00:01Hi, my name is Douglas Van der Graaff.
00:04You know me, we talk every day.
00:08For six years, I've shown up every single day for Jesus Christ.
00:13Not when it was convenient, not when I felt inspired.
00:18Every single day.
00:21I built a Christian YouTube channel with more than 500,000 subscribers.
00:26My work has appeared in more than 793 unique periodicals around the world.
00:34That actually breaks the Guinness record.
00:37I never raised my hand, never asked for accolades.
00:41Across nine websites, I've written more than 20,000 Christian pieces,
00:48trying to put hope, mercy,
00:52and the teachings of Jesus in front of people who need them.
00:57And tonight, I cannot afford to pay my bills.
01:03That's the sentence I never wanted to say out loud.
01:07Not after all those mornings, all those late nights,
01:12all those articles, videos, interviews, and prayers.
01:16But, that's where I am.
01:20The lights still cost money.
01:23Groceries still cost money.
01:26My family still needs a home.
01:29And, the work I've given away doesn't cover those things.
01:34So, I'm asking a question that some Christians may not want to hear.
01:42Jesus, where are you?
01:45I don't mean that poetically.
01:48I mean it as a man who has spent years telling others to have faith,
01:52and who is now looking at his bank account
01:55and wondering whether he has misunderstood the whole thing.
01:59I was taught to pray, believe, trust, and keep going.
02:05You know me.
02:06I'm not a quitter.
02:08I did.
02:09I did keep going.
02:11And, now I feel abandoned.
02:14If there's an answer, I need more than a pretty phrase.
02:19And, if this isn't real, I need to know that, too.
02:25My family deserves better than watching me sacrifice our security for an illusion.
02:32But, I have to be fair.
02:34If I want Jesus to answer me, I should listen to the words of the Gospels,
02:40not invent a comforting message and call it his voice.
02:46Jesus, didn't you promise that if I had faith, things would work out?
02:54In Matthew chapter 6, Jesus says to seek first God's kingdom and his righteousness,
03:02and that the things people need will be added to them.
03:05He speaks about food and clothing.
03:08He tells us not to let tomorrow's worries consume us.
03:13Now, those words matter.
03:15But, I can no longer pretend they say that every faithful person will always have a full bank account,
03:23a paying ministry, or an immediate answer to prayer.
03:29They don't provide a date when the mortgage will be covered.
03:33And, I won't twist them into a guarantee Jesus didn't make.
03:38Still, I have to ask.
03:41If God knows what I need, why am I here?
03:47That, I don't know.
03:48That's my honest answer.
03:50You see, I can't explain why one person's work receives funding while another person's doesn't.
03:58I cannot tell you what God is doing behind the scenes.
04:02Nobody should claim to know that just to make my pain easier to listen to.
04:12So, I ask Jesus another question today.
04:15Why didn't you warn me that serving you could hurt this much?
04:20In John chapter 16, he says,
04:25In the world ye shall have tribulation.
04:28Trouble.
04:29Not applause and security.
04:32Trouble.
04:33And in Matthew chapter 27, on the cross,
04:37Jesus himself cries,
04:40My God, my God,
04:42Why hast thou forsaken me?
04:47I want you to think about that for a second.
04:50The very one I follow spoke words of abandonment from a place of agony.
04:59That doesn't pay my electric bill.
05:02But it tells me that asking,
05:05Where are you?
05:07is not automatically a failure of faith.
05:10It's a question that has been spoken in the middle of suffering before.
05:16Here's another question.
05:18Jesus,
05:20Am I supposed to keep giving until there's nothing left of me?
05:24In Mark chapter 6,
05:27the disciples are so busy serving people that
05:30they don't even have time to eat.
05:33Jesus doesn't respond by telling them to produce more.
05:39He says,
05:41Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place,
05:47and rest a while.
05:50Rest a while.
05:51You know, I keep coming back to those words today.
05:55Because somewhere along the way,
05:57I decided that if people needed hope,
06:00I wasn't allowed to stop.
06:04Every new request has become another obligation.
06:08Every unanswered message
06:10feels like I'm letting someone down.
06:14Every day without a video
06:15feels like breaking a promise.
06:19Because I made that promise,
06:21I said I would show up every single day.
06:25But where is everybody else?
06:28I keep showing up for you.
06:31But, you know,
06:33Jesus told the exhausted disciples to rest.
06:36Maybe I need to stop pretending that I'm holier than his disciples
06:41by refusing to do the same.
06:44Then I ask something even harder.
06:49Jesus, is it wrong to want to be paid for work that helps people?
06:56In Luke chapter 10, Jesus says,
06:59The laborer is worthy of his hire.
07:03He sent people out to serve,
07:05and he did not describe their basic needs as shameful.
07:11A worker's needs for support is not greed.
07:16It is life.
07:18I don't regret giving freely.
07:21I'd keep doing it if I could.
07:23I regret treating my family's financial stability
07:27as though it matters less.
07:29less than the next article somebody wants from me.
07:33And I need the people listening to understand that
07:36I'm not announcing a fundraiser.
07:39I'm not asking for your pity.
07:42And what I'm saying is that I need to earn a living.
07:46I need work that pays.
07:48This doesn't pay anything.
07:50It pays satisfaction.
07:53But it's going to mean fewer videos moving forward.
07:56Fewer articles and fewer appearances.
08:01And that's what has to happen.
08:04But here's the part that really hurts.
08:06I thought faithfulness would mean I wouldn't have to make this choice.
08:10I thought somebody would notice.
08:14I thought help would come.
08:17It hasn't.
08:18And when it didn't,
08:21I began to wonder whether Jesus was listening to me at all.
08:25I can't prove Jesus is real by pointing to a successful YouTube channel.
08:31And I can't prove he isn't real because my bills are overdue.
08:37Those are not honest tests of the whole question,
08:40but neither am I required to pretend that my disappointment isn't serious.
08:46Because it is serious.
08:49It's changed how I pray.
08:52Tonight, my prayer sounds like this.
08:54Jesus, if you're there, I need truth.
08:59Not a performance.
09:01Not a slogan.
09:03I need wisdom to protect my family.
09:06Strength to make difficult decisions.
09:09And enough humility to admit when the way I've been doing things
09:13is no longer sustainable.
09:17And if I've misunderstood what you promised,
09:20help me face that without shame.
09:25Sorry, I was just trying to help people.
09:28Maybe the hardest lesson isn't that I need to believe harder.
09:34Maybe it's that faith is not an invoice I can hand to heaven after six years of service.
09:42Because I cannot say,
09:44here are all my subscribers.
09:47Here are my publications.
09:49Now you owe me financial security.
09:53That truth stings because I've worked my ass off.
09:57I've worked hard.
09:59But I wanted the hard work to mean that somebody,
10:03somewhere,
10:04would carry part of the weight.
10:07But loving Jesus and running an unpaid operation are not the same thing.
10:14I can stop one without abandoning the other.
10:19I can take a job.
10:21I can put my household first.
10:24I can say no to requests.
10:28Requests that I cannot afford to fulfill any longer.
10:33I can publish less often,
10:35and I'm going to.
10:36I can refuse to feel guilty for it.
10:39And I'm going to feel guilty for it.
10:42It's just who I am.
10:44I can even sit with my doubts without dressing them up as a triumphant testimony.
10:51I'm not proud to do this video today.
10:54And if you've been watching me for a while,
10:57carrying your own impossible burden,
10:59I want you to hear this.
11:02Don't let anyone use your faith to demand your exhaustion.
11:07Feeding your children matters.
11:10Paying your rent matters.
11:13Getting sleep matters.
11:17Telling the truth about your limits matters.
11:21You know, Jesus says in Matthew chapter 11,
11:27Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden,
11:31and I will give you rest.
11:33I used to hear that as a promise,
11:36that if I'd find enough energy to keep going at the same pace,
11:42somehow that would make a difference.
11:45And tonight,
11:47I hear an invitation to stop.
11:51I still have questions.
11:52I still feel hurt.
11:54I'm still angry.
11:57I don't have a miraculous ending to offer you today.
12:01And I'm not going to manufacture one for this camera.
12:05What I have is a decision.
12:08I'm going to take care of my family starting right now.
12:12I'm going to make room for paid work.
12:15And when I can speak from a place of honesty,
12:18instead of survival mode,
12:22I'll come back and speak.
12:26If Jesus is who I believe,
12:29who I believe He is,
12:31then I don't have to destroy myself
12:34to keep Him from walking away.
12:37And doing less videos,
12:39writing less articles,
12:40will not push Him away.
12:43But if I'm going to keep searching for the truth,
12:46I have to be alive,
12:48awake,
12:49and willing to hear an answer I wasn't expecting
12:52for six years.
12:56I showed up every day.
13:01Tonight I'm stepping back.
13:03Not because the people who listen don't matter.
13:07Because the people I go home to matter as well.
13:13And I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
13:18But for the first time in a long time,
13:21I'm going to let tomorrow come
13:23without pretending I can carry the entire world there myself.
13:30I'll still write.
13:32I'll still do videos when I can.
13:36I'm not quitting.
13:37I'm not walking away forever.
13:50I guess we'll see.
13:52I guess we'll see.
13:58My name's Douglas Van der Graaff,
14:00and I still believe in Jesus Christ.
14:06God bless everyone.
14:10Every single one.
14:13And everyone you love.
14:18Bye-bye.
14:19Bye-bye.
14:20Bye-bye.
14:20Bye-bye.
14:20Bye-bye.
14:21Bye-bye.
14:21Bye-bye.
14:22Bye-bye.
14:22Bye-bye.
14:23Bye-bye.
14:23Bye-bye.
