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FunTranscript
00:00:29Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:33CastingWords
00:01:17CastingWords
00:01:19CastingWords
00:01:25We do it for one reason.
00:01:27Nothing in the world makes us feel so good.
00:01:31Don't! Don't!
00:01:32That hurts!
00:01:34Oh, poor Kate. Let me make it better.
00:01:37Ow!
00:01:38You're ugly. You're ugly!
00:01:52First love is the most powerful because no one's been hurt yet.
00:01:55My first love was Bobby Norton.
00:01:59Everything he did had a sort of magic to it.
00:02:01The way he smiled, the way he talked,
00:02:04the way he walked like my favorite actor, Billy Jack.
00:02:07Bobby was a movie star.
00:02:21Hi.
00:02:22Hi.
00:02:24You okay?
00:02:25Maybe you shouldn't shove so hard next time.
00:02:33My heart just got bigger.
00:02:40When I look at you like this,
00:02:42it looks like you only have one eye.
00:02:59One of the many differences between men and women
00:03:01when it comes to love
00:03:02is the need to tell the world every little detail.
00:03:06If you do choose to spill your guts to someone,
00:03:09just make sure it isn't Becky Sussman.
00:03:20Bobby, are you okay?
00:03:22How could you do it?
00:03:24What did I do?
00:03:25You told everybody.
00:03:26How could you do that?
00:03:28All my friends are making fun of me
00:03:30and now it's over.
00:03:32It's over.
00:03:35Bobby!
00:03:37Bobby!
00:03:38I'll tell your friends I was lying!
00:03:43I'll let you hit me harder!
00:03:47Bobby?
00:03:49Love is a minefield.
00:03:50You take a step,
00:03:51get blown to pieces,
00:03:53put yourself back together again,
00:03:55and stupidly take another step.
00:03:57I guess that's human nature.
00:03:59It hurts so much to be alone
00:04:01that we all rather blow up than be single.
00:04:10Clouds and chimneys rise,
00:04:13there's something wild and free.
00:04:16That river always runs
00:04:20away from here.
00:04:22And you and me,
00:04:24you're our honey child.
00:04:27Oh, my honey child.
00:04:36These stones are in your hands
00:04:40through the air across the sea.
00:04:43Hi, Frank.
00:04:45Hey.
00:04:47You know, that doesn't make the elevator
00:04:50go any faster, Kate.
00:04:52Yeah, uh, I know.
00:04:53But it makes me feel more involved.
00:04:56Are you angry?
00:04:57No, why?
00:04:58Oh, I just, I just heard this thing
00:05:00where, uh, single women
00:05:01tend to be eight times angrier
00:05:03than married women.
00:05:04Maybe you should write an article
00:05:05about that since, you know,
00:05:06you're not married.
00:05:08Uh, yeah.
00:05:09I would.
00:05:10But, uh,
00:05:11I'm in the middle of writing an article
00:05:12on, uh, married bald guys
00:05:14who can't get a heart
00:05:14without Viagra.
00:05:17Oh, yeah.
00:05:18Pull me closer,
00:05:21closer still,
00:05:23and closer say,
00:05:26I always will.
00:05:32Oh, my honey child.
00:05:39Come on.
00:05:47You're late.
00:05:48I know.
00:05:50Not a good day to be late.
00:05:52Why not?
00:05:53Because the Antichrist
00:05:54is really pissed at you.
00:05:55She said she wants to see you
00:05:56in her office right now.
00:05:58Oh, God.
00:05:59Why?
00:06:00Well, I'm not supposed to say.
00:06:06Do you have any stretch marks?
00:06:08Not yet.
00:06:09Damn!
00:06:10I have a deadline
00:06:10on my vitamin E piece.
00:06:12I know that heifer
00:06:13in accounting has them,
00:06:14but she's not talking.
00:06:15Does anybody have any stretch marks?
00:06:19Sit down.
00:06:26Oh, God.
00:06:28Don't get old, Kate.
00:06:30Old is ugly.
00:06:31Ugly is death.
00:06:36You're fired.
00:06:37What?
00:06:37Get me, Leo.
00:06:38Was this a joke?
00:06:39I mean, were you planning on turning in the article I signed to you after I read that one?
00:06:43Well, you said I should make the article my own, so I did.
00:06:45Kate.
00:06:46Kate, this is a step-by-step description of sucking cocks.
00:06:50Right.
00:06:50Actually, I called it a blow-by-blow.
00:06:52Very clever.
00:06:53When life sucks, so should you.
00:06:55Oral sex can cure depression.
00:06:58What the fuck are you thinking?
00:06:59All right.
00:07:00So maybe the title's a little harsh, but I found a great hook.
00:07:03Don't you think?
00:07:04When I said make it your own, I meant draw from your own experiences and relationships.
00:07:08That's what I did.
00:07:10I mean, I know ten times more about blowjobs than I do about relationships.
00:07:14I failed at every relationship I've ever been in.
00:07:17Kate, I don't know what's going on in your personal life, and I really don't give a shit.
00:07:20The point is, our readers still have hope.
00:07:23This is called Monique magazine.
00:07:24Monique, my name is at stake here.
00:07:26It is not called tired old jaded dick sucker review.
00:07:29All right.
00:07:30What if Mary writes the piece on perfect relationships, and I do the little thing on stretch marks.
00:07:35I know tons of people with stretch marks.
00:07:39Okay.
00:07:41I'm going to be completely honest with you here.
00:07:44I can't cope with being fired.
00:07:47This is the only thing in my entire life I haven't failed at.
00:07:51I can do the assignment.
00:07:53I know I can.
00:07:54Can you finish 2,500 happy perky words by deadline tonight?
00:07:57Absolutely.
00:07:58Then you are temporarily unfired.
00:08:00Now get the fuck out of my office.
00:08:09Shit, shit, shit.
00:08:11So are you fired?
00:08:14Not yet.
00:08:16Hey, somebody made a copy of your blowjob article and circulated it.
00:08:20Pretty good.
00:08:22So use your hands, huh?
00:08:40Happy perky notes on how to find and keep that perfect man.
00:08:55We all want to be loved.
00:08:58Sometimes it doesn't even matter who loves us, as long as they make us feel less alone.
00:09:04What makes a relationship last forever?
00:09:07I guess if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be living alone with my four cats.
00:09:18They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince.
00:09:21Richard Milner was the most boring frog I ever dated.
00:09:25But sometimes you just have to get out of the house.
00:09:27The masculine and the feminine.
00:09:32Boy, we lucked out pretty good.
00:09:34You know, my mother's corns aren't usually this bad.
00:09:38But lucky for us, she wasn't able to walk well enough to come to the show.
00:09:42It's haunting, don't you think?
00:09:45What?
00:09:47The paintings, they're pretty disturbing.
00:09:52You think?
00:09:53Well, if I had a kid, definitely wouldn't put one of these up in his bedroom.
00:09:59Unless I hated them.
00:10:02Man, my father would have hung stuff like this from my ceilings.
00:10:06He hated me.
00:10:08You know, my mother hated me, too.
00:10:10And she used to tell me I was dying of cancer when I was four.
00:10:15But then, always sent me into these deep depressions, you know, which is exactly what she wanted,
00:10:20because then I wouldn't ask her to make me lunch.
00:10:22And she hated it when I bugged her for food and stuff.
00:10:29Hey, would you like a champagne?
00:10:31What?
00:10:32A champagne. Would you like one?
00:10:34Yeah, absolutely.
00:10:35Okay.
00:10:50Are you looking for me?
00:10:53No.
00:10:55I wasn't really looking for anything.
00:10:58Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?
00:11:01Sure.
00:11:04In the corner?
00:11:06In the corner?
00:11:07I don't like the middle of rooms.
00:11:08Just come in the corner.
00:11:10Nobody's behind you in the corner.
00:11:11Okay.
00:11:12Okay.
00:11:15Okay.
00:11:23So, who's that guy you're with?
00:11:25What guy?
00:11:26Oh, uh, Richard.
00:11:27He's a stand-up comedian.
00:11:29Hey, seems funny.
00:11:30Is he your boyfriend?
00:11:31Richard?
00:11:32No.
00:11:33No, I mean, he's 30 years old, and he lives with his mother.
00:11:36So, what do you think of the paintings?
00:11:37Well, I love the style, but I think they're a little immature.
00:11:41Immature?
00:11:42Hmm.
00:11:42Oh, what makes you say that?
00:11:44Well, look at that one over there.
00:11:46Yeah.
00:11:47What the hell's that supposed to mean?
00:11:49That?
00:11:49I think that one's supposed to mean that there's a woman pulling a severed head out of her ass.
00:11:55Yeah, so what's the point?
00:11:56What do I learn from it?
00:11:58Maybe that's it.
00:11:59Maybe there's no point.
00:12:01You're not supposed to learn anything.
00:12:03I wonder what the artist looks like.
00:12:05He must be pretty scary with shit like that coming out of his head.
00:12:08Yeah, well, maybe he has a highly developed dark side that you might not be in contact with.
00:12:14So, how long did it take you to paint that one?
00:12:22Oh, gosh.
00:12:23There you are.
00:12:24I've been looking all over for you.
00:12:26You are a doll.
00:12:28Look at this.
00:12:29Uh, Richard, Adam leaving.
00:12:33Oh, wow.
00:12:35Wow, you're the artist.
00:12:36Wow, you're the lucky guy.
00:12:38Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:12:39We were just getting around and discussing our future children.
00:12:43Right, but I don't think you're going to have a future together.
00:12:46Um, sorry, excuse me?
00:12:48See, in order to have a future, I would assume that you would need to see the person again.
00:12:51You're not going to be seeing her anymore because she's my girlfriend now.
00:12:53What?
00:12:54What?
00:12:55Well, from the moment we laid eyes on each other, we had this immediate spark.
00:13:00Isn't that right, uh, uh...
00:13:02Kate.
00:13:03Kate.
00:13:03Isn't that right, Kate?
00:13:04No, actually.
00:13:05Oh, I...
00:13:06Oh, is this some kind of joke?
00:13:08No, no, but this is two guys walk into a bar.
00:13:12One guy is a 30-year-old stand-up comedian who lives with his mother.
00:13:19Okay, could we, uh, go now, please?
00:13:27You know what?
00:13:28It is women like you who turn men into weirdos.
00:13:31Richard.
00:13:32No, no, don't bother.
00:13:33You know, one side would hurt.
00:13:34There's no turning back.
00:13:39Wow, that wasn't cool.
00:13:40I did...
00:13:41I made it weird.
00:13:42You just mean you shouldn't have done that.
00:13:43I know, I know.
00:13:47So, where should we eat?
00:14:03You are, without a doubt, the tallest woman I've ever met in my life.
00:14:08Really?
00:14:08Mm-hmm.
00:14:11Can I see your hands?
00:14:12I've been noticing them.
00:14:13You just have these, like, long E.T. fingers.
00:14:17Like a tree frog.
00:14:22Oh, my God.
00:14:24Oh, my...
00:14:24How big?
00:14:26Size 11.
00:14:27Size 11?
00:14:28Yeah, size 11.
00:14:29Woman size 11?
00:14:30Is this some kind of artist thing, focusing on people's flaws?
00:14:33I don't see them as flaws.
00:14:34I see them as God's little artistic choices.
00:14:36So, I guess God decided to give you this abnormally large head.
00:14:41See?
00:14:42Now, you know what's different about that?
00:14:43Because you're being shitty and mean, and I was celebrating your body, who you are.
00:14:48You were celebrating my body?
00:14:50Yeah, I was.
00:14:51You know, I like this part of the relationship normally.
00:14:54And what part is that?
00:14:55When it's new, you know?
00:14:57You get to ask all the fun questions.
00:14:59Hmm, right.
00:15:00And me first.
00:15:01Okay.
00:15:02Uh, what's your relationship like with your dad?
00:15:06Um, my dad's dead.
00:15:08He was hit by a car in front of me when I was six.
00:15:11Oh, God.
00:15:12I'm so sorry.
00:15:13I don't...
00:15:14Just kidding.
00:15:15We get along great.
00:15:17Any brothers and sisters?
00:15:19It's my turn.
00:15:20No, I've taken your turn away.
00:15:21Any brothers or sisters?
00:15:22I have three older brothers.
00:15:23How many women have you slept with?
00:15:26Excuse me?
00:15:27Oh, come on.
00:15:28It's not like you haven't counted them.
00:15:29How many?
00:15:30Uh, how many men have you slept with?
00:15:32Not that many.
00:15:33Thirteen.
00:15:35Thirteen?
00:15:36Mm-hmm.
00:15:37As, like, thirteen different guys?
00:15:39Yeah.
00:15:40Spread out over the years, that's not so many.
00:15:44Aren't you going to answer the question?
00:15:49Two.
00:15:50Okay?
00:15:53Two?
00:15:54That's it?
00:15:55That's it.
00:15:56You know, some of us actually believe in having full relationships.
00:15:59I know that might be hard.
00:15:59Hey, I believe in relationships.
00:16:01Mine just happen to be short ones.
00:16:04I'm sorry.
00:16:05I just can't...
00:16:05You're like a whore.
00:16:10Excuse me?
00:16:11You are.
00:16:12Thirteen.
00:16:12Jesus Christ.
00:16:13Give me a break.
00:16:16So were you popular in high school?
00:16:18What do you think?
00:16:21I guess that's a no.
00:16:23I don't need this shit.
00:16:23I really don't.
00:16:24I happen to have been very popular in high school.
00:16:27I was an artist.
00:16:28I used to draw all the pretty girls.
00:16:29I used to make them look even better than they did.
00:16:31They all loved me.
00:16:33No, they didn't sleep with me, but they loved me.
00:16:36But how about you?
00:16:37You were probably real popular with that attitude.
00:16:39You must have been like the girls from Carrie.
00:16:41Nope.
00:16:42No.
00:16:42I had huge bug teeth and bony knees, and I slouched because I was trying to hide the fact that
00:16:47I hadn't grown any boobs yet.
00:16:49And my hair was all stringy, and everybody called me horse face.
00:16:52Horse face?
00:16:54Yeah, it suits you.
00:16:55Oh, you think so?
00:16:56Oh, I like it, yeah.
00:16:57You like it?
00:16:57Yeah.
00:16:58What's the longest kiss you've ever had?
00:17:00The longest kiss?
00:17:03Yeah, but you know what?
00:17:04Don't tell me.
00:17:04I'll just make me jealous.
00:17:05Just make sure this one's longer, okay?
00:17:15Adam was unlike any guy I'd ever known.
00:17:18We were instant best friends.
00:17:20Two people who understood each other without having to say a word.
00:17:24It wasn't like that at all in my first relationship.
00:17:29I guess it was sort of a bad idea to give up my virginity to my high school French teacher.
00:17:40If two people who want to be a couple of them, it is good when they are making love with
00:17:45each other because they feel nice.
00:17:47Compris?
00:17:48What?
00:17:50Let's make love.
00:17:53We will, Mr. Beaux-Zard.
00:17:55I promise.
00:17:57I don't think I can tonight, though.
00:18:00I'm not really ready yet.
00:18:02You are not ready because you feel you and I do not have the quality of life together with
00:18:06each other.
00:18:07I am sad for this.
00:18:09What?
00:18:10Let's make love, Sherry, please.
00:18:11I'm waiting for so long.
00:18:14Will it hurt?
00:18:16Do not be scary.
00:18:17I am sad for you needing me.
00:18:29Mr. Beaux-Zard, are you doing it?
00:18:37I can't believe it.
00:18:38This was supposed to hurt.
00:18:41Maybe it's because I've ridden horses all my life.
00:18:44Are you smaller than most guys?
00:18:49My older man-daddy phase continued on past high school and right into college.
00:18:54I was not a very evolved person by the time I ran into Eric.
00:19:04Are you okay?
00:19:05Are you blind?
00:19:06I'm sorry.
00:19:07Are you out of your mind?
00:19:08What's wrong with you?
00:19:08This is a brand new car.
00:19:10Oh, my God.
00:19:11You could have fucking killed me.
00:19:13What are you doing?
00:19:13Hey, hey, okay, shh.
00:19:15I said I'm sorry, all right?
00:19:16This is our money.
00:19:17I said I'm sorry, all right?
00:19:18I didn't see you.
00:19:19You didn't see me?
00:19:20I didn't see you.
00:19:21Well, you're painting your fucking toenails.
00:19:22Hey, listen, fuckface.
00:19:24I didn't see you, okay?
00:19:26I didn't wake up this morning and then go, oh, gee, today's the day I'm going to crash
00:19:29into some fucking upside yuppie, all right?
00:19:32You know what, lady?
00:19:33Fuck you, okay?
00:19:34Fuck you.
00:19:34Fuck you.
00:19:35Oh, yeah?
00:19:37Oh, shit.
00:19:38Fuck.
00:19:39Fuck.
00:19:39All right?
00:19:40There.
00:19:41You just see that?
00:19:42There.
00:19:44Okay, break it out.
00:19:46Break it out.
00:19:47Shut up.
00:19:48Hands behind your back.
00:19:50Get up.
00:19:51Get up.
00:19:52Get up there.
00:19:55You know, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
00:19:57The wrong foot?
00:19:58He just beat the shit out of my car.
00:20:01I'm sorry about that.
00:20:03Let's just, maybe we can start over again, all right?
00:20:06What, you got any plans for dinner tonight?
00:20:07You know, after we make bail?
00:20:14So this is where writers hang out, huh?
00:20:16Mm-hmm.
00:20:19What do you write about?
00:20:21I'm working on a novel between my journalism classes at UCLA.
00:20:24Ooh.
00:20:25Novel, huh?
00:20:26Mm-hmm.
00:20:27What's it about?
00:20:28Death.
00:20:30Oh, that sounds interesting.
00:20:35So what do you do?
00:20:38I work a lot with big red-ass monkeys.
00:20:42It's a band, you know.
00:20:44You know the band?
00:20:46Big red-ass monkeys are here.
00:20:48I direct music videos.
00:20:49Isn't that the one where the, uh, naked girl swims with a chimp?
00:20:54Eight.
00:20:55Great eight.
00:20:56Right.
00:20:56I guess chimps don't have those big red-asses.
00:21:00I don't know.
00:21:01I never check.
00:21:11You think maybe I could kiss you?
00:21:15Maybe later.
00:21:17Maybe later when?
00:21:18Maybe later, like, in five seconds.
00:21:22Five, four, three, two, one.
00:21:26Oh, my God.
00:21:43Oh, my God.
00:21:45Oh, my God.
00:21:53All right.
00:21:55Oh, my God.
00:22:17I hate when that happens.
00:22:22A toast to our three-week anniversary.
00:22:31You know, I think this is the longest relationship I've ever been in.
00:22:35Well, I'm not counting Mr. Boisard, which lasted one semester.
00:22:39Oh, God, did I ever tell you you're...
00:22:40Could we not talk about your high school French teacher?
00:22:43It really disturbs me.
00:22:44Okay.
00:22:46Good.
00:22:47So, what about your last relationship?
00:22:50Oh, God, what about...
00:22:52Well, how long was it again?
00:22:54Five miserable years.
00:22:57What do you have in common?
00:22:58Mmm, nothing.
00:23:01What do we have in common?
00:23:04We have a lot in common.
00:23:06Like what?
00:23:11Like, how many people do you know who can comfortably have sex in public places?
00:23:18Every guy I've ever met.
00:23:22Morning.
00:23:23You know what day today is, don't you?
00:23:24What?
00:23:25Sunday morning.
00:23:27My turn.
00:23:30I thought it was my turn.
00:23:31Nope.
00:23:33It's my turn.
00:23:38You know what?
00:23:39This game is idiotic.
00:23:41It's not spontaneous.
00:23:43It's scheduled.
00:23:44That's not true.
00:23:45You see, scheduled spontaneity is the key to long-term love.
00:23:52I don't look so happy.
00:23:55I like Sundays.
00:24:00Careful, careful.
00:24:08I'm not getting that.
00:24:10That's sticking weight.
00:24:12Come on.
00:24:14You get it, or you're not getting it.
00:24:16I can't get it.
00:24:24I'll be back.
00:24:30Just don't lose your concentration, okay?
00:24:34Oh, where are you going, huh?
00:24:36Oh, now you want some, don't you?
00:24:38All right, just hold that thought, okay?
00:24:40Daddy!
00:24:44Daddy, guess what?
00:24:45I got a kitty, and I need a kitty.
00:24:46We're going to go.
00:24:47Come on, sweet.
00:24:47Come with Mommy.
00:24:48Come on, will you?
00:24:48Come on, will you?
00:24:48Come on, will you?
00:24:49Come on, will you?
00:24:50Come on, will you?
00:24:50Mel, will you wait?
00:24:51Mel!
00:24:54Kate, Kate!
00:24:55I can explain.
00:24:55Kate!
00:24:56Will you come back?
00:24:58I'm trying to find you.
00:24:59Please!
00:25:00Will you stop?
00:25:00Will you stop?
00:25:01What are you?
00:25:03I understand how you feel, okay?
00:25:05No, no, no, no, no, you don't.
00:25:06You have no idea how anyone feels.
00:25:07You're a sociopath.
00:25:08Look, I'm planning on getting a divorce.
00:25:10Don't ever touch me.
00:25:13Kate!
00:25:14Daddy!
00:25:18Even when bad relationships end, the pain can be severe enough to screw you up for years.
00:25:23We all pick up a little baggage after every breakup.
00:25:26The hope is that when the bags start to accumulate, we're still able to drag them into the next relationship.
00:25:32Fortunately, when Adam and I moved in together, my carry-on baggage was fairly light.
00:25:40Hey, let's put that one in the bedroom.
00:25:42I was going to put Paul's entrails in the bedroom.
00:25:44No, no, no, it's better for the bathroom.
00:25:46If you want to be obvious.
00:25:48Okay, whatever you want.
00:25:55I love you, horse face.
00:25:56I love you, too.
00:25:58I love you.
00:25:59I mean, I love you more than I've ever loved anybody ever in my life.
00:26:06Where are you going?
00:26:09Kate?
00:26:13Oh, God.
00:26:14Okay, say it.
00:26:16Why do you want me to say it again?
00:26:17Because it was cute, and I want that cute moment saved forever.
00:26:21Honey, it's not going to sound cute.
00:26:22It's going to sound forced, and I'm irritated, so could we just...
00:26:25Just say it.
00:26:26I love you.
00:26:29Horse face.
00:26:30I love you, horse face.
00:26:32I love you, too.
00:26:33Now, strip.
00:26:34Strip?
00:26:35Strip.
00:26:36Put the toy away, and we'll...
00:26:38Come on.
00:26:40Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
00:26:41Come on.
00:26:42Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
00:26:43Take it off.
00:26:44Come on.
00:26:44Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
00:26:45Whip it out.
00:26:46Do it now.
00:26:50Yeah, hey.
00:26:54Yeah, once I was a boogie singer, playing in a rock and roll band.
00:27:04I never had no problems, yeah.
00:27:09Running down the one-night stands, playing everything around me, yeah.
00:27:17Got to start to feelin' so low.
00:27:22Hittin' out of the side and quickly.
00:27:25Yes, I did.
00:27:26To disco down and check out the show.
00:27:30Yeah, they were dancin' and singin' and movin' to the movin' and just...
00:27:38When you finally get to share your lonely bed with the one you love, life just doesn't
00:27:43get any better.
00:27:45Oh, God.
00:27:47Oh, baby.
00:27:48Hey, that was on me.
00:27:49Stop.
00:27:50Stop it.
00:27:51Come on.
00:27:52That's you.
00:27:53That's the first time you...
00:27:54That was your first fart.
00:27:55Come here, baby.
00:27:57That was your first fart.
00:27:58You do love me.
00:27:59Don't blame it on me.
00:28:02That's so cute.
00:28:03You're embarrassed.
00:28:04Come here.
00:28:05Come here.
00:28:05No woman has ever farted in front of me before.
00:28:08Another light of the moon.
00:28:10Mother Earth.
00:28:13Will fall asleep so soon.
00:28:16Dream of many a thing.
00:28:19Before.
00:28:21She'll slowly wake up and then.
00:28:26We're not too early for the morning train.
00:28:30Cause the alarm clock rovers slept again.
00:28:33And when the day is done, the battle's won.
00:28:38But she'll never know what's going on.
00:28:43I'll never find out there.
00:28:46Get up, stay down.
00:28:50Get up, stay down.
00:28:51Get up, stay down.
00:28:52Okay.
00:29:00Hi.
00:29:01Hi.
00:29:02Hi.
00:29:09What?
00:29:11What?
00:29:12Why are you smiling at me like that?
00:29:14Because it's our one-year anniversary. You should be smiling, too.
00:29:19I guess so.
00:29:21Come here.
00:29:23Come on.
00:29:25No, come here.
00:29:27Come on, are you a grouchy little bunny?
00:29:29Yeah.
00:29:29Yeah.
00:29:31Well, I'm gonna be taking you someplace very special today.
00:29:35Where?
00:29:36Well, it's a surprise.
00:29:38Now go fill me a tub and I'll take you.
00:29:40Now, in the middle of the day?
00:29:41I'm feeling very, very dirty. I need a tub.
00:29:45Forget it.
00:29:46It's our anniversary. Could you just fill me a tub?
00:29:49Come on, you big grouch. Just go.
00:29:51My God, it's like pulling teeth with you to get anything.
00:29:59Oh, my God!
00:30:03Are you insane? What are we gonna do with all these kitties?
00:30:07I don't know. We'll make stew, I figured.
00:30:09What are they doing in there?
00:30:12What are you doing? They like you, obviously.
00:30:14This one's Louie, this one's Murray, this one's Steve, and this one is Mordecai.
00:30:20I got them from the Chinese restaurant.
00:30:23Hi, Mommy.
00:30:26Hello. Aren't I cute?
00:30:28Hi.
00:30:30You're my new mommy now.
00:30:33But the other 13 guys you slept with think it's your litter and cute little kiddies like,
00:30:36this, this day.
00:30:37I'm pregnant.
00:30:42You're... really?
00:30:43I took the little stick test this morning and it turned pink.
00:30:47Pink? Is it... isn't it supposed to be like a plus sign?
00:30:51Believe it or not, Adam, I know how to pee on the stick and read directions.
00:30:58Well, I thought we were being safe.
00:31:00Yeah, I guess not safe enough.
00:31:04God, we hardly know each other.
00:31:07We know each other.
00:31:08I just don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, Adam.
00:31:11I'm too confused, too immature, too messy.
00:31:15Well, what about abortion?
00:31:17Did you ever think about that?
00:31:20Possibility?
00:31:24I...
00:31:26I just... I never thought this would happen to me.
00:31:29I... I don't know what to do.
00:31:31Okay, baby. Here, come here.
00:31:32Shh, shh.
00:31:33Don't worry, okay?
00:31:34A lot of people think this is the world's greatest anniversary present.
00:31:39Really? What do you think?
00:31:41I'll tell you what I think.
00:31:42I think that our baby would be the cutest little thing that ever walked around in poopy pants.
00:31:49You wouldn't be scared.
00:31:51Of what?
00:31:52Of doing the most natural thing in the world?
00:31:56Of bringing a gorgeous little brilliant little genius into the world?
00:31:59No.
00:32:00No, I wouldn't be scared at all.
00:32:02What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius?
00:32:04What if it was an ugly little troll?
00:32:06Well, I guess we just have to pray to God that the baby takes after me.
00:32:14We can name it Ned.
00:32:15Right? After my grandfather.
00:32:17What if it's a little girl?
00:32:18Nedina, you call it.
00:32:20Now, this one needs to be changed.
00:32:22I want you to practice and show me how the good mommy you're gonna be.
00:32:26God, my stomach is huge.
00:32:30I look like Buddha.
00:32:32That doesn't change.
00:32:33You're the same as you've always been.
00:32:35So, what was that a Buddha gut?
00:32:38You've calmed down.
00:32:39You've been pregnant a month.
00:32:40The baby's the size of a sea monkey.
00:32:42Pretty soon you're gonna get swallowed a Volkswagen.
00:32:44Yeah, well, you have an abnormally large head.
00:32:47Come on, horse face. Get over here.
00:32:50Come on.
00:32:54Let's see what we got here.
00:32:57Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
00:32:59Yeah. Ned says he wants a womb with a view.
00:33:02Ned's not very funny.
00:33:03Well, Ned's just a fetus.
00:33:05We should cut Ned a little slack.
00:33:10And I think you're more beautiful than ever.
00:33:28Forget what you don't have.
00:33:32Forget that you don't.
00:33:35Kate.
00:33:37Kate.
00:33:43Kate?
00:33:49Kate?
00:33:51You okay, baby?
00:33:57Okay?
00:34:00What's wrong, baby? What's wrong?
00:34:06I'm bleeding.
00:34:08No, something is wrong.
00:34:10Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
00:34:12Something's wrong.
00:34:13Okay, okay, okay.
00:34:14Get up.
00:34:15Get up.
00:34:15Here we go. Where's your road, baby?
00:34:19Where's your road?
00:34:21Okay, okay, okay.
00:34:23Don't worry, it's alright.
00:34:29We're all in the dark looking for the light.
00:34:34The light.
00:34:37Don't worry.
00:34:38Don't worry.
00:34:42Forget that you can't love.
00:34:46Forget that you can't love.
00:34:50Forget that you can't.
00:34:51Just forget it.
00:34:56Don't worry.
00:34:56Do you think it's possible to love the same person forever?
00:34:59Sure.
00:35:00Don't you?
00:35:01I don't know.
00:35:02I haven't seen a relationship that didn't end in one way or another.
00:35:06What about your parents?
00:35:07They've been together 35 years.
00:35:08Yeah, they've lived in the same house for that long.
00:35:11I don't think they've said I love you for at least 20 of those years.
00:35:14Well, maybe that's human nature.
00:35:15You spend that much time around a person.
00:35:18Saying I love you is probably just like saying your cheese sandwich.
00:35:22I hope not.
00:35:26Katie?
00:35:28Hmm?
00:35:29I cheese sandwich you.
00:35:32I cheese sandwich you too.
00:35:34Oh.
00:35:48The longer you're with the same person, the more annoying they'll become.
00:35:51You'll become annoying too.
00:35:53So if you want everything to be perfect all the time, don't bother having a relationship.
00:35:58Did you see that little old lady?
00:36:00Yeah.
00:36:02Didn't she look sad in one way?
00:36:03I don't know.
00:36:04She was hunched over and didn't get a good look.
00:36:05I need some shoes.
00:36:07Her eyes were so hollow.
00:36:09She's old.
00:36:10All old people have hollow eyes.
00:36:11Especially old women.
00:36:12What?
00:36:13Can we go in here?
00:36:14Wait, what do you mean especially old women?
00:36:18It's a fact.
00:36:19Women don't age as well as men.
00:36:20How could you say that?
00:36:22How many 50 year old women do you see with 20 year old guys?
00:36:24That's a societal double standard.
00:36:26That's got nothing to do with fat.
00:36:28Who looks better, Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?
00:36:30Ugh.
00:36:32It's just nature.
00:36:33Men have thicker skin.
00:36:34That's why women wrinkle more.
00:36:35Shut up.
00:36:36I know what this is about.
00:36:37You're a woman.
00:36:38You're afraid of becoming obsolete.
00:36:39You get in an age where men are starting to notice younger girls.
00:36:41It's freaking you out.
00:36:44Yeah, well you're going bold.
00:36:48I have the keys.
00:36:50Where are you going?
00:37:02I got one.
00:37:03What do you have?
00:37:04Uh, just this one about topless female ninjas.
00:37:08Oh.
00:37:08Well, let's just get one, okay?
00:37:10Because we'll forget to return them and it'll be like $800 for two movies.
00:37:14And, uh, which one do you want to get?
00:37:16Nosferatu.
00:37:17Now, you've seen it 50 times and every time you see it you get depressed.
00:37:20I like being depressed.
00:37:21It makes me feel deep and introspective.
00:37:23You want to just hear what this is about?
00:37:25Okay?
00:37:26Maybe you might like it.
00:37:27Nasty naked ninjets infiltrate the mob and take over Little Italy.
00:37:30Nunchucking their way to Mafia Don Guido Mantucci.
00:37:34Wow.
00:37:34That sounds incredible.
00:37:36Why do you have to come from that place?
00:37:38You know what I mean?
00:37:39You think I want to go home and snuggle and read subtitles and watch in black and white.
00:37:44Can we ever go to a goddamn video store without getting into an argument?
00:37:47Not as long as you have such shitty taste in movies.
00:37:49I don't have shitty taste in movies.
00:37:51How can you not appreciate German Expressionism?
00:37:53I love German Expressionism.
00:37:55What I don't like is what you turn into when you watch that damn movie.
00:37:58If you start getting all fixated on death.
00:37:59Like, I'm gonna die, you're gonna die, the cats are gonna die, everybody's gonna die.
00:38:02Fine!
00:38:02You watch your stupid titty movie, I'll watch my death movie.
00:38:05Don't turn yours, don't turn mine.
00:38:07Fine.
00:38:11It's her birthday.
00:38:12One of these should be free.
00:38:17Romance.
00:38:18The most important part of keeping a good relationship going.
00:38:21Be sure to treasure each one of those intimate moments you share together in bed.
00:38:26We haven't had sex in a while.
00:38:28Hmm?
00:38:30We haven't had sex in like three weeks.
00:38:32Mm-hmm.
00:38:33You weren't even listening to me.
00:38:36No, I wasn't.
00:38:37I said we haven't had sex in like three weeks.
00:38:41Well, maybe it's because you clip your toenails in our bed.
00:38:46What's the real reason?
00:38:49I don't know.
00:38:52Do you wanna have sex right now?
00:38:55No.
00:38:56No, do you?
00:38:57Nah.
00:38:58Yeah.
00:39:01Is there something wrong with us?
00:39:02I don't know.
00:39:05Maybe we should force ourselves.
00:39:07What, like mutual rape?
00:39:09Yeah, it might turn us on.
00:39:11Hmm.
00:39:23I'm tired.
00:39:25Yeah, me too.
00:39:33Love you.
00:39:35Love you too.
00:39:41Don't do that.
00:39:42You know how much that bugs me.
00:39:49I said don't.
00:39:57I swear to God, you do that one more time.
00:39:59I'm gonna scream.
00:40:12I think it's over.
00:40:16What's over?
00:40:18Us.
00:40:18I think we're done.
00:40:21What are you saying?
00:40:23I think I need to break up.
00:40:28What did you just say?
00:40:30I said I think we should break up.
00:40:32No, no, no, no, no.
00:40:33No.
00:40:33You said you need to break up.
00:40:35What's the difference?
00:40:36There's a huge difference.
00:40:38I mean, saying we should break up, that implies that it's somewhat mutual.
00:40:41If you need to break up, that means you're ending it.
00:40:43Are you ending it?
00:40:44I don't know.
00:40:45Yeah, I guess so.
00:40:49Have you met someone else at Mark Groby?
00:40:51No.
00:40:52No.
00:40:54No, nothing like that.
00:40:55It's just I feel like we're just turning into this old married couple.
00:40:58Oh, God.
00:41:00It's the 13 guy thing, isn't it?
00:41:02No.
00:41:02No, no, that's what it is.
00:41:03Just shut up.
00:41:04I mean, no.
00:41:05You've been obsessed with my past since our first date.
00:41:07Now you want to start racking them up.
00:41:08Don't you?
00:41:08Make it shut up about that.
00:41:10It's not the 13 guys, okay?
00:41:12I'm over that.
00:41:12I dealt with that.
00:41:13It's a non-issue.
00:41:14I promise you.
00:41:16Then why?
00:41:17Why now?
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:19It's just I've never been single.
00:41:21You know, I've spent my whole life going from one relationship to another and I've never
00:41:26been alone.
00:41:27Do you realize what you're saying?
00:41:29Do you realize what this means?
00:41:31What does this mean?
00:41:34It means this is it, the end.
00:41:36And once it's over, it's over.
00:41:39Yeah, I guess so.
00:41:41But I mean, it's not like we won't still be friends, you know?
00:41:45Who said anything about being friends?
00:41:47Come on, we love each other.
00:41:48I don't want to lose you for my life.
00:41:50No, I think you should know that when you get to number 13, I won't be sitting here waiting
00:41:53for you, okay?
00:41:54Well, you give that up.
00:41:55It's not about that, okay?
00:41:56This thing isn't working for either of us.
00:41:58I mean, you're not happy, are you?
00:41:59No, I'm not happy.
00:42:00Okay, so neither of us are happy.
00:42:01No, you know what?
00:42:03You're right, I'm miserable.
00:42:04You know, I've been in the absolute fucking hell for a really long time now.
00:42:07You're packing my laundry now.
00:42:08I reckon that would be the best thing in the world for me.
00:42:11You know what?
00:42:15I feel good.
00:42:16No, I feel great.
00:42:18Come back to bed.
00:42:18I mean, already it's like a five million pound weight has been lifted off my head.
00:42:23Can't this wait?
00:42:24Please, I can think.
00:42:26Like, all of a sudden life is clear.
00:42:28It's amazing.
00:42:29I am so happy.
00:42:31When I look back at the love I had with Adam, I see a pathetic potted plant that nobody bothered
00:42:37to water.
00:42:38It started out green and lush and eventually became a dried up little brown stick.
00:42:51Breaking up is like dying, slowly, with nobody around.
00:42:57That's why it's so important during that dark period to keep yourself busy doing the things that don't depress you.
00:43:03mean?
00:43:03One minute.
00:43:30Holy cow!
00:43:31One moment.
00:43:32started decomposing yet who's this my friend uh kate kate this is my friend peaches hmm this
00:43:41must be the friend that you just broke up with and this must be the friend that you just started
00:43:46fucking yeah hey hey wait wait wait wait okay peaches oh my god what the
00:44:01fuck is that thing on your face just keep your voice down what are you doing here this is my
00:44:06movie
00:44:07you came to my favorite movie to make out what someone called peaches how dare you i want to call
00:44:11you can i call no no no i'm gonna get over you and when i do i'll call you all
00:44:18right that could take
00:44:19days okay let's see here no no oh that's hideous oh here you go kate how about this
00:44:30no that makes me look like a drug addicted hooker i want to look great like a drug addicted model
00:44:37i don't see what the big deal is it's only sam's birthday party well adam's gonna be there
00:44:42okay aren't you over him yet of course i am just want him to die a thousand deaths when he
00:44:47sees
00:44:47me with jerome davis tonight jerome davis wait a minute the perverted basketball player you dated
00:44:54who was obsessed with your ass he was okay you've got a great ass i mean now you're a big
00:45:00woman
00:45:01but your ass you know small and compact fits your size yet you would take your ass and put it
00:45:08on
00:45:08you showed a little friend over here yeah we're fucking huge oh that's it i'm gone
00:45:22oh god
00:45:32she comes to me
00:45:36she comes to me with her mind on her sleeve he tries to believe with his heart that don't need
00:45:50to be
00:45:51they'll bring you down with your panic or not let you know that we can save the life
00:46:00i'll be too much
00:46:03i'll be too much
00:46:03and i'm so happy
00:46:06i feel like that don't need to be
00:46:14happy to spend
00:46:18happy to spend
00:46:19happy to spend
00:46:21happy to spend
00:46:23happy to spend
00:46:24happy to spend
00:46:24happy to spend
00:46:30Hey!
00:46:31I thought it was you.
00:46:33Hey.
00:46:33Hey.
00:46:35Hi.
00:46:36It's great.
00:46:37I expect to see you here.
00:46:38I didn't even know that Sam invited you.
00:46:39I feel silly.
00:46:40Uh, no.
00:46:41Mary invited me.
00:46:42Mary, yeah.
00:46:43Because you know Mary.
00:46:44Of course.
00:46:44I don't know what I was thinking.
00:46:45That's great.
00:46:46That's so good.
00:46:46It's so good.
00:46:47It's nice to see you.
00:46:48Hi.
00:46:50I haven't seen you in a while.
00:46:52I've missed you.
00:46:52Uh, yeah.
00:46:54It's been a long time, huh?
00:46:55Yep.
00:46:56Yep.
00:46:59I'm sorry.
00:47:00Hi.
00:47:00I'm Adam.
00:47:01Oh, uh.
00:47:01What's up, Ed?
00:47:02What's the wrong?
00:47:04It's not Ad.
00:47:04It's Adam.
00:47:05I didn't say, what's up?
00:47:06Hey.
00:47:07Hey.
00:47:07Hey.
00:47:08Why don't I give you a call tomorrow, okay?
00:47:10Don't make this a weird thing.
00:47:11Hey.
00:47:12I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
00:47:13You can tell me all about your new girlfriend.
00:47:14Give me a call tomorrow.
00:47:15Give me a call, Paige, because my shit's blowing up now.
00:47:16Okay.
00:47:17Oh, okay.
00:47:18Yeah.
00:47:19Why don't you call me?
00:47:20Okay, well.
00:47:20Just call me up there.
00:47:21I'm running around a lot.
00:47:22I'll call you tomorrow.
00:47:23Star 82, so I know it's you because I'm screening, you know.
00:47:25Okay.
00:47:35Hey.
00:47:36Hey.
00:47:41That was really weird last night.
00:47:42I know.
00:47:42That was really weird.
00:47:43That's not cool, okay?
00:47:46So you're in love?
00:47:47I think I should be asking you that.
00:47:49Why should you ask me that question?
00:47:50Because you couldn't keep your tongue out of Lolita's mouth last night.
00:47:52Don't tell me about tongues, all right?
00:47:54I look like Michael Jordan was going to suck the tonsils out of your throat.
00:47:57Where'd you find that guy, anyway?
00:47:59You know, let's just...
00:48:00I'm not going into one of these things, okay?
00:48:01I don't want...
00:48:01You're the one that's bringing it up, okay?
00:48:02Okay.
00:48:03I'm ready to be mature.
00:48:04Me too.
00:48:04Okay?
00:48:07But how can you go out that freak of nature?
00:48:09Why would you cry with such a bimbo?
00:48:10Savannah is not a bimbo.
00:48:11She happens to play the harp.
00:48:12Oh, excuse me.
00:48:14A bimbo savant.
00:48:15Yeah, at least I'm not having a fucking hot tub party with Dennis Rodman.
00:48:19I can't believe you're jealous.
00:48:20I'm not jealous.
00:48:21Yeah, but you are.
00:48:22Don't...
00:48:22Stop, okay?
00:48:23I don't like her.
00:48:24I don't love her.
00:48:24I just...
00:48:25I'm probably not even going to see that girl again, to be honest.
00:48:27Adam.
00:48:27Adam.
00:48:28Hey.
00:48:30Hi.
00:48:30Hey.
00:48:31I was waiting for you.
00:48:32It was straight.
00:48:32It was noon, right?
00:48:34It was supposed to be...
00:48:35Well, my harp lesson ended early, so, um...
00:48:37I bought myself some new underwear.
00:48:38Okay.
00:48:41I'm Savannah.
00:48:42Kate.
00:48:43I know.
00:48:44Adam told me all about you last night.
00:48:46Really.
00:48:46Uh, Savannah, why don't you, um...
00:48:48Why don't you go back to the coffee shop and wait for me?
00:48:51I'll be there at noon.
00:48:52Oh.
00:48:52Okay?
00:48:53And go get me a mochaccino.
00:48:54Okay?
00:48:54No problem.
00:48:55I'll let you two catch up.
00:48:56Nice meeting you, Cynthia.
00:48:57It's Kate.
00:48:59Oh.
00:48:59I met Kate.
00:49:01Okay.
00:49:02Okay.
00:49:02Bye-bye.
00:49:13Bye-bye.
00:49:14Noon.
00:49:17I didn't feel good.
00:49:18That felt really bad.
00:49:20I know.
00:49:20I'm sorry.
00:49:21No, no.
00:49:22Don't be.
00:49:22I mean...
00:49:23It's the kind of thing we have to get used to, you know?
00:49:25I have to go and throw up now.
00:49:26Don't...
00:49:26Kate.
00:49:27Okay, I miss you so much.
00:49:29Alright?
00:49:29You're...
00:49:30You're my best friend.
00:49:32I...
00:49:33You're the one I feel normal around.
00:49:34I just...
00:49:35I know.
00:49:35I know.
00:49:35I know.
00:49:36I know.
00:49:36I know.
00:49:36I know.
00:49:36I know.
00:49:36I know.
00:49:37Hopefully, over time, it's...
00:49:39So...
00:49:39This is all gonna work out.
00:49:40Yes, yes.
00:49:41Yes, yes.
00:49:42I promise it will.
00:49:43We just have to let go of those old, you know, feelings we had for each other.
00:49:47Bye.
00:49:47Okay?
00:49:48Okay.
00:49:56So this Jerome guy, would he have, like...
00:49:58Was he just, like, huge?
00:50:01I just wanna know, like, as a friend.
00:50:03Is that bad for a friend?
00:50:04Was it, like...
00:50:05Was it, like...
00:50:06Oh, nice surprise, babe?
00:50:07Was it, like...
00:50:08You better just take me home now, babe?
00:50:12Was it, like, I'm in over my head?
00:50:13Was it, I'm in over my head, babe?
00:50:25As you move on in your search for love, sex is the fastest way to erase the past.
00:50:53I promise you'll never leave me.
00:50:56I promise.
00:51:11What are you doing?
00:51:15What are you doing?
00:51:18What are you doing?
00:51:23Great.
00:51:25I'm sorry.
00:51:25My only sex I've had in months is with you.
00:51:42Being single again may be difficult, but it can also be empowering.
00:51:46After my breakup, I got out of the house as often as I could, going to places that took
00:51:51my mind off my loneliness.
00:51:53Excuse me.
00:51:54I'm looking for sort of a joke gift for a friend of mine's birthday.
00:51:59What's the kinkiest stuff you have?
00:52:01Depends.
00:52:02You mean kinky up the butt kind of kinky, or just white bread kinky?
00:52:06Just white bread kinky, please.
00:52:09Dildo Isle.
00:52:10Dildo Isle.
00:52:29It's a butt plug.
00:52:32Some guys like to put it up their butts.
00:52:37Dildo Isle.
00:52:37Right.
00:52:46What well.
00:52:47What's a nice girl like you doing at Earl's Pornorama?
00:52:51I'm here to buy a joke gift for a friend of mine, okay?
00:52:54I'm not here to talk to a guy named a trench coats.
00:52:57Why are you so nervous?
00:53:00Are you attracted to me?
00:53:02Oh God, that is so arrogant.
00:53:05I just happen to be a little uncomfortable because I'm picking up plastic dicks with some guy.
00:53:13Wait a minute.
00:53:15Don't I know you?
00:53:18Could be.
00:53:19Oh, God.
00:53:22Aren't you that guy, uh, aren't you in movies with, like, topless ninja girls?
00:53:27Yeah, yeah, I've done a lot since then, though.
00:53:29That was some of my earlier stuff.
00:53:30I'm, I'm, um, I'm, I'm old.
00:53:35I'm Joey Santino.
00:53:36I know.
00:53:38My, um, my ex-boyfriend forced me to watch all your movies.
00:53:42Forced you to?
00:53:43Yeah, well, he loves you.
00:53:46Yeah?
00:53:47Yes.
00:53:47Well, not after we fall in love, you won't.
00:53:50Oh, no.
00:53:51I don't date actors.
00:54:00All over you, all over me.
00:54:05It's all, it's the sky.
00:54:08I'm off in the shadow of the sea.
00:54:12It's all, it's the sky.
00:54:15I, uh, lay me now.
00:54:19Lay me down.
00:54:22Lay me now, lay me now.
00:54:25Lay me down, lay me down.
00:54:30Joey wasn't very bright, but I loved his innocence.
00:54:34I was going through my non-judgmental face, and I didn't want to push people away for saying
00:54:38the occasional stupid thing.
00:54:39I love you.
00:54:41We've only known each other for 14 hours.
00:54:44I know.
00:54:45I loved you in the first hour, but I waited 13 more to tell you.
00:54:49No, you just think you're in love with me because we've been having sex non-stop.
00:54:55How can you be so cynical?
00:54:57I mean, I've never felt this way in my entire life.
00:55:00You're the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me.
00:55:03You see, this is why I don't date actors.
00:55:06And you don't have to say you love me back, because I just want you to know how I feel.
00:55:13That's all.
00:55:14Okay.
00:55:16Unless you want to.
00:55:17I mean, I don't want to stop you from saying that you love me if, uh, if you want to.
00:55:23Okay.
00:55:36I like you a lot, huh?
00:55:39Yeah?
00:55:42Okay.
00:55:52Hello?
00:55:52Hey, it's me.
00:55:54Oh, hey, Adam.
00:55:54What's up?
00:55:56Nothing much.
00:55:56I haven't seen you in a couple weeks.
00:55:58You want to grab some dinner tomorrow night?
00:56:00Well, that's so sweet, but I can't.
00:56:01I'm going out.
00:56:02Oh, what about Friday?
00:56:04You want to see a movie on Friday?
00:56:05No, I can't.
00:56:06I'm going to Malibu for the weekend.
00:56:08Malibu.
00:56:09What's in Malibu?
00:56:10Big Beach.
00:56:11Oh, yes.
00:56:12I saw that in the Thomas Guide once.
00:56:14Who are you going with?
00:56:16Just some guy.
00:56:17You don't know him.
00:56:18He's got a house out there.
00:56:19Oh, you like him?
00:56:21What's with all the questions?
00:56:23No reason.
00:56:24I just want to know if you like this rich Malibu guy, is all.
00:56:26Yeah, I like him.
00:56:30You like him a lot?
00:56:32Yeah, he's nice.
00:56:36Hello?
00:56:38You love him?
00:56:39I think so, yeah.
00:56:42I mean, we've been spending almost every day together for the last couple of weeks.
00:56:45It's great.
00:56:46It's great for you.
00:56:47You know what?
00:56:47I got to run, because I got a date with an actress.
00:56:51You know?
00:56:52Okay.
00:56:53I'll call you when I get back.
00:56:54I'm going to have lunch or something.
00:56:55Sure.
00:56:55Great.
00:57:18I can't take it.
00:57:19What?
00:57:19I can't take it.
00:57:20I can't.
00:57:20I cannot.
00:57:21I can't take it.
00:57:22I can't.
00:57:22I can't take it.
00:57:23Get in here.
00:57:23I can't.
00:57:24I just.
00:57:25I thought.
00:57:25You know what?
00:57:25I just.
00:57:26I thought I was over you.
00:57:27I thought I was done.
00:57:28I was.
00:57:28Oh, God.
00:57:29This is horrible.
00:57:30Oh, God.
00:57:31Just don't go to Malibu.
00:57:33Please.
00:57:33Please don't go to Malibu.
00:57:34Are you out of your mind?
00:57:35This is a joke, right?
00:57:36This is not a joke.
00:57:38This is.
00:57:38This is.
00:57:38This is not.
00:57:39What's wrong with you?
00:57:40You've been dating women nonstop since we broke up.
00:57:42I know.
00:57:43This is the first guy I've even gotten close to in an entire year.
00:57:45I was wrong.
00:57:45What can I say?
00:57:46I was wrong.
00:57:46I was silly.
00:57:46I was stupid.
00:57:47I was wrong.
00:57:48I didn't know how I felt about you until tonight, until right now.
00:57:51What happened to the date with the actress?
00:57:52It's canceled.
00:57:53It's over.
00:57:54God, you shouldn't have, because Joey's on his way.
00:57:56Joey?
00:57:57His name is Joe?
00:57:58How could you date a guy named Joey?
00:58:00Please don't date him anymore.
00:58:02Let's get back together again.
00:58:03I love you.
00:58:04Let's have babies.
00:58:05Would you stop acting like an insane person?
00:58:07Why don't you go home and relax or something?
00:58:09No, go on your date.
00:58:10You'll be fine.
00:58:11It's just some weird thing to go through.
00:58:13Just tell me one thing.
00:58:14What?
00:58:15What's his last name?
00:58:18Just tell me his last name.
00:58:21Um, Santino.
00:58:23Oh, Santino.
00:58:23No, that's, that's like, Joey's, not, Joey Santino, the actor?
00:58:32My, the titty ninja, you fucking hate him!
00:58:35Actually, he's, he's really a very good actor.
00:58:38I mean, clearly you haven't seen any of his later work.
00:58:40What the fuck are you talking about his later work?
00:58:43Motherfucker, you haven't seen, oh my God, you're kidding me.
00:58:46How could you, he's, you, yeah, how do you?
00:58:49Adam, you have to go.
00:58:51You weren't supposed to fall in love.
00:58:52Oh, quit being such a hypocrite.
00:58:55A hip, I'm not a, I'm a guy.
00:58:57I fuck, I don't fall in love.
00:58:59Well, maybe you don't.
00:59:00Oh, you think Mr. Italian, uh, fucking, uh, yeah, he's fucking you, he loves you?
00:59:05I don't think so.
00:59:07Whatever.
00:59:07You know what, I'm fucking out of here, all right?
00:59:10Fucking horse shit.
00:59:12Don't fucking call.
00:59:39I don't know what you're talking about.
00:59:51Are you Miss Kate Wells?
00:59:52Yeah.
00:59:53I have a message for you from Adam Levy.
00:59:58Even though we're only pals, only pals, only pals, I don't like the other gals.
01:00:04You're my baby.
01:00:07Don't go out with that dumb guy, that dumb guy, that dumb guy.
01:00:11If you do, I'll start to cry.
01:00:14You're my baby.
01:00:19Yeah.
01:00:21Mr. Levy would like you to have an autographed picture of himself.
01:00:27And this.
01:00:30Hold on, it gets better.
01:00:31Cheese sandwich.
01:00:51Hello.
01:00:52Did the little guy sing?
01:00:54What do you think?
01:00:56You got my picture up?
01:00:58Adam.
01:00:59Next to the boys.
01:01:01Yes, I got the sandwich and I got your picture.
01:01:04Can you just stop torturing me?
01:01:05Come over.
01:01:07Get rid of him.
01:01:08We'll spork, we'll spoon, we'll do it all.
01:01:11Lay around like walruses all day.
01:01:13Adam.
01:01:13What are you wearing?
01:01:23God, it's beautiful here.
01:01:33Are you talking to me?
01:01:38Are you talking to me?
01:01:41There's nobody else.
01:01:42Are you talking to me?
01:01:45Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?
01:01:49Huh?
01:01:50De Niro.
01:01:52Right.
01:01:52De Niro, I swear I love these.
01:01:55De Niro.
01:01:57Yeah, I mean, he's a good actor.
01:02:02Good.
01:02:05He's good.
01:02:07We were talking about Robert De Niro here.
01:02:10Good.
01:02:11I mean, come on.
01:02:12I mean, these, you know, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, they're good.
01:02:16You know, asparagus is good.
01:02:18De Niro.
01:02:20I mean, you know, I mean, like, Cape Fear.
01:02:26Oh, counselor, come out, come out, come out, wherever you are.
01:02:32See, I ain't no white trash piece of shit.
01:02:34I'm better than you all.
01:02:36See, I can out-learn you.
01:02:38I can out-read you.
01:02:40I can out-think you.
01:02:42I can out-think you.
01:02:42And I can out-philosophyze you.
01:02:45And I'm gonna outlast you.
01:02:48Huh?
01:02:50Huh?
01:02:50That's good, right?
01:02:51And Raging Bull, which, which is the greatest performance of all time.
01:02:57You can't get me down, Ray.
01:02:59You can't get me down.
01:03:01Hey.
01:03:02All right.
01:03:03Huh?
01:03:04I know the highlight.
01:03:07Why are you trying to ruin my relationship?
01:03:09Your nose is so cute.
01:03:12You never tried to get me back before.
01:03:13What ego trip are you on?
01:03:14Can I kiss it?
01:03:15What?
01:03:15Your nose.
01:03:16Adam, stop screwing up my life.
01:03:18I'm involved with somebody else.
01:03:21Marry me?
01:03:22Please.
01:03:23Are you listening to me?
01:03:24Yeah, I'm listening.
01:03:25I get it.
01:03:25Don't worry.
01:03:26I broke up with you because I was inexperienced.
01:03:28You were the third relationship I was in.
01:03:30How was I supposed to know that that was gonna be the one?
01:03:32Adam.
01:03:33You had it so easy compared to me.
01:03:34I was number 14 for you.
01:03:36You were number three for me.
01:03:37Look, you can't.
01:03:38Just marry me.
01:03:39I'm sorry.
01:03:40I screwed up, all right?
01:03:41I can't live with this kind of mistake in my life.
01:03:43Don't you see this is really bad timing?
01:03:44You can't just wait until I'm heavily involved with somebody else
01:03:47to all of a sudden propose marriage or profess your love to me.
01:03:50I'll change.
01:03:51How does that sound?
01:03:52You know what?
01:03:52We're gonna make up a contract and everything you don't like about me,
01:03:54I'm gonna change.
01:03:55We're gonna make a death penalty.
01:03:57You're against it.
01:03:57I'm for it.
01:03:57I'm against it now.
01:03:58We're gonna go.
01:03:59We're gonna sing Kumbaya.
01:04:00We're gonna do candlelight vigils at the prison.
01:04:01I don't want you to change.
01:04:03You know what?
01:04:03You're right.
01:04:03I'm not gonna change.
01:04:04I'm enough.
01:04:05And I learned that from you.
01:04:06You know what we're gonna do?
01:04:07We're gonna fly.
01:04:08We're gonna take trips.
01:04:09I'm gonna go to therapy.
01:04:09I'm gonna get over my fear of airplanes.
01:04:11And we're gonna go any place you want to go.
01:04:12Adam, stop it.
01:04:14Stop it right now.
01:04:18All right.
01:04:19Look, let me just ask you then.
01:04:20Just straight out, all kidding aside.
01:04:23Katie.
01:04:25Will you marry me?
01:04:30No.
01:04:33Well, um, I won't torture you anymore then.
01:04:38I, uh, you know, you're happy.
01:04:40I'm happy you're happy.
01:04:42I made you miserable and I'm sorry.
01:04:44No.
01:04:46No, but I just want you to know something, though.
01:04:49What?
01:04:51I, I, I can't be friends.
01:04:54I'm just, I'm too weak.
01:04:56Adam.
01:04:57I mean, I can't even be around you.
01:04:59I, I, you're sitting here and you're like this incredibly juicy ham sandwich that I just
01:05:04want to stuff in my mouth and I can't because, like, my, my lips are sewn shut.
01:05:08It's a pretty analogy.
01:05:09You know what I mean.
01:05:13Okay.
01:05:21Have a nice life.
01:05:23Don't say that.
01:05:25You know we'll see each other again.
01:05:28Yeah, right.
01:05:42Is infatuation love?
01:05:44No, but it feels like it is.
01:05:47All those chemicals pumping through your brain can turn every word he says into poetry.
01:05:51Did I ever tell you what I used to do to my little brother with dog shit?
01:05:54Mm-mm.
01:05:55Whenever he did something that I didn't like, I put dog shit under his pillow.
01:05:59I'd say, hey, Jimmy, let's play hide and go see.
01:06:02Go put your head under the pillow and count to 20.
01:06:04Hmm.
01:06:05It's half the time you get to 10 before you realize what happened.
01:06:08Wow.
01:06:09That's pretty stupid.
01:06:11Jimmy?
01:06:12No.
01:06:13No.
01:06:13He's the smartest one of us kids.
01:06:15He's a lawyer now.
01:06:17Hmm.
01:06:24Now do you remember me?
01:06:26Hmm?
01:06:29Relationships that are based entirely on sex end the minute the sex gets boring.
01:06:33So if you want it to last beyond boring sex, you'd better try to connect on a deeper level.
01:06:38I brought us some cheese sandwiches.
01:06:41Thanks.
01:06:46Do you think people can stay passionate about each other forever?
01:06:51Yeah.
01:06:52I mean, as long as they work on the relationship, you know, they'll get fat.
01:06:57You know, I wonder.
01:06:59I'm not sure it's natural.
01:07:00I like to think it's possible, though.
01:07:03I mean, I think that over time we all tend to take each other for granted.
01:07:06And after their years of staying together, saying I love you is like saying cheese sandwich, you know?
01:07:13Do you know what Robert De Niro is lactose intolerant?
01:07:23After the infatuation chemicals in my brain stopped multiplying, I began to get over my nonjudgmental face.
01:07:29Do you know what Robert De Niro is?
01:07:40yeah are you listening to me what i'm gonna die when someday
01:07:52we're all gonna die okay watch the movie doesn't that bother you i don't think about
01:08:00stuff like that well why not kate look we're in the middle of the movie yeah well that's
01:08:06when i think about death the most i look at all these people staring straight into the darkness
01:08:10and it freaks me out don't you get that no okay i don't get that i mean why why should
01:08:16i get that
01:08:16i don't even want i don't want to get that yeah well see that's the problem when two people are
01:08:20together they're supposed to get each other you don't get me i don't get you what what the
01:08:26fuck are you talking about you know what my problem is i'm a floater i float through life like a
01:08:34a
01:08:34corpse on river bumping into rocks and logs i don't choose my path i just bump into stuff
01:08:39like you i bump into you in a porno store boom i have sex with you boom i'm in a
01:08:44relationship
01:08:44with you boom i don't think i just boom no no no no so so that's what i am to
01:08:49you i'm just some
01:08:50goddamn log you just bumped into at a porno store you're wearing sunglasses in a movie theater there's
01:08:55a prescription it's prescription you idiot oh okay mrs thesaurus all right i'm an idiot you know
01:09:04that's it it's a you know hasta la vista baby here's a man who would not take it anymore
01:09:11you're all gonna die think about it you're all gonna die and nobody will ever remember you
01:09:17because now i'll be dead too excuse me hi this is adam i'm not home so leave a message after
01:09:28the beep
01:09:30hi um it's me adam are you there
01:09:38hello kate hi i didn't want to call anybody else
01:09:44okay are you are you okay no what's wrong baby we broke up oh god i broke up with joey
01:09:53oh that's
01:09:54horrible i'm such a failure not a failure i am i'm a relationship leper not true you have more
01:10:04relationship potential than anybody that i know potential anyone can have potential what are you
01:10:10kidding katie your only problem is that you've had bad timing two people could be perfect for each
01:10:15other and if the timing's wrong it's never going to work out for them bad timing's the reason that
01:10:19most normal people end up single normal people yeah weirdos and creeps are single because they're
01:10:26weird and creepy but people like us you know we're single because we're victims of bad timing
01:10:31it's when is your things are figured out since you fell in love and i've had to lay in bed
01:10:37awake
01:10:37every night and wonder if i'd ever find anybody who i feel as normal with as i do with you
01:10:48i don't know if the timing's ever right you just let me know okay okay
01:11:06how about now you think okay that's cool as much time as you want
01:11:23love is ecstasy and agony freedom and imprisonment belonging and loneliness
01:11:33it's what keeps us together when life tears us apart
01:11:40so when you find that perfect man hold on tight and then call me so i can run over there
01:11:48and see
01:11:48what he looks like and laugh because he doesn't exist you sad perky little optimistic suckers
01:11:59i quit i i couldn't do the assignment i felt like a fraud since my first day here everything i've
01:12:04written has been crap and i i'm i'm a total sellout i can't do it anymore and i'm i'm you
01:12:10know honestly
01:12:10i'm sorry if i've caused you any problems all right wait a minute she's way too fat everything you've
01:12:18written here has been written here has been bullshit yep nothing has had even a single grain of truth in
01:12:23your eyes nothing so then what you're saying is that your research on blowjobs being able to cure
01:12:28depression was completely made up no actually that one was true but it only works for the sucky
01:12:35the sucker always stays depressed
01:12:40i told you that
01:12:42so
01:13:01hi hi hi i'm uh i'm no uh actually could i ask you a few questions is that okay
01:13:09um sure yeah go ahead are you married no do you have any children you haven't told anyone about
01:13:17no do you feel the need to sow your wild oats and have sex with a lot of different women
01:13:22no are you a liar yes just kidding
01:13:28good you got a sense of humor that was my next question uh can you listen i'm sorry what
01:13:36you see you see how i get it just one more i promise uh do you have a problem with
01:13:43complicated
01:13:44women nope great let's go um may i may i ask you one question oh of course i'm sorry ask
01:13:53anything you
01:13:54want have you allowed jesus christ into your heart oh god if i could have one moment of your time
01:14:02no get out may i may i no okay but if the next knock is the devil go yes oh
01:14:09listen have you allowed
01:14:11hey go now thank you hi are you kate wells yeah and you're um rob right that's right
01:14:57thank you thanks a lot
01:14:59nice to meet you nice to meet you it's a pleasure thank you hi hi hi thanks for coming down
01:15:13you're good thank you thank you thank you and nasty all right i like my men good and nasty
01:15:24thank you thank you thank you thank you you got a girlfriend yeah yeah i do she's on a date
01:15:33now however
01:15:38yep
01:16:05so where's your blind date told him i was sick oh yeah
01:16:09you're sick all right yeah i'm wanting you back
01:16:19so
01:16:21go down
01:16:21go down
01:16:21so
01:16:28take all the time you need
01:16:36There's no place else to go
01:16:40Wow.
01:16:42That was incredible.
01:16:44I am very proud of myself.
01:16:48I did good, right?
01:16:49Did I do good?
01:16:50Yeah, you did right.
01:16:51Mm-hmm.
01:16:52It was different.
01:16:52I surprised you.
01:16:53There's a couple of those things.
01:16:54I know it.
01:16:55You seem scared.
01:16:57Where'd you learn that?
01:16:58It's all right, I know.
01:17:00We should break up more often.
01:17:02Mm-hmm.
01:17:05I shouldn't.
01:17:09Get out.
01:17:15So with Joey, what is it now, 16?
01:17:17Oh, shut up.
01:17:1715?
01:17:18No, seriously.
01:17:2015.
01:17:21I was 14.
01:17:23What about peaches?
01:17:24Tell me about peaches.
01:17:25Oh, God.
01:17:25No, I don't want to know about peaches.
01:17:26No, you do?
01:17:27No, I don't.
01:17:27Where do you think I learned that thing I did?
01:17:28People love you like a diamond in their hands
01:17:34They don't know that diamond like I do
01:17:39They put you up in the bluebird sky
01:17:44Until they lose sight of you
01:17:48People love you like a diamond in their hands
01:17:59I always wanted to chase you down
01:18:04And like many, I fell in love with you
01:18:09And when you gave your heart back to me
01:18:14I didn't know what to do
01:18:18But I always wanted to chase you down
01:18:28Carry me, carry me
01:18:33Back to your heart tonight
01:18:38Carry me, carry me
01:18:43Carry me through this cold midnight
01:18:47Carry me through this cold midnight
01:18:48Carry me, carry me through this cold midnight
01:18:48Carry me, carry me through this cold midnight
01:18:59Carry me, carry me through this cold midnight
01:19:07If you're only what's that easy
01:19:10If you will never know
01:19:17Be strong
01:19:20And make sure you love someone
01:19:27Simple words on the made it go this morning
01:19:39Don't live too much
01:19:42Don't live too little
01:19:44Just make sure that you love the life you live
01:19:51If you're only what's that easy
01:19:55I would try to try it out
01:20:02If you're only what's that easy
01:20:06Who would ever worry
01:20:10If that was a lie
01:20:21We couldn't choose who to be
01:20:27And there's a difference between you and me
01:20:33Cause I live too much
01:20:38Sometimes too little
01:20:40I'm just happy I have a life to live
01:20:47If it only was that easy
01:20:51I would surely try it out
01:20:58If it only was that easy
01:21:02Who would ever worry about his life
01:21:09If it only was that easy
01:21:13I would surely try it out
01:21:30Don't live too much
01:21:34Don't live too little
01:21:36Just make sure that you love the life you live
01:21:42Just make sure that you love the life you live
01:21:44If it only was that easy
01:21:46If it only was that easy
01:21:48I would surely try it out
01:21:54If it only was that easy
01:21:58Who would ever worry about his life
01:22:05If it only was that easy
01:22:09I would surely try it out
01:22:16If it only was that easy
01:22:20Who would ever worry about his life
01:22:28If it only was that easy
01:22:33You
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