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Nit Wit
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00:28I'll see you next time.
00:36Hello and welcome to Have I Got 30 Years For You?
00:40Well, Paul, 30 years, that's a remarkable achievement for any TV show.
00:44Absolutely, and I think it's really seeped into the public consciousness.
00:47I was watching an episode of Richard Osman's House of Games the other day
00:52and one of the contestants was asked which popular TV quiz show
00:57started in 1990, feature as team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton
01:01and give the name of the programme in reverse order.
01:04Without a moment's hesitation, the contestant said,
01:06Stars Shootin'.
01:11Do you think that's tragic? I was watching The Chase.
01:15That is tragic.
01:16Yeah.
01:17And the question was,
01:20which Ian has been editor of a satirical magazine for over 30 years?
01:27Ian Who?
01:27And the contestant said, again, just like that,
01:30Ian Himmler.
01:35And is that the right answer?
01:36It is, yeah.
02:01That is Geoffrey Archer, in fact.
02:03He's talking about railways, about which he knows a great deal,
02:05having handed over £2,000 in notes to a prostitute on a railway station.
02:15Allegedly.
02:17I was very aware of it.
02:19Well, I mean, everybody was.
02:20It was a kind of radical, landscape-changing thing.
02:25Paul and Jill, what have you come up with for this?
02:28Take that, you old bag.
02:31I am genuinely interested in politics and news and current affairs,
02:35so, um, and obviously I like a laugh,
02:38so it's always been one of my favourite shows.
02:40Some irresponsible vandal has had the audacity
02:43to paint a Hitler moustache on the portrait of Mrs Thatcher.
02:46It must be the first time she's been touched up since Cecil left.
02:51I just thought it was so great to have a panel show like that
02:55that was about something, A, that I was really interested in,
02:59but, B, that wasn't just knob jokes.
03:02There is a connection with arms deals,
03:04and I'd better be slightly careful here.
03:06Maxwell was a crook and an arms dealer,
03:08and he's dead and he can't see.
03:10That moment in time, I would have found it inconceivable
03:15that any comedy show, particularly a panel show,
03:18would run for 30 years.
03:20I'm sitting here with a tub of lard
03:22trying to answer questions in Germany.
03:25Nobody lets you stay on TV for 30 years
03:27just because you're out of charity.
03:30You've got to be good.
03:31And so that's what we call my home sustained excellence.
03:36And the winner is, have I got news for you?
03:40It could not have existed at all.
03:43The pilot was terrible, apparently.
03:45You can't really imagine that when you see it now.
03:51The news quiz had been running 13 years
03:55when somebody had the idea for doing a thing a bit like it on television.
03:59Good evening and welcome to Newsround.
04:01In the news this week...
04:03I knew John Lloyd because I'd worked as a writer on Spitting a Mitch.
04:06And I knew he was absolutely brilliant, you know, one of the great producers.
04:10And I thought, well, you know, this will probably be good.
04:13And now around to test our contestants' in-depth knowledge of the House of Commons
04:17as we ask them to name that member.
04:19For you, Paul and Simon...
04:22Sometimes something can start off quite sort of out of focus, which is what it was.
04:27It was a bit blurry.
04:28Nobody really knew what they were meant to be doing.
04:30The format didn't embrace the idea we were going to do a TV show.
04:33It was all very verbal.
04:34Three members of the House who happily share a name with three world-famous generals.
04:39Well, it's Bernard Rommel, I know that.
04:44I'd never read an autocue before.
04:47The thing that was really difficult was that these spontaneous jokes
04:52were actually coming at you, you know, on string,
04:55and I wasn't a good enough actor.
04:57Well, it's Richard Alexander.
04:58I have to give... I have to...
05:00Richard Alexander, I don't know... Where's he from?
05:03Newark, that's right.
05:04My late mother, who came to see it,
05:07I sort of banded up afterwards to see what she thought,
05:11and she said, never mind, dear.
05:19I said to Jimmy Muller, the laugh was,
05:22I don't think this is me, and, you know, get somebody else.
05:28I think if you trust the people making the show
05:31and you feel there's potential for it and the pilot goes wrong,
05:34I like to think of... I have this phrase called failing to succeed.
05:39If you're going to succeed, you need to know about failure.
05:42They then had to sort of, you know, hold a couple of auditions
05:46and get, you know, just get people to come in
05:47and do a sort of dry run of it, I suppose.
05:50We auditioned Angus, we auditioned Sandy Toksvig,
05:53we even auditioned Chris Evans before he became Chris Evans.
05:55When they suggested this pretty obscure radio guy
05:59and voiceover guy called Angus Deaton,
06:02they go, who?
06:04So, put your feet up, take the phone off the hook,
06:07and put your feet up.
06:10At the time, Angus was best known
06:12for playing presenters on sketch shows.
06:16I mean, he was really good at acting the presenter of a show.
06:20Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
06:23As Iraq runs short of medical supplies,
06:26patients waiting for pacemakers are forced to improvise.
06:30When Angus stepped into that chair,
06:32first time I saw him, I thought,
06:34he's much better than me, he's so good.
06:36It's Bill Clinton's stated plan to send a peace envoy to Belfast.
06:40Clinton said that Americans want to put an end to violence in Ulster.
06:43Well, they could stop paying for it, for a start.
06:47He could have been on the board of an advertising company.
06:50He was suave, he was, you know, he was cool,
06:53and he read the autocue like it was coming out of his head.
06:56He was perfect.
06:57So, it's goodbye from me,
06:59and it looks like it could be goodbye from her.
07:01Poppycock.
07:04Angus was a very strong part of the trio
07:07that was making the show every week.
07:09And he was a perfect foil, particularly for Paul.
07:12And every now and again, he and Paul would have an off-script kind of engagement.
07:18Leslie Nielsen.
07:19Nice suit.
07:26I always think Brown is tremendously underrated.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31It was constructed as a sitcom.
07:33That was the genius.
07:34Where Angus Deaton was the sort of father figure,
07:37the authority figure,
07:39and Ian was the good son who'd done his homework and knew everything,
07:43and Paul was the wayward son
07:45who'd been smoking around the back of the bike sheds.
07:47I'm just going to blow my nose to make sure that this gets edited out.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:53LAUGHTER
07:53I'll just carry on saying it.
07:55LAUGHTER
07:55Ground suit, ground suit.
07:57LAUGHTER
08:00Right, where were we? Oh, yes.
08:02We were talking about your brown suit.
08:04LAUGHTER
08:06But they would both kick against his authority in the middle.
08:10Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have already been dubbed within the Labour Party
08:14the Beautiful People,
08:15and given their main rivals are Margaret Beckett and Robin Cook,
08:18it's not that surprising.
08:19They're not auditioning for Baywatch Angus.
08:22It's the job to lead the Labour Party.
08:25Well, they're the ones who were dubbed the Beautiful People.
08:27I'm sorry, I can't do anything about it.
08:29No, you carry on with your lookist rubbish.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:34Go on, say Robin Cook looks like a garden name.
08:37I bet that's coming up.
08:39Robin Cook, of course, looks like a garden name.
08:42LAUGHTER
08:42It was to do with, somehow, education, class, where you come from,
08:47also competition.
08:48They were competing with each other.
08:50There was a story about a man called Paul Merson
08:53taking a huge amount of cocaine
08:56and appearing drugged in public,
08:58which, understandably, a lot of people thought was TV's own Paul Merton.
09:03LAUGHTER
09:03It always had an edge, the relationship.
09:06There was a thing going around that it was me for a while.
09:09There was a rumour going around, my wife got phoned up last week
09:12in the middle of the night, and she said...
09:13I'm sorry, I am so sorry.
09:16Did he read up?
09:17No, don't apologise, it wasn't a problem.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:22I think, originally, Paul,
09:24and he probably still does think this,
09:27thought I was just another classic Oxbridge stuffed shirt twit,
09:34who hadn't done his time in comedy
09:36and didn't really know anything.
09:38Oh, how poosh!
09:40More TV, I got...
09:41LAUGHTER
09:43That's a lovely impression you have.
09:45That's you, that's you.
09:46Yeah, I went to Oxford, didn't you, new?
09:49Let's walk through the quadrangle with our motorboards on.
09:52LAUGHTER
09:53I thought it was important for me and Ian
09:54to have a rivalry as team captains, you know,
09:57so I said to Ian very early on,
09:59I suggested that we should play the quiz element seriously,
10:03which he was, he didn't need any persuasion or no,
10:06and that's how he saw it,
10:07and he does indeed still play the quiz element very seriously,
10:10which is a shame,
10:13because he very rarely wins.
10:15To him tonight, turn the bastard over.
10:17I mean, what's he got?
10:18Nothing!
10:19That will work, no level.
10:21And what have you got?
10:22Grounded in the classic.
10:23Greek, Latin, ancient history!
10:26The dynamic between Angus and the other two was kind of odder,
10:29but of course it gave a flavour to the show.
10:32And so to our odd one out round,
10:34in which a monkey with a pin has a one in four chance of getting it right,
10:37so let's see how he does.
10:38Paul.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:42I think if you've got a bit of acid in the mix
10:45and you can keep it under control
10:47so nobody gets cross or sulks or shows it on camera,
10:51you've got a very good mix.
10:53It's always a good idea to analyse what you're doing.
10:56Well, if you're a brain surgeon, it is.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59I don't know that lies what you're doing, for God's sake.
11:01No.
11:02It'll come down as reading out loud.
11:04LAUGHTER
11:04What was clear with Have I Got News For You early on
11:09was that it was incredibly well produced.
11:12The initial producer was a guy called Harry Thompson.
11:15He was, in a sense, in a classic mould
11:17that would go back to the 60s satire boom,
11:20you know, that was the week that was,
11:22of we're going to say what we shouldn't say,
11:24we don't mind whose feathers we ruffle.
11:27And with Paul Merton this week,
11:29we were hoping to be joined by the Right Honourable Roy Hattersley,
11:32but sadly, and for the third time in our brief history,
11:35he's pulled out at the last minute
11:36due to having something better to do.
11:38So, as his replacement,
11:39liable to give much the same performance
11:41and imbued with many of the same qualities,
11:43we're delighted to welcome a tub of lard.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:48APPLAUSE
11:50Right from the early days
11:51when Harry Thompson was the producer
11:53and put the tub of lard on,
11:55there is an element of just,
11:57um, oh, let's do this and see what happens,
12:00just let's shake this up,
12:01let's have a go at this.
12:03In his McTaggart lecture this year,
12:05John Burt praised this programme,
12:07Have I Got News For You,
12:08has carried forward an ancient national tradition
12:10of puncturing the powerful and pompous,
12:12said the puffed-up little twat.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:17Most of the time we talk about
12:19the risks you take in comedy.
12:21This time we were actually taking
12:22a bit of a risk with a man's life
12:24because Salman Rushdie had written
12:25the satanic verses
12:27and there was a fatwa out on him
12:29which seemed to give licence to anyone
12:31to kill him if they wanted to.
12:32I think this is Raymond Illingworth's bid
12:35to ban God, or at least the God's chaplain,
12:37from the dressing room.
12:38Yeah.
12:39I think there's not much to be said about that.
12:40He should be sentenced to death.
12:41Mm.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:46Jimmy Mulville said that
12:48there was one show very early on
12:50when I was sitting next to Robert Harris
12:51when the missing word was
12:53I made Maggie blank, said Nigel.
12:57I made Thatcher what, boasts Nigel?
13:00LAUGHTER
13:01To swallow.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:08APPLAUSE
13:09APPLAUSE
13:10APPLAUSE
13:13Jimmy Siddharth was, ah, that hit the note
13:15that we should sort of, like, not necessarily be that rude,
13:18but that sort of kind of irreverence
13:19is something that we should probably sort of pursue.
13:22People saying to me,
13:23how are you allowed to be that rude about the government?
13:26And I explained to them,
13:27this is the point of being in Britain.
13:30This is one of the freedoms we have.
13:32Uh, the suicide pact will be enforced
13:34if the Tory rebels have their way,
13:36although if John Major did try and blow his own brains out,
13:38it'd have to be a bloody good shot.
13:41That's not going to talk.
13:42No, no, it's quite funny, though, isn't it?
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46APPLAUSE
13:47I think that's maybe one of the reasons it's endured so long,
13:49is that it doesn't feel didactic, actually,
13:52which a lot of political comedy just feels like,
13:56I'm going to take you from this position of ignorance
13:58to the correct position,
14:00whereas they seem neither merely political nor just silly.
14:05On which note, I leave you with news that at a crowded London party,
14:08someone shouts, oi, dickhead, across the room.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:13LAUGHTER
14:14I've said to politicians in the past,
14:16they said, I thought I'd have a go at Ian.
14:17I said, no, no, no, don't have a go at Ian, honestly,
14:21because he'll come back at you and he'll make you look silly.
14:24What is possible at the Ritz?
14:26Anything.
14:26Dinners.
14:27Dinners.
14:28Dinners, no.
14:29Dinners is possible.
14:30Um...
14:30Grammar's not good there.
14:31No.
14:31Dinners is possible.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:35Grammar's not the strong point of private eye.
14:38He edits a magazine, you can't expect him to know these things.
14:42Um...
14:42I know, he's made me a cover girl.
14:44Sorry.
14:44What did we say?
14:45Oh, oh.
14:45Oh, that was it.
14:46You were saying, what would it take to make you resign?
14:48And he said, about ten grand in a brown envelope.
14:51LAUGHTER
14:53Grammar all right there for you?
14:55I think so.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:58Ian's forensic and quite moral analysis of events always feels worth listening to.
15:07They found you guilty, didn't they, Conrad, the jury?
15:10Uh, nine acquittals complemented by a unanimous vacation of the four guilty verdicts by the Supreme
15:16Court of the U.S.
15:16They were too stuck, didn't they?
15:17One for fraud and one for obstruction of justice.
15:20No, no, no, oh, Ian, please, please.
15:22Oh, stop reciting the verdict as though it was true.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27It's great that there are people like Ian who still have, um, what looks like and very much seems
15:36to be integrity.
15:37And I've come here...
15:39You've come here to say you're innocent, which is sweet, but not true.
15:42I...
15:42I...
15:43I...
15:44APPLAUSE
15:46The audience wants Ian to tell us who are the heroes and villains here, what do we
15:53need to know, and for Paul to make it all OK by finding a joke or moving it on.
16:00Well, it's all about chads, isn't it?
16:02Which is the mark that those punching machines makes.
16:06And the argument at the moment is over dimple chads.
16:08If there's a good, honest American hole in it, it's a Republican vote.
16:12Yeah!
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14As if there's a dimple, it's a sort of liberally-democrat.
16:19LAUGHTER
16:21APPLAUSE
16:24It's a sitcom, in that.
16:26At home with the chads.
16:28You've got the hanging chad, he's like the public hangman, you've got the swinging chad,
16:31he's the groovy teenager, the tri-chad, he's in a Chinese gang, and the pregnant one's
16:35obviously the one who's, you know, who's pregnant.
16:37I've got it now, actually.
16:39LAUGHTER
16:40Paul Merton has no perceivable run-up, which is very rare in a performer.
16:47Most of the time when someone's improvising, you see them scrabble around and you see a
16:53sense of cogs whirring and them trying to reach for the right word or to bend the situation
16:58to something that will work comically, whereas his attack on it seems immediate.
17:07Yeah, it was really horrid.
17:08A 12-year-old boy was chased 200 yards all the way home.
17:12Yeah.
17:12He ran in, slammed the door in the badger's face, and then it...
17:15The badger shot through the cat flap.
17:17The badger held him hostage, got a hold of a tape of the peeler, the mum came home, the
17:21badger overpowered her, took over her identity and her credit cards.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:26She was locked down in the cellar.
17:28When the husband came home, poor husband, a little bit pissed, walks in, sees a figure
17:31in the bed wearing a negligee, thinks to himself, is it Friday night already?
17:37And before you know where he is, he puts the light on and he goes, oh, my God, I fucked
17:43the badger.
17:45APPLAUSE
17:48The team didn't view it as a big show.
17:51They viewed it as a niche show on BBC Two.
17:54And I viewed it as having the potential to be a mainstream show on BBC One.
17:58Welcome to a brand new series of Vigrant News for You, now on BBC One for the first time,
18:03although we'd like to reassure our regular BBC Two viewers that the move to
18:07mainstream television will in no way affect the show's content.
18:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:15Because BBC Two was really where edgy comedy had always been and BBC One was mainstream
18:21and you thought, well, what are we doing on BBC One?
18:24Ian and Paul were worried and Angus because they thought they'd have to tone down the comedy.
18:29And I was like, no, no, no, I want the show exactly the same as it is.
18:32It's the war on terror in Afghanistan where America's precision bombing,
18:36of military targets has intensified with the use of missiles so accurate
18:40they can hit the exact centre of a big red cross.
18:43LAUGHTER
18:45After the first show, the audience was so good,
18:47I think everybody's fears were allayed.
18:49It was a hit from the start.
18:53It's Thursday, it's seven o'clock, it's BBC One,
18:56and that can mean only one thing.
18:57Yes, we're just half an hour away from East Andrew.
19:00Angus became incredibly famous.
19:02He was Mr Sex, and so in the green room there'd be half the Manchester United football team
19:07and, um, celebs.
19:10When Angus became famous and started doing adverts for Barclay card
19:13and things like that, they would take the mickey out of him mercilessly.
19:17Um, on which, uh...
19:19On which note, we've finished the Christmas edition of How I Get News of You,
19:22but first, in Reading,
19:25police are worried that Oliver Reed's drinks cabinet has flooded once again.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:33APPLAUSE
19:33He was very robust.
19:35He knew what he was doing.
19:38Um, he wouldn't be thrown by me saying,
19:41are you still here?
19:42Or wherever it was.
19:44I don't think anyone really disliked each other.
19:47I mean, I still, um, you know,
19:49when there isn't a major pandemic, um, sweeping the world,
19:53go and have a Guinness with Paul afterwards,
19:55uh, because we always used to in the early days.
19:58Um, and, uh, I mean, I was very friendly with Angus.
20:03Um, uh, and, um...
20:09Obviously, it's not anymore, sadly.
20:13Um...
20:13Of course, you know, what happened in the end was... was tragic.
20:17Do you think there's people here that come every week?
20:19Yeah, I'm one of them.
20:21LAUGHTER
20:24APPLAUSE
20:27And that fellow over there looks familiar.
20:29I'm not quite sure...
20:30Not sure who he is, but I think he's here every week and all.
20:32There used to be another guy. I don't know what happened to him.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:37Usually, when there's a bad story about to break,
20:40you know, you'd know that it was going to be in the daily paper the next day.
20:44So I got a call the evening before,
20:48um, saying that there was going to be a story about Angus in the papers.
20:54So there we were, just sort of, like, looking at this,
20:59in absolute amazement, astonishment.
21:01We decided that, you know, it was...
21:05What was happening was happening between consenting adults,
21:09and this was an adult programme,
21:12uh, so we would let Angus continue in the role.
21:18But I remember looking him and his agent in the eye and saying,
21:23tell me whether there's anything else to come out,
21:25and they both said there wasn't.
21:28I rang Angus and told him that we're going to do the show this week,
21:32and we will prepare the show,
21:33and it will not involve the story.
21:36The script will not have this story in it.
21:39I couldn't guarantee what Paul and Ian would say.
21:42Oh, that's a man having his chips,
21:44trying to join the Labour Party, probably.
21:45That's, um, Ken.
21:47I think this is the thing about, um, party funding.
21:49This has been one story of the week, isn't it?
21:51But the one I'm really interested in, Angus, is...
21:53LAUGHTER
21:55I mean, we'd been incredibly rude about any other celebrity
21:58caught up in anything similar,
22:00and we would have to do the same with him.
22:02APPLAUSE
22:02Now, you and this prostitute...
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06How did you manage to get off paying her?
22:10Uh, she didn't tell me that she was a prostitute.
22:12She didn't tell you?
22:13The idea was he's got to be given a hard time.
22:16Get through that, show him sort of, like, you know,
22:19having a bit of a hard time.
22:20Then we can come out the other side of this
22:23and we can then carry on.
22:26I don't want to dwell on this, but...
22:29LAUGHTER
22:30APPLAUSE
22:34HE MADE ME GROWN ALL NIGHT
22:37LAUGHTER
22:38Yeah, what are you doing? Reading the autocue?
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42You know, I ripped in fairly early on in round one,
22:46but there was no way we could not do it.
22:49Is that it, or do you want to...?
22:52LAUGHTER
22:52Because, obviously, there was another question that I was asking about.
22:54Well, there's a world war breaking out in India.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:58So, the ethics committee that you were talking about...
23:01Angus wanted to focus on making the show,
23:04even if there were photographers outside the building, you know,
23:07waiting to snap him coming out.
23:08He was aware it wasn't going to be comfortable.
23:13I just don't think he was aware of just how uncomfortable it was going to be.
23:18Sorry.
23:19Thank goodness I took a line of coke before I came on.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:25I felt so sorry for Angus for all this eruption in his career,
23:29so I wasn't going to be jumping in on it.
23:32So, if you look back at that, I can't think of any other episode
23:37where I said so little.
23:38You did describe yourself as a model of new Labour conformity.
23:42Really?
23:43Mm.
23:43Oh, what was I on at the time?
23:45LAUGHTER
23:47Angus can sort you out.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:52Shall I quit while I'm down?
23:54I was amazed that Angus turned up.
23:57I mean, and I thought he handled it really well.
24:00I think it's very bad, really, to have brought the newspapers on.
24:02Imagine going to that kind of effort to, you know,
24:04I mean, I was as guilty of Ian really of sort of bringing on the front cover
24:07of the news as well.
24:08I mean, it's really...
24:08To go to all that kind of effort is just unbelievable.
24:12LAUGHTER
24:14APPLAUSE
24:15I think for the viewers, it turned out to be classic.
24:18LAUGHTER
24:22So, how many journalists are here still?
24:25I know it's the two people who left earlier.
24:27Daily Mail, the guy in the mail.
24:29He was sitting here, he's left.
24:30Oh, is he?
24:31Oh, no.
24:33I was hoping to catch up.
24:36Of course, we thought that that was it.
24:38And then six months later, in October,
24:40we discovered that there were more allegations coming out.
24:44And this is where it becomes really difficult to do,
24:46because you can't keep making the same jokes every week.
24:50But then if I don't say something, or Ian doesn't say something,
24:53the guests will say something.
24:55No, no, it was a very tidy sum.
24:56Don't say more than you get paid to be on this programme.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00But they pay what people are worth.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04There was a defining moment, for me anyway,
25:06when Christine Hamilton got the best of Angus.
25:10When he was rude about Neil Hamilton and her husband,
25:13she rounded on him and gave him both barrels.
25:16Peter Stringfellow, Piers Morgan, Stephen Fry,
25:20and disgraced former Tory MP, Neil Hamilton.
25:22Hang on, wait a moment.
25:23Would you mind cutting out the word disgrace
25:24when you refer to my husband in future?
25:26I was so furious with him, you know, how dare you,
25:30how absolutely dare you, after everything you've done,
25:33how dare you use that word about my husband?
25:37He's disgraced, what are you?
25:38Exactly.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41Disgraced, I think.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44So I haven't banged on about family values for the last seven years.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:50APPLAUSE
25:51The very small amount of moral high ground
25:53that the show needed in order to operate
25:56had been taken away.
25:59I mean, that week, I rang the BBC and said,
26:01we can't make the show anymore.
26:02We tried to stand by him,
26:04but once the show was damaged by what he had done,
26:09then he had to go.
26:10I actually felt very bad about that afterwards,
26:13and I wrote to Angus,
26:15and I expressed my regret at what had happened.
26:18He never responded to the letter,
26:19I don't know whether he ever got it,
26:23but I wished him well and said, you know,
26:26I'm sorry for any part that I'm unwittingly paid.
26:29I thought they might sack the whole show,
26:31which would have been understandable.
26:32They said, OK, what are you going to do?
26:34I said, I've got no idea.
26:35We'll think of something.
26:36And that week, I said to Paul Merton,
26:38you always said how easy it is on the show to host this show.
26:41You said a monkey could do it.
26:43Well, actually, it's your turn this week.
26:46Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
26:48We'd like to apologise for the recording fault in last week's episode.
26:52It should have ended like this.
26:55Good night.
26:59Amongst some of the producers,
27:00there was a feeling that this might be the end of the show.
27:04One producer was really nervous about what it was going to be like
27:07and was talking to me in make-up in such a nervous, anxiety-ridden way.
27:11I said, look, I said, look, can you just go and sit down somewhere,
27:15take a deep breath, it'll be fine.
27:17What was there?
27:17Any other freak happenings in this storm?
27:20Bearded ladies punching people.
27:21Bearded ladies punching people.
27:23Extra point, that certainly happened.
27:27It is a different show, isn't it?
27:29How does he know that?
27:30I don't know.
27:31It didn't happen under the old regime.
27:32No, I don't know.
27:34There was a few journalists amongst the audience,
27:36in the studio audience, ready to write down, you know,
27:39Have I Got News For You, flops, end of series, you know, as various...
27:43That was me.
27:43Yes, that's right.
27:45This is the...
27:48Next.
27:49Are you new at this?
27:50I am, yes.
27:52This is...
27:52This is the discovery of Saddam Hussein.
27:57I've absolutely no desire to sit in the chair.
27:59A, I don't think I'd do it very well.
28:02No, I'm sure I wouldn't do it very well.
28:04And B...
28:05Oh, no, of course you would.
28:06No, no.
28:07I totally missed that cue.
28:08Your timing is so terrible.
28:10I totally missed that cue.
28:11I really am sorry.
28:12So, until next week, when someone else will be sitting in this chair,
28:15my money's on sooty.
28:16Good night.
28:18That's what I needed to do, was I needed to...
28:20Demonstrate that somebody else can host this show.
28:23The following week, I rang up Anne Robinson, who I knew,
28:27and she was the queen of mean at the time on The Weakest Link,
28:29and probably the most famous, you know,
28:32one of the most famous faces on British television,
28:34and she jumped at it, because she's a journalist.
28:36Do you want me to recap all the scores at this point?
28:38Do what you like, love.
28:41We've got a lot of people to see, so if you can keep it coming...
28:46For me, it was fantastic,
28:48because she'd been one of Robert Maxwell's great defenders.
28:51And here was someone who was still banging on about
28:55how this terrific crook,
28:57who'd made my life miserable by suing me every five minutes,
29:01was suddenly on the show.
29:02It was great.
29:03You used to get 250 grand, didn't you?
29:06That's true.
29:06From Robert Maxwell, wasn't it?
29:07Yes, indeed, I did.
29:08Still, he's dead now, isn't he?
29:10He is indeed.
29:11Thank goodness.
29:16And I suddenly thought,
29:17oh, I see,
29:19there's another world
29:21that could open up
29:23with people bringing their own stuff.
29:26Good evening.
29:27Good evening.
29:27Good evening.
29:28Good evening.
29:29Good evening.
29:30Welcome.
29:30Welcome to...
29:31Have I got news?
29:31Have I got news?
29:32Have I got news?
29:33For you.
29:33For you.
29:33I'm Stephen Mangan.
29:35I'm Miranda Hart.
29:36I'm Bill Bailey.
29:37I used to be John Pertwee.
29:41We did entertain the idea
29:42of a permanent host.
29:44In fact,
29:45we went down the road
29:47of kind of auditioning people
29:49along those lines.
29:50Good evening,
29:51and welcome to
29:52Have I got news for you.
29:53I'm Alexander Armstrong,
29:54and if I seem a little uncomfortable tonight,
29:56it's because I'm sitting
29:56on Matthew Parris' column.
29:58We did some run-throughs
29:59in some basement studio
30:01somewhere in Soho,
30:03not with Ian and Paul,
30:05but with actually,
30:05I mean, Mulville,
30:06actually, the head of Hat-trick.
30:07And it was...
30:09That was quite good fun, actually.
30:11I did enjoy that,
30:12but nerve-wracking.
30:14And there's disturbing evidence
30:16of how a young Boris Johnson
30:17got his big break
30:18in the Conservative Party.
30:23Good night.
30:25There were quite a number
30:26of people being lined up,
30:27and so therefore,
30:28it did become
30:29a little bit competitive.
30:31The Australian man denied
30:32that his life is ruled
30:34by his obsession with lager,
30:35though he does have
30:36four ex-wives
30:37and a foster child.
30:40Kirsty Young was terrific.
30:42There was always
30:43an element of
30:44someone quite strict
30:46keeping the show
30:47on the road.
30:48Finished?
30:48Yeah, we have.
30:49Yeah.
30:51Former editor of the Today...
30:53No, we haven't.
30:55Sorry, childish.
30:56Do, do, do carry on.
30:58Former editor...
30:59I'm going to start now, you see.
31:01Now the game's started, you see.
31:03You do this every time I'm here.
31:05No, we don't.
31:05Yes, you do.
31:06No, no, no, please.
31:07No, it's our version
31:08of name that word.
31:22In your own time.
31:26The thing about having
31:27a guest host every week
31:28is I'm sure that's added
31:30to the longevity of the show
31:31because of the five people
31:34on screen,
31:34three of them weren't there
31:35the week before.
31:36In conversations with the BBC,
31:38obviously they did their research
31:39and they said,
31:40we think the guest host thing
31:41is really working.
31:42We're talking 16 million,
31:44aren't we?
31:44No.
31:45No?
31:46Too little?
31:46You need too many papers.
31:47I do.
31:48No, it's nowhere near as much
31:49as that.
31:50I have to pay 40% tax,
31:51tax, everything.
31:52Oh, you're kidding.
31:52Yes.
31:55There was this free saw,
31:56who's going to be sitting
31:57in the chair this week?
31:58Are they going to be any good?
31:59Are they going to be funny?
32:01You know,
32:01what particular aspect
32:02of their personalities
32:04are they going to bring?
32:05So let's find out
32:06how the teams line up.
32:08Captain Ian Hislop
32:09plays on the right
32:10if the government's on the left
32:12and on the left
32:13if the government's on the right.
32:14Captain Paul Merton,
32:16like Jamie Vardy,
32:17who's starting off
32:18in an amateur steel workers team,
32:21Paul kicked off his career
32:22with a CSE in metalwork.
32:24The logic would have been
32:26that guest hosts
32:28should be comedians.
32:29This is a comedy show.
32:30But what was striking
32:31was that you could put in,
32:33as a guest host,
32:34somebody like William Hague,
32:36not a comedian at all,
32:37a politician,
32:38and a frontline politician,
32:39a very senior politician,
32:40and he'd be brilliant.
32:41So, yes, it's the latest
32:47developments on Iraq.
32:50Did I not register
32:51in your brain, William,
32:52that booing?
32:52No, it's used to.
32:53I think you'll find
32:53it washes over him.
32:56It's only a Tory party
32:57long enough to know
32:58how to ignore boos.
33:00So you weren't very popular, then?
33:02It's the...
33:05Listen, just because I tell jokes
33:06doesn't mean you should
33:07have political opinions.
33:09I do love it
33:11when they get
33:11these very famous actors
33:14as hosts.
33:16They are invariably brilliant,
33:19and there's always
33:20an extra bit of spark and spice
33:23when they say something edgy.
33:25Did anybody read anything
33:27about other cast members
33:28in the phone-hacking scandal
33:29this week?
33:30Rebecca Wade,
33:31the former editor
33:33of the News of the World
33:33and the Sun,
33:34is having a baby.
33:36But, uh,
33:38it's through a surrogate
33:39and she's asked for privacy.
33:42It's correct.
33:43She's expecting a baby
33:44via a surrogate mother
33:45or, as the Sun might have put it,
33:47disgraced ginger dragon
33:48to have Frankenstein.
33:51There's a real
33:52factor,
33:52which this show still has
33:54after decades.
33:56They know they're reading
33:57someone else's lines,
33:58you know,
33:59if they're presenting,
34:00so that's absolutely fine.
34:01And yet,
34:02there's the idea
34:03that they have to
34:03kind of riff
34:04or be interesting
34:06outside the framework
34:08and that,
34:09I think,
34:09terrifies them.
34:11What have Ed Balls
34:12and Ed Miliband
34:13been hinting at?
34:14Been...
34:14Been hinting at?
34:16Yeah.
34:19What have they been hinting at?
34:21Don't know.
34:22So push.
34:24You're wearing a suit.
34:25I can afford it.
34:31That's because
34:31you don't pay any tax.
34:36Now, you come in
34:38and you're excited.
34:39It's a great opportunity.
34:42But then,
34:42you're going to be
34:43alongside people
34:45who actually
34:45do comedy for real.
34:47This is the triumph
34:48of the Foxes,
34:49Leicester City.
34:50They might get relegated
34:50next year.
34:51That'd be funny,
34:51wouldn't it?
34:55What, of course,
34:56you don't know
34:56is what direction
34:57you're going to be led in.
34:58So the Labour Party,
34:59they have sort of houses
35:00which they put themselves in
35:02and the Lib Dems
35:03have houses
35:03which they put
35:04their children in
35:05and the Tories
35:06have houses
35:07which they put
35:07their ducks in.
35:10And they start
35:11talking about something
35:12that is on sort of
35:13the sixth little card
35:14of notes you've got
35:15in front of you
35:16and you're thinking,
35:16um, right,
35:17oh, God,
35:18um,
35:20yes,
35:21what did
35:22the council leader
35:23so-and-so
35:24have to say about that?
35:25Yes, yes,
35:26mm, mm.
35:26And it seems to go
35:27too quick
35:28and the cards,
35:29I'm getting muddled
35:30and my glasses
35:31are on and off
35:31and I'm thinking,
35:32and now I'm starting
35:33to have a nervous breakdown.
35:35And then Paul's
35:35suddenly gone off
35:36on some fantastic
35:37sort of,
35:37you know,
35:38some synapses
35:39just gone
35:40like they do.
35:41How would you advise
35:42having sex with Mike Tyson?
35:44You go in
35:45understanding full well,
35:46it may not go
35:47the way you planned.
35:48And you've got to
35:49try and bring it back.
35:50What has Anne Whittacombe
35:51new subject?
35:52Has she had sex
35:52with Mike Tyson?
35:55And so this is
35:55basically the job.
35:56What has Anne Whittacombe
35:57offered to do
35:58if it would help
35:58and it's not to do
35:59with Mike Tyson?
36:01When you get
36:01that first laugh,
36:03the first laugh,
36:03it's like,
36:04pfft,
36:05that's all right.
36:06And following the arrest
36:07of several senior officials,
36:09FIFA bring in a new face
36:10to help eradicate
36:11the culture of greed.
36:16Well,
36:16there was
36:16an amazing surprise,
36:18which I guess
36:19was Bruce Forsyth.
36:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:29There we are.
36:31Oh.
36:33Thank you so much.
36:34Whoa, thank you.
36:36They can't all be wrong,
36:38can they?
36:39Anyway, good evening.
36:40Yes, the papers
36:41weren't lying,
36:41it is me.
36:42But don't worry,
36:43there'll be no gimmicks,
36:44no catchphrases,
36:45so welcome to
36:47Have I Got News For You,
36:49For You Have I Got...
36:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:51He was actually
36:52quite nervous
36:53just before going on,
36:54just backstage.
36:54He was a bit nervous,
36:55which surprised me,
36:56but he said,
36:57I don't know
36:57what they're going to be like,
36:58I don't know
36:58whether they're going to like me or not.
36:59He said,
36:59I don't know
36:59what the sort of audience is.
37:02But that was really good to see
37:03because it showed
37:04that he was caring,
37:06he really wanted this to work.
37:07And as soon as he walked out
37:09through the glittery curtains
37:10and the audience erupted...
37:11APPLAUSE
37:12It's definitely time for...
37:18LAUGHTER
37:20It is that feeling
37:22of witnessing something.
37:24I have to say
37:25the Iraqi
37:25Play Your Cards Right
37:27about the rewards
37:29being offered
37:30on various
37:30Iraqi war criminals.
37:32You just thought,
37:33well, that's
37:34utterly bonkers.
37:35Now, these are the cards
37:37that the Americans...
37:38Please.
37:41This is satire.
37:45That's about as bad taste
37:46as anything
37:47that has ever been
37:48on television.
37:49And it was Bruce Forsyth
37:50doing it.
37:51Thank you, Bruce.
37:52It's the king
37:53of clubs.
37:54RCC vice chairman
37:55is at Ibram.
37:57Now then,
37:58it's a high card.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:05Think about this.
38:06The audience will help you.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:08Do you think
38:09it's higher or lower?
38:11LAUGHTER
38:16I'm not sure this programme
38:17can go much lower.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:20So I remember watching that
38:21thinking,
38:21this is fantastic television
38:23because it was like
38:24a planetary collision
38:26but hugely entertaining
38:28and there was a lot
38:28of love in it as well.
38:29APPLAUSE
38:30Tony Blair
38:30insists that weapons
38:32of mass destruction
38:33will eventually be found
38:34in Iraq.
38:35Well, it would be nice
38:37to see them,
38:37to see them...
38:38Nice!
38:40LAUGHTER
38:40LAUGHTER
38:41LAUGHTER
38:41The Bruce Forsyth show,
38:42I think, is Paul's favourite show
38:44and part of that is
38:46because he thinks
38:47I hated it
38:48and had no idea
38:50what was going on.
38:52APPLAUSE
38:53I've been waiting 14 years
38:55for the show to be like this.
38:56LAUGHTER
38:58I'm having the time
38:59of my life!
39:01It's undoubtedly,
39:03partly because he was on
39:04Have I Got News For You,
39:05that we ended up casting him
39:07as the host
39:08of Strictly Come Dancing.
39:10APPLAUSE
39:12It's a new first
39:14for television,
39:15Invisible Tap Dancing.
39:17I think one of the big things
39:19we can say about the show
39:20is that it's one of the few
39:22comedy programmes,
39:24if not the only comedy programme,
39:27who has really delivered
39:28us a Prime Minister.
39:29And with Paul Merton tonight
39:30is a Daily Telegraph journalist
39:32who last year took a month off
39:33to spend some time on his own.
39:35He stood as a Conservative candidate
39:36in Wales,
39:37Boris Johnson.
39:39APPLAUSE
39:40I remember ringing Ian
39:42to say,
39:43oh, we've got this journalist
39:44who seems pretty funny,
39:46Boris Johnson doing it,
39:47and Ian said,
39:48ah, the jackal!
39:49And you go, what?
39:50And so Ian told us
39:51about this phone call
39:53that Boris had been involved in,
39:54which I must admit
39:55I didn't know about.
39:56The conversation was
39:57along the lines of
39:59Darius,
40:00or Darius,
40:02I never went to school
40:02where anybody called that.
40:05A conversation about
40:06whether Boris could get
40:07a journalist beaten up
40:09for some story
40:10that Mr Guppy didn't like.
40:12We constructed an odd one out
40:14about taped phone conversations
40:19to give Ian the opportunity
40:21to just bring up the subject.
40:24APPLAUSE
40:25I'm surprised you gave me this one.
40:27Why?
40:28Because Boris was caught on tape as well.
40:30Ha, ha, ha.
40:30Rigidly comic, yes,
40:31that's how I say it says.
40:35Sorry, what was that?
40:37I said it was written
40:38a good point.
40:40Yeah.
40:41He said,
40:42ha, ha, ha,
40:43richly comic,
40:44which it jolly well was.
40:46What were you recorded saying?
40:49I, honestly,
40:49I don't remember.
40:50I do.
40:53APPLAUSE
40:55APPLAUSE
40:55Boris was on tape
40:56talking to Darius Guppy,
40:59his very great man.
41:00I didn't want to be
41:00totally stitched up here.
41:01I had...
41:03What you want
41:03and what you don't want.
41:05I'm way out of my depth here.
41:07I've been totally stitched up.
41:08I want it on the record.
41:09I walked straight into
41:10a massive elephant trap.
41:11I should have spotted it.
41:14Boris was completely furious.
41:16He was always cross.
41:17He always thought
41:21that I, in particular,
41:23was out to get him,
41:25which, you know,
41:26it's fair enough.
41:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
41:28Stop giving him a nudge,
41:29will you, Ian?
41:30You can't, yeah.
41:30LAUGHTER
41:32I have to say,
41:34sort of very early on
41:35from when we were
41:36trying to book guest hosts,
41:38Boris was kind of the one
41:39I really wanted to do it.
41:41Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:42Hello, hello.
41:44Good evening,
41:44and welcome to
41:45Have I Got News For You.
41:47In the news this week,
41:48undiscovered footage
41:49from William Hague's
41:50school days
41:50supports his claims
41:51that he used to drink
41:5214 pints a night.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:57I think the narrative
41:59that Have I Got News For You
42:01made Boris
42:02is just a total misreading
42:04of what happened.
42:05The joke about Boris
42:07was that this man
42:08can't even run a panel show.
42:10He literally couldn't
42:11get the cards in order.
42:12He had no idea
42:15who anything was
42:16or who anyone was.
42:18He was a joke.
42:20Paul.
42:21Paul.
42:26I wanted Basil Brush.
42:29I do.
42:30I wanted Basil Brush.
42:34I'm not sure
42:35I'm not sure
42:36we haven't got him.
42:38He was so funny.
42:39I think he was actually
42:40funnier on it than I was.
42:42Absolutely right.
42:42Give that man
42:43give that man a coconut.
42:44He said
42:44they're an except
42:45coconut.
42:46Or whatever.
42:46The prize of games.
42:48I don't want a coconut.
42:49I'm going to have a point.
42:50Have a point.
42:51Have several points.
42:52I've changed my mind Boris.
42:53I will have a coconut.
42:53We'll have to get the catering.
42:54I bet I end up
42:55with less coconuts.
42:57Boris hasn't really
42:58changed his act
42:58since he was presenting
43:00Have I Got News For You
43:00to be fair.
43:01Whether or not
43:02we can supply a coconut
43:02or not I don't know.
43:04But I'll tell you exactly
43:05how to...
43:05You're offering coconuts
43:07and yet you have not
43:09there's no facility
43:10to give me a coconut.
43:10You're promising something
43:11you can't deliver
43:12which is what you
43:12accused the Labour Party of.
43:16You look at these
43:18broadcasts that he does
43:19with the two team captains
43:20at either side of him
43:21it's exactly the same thing
43:23on the virus.
43:26Boris was a star.
43:28He wasn't a particularly
43:30well-known politician
43:33but he was a personality.
43:35He was a character.
43:36From the party
43:37that keeps its promises.
43:40There's a lot about Boris
43:42which makes him
43:43a really good
43:44comedy entertainer.
43:46That is the job
43:48he should have been
43:49employed to do.
43:51They are
43:53Boris Johnson
43:54for Have I Got News For You.
43:58People are surprised
43:59when I tell them
43:59one year he was nominated
44:01for a BAFTA
44:02for Best Performance
44:04in an Entertainment Programme.
44:05And you could see
44:07he was very keen
44:07to win the award.
44:09Jonathan Ross
44:10for Friday Night
44:11with Jonathan Ross.
44:12When Boris
44:13became Prime Minister
44:14I think there was
44:15sort of like
44:16some journalistic outlets
44:17that were desperately
44:18trying to turn this
44:19into the story
44:20of Have I Got News For You
44:21has made Boris Johnson
44:22Prime Minister.
44:23If you look at the history
44:24of the show
44:24nearly everybody
44:25who's been on
44:25more times than Boris
44:26became Prime Minister.
44:28Ken Livingstone.
44:29Yeah.
44:30Charles Kennedy.
44:31Yeah.
44:32Absolutely.
44:32If you're going to
44:33blame someone
44:34you can blame the voters
44:36which I do
44:38or you can blame the system.
44:40I mean I didn't vote Boris in
44:41I thought he was
44:42absolutely unsuitable
44:43and unfit for any of this.
44:45The whole of London
44:46Europe's biggest electorate
44:47votes Boris in twice
44:48so don't blame us.
44:54The broadcast can finish
44:56of an episode
44:57and about the very same episode
44:59one bunch of people
45:01will scream
45:02typical
45:03right-wing
45:04establishment
45:04crap
45:06the other side
45:07will say
45:07typical BBC
45:09lefty nonsense.
45:10Yeah and the government
45:11essentially has done
45:12a U-turn
45:12on a number of things
45:13which the public
45:13don't agree with
45:14you know
45:15and that's not government
45:16as you know Alistair.
45:17Million people
45:18marked by saying
45:19we don't want the war
45:19you don't listen to them.
45:22What's that?
45:23What?
45:24Do you know what
45:25Tommy Robinson does
45:25for a living?
45:26Used to run a tanning shop.
45:28Exactly right.
45:30What changing the colour
45:30of people's skin?
45:31Yeah.
45:36So your customer
45:37comes in
45:37come in madam
45:38next after half an hour
45:39like you can get out.
45:42It's the very fact
45:45that this show
45:48can still
45:49trouble and infuriate
45:51such a wide range
45:52of people
45:53that makes it
45:54great.
45:55Well I'll tell you
45:56the other things
45:56you've said about him
45:57is he is a turbo
45:59weirdo.
46:00Correct.
46:01a weaponised lentil
46:07an extraordinary
46:07half resuscitated
46:09gate.
46:12It is quite blokey.
46:13I think we can be
46:14perfectly honest
46:15about this.
46:15It is quite blokey.
46:17Um
46:19or at least
46:19it was
46:20when I started.
46:21I bet Chris Evans
46:22is ringing him
46:23even now
46:23don't you think?
46:26Go on Jeremy
46:27punch him.
46:32I mean the whole
46:34thing is
46:34ruthless.
46:35It's the Roman
46:36arena
46:37with mangled
46:39corpses
46:40in all directions.
46:41What I actually
46:42said was
46:42that
46:43women who are
46:45self-destructive
46:46in particular
46:47those women
46:47whose self-image
46:48is so low
46:49that they cannot
46:50appear in public
46:51without
46:52their hair birds
46:53nested all over
46:54the place
46:54three inches
46:55of exposed cleavage
46:56and fuck me shoes.
46:56I didn't actually
46:57name anybody.
46:59This was in a piece
47:00about Suzanne Moore
47:01though wasn't it?
47:03Why would shoes
47:04want to be fucked
47:05anyway?
47:06The thing you have
47:08to do is
47:08you have to
47:10step up to the
47:10plate.
47:12You can't just
47:13sit there
47:14and simper.
47:16What sort of
47:17shoes are you
47:17wearing Germaine?
47:19Uh
47:19don't fuck me
47:20see.
47:21Leave me alone
47:22shoes or I'll
47:23kick you in the
47:23face shoes.
47:24I thought it
47:25was frightening
47:26and I was
47:27scared that I
47:28wouldn't be able
47:29to think of
47:30funny things
47:30to say
47:31but I really
47:33felt it was
47:33important because
47:34there were so
47:35few women
47:36to actually
47:37go on
47:38and kind
47:39of you know
47:40suffer it
47:41if you like.
47:42That's Terry
47:44Wogan paying
47:44Cher an awful
47:46lot of money
47:4620 grand
47:47a pound for
47:48every year of
47:49her life
47:49to come on
47:50his show.
47:51You know
47:52she got 20
47:53grand right
47:54I got 800
47:54she got a new
47:56bum and I
47:57went down
47:57quick fit and
47:58had one of
47:58me blackheads
47:59squeezed.
48:02I remember
48:03being on the
48:04show with
48:04Jo Brand
48:05probably she
48:06was hosting
48:07and I was
48:07a guest
48:08and she
48:09made a joke
48:10about eating
48:11a strawberry
48:12ice cream
48:12that was
48:14so filthy
48:15I was
48:16literally
48:17helpless.
48:18A group
48:18of Finnish
48:18lawyers
48:19has suggested
48:20new EU
48:20sexual harassment
48:22laws should
48:22cover women
48:23eating ice
48:24creams
48:24provocatively
48:25in front
48:26of male
48:27colleagues.
48:28I wouldn't
48:28do that
48:29I always
48:29make sure
48:30I'm alone
48:30before I
48:30open my
48:31Mivvy.
48:40They're good
48:41hosts and
48:41then they're
48:42just crazy
48:42hosts who
48:43are just
48:43you know
48:44the Brian
48:44Blesseds.
48:45I mean I
48:47can't even
48:47remember when
48:48the camera was
48:49turned on
48:49and it didn't
48:50matter.
48:50He's the
48:51same isn't
48:52he?
48:52Yes.
48:53You know
48:53from the
48:53moment he
48:54comes in
48:54the room
48:54to when
48:55he taxi
48:56goes again.
48:58Good
48:58evening and
48:59welcome to
49:00Have I Got
49:00News for
49:01You.
49:01I am
49:02Brian
49:02Blessed.
49:06I think
49:07the original
49:08motivation may
49:09have been
49:10because I
49:10think we
49:11were at
49:11the time
49:12when Gordon
49:12Brown was
49:13either
49:13Chancellor
49:14or briefly
49:15Prime Minister
49:16they just
49:17wanted
49:18Brian
49:18Blessed
49:18to shout
49:19Gordon's
49:20alive.
49:20I think
49:21that was
49:22it.
49:22Now in
49:23the news
49:23this week
49:24the polls
49:24continue to
49:25slide for
49:26Gordon Brown
49:27and some
49:28people are
49:28saying he's
49:29dead and
49:29buried but
49:30I think the
49:31opposite.
49:32I say
49:32Gordon's
49:33alive!
49:35Yes!
49:36Yes!
49:37darling!
49:39When
49:40someone like
49:40him is
49:41hosting it
49:41you kind
49:42of just
49:43have to
49:43lash
49:43yourself
49:43to the
49:44mast
49:44and get
49:45through it
49:45because
49:46nuance
49:47isn't
49:48going to
49:48necessarily
49:48creep
49:48into it
49:49so you
49:49have to
49:50get in
49:51where you
49:51can.
49:52You are
49:53the only
49:53gay
49:53Tory aren't
49:54you?
49:55Are you
49:56gay?
50:12You'd never
50:12guess you
50:13were an
50:13actor.
50:17There are
50:18very few
50:19people in
50:19my life
50:20that I've
50:21been able
50:21to impress
50:21my sister
50:22with and
50:23you know
50:23I ring
50:24up and
50:25say
50:25I've
50:26met
50:26Nelson
50:26Mandela
50:27and she
50:27goes
50:27oh yeah
50:29but I
50:29finally got
50:30to ring
50:31her up
50:31and say
50:32you have
50:32no idea
50:33who I'm
50:34having
50:34dinner
50:34with
50:34and
50:35she
50:35said
50:36yeah
50:36who
50:38and I
50:39said
50:39William
50:39Shatner
50:40and that
50:40was it
50:41finally
50:42a win.
50:46William
50:47Shatner
50:47was on
50:47the show
50:48William
50:49Shatner
50:50hosted
50:50Have I Got
50:51News
50:51For You
50:51I mean
50:52that's
50:52extraordinary
50:53isn't it
50:53Good evening
50:54to you
50:55and welcome
50:56to Have I
50:57Got News
50:58For You
51:00I'm not sure
51:01he really
51:02understood
51:02what the show
51:03was
51:03he didn't
51:03know who
51:04any
51:05of the
51:06public
51:06figures
51:07who we
51:08were doing
51:09jokes about
51:09were
51:10he didn't
51:11know
51:11that Ilfracoon
51:12was a town
51:13This is the
51:14Olympic torch
51:15which is
51:16boldly going
51:17where no
51:17Olympic torch
51:18has gone
51:18before
51:19namely
51:20yes I
51:21agree with
51:21you
51:21namely
51:23Truro
51:24and Ilfracoon
51:28sounds
51:29deeply
51:30sexual
51:33have you
51:34been to
51:34Ilfracoon
51:35I have
51:35the place
51:36is laced
51:37with prostitution
51:42he got about
51:42a third of the way
51:43into the show
51:44and then
51:45it
51:46the kind of
51:47madness of it
51:48started to take over
51:54God save the queen
51:56the fascist regime
51:59they made you a moron
52:02potential H-bomb
52:04he kept
52:05looking at me
52:06and he would
52:07wink at me
52:08quite a few times
52:10he winked at me
52:10which was
52:13slightly unsettling
52:14in a way
52:15oh
52:16no
52:17no
52:17no
52:17no
52:17no
52:18no
52:19I'm a rocket man
52:22I have to say
52:23the worm by this
52:26they have to reinvent
52:27the wheel each week
52:28don't they
52:28that's why the writers
52:29are so good
52:30because those writers
52:31have to write jokes
52:33that are going to be
52:33said by completely
52:34different people
52:36every week
52:40and outside
52:41Westminster
52:42planning department
52:42there are suspicions
52:44that developers
52:45are attempting
52:45to bribe
52:46John Prescott
52:50the website
52:51went on to say
52:52it's traditional
52:53for a couple of
52:54throppany bits
52:54to go into the pudding
52:55although if you're not
52:57keen on that
52:57get cooked to wear
52:58an apron
53:04time now for the
53:05missing words round
53:05which this week
53:06features as its
53:07guest publication
53:07the powerful owl
53:09newsletter
53:09which obviously
53:11they've got because
53:12of my association
53:12with owls
53:13I once killed
53:14an owl
53:14with a shovel
53:15no sorry
53:17there's various
53:18elements that make
53:19up the show
53:19you've got
53:20the news
53:21itself
53:22you have the
53:23guests
53:23you have me and
53:24Ian and you have
53:24the person
53:25who's hosting it
53:27when the news is
53:28really good
53:29when the news
53:30and I mean by good
53:31I don't mean
53:31necessarily uplifted
53:32I mean richly comic
53:34and full of potential
53:35you know it can
53:36really take off
53:37then
53:38the start of the
53:39great north run
53:40London to Durham
53:42and there's the eye
53:43test
53:43oh Mr Cummings
53:44can you see why
53:45everyone's so angry
53:46with you and think
53:47you should resign
53:48you complete and
53:49utter fraud
53:53Dominic Cummings
53:54visit to the castle
53:55happened at the end
53:56of our last series
53:57which was filmed
53:59in lockdown
54:00so each one of us
54:01was in our own
54:01individual cells
54:03that was a very
54:04strong show
54:05Ian was particularly
54:08exhilarated
54:09to be talking
54:09about it
54:10on British television
54:12he gave the impression
54:14in pieces
54:14in the spectator
54:15and he got his wife
54:15to write pieces
54:16suggesting he was
54:17in London
54:18which he wasn't
54:19this man has
54:20become the centre
54:21of the story
54:21and I just
54:22I cannot understand
54:23why he hasn't
54:24resigned
54:27Paul
54:27Maverick Genius
54:29thank you very much
54:30it's very kind of you
54:32I didn't realise
54:33I'd be getting
54:34an award this evening
54:35but I'd just like
54:35to say the award
54:36isn't just for me
54:37it's for everybody
54:38for those people
54:38behind the scenes
54:39I was furious
54:40you know
54:41for personal reasons
54:42because of care homes
54:43and obeying the rules
54:44then
54:44and like lots of people
54:46you know
54:46being unable to say
54:47goodbye to loved ones
54:48and all that stuff
54:49Mark Sedwell had coronavirus
54:51Boris had it
54:52Matt Hancock had it
54:53in fact the whole
54:54government had it
54:56and you know
54:56why that is Janet
54:57because the virus
54:58targets low-skill workers
55:02the world
55:03even at its blackest
55:05is quite a comic place
55:08and it's almost
55:10never true
55:11that there is
55:11nothing funny
55:12or nothing
55:13certainly bleakly
55:14comic
55:15about what's going on
55:17Oscar Pistorius
55:18has been sent
55:18to a prison
55:19in Pretoria
55:20where gang rape
55:21and violence
55:21are rife
55:22you have to be
55:23particularly careful
55:23in the showers
55:24because Oscar Pistorius
55:26might shoot you
55:26through the door
55:29the more difficult
55:30it gets
55:31to make
55:32edgy jokes
55:33the more
55:35people scream
55:36and roar
55:36and say
55:36you shouldn't make it
55:37the more
55:38it's a sort of
55:40moral imperative
55:41to keep doing it
55:42I was just going to say
55:43that also
55:43by funding
55:44Islamic fundamentalism
55:45it pays off the guilt
55:47the Saudis feel
55:48for their lives
55:48of luxury
55:49a bit like
55:50Jimmy Savile's
55:51charity work
55:52oh come on
55:54grow up
55:55the fact that
55:56they're still there
55:57they're still
55:59entertaining you
56:00and they're still
56:01sort of
56:01in the midst
56:03of this
56:03this extraordinary
56:04chaotic world
56:05which we now
56:06inhabit
56:07so we need
56:07shows like
56:08Have I Got News
56:09For You
56:09doctors injected Trump
56:11with a potentially
56:11lethal cocktail
56:12of experimental
56:13and untested drugs
56:14but somehow
56:15he pulled through
56:18who do you think
56:19is going to get it
56:19next
56:22in the US
56:23sort of
56:24presidential world
56:25oh I see
56:25not Mrs Watkins
56:26at number 23
56:29who's closest
56:30to Trump
56:31oh Putin
56:35I mean looking back
56:36over 500 shows
56:38and goodness knows
56:39how many guests
56:40it's pretty
56:40extraordinary
56:42I can't quite
56:43get my head
56:43round it
56:44did Ian say
56:45nice things
56:46about me
56:46when you
56:46interviewed him
56:48he didn't
56:48did he
56:49he didn't
56:50did he
56:50I don't even
56:51mention him
56:54I think he's on
56:55Paul
56:56oh right
56:57yes
56:58Paul Merton
57:00yes he's still
57:01on it
57:01isn't he
57:03Paul could you
57:03ever find it
57:04in your heart
57:04to put your bitter
57:05rivalry to one side
57:07and form a
57:07coalition with Ian
57:08yeah all right
57:09go on then
57:10if you switched on
57:11and Ian or Paul
57:12wasn't there
57:13it's like the
57:13Ravens leaving
57:14the Tower of London
57:15I mean it would
57:15spook people
57:16it's almost a matter
57:18of national duty
57:20that they would be
57:21there where people
57:22expect to see them
57:24I've got a feeling
57:25you're going to win
57:25this week
57:52you're going to win
57:56you're going to win
57:56you're going to win