- 4 days ago
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00:00I was engaged once.
00:10Really?
00:11Yeah.
00:12So if you ever need any advice, I had a wedding folder on everything.
00:14Thanks, but I'll be alright. It's not long to go now.
00:17She got me a nice engagement ring. Diamond solitaire. It's worth about 20 grand.
00:21Crikey.
00:22I mean, she stole it, as it turns out, and she was using me to transport it to Spain, but still.
00:26Aww.
00:27The police called me a donkey, which I thought was a bit harsh.
00:29A mule?
00:30A mule, yes, that was it.
00:31Aww, it was a nice fort, though. And a lovely ring.
00:35See, I've got fingers for elegant jewellery. One day.
00:55Part of me thinks I should have a bob.
00:57A bob?
00:58Yeah.
00:59I've always wanted a bob. A good old dependable bob.
01:01Bob, bob, bob, bob, bob, bob.
01:03You don't have the face for a bob. It wouldn't suit you.
01:06Maybe it would.
01:07Maybe something a little less ordinary. You know, maybe a shag.
01:11A shag?
01:12I don't care. I've been thinking about that a lot recently.
01:15Choppy and erratic. Dangerous and wrong. Towsled by a bald man.
01:21Bob!
01:22Ah, Julie. Would you care for a cup of tea?
01:34Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was calling a senior police officer. I seem to have come through to Starbucks.
01:38You know, I've just made one, so it's no trouble.
01:40Trouble? Trouble?
01:41We are in trouble.
01:42Up to our tits, Bob.
01:43We've got to stop.
01:44Cunningham.
01:45If we can just find a way to get rid of that crazy bastard, then both of our jobs are safe.
01:49Do you understand?
01:50If you say so.
01:51Now, I hate to think of you as any sort of partner, but do you think that Cunningham might have any skeletons in his closet? I mean, literally would be ideal.
01:57Sir, you can ask him. He's right here. You're on speakerphone.
02:02Which weren't the exact words that Melanie said? And I said, Melanie, how dare you be so rude about our lovely...
02:11It's, um, wrong number, sir.
02:13Oh, my God!
02:15Taylor Swift writes the most incredible lyrics. She knows exactly how I feel. She's actually describing my life. It's incredible!
02:26I don't know how she does it.
02:27I really don't.
02:28It's my life!
02:32Dostoevsky? What's he? Special branch?
02:34He was writing phone-snatching reports when I knew him, and he goes and writes a training guide.
02:38Oh, my God! He's the biggest disaster in the world ever!
02:40Oh, no! Did Instagram go down for five minutes?
02:42No, it's worse. There's no music.
02:44Music doesn't exist.
02:45At the wedding, they've pulled out.
02:47Who have?
02:48Shit-hot red peppers.
02:49Never heard of them.
02:50They're a tribute band.
02:51Who are they a tribute to?
02:52Red Hot Chili Peppers.
02:53Oh, right. I thought you were going to say Coldplay.
02:55They're Jack's favourite band.
02:56Um, Chili Peppers, not Coldplay.
02:59I could sing for you.
03:00What?
03:01Yeah.
03:02I'll be your wedding singer.
03:05But seriously, what am I going to do?
03:07I can actually sing.
03:09Would you be, like, George Michael or, like, Robbie Williams?
03:13No, I'd just be myself, I think.
03:15A bit boring.
03:16No offence, but...
03:17How could I possibly be offended?
03:19What would you sing?
03:20I'd write you something.
03:22Especially for the occasion.
03:23You'd do that for me?
03:24Yeah.
03:25And I'd get Ed Sheeran to throw in a few lurks, because we're pretty close.
03:28Oh, they can do it now.
03:30They've managed to hire another van.
03:32Phew.
03:33Good, because, uh, I know Ed's pretty busy at the minute, so...
03:36Yeah, phew.
03:39That was really kind, though, that offer.
03:42I will sing.
03:43It's your next wedding.
03:44You had to go and spoil it, didn't you?
03:46Mm-hmm.
03:47So, excuse me, have you seen Melanie?
03:57She's about this tall, very plain-looking, a bit cardigan-y.
04:00I am Melanie.
04:02So, I didn't spot you there, under all that nonsense that...
04:07Ah!
04:08Ah!
04:09Is, er...
04:10Is this for me?
04:11This cake?
04:12No.
04:13This cake is for someone else.
04:15Someone else?
04:16Yes.
04:17Is that a problem, sir?
04:18No, no.
04:19It's just that normally the cakes are for me.
04:21I know, but this time I've decided it's for someone else.
04:24Right.
04:25I've made a lot of cakes for you, you see, and you've never made one back.
04:29Unusual shape, isn't it?
04:30It's a self-portrait.
04:31Yeah, but you're not diamond-shaped.
04:33It's a self-portrait of my vagina.
04:35Ooh!
04:36What are your scuzzy little family up to, eh?
04:37Any crimes afoot?
04:38I'm on it.
04:39I'm like chasing prawn.
04:40I'll get you the intel, goddammit.
04:41Dear God.
04:42What are your scuzzy little family up to, eh?
04:46Any crimes afoot?
04:47I'm on it.
04:48I'm like chasing prawn.
04:49I'll get you the intel, goddammit.
04:50Dear God.
04:51Now then, engaging with the community.
04:52We must all work together.
04:53Policing's not possible without the cooperation of the public.
04:54Unless you live in Russia or something.
04:55Thankfully, we don't live in Russia.
04:56We don't live in Russia.
04:57What are you doing?
04:58What are you scuzzy little family up to, eh?
05:00What are you scuzzy little family up to, eh?
05:03Any crimes afoot?
05:04I'm on it.
05:05I'm like chasing prawn.
05:06I'll get you the intel, goddammit.
05:08Dear God.
05:09Now then, engaging with the community.
05:14We must all work together.
05:16Policing's not possible without the cooperation of the public.
05:19Unless you live in Russia or something.
05:21Thankfully, we don't live in Russia.
05:23Who knows what a police state is?
05:26That'd be like if me and Afi weren't out for dinner.
05:29In your dreams?
05:30No.
05:31Not a date.
05:32A state.
05:33A police state.
05:34Actually, we're not really police officers.
05:35It'd be a little bit more like if you were superintendent's bra again or...
05:38That's not gonna happen.
05:39Because you're like 80, you know, so...
05:41No, no.
05:42Because she's...
05:43Ugly.
05:44No.
05:45Because she's, you know, she's...
05:46Parks her car in a different bay.
05:48So anyway, the point is we do not live in a police state.
05:52We are free to say what we want, do what we want.
05:54As far as I'm concerned, this is the most important area of police work.
05:58The pubic area?
05:59Hm?
06:01Who did this?
06:02Did what?
06:03What's the problem?
06:04You cannot touch the whiteboard.
06:06You just said we can do what we want in this country.
06:08No.
06:09Not if it's subversive or rude.
06:10Is it actually illegal though?
06:11No, I don't care about the law.
06:13No.
06:14People who engage in rubbing and wiping what isn't theirs,
06:16it's the lowest of the low.
06:17You're all gonna be punished.
06:18That's not fair.
06:19You don't know whether it was one of us that did it.
06:21Not fair.
06:22Not fair.
06:23But if you just listen to Appian...
06:24I'll decide what she thinks.
06:26Isn't it better to engage?
06:27Positive interaction.
06:28You can't just say what you want.
06:29Freedom of speech?
06:30No.
06:31Just shut up.
06:32Shut up.
06:33Shut up.
06:34Shut up.
06:35Shut up.
06:36Shut up.
06:37I'll decide what is what and who is who and why is why.
06:40Nobody is to speak for a week.
06:42All right.
06:43A day.
06:45No, an hour.
06:46One and nobody...
06:47Is that clear?
06:48I said, is that clear?
06:50Hey.
06:51Okay.
06:52Set this up for you.
06:53You.
06:54Fine.
07:02I'd like some advice.
07:03Oh, my God.
07:04Is she okay?
07:05The thing is...
07:07The thing is...
07:08There's this RPG.
07:10Role-playing game on your computer.
07:11I know what it is, thank you.
07:13And there's a character, a really smart, feisty young woman, who gets into a sticky situation.
07:20Is she attacked by a zombie?
07:21Well, she kind of thought it was a zombie at first, but then she realises that maybe he
07:26wasn't after all, and perhaps she regrets what she did.
07:30What did she do?
07:31She bit his head off.
07:32Oh, sweet.
07:33Ah, I see.
07:34Yeah, no coming back from that.
07:36That zombie is done.
07:37What do you reckon?
07:38Sounds like you should start again.
07:39Maybe go and apologise.
07:40Are you mad, Peter?
07:41What if it is a zombie?
07:42It can regenerate.
07:43I'd take my chances.
07:44Oh, wow.
07:45You'd be a rubbish gamer.
07:46I mean, wow.
07:47He's only gone and spent our pensions on a giant statue of Taylor fucking Swift.
07:56I think we need to have a little word with our chief super.
07:59Yes.
08:00We won't be forced out.
08:01No, we certainly won't.
08:02I'll rabbit punch him in the cock and you rabbit punch him in the bum hole.
08:05Yes.
08:06No, what?
08:07Right.
08:08We are prepared to physically fight to keep our jobs.
08:10If anything, we should be getting a raise, the bollocks we put up with in here.
08:14I actually find the job quite relaxing.
08:16It's because you don't actually do the job, Bob.
08:18Well, what have you got to say to that?
08:19Yeah, come on, you.
08:20Hmm.
08:29Oh, my God.
08:30He's dead.
08:31What do you mean, he's dead?
08:32I mean, he's dead.
08:33Glassy eyes, no breath.
08:35And a death erection.
08:36Oh, my God, the angel of lust.
08:38He's drained all the blood from his body and popped it into his...whatnot.
08:42Do you think he could have had a heart attack or a stroke?
08:44Is it death by natural causes?
08:46Obviously.
08:47Oh!
08:48Did you do that, Bob?
08:49What?
08:50No!
08:51Oh!
08:52It's...
08:57What's it?
08:58What's it?
08:59Bob Weeks.
09:00Signed appraisal forms.
09:01It's a list of all my tiny indiscretions.
09:04Oh, well, at least he did something useful before he croaked.
09:06Of course, I'm going to have to get rid of the evidence.
09:08I'll get Melanie and get an antivans.
09:10Just...
09:11Oh!
09:12Oh!
09:13Oh!
09:14Oh!
09:15Oh!
09:20Oh!
09:22Sorry.
09:23Didn't realise you were here.
09:24Deep, meditative state.
09:26Totally zoned out.
09:27Method acting, you know.
09:29Channeling my role as Paul Reynard.
09:31Who?
09:32A French millionaire in Agatha Christie's Murder on the Links for the Norborne players.
09:36I get stabbed in the back and have to stay dead for 40 minutes.
09:39They drone on, so you know.
09:41Have to learn to zone out.
09:42And you can return that when it comes out the other end.
09:47Ooh!
09:48Bottoms up!
09:49All the others filled us in a week ago.
09:50You're late.
09:51We need to touch base on how you're settling in mentally.
09:52Sorry, mentally?
09:53Yeah, yeah.
09:54It's a big thing these days.
09:55Just say, all's good, and I can tick the box.
09:56Well, there's a few things.
09:57That you'd probably rather keep to yourself.
09:58No, I want to share them with you.
09:59Great.
10:00Can you keep it to three lines?
10:01Well, I am quite mentally stressed.
10:02Good.
10:03Short, to the point.
10:04Fits in the little box.
10:05Because I transferred here to find someone.
10:06Surely that's it.
10:07To find someone.
10:08That's it.
10:09I don't know.
10:10I don't know.
10:11I don't know.
10:12I don't know.
10:13What's the point?
10:14Fits in the little box.
10:15Because I transferred here to find someone.
10:16Surely that's it.
10:17To find the police officer who got my mother pregnant with me and who died in a shroud
10:20of mystery.
10:21I just put bastard.
10:22Father unknown police officer.
10:23My journey has led me across nine continents.
10:25Tracing tenuous leads hither and tither until I am now this close.
10:28To finding the elusive scoundrel who I believe to be eight foot six with a handlebar mustache.
10:33Enough bollocks.
10:35Go away.
10:36Sorry to bother you.
10:38We haven't been introduced.
10:39I've told you.
10:40It's me.
10:41Sorry.
10:42You're not going to.
10:44Mental health forms for all the recruits.
10:50Connor Swift.
10:51Father unknown police officer.
10:55Born 1998 in England.
10:58I myself was stationed in England in 1998.
11:06Melanie.
11:07Could you please get me a DNA testing kit and keep it under your hat?
11:14Under my hat?
11:15Well then take it out from under your hat and give it to me.
11:17Why?
11:18I just want to double check that I'm not the king of Scotland.
11:29I mean I like it.
11:30It's like ethereal and sexy all at the same time.
11:33Do you think Jack will cry when I wear this?
11:35I really want him to cry loads when I walk down the aisle.
11:37Like sob.
11:38Not snot.
11:39But like proper tears.
11:40And also I want him to have a bit of an erection.
11:41Which is why I'm modelling it in front of you lot.
11:43Not the girls.
11:44He's given me a lump in the throat.
11:46He's given me a lump in the groin if that helps.
11:48He means an ethereal lump obviously.
11:50Thank you Paul.
11:51Aw.
11:52Yeah a bit of a change.
11:53Yeah a bit of a change.
11:54Everything alright Bob?
11:58No.
11:59No.
12:00Nothing.
12:01Just watching another man eating my vagina cake.
12:05No.
12:06No.
12:07No.
12:08No.
12:09No.
12:10No.
12:11No.
12:12No.
12:13No.
12:14No.
12:15No.
12:16No.
12:17No.
12:18No.
12:19No.
12:20No.
12:21No.
12:22No.
12:23No.
12:24No.
12:25No.
12:26No.
12:27No.
12:31No.
12:32No.
12:33No.
12:34No.
12:36No.
12:37No.
12:38No.
12:39No.
12:40No.
12:41No.
12:42No.
12:43No.
12:44No.
12:45No.
12:46No.
12:47Alright Sir?
12:48What?
12:49I'm so thirsty.
12:50It's just so thirsty.
12:51Can I get your coffee?
12:52Well can you?
12:53Yeah.
12:54It's just that Melanie normally furnishes me with the coffee.
12:57She's not tending to me.
12:58Apparently she makes it in a special way.
13:00Come on, let me try.
13:03Milk? Sugar?
13:05Yes, but Melanie normally does all that.
13:08Well, is it black like that or like a different colour?
13:11Oh, it's like that, I think.
13:12It's, um...
13:14This is it.
13:22It's exactly how Melanie makes it.
13:25How did you know?
13:26It's just the way that I have it, sir.
13:29Well, thank you.
13:33Some...
13:34Pardon me?
13:35Some...
13:35Some...
13:36You're welcome.
13:44My son made me a cup of coffee.
13:48Right, on to Nooch.
13:52How are things?
13:54What?
13:55What's going down?
13:56What's up?
13:56Can't be seen just talking to me.
13:57You've got to order something so as people can hear.
14:00Right, of course.
14:01What would you like, my love?
14:02Um, well, I'd like an electric scooter, please.
14:05Something to eat?
14:06Oh, yeah.
14:07Uh, a coconut.
14:09Something that we serve.
14:10Oh, of course, yeah.
14:10I might like some gravy.
14:12Gravy, please.
14:13Just gravy, is it?
14:14Mm-hmm.
14:15In a straight glass.
14:16Right.
14:18What do you want?
14:19I just told you.
14:19Gravy.
14:20No, we've done that here.
14:21I'm getting you gravy.
14:22Why are you here?
14:23I was just wondering if there are any plans afoot.
14:26Afoot?
14:26Yeah, you know.
14:27What's the word on the street?
14:28I'm sure the word isn't afoot.
14:30Not on my street.
14:31I've heard my dad talking about some ointment.
14:34Ointment.
14:34Pigment.
14:35Shipment.
14:36Shipment, yeah.
14:37They're taking delivery on Saturday.
14:39Did you order online?
14:40For fuck's sake, no.
14:41It's a delicate bit of trade.
14:42Know what I mean?
14:43Just as well you didn't.
14:44Them delivery drivers just chuck it behind the bins.
14:46It's a big deal.
14:47Are you in?
14:48Well, it doesn't matter if I'm in.
14:49They don't even ring the bell.
14:50In on the job.
14:51It's all going down at the old bakery.
14:53What's that, a pub?
14:53No, it's an old bakery.
14:56But if your dad hasn't told you,
14:57then you ain't supposed to know.
14:58No, of course he told me.
14:59He told me on the down below.
15:03On the down low?
15:03Yeah.
15:05So it's old bakery and shipment.
15:08Old bakery and shipment?
15:10Old bakery and shipment.
15:11Old bakery and shipment.
15:12On three, weirdest celebrity you've ever fancied.
15:15One, two, three.
15:16Miss Piggy.
15:17Oh!
15:18Right, on three, weirdest place you've ever done.
15:28Now, tell me what they're planning.
15:29They're receiving a special chipmunk on Saturday.
15:32A chipmunk?
15:32I think so.
15:33A shipment?
15:34A shipment, yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:34And they're taking delivery on Saturday
15:36and it's not the online people I checked,
15:38which is just as well,
15:39because them delivery drivers,
15:40they just chuck the stuff behind the bin,
15:41so don't even ring the bell.
15:42Okay, okay.
15:43What are they delivering?
15:44Don't know,
15:45but it's a delicate bit of trade.
15:48Right, what's that?
15:49I don't know.
15:49It's just something she did.
15:50She?
15:50Who's she?
15:52My dad.
15:53You know,
15:53I sometimes call him she.
15:54You can actually do that these days.
15:56Yeah, I think you might have misunderstood
15:57the pronoun issue there.
15:58And it is happening at the old cakery.
16:00Cakery?
16:00Bakery.
16:01Bakery?
16:01What old bakery?
16:02She didn't, he didn't,
16:03they didn't say.
16:04Okay.
16:05So I've done my bit, haven't I?
16:07You should go.
16:08Thank you, ma'am.
16:10Oi, get back here.
16:11She just told me I should go.
16:12No, you should go to the old bakery.
16:14Be part of the deal.
16:15I'm not invited.
16:16Well, get an invite.
16:18Ask your dad.
16:19She'll let you go, won't she?
16:20My family don't trust me.
16:21I don't trust me.
16:22Well, quite frankly,
16:23I don't trust you,
16:24but I need to know
16:25who else is involved.
16:26Now, we'll hide a wire
16:27about your person.
16:28Which person?
16:29About your person.
16:30What, I've got a person?
16:31Oh, Jesus, just fuck off
16:32and work it out.
16:34Googling went out.
16:38You must not swear
16:40at the public
16:41even if the wankers
16:43are asking for it.
16:44Unless they use the F word
16:46or even the C word.
16:48Or if they use the K word.
16:50The K word?
16:51Yeah, you know.
16:51Yeah, I know.
16:53Of course I know.
16:54The S word?
16:54I know all the words, okay?
16:56Which words mean
16:57you can punch someone?
16:59No, my friend.
17:00Punching a suspect
17:01will land you
17:03in the shit.
17:04Unless you're punching
17:04in the sense of, like,
17:05punching above your weight.
17:07Like Danny and her fiancé.
17:08Yes, that's fine.
17:09Hang on, who's punching?
17:10No one.
17:10It's not allowed.
17:12No, who's punching
17:12above their weight
17:13in our relationship?
17:14In our relationship?
17:15No, me and Jack.
17:16Well, you, obviously.
17:18Rude?
17:18You don't even know
17:19what he looks like.
17:19I've just gone off
17:20how you've described him.
17:21Well, she's probably exaggerating.
17:23He's not massively
17:23more good-looking than me.
17:24We're probably about the same.
17:25Oh, so he looks
17:26like a big girl, then.
17:27You look like a big girl, then.
17:28All right, shut up!
17:29Good afternoon, everyone.
17:31Sorry to interrupt, Sergeant.
17:32It's just there's been
17:33a new policy initiative.
17:35The surprise testing
17:37of police equipment.
17:40Who can tell me
17:41what this is?
17:42That's an SBG.
17:43No, which I know you know.
17:44No, it's an SBG.
17:46A spit-and-bite guard.
17:49Now then,
17:49I need a volunteer
17:50to spit at me.
17:52Anyone?
17:53Um...
17:54Let's have a bit...
17:55Let's have a bit...
17:55Oh!
17:56In here.
17:56There.
17:57How's that feel?
17:58How's that feel?
17:59I mean, it feels a bit gempy.
18:00Oh, what's going on?
18:01Won't be long, Sergeant.
18:02Um, go on, then.
18:03Have a spit at me.
18:04Go on.
18:04What, really?
18:05That's so gross.
18:06You'll get it all over his feet?
18:07That's all right.
18:08I've got a wet wipe.
18:08No worries about that.
18:09Go on, have a little spit.
18:10Go on.
18:10Um...
18:11Go on.
18:12Good, well done.
18:14And quick as we can.
18:15Let's get that off.
18:16And...
18:17Pop it in the bag.
18:19That's it.
18:19And finally...
18:20A wet wipe for you.
18:21Well done, everyone.
18:23That was excellent.
18:25Carry on, Sergeant.
18:28Knob!
18:30That's the K-word!
18:40Hi, Jaseem.
18:41You want to cut off my balls, wear them as earrings?
18:44No.
18:45What do you want, then?
18:46I just wanted to say I'm...
18:48Solid?
18:50No, I'm...
18:51Sordid, succulent, salad dressing, what?
18:53I am...
18:55Speaking...
18:57An apology.
18:59Speaking an apology?
19:01What language is that?
19:02Don't make this hard for me.
19:03Oh, like you made it easy for me when I asked you out.
19:05I'm sorry, okay?
19:06There it is.
19:07Oh, shit.
19:10Genuinely didn't know I could do that.
19:11New word, is it?
19:12Pretty much.
19:14The thing is, I've had my eyes open really wide recently.
19:18Surgically?
19:18I've seen people in a different light.
19:20You can see urine and semen if it's ultraviolet.
19:22Yes, I know that.
19:23Bloods, detergents, antifreeze, tooth whiteness,
19:25certain types of fungal infections.
19:27Yes, yes.
19:27Our group did all of this, too.
19:30Who have you seen in a different light?
19:33You.
19:33Have I got a fungal infection?
19:35Bloody hope not.
19:36Otherwise, I might have to change my mind about you being, you know, someone to go out with.
19:43Oh.
19:44I see.
19:46So I win.
19:48No.
19:49I win.
19:50No, I win.
19:51We both win?
19:53Deal.
19:53What are you doing?
20:03Oh, leave.
20:04Watch the paintwork where we are.
20:05I'm in.
20:08Yeah, I can see that.
20:09I'm in.
20:10In what?
20:11Incapable?
20:11Incontinent?
20:12What are you on about?
20:13I'm in.
20:13Saturday night.
20:14Lovely.
20:15Well, put the telly on, have a little wank, get yourself a Mackey D's.
20:17Not necessarily in that order.
20:18I'm coming.
20:20To the old bakery.
20:22How do you know about that?
20:23I'm not as daft as people think.
20:25Who's been shooting their mouth off?
20:26Fuck, I didn't hear about that.
20:27That's horrible.
20:28No.
20:29Who's been telling you stuff?
20:30Oh, um, well, you know, I've got to protect my sources.
20:34Fucking Aunty Newt.
20:35I am not.
20:36You are not coming on Saturday.
20:37Why not?
20:38Fucking forget about it, all right?
20:39It's too big of a deal.
20:40How long have you used my special skills?
20:41Look, there's got to be something I can do.
20:46Actually, do you know what expendable means?
20:50No.
20:50Great.
20:51What about stooge?
20:52Oh, uh, no.
20:54Fantastic.
20:55Well, look, I'll tell you what I can do.
20:57I'll maybe have a little word with Dad, you know?
21:00See if you like you do the handover or something.
21:02Really?
21:02You trust me with that?
21:04Yeah.
21:05Yeah, I reckon I do.
21:06Thanks, Pop.
21:07Hey, you're the best.
21:09Hey, get the fuck out of me car.
21:11Oh, yeah, okay.
21:12What did I tell you about shoes on the upholstery?
21:15Oi, they're my shoes, you prat.
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