00:57That's enough. The Prime Ministers are suffering from shell shock.
01:01Final word to the nation.
01:03Yes, Bellum Omnium Contra Omnus.
01:06Not many of whom speak Latin.
01:07Don't speak Latin. Schools in this country are a bloody joke.
01:09Should you be saying that?
01:10I should have had a banter, Jennifer. It's not the end of the world.
01:17What are you doing?
01:19It's the end of the world.
01:21So?
01:21So it's what you do when you've got, like, 20 minutes to live.
01:25And, I mean, I love you, Suze.
01:27You love me, really?
01:29You're the girl of my dreams.
01:30Why didn't you say something?
01:32Because I was afraid.
01:33Why are you saying it now?
01:34Well, because I'm afraid.
01:37You're not just saying it to sleep with me.
01:38No.
01:39But, you know, it's kind of the end of the world.
01:42No, it's not the most romantic thing.
01:44Yeah, well, I've got an erection.
01:47Oh, there.
01:51Wait, my brother.
01:52Shh.
01:53It's too late for a little.
01:54He's just upstairs.
01:55Really?
01:56He's going to kill the mood.
01:58If anyone has a lead apron, now's the time to wear it.
02:02I got 21 seconds to flow.
02:04I got 21 seconds to go.
02:06Because if you like me, let me know, let me in the studio.
02:08I got 21 seconds before...
02:09Wait.
02:10What if we survive?
02:12Then this is going to be really, really awkward.
02:16Did you see me on the video?
02:17Oh, no.
02:17Did you see me on the video?
02:18I can't say.
02:19Daddy and I will.
02:21Sounds of a matter of it!
02:22Ah!
02:23Ah!
02:24Ah!
02:25Ah!
02:26Ah!
02:26Ah!
02:26Ah!
02:26Ah!
02:26Ah!
02:27Ah!
02:27Ah!
02:27Ah!
02:27Ah!
02:27Ah!
02:28Ah!
02:38Ah!
02:38Ah!
02:45Ah!
02:57Ah!
02:57Ah!
02:57Ah!
02:58Oh look Laura you must be in Essex found a road yeah you stumbled on a road eventually sorry did
03:17you want to live with your parents forever I had to get out of there you're one of those weird naked
03:22families eight years in a basement trying not to look at your dad's balls the problem is you made
03:27no effort with my parents okay my parents are fucking dead so do not swear in front of Laura
03:31protecting our daughter yeah that's kind of what you meant to do from what naughty words
03:36Laura's first toy was a human skull I've seen shit yeah mommy are we there yet sweetheart we're not
03:43really going anywhere we should be should go to the sea why was it the sea Dover some shit what people
03:50doing film this isn't a film well I wish it was this is boring we're in a nuclear wasteland what did
03:58you expect Chessington zombies evil robots mutant mice on motorbikes this this is just and I take
04:06your dad's balls over this this tune is older than me I miss sweets I miss fish fingers nuggets like super
04:29greasy pizzas Laura won't ever get to eat that shit shit being the operative word all right chill out cuz cuz
04:36seriously I wish I could just give her a chocolate bar you know I wish I could give
04:41her a Barbie that's why he's pretty rank what's wrong with mr. Bingham I can give him a moustache oh
04:48oh he can give her a wig of daddy's hair oh no it's daddy sis oh mr. Bingham was our neighbor for like 10 years he's wearing what is essentially your pubic hair
05:03yeah I'm so sorry Laura just remember however bad people look on the inside they're still human they're still good
05:15we had music we had literature we had under deck and that's why I found you a present
05:24what is it that's so beautiful why is she learning the violin it's a life skill yeah but firstly it's not secondly neither of us can play it so how are we going to teach it
05:47she might pick it up from where we need to teach her something yeah useful things survival we're not a survivor
05:54you can't even grow a beard I'm going to bed and don't breastfeed her again what I'm going to breastfeed
06:02it's weird she needs nutrition do you want some milk yes please
06:13and this time yeah try not to know
06:18this is so wrong
06:19cannibals
06:32what the hell is that language I think it's Scouse
06:39they're a long way from Liverpool
06:42Scouses are really sentimental probably don't want to eat their own
06:46oh thank god look they left us the tuna
07:03bastards
07:05ahh
07:06ahh
07:07ahh
07:08ahh
07:08ahh
07:09ahh
07:10ahh
07:11ahh
07:12ahh
07:13ahh
07:14ahh
07:14ahh
07:16ahh
07:18ahh
07:19ahh
07:20oh d
07:21don't die me
07:23even Tom
07:25I don't want to kill the guy
07:26to me
07:28to you
07:29To me
07:30to you
07:31to me
07:31to you
07:33Look, people! Now go ask for directions.
07:52To where?
07:53To Dover or wherever.
07:54Asking for directions is so embarrassing, man.
07:56So you'd rather go on being lost?
07:58We're not lost.
07:58I'm flagging them down.
08:00This is weak.
08:01Excuse me!
08:03They're cannibals. You're killing them this time.
08:05I killed them last time, and it was one old guy having a heart attack.
08:08Oh, shit. I'm a killing machine.
08:10That was really strong.
08:11See? Independent witness.
08:13Unbelievable.
08:17Oh, my God.
08:19It's Oscar.
08:20Oscar?
08:21We went to school with him.
08:23You know, my ex.
08:25God, this is crazy.
08:27We're in the middle of nowhere.
08:30There are, like, 12 people left.
08:31There are, like, 12 people left, and we meet this clown.
08:35Brilliant.
08:38Oh, it's Oscar!
08:41Suze?
08:42Suze!
08:43Oh, my God!
08:45Man!
08:46Embarrassing herself.
08:47Oh, this is, like, too deep.
08:49Oh, God, you're still alive!
08:50And you're still buffed in!
08:52And you're still wearing those trousers.
08:54Oh, God, this is my daughter, Laura.
08:56Say hi to Oscar.
08:57Hi, Oscar.
08:58Fist bump me, yeah?
08:59Boom!
09:00Is that...?
09:01Oh, what's your name, bruvs?
09:02It's Tom.
09:03Don't tell me.
09:04Weird creepy guy, right?
09:05Used to follow you around all the time.
09:06You crash my yurt, secret garden party.
09:07I spy your drinks.
09:08Spotted with acid.
09:09Yeah.
09:10And you would not stop crying like a bitch.
09:11You would not stop crying.
09:12I was seeing dragons, which are famously terrifying.
09:14Tom.
09:15Right?
09:16Yes, bruvs!
09:17What's going on?
09:18Touch me.
09:19Tom's Laura's dad.
09:20Oh, my days.
09:21Yeah.
09:22I can't believe it's you.
09:23Look at that beard.
09:24It's like a cave-in-chief.
09:25Yeah.
09:26It's like a cave-in-chief.
09:27It's like a cave-in-chief.
09:28It's like a cave-in-chief.
09:29It's like a cave-in-chief.
09:30It's like a cave-in-chief.
09:31You crash my yurt.
09:32Secret garden party.
09:33I spy your drinks.
09:34Spotted with acid.
09:35Yeah.
09:36And you would not stop crying like a bitch.
09:37You would not stop crying.
09:38You would not stop crying.
09:39I was seeing dragons, which are famously terrifying.
09:41Tom, right?
09:42Yes, bruvs!
09:43Look at that beard.
09:45It's like cave-man shit.
09:46You feel me?
09:48Christ!
09:50You all right, fam?
09:52Oh, sorry.
09:53I've just got a bit sick in my mouth.
09:55Where did you get all that stuff?
09:57I found the supermarket.
09:58Like, two days' walk away.
10:00Basement was, like, full of tin.
10:02Yeah.
10:03That beard's gonna help.
10:04You want a crate?
10:05A crate?
10:06If you're forcing me.
10:08Such a survivor.
10:10We're all headed back to our camp.
10:13If you wanna come, Koch, we've got everything there.
10:16Food, shelter, poi.
10:20Sorry, but we're going to the sea.
10:22And, you know what they say?
10:24Time and tide waits for no man.
10:26Who talks like that?
10:27Who talks like that?
10:29So, Tom?
10:30I don't wanna hang out with your ridiculous ex-boyfriend.
10:33We are starving, Tom.
10:34Have you got a better idea?
10:35I've never eaten chocolate before.
10:38This is the best day ever.
10:40Oh, man, she's jolted.
10:42I could kill her.
10:47Oscar!
10:48Oscar!
10:49Oscar!
10:50Oscar!
10:51Oscar!
10:52Oscar!
10:53Oscar!
10:54Oscar!
10:55Oscar!
10:56That's just creepy.
10:57Oscar!
10:58Oscar!
10:59Oscar!
11:00Oscar!
11:01Oscar!
11:02Oscar!
11:03Her boobs.
11:04Position!
11:05Oscar!
11:06Gus!
11:07Cast the baby!
11:08Kiss the baby, kiss the baby!
11:09Just don't look him in the eye.
11:10Then, what do you do?
11:11When you come far, can I count on your vote?
11:12Peace Who Another Time?
11:13What's the feeling?
11:14Brave e see?
11:16She still do that little squeaky chuckle.
11:18...I'm missing.
11:20��ight, mate.
11:22So, then you take your Shank
11:28your knife, mate.
11:31me i haven't got a knife well i take my knife little loop there and then we bump and grind
11:40pow bear cribbage thanks so much oscar yeah we're all gonna be sleeping soundly together tonight
11:47uh nah brav you is coming out out to the feast we smoked a pig not like ganja this guy rastafari
11:59eh fuck i miss weed um what the pig oh the pig yeah no we smoked it to like preserve it you know
12:16salami chorizo chipolata well we shouldn't impose on your a sausage festival soos i can't wait
12:28touch what are you doing getting ready you're wearing shoes made out of plastic bags how good
12:44are you ever going to look so what club are you going to i hear there's a burnt out caravan that's
12:50very now i think we should have an open relationship we do i've seen you have a poo like five times i
12:56mean i think we should see other people who oscar he's so creepy they can't his name suits just
13:02popular popular i bet this is a cult and he has a ritual where he's the front of a human centipede
13:11which waddles around a wicked man they're using to burn a virgin because well because he's a dick
13:19have you ever thought about us what we are you and me do you even love me that's a stupid question
13:28suz wait
13:29suz wait don't forget your i.d i hear that caravan's well strict
13:38suz wait
13:40suz wait
13:42suz wait
13:44suz wait
13:46suz wait
13:48suz wait
13:50suz wait
13:54suz wait
13:56suz wait
13:58suz wait
14:03some people pay for thrills
14:07but i get mad for free
14:10oh i'm just living my life
14:13there's nothing crazy about me
14:18i'm bonkers
14:28see people
14:35feel like we've been seeing each other
14:37last time she saw me was on my birthday and i swear i've had another birthday since
14:41what are you talking about
14:42sex
14:43what's sex
14:44lovely lovely memory
14:56i need a beer what's beer it's like better water
15:04how do you mean better
15:17how do you mean better it makes everything else seem less bad can i have some afraid not
15:23you have to build up quite a tolerance of this stuff luckily they didn't call me captain carnage for nothing
15:28i haven't dropped biffy yet
15:37i don't know
15:38what have you done to her
15:52I leave you with her for one night.
15:56I'm Captain Carnage.
15:58Lad.
15:59Can you grow up, please?
16:00Can you grow up, please?
16:01Out.
16:02Out.
16:03Get out of my house.
16:04House?
16:05You're like the world's shittiest echoes.
16:07Wait, how come she didn't sleep here?
16:12Because I slept with Oscar.
16:14Right, you... you mean a sleepover?
16:17Up all night, gossiping, top to toe.
16:20Or has he got a bunk bed?
16:24Tom, I slept with Oscar.
16:27Bitch!
16:28Whatever I did was because of you.
16:30You pushed me away.
16:31Bullshit!
16:32And you're kicking me out?
16:33Our daughter is drunk!
16:34They grow up so fast these days.
16:36Get your things and go.
16:37You can't meet me.
16:39I can.
16:40Oscar, this has got nothing to do with you.
16:44Babe, we are the new Kim and Kanye.
16:47We're not.
16:48Last night...
16:49It was beautiful.
16:50Won't happen again.
16:51We made a mistake.
16:53Nah.
16:58You made a mistake.
17:01Are you going to shack up with Lord of the Flies?
17:15No, I'm going back to my parents.
17:17Fine.
17:18If I promise to make an effort, can I come?
17:20No.
17:21Okay.
17:22But I've never broken up with anyone before, so what do we do?
17:28Well, that's definitely my top hauling.
17:31No, it's not.
17:32Remember, I shook the shitting dog off it.
17:33And then you gave it to me for my birthday.
17:35Oh!
17:36You got something for your birthday.
17:37Oh, I see.
17:38Anyway, you never use it.
17:39Fine.
17:40But I get the buckets.
17:41No, you get two of the buckets.
17:42On the condition that I can choose them.
17:44You get first choice of the buckets.
17:45Done.
17:46But I'm keeping those tins of tuna.
17:48Fine.
17:49Because I'm going to the sea.
17:50Oh, right.
17:51Well, I'm sure there'll be loads of tuna.
17:52It being the English Channel.
17:53Once she's learned the violin, you can teach Laura all about sarcasm.
