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American Dad - Season 22 - Episode 07: Reaper Madness
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00:03Good morning USA, I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day, the sun in the sky
00:11has a smile on his face, and he's shining a salute to the American race, oh boy it's
00:21well to say, good morning USA. Is dinner ready yet? It has to be, I've been grating this parmesan
00:37for an hour. You've started grating your fingers, Stan. Oh yeah. I don't care, I'll eat finger
00:44meat, I'm just so hungry. Shut your yap, Jeffrey, I'm hangry enough to stab you.
00:51Ugh, these expired three years ago, salad's ruined. It's all riding on the lasagna, and
00:58lasagna's biggest question, has it cooked all the way through? Just needs a little elbow
01:06grease. There's got to be a better way. Why are weeknight dinners so hard? We could've
01:19ain't the top part. I just want my life back. You all aren't gonna believe this, but there's
01:25a class at the Learning Annex tonight, called Easy 15 Minute Weeknight Meals Colon Get Your
01:30Life Back. My raggedy colon could use its life back. No, I mean the colon that's two dots.
01:36Two dots?
01:40What's up, dogs? What's up, dogs, is we're taking our lives back from the tyranny of weeknight
01:46dinners. Sick. I won't be doing that. I have a friend coming over. Can y'all drop me off
01:53at my curiosities shop? Thanks for asking. My curiosities shop from when Steve and his friends
01:58were witches. Steve, you and your friends ever talk about being witches again?
02:02No. Did he just roll his eyes at me? Out of his witch phase and into his bitch phase?
02:08I can't believe you're going to miss out on this class just to hang out with some friend.
02:12Hey, Klaus.
02:13Dinuta?
02:16Dinuta.
02:17Klaus, no. That's why I said friend and not her name.
02:21Her name. Dinuta, of course. That is the name. She owns it. What mischief are we getting into tonight?
02:28We're going to do hot girl stuff and burn letters to our exes. It's a full moon, so the perfect
02:34time to cleanse our souls. I'd love to watch you cleanse your soul, Dinuta.
02:39Join us.
02:40No.
02:40Too late, I accept.
02:44Shouldn't we have stoves or ovens to cook on?
02:48Friends, are you tired of spending hours of your day cooking one meal?
02:53Do you want your time back? Do you want your life back?
02:57Yes.
02:58Well, put your hands together for the one and only Cricket Lamone.
03:07There's a reason I start this class at precisely 9.47 p.m.
03:12Because that's the time when we've all given up on whatever crackpot chef boingardee slop
03:19they've brainwashed you to make.
03:22Weeknight meals shouldn't take away your life.
03:25Oh, but it does, Cricket. It does.
03:28I know, my son.
03:31Don't sniff my hand.
03:33I'm going to show you how to make delicious, nutritious, easy meals in only 15 minutes.
03:43We're going to get our lives back, Billy.
03:46Picture it. You're at home. It's 6.45 p.m.
03:50And by 7, you have...
03:53An osso buco with red bean cassoulet.
03:57Yeah, 15 minutes.
03:59Yeah, you Cricket.
04:00But how did you make it?
04:02Easily.
04:03And in only 15 minutes.
04:13He's going to take forever to scoot over here. Let's just start.
04:16Double driving cadence.
04:18Oh.
04:19Whoa.
04:20Whoa.
04:21Oh.
04:22Oh.
04:23Oh.
04:24I can't stop. Catch me.
04:25Ah!
04:26What's cracking, babies?
04:28I'll start.
04:29This is from Bruce at the car wash.
04:31He broke my heart and my side-view mirror.
04:33And now I'm letting it go.
04:36This is from Nolan, my boyfriend of one day in 8th grade.
04:40He wrote,
04:41The only chemistry we have together is 5th period.
04:44My turn.
04:45These are letters from various catalog models.
04:47No.
04:48Runway model.
04:49No.
04:50Runway poker babes whose hearts I completely wrecked.
04:57Uh, this is a cease and desist letter from Rue McClanahan.
05:01Didn't she play Blanche on Golden Girl?
05:03Golden Girls, you idiot!
05:05And her character gave mixed signals.
05:07Give that back!
05:13Can you leave us alone?
05:14Danuta and I are vibing!
05:16No, we're having a girls' night and you're ruining it!
05:19Classic Klaus!
05:20You don't like me, do you, Hayley?
05:22I love you, you're family.
05:25But you don't like me.
05:26You don't like me?
05:27You're only hanging out with me because Danuta is here.
05:30You're kind of a weasel.
05:32You always have an ulterior motive.
05:34That's not true.
05:35I wouldn't have joined if you'd asked me not to.
05:38I did ask you not to.
05:39Yeah, but I want Danuta to be my girlfriend,
05:41so I didn't consider how you felt.
05:43You understand.
05:44Y'all want to hear a scary story?
05:45I don't have an active imagination.
05:47Is there a video game version of it?
05:49Come on!
05:50It'll stop you both from fighting and I'll get to practice talking.
05:53I want to be a talker to people someday.
05:55Oh, you'd be great at that!
05:57You do think so?
05:59It was a night just like this,
06:01when the shapeshifter demon who lives in the well
06:04made his first kill.
06:06Oh!
06:08Two lovers, Tommy and Miranda,
06:11were parked at make-out point.
06:14Hot.
06:14After making out for an hour.
06:16Hard.
06:17For like an hour.
06:18Just an hour?
06:19Probably in a rush to get to Pound Town, USA.
06:22Yeah, yeah!
06:23Quiet, please.
06:24They took a lover's stroll to the well nearby.
06:30Overcome with love,
06:31Tommy calls into the well.
06:33I love you, Miranda.
06:35It echoes back.
06:37I love you, Miranda.
06:38Miranda.
06:39Miranda.
06:40But when Miranda tries to profess her love for Tommy into the well,
06:43she can't.
06:44As if a dark spirit was squeezing her throat.
06:48When Miranda turns around,
06:51Tommy is gone.
06:56They search for him,
06:58but he was never found.
07:00Until, one night,
07:02Miranda wakes up
07:04to a tap, tap, tap
07:07on her window.
07:08When she looks outside,
07:10she sees Tommy.
07:12He's back!
07:13He beckons her to the well,
07:15where he asks her to try and profess her love for him again.
07:19Miranda leans over the edge
07:21and cries,
07:22I love you, Tommy!
07:24As the well echoes back,
07:26Tommy!
07:27Tommy!
07:28Miranda sees the real Tommy at the bottom.
07:32Dead!
07:35Terrified,
07:37she slowly turns to the thing who brought her there.
07:41Tommy is mine.
07:43And now you're my child!
07:45No!
07:48Welcome to Euphoria.
07:50It's like euphoria,
07:51but with fear.
07:52You ain't dead,
07:53but you're scared to death,
07:54and it feels real good,
07:55like fear.
07:57Oh, God.
07:59Oh, God!
08:00Come on,
08:00wake up!
08:03Don't get it twisted,
08:05this place ain't real.
08:06It's a representation
08:07of how fear can feel.
08:09Sometimes it feels scary,
08:10but sometimes it feels good.
08:12Do you get the gist?
08:13I knew you would!
08:23Holy crap.
08:25That was better than any high I've ever had.
08:27I was scared,
08:28but it felt amazing.
08:31I know this is crazy,
08:32but would you want to get scared with me again?
08:35Okay,
08:35but only if my boy Juergen can come.
08:37No.
08:38Okay.
08:44They were dead when I found them!
08:45Oh, you're alive.
08:46Big time.
08:47But we need your scary story again
08:49in the way it made us feel.
08:55One-way ticket to Montenegro?
08:58Oh, no extradition from there,
09:01because you thought you'd killed us.
09:03Smart girl!
09:04Give it to us, Dee.
09:05Give us the story again.
09:07I don't think I should.
09:08I thought you were dead before.
09:10Plus,
09:10Nerfer is sleeping,
09:11and she gets prickly
09:12if she wakes up to a whole scene.
09:14Give us the story,
09:15or I'll slap those pointy bangs
09:17off your gorgeous face.
09:19No,
09:19they accentuate her eyes.
09:21Slap the...
09:22Slap the...
09:22This is hard.
09:23Every part's perfect.
09:24Slap racism!
09:26Now tell the story
09:27before I lose my freaking cool!
09:28Okay.
09:29It was a night
09:30just like this.
09:33Here it comes!
09:36And now you're mine, too!
09:38Where is it?
09:39Danuta told it wrong.
09:41Why did you tell it wrong?
09:42Maybe you didn't faint,
09:43because you already know
09:45how the story goes.
09:46She's right.
09:47We need to find new things
09:48to scare us.
09:48Let's boogie, Klaus.
09:50My assistant Steve
09:51will be by later
09:51for my driving canes.
09:57Jonathan?
09:58Is that you?
09:59Time to die!
10:01That was it!
10:02That wasn't scary at all!
10:04Boo!
10:04Boo!
10:05You're being disruptive.
10:07I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
10:08We're already leaving, nerd.
10:10This stinks.
10:12That snap thing
10:13you've been doing?
10:14That's cool, Klaus.
10:18Okay, this feels pretty spooky.
10:21I brought a spirit box.
10:22It allows ghosts
10:24to communicate with us.
10:25I don't know how it works,
10:26but it came with a free
10:27Hello Kitty keychain,
10:28so I was like,
10:29uh, sold.
10:32Kill.
10:33That's a good sign!
10:36Killer deals this weekend
10:38only at Nana Pam's flower shop.
10:41It's just picking up the radio.
10:47It's not the radio,
10:49it's me!
10:50The deals are my
10:51unfinished business.
10:57Rogu,
10:58you said you had something
10:59scary for us?
11:00Haunted tub.
11:03Haunted tub.
11:03Cursed wrench.
11:05Really?
11:06This is cursed?
11:07Exercise demon by
11:09fix, Rogu tub.
11:12Okay,
11:12I think Rogu
11:13is just trying to get us
11:14to fix his bathtub.
11:15Wow.
11:16We trusted you, Rogu.
11:17Never trust a bad boy.
11:26It's 645.
11:27You haven't started
11:28dinner yet?
11:29We're starting now
11:30because dinner is at 7pm
11:32and this recipe
11:33only takes 15 minutes.
11:35I think that lady
11:36was a scammer.
11:37We never saw her
11:37cook anything.
11:38But we saw her
11:39do the splits.
11:40What more do you need?
11:42Alright,
11:42the recipe says
11:43to start with the cassoulet.
11:44First ingredient,
11:45red beans.
11:47Boom.
11:48Soaked beans
11:48overnight.
11:50Overnight?
11:51A little misstep
11:51on our part.
11:52Let's pivot
11:53to the also bucco.
11:54Stevie, my boy,
11:55toss me the pearl onions
11:56and veal shanks.
11:57Yeah, there's no way
11:57we have that stuff.
11:59Should we use substitutes?
12:00Let's call Cricket Limone.
12:02She'll know what to do.
12:03Are you crazy?
12:04She's probably halfway
12:05to Montenegro by now.
12:07They don't have
12:08any extra division.
12:12You want to get loud?
12:13You go to a J-Lo concert.
12:15You want to get scared?
12:16You come to
12:16T. Lumpkin's Curiosity Shop.
12:19Bam!
12:19Gargoyle shoes.
12:20Never worn.
12:21That just makes me sad.
12:22Carnivorous pitcher plant
12:24covered in blood.
12:25How did it get
12:25covered in blood?
12:26I used it to
12:27clean a paper cut.
12:28That's not a scary story,
12:30Roger.
12:30It was for me.
12:31It stung, Haley.
12:35That's Paige.
12:36She's the new part-timer.
12:37She's been drinking
12:38that iced coffee
12:39all day.
12:40It's been done for hours.
12:41Just keeps sucking
12:42the melting ice.
12:43You done with that coffee yet?
12:45And she laughs
12:46at everything.
12:47What's funny?
12:48Nothing.
12:51Is it a nervous tick?
12:52Am I part of some sick joke?
12:54I don't know,
12:54but I love her.
12:55Let's move on.
12:56Oh, now this is scary.
12:58A skull.
12:59That's not scary.
13:00That's just something
13:01to put vodka in.
13:02Damn, I thought
13:03an empty skull
13:04would be a
13:04no-brainer.
13:06Groucho glasses
13:07worn by Stalin.
13:10Paige,
13:11do you want
13:11a new coffee?
13:13You're funny.
13:14This chick's insane.
13:16I'm obsessed with her.
13:23Roger,
13:24what's this?
13:25A map
13:26to the demon
13:26shapeshifter well
13:27at Old Makeout Point.
13:30The shapeshifter story
13:32is real?
13:32Yeah,
13:33it happened here
13:33in Langley Falls.
13:34They say
13:35if you call
13:36into the well
13:37and it echoes back,
13:38your soul's
13:39taken by the demon.
13:43Ow, baby,
13:45if that's your ticket,
13:46the well
13:47isn't what you need.
13:49You, sucker,
13:50it's time to risk it
13:51if you wanna
13:52keep seeing me.
13:57We have to go
13:58to the well.
13:58You broke
13:59the Groucho glasses.
14:00You have to buy them.
14:01Paige, ring them up.
14:01Okay.
14:04She's an icon.
14:09Hayley.
14:16I can feel it.
14:17We're going to have
14:18Euphoria again.
14:19One of us calls
14:20into the well,
14:21it echoes,
14:22and we get the greatest
14:23high of our lives.
14:25I'm freaking out.
14:26I can't do it.
14:26Yes, you can.
14:28Before we discovered
14:29Euphoria,
14:30we were basically
14:31two strangers,
14:32both trying
14:33to bang Danuta.
14:34What?
14:34I'm not trying to-
14:35But Euphoria
14:36brought us together,
14:37and I'm not going
14:38to let you give up.
14:39We'll call
14:40into the well
14:41as a team.
14:43Okay, let's do it.
14:45One,
14:46two,
14:48three.
14:48I love you, Tommy.
14:50I can't do it.
14:51Klaus, you weasel.
14:52I love you, Tommy.
14:56Congratulations,
14:57you're back for more.
14:59You found the key
15:00to your getting scared door.
15:02Addicted to fear,
15:03ain't nothing wrong with that.
15:04But the moment will end
15:05when I put on his hat.
15:09Coolest hat in the world.
15:11Hayley?
15:14The shapeshifter got her.
15:15Oh, no.
15:17Even cooler hat!
15:24You said dinner
15:25would be ready
15:26in 15 minutes.
15:27Like 115 minutes ago!
15:29We had to drive
15:30an hour and a half
15:31out of town
15:32to find fresh veal.
15:33It was very fresh.
15:35Yeah,
15:36it was really a bummer.
15:38Francine,
15:39will you do me the honor
15:40of having the first taste?
15:41I'm too close to it.
15:44The beans are still hard.
15:46Impossible!
15:47Maybe you're too tired
15:48to taste.
15:48Steve?
15:49Ooh!
15:52It said to soak them!
15:54It said it!
15:55That crunch
15:56doesn't mean anything.
15:57Steve's always had weak teeth.
15:58I have delicate enamel.
16:01Yes, rest,
16:02my little sous chefs.
16:03I'll wake you up
16:04when it's ready.
16:05I'd like to place
16:05an order for delivery.
16:07My babe's dad
16:08is trying to make
16:08a quick, easy meal.
16:10Pizzas famously
16:11take 30 minutes
16:12and dinner will be ready
16:13in 15.
16:14I can't do it!
16:15I'm sorry!
16:17Stop!
16:17You'll ruin your appetite!
16:19I need food!
16:20Hayley is a demon
16:21and she wanted to yell
16:22in the well alone!
16:23Okay, bye!
16:24Klaus,
16:25you're just in time
16:25for dinner.
16:26Taste!
16:27The beans are hard.
16:29Also, Hayley isn't Hayley.
16:30She's a shapeshifter
16:31out in the woods.
16:32So if you see her,
16:33don't open the door, okay?
16:34I'm going to sleep
16:35in your bed
16:35because it feels safer.
16:38Hayley.
16:39Yes.
16:40Hayley should taste this.
16:44Everything gets better
16:46with a good night's sleep.
16:57Klaus,
16:59come to the well.
17:16That was scary
17:18and erotic.
17:22I'm in the shapeshifter's hand!
17:26Bikini season.
17:28Real Hayley's missing out.
17:31Demon Hayley!
17:32Ah!
17:35We're back at the well!
17:39Oh, shapeshifter.
17:41I'm not even scared
17:42of you anymore.
17:43The thrill of Euphoria
17:44is gone.
17:45It's just not the same
17:46without Hayley.
17:47The high has been replaced
17:48with a shame-filled low.
17:50That never happens
17:51with other drugs.
17:56Call into the well.
17:59Ah, yes.
18:01Time for you
18:01to take my soul,
18:03I suppose.
18:04Hayley was right.
18:05I am a weasel.
18:06Not only did I back out
18:07of calling into the well
18:09at the last minute
18:09after promising her
18:10I'd be by her side,
18:12I literally left her side
18:14and ran home,
18:15bravely sleeping
18:17in my own bed.
18:18Say the words
18:20into the well,
18:22or are you
18:23too chicken.
18:25Bark, bark.
18:27I'm not chicken.
18:28If I'm going to do this,
18:30there's one thing
18:30I want to say
18:31that I should have said
18:32to the real Hayley
18:33when she was here.
18:36I do like you, Hayley,
18:38as a friend.
18:39I do like you, Hayley,
18:40as a friend.
18:42Hayley's mine,
18:42and now you're mine,
18:43and now you're mine.
18:44Hey!
18:45He's mine.
18:45And he's mine.
18:47Terrified,
18:48you're flying high.
18:50Like making love
18:51to a pretty lady
18:52and she doesn't get pregnant
18:54with a baby.
18:56Oh.
18:58Oh.
18:59You made it to the feet
19:02of your fear.
19:04You never thought
19:05you could feel
19:06this fear.
19:12Oh, yeah!
19:14Now slurp up that fear
19:16like a rat that's thirsty.
19:18Slurp it up
19:18like Paige
19:19with ice coffee.
19:20Ha, ha, ha, ha!
19:23Ha, ha!
19:24Woo!
19:24Yes!
19:25Wait, am I dead?
19:27Am I a shapeshifter?
19:29Ha, ha, ha, ha!
19:30Hayley?
19:31You really thought
19:33I was a shapeshifter?
19:34You're not?
19:35No!
19:36Why did you act
19:37like you were?
19:37Well, at first
19:38I was doing it
19:39because I was pissed.
19:40I love you, Tommy!
19:41I can't do it!
19:42Klaus, you weasel!
19:43We were supposed
19:44to yell into the well
19:45together,
19:46but you let me do it alone.
19:47Ah, ha, ha, ha!
19:48I passed out,
19:50had sick Euphoria,
19:51but then I fell in.
19:53When I woke up,
19:54I called for you.
19:56Klaus!
19:56Help!
19:58But you weren't there
19:59for me, again.
20:00And as you know,
20:01I have the upper body
20:02strength of a gorilla
20:03when I'm pissed,
20:04so I climbed out
20:05to find you.
20:07I was gonna toss you
20:08in the well out of spite,
20:09but then you said
20:10all those nice
20:11sentimental things
20:12on the way over.
20:13So, I decided
20:14to give you
20:15the best Euphoria ever
20:16by acting out
20:16the ending of the story.
20:18The Grim Reaper
20:19had a quad guitar
20:20that's four,
20:21Hayley.
20:22He grew extra hands
20:24to play it.
20:25You can just tell
20:26he is the boss
20:27of that whole hellscape.
20:29I wish you could
20:30have seen it.
20:31Honestly,
20:31I think I'm done
20:32with Euphoria.
20:33We had fun,
20:34but we got a little
20:35too into it.
20:37Hayley,
20:37something's behind you!
20:38That's not gonna work
20:39on me.
20:41Taste the beans.
20:46I'm the king of this hell'scape.
20:47I'm the skeleton's bone.
20:49In one final twist,
20:50my queen is
20:50Trinket Lampo!
20:57Please taste this.
20:58Leave me alone,
20:59my guy.
21:00Come on,
21:01just taste it.
21:09That's really good,
21:11actually.
21:11The beans are nice and soft.
21:13Thank you,
21:14Mr. Reaper.
21:15Nah,
21:16I don't give out compliments.
21:17I'm the Grim Reaper,
21:18not the Praise Heaper.
21:20That's so good.
21:22I'm the Grim Reaper,
21:25not the Praise Heaper.
21:26Yeah,
21:27that works immediately.
21:29Why is cooking so hard?
21:32Have a great night.
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