
10:30What, in Blackpool?
10:31The one in Paris.
10:32When?
10:33When I was born.
10:34I told you he had a French accent.
10:35So why are you not French then?
10:36Well, this very lovely couple from Ballycastle found me there.
10:40Abandoned.
10:41I had nothing but a croissant to keep me warm.
10:44That's why I can't look at a French pastry without getting PTSD.
10:47So they just stole you?
10:48I just don't really want to talk about it.
10:50It doesn't matter.
10:51It does matter.
10:52That's a crime.
10:53You can't just take a baby that's not yours.
10:54They stole your life.
10:55You could be a gendarme now.
10:56That's a French policeman.
10:57You need to get a DNA test done, or at the very least report your parents to Interpol.
11:01I mean, your actual mum might be looking for you, but you might be an actual whisper.
11:04Misper?
11:05Who would steal a baby?
11:06I'd rather have a croissant.
11:07The college that you transferred from, was it far from here?
11:10A quarter of a million miles.
11:12So you were training on the moon?
11:14Don't be stupid.
11:15They're really short of recruits up there.
11:17So who's stupid now, Dev?
11:18Measuring your penis again, Bob?
11:19Might be.
11:20Where are you going?
11:21Nowhere.
11:22You're going to see Cunningham, aren't you?
11:23No.
11:24Yeah, being a little sucker, as per.
11:25Well, two can play at that game.
11:26Well, two can play at any game.
11:27Solitaire.
11:28No running in the corridor is what I'd say if I didn't value dynamism and a go-getting
11:39action.
11:40Speaking of which, is there anything I can go and get you, sir?
11:41Ooh.
11:42A cup of tea, maybe?
11:43I do like tea.
11:44Or a coffee.
11:45A big, white, flat coffee.
11:46With a biscuit.
11:47It's a great big biscuit, sir.
11:48Mmm.
11:49A flat white flat with a great big biscuit.
11:50Yes.
11:51Mmm.
11:52Worth consideration.
11:53Yeah, I shouldn't say this, sir, but the canteen are holding back some of those sausage
11:56rolls that you like.
11:57Mmm.
11:58Mmm.
11:59I've been known to snaffle a porky product.
12:00I'll go and get you one.
12:01I'll get you a handful, sir.
12:02A handful's too many.
12:03Damn it.
12:04Okay, so sausage roll, flat white coffee, and a great big biscuit.
12:05Is it a motorbike?
12:06Hmm?
12:07I know where there is one.
12:08Do you?
12:09Uh, hang gliding holiday.
12:10Want it?
12:11Don't want it.
12:12No, no, no.
12:13I think I'm more of a luxury goods and a sweet treats man today.
12:15Yeah.
12:16I think I'm more of a luxury goods and a sweet treats man today.
12:18I don't want it.
12:19I don't want it.
12:20I don't want it.
12:21I don't want it.
12:22I don't want it.
12:23I don't want it.
12:24I don't want it.
12:28Okay, but these are all great offers.
12:30Lot to think about.
12:31Lot to ponder.
12:32Can I...
12:33Let me...
12:34Ponder.
12:35Piece of fudge, sir.
12:36Oh, fudge.
12:37That's what I wanted.
12:39Great work, Sergeant.
12:41Piece of fudge.
12:43I will.
12:44Thank you very much.
12:45Okay, so, this fag packet is you, okay?
12:59This lighter is me.
13:01Now, the fag packet is an informer, or as we say in the force, a prune.
13:06Why am I a fag packet if I'm really a prune?
13:08Well, because I didn't have a prune in my bag.
13:09I've got some in the canteen.
13:10I couldn't be asked, okay?
13:12Now, your family here are represented by these hormone replacement pills.
13:16Yeah, that's fair.
13:17Wait, do my family know I'm a prune?
13:18Well, they're the ones that planted you in here, Paul.
13:20So, yeah, for clarity, they do.
13:22But what they don't know is that you are now working for us as a double prune, and I want
13:26to keep it that way.
13:27Yeah, same.
13:28So, the wider criminal community are represented by these dog biscuits.
13:33Oh, what?
13:34Have you got a dog?
13:35No, I just like him.
13:36Now, if this lot find out that you are a double prune, they're going to throw you onto the compost
13:40heap, or in this case, a packet of panty liners.
13:43Yes, but we're not going to let that happen, are we, Huggins?
13:45I want to just do whatever makes the smallest number of people angry with me.
13:48Exactly.
13:49So, you and I are going to be doing some training together.
13:51We're going to be learning some new specialist skills on how to avoid detection and how to gather intel.
13:57Paul Huggins, it is going to be you and me against the powers of evil.
14:01Oh, my God, why?
14:02Yes, it is exciting, isn't it?
14:04Have you done something to your...
14:06Yeah, my cousin Tilly, she's...
14:07Don't care, big mistake.
14:10Wait, did I just eat my dad?
14:18Yes?
14:19What?
14:20What is it?
14:21You what?
14:22Me what?
14:23What do you want?
14:24What do I want?
14:25I don't know, love.
14:26You approached my cubbyhole.
14:27I never.
14:28Yes, you did.
14:29I never touched it.
14:30My area, my space, my special private sacred zone, you've walked up to it.
14:33Oh, yeah.
14:34Yeah.
14:35So?
14:36I have to arrange thingies.
14:37Flowers?
14:38No.
14:39With the you-know-who.
14:40The anger manager.
14:41That'll be me.
14:42Fuck off.
14:43I'm not sure you should talk to your counsellor like that, Sergeant.
14:46Okay.
14:47Alright then, so when do we, you know, when do we do it?
14:50Is that a booking inquiry or harassment?
14:52It's just a different file, you see?
14:53Booking.
14:54That's lovely.
14:55Find this, and this, and this.
14:58Can you write?
14:59Can those sausage fingers hold a pen?
15:00And I'll see you in Classroom C every day at 1.30.
15:04How best you're in lunch, you little freak?
15:06Let's not raise our voice, then.
15:07Let's not call people freaks.
15:08Shall we call them what I want?
15:10Oh!
15:11Oh, my.
15:12Can you there?
15:13Can you hold the pen?
15:14Can you?
15:15Can you hold the pen?
15:16Can you hold the pen?
15:17Can you hold the pen?
15:22Now then, who knows what we mean by the golden hour?
15:25Oh, sir.
15:26Yes, Huggins.
15:27Well it's when he's going to the toilet onto somebody because of sex?
15:30That's the golden shower, Paul.
15:31Oh!
15:32No, the golden hour is all about striking while the ironing's hot.
15:38When someone goes missing, the crucialest time is the first 48 hours,
15:42which is what we call The Golden Hour.
15:45So there are 48 hours in a golden hour?
15:46No, it's one hour.
15:48You said 48 hours.
15:49No, no, it's one hour divided into 48.
15:51You're playing with the very fabric of time, sir.
15:53It's going to end very badly.
15:55Yes, yes, no, what an excellent point.
15:58And that is why, henceforth, I shall refer to it as a golden period.
16:03Now then, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you
16:06to one of the most important officers in the missing persons case.
16:10Meet PC Ticking Timekeeper.
16:15OK, now one of you is going to go missing.
16:18The rest of the group will have one hour to track them down.
16:21I don't mind going missing for about the amount of time it takes
16:24to smoke a cigarette.
16:25No, not you.
16:26Huggins, you look like a wafer and a stray.
16:29I'm going to give you a head start.
16:31Off you go and mislay yourself.
16:32And there you go.
16:33Go on, quick, quick as you can.
16:34Act it, chop, sticks, chop, chop.
16:36Now, I'm going to count you in using PC Ticking Timekeeper.
16:39So if you just hold your horses, on your marks, get set.
16:45They've gone.
16:48They've gone.
16:49They've gone.
16:52So, um, Mr, uh, Mr Swift, you're not going to join in with the exercise?
16:59No, there's no need, sir.
17:00I'm just going through all the standard police procedures in my head.
17:02In your head?
17:03I'm just visiting the Misper's last known location, which was about there.
17:06Well, that's very impressive.
17:08You show a great deal of potential, young man.
17:11Is there any, um, is there any policing in your family at all?
17:14No, I've, uh, I was actually abandoned as a newborn baby.
17:17Oh, my goodness me.
17:18What, this Bobby on the beat found me, put me in his helmet and carried me to safety?
17:22He would not sign off from his shift until the authorities arrived and I was safely in their care.
17:27I owe my life to that Bobby on the beat, sir.
17:31It's how I got my middle name.
17:32Bobby.
17:33Helmet.
17:34Helmet.
17:35It's, um, well, it's a privilege to have you on board, Mr Helm.
17:39Helm, not.
17:40Got him, sir.
17:41I spotted him first and I've cuffed him and read him his rights.
17:43He's a stray off here, not a criminal.
17:45He was just lurking by the vending machine, to be fair.
17:47I want to try and get some holo-hopes and then this happened.
17:50Right, well, well done everyone.
17:51That was very, very brisk.
17:53We now have 59 minutes left, so why don't we have another go?
17:58Yes?
17:59All of you, shut your eyes and see if you can work out
18:03who's gone missing this time.
18:14They weren't cheap.
18:15Well, we must woo him with extravagances.
18:17They're monogrand.
18:18Yeah, very good.
18:19And these, this is not his initials.
18:22No, but it's nearly his name.
18:24He's got a very long name and they ran out of slippers.
18:26Cun, Cun.
18:27Cun.
18:28Cun, do you think he'll notice?
18:29No, no, he'll appreciate the personal touch.
18:31No worries.
18:32Good, that's good.
18:33Thank you, Melanie.
18:34Mm-hmm.
18:35Here we go.
18:42There you go, you see, Bob?
18:43You're always one step, or should I say slipper, behind, aren't you?
18:47I am on that flight, guaranteed.
18:51Oh, Bob, Junie, good for you to pop in.
18:54Oh, I'm enjoying these boots.
18:56You're welcome, sir.
18:57Excuse me for a moment.
19:03Thank you, Clarkson.
19:05Soup.
19:06I expect you want to know who I've chosen for the holiday work trip.
19:11I think we already know the answer to that one, sir.
19:14Yes, accompanying the chief super is very much a man's role.
19:17Ah, role.
19:18Ah, ho, ho, ho.
19:22Marvellous.
19:23And I have to say that I think Bob's right.
19:25Oh, you are kidding me.
19:27So, I've decided to take Sergeant Clarkson here.
19:30I need the services of a gentleman's gentleman.
19:32What?
19:33That was all.
19:34You make it all.
19:35Hmm?
19:36Ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:37Oh.
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:39I wanted a spoon.
19:40A spoon, Clarkson.
19:41Ah!
19:42Leave the soup.
19:43Marvellous.
19:44Two soups.
19:45Waste of time ordering those speedo briefs.
19:46Yeah, I could probably use them, depending on the size of the gusset.
19:49Oh, maybe I will give them to Cunningham.
19:51Once I've shat in them.
19:52It's pointless, Melanie, getting all this stuff, really.
19:53Does she know that you call her pointless, Melanie?
19:54She's really looking forward to a snorkel and a good close-up look at the...
19:55Women's Bottas?
19:56No, the fish.
19:57Fishes.
19:58Did she get you any water wings and a bucket and spade, as well?
19:59Not a child.
20:00Just a child.
20:01Just a child.
20:02No, no, no, no.
20:03No, no, no.
20:04No, no, no, no.
20:05No, no, no, no.
20:06No, no, no, no.
20:07No, no, no, no.
20:08No, no, no, no, no, no.
20:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:11I'm just looking forward to a snorkel and a good close-up look at the...
20:13Women's Bottas?
20:14No.
20:15The fish.
20:16Fishes.
20:17Fish.
20:18Did she get you any water wings and a bucket and spade, as well?
20:20Not a child, Julie.
20:21No, you are an elderly gentleman, which is why she's got you this Anti-Wrinkle Factor 50 sun cream.
20:27Mmm.
20:28Goodnight, Bob.
20:30Hi, Connor.
20:31Yeah.
20:32I heard you transferred from the Falklands.
20:33What?
20:34Oh, yeah.
20:35Yes, that's right.
20:36The Falklands.
20:37The actual Falklands.
20:38Yes.
20:39Where's that up north?
20:40Depends what way you're looking.
20:41Of course, yeah.
20:42I swam most of the way.
20:43Man, you must be so tired.
20:44No, it's grand.
20:45My grandfather's a mermaid, so...
20:47Man, that guy has lived.
20:50I swam most of the way.
20:52Man, you must be so tired.
20:53No, it's grand.
20:54My grandfather's a mermaid, so...
20:56Man, that guy has lived.
20:59But where?
21:00Up north?
21:01Bound to be.
21:02Either that or south.
21:03Mmm, yeah.
21:04Mmm.
21:05Well, see you soon, mate.
21:06See you in a bit.
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