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Mock the Week - Season 22 Episode 14 -Unseen, Out-takes and Best Bits engsub fullepisode🎯 Secret Engagement
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15:26Can you blame them for wanting to leave that sunrise, though?
15:31No!
15:32Just as a captain with his arm round the first mate,
15:35do we ever have to leave?
15:37This has been the happiest three months of our time together,
15:40here on the boat.
15:44The Straits of Hormuz sounds like Iran's top reality show.
15:50Yeah, straight eye for the Straits guy.
15:53It's always about the Straits of Hormuz.
15:56When will the gays of Hormuz get in?
15:59A name for a club.
16:00What a fantastic name for a gay club, the gays of Hormuz.
16:05I mean, difficult to know where to open that club.
16:09Maybe not around Hormuz.
16:11Also difficult to know which would have most oil.
16:17This game involves Michelle and Scott,
16:20so if you could make your race as a performance area, please.
16:22This round is a stand-up challenge.
16:23I launch the Wheel of News and whoever chooses to stop,
16:25one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
16:29The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
16:31OK, here we go.
16:32Was there a reason you fucking dawdled there?
16:35LAUGHTER
16:42OK, next question, where's Anthony?
16:44Hey, Anthony, how are you?
16:46I'm all right.
16:46Good man yourself.
16:47That's an excellent beard.
16:48Anthony, congratulations.
16:49Anthony, is it a beard-related question?
16:52Good.
16:53What is the question?
16:54What's the most useless fact you know?
16:56Bill Murray is still filming Groundhog Day.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01If finding Nemo was scientifically accurate,
17:06when Nemo's mum died,
17:08Nemo's dad would have changed sex and mated with Nemo.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:19Which is actually the plot of the porno version,
17:23Grinding Nemo.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:29I thought the most violent was finding me holes.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:33Apparently the guy who invented the condom
17:36was really embarrassed afterwards
17:37because he found out that no-one else
17:39has that weird bump on the end of their dick.
17:45My favourite little-known fact is,
17:47in Spain, in 1998,
17:49Ed killed a hitchhiker with his car.
17:52LAUGHTER
17:57I don't think you're being entirely fair.
17:58We're not 100% sure it was a hitchhiker.
18:03About 30 years ago,
18:05you had about 17 minutes,
18:08approximately,
18:09to escape a house fire.
18:10But now,
18:11you've got about four.
18:16Due to furniture being more clamourable.
18:18Yeah, yeah.
18:18I...
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20For fuck's sake, man.
18:21Would you like another Chris Ramsay happy fact?
18:23Fuck no!
18:25Just...
18:25Like, read the room.
18:29Knowledge is power.
18:30It's broadcast into people's houses.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:35I'd expect to hear that from Jigsaw.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:40Thank you very much for that.
18:42Thank you very much for your question.
18:43She's very proud of you.
18:46Meanwhile, what's happening here?
18:48It looks like the couple on top of a wedding cake
18:50have invited friends.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:54This is Xi Jinping...
18:56Yep.
18:56Chinese presence.
18:57Yeah.
18:57And Kim Jong-un,
18:58sort of,
18:59having dinner together,
19:00seemingly,
19:01on cruising with Jane MacDonald.
19:05LAUGHTER
19:07Oh, my God!
19:08If she could throw it into the pool behind her!
19:10Do you know what I mean?
19:10I've never been so sure
19:12that a sort of state meeting
19:13is going to end
19:14with them both singing
19:15islands in the stream.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:17They're both waiting
19:18for the other to leave
19:19so the other can go,
19:20kill me!
19:21LAUGHTER
19:23Do you think they all ordered separately
19:24or one person dictated for the table?
19:28LAUGHTER
19:30Could they not have got a smaller table?
19:32It looks like a birthday they booked for ten
19:34and six people didn't turn up.
19:36LAUGHTER
19:37I hope you're OK with us
19:38watching Finding Nemo.
19:39He's about to fuck his son.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:44The North Korean version
19:46is scientifically accurate
19:47North Korean version.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:50Can somebody tell me
19:51what that actually is?
19:52The summit that they held
19:53at, I think it's the Gatwick Hilton?
19:55LAUGHTER
20:01Where else had particularly exciting weather?
20:04Well, there were 29,000 lightnings.
20:07There were 29,000 lightning strikes
20:08in the UK
20:09on Tuesday night
20:10on Monday, Tuesday night
20:11and 18,000 of them in Somerset.
20:13Really?
20:14Yeah.
20:14I'm not sure who counts
20:16which junior...
20:17Which junior said
20:19I don't want one, one, two, two, one, two...
20:22Taking them off like a...
20:23To be fair, it's not much...
20:24With those kind of metal things
20:25that you have in a nightclub,
20:27this is not a good idea.
20:28LAUGHTER
20:29I bet you spied on them
20:31all through your telescope,
20:32you sky pervert.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:35I did not.
20:36I carried it in the cool of the room.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40To answer your question,
20:42it's local volunteers
20:44observed the lightning.
20:45I used to be a weatherman.
20:48But I've still got a broken barometer.
20:50If anyone wants it.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:52No pressure.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:56APPLAUSE
21:00I thought for a second,
21:02we'd broken Milton.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:04I thought for a second,
21:05we'd broken Milton.
21:05I thought he was just chatting there for a second.
21:06Yeah.
21:06Are we going to get a real story for Milton here?
21:08This is amazing.
21:09It's going to be lovely to get some facts out of him.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:13In other news, what's going on here?
21:15OK.
21:17If you didn't mock it,
21:18this is actually how he inflates his hands.
21:23That's him with his other wrinkly old bag.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:28This is harsh.
21:29This is the king of our land.
21:31Can I just point it out?
21:32This is your king.
21:33Your king.
21:34He might be the king,
21:35but the fingers are mental, aren't they?
21:37Yeah.
21:37He's the only man in the world,
21:39he's the only man who has to use his penis as foreplay for fingering.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:52Surely this is a crime.
21:54Surely this is a crime.
21:56It may be partly treasonous,
21:57but I don't know,
21:58I'm not investigating it too closely.
21:59I know that there's certainly a team from a certain channel going,
22:02no, no, no.
22:04No, no, none of them so far.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:08That's good stuff, though.
22:09It is.
22:09It's going to be a very short round,
22:11you're going to show that picture
22:12and I'm going to go,
22:12he's the king of our land.
22:15LAUGHTER
22:16LAUGHTER
22:16Or he'll just cut to Rhys
22:18and there's like a black square over his mouth
22:20and the voiceover goes,
22:21he is a wonderful man.
22:24Is he fundamentally just saying,
22:27this is the purest shit I've ever heard?
22:30LAUGHTER
22:30Compliments to the people who believe you?
22:33LAUGHTER
22:34Meanwhile, what has a Spanish architect labelled as
22:37ridiculous controversy?
22:38Dara, it's pronounced controverti.
22:41LAUGHTER
22:43LAUGHTER
22:45LAUGHTER
22:47He's so angry!
22:49He's so angry!
22:51I'm sorry.
22:51I'm sorry.
22:52Do you want me to read it again?
22:53OK.
22:54Meanwhile, what does a Spanish architect labelled as
22:56una controvertia ridiculo?
22:59LAUGHTER
23:01It's some gargoyles.
23:02It is some gargoyles.
23:03Some construction work that's been done.
23:05Yes, he was restoring Spain's oldest hotel,
23:09which is somewhere in Spain.
23:10I have it on the card here.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13There is somewhere in one of these fucking things.
23:15It's fine.
23:15Yes, it is in the...
23:17Yes, anyway.
23:20LAUGHTER
23:21In the Hotel de Reis Catholicos in Santiago de Compostela.
23:24And why, though?
23:26What was controversial about it?
23:27There's a pipe now that's added that looks like it's going
23:30into the gargoyle's bum.
23:31It does.
23:33There's a gargoyle on the top of the gargoyle's there for
23:35drain water to come out.
23:36Yes, but if you see it, it's like...
23:38I mean, the gargoyle told doctors he just fell on it.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:48I mean, it is...
23:50It is vivid.
23:52It's the way he's lifting up his cheeks.
23:54It was actually...
23:55That's his head between his legs.
23:56It's...
23:57Yeah, it's so shocking even he's having a look.
23:59Yeah.
24:00That wasn't there a week ago.
24:02Er...
24:02The architect said, if that's what you're seeing,
24:05then you need to see a psychiatrist.
24:06Like, that's your one.
24:07You're seeing something weird?
24:08Yeah.
24:09You're the one who's weird,
24:11if you see something weird there.
24:13What he's saying is that...
24:14People are saying it looks like a pipe is going
24:15into the gargoyle's arse,
24:17but he's saying, no,
24:18a pipe is coming out of the gargoyle's arse.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:23By the way, just so you know, this is...
24:24He didn't build the whole thing, right?
24:26Just so you know, it's like...
24:27He may be being...
24:29He's right that people are being a bit sensitive now.
24:30We can show you what it looked like
24:31before the architect did his work,
24:33which is essential.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:36I think that's much worse.
24:38I feel that as well.
24:39I feel that that's worse.
24:40If anything, you've tidied it up a bit.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43And it is a common thing with gargoyles
24:45that they do add pipes to stuff and get worn away.
24:49Yeah, exactly.
24:49To move the water away from the building, yeah.
24:51But what's interesting about the whole thing is...
24:53The whole thing?
24:54The whole thing, yeah.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56Is the difference between a gargoyle and a grotesque,
25:00is that they're both sort of ornamental,
25:02but a gargoyle is specifically when they're used for drainage
25:06and rainwater comes out through them,
25:09and a grotesque is used for hosting a panel show.
25:13Whoa!
25:14Whoa!
25:16Whoa!
25:16Whoa!
25:16I mean, I could see it coming from a pile of...
25:19LAUGHTER
25:19Well, they didn't.
25:21Yes.
25:23Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
25:35APPLAUSE
25:38Our next round is called Connection.
25:41In this round, I'll show the panel pictures of two well-known figures
25:43and ask them to work out how they might be connected.
25:45So, what connects former First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon
25:48and US actor Morgan Freeman?
25:51They're both in the England squad, apparently.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:57Is it that Nicola's husband has recently started watching
26:00the Shawshank Redemption on repeat?
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03One was in Deep Impact, the other's in Deep Shit.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:09Is it that they could both escape a burning house?
26:12LAUGHTER
26:13That's not going in.
26:15We're not bumming out the audience with your dick facts.
26:18It's got to be...
26:18I mentioned it enough, it will.
26:19Yeah.
26:20Do they have the same dad?
26:23LAUGHTER
26:26He's here tonight!
26:28Are they both firmly in favour of Scottish independence?
26:33I don't know.
26:33One of them hasn't declared a stance on that.
26:35Judging my look on her face, is it that they both found out
26:37about Prince Andrew's glove auction a day late?
26:41LAUGHTER
26:44Dara's absolutely hating this.
26:45Come on, Dara, take that pipe out of your arse and enjoy yourself.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:50I'm doing it, I'm just ready to give you the answer.
26:52I am ready for you to give us the answer.
26:54I know a weird fact about him.
26:58Don't tell me, he'll break into your house and murder your children.
27:01LAUGHTER
27:03No, it's something to do with, he got...
27:05I heard it ages ago, his house or his land,
27:09he's declared it as like a beef sanctuary.
27:12A beef sanctuary?
27:13Yeah, yeah.
27:13It does feel like a dick.
27:14You'd say, hey, you know, my house is a bit of a beef sanctuary.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:18Or it's a club you open next door to, The Gaze of Hormuz.
27:24I think it was The Gaze of Hormuz.
27:26No, B, B, B, B.
27:27B, not Beef Sanctuary!
27:31I'd have said Beef Sanctuary with a lot more vigour.
27:34Oh, Beef Sanctuary is a much better thing than ever.
27:37Moo!
27:38Come, come to me, you will be safe here.
27:41Moo!
27:43I love that you just thought you'd heard Chris Ramsey say Beef Sanctuary
27:46and thought, yeah, that checks out.
27:48More than a beef sanctuary, how do you explain to the B?
27:51This is a safe split.
27:52Where are you going?
27:52Where are you going?
27:53No, no, no!
27:55That is not the sanctuary!
27:56You can express yourself here!
27:58That's why I do vocal warm-ups before the show.
28:00Morgan Freeman's Beef Sanctuary.
28:03So is it that neither of them have a beef sanctuary?
28:06LAUGHTER
28:08Yes, they and the entire rest of the global population.
28:11Nobody has ever had a beef sanctuary.
28:14And when I do, when I open my beef sanctuary.
28:18Wow, what a great set of ass I'll be.
28:21Welcome to Dara Marine's Beef Sanctuary.
28:23By day, ribs and steak.
28:25By night, the pounding is disco tracks.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:29The correct answer is they both had vocal coaching
28:33to deepen their voices.
28:35Oh.
28:35Nicola Sturgeon from Sean Connery, who told her how to slow down
28:39a speech and make her voice deeper.
28:40Sean Connery?
28:41Sean Connery coached her.
28:42Sean Connery coached her in how to deepen her voice.
28:44Yeah.
28:44And Morgan Freeman, initially, his voice up for
28:47George Shagged Redemption was very,
28:49Get busy living or get busy dying!
28:52LAUGHTER
28:54And they went,
28:55Yes, great, Morgan, we love it.
28:56Can we do it again?
28:57OK.
28:57I remember the first time I met!
28:59Yes!
29:00I can only do a high-pitched voice with an Irish accent.
29:04I don't think Sean Connery's work is showing in Nicola Sturgeon
29:08because she never, ever introduces herself as Sturgeon.
29:11Nicola.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:14Sean Connery gave her a rolled-up bit of paper between her teeth
29:17and gave her things to say, and this is how he had learned
29:20to deepen his voice in acting.
29:22A rolled-up piece of paper?
29:23Piece of paper, yeah.
29:23Is it the same rolled-up newspaper that Sean Connery
29:25used to hit his wife with?
29:26Mm-hm.
29:28She's not escaping from a house fire any time soon, is she?
29:32LAUGHTER
29:35Meanwhile, what has a study revealed this week that birds enjoy?
29:39What is it?
29:40Is this like 1960s Cockney News?
29:42You know, what do birds enjoy?
29:44LAUGHTER
29:45Shoes, they like shoes, don't they?
29:46They look like a natter?
29:48LAUGHTER
29:49You take them in the pictures,
29:50you buy them a little slab of meal,
29:52I love it, they bloody love it, don't they?
29:53Bloody love it!
29:55Form a few eels, bah!
29:56Lovey, lovey, lovey!
29:57LAUGHTER
29:58I like this man.
29:59Yeah.
30:01Stick one of them on each end of your panel show in your life!
30:05I only bought a bloody carper van, didn't I?
30:07Yeah!
30:08LAUGHTER
30:09A carper van?
30:10LAUGHTER
30:11I only bought a carper van!
30:15I'm not going to get it back in.
30:16Yeah, it's gone to areas that we should not follow up.
30:19LAUGHTER
30:20No, that is not what they enjoy.
30:21This is a...
30:22It's an interesting story.
30:24It's because they've found out, apparently,
30:26that they like to pleasure themselves sexually.
30:27They do.
30:28Masturbate.
30:29Yes.
30:29Technical term.
30:30Yeah, no, no, let's go...
30:31Let's do all the Latin verbs.
30:33They're not even wanking these days.
30:36Bloody miniskirts, isn't it?
30:39LAUGHTER
30:39LAUGHTER
30:41I was like, are you thinking about...
30:43No, she said, no, I'm thinking about the king's fingers.
30:45LAUGHTER
30:47LAUGHTER
30:47I'm sorry, OK.
30:50You're a bad influence!
30:51You're a bad influence!
30:52He is the king of our land!
30:54Aw!
30:55They're a bad influence!
30:56Birds like to say pleasure.
30:57But does that mean that...
30:59all the white stuff in Trafalgar Square?
31:01Oh, stop!
31:03You've made it horrible now.
31:05It was nice.
31:05It was nice for a second.
31:07Oh, my God.
31:07They're coming on statues.
31:10Nelson's Column.
31:10Is that why it's called Column?
31:12LAUGHTER
31:12Well, that's a good point.
31:13It's good luck to have a bo-po on you.
31:15Is it good luck, even better luck?
31:18I don't think so, no.
31:19The study says that it's perfectly natural.
31:21It's a natural thing.
31:22It's a natural thing.
31:23We don't know what they're thinking about.
31:24We don't know what they're wanking over.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:29They could be thinking about us.
31:31LAUGHTER
31:33It is basically that...
31:34This is behaviour that previously was being punished.
31:37That people would actually bring their bird to a vet
31:38and try to get the bird to stop people.
31:40They've said you shouldn't punish them anymore.
31:42Shouldn't punish them anymore.
31:43Which I think...
31:44Do you know how you punish a bird for masturbating?
31:46How do you do that?
31:47You have to send them to confession,
31:49and then they have to say three quail marys.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:54APPLAUSE
32:01This week on Can Toddlers Drive,
32:03we put this four-year-old behind the wheel of an Audi A3.
32:07Will you make it round the course?
32:08Or will you end up...
32:10Oh, fuck it.
32:12LAUGHTER
32:14Oh, my God!
32:16This full fly just went on my head.
32:17Oh, my God!
32:18And...
32:19Oh, wow!
32:19Whoa!
32:20Massive, and that's a big face.
32:21That's a big fly.
32:21Oh, wow!
32:23That's a big fly.
32:24And it was on your face for ages.
32:26Excuse me, David Admiral.
32:27Oh, fly!
32:28Yes!
32:30That wasn't a fly, Ed.
32:31That was a bird,
32:31and looking at your shirt,
32:32he's just come all over you.
32:34LAUGHTER
32:35Is it a bird?
32:36Is it a bird?
32:36Oh, fuck that.
32:39OK, will you both of you just say the phrase,
32:41if you think that's bad,
32:42yourself and yourself?
32:43Let you go first.
32:44If you think that's bad...
32:46Maybe not.
32:47LAUGHTER
32:49In the same tone as everything else you say.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:54Suddenly...
32:55Suddenly debuting a new character.
33:00This week on Can Toddlers Drive,
33:02we put a four-year-old behind the wheel of an Audi A3,
33:05will it make her out into a course,
33:06or will it fuck me?
33:07Fuck, fuck!
33:08LAUGHTER
33:10You think that's bad?
33:11I got replaced on a job that I'd done for free,
33:14for charity,
33:15and they re-filmed it with Billy Piper
33:17because my camel toe was too visible.
33:20LAUGHTER
33:21And if all you think you know how bad it is,
33:23I was wearing a skirt.
33:26LAUGHTER
33:26I think it puts me in the Guinness Book of Records, actually.
33:30LAUGHTER
33:30You think that's bad?
33:31I got sacked from my job at the passport office, for laziness.
33:34Yes, it was my job to...
33:35When the expired passports came back,
33:37I had to clip the ends off.
33:39They called me and they said,
33:40have you been cutting corners?
33:41I said, no.
33:42They said, yeah, that's the problem.
33:44LAUGHTER
33:46I've come up with a show, guys.
33:48You'll never guess what it's called.
33:51LAUGHTER
33:52This week on Cuts!
33:54LAUGHTER
33:55APPLAUSE
33:59Meanwhile, why has former Prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor
34:02had a bad week?
34:03He applied for a job as a netball coach.
34:05LAUGHTER
34:07You think that's bad?
34:08I got sacked from my job as a set-piece coach with a football team.
34:11I was in charge of the free kicks and stuff, and laziness.
34:14Again, they pulled me in and said, have you been cutting corners?
34:16Yeah, yeah.
34:18LAUGHTER
34:22You think that's bad?
34:24I got sacked from Muller.
34:27LAUGHTER
34:27Wanking in the staff room.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:37Is it how many people in the audience are currently livid
34:40that Janine said sports instead of sport?
34:42LAUGHTER
34:43I let it go, I let it go.
34:45But I...
34:45There's more than one sport.
34:47There's more than one sport.
34:48Sports.
34:48Well, then, stop saying math.
34:51LAUGHTER
34:53APPLAUSE
34:57My policies are green.
34:59My heart is green.
35:00Cut me and I bleed green.
35:01I really am very ill.
35:04LAUGHTER
35:06I think it's a World Cup question, isn't it?
35:09It is.
35:10And what is the answer?
35:11It is...
35:12How many teams are left in the World Cup?
35:13Stop.
35:13Thank you very much, Edward.
35:15APPLAUSE
35:19Yes.
35:20The question I was looking for was...
35:23Stop it now.
35:24Look, I'm doing a three and a two.
35:27LAUGHTER
35:28Oh, do you want the answer again?
35:29OK, Grant.
35:30Just give us the answer again.
35:32Yes.
35:32How many teams are left in the World Cup?
35:33Oh, you cunt.
35:33Thank you very much, Hugh.
35:36Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
35:37No, no, no, no.
35:38No.
35:39We genuinely need one that isn't punctured with the word,
35:42oh, you cunt.
35:43LAUGHTER
35:44You answer it.
35:46No, you answer it, yeah.
35:47OK, OK.
35:47Is it how many teams have you left in the World Cup?
35:49You cunt.
35:50You cunt.
35:51You cunt me, Ethan.
35:55And...
35:55Relax, then.
35:56Ed, do you have the answer for any chance?
35:58Yes, how many teams are in the fucking World Cup, mate?
36:01LAUGHTER
36:02I want to go home.
36:05Is it how many teams are left in the World Cup?
36:07Absolutely right.
36:08Thank you very much, Ed.
36:09Very, very, very good.
36:12The question I was looking for was how many teams now remain
36:16at the cunting World Cup?
36:22Join us after the break for more about food.
36:33Now we play a game called Do You Think That's Bad?
36:35In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
36:38this is a chance for our performers to compete,
36:39to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
36:41and I decide whose is the worst.
36:43Anyone care to start us off?
36:44My girlfriend recently told me she's got a daddy kink,
36:47but now she keeps getting annoyed when I turn down the heating
36:49and only text back, OK.
36:52Do you think that's bad?
36:54Me and my wife have started communicating
36:55through the passive-aggressive exchange of mugs.
37:00This is how we talk to each other now.
37:01It starts off kind of gentle, like,
37:02you'll get a Mr Messy mug for Christmas,
37:04she'll get a Little Miss Scatterbrain mug for her birthday
37:07and the next thing you know,
37:08you're drinking out of a mug with
37:09I hope you spilled this on your balls written up.
37:13I don't even know where you can buy a mug with
37:15I could have married Darrow Britton.
37:19LAUGHTER
37:21Wow!
37:23I think that's bad.
37:24In my World Cup sweepstake, I got that Somalian referee.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:30I didn't know about this round.
37:31It's fun.
37:32I like it.
37:33But, like, I thought it was just sort of,
37:35oh, you think that's bad and then you say a fun bit,
37:38but I...
37:39Which it is, but I thought it was just you share a sad bit from your life.
37:43I've got loads of them.
37:44Yeah.
37:45I've just written...
37:46I've just written...
37:47This is genuinely true.
37:48Came third in a dog look-alike competition.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:54APPLAUSE
37:55That's brilliant.
37:56When I...
38:00When I was, like, ten...
38:02Yeah, oh, phew.
38:03OK, that's important.
38:03Yeah, not now.
38:04Important context.
38:06No, you'd smash it to dip.
38:07No.
38:08LAUGHTER
38:10It was so...
38:11It was so bad.
38:12It was, like, a day where you could bring your pet into school.
38:15And one of the games was, like, you can come to...
38:17So, the first prize, like, a girl had fully painted herself
38:20like her Dalmatian.
38:21Mm-hm.
38:22And then the second prize was somebody who was in bunny ears
38:24and they looked like their rabbit.
38:25And then I could...
38:26It's such a core memory, I can remember the teacher going...
38:28And third place?
38:30Maisie.
38:31I had a black Labrador at the time.
38:33LAUGHTER
38:35Thank God.
38:36And I had to stand there with a rosette.
38:39Oh, no, you hadn't made...
38:40You actually hadn't made any effort at all.
38:42I hadn't dressed up.
38:42No, I hadn't dressed up.
38:42I was just a ten-year-old in jeans and a T-shirt
38:44and I'm one-third for looking like my dog.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:49I'm glad I've shared that.
38:52LAUGHTER
38:52You think that's bad?
38:53It's just...
38:54I'm such a narcissist, I entered a look-alike competition
38:56for myself and came instantly.
39:00LAUGHTER
39:01APPLAUSE
39:05The cap's not grey, is it?
39:07Like, I feel like he thinks the cap is a good look.
39:10You have seen his hair, right?
39:11Yeah.
39:12Yeah.
39:13What did you think I asked for in the salon?
39:16LAUGHTER
39:18They said it's helpful if you bring a picture.
39:21LAUGHTER
39:21It was either that or a picture of your dog.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:28APPLAUSE
39:31Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
39:34so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
39:37I'll read out this week's topics and see what our panellists
39:39can come up with.
39:40OK.
39:41Here we go.
39:42The first subject is...
39:44Things you don't want to hear from your party guest.
39:47OK, everyone, time to put the car keys in the ball.
39:50Not you two.
39:51Not you two.
39:53LAUGHTER
39:54OK, OK.
39:55Good news first.
39:56You're about to save a fortune on dog food.
40:00LAUGHTER
40:03I guess you're enjoying watching the World Cup.
40:05No?
40:07Why have you got so many England flags?
40:09LAUGHTER
40:11Hey, I just...
40:11I wanted to let you know that this guy,
40:13he came, like, stumbling down the stairs.
40:15Quite a short guy.
40:17And he was a bit of a mess.
40:18He was wearing, like, a one-piece.
40:20Anyway, he was crying and asking for his mum,
40:22so I put him in a taxi.
40:25LAUGHTER
40:31He said to bring a dish,
40:32so here's a commemorative plate of Prince Andrew's wedding day.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:38Well, the dinner invite said arrive at seven,
40:41so...
40:41Good morning!
40:43LAUGHTER
40:46OK, left hand blue.
40:48That means I've sat on it long enough,
40:49it'll feel like someone else is doing it.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:54Sorry, I've got a bit of a dicky to me,
40:56so I would give it a few minutes before you go in your garden.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:04Is it OK if I park my car in your garage,
41:06shut the garage door, sit in it and leave the engine on?
41:10LAUGHTER
41:14LAUGHTER
41:16Ha...
41:16Lord Shipman's coming, is that all right?
41:19LAUGHTER
41:21How about we play Traitors?
41:23OK, I'll go first.
41:25I think it's Janet, cos she's fucking my brother.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31Sorry, the place is a fucking mess,
41:33but thanks for having us.
41:36LAUGHTER
41:38Hello.
41:39Thanks for having us.
41:40We know it said bring your own booze, so...
41:42Ahem.
41:43Boo!
41:44LAUGHTER
41:46OK, two truths and a lie.
41:48I'm a Sagittarius, I love cats and 9-11.
41:52LAUGHTER
41:54LAUGHTER
41:57Can you hold this while I have a piss?
42:00It's my penis.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:04Oh, I've done you a favour, mate.
42:05It was looking pretty full,
42:06so I've emptied that massive ashtray you keep on the mantelpiece.
42:10LAUGHTER
42:11LAUGHTER
42:13OK, the next topic is...
42:15Unlikely things to hear at the World Cup.
42:18Well, there goes the whistle.
42:21Give us back our whistle.
42:23LAUGHTER
42:28And the game ends in a shoot-out,
42:30but we all knew the risks hosting a World Cup in America.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:38Oh, and that's a terrible own goal for Saudi Arabia.
42:43The manager has his head in his hands.
42:46LAUGHTER
42:52Whoever wins this gets the Strait of Hormuz.
42:56LAUGHTER
42:59Well, England are just 90 minutes from the victory.
43:03What the fuck are they doing in Portsmouth?
43:07LAUGHTER
43:12And the referee has consulted VAR,
43:15and the verdict is in.
43:16That thinks he's a wanker too.
43:21Welcome to the Men's World Cup.
43:27Well, let's see who's in the England War.
43:31Bellingham, Kane, sack of rice.
43:34That's odd.
43:36Are you allowed to use a sack of rice?
43:38LAUGHTER
43:43Well, the England players do have to be careful,
43:46as they sing the national anthem.
43:47If enough of them accidentally sing Queen,
43:50she will be summoned.
43:51LAUGHTER
43:54Well, you don't see it very often,
43:56but they've gone for a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation.
44:01LAUGHTER
44:02That is the Brazilian style, so...
44:05LAUGHTER
44:08And it's a pitch invasion,
44:10or as the Americans call it,
44:12a pitch regime change.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:18We are so glad this is in America.
44:22LAUGHTER
44:25We all remember Paul the octopus,
44:27we all remember Achilles the cat.
44:29Well, this year, we've got Oscar the tapeworm.
44:32LAUGHTER
44:32I'll just swat over these flags,
44:34see which he pops out to pick, shall we?
44:36LAUGHTER
44:39So, America, have a free kick now.
44:42The Mexicans have formed a wall, but...
44:44Yes, OK, America is going to make them pay for it.
44:48LAUGHTER
44:49And the crowd are now chanting...
44:52He's orange, he's got piles,
44:54and he's in the Epstein files, he's Donald Trump!
44:56LAUGHTER
44:57He's Donald Trump!
44:58APPLAUSE
45:02Well, it is very difficult to see what is happening
45:05from the commentary position,
45:06because of the ticket price,
45:08we are in Ryslip.
45:10LAUGHTER
45:14The Slovenian unhappy with the Americans' disgusting tackle,
45:18but Melania chose to marry him,
45:19and she knew she was something...
45:20LAUGHTER
45:24Wow, this player is really already being dubbed
45:27the next Maradona,
45:28because he's a fucking massive coke head.
45:31LAUGHTER
45:33So, we're just going to have to wait for the singing
45:35of the FIFA anthem.
45:38FIFA Faux Fam.
45:41I smell the money of a football fan.
45:48Fed up of people talking about how fat,
45:50bald and ugly you are,
45:52why not give them something else to talk about,
45:54like perhaps your new glasses?
45:56LAUGHTER
45:58LAUGHTER
45:59Thank you, thank you.
46:01APPLAUSE
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