- 2 days ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S04 Ep7 A Merry Heatwave
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00:24Piano music
00:34the older you get the more you see the hand of providence in things
00:40it sends us the heat wave but not before it equips us in its mercy with short-sleeved
00:46lunalette vests ah i wish i were on a long white beach with palm trees a clear blue city
00:54and Dorothy Lamoor and Nora Batty what do you want Nora Batty for if you've got Dorothy Lamoor
01:02well a bloke's got to have a bit of grit in his diet
01:07damn attractive woman Dorothy Lamoor can't quite see her taken up with a small figure
01:12and a ferret skin and fairer down at your wellies better make that two ferret skins
01:17ah but you see machine gun mouth this happens to be a desert island
01:23and i'm the only bloke what's on it
01:25miss Donnitha Lamoor would devote her life to making raffia baskets before she'd take up with you
01:32does if i rescue her from the slimy clutches of a 40 foot octopus what is terrorizing the natives until
01:39they fled
01:40ah yes and in a fit of gratitude she hurls herself at you
01:44you get the idea
01:45it's into the slimy clutches of a five foot octopus
01:49this has been terrorizing the simple natives round about here for as long as i can remember
02:05i wish i hadn't seen that
02:09you don't want to look in there
02:10oh it's horrible it's it's more like yuck
02:21well
02:24nothing
02:25but you mean nothing
02:27i mean nothing
02:29in this heat you're supposed to feel something
02:32didn't anything still
02:34nothing
02:36oh damn it all i've it's a well-known fact that tropical weather conditions make european when you lose all
02:41sense of control
02:42we're out of raspberry ripple
02:46what a bloody legend gone
02:51you see there's something so unnatural about seeing grown-up people holding bits of each other
03:00i mean look how it's killed the cinema industry
03:03we're married are we
03:05there's no possible excuse is there
03:08sex is something precious that you should do with the lights out without ever getting excited about it
03:15and in the meantime could we have three still lemonades with ice please
03:20with ice you must be joking
03:22well let the chat run
03:24oh hello wally
03:26hello funky
03:27hello wally
03:28how do you compo
03:29hello wally
03:30hello claggy
03:32give two tea sydney please
03:37i wonder if there's a bit of something i could jump to it
03:39i know how they feel
03:43what is she like apart from being miserable and scrubbing steps
03:46she's had some bad news
03:48bad news
03:48eh well i'll say this much wally she's got the face for it
03:53if there's anything we can do
03:56no
03:56oh don't hesitate to ask
04:00because he'll volunteer claggy and me faster than you can say
04:04that won't do
04:05i know how fast you can say certain words we don't want any of that in here
04:09oh we're only going to say jock robinson
04:11no
04:12jack ribbonson
04:13no
04:14derrick gibbertson
04:15oh
04:15oh
04:16i thought i'd bring you out for an hour
04:18you know have a walk around town and take her out of itself
04:21i wonder if this is how she fancies
04:23that's me
04:26she used to fancy counting on her fingers when newlyweds were having a baby
04:29well there must be something that an ex-military man with a first aid certificate can do
04:33you'd better leave her to get on with her depression
04:37don't forget that the women around here have been training for it all their lives
04:42pessimism is a female yorkshire art form
04:45when you look at the men you can see why
04:50that's right but they're in a good mood for the rest of the day
04:53still willing there's always a slump in my domestic harmony after you three have been in
04:57i won't have you insulting my missus in here unless you can do it very quietly
05:02you know if it weren't for the urges of the flesh
05:06i think i could forget about women altogether
05:09here the types you've been out with take some forgetting
05:13oh come i remember that when he once brought to that barbecue and dance we had for the new
05:17playing field oh dear what's wrong with you oh come on now she was very striking she didn't
05:22strike me well you were too quick for her oh she came from a good home for unmarried mothers
05:30is he still morning because she got a bit merry merry
05:35merry it's the first time i've seen a vicar scream immortal terror
05:40last i heard she were in blackpool well if she goes through their hot dogs as fast as she went
05:44through ours we're in for a short season we went to blackpool once for the day when mrs clegg was
05:52alive funny that she was usually more level-headed how old do you think a bloke has to be before
06:00the
06:00urges in the flesh
06:01well speaking personally and in my own case i was nearly 37
06:18oh
06:28i better uh one sultry afternoon down the betting shop
06:32oh a marriage of true minds you can just see it can't you sit in there holding hands under the
06:37no
06:37spitting notice
06:41i think what she needs is another woman
06:48shocker gee did you see that i bet that's the first time he's touched her for years except in
06:54self-defense because i think the least we can do is to offer the woman our services ah stay still
07:00i've been offering her mine for years time is coming now that'll cheer her off oh my doubt wally
07:05come on what is it no
07:11oh
07:12oh boy that's cheer her up with it they seem to know instinctively how to enjoy being sad i suppose
07:20it
07:20does women good to let the old emotions go once in a while we men of course have to hide
07:25them behind
07:25a stiff upper lip oh stiff upper lip that looks like an untrimmed flu brush
07:32crying out loud is nobody going to ask him why she's weeping you don't do that kind of thing
07:37i suppose it's something personal well they're usually the most interesting oh it's nothing
07:42personal you're supposed to use a little tact you know quite has she found out they've got another
07:48woman very tactful what do i want with another woman i sometimes wonder what you wanted with the
07:56first well you know how it is it happened before i got seriously interested in pigeons
08:04that's the one lately i've had a bit of bad luck with my old gray female look stop talking about
08:09nora
08:10i'm talking about the pigeon oh hey i had a very nice second this week with a young'un ah
08:17lovely oh she's
08:19gonna be a dream i get up at night sometimes just to go out and have a look at her
08:25when i see her
08:29you know i worry about her oh for god's sake is nobody gonna tell us why she's weeping
08:34it's a brother billy in australia they say he's not gonna last till christmas
08:50their billy's been dying for the last 15 years that's true i'll bet there's nobody more
08:56experienced at dying than their billy ah but this time he seems to have his heart set on it
09:08why is she rushing about like that in this heat some say it's because she's a warm-blooded
09:14creature full of restlessness and passion and some say it's because she's crackers
09:20she reckons work takes her mind off it used to send me peculiar i know that
09:28i'm surprised you can remember i've had the graft in my day oh that was it wasn't it one day
09:36he's had enough don't you oh my back went didn't it yeah straight round to the bookies with the rest
09:42of
09:42you it seems like only yesterday that you two were having this very same discussion come to think of it
09:50it was only yesterday hey tell us all at me we get on my wick hey listen what's up she's
09:57gone quiet
09:59she'll be upstairs in the bedroom brooding over their billy's wedding photograph well if you can't
10:06get a laugh from a wedding photograph you never will we'll come back later wally when she's in a
10:10happier frame of mind then stay where you are i've invited you haven't i isn't a man master in his
10:19own house you never liked our billy rather did you not when he was well but since he's been poorly
10:30i've liked him we merely came to offer our sympathy and to ask if you could sew a patch on
10:36beyond the
10:37vest come away well then i can take my shirt off in this hot weather you should read our billy's
10:43poor pathetic letter well the spelling's not improved then why don't we go around to your house
10:49and get you something nice to drink like household bleach
10:55he has great difficulty in passing water can't he move inland
11:03he's only 53 what kind of an age is 53 well as i remember it's a lot like 52
11:11it still gets taken for granted though i mean you never hear anybody saying that life begins at 53
11:17why him why our billy i should be leaving oh goodness is that the time i ought to be home
11:23before
11:23the dustbin lorry comes you know i'm always full of life he was our billy yes i always hate missing
11:30the dustbin lorry he was cited three times if ever his friends got divorced they always named our billy
11:37well it's been nice talking to you mrs batty uh let go mrs batty now all he dreams about is
11:42england
11:44he'd be happy to go he says if he could just see one last english christmas
11:51now what that's what she said one last english christmas with a grip like death on me shirt
11:58yes he'll never make it oh that's right be constructive well it stands to reason with their
12:06billy has lost interest in chasing birds then he's on the final decline it's very embarrassing
12:12having norah batty hold of your shirt she never holds mine she knows that'll come away in her hands
12:18i wouldn't mind that letting her see me all magnificent male in me vest
12:26you know like marlon brando in a streetcar named desire more like dust cart named degenerate
12:33oh i wouldn't say that you couldn't anyway he said it
12:50what's all this then are we about to witness some midsummer pagan right well it's heart i'm having
12:57a wash i never thought i'd live to see the day oh i don't do it very often we've noticed
13:04i mean you're supposed to conserve water yes well you must be the water board's least demanding customer
13:11have you got anything cold in the fridge what fridge well i understood you had a fridge
13:17i mean you were making all those boastful claims a few weeks ago about having a brand new fridge
13:21you were bragging to complete strangers down at the christian aid coffee morning about the joys of
13:27making your own brown ale flavor and ice cream so where's the fridge he came to the conclusion that
13:33true happiness is not to be found in material possessions right oh they've repossessed it right
13:41that's done they're gonna get any business from me i can tell you that
13:44by god if that threat ever leaks out it'll send share prices tumbling
13:50i think i'm losing weight these trousers are getting baggier it must be this hot weather
13:58the hot weather makes trousers baggier no you're daft butter the hot weather makes heat less so you lose
14:06weight oh so therefore you don't really need a fridge no true but i like to keep me wellies in
14:13it
14:15you know when i were having a doze on a hot afternoon god they used to be lovely by four
14:21o'clock
14:23i swellies
14:26yeah that would have baffled him down at casualty on a blazing hot afternoon if you trotted in with frostbite
14:32wait a minute
14:34yeah he's up again another idea oh dear do you think so you can always tell three stages
14:39when he goes like that two he gets an idea three he looks around for a couple of idiots like
14:44us to
14:44carry it out i've got an idea hey where do you do it leave the door on the latch when
14:51this finish
14:51foggy well the least you could do is to listen to it come back
14:56that man come back
15:13i thought we'd lost him and dewhurst never gives up i think there's a bit of labrador in him
15:19somewhere ah i was wondering about his ears
15:25well i suppose you two know you look ridiculous over there
15:29yeah it's lovely standing there on the cliff edge with a wind whistling up the valley that's
15:34the first time i've been cool all day i tracked you down from the end of the lane a few
15:41broken twigs
15:42caseful imprint of a welly that's all the trained observer needs
15:45that and the fact that we told you we were coming up here yeah we didn't say exactly where did
15:51you now what's all this brave talk about a cliff edge both standing there fearlessly on a drop of
15:58about two foot six we tried bigger drops too scary oh yeah where did you two pluck up the courage
16:04to
16:05find a bigger drop
16:20we found the bigger drop just where you jumped
16:23boggy
16:24that fools you've got to kill me we can do better than that act as shown as in good hands
16:36i am just
16:38about to give thee yorkshire's most unforgettable kiss of life
16:46over my dead body
16:54hello we're going back into town and with the aid of my cine camera we're going to make a short
16:58film
16:58as as though it's christmas so that nora's poor brother can have his last wish
17:07you're sure you wouldn't rather have the kiss of life foggy
17:11yes what in the middle of a funny leaf yes well it's a sort of deception that the camera can
17:17do
17:17superbly well in the hands of someone with the necessary technical flair i've got about as much
17:23fair as a duck in slippers how the hell do you think you're gonna kid anyone it's christmas well
17:29the chamber of commerce does it every year
17:32i don't like christmas you might like it in midsummer
17:36you see i thought it was something that we could do and speaking as a as a visual artist i
17:42find the the challenge is stimulating you'll find yourself getting locked up if you keep coming
17:47up with ideas like that that have the authentic ring of stupidity about them hey not go cable he's
17:52very good at stupidity oh for goodness sake stop making difficulties if it'll bring a bit of pleasure
17:58to a poor lonely soul in australia we ought to give it a try it's such a dozy idea i
18:05think it's a good idea
18:08well now we're all agreed it's a good idea but i should need a megaphone in a chair with my
18:14name
18:14across it oh cecil b did you first christmas some dozy bird turns up with a bit of butter and
18:25a packet of
18:25tea when all a bloke like me wants from a woman full of christian charity is a little bit of
18:33a tumble
18:33on my lonely sofa oh anyway i think what it would save her on wrapping paper
18:42wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what these guys
18:48now listen before you trust me over that wall i want you to ask yourself now what is it why
18:54is
18:54it i'm the one that's being tossed over and not me because you're the right weight
19:01oh and because if anything goes wrong you're dressed for an accident anyway
19:07i never thought of that
19:11no wait wait wait wait wait
19:14how do we know there's going to be any holly over there when i'll get over there there's always holly
19:20in an old churchyard now if you went to church more often you might notice that kind of thing
19:27you might also notice that everybody that goes to church regularly seems to finish up dead in the
19:34graveyard
19:36oh
19:38oh
19:38oh
19:38oh
19:41oh
19:42oh
20:03hey
20:06Could we have our ball back, please?
20:17Where did you get this tree?
20:19Oh, from one of the small branches of the Forestry Commission.
20:24You thieved it?
20:26Well, where are we going to buy one this time of the year?
20:28Oh, my God, they thieved it!
20:31It's only one little branch. They've got a whole damn great forest.
20:33Oh, and suppose everybody was to take just one little branch.
20:37Finish up looking like a bundle of toothpicks.
20:39Oh, sure.
20:40They're all out there, and they see, desperate for a Christmas tree.
20:44The woods are swarming with them.
20:45I will not have you thieving things.
20:49We'll have to pound note in an envelope pinned to the tree.
20:53You didn't.
20:55I did.
20:57Oh!
20:59Oh!
21:0675p would have been more than enough.
21:17It's still hot to play any more.
21:19Oh, we ought to have finished the set.
21:21Ha!
21:22It'd be suicidal.
21:23Me trying to jump and net in this weather.
21:26I'll win you in a minute.
21:27Merry Christmas.
21:36I'll bet they've got some holly.
21:38And I'll bet they've got this huge thing with great teeth and a fierce growl.
21:43And that's only the lady of the house.
21:46I'm not going in there.
21:48I'm fed up of being slung over walls.
21:51That bride's mother got quite nasty.
21:54What is it about Christmas that can stir otherwise level-headed people into suddenly drinking British sherry?
22:02People like these are used to dealing only with their own kind.
22:04So, obviously, I shall go in there while you two stay out here.
22:09Obviously.
22:10What makes you think they'll sell thee a pound worth of olly?
22:14Well, a question of good manners.
22:15It's where you approach people.
22:17It's got a place, you know, for the social graces.
22:20Ah, yes, there's a dozen little signs by which they'll recognize me as one of their own kind.
22:26Ah!
22:27And the biggest sign of all would be thee down on the knees, growly, for all it's worth.
22:34Well.
22:39They say adultery makes your knees sore.
22:43Don't say that.
22:45I remember Tommy Warburton emptying his soul of such details at that depressing corner table in the taproom of the
22:53Queen's.
22:54It was the night before they took him off to work their surgical magic on his hemorrhoids.
23:00They say it's haunted, that table.
23:03They say anybody sits at that table for an hour, gets suicidal.
23:08Well, Tommy was in a gloomy mood.
23:10Personally, I think it's that draft from the door to the gents.
23:15It was the night that he swore that he'd give up his relationship with a certain married woman.
23:20Fancy giving them up when they're certain.
23:26Later, I understand, he tried the consolations of religion.
23:30Did it do any good?
23:32Well, it was all right so far, and then he found that too much praying was making his knees sore.
23:39The human frame, it seems, is designed for moderation in all things.
23:45But the people that I feel sorry for are those medical gentlemen who, despite years of expensive training, not to
23:52mention tailoring,
23:53still have to foregather on lovely summer mornings around the hindquarters of people like Tommy Warburton.
24:00Charming as he may be, from almost any other direction.
24:04Will it have any berries on it at this time of the evening?
24:09There you go.
24:10He's got a sprig or two.
24:14What's this?
24:16We told him to get some molly.
24:18Not a bit of bike cleaners.
24:20Why did you get a pounds with, like we said?
24:23This is a pounds with.
24:26She took that quid, the old lot.
24:29Hey, up!
24:30Now what do you live in a big house?
24:33Oh, great big dollop.
24:35Why don't you belt a one and pick some more?
24:37That is not a gentleman's way.
24:44You've got to admit, compo, there's something almost breathtaking about that haughty contempt for the economic facts of life.
24:54You'd think he'd be nationalised.
24:57Compo?
24:58Compo?
24:59Compo?
25:04He wouldn't, would he?
25:05Not in broad daylight.
25:07You shouldn't have let him out of your sight.
25:08No, well, he's probably, he's probably walked round the corner.
25:11He's probably gone home.
25:12Yeah, that's what he'd have done, I'll bet.
25:14Yeah.
25:14Yeah, well, he, I mean, he wouldn't be stealing holly in people's gardens, not in broad daylight, would he?
25:21Even he wouldn't, would he?
25:30Good grief.
25:51No, no, no, no.
25:53No, look, try holding these.
25:56Right, now, see, I want you to smile, a nice big smile, a nice big smile as if you've just
26:03had a lovely big Christmas dip.
26:05See, you're a fleet, relaxed, content.
26:09Hey, how much longer?
26:10I'm boiling.
26:12Shut up and do it for our belly.
26:14If you're told to smile, smile.
26:21No, no, no, no, no, look, I want a smile, a nice big after-dinner smile, not a spasm of
26:27indigestion.
26:29No, now, let's, let's try, let's try a nice big smile, shall we?
26:36Now, come along, a big smile.
26:40Big Christmas smile, that man.
26:45My ferret smiles more than Wally.
26:48Mark, you, it's got something to smile about.
26:51I use it for breeding.
26:53Action.
26:55Now, Wally, Wally, I want you to reach out and take one, slowly savouring every moment.
27:03Oh, they've got all melting.
27:11It's like dipping your fingers in chutney.
27:15Oh, don't wipe it off your clean, now, can you?
27:19Now, leave them alone, woman, it's Christmas.
27:22No, it's not Christmas.
27:25I think we need a change of location, a completely different scene.
27:29Ah, wits and tie.
27:30Yes, I think I've, I think I've got all the atmosphere that it's possible to get here.
27:35Oh, gosh.
27:38Fairly atmospheric.
27:40Oh, I hope you haven't nipped your career in the bud.
27:46Cecil B.
27:47Oh, yes, Cecil B.
27:49Oh, yes, Cecil B.
27:59Uh, we'd like to have something very light, um, perhaps with a bit of salad.
28:05You'll have turkey and plum pudding, you'll like it.
28:10Two turkey and plum pudding, please.
28:16Look there, man, come closer.
28:21Look what you're wearing.
28:42Are you wearing your winter hose or your summer hose?
28:46Look, get on with it.
28:48Look, I want you to keep that space for me, because I'm setting a ten-second delay, right?
29:00Right, well.
29:03Here we go.
29:05Right, action.
29:07Snow.
29:09Snow.
29:19What's he seeing?
29:21I don't know.
29:22But it doesn't sound like a Merry Christmas.
29:25Snow.
29:26Windows.
29:28Down.
29:28What a terrible state, them sash cords.
29:31How many times have I told you?
29:34Where can you find anybody these days, the men's sash cords?
29:38That's right enough.
29:40There isn't any craftsmen left.
29:42And if there was, you wouldn't be able to afford them.
29:45Would you mind postponing this discussion on the state of the industry
29:48until you got me out of this window?
29:53Is the back crushed?
29:55It's morbid idiots like you that Gorpadea crashes.
29:59Can you wrinkle your toes?
30:01Do you have to pass a test before they'll let you out of this window?
30:06If you can't wrinkle your toes, it means your spinal column is probably all right.
30:09It's all right.
30:10I'm not injured.
30:11It's just that it's getting a bit boring being here.
30:15If somebody can get a ladder and push the window up from the outside
30:17while I push it from the inside.
30:20What we want is a ladder.
30:22So that someone can push it up from the outside
30:25while Sid pushes it up from the inside.
30:28I don't know how you think of these skills.
30:35He looks about them sash cords.
30:37I've told him a thousand times.
30:41We wanted to...
30:41We just have to ask you ladies to move.
30:44And you don't want to be crushed by a falling ladder.
30:47No, you don't.
30:49Now you be careful if you're going up that ladder.
30:52I'm not going up any ladder.
30:58Let's take it back here where the pavement's more smoother.
31:02Come on, to me.
31:04Right, right, right.
31:06It's no good here.
31:08Take it back.
31:09Take it back.
31:10Well, lift it.
31:13What are you playing?
31:15The best of three?
31:16Come out of it.
31:17Come out of it.
31:18What are you trying to do?
31:19Kill him?
31:20All right, don't worry.
31:21You'll be all right now.
31:22Oh, that's so bad.
31:25Oh, God.
31:39Right now, I want to volunteer.
31:41Good man, I'm right on you.
31:43Wait a minute.
31:44Yeah, we are.
31:45I'm a volunteer.
31:47Listen, I'm a volunteer for anything.
31:50What are you talking about?
31:51I'm a volunteer.
31:53Who volunteered?
31:54Well, I've got all these jobs.
32:00Oh, isn't it done in this crisis?
32:04Oh, don't look.
32:05I'm trying not to.
32:07But it draws you like something mysterious in India.
32:11It's just this unusual angle.
32:15Have I got it?
32:16Well, it's not for either of us to pass an opinion on.
32:19Never mind fiddling with your rear number plate.
32:22You'll need both hands for this window.
32:25What about show it in rear?
32:26Oh, forget about that other little window on the world.
32:30It's a question of priorities.
32:32Cutting down that man slowly or turn to face your front.
32:36Stop interfering, Foggy, and who knows,
32:39one day he may expose himself for England.
32:42Let's keep holding that ladder.
32:53Push.
32:54Push.
32:54I am pushy.
33:00Telegram, we're from Australia.
33:04What's about your billy?
33:08It's a lot better.
33:11He's run off with his nurse.
33:20Well, help me in.
33:22I can't go down hanging out my trousers.
33:33It's our billy.
33:35It's our billy.
33:36It's our billy.
33:36It's our billy.
33:37It's up and about again.
33:38Oh, great.
33:39A merry Christmas to your billy.
33:42Are you sure it was a Colorado beetle?
33:46Ah, listen, frog pace.
33:48I've seen enough police notice force to know what the Colorado beetle looks like.
33:52Then we must find it.
33:54Well, rather than risk life and limb up there, Foggy, why don't we just wait for it to come down?
33:59No.
34:00No.
34:00We must find it.
34:03No, they go through vegetation like socialism goes through other people's money.
34:08Hey, what do you know about the wonders of nature?
34:12He was the only one in our school who failed dirty jokes.
34:17Hey, this a buggy?
34:18If they don't come down, can I have the Hitler Youth dagger with the spot of blood still on the
34:24blade?
34:25These pests are very destructive.
34:29Aha!
34:30The little red devils.
34:33Red?
34:35Colorado beetles are black and yellow.
34:37Oh, the one I saw were red with little black spots.
34:44Let's go and get a bit of sausage for me tea, eh?
34:47Aye.
34:50Oh, come on.
34:51Come on.
34:54Give us a hand.
34:55Oh, what's wrong with you?
34:57Oh, God.
34:58Oh, God.
34:59Oh, God.
35:01Give us a hand.
35:02Come on.
35:03Give us a hand.
35:04Oh, God.
35:17Aw.
35:18Oh, God.
35:20Oh, God.
35:24Oh, God.
35:26Oh, God.
35:34Thank you very much.