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00:14Dickey, we've been sat in silence for over half an hour and I was staring at the back of Gary's
00:18head.
00:19Yeah, I'm nearly done, Burbs.
00:23Okie dokie, and there we have it.
00:28And that is how you do drag makeup to a professional standard.
00:33Thank you for volunteering, Gary.
00:35I don't actually remember volunteering.
00:37Ok, so now that Gary is the drag queen, he's going to need a drag queen name.
00:42So, look at Gary and tell me what you think his drag name would be.
00:48Any suggestions?
00:51Donna Kebab.
00:53It's good, Harrison. It's not the one.
00:57Trish Kebab.
00:58No.
01:00Claire Kebab?
01:01No, nothing to do with kebabs.
01:03No, in actual fact, Gary's official drag name would be Sue Syphilis.
01:11Yeah, there we go.
01:15Well, thank you all for coming today and I guess I'll see you all tonight at the first ever LGBTQ
01:22plus network social.
01:24And remember, it's the Wizard of Oz theme, so I want to see an effort please.
01:30Sorry Dicky, is it compulsory?
01:33Only if you're not homophobic.
01:36Any more questions?
01:38Yeah, I've got a question.
01:39Why is there no straight network?
01:41What?
01:42It's the same with gay pride.
01:43You know, there's no straight pride, so why do you need a gay pride?
01:48I want to know why we need pride, Trev?
01:52I'll tell you.
01:53We need pride because queer people are being persecuted for decades.
01:59We need it because we still can't walk down the street holding the hands of the people we love without
02:05looking over our shoulders in case there's someone there to beat the shit out of us.
02:08We need it because trans people's very existence is still being debated.
02:13And we need it because in certain parts of the world there are literally people getting stoned to death just
02:19for being gay.
02:21Pride isn't just a gay party, Trev.
02:24It's a fight.
02:26A fight for our right to simply exist!
02:32Alright, I get all of that bollocks but if you want equality like you say you do then surely there
02:37should be a straight network.
02:39You what?
02:40A straight network.
02:42Set one up yourself then, Trev.
02:44Set one up yourself, go for your life if I care.
02:46Alright then I will.
02:47I'll set one up and it'll actually be fun, not just boring lectures.
02:51Oh, I'll join.
02:52And me.
02:54Excuse me, did you not just hear my impassioned gay speech?
02:58Here, what are you wearing tonight then?
03:02Well...
03:05I'm here for a good time, not a long time, so make me feel alive, come on.
03:12And it's for a good time, not a long time, so make me feel alive, come on.
03:19And it's for a good time, not a long time, come on, make me feel alive, come on.
03:25Cheers, Queers!
03:26Cheers!
03:29Hey, I'm proper getting on it tonight, me.
03:31Oh yeah!
03:32Oh yeah!
03:33Absolutely fucking proactive.
03:34What about you, Stuart? Are you getting on it or are you not getting on it?
03:37I might not be getting on it too much, to be honest, ma'am.
03:40I booked an art exhibition at Mima in the morning.
03:45Right, well my DJ set's about to start upstairs in a couple of minutes.
03:48Any special requests?
03:50Anything by anya, please, ma'am.
03:52Oooh, can I borrow these earrings, Sticky Hut?
03:55Oh, er, afraid not, babes.
03:57Yeah, why?
03:58Well, last time you borrowed my jewellery, you lost it.
04:00What are you even on about?
04:02My Heart of the Ocean necklace.
04:04You threw it in the river!
04:04You were the one who threw it in the river!
04:06Regardless, of who threw it in the river, I'm now left without a heart.
04:09Oh, stop fighting, you two!
04:11You know what time it is?
04:13You know what time is it, ma'am?
04:14It's time we put on our ruby slippers, clicked our heels, and got to the Emerald friggin' city!
04:19Yeah!
04:20Yeah!
04:22Yeah!
04:22Yeah!
04:36Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
04:51Fuck me, I've gone blind.
04:54I have a feeling we're not in Borough anymore.
04:57Sorry I'm late.
04:59I'm surprised to see you, Elaine.
05:01After you called in sick today.
05:03Oh, right.
05:09Mother needs some medicine.
05:22Excuse me.
05:23Sorry, you scared me.
05:26Oh, no way.
05:28Can I ask what you've come as?
05:30Um, yeah, I'm meant to be the scarecrow.
05:36I'm afraid that's impossible.
05:38Because I'm the scarecrow.
05:40Well, I guess there might be a few scarecrow tonight, you know, with the whole Wizard of Oz theme.
05:47Over my dead fucking mind.
05:50Right.
05:51I just need to go.
05:53Yeah.
06:03Er, Penny.
06:04What the fucking hell's this?
06:06Just got another booking in.
06:07What of it?
06:08Do you not think it's a bit inappropriate to take a booking for a straight network in a gay bar?
06:12I don't mind straight people, me babes.
06:14Some of my best mates are straight.
06:20Er, what are you doing, Trev?
06:22This is a gay bar.
06:24You've literally got every slug and lettuce in the world to do your straight network event.
06:27It's a free equal country, isn't it?
06:30Besides, don't you know what date is today?
06:31No, I don't know what date is today.
06:34It's only beauty straight pride.
06:36Wahey!
06:37Ah!
06:38Dickhead.
06:55Still feeling sick, Elaine?
06:57Yes, I'm feeling sick.
06:59Sick of the third degree.
07:02Whoa!
07:04Is everybody having an absolutely incredible time at the LGBTQ per set work store show?
07:11Okay.
07:12Well, it's about to get even better.
07:18Conga!
07:19Turn on.
07:28Turn on.
07:33Turn on.
07:54This is the fullest country I've ever been involved in.
08:05It's not too late to join the land of Oz, Trev.
08:08I'm all good in Kansas.
08:09Thanks, mate.
08:10It's not fair.
08:13Hey, Neil.
08:14It's Conga.
08:15Ooh, Conga.
08:17All right, Trev.
08:18Now then, Neil.
08:19Happy straight pride.
08:20Was it straight pride today?
08:23Oh, well, we cargo shorts have had realised.
08:26Here you go, hon.
08:27Now then, Lucinda.
08:28Always a pleasure.
08:29Pleasure, Trev.
08:30I take it you've told her then, mate?
08:31Told me what?
08:32Oops, my bad.
08:33Told me what?
08:35Well, well, I am.
08:36Well, you might as well just show her now.
08:38Come on.
08:40Are you actually kidding me?
08:43Lucinda, it's not what it looks like.
08:45It's a tattoo of your ex's name.
08:47Okay, it is kind of what it looks like.
08:49But I didn't choose it.
08:50We were playing tattoo roulette.
08:52What the hell is tattoo roulette?
08:54Oh, it's hilarious.
08:55You'd love it.
08:56You secretly choose a tattoo from me, and then they have to get it tattooed onto them.
09:00Obviously, he didn't know what it was until I saw it.
09:03Why on earth would you get him a tattoo of his ex's name?
09:05Well, if I'm being completely honest, I just think that Neil and Tanya are more suited to each other.
09:10You're not helping Trev.
09:12It was a game.
09:13A very stupid game.
09:15Look, I had to get him one as well.
09:18Well, that's a really nice one.
09:20Thank you very much.
09:22Why didn't you get him a massive one right across his back of, like, a big turd?
09:26Or a hairy ball sack?
09:27Or a rotten toenail?
09:29Or a deer that's been run over by a lorry and it's got to splatter all over the road
09:32and all the baby deer sat around the corpse crying?
09:36I guess I didn't really think.
09:39Lucinda, please.
09:40Oh, let her go, mate.
09:42Look, if she can't take a small tattoo of your ex's name, then she's not worth it.
09:46Hey, now that you're single, do you want me to see if Tanya will go for a drink with you?
09:49Not cool, Trev.
09:52Lucinda, please.
09:59Fuckin' hell.
10:04Sapphires, I can feel the energy tonight and I friggin' love it!
10:10Now, I'm here all night, so any requests, come and see your mum.
10:14Anything goes, as long as it's camp and tears!
10:32Get up there, you bastard!
10:41What's happened to me, Dex?
10:48I am horse!
10:53Penny?
10:54What's going on?
10:56Where are my heterosexuals at tonight?
11:03We're here, we're straight, we're really fuckin' great!
11:10I recognise that voice.
11:14Stop where you are!
11:17Back away from the counter!
11:23Surprise!
11:29Happy straight pride, bitches!
11:35Nan, my man, thank you so much for stepping in last minute for straight pride!
11:40Anything for a good cause, flower.
11:43What the hell are you doing here?
11:45I've got a DJ gig.
11:47A girl's gotta wait.
11:48And see, it's impossible!
11:49I've been booked a DJ the whole night!
11:51The world doesn't revolve around you!
11:54Even though there is a gravitational pull around that big fat arse of yours!
12:05It's bad!
12:07The hell is she doing, Penny?
12:09I thought I was the only DJ on tonight.
12:10Don't get me involved, ma'am.
12:11I'm not gonna be the biggest.
12:13That should stand straight pride.
12:19Right then, you fuckin' legends!
12:22Happy straight pride!
12:24The drinks are on me tonight!
12:26And help yourself to a badge!
12:28Ooh!
12:31Hey, that's a lot of badges, Alain.
12:34What are you, the badge police?
12:36The fuck, Gary?
12:41It was a lot of badges.
12:49I had no time to keep on.
12:59I can't take it on the gym.
13:01Free as much!
13:02No!
13:03No!
13:07How are you feeling about Trev taking over your social event and showing everyone a much better
13:12time?
13:12It's surprisingly not great, Moiré.
13:15Well, I'll sit with you for a bit out of pity,
13:18but Trev said we're playing beer pong soon
13:20and I've genuinely never felt more excited.
13:23Wow, I'm eternally grateful, babe.
13:26Hey, Moiré, you in on this beer pong or what?
13:29Go on then, piss it off.
13:35You, uh, you're not joining the beer pong over to Trev Pride, Marcus.
13:39No, no, no, I'm not a big beer drinker, really.
13:42Oh, how's your gay son getting on?
13:45Oh, he's still gay, thank you.
13:47Ah, that's good.
13:51Mind if I join?
13:52Where have you been?
13:54Blame Bobby, loves making me late.
13:58Loving a costume.
14:00What are you meant to be?
14:01I'm a slutty tin man.
14:03I'm going to suit you.
14:06What are you after, Harrison? Why are you being nice to me?
14:08I'm just being friendly.
14:12Also, if I'm being honest,
14:14I'm so bored of the awkwardness between us.
14:17We see each other every day at work.
14:19Isn't it time we put all this behind us now?
14:22I suppose you're right.
14:24Yeah, do you remember that night we came here,
14:26and there was that gadget singing Defying Gravity on the karaoke,
14:29and when he went for the i-notes, then just popped out.
14:33Oh my, that was funny as fuck.
14:35I was dying.
14:40How are you then, babe?
14:42I want a good dance.
14:50Whoa!
14:50Ho ho ho!
14:53Ho ho ho!
14:53Ho ho ho!
14:54Ho ho ho!
14:58Uh, do it!
15:00You're a scraggly little gay lad!
15:02Why you at straight pride?
15:04Sorry Dickie, turns out I just
15:06really love the upon.
15:08Straight pride is for everyone Dickie!
15:10All lives matter.
15:12No, no boys.
15:14Oh.
15:16Whaaaaa!
15:18Come on!
15:19And another thing,
15:20there's bloody green face paint everywhere
15:22upstairs.
15:24She's not even a very good DJ.
15:26I bet you she plays Sweet Caroline at least five times
15:28tonight.
15:30And you know what really pisses me off?
15:34Firstly, I want to apologise.
15:38No, erm,
15:38let me just start by saying I know what I did
15:40was wrong, but just hear me out.
15:45I know
15:47I'm the last person you want to see,
15:50but...
15:55Get this luck down your necks!
15:58As long as you are in my network,
16:00you won't pay a penny for a drink tonight!
16:04Hey, I tell you what,
16:05you wouldn't get this in the gear network,
16:08would you?
16:14Listen up everyone!
16:19Somebody in this bar tonight
16:21has stolen my luck!
16:23There's only one scarecrow,
16:26and it's me!
16:28But what's standing there
16:29is a...
16:31break!
16:33Shame on you.
16:37Chelsea, Chelsea!
16:39I'm with you!
16:40When your house sounds cold
16:41and suddenly sleep
16:42The boys can't hold me
16:44How do you leave?
16:46Look!
16:46Any scary scarecrows in there?
16:50He's not here.
16:53You alright, Sal?
16:54What are you doing down here?
16:55Tell you the truth,
16:56I'm a bit stressed about Danny.
16:59I know I like to break up with her,
17:01but...
17:01every time I try to do it,
17:03something stops me.
17:04I'm such a coward.
17:07Hey!
17:08You're not a coward, Sal.
17:09It'd be hard for anyone in your situation.
17:11You've been with her for years.
17:13I just wish I had...
17:14a bit more courage.
17:17You have plenty of courage, Sal.
17:19And if I learned anything from coming out,
17:22it's that...
17:23the more you think about doing something scary,
17:26the longer you'll put it off.
17:38You know what, Stu?
17:40I think I just found it.
17:42What?
17:42My courage.
17:43It was at the bottom of that ninth pint.
17:45I'm gonna go and do it now
17:46before I chicken out.
17:48Gee, go on, Sal.
17:49I'm buzzing for you.
17:52You coming back up?
17:53No, I think I'll just stay down here for a bit.
17:55Suit yourself, Ferb.
18:01Oh, my God.
18:07Actually, I think I might head back up.
18:11Don't be scared.
18:12Don't be scared.
18:13Don't be scared.
18:19Don't be scared.
18:19Treb.
18:23Sorry, Gary.
18:25I thought you said you were having a nice time
18:26at the LGBTQ plus network social.
18:29So why on earth have you come over here?
18:31Oh, sorry, Dicky.
18:32I just had there was free drinks in this area
18:34and, well, money's a bit tight at the moment.
18:37Yeah, I don't need a sob.
18:37Sorry, Gary.
18:39I need an ally.
18:40Oi!
18:41Leave him alone.
18:42Gary wants to be over here.
18:44Isn't that right, Gary?
18:45Well, er...
18:46He's only over here
18:47because you're bribing him with free drinks.
18:49You'd prefer to be over there.
18:51Isn't that right, Gary?
18:52Well, I just feel that maybe I could move between both areas.
18:56Get up.
18:56Nah.
18:57Sorry, impossible, I'm afraid.
19:15Gay or straight?
19:17Sorry?
19:17Gay or straight?
19:21Oh, er...
19:22Well, I'm very much an ally, but I suppose I'm straight.
19:27Straight pride's at the back of the room.
19:30Oh, well...
19:31Actually, I was just looking for someone.
19:40But I won't get one for you.
19:41You want to do some mixes tonight, babes?
19:42Oh, no.
19:43I'm okay, thanks.
19:52He wants to be in the gay network, don't you, Gary?
19:54No!
19:55No!
19:55He wants to be in the spray network, don't you, Gary?
19:58I don't mind that, I know it!
20:03Dance, my pretties!
20:04Please!
20:09Damn me, you bastard!
20:16I'm good.
20:17Give me, give me, give me, give me a hand.
20:20Give me, give me, give me a hand.
20:24Give me the water.
20:34Goal!
20:36Tonight!
20:38Goal!
20:39Goal!
20:40Goal!
20:54Goal!
20:56Goal!
20:58Hey!
20:59Packity!
21:01You two are going to have to decide amongst yourselves who's DJing,
21:04because I'm not having this all night!
21:07Well, it's my face on the poster,
21:09so she can just fickety-fuckety all the way home!
21:11I've been booked for this important charity event,
21:14which helps support the poor, unfortunate heterosexuals at Teesside.
21:19So I think we can all agree who should stay, hmm?
21:22And who should go.
21:26Ta-ta, ma'am!
21:31What the bloody hell is she doing here?
21:34Please, talk to me.
21:36There's nothing to talk about!
21:38You took my son away from me!
21:40No, you can't keep running away!
21:49It's not what it sounds like.
21:53Who's for sweet Caroline?
21:58Do you want a shot for a fiver, babe?
22:01No.
22:02I think I should probably go, actually.
22:06Suit yourself.
22:07No, no.
22:08No, no, no!
22:08No, no, no, no, no, no!
22:29What am I doing here, or what are you doing here?
22:41I don't know what you're talking about Dickie, it's quite simply a massive coincidence that
23:03you've decided to host your gay event at the same place that we happen to be celebrating
23:07Strip Pride!
23:09I'm a liar Trev, you're just doing this because you can't bear us gays having a voice.
23:13It's got nothing to do with the gays Dickie, I love the gays me.
23:17What's the point in all this pettiness?
23:20It's you mate.
23:22Me?
23:22You think you're convinced around the office controlling everyone, making us call your stupid
23:27little meetings, forcing us to your pathetic little tings?
23:31What's the matter babes, you ordered a few too many, er, rimes?
23:49I think it's going later, I think better.
23:52Penny!
23:53You've got to run it!
24:04Fuckin' hell.
24:05Pay up, prick!
24:08Ow!
24:12You smell wonderful, Elaine.
24:15You keep stepping on my feet.
24:17Sorry.
24:17No.
24:19I like it.
24:22Don't smile, Carrie.
24:23It's creepy.
24:27It's a pig!
24:28I've got me Wallah!
24:29I've got me Wallah!
24:35I've got me Wallah!
24:35Hey, what a bloody night.
24:37How you feeling, Mum?
24:39I don't really know, to be honest, Chick.
24:43Why do you think she's back?
24:47Oh, she doesn't really know.
24:47Leave her be!
24:51Oh.
24:53What happened with the other scarecrow, Stuart?
24:55That was all a bit weird, wasn't it?
24:56He, er, not sure.
24:58I think he must have left before we did.
25:01Oh, Sal.
25:02Oh, Sal.
25:05How'd it go?
25:07I mean, it wasn't great, lads.
25:09But it's done.
25:11Sorry, Sal.
25:11Can I just check?
25:12You, er, you went and broke up with Danny dressed like that?
25:16Yeah.
25:17Good for you, girl!
25:19Are you, er, sleeping here tonight?
25:22If you don't mind, Mum.
25:23Of course not, Chick.
25:24You can stay as long as you like.
25:27Hey.
25:29Do you know what's funny?
25:30What?
25:30Stuart went really method tonight with his scarecrow costume.
25:34Because...
25:35Because he doesn't have a brain.
25:39I...
25:39I don't get it.
25:41You know, like the film.
25:43Oh.
25:44I've actually never seen it.
25:58Haha, very funny.
26:01Can you let me in now, please?
26:04Dickie?
26:06Mum?
26:20Nipple Aid.
26:21A charity football match.
26:23Semi-professionals versus celebrities.
26:25The celebrities include Cher, Prince Harry, Liza Minnelli, Elton John and Stevie Wonder.
26:30They're lookalikes.
26:32Be there.
26:34When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
26:46Oh, I love the ripe stench of a football ground.
26:50Sniff it in.
26:53Smells a bit funky, Mum.
26:54Oh, beautiful, isn't it?
26:57Reminds me of my days managing in the big leagues.
27:00Oh, God, I miss it.
27:01You're managing a team today, though.
27:03I know, chick.
27:04But managing celebrity lookalikes in a charity match.
27:07Sadly, at the Riverside Stadium.
27:09Oh, dear.
27:10We're number one and we're the team.
27:13The greatest thing you've ever seen.
27:17What the bloody hell have you two come as?
27:20I'm glad you've asked, ma'am, as it's a fascinating story.
27:24So, remember when we all went to Yarm Fair last year?
27:26Oh, yeah.
27:27Well, me and Lucinda popped and got our fortunes read.
27:29Yeah, and she told us both separately that we were going to marry a footballer and become wags.
27:33Hey, it was a Gypsy Rose Pam.
27:35Oh, my God, yeah.
27:36I love that bitch.
27:38She actually told me the same thing.
27:40Hey, no way.
27:41I can't believe there's going to be three wags in our friendship group.
27:44Have you maybe thought that she tells the same shit to everyone?
27:46Gypsy Rose Pam wouldn't do that.
27:49Anyway, as you know, we don't frequent football matches very much.
27:53So, there's a very good chance this is the day we meet our footballer husbands.
27:58That's what we thought. Best dress for the occasion.
28:00Yeah, and this outfit is also very good for my signature picking up lads move.
28:06Oh, yeah. What move is that?
28:07I'll show you.
28:09You place the brick near the lads you fancy.
28:14And then...
28:19Ouchie!
28:20Who put that brick there?
28:21Yeah.
28:22And then the lad will help you roll and start a conversation about the brick.
28:29Oh! Stuart's here!
28:30Hello. You alright?
28:32Oh, he's looking a bit better than usual as he had a bit of Botox.
28:36What's with the stomach churning costume, Stu?
28:39Well, I'm...
28:41Ozzy the Octopus!
28:44He's the mascot for the charity match.
28:46I pulled a few strings to get him in.
28:47It's something I've always wanted to do. I'm proper buzzing!
28:53Now then, ma'am!
28:54Oh! Oh, in chick! Mwah! Mwah!
28:57Oh, baby, it's true!
29:00You're the one that I've been here waiting for.
29:03Yes, you know it better, and it's true!
29:06So good to see you.
29:07Oh, you too.
29:08I'm not going to see you in the place, Amsla, yeah?
29:10Absolutely, chick.
29:11It'll last him a bit.
29:12Yeah, in a bit!
29:12What's up, Brickle, yeah?
29:15Erm, who was that man?
29:17That was Owen Shennington.
29:19Oh, he's a very talented player.
29:21Very sturdy thighs.
29:22Adam's Apple out to here.
29:24He's playing for the semi-pros today.
29:27Gypsy Rose Pam was right.
29:29It was love at first sight.
29:32Dickie Shennington.
29:34He's got a ring to it.
29:35Erm, this is a bit awkward, hon,
29:37but I think that one was for me.
29:42Erm...
29:42Sorry, I think you've mistaken Lucinda
29:44because he was very much looking at me.
29:46Wanna bet?
29:48Yeah, but do actually.
29:49Tennis says he's the love of my life.
29:51Make it twenty?
29:52Make it fifty, bitch!
29:53Deal?
29:53Deal!
30:00Hola, ma'am.
30:01Hola, Pablo!
30:03Que tan ilusinado estas hoy?
30:06Verás que divertido sera el partido.
30:10Tengo mucha ilusión.
30:12Pues venga.
30:13Cuidado con ese ladrillo.
30:16Er...
30:16Ma'am?
30:18Who was that?
30:19Pablo Corfeo!
30:21Lovely Spanish fella.
30:22Very good in defense.
30:26What, you saw staring at?
30:27I don't know what to tell you this, babe,
30:29but you and Pablo Corzello are the spit of each other.
30:32Eee!
30:33Now you've come to mention it,
30:34there is a bit of a similarity.
30:36A bit?!
30:38Howie, then?
30:38Let's go to the players' lounge.
30:39Your mother needs a sherry.
30:41Yay!
30:47Hold me break.
30:57All right, ma'am.
30:58How are you, chick?
30:59How are you getting on?
31:00Are you still with Kelly?
31:01She dumped me.
31:02Oh, fuck her.
31:02Tell us.
31:06Sorry hun, we're just with her.
31:08Only people involved in the charity match are allowed in the lounge today.
31:11Oh, er...
31:12We are involved in the charity match.
31:15Apologies.
31:16So how is it exactly that you're involved?
31:19Erm...
31:19Well, er...
31:20I'm actually the spouse of one of the players.
31:23You probably know him.
31:24Er...
31:24Owen Shennington.
31:26Yeah, I'm...
31:26I'm Dickie Shennington.
31:28Oh, aye.
31:29So what position does he play?
31:32Come again?
31:33Well, if you know Owen so well,
31:34you'll be able to tell me what position he is.
31:37Yeah.
31:40Erm...
31:40Versatile?
31:42Lads, I don't think we're getting any of you.
31:44Let's just go to the bar and the stands.
31:46I'm gagging for a Bev.
31:47I'm not missing my chance to become Teesside's number one wagon.
31:51You do you, Bev.
31:54Listen.
31:56I get that you don't want to let scum like that in.
32:01But I'm a classy girl.
32:03I recently got back from...
32:06Balmoral.
32:08Not today, love.
32:10How weird a kid.
32:14Welcome, Charity Match fans.
32:16My name's Geoff Stelling.
32:17I'm here with the incomparable Chris Kamara
32:20and the unsurpassable Steph McGovern.
32:23We're down here live at Pitchside for this year's charity game
32:26in support of Nipple Aid.
32:28That's right.
32:28Your donations will help people across the globe
32:31who are born with extra nipples.
32:33A charity close to my heart.
32:36Literally.
32:37I have a third nipple.
32:39Just here.
32:40Cammy, how many nipples have you got?
32:42Just the one, Geoff!
32:44Nipple Aid.
32:44Not everyone has two.
32:48Ooh.
32:48Hiya, chick.
32:49Where you all at over there is a lovely spread on in here.
32:53Ma'am.
32:53This job's worth on the door isn't letting us into the lounge.
32:56Is Owen in there?
32:57Er.
32:58He is, chick.
32:59Can you just tell him from me, then?
33:01I miss him.
33:02And that we'll be together soon.
33:05Ooh, the quality of these soundies.
33:07He's better than friggin' Marxies.
33:09You what?
33:14Well, what did she say?
33:16Something about sandwiches.
33:17I'm sure that when word reaches Owen
33:19that the love of his life is stuck in the corridor,
33:21it'll come straight out.
33:22Do you really think I'm the love of his life?
33:24I was talking about me, Lucinda.
33:25What are you really getting on my tits today?
33:27Well, you're really getting on my tits.
33:29What was he, lad?
33:30How you doing?
33:31Get yourself in there.
33:32Look!
33:33He's just like Stuart in.
33:35Oh, he's was he!
33:37We need to somehow get that octopus costume.
33:39That's the only way we're going to get in this pigging lounge
33:41with that shit rag bouncy.
33:43Yeah, but how are we going to get the costume?
33:44Stuart's wearing it.
33:47Follow me.
33:52So?
33:53Oh, hiya, little babe.
33:54Didn't expect to see you here.
33:56I never miss a charity match, matey.
33:58Do you mind if I join?
33:59Yeah, of course.
34:03You're looking amazing, Sal.
34:05You're like proper glowing.
34:06Have you got a new skincare routine?
34:08No different than my usual saltwater and marjorie.
34:11I do feel different though, to be honest.
34:14Kind of like a weight's been lifted.
34:17Oh, that's good.
34:18Is there any reason?
34:20Yeah, actually.
34:22I broke up with Danny.
34:24Oh.
34:27Oh.
34:32I've never done this before, but...
34:35Would you maybe like to...
34:36I don't know.
34:37Go out for a drink sometime?
34:41Babe!
34:41You were so right to bring me to this place.
34:45What a shithole.
34:46I'm going to be able to get so much content.
34:48Oh.
34:49It's you.
34:50Sorry, I forgot to mention Arabella's here.
34:52Room for a little one.
34:53Oh.
34:55You know, now that we've started seeing each other now,
34:58I think that I'm going to start saying that I'm working class.
35:02It's probably going to get me more work, am I right?
35:05Oh.
35:07I have limited opportunities.
35:11You know, now you lot have said about Lucinda and Pablo Kov,
35:14they are looking like each other.
35:15I can't unsee it.
35:18Liza Minnelli.
35:19She'll shoot off down the wing without the ball.
35:21It's proper uncanny, isn't it?
35:23Ooh.
35:23Cress me in ears.
35:25Oh!
35:26Oh!
35:27Oh!
35:29Huh?
35:38Emergency.
35:46Why the hell weren't you answering your phone, Stuart?
35:48I'm working Lucinda, it's in my locker.
35:51What's the emergency?
35:53We've got something really important to tell you.
35:55What is it?
35:57Not here.
36:03Tell me what's going on, you're scaring me.
36:05We need your octopus outfit on.
36:07But why?
36:08I'm Ozzy the octopus.
36:09It's the only way we can get into the players lounge.
36:11Why do you need to go to the players lounge?
36:13My future husband is in there.
36:14No, my future husband is in there.
36:17Hey!
36:18Right, come on.
36:19Come on, Stuart.
36:21It's best if you don't struggle.
36:22What a bit!
36:24If you've lost the ball, give him back.
36:27My head!
36:28Well, if you've never watched a charity match before,
36:31I suppose we'd better explain a little about what you can expect today, Steph.
36:35Yeah, it's dead simple, Geoff.
36:37It's basically semi-professional footballers versus celebrity look-alikes
36:41and they have a big ol' game of footy.
36:42Come on, are you excited about today's game?
36:45No, not really.
37:08Hello, Sir Elton John. How's your husband, David Furnish?
37:13Oh, no. It's actually me.
37:16It's Neil!
37:18I would never have known.
37:19Well, I did hear on the grapevine that you're managing us look-alikes today, ma'am.
37:23I am indeed.
37:24I didn't know you impersonated Sir Elton.
37:26I mainly do the earlier hits.
37:29I'm Melton John, I'm Melton John, then I think I'm going to eat a scone.
37:33You're such a selfish prick.
37:36Get off!
37:37Dickie, give me my costume back.
37:38I was really looking forward to being the mascot today.
37:40Oh, keep your hair on, Stuart.
37:42I'll get it back to you before the match starts.
37:44Don't believe you.
37:45Oh, you're doing it! Get off me!
37:50Dickie! Back at it, Stuart!
37:53Dickie!
37:54Dickie!
37:54Time to get my man!
37:57Dickie Shennington, here I come!
38:00No!
38:03Dickie?
38:04Hello?
38:06I'm a sign six.
38:07I know, I'm a bit of a minx.
38:10Oh!
38:11How are you getting on, Stuart?
38:16Nice.
38:17You've drawn.
38:18Here.
38:19You've got to try these sarnies.
38:21Oh!
38:21Oh!
38:24There he is.
38:27Ma'am, I was just wondering.
38:29Is Lucinda here?
38:31She's here somewhere, aye.
38:33Well, I might see if I can find her.
38:35See if she'll hear me out.
38:37Don't be too long, Neil.
38:39I've got to give all you weird celebrity lookalikes a pep talk before the game starts.
38:44Listen, that is not Elton John.
38:46He's just an oddly passive man.
38:50Hi, Rowan!
38:53Oh, hi!
38:55Mmm!
38:57Mmm!
38:58Go, go, go.
38:58All right, all right.
38:59Let's get the brick out.
39:05Okay.
39:07Oh!
39:08Oh!
39:10Ouchie!
39:14What the heck?
39:23Excuse me?
39:24I need your football kit.
39:26Yeah, piss off your pedo.
39:27I'm not a pedo.
39:29Why do you want me to take my clothes off?
39:30It's hard to explain, but basically, it's a beautiful romantic story involving prophecy,
39:35destiny, and above all, love.
39:38Yeah, so you let your pedo.
39:39I'll give you fifty quid.
39:42Yeah, go on then.
39:50There you go.
39:53What the actual fuck?
39:55That is not Merlot.
39:56That's all they have, babe.
39:57No, sorry.
39:57Impossible.
39:58Excuse me.
40:01Sorry about it.
40:03So, you were still a proper...
40:06Yeah.
40:07It all happened quite quickly.
40:11Well, I'm really happy for you.
40:15I can't believe it.
40:16You were right.
40:17Honestly.
40:18Fuck this place.
40:19And you know the worst thing?
40:21They didn't even have any olives.
40:22I mean, like, what kind of dystopian nightmare are these people living in around here?
40:26Right.
40:27Deliveroo.
40:28Olives.
40:28Olives.
40:29Olives.
40:31Right, I know.
40:31tôiも grateful.
40:32I know there's a little bit of a sitting-ish, there's a chest that's out of here.
40:39Would you love to be?
40:45That's a different one.
40:48I could work in there.
40:48But I do have a трnen子 or a terceiro consiste.
40:49So, it's nice.
40:50Although I'd love you on line.
40:50I'd love you coming in here.
40:51I know there's just a little bit.
40:51Yeah, and I don...
40:58time to get my man can you believe that some people don't know what the offside
41:04rule is I know what it is it's my favorite rule actually
41:28ouchy
41:30Pablo, what are you doing?
41:32are you alright?
41:32thanks sir
41:39what are you Lucinda?
41:41stop trying to steal my moves
41:42stop trying to steal my man you homewrecked harlot
41:45yeah but it's not stealing when he already belongs to me
41:48right semi-pros
41:49let's get you all down to the changing room for a pre-match chat please
41:52come on Pablo
41:54and I think you better be getting down to the pitch mate
41:56all the kids will wanna see Ozzy the octopus
41:59oh shit
42:00I'll wait Pablo
42:03thanks sir
42:04oh fuck hell
42:07may the best mum win
42:09go on
42:11kiss it
42:16break a leg lads
42:19be it
42:20hello
42:22let me out
42:28you can really feel the excitement as we edge closer to kick off here
42:33have you got a prediction of the results Steph?
42:35yeah I think the celebrities might do well here you know because I've seen Cher play a charity match in
42:40Swansea
42:40she's got a fantastic aim so don't write them off
42:43and Cami have you got a prediction?
42:45I think AI will take over the planet and destroy the human race
42:52this car park is too full
42:55this car park is too full
42:58Lucinda!
42:59hey
43:02we need to hash this out once and for all
43:06come here
43:07come here
43:08Lucinda
43:12stay there
43:13come here
43:14come here
43:15come here
43:17come here
43:17come here
43:17come here
43:17come here
43:18come here
43:19come here
43:19come here
43:20why are you still in here Stuart?
43:21you locked me in here
43:22and give me back my costume
43:24you know you've really got a nerve Lucinda
43:26yeah
43:26I can't hear what you're saying with this thing on my head
43:29you sound Spanish for fuck's sake
43:31yeah I don't think this is Lucinda Dickie
43:33I don't even know what language you're speaking to it
43:36what?
43:38hey
43:39no
43:40no
43:40it's not
43:42oh
43:42it's time for me to get my wagon
43:44hey
43:45no
43:45not again
43:49hola
43:51are we all clear on the strategy?
43:54well let's get out there
43:55and take down those fake celebrity wankers
43:59and get them in
44:01yeah
44:01yeah
44:04so
44:05are you doing anything after this?
44:08but you are supporting
44:09St Pablo I think you've got the wrong idea you know mate
44:12I'm cool with everyone being where they wanna be and all that but
44:15I'm not actually gay mate
44:17no
44:18wait
44:18I think you've got the wrong idea
44:19this isn't
44:20right lads
44:21time to go
44:22bring it in
44:23bring it in
44:25come on
44:25are you ready?
44:261
44:262
44:273
44:28go
44:29incluso
44:30heeeel
44:32my cartpack is too full
44:34my cartpack is too full
44:36ayooona
44:37please
44:38please
44:39ayooona
44:41finally
44:43thank you Santo & John
44:44Where the hell is Dicky with my costume?
44:47Lucinda!
44:48Wow, you've really gone all out for this match.
44:50Look, I know that sorry is a proper hard word.
44:54But I am truly sorry.
44:55I don't understand, bicho raro.
44:58I need to go to the court.
44:59The game is about to start.
45:01What, Lucinda?
45:03Lucinda, please don't be like that!
45:11What did you get out of the cupboard?
45:13What are you on about?
45:14Never mind.
45:15Listen, where's Owen?
45:16I just need to have a quick word with him to confess my undying love.
45:19He's about to go onto the pitch, Dicky.
45:20And I'm sorry to tell you this, hon, but he's not gay.
45:24Wow.
45:24What a homophobic thing to say.
45:28Now, I know you're all worried about the semi-professionals,
45:31and it doesn't surprise me.
45:33They've got the talent.
45:34They've got the physical strength.
45:36But what is it you've got that they haven't?
45:39A slight resemblance to an airless celebrity.
45:41So forget about their ripped adonis bodies,
45:44and their fast athletic legs.
45:46Get out there.
45:47And crush him!
45:49Yeah!
45:52Yes, Stevie Wonder.
45:54Anybody know where Team Captain Sir Elton John is?
45:59I'm Team Captain Sir Elton John, and I'm locked in a cupboard.
46:03Please!
46:06Neverland!
46:07Neverland!
46:10Neverland!
46:10Fucking help me!
46:11No, no, no, I'm sorry.
46:13I tried, but this is absolutely not for me.
46:16Neverland!
46:16Excuse me!
46:19Neverland!
46:22Neverland!
46:24Neverland!
46:25Neverland!
46:26Neverland!
46:27Who?
46:27I know it was you who took my dearly dunkers!
46:30Urgh!
46:31Don't walk away from me, Lucinda!
46:33Let's discuss this like agile.
46:35I am not having this conversation while you're dressed as Ozzy the fucking octopus!
46:40Hey, Cammie, that shirt.
46:42I wish I had the name and address of her plastic surgeon.
46:46Unbelievable, Geoff!
46:47And I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to.
46:49Owen Shennington on the pitch.
46:51There's a lot of talent in that lad.
46:52You've always done this to me!
46:54What are you even on about?
46:55Tried stealing the lads I like!
46:56Are you actually joking me?
46:57When have I ever stolen a lad from you?
46:59Er, Ryan Jones.
47:00Oh, come off then.
47:01You weren't ever serious with Ryan.
47:02And anyway, he was the one who asked me for a blow in H&M.
47:05Urgh!
47:07What are you doing, you crazy bitch?
47:08That's my head!
47:10Oh!
47:10Give it back, dickhead!
47:12Nah, nah.
47:13Over here, please.
47:15I've got no beds.
47:18What the fuck is Steph?
47:20But Govan got a commentating job here.
47:21What does she know about football?
47:23The brown-nosing cow.
47:26Do you know what?
47:27Why is that you put that finger where the sun doesn't fucking shine?
47:31What?
47:31Come out here.
47:32We'll talk about it out here.
47:34Yeah, you're scared in your little box, aren't you?
47:36Er...
47:37You okay, Steph?
47:39Just give us a minute, Cammie.
47:42Give it back!
47:51What?
47:52Have I got something on my face?
47:56I know I shouldn't, and...
47:58This is probably the wrong time.
48:02But...
48:08What were you saying, Mel?
48:14What?
48:15You're about to go on the pitch, for Christ's sake!
48:18What?
48:19In you get!
48:21What have you got that far?
48:24Bloody modern footballers!
48:26Ladies and gentlemen, the players are in the tunnel.
48:28Put your hands together, and make some noise, and welcome our two teams onto the pitch!
48:32Come on, Semi-Pros!
48:33Let's have you!
48:34Get out there!
48:34Let's give it to them!
48:36Come on!
48:38It's Semi-Pros vs. Celebrity!
48:40And back in a little bit nicer today for the Semi-Pros, is Pablo DiColedelo!
48:46Come on!
48:47Come on, onto the pitch!
48:48That's it!
48:48We're thrilled, come on!
48:49With what promises to be a fantastic charity footballer, all in support of an incredible
48:54cause!
48:55Pablo Corzello's warming up!
48:57I think he looks a bit unsure, you know!
48:58I think he's slaying!
49:01Let's make it a match to remember, and most importantly, let's make a difference!
49:06Stevie!
49:06Stevie!
49:07It's that way!
49:09Oh, okay!
49:12That's it!
49:13Pass it!
49:13Oh, great pass!
49:14Well done!
49:19And Corzello's called a time-out!
49:22That's not even a thing in football!
49:24I love it!
49:26Go on, lad!
49:27Gentle, no, no hard tackles!
49:30Come on!
49:34Minnelli!
49:35Liza Minnelli!
49:36Come on!
49:37Get in the game!
49:38Should've got Streisand!
49:40Liza Minnelli's in great form today!
49:42Yeah, you're not wrong Jeff, she's created some cracking moments there!
49:45She was spectacular in cabaret!
49:49Liza!
49:50Liza!
49:51Pass it to share!
49:53What the hell was that?
49:54Oh, you moron!
49:55He was open there!
49:58You told me you were good!
49:59Master Prince Harry!
50:02Don't wave!
50:03Prince Harry!
50:04You're nothing like him!
50:05You've got the language in your hair!
50:07No!
50:08No!
50:09No!
50:09No!
50:09Back floor!
50:11You're bloody useless!
50:12I love you!
50:13Useless!
50:14Oh man!
50:16Are you chicken?
50:18You alright love?
50:18Because...
50:22Stop throwing my head around you fucking monsters!
50:27Dicky!
50:28Give me my octopus costume back!
50:32Owen!
50:33Owen!
50:36Call me!
50:37Hey!
50:37What are you doing man?
50:38No!
50:38Owen call me!
50:40Dicky!
50:42Give me Ozzy!
50:49Hey!
50:50Hey!
50:52Hey!
50:52Hey!
50:53Hey!
50:54Hey!
50:56Hey!
51:04It looks like Ozzy the Octopus is on the pitch now!
51:07I'm not talking to you!
51:08I'm not talking to you either!
51:10And he's being chased by some tiny little gay seller!
51:13Give me my octopus back!
51:14Maybe I should go to Specsavers guys because there appear to be two Pablo Corzellos on the pitch!
51:21Info score!
51:22Listen!
51:23I must have missed that Jeff!
51:26That thing out of here do we?
51:27Hey!
51:28Come back!
51:29Hey!
51:30Get off that pitch where I frigging batter you!
51:32What are you?
51:33Oh!
51:34And these aren't there to yours?
51:35Yeah!
51:36What are they doing on there?
51:37You leave them alone!
51:38Oh!
51:39You think it are!
51:40You're gone!
51:41Yeah!
51:44You like that?
51:46Do your friends normally like this?
51:48As a matter of fact they are, yeah.
51:51Owen!
51:51Owen!
51:52Owen!
51:53I know it's embarrassing isn't it?
51:55What are you apologising for?
51:57It's class!
51:59Owen!
52:00Owen!
52:01Owen!
52:01Owen!
52:02Owen!
52:03I don't like Owen, please!
52:06Owen!
52:07Owen!
52:07Owen!
52:07Owen!
52:09Owen!
52:11Owen!
52:12What the actual fuck?
52:13I thought you were following me?
52:15I've just been sat in the car for ages.
52:16Shit!
52:17Sorry babe!
52:18The windows were literally up!
52:24There are Ozzy!
52:29Where'd the rain?
52:30What's up?
52:30What's up buddy?
52:31Fuck it!
52:35Where'd the rain last?
52:37How'd the rain last?
52:38I can give it to Mr Sam!
52:41No!
52:44Have you ever seen anything like this?
52:46Only in theborough, Jeff!
52:48Leute, Dyssels!
52:48What's up buddy?
52:48Have you ever seen anything like this?
52:48Only in the Borough, Jeff.
52:48Oh, Jeff!
52:49You don't have to be mad to live here.
52:51But I'll tell you what, Jeff.
52:53It fucking helps!
53:06I'm Elton John, I'm Elton John,
53:08and I think everyone has...