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00:00.
00:06Wait a minute, Hank.
00:08He's taken his way near as much as your mother's arse, Siobhan.
00:12Pontius, what have I told you about that sort of language in front of Flann?
00:15He's a big boy, Siobhan, aren't you, son?
00:18Is this actually how people just look back at him?
00:20Well, part of Cal's new job is the recreation history,
00:24but I think he's playing this a little fast and loose, eh?
00:26God, it's incredible. No phones, no distractions,
00:30people just really living in the moment.
00:33Let me just play here.
00:34Ooh, we're all eating!
00:35We're all eating!
00:45Well done, Calum.
00:47So good.
00:47Well done, hey.
00:51Go on, Calum.
00:52I've really got to say, you are, like, really good
00:54playing a scum with the peasant farmer.
00:56I think you mean salt of the earth, Gemma, but thank you so much.
01:00I'll tell you, after all that bad stuff that happened last year...
01:03You smoking a drug from your bum?
01:07It just made me realise that life is about the simple stuff.
01:10And what could be more simple than being a silly little Irish peasant farmer
01:13in the mid-19th century who solely relies on potato as his only crop?
01:17Well, look, we've all experimented with drugs.
01:20I used to have petrol.
01:22Chewy vitamins.
01:23Yeah, and I actually smoked a fair amount of DMT back in the day.
01:26The important thing is, much like Davina McCall,
01:28you drop the skag and you bounce back.
01:31Good boy, good boy.
01:32Get enough milk there now.
01:34Good, good.
01:35Have I bloody ever.
01:38You're on the up, and you're never coming down high.
01:46Bloody amateurs.
02:12I wish I lived back in the 19th century.
02:14Waste outshot?
02:15Is everyone these days is obsessed with having a big glass?
02:17Pretty fat baddie.
02:18Back then, having a flat bum like me was totally normal and cool.
02:21You've got plenty of meat in that wagon, hey?
02:23I'm as flat as a day-old fizzy orange.
02:24Born in the wrong era, much?
02:26Oh, guys, the new museum director.
02:28A real stickler for accuracy.
02:30People say he hasn't even left the folk park since he got here.
02:33Sleeps in a tannery under a cowhide.
02:36That's what I call bloody commitment.
02:40The humble Irish lumper.
02:43Known for its ability to thrive in harsh conditions.
02:47Much like the people of this great land.
02:49Fighters.
02:51Survivors.
02:52But most of all...
02:56Poor bloody blighters.
03:00Blight is upon us.
03:03Oh, it's a tower away.
03:04Yeah, I don't want to live in old times anymore.
03:06That does not look like fun.
03:09The famine wasn't fun, Sean.
03:11What the hell's a famine?
03:12When all the potatoes in Ireland turned to rot?
03:14Jordan.
03:16One million people starved to death.
03:18Shit.
03:19A million?
03:20That...
03:21That's a law.
03:22That's why their bums were so flat.
03:24They were hungry.
03:25Had their arses starved by a blatant England, hey?
03:29Maybe now your wee flat arse doesn't seem like such a big deal, eh?
03:31Yeah.
03:34Me and my selfish flat arse.
03:38Light is upon us, plump lad.
03:41Oh.
03:41Oh.
04:00What's wrong with him?
04:02Well, you know the million people who died during the Irish potato famine?
04:06Yeah.
04:06Yeah, he just found out.
04:08Oh dear.
04:10Yeah, it's hitting him hard.
04:13His empathy must have come through.
04:14His empathy?
04:15Yeah.
04:16You know, most people develop empathy around the age six to nine, but Jordan was always uniquely
04:21selfish.
04:22His empathy balls never really dropped.
04:24And my scale of human suffering in the potato famine must have finally done the trick.
04:28Yeah, if we could, I guess.
04:35Hey, Cal.
04:37Yeah, bud.
04:40Why are there poor people in the world when I have so much stuff?
04:44That's a good question, Jamon.
04:46I think it's better to forget about those big old questions than just enjoy the little things.
04:51Goodnight.
04:54The lady at the gift shop said that little boys didn't have sweeties back then.
04:57And they had to fill their bellies with gravel.
04:59Well, maybe you could take a leaf out of their book and stop eating so many sweeties yourself,
05:02Mr. Sweetie Monster.
05:04Right.
05:05Goodnight.
05:05Goodnight.
05:09And she said some children were so hungry they turned to cannibalism and had thrown freshly
05:13starved to death parents.
05:15Hey, look, no one needs to be hearing that this late at night, Jordan.
05:17It was bad.
05:18I'm aware of that.
05:25Night, Cal.
05:26Nice.
05:32Oh, my God.
05:35Nice or purr cells.
05:39Oh, come on, Flann.
05:40Keep your eye on the ball, son.
05:42Oh, well done, Flann.
05:44Oh, that was a good catch, son.
05:46Men and their sports, am I right, girls?
05:48Some things never change.
05:52Salutations.
05:56Pontius O'Hara.
05:57You must be our new land steward, is that right?
06:00Marquess Harrington.
06:01Come along now, Flann.
06:03Leave the men to their business.
06:04No place for women or buffers.
06:06My dear.
06:07Don't let me interrupt this family gathering.
06:09Play is important for a young lad.
06:12What is it they say?
06:14All work and no play makes Flann a dull boy.
06:21Pontius, what would all play and no work make for?
06:24Oh, sire, I...
06:25An angry lad, Stuart.
06:26That's why.
06:30I apologize.
06:31The crops have been a bit light due to the potato blight.
06:34I believe the learned men are calling it the Pythophthora infant stestans.
06:38I don't want a science lesson, you slack-faced lickers!
06:41I'm here to collect the rent!
06:43And you better have it soon, or may God have mercy on your poor, feckless little effin' soul.
06:51Because I certainly won't.
06:59Two minutes, Mildred.
07:06Uh, Philip, can I have a wee word?
07:08Hey, come on, mate. How are you doing?
07:10Good, good.
07:11Um, yeah, I just wanted to let you know this job has been great for me.
07:16Good, honest work, beautiful family.
07:18It's just great for the old noggin blues, you know?
07:21Aye.
07:22I do think you might have just went a wee bit too far back there.
07:26Just a wee bit.
07:28Too far?
07:30Yeah.
07:31I know I'm sounding crazy right now, but it almost begins to feel like a real peasant-landlord dynamic.
07:37I don't think that sounds crazy at all.
07:41Callum, let me tell you a story.
07:43Do you know what a background artist is?
07:45Yeah, like an extra.
07:47A background artist.
07:48Well, I was a B.A. on a little film called The Passion of the Christ.
07:52I was working the arm drum circuit in Ballymacnoose when Mel's casting director's assistant's brother
07:58sung in on an all-adult production of Lord of the Flies.
08:01It didn't work so well without the child actors, but it was enough for me to get my foot in
08:05the door.
08:06Next thing I know, I'm in the Basilicata region of southern Italy, watching Jesus Christ himself carry the cross to
08:11Golgotha.
08:12Oh, my God.
08:14Oh, no, no, no, no.
08:15The son of God.
08:16And here's the kicker.
08:18Out of all the hundreds of background artists, Mel selected me, part of the cloud, like the Red Sea.
08:25He handed me a rock, and he said, I want you to throw this at Jesus' head.
08:30I said, well, Mel, yeah, but I won't actually because it's quite heavy.
08:34It'll hurt John Caviezel.
08:38And he told me I'll never forget this.
08:40He said, you think the rock's gonna hurt him?
08:43Wait till you see what I got in store for him at the top of that hill.
08:50Actors bleed for their craft.
08:52Well, no, I know that.
08:53It's just when you slap me and you choke me, it almost...
08:55It almost seems real.
08:56Like I really am a 19th century land steward, and you really are a rural farmer under my stewardship, huh?
09:05You see, you've got it.
09:06It's in you.
09:07I knew when I interviewed you, you were gonna make a phenomenal peasant.
09:11You really think so?
09:16Get out of here.
09:31Are you sure you want to be doing this, Sham?
09:33I don't know how much benefit the children in Namibia are going to get from...
09:36Laughter is the best medicine.
09:40The children of Namibia will be chucking their asses to good health.
09:43Trust me.
09:45Hey, hey, Jordan.
09:46I just want to say, on behalf of all of England, I am so sorry that we didn't do more
09:53to help during the Irish potato famine.
09:55Oh, bless you.
09:56I just didn't realise we were such little fuckers, I swear.
10:01Please forgive us.
10:03I forgive.
10:05But I don't forget.
10:07My heart holds the pain of my people.
10:08And it makes me really, really sad.
10:11I'm gonna fix this, Jordan.
10:13Even if it means going back in time with, like, 50 billion spuds in my bag.
10:17I'll fix it.
10:18Bless you.
10:20Run, my child.
10:25Now, Gemma, you know, fine rightly, that's an unrealistic proposition.
10:28I've got a bad feeling about this.
10:30I don't know how much of the sympathy stuff suits the likes of Jordan.
10:33He's no Bob Yeldorf.
10:35I hear you, Loki, but me and England, we have a lot to answer for.
10:38And if I can help just one generational famine sufferer like Jordan, then...
10:43Maybe it'll make all the difference.
10:51Okay.
10:52Bless you.
10:55Bless you, my child.
11:08I'm proud to use you working very hard.
11:10Would you not like to play the boron and sing a song for Flann and our visitors?
11:14Work one's arse to the bone and expect her to play a poxy tune.
11:18Leave me to the toil, Siobhan, will you?
11:22Your fealty has not gone unnoticed.
11:30Oh, Christ, thank you, sir. Thank you.
11:35I wanted you to clean it, not eat it, you clod.
11:40Don't let the child see as far like a Siobhan. Don't let him.
11:46What age are you, son?
11:48Oh, he's nine, sir. A sharp mind.
11:51Mrs Farrington says he may well have a future in academia.
11:55Mrs Farrington is a pair of whore's dickers.
12:00It's a good ripe age.
12:02To the workhouse, lad!
12:13He'll do well in the workhouse, lovey. He's a strong lad. He'll do well.
12:17Father, no! Help me!
12:25Where are you, Lord?
12:27Because you're not here.
12:37Sometimes, a good whack to the face can really centre a performance.
12:42Funny. I know he's not a real boy, but...
12:46He makes me feel like a real dad.
12:49No.
12:50I never had a daddy.
12:53I want to give him the life I never had.
12:55Master Flanders in safe hands.
13:00You're such a good peasant.
13:02You know, you're the best peasant I've ever had.
13:07Thank you, Philip.
13:08You're a kind master.
13:10I think you're good at playing a master.
13:11If only would scratch the surface.
13:13Let's push it further, lad.
13:17Say it, lad.
13:20Yes, master.
13:41The ad was a complete mistake. He put it in there.
13:44The ad said someone who needs a life fucking need it.
13:47What's going on?
13:47Oh, I helped Jordan sell his dad's car on the Bally Manusia Bulletin.
13:50I thought it was for a good cause.
13:52Daddy, did you hear what she said?
13:53She needs the car.
13:54I do need the car.
13:55I need the car.
13:56I never thought I'd say this, but I think Jordan's become a little too selfless.
14:01His self is like completely gone.
14:03He's become the Joe Dalai Lama.
14:06This is historical reparations for your car family.
14:08If we don't learn from our past, we'll never drive towards a better future.
14:13My Uncle Tony used to suck his balls inside his self as a Christmas party trick
14:17when we were children.
14:19Maybe empathy balls work under the same sort of general principles.
14:23What was the principle behind your Uncle sucking his balls in?
14:27To be the center of attention, hey.
14:29Everyone and their goose wanted a glimpse of Tony's famous Flappin' Sec.
14:33So if we can get Jordan to become the center of attention?
14:36His empathy balls might retract to which they came.
14:38And you are a dote.
14:40Jordan, what are you doing?
14:41That's lovely, I'll take that absolutely.
14:42Daddy, she has children.
14:44I know she has children.
14:46Historical fact got him into this mess.
14:49Maybe historical fact will get him out of it.
14:51I'm sorry, Locum, what did your Uncle Tony do in front of children?
14:59Ah, a day's a day, a day's a Monday, a day's a duty.
15:16A workhouse accident.
15:20Plum was quite a brave lad.
15:24He squoze under the mangle to fetch a piece of linen.
15:28He got his totty legs caught in the gears.
15:32His final words were,
15:36Oh, me legs.
15:39Me legs.
15:41Just how he was in life.
15:44Always smiling.
15:46Sleep, my child.
15:51My beautiful blue eyes, boy.
15:54Your lovely wee legs bent in all directions.
15:57North, east, south, west.
16:01But the blame points only to one.
16:05Crushed by a machine, indeed.
16:07The machine of greed.
16:09The machine of England.
16:11The machine of Marquess Island.
16:14I will tell you what, sir.
16:16His father will not go down so easily.
16:19You lay me limp-cock.
16:21Shag back!
16:27Grief can turn even the best men sour.
16:32First the blight.
16:33Now your only child, crumpled by the gears of an industrial grey linen mangle.
16:41Your family has literally gone through the mill.
16:46Without Master Flann's workhouse earnings, I know that rent will be hard to come by, but I believe I have
16:53a new role that you will both find most agreeable.
16:57A new job, Brantius.
17:02I am a good master, are we not?
17:08Yes, master.
17:21I have to protest blame myself for McMullen's boot back at six, so this better not take long.
17:25It's just a new exhibit.
17:26But I have a feeling you're going to like it.
17:30Come on.
17:32Fever! Woo!
17:34Tough crowd.
17:36We have two very, very flat fellas here today.
17:40Come on, boys. Turn around. Show them. Show them.
17:42Look at that.
17:43Oh, God. Oh, wow.
17:45Jordan, it looks like they really loved flat bombs back in the olden days.
17:50You would have been the centre of attention with that shoes, Grater, that's for sure.
17:53You're welcome.
17:54So, if there be any last-minute impromptu volunteers from the crowd, anyone with a flat hole...
18:03Did this actually used to happen, Gemma?
18:05Well, it's in a folk museum, so it kind of has to have happened, right?
18:09Anybody at all.
18:12Anybody at all.
18:13Jordan, you know it's really important that we learn from the past.
18:16How about you get up there and put yourself in their shoes, what do you say?
18:20Put myself in the shoes of a fella with a flat bum.
18:23Come on, that's the first spot I've ever seen. In my whole life, that's why.
18:27Go on.
18:29Get up there.
18:31Anybody?
18:32Get up there.
18:34Jordan, can I have any more?
18:36A gong farmer.
18:39What's gong?
18:42Piss and shit.
18:44Piss and shit farmer.
18:47Who wants to give this young fella a job to do?
18:50Me, please.
18:51I'd love to help out.
18:57I think I would love to just go back to the farmer stuff.
19:04Some roles are more important than others.
19:06Some play Marcus Harrington.
19:08Some play Jesus Christ.
19:09Your role is to clean shit.
19:12That's the role you've always been destined for.
19:15You're a little shit monger.
19:18Do it with authenticity.
19:21Do it with grace.
19:22And you will literally be making history.
19:25Good lad.
19:29It's only a tiny piece anyway.
19:45I'm up here in heaven now, daddy.
19:48I hope my sacrifice got the nasty Marquis off your back.
20:03What the fuck?
20:06What do you have in your hand?
20:07It's a wee round shite.
20:09I do little round shites.
20:11Here, this is what you wanted.
20:13I'm only doing what you asked, Philip.
20:14I'm a wee gong farmer.
20:16I'm a wee gong farmer.
20:17Francis, we can work something out.
20:18I can't say. Here, Philip, Philip, Philip.
20:19Here, folks, would you like to see me wash my entire fucking body with?
20:22Here, would you like to leave me?
20:24Hey, Gallop, this is not museum park protocol.
20:26Philip, I don't know what to tell you.
20:27I have lost a run of myself.
20:28Hey!
20:29Don't throw my own shite at me.
20:31Anyone want to help me work it out?
20:32Hey, hey, hey.
20:32Callum, it's Philip talking.
20:34On hand the feces.
20:38On hand the feces.
20:42Oh, oh my God.
20:46You got shit on my eye.
20:50It's in my eyebrow.
20:52I'm very sorry about that, Philip.
20:54Very sorry.
20:56Do you think that's funny?
20:56Yeah.
20:56I'll tell you what's funny.
20:58When, er, Fran.
20:59Fran.
21:00Lost his, was caught in the gears.
21:02And his legs were mashed up and his knees were popping like grapes.
21:08Well, you know the thing about that, Philip?
21:11Angels don't need these.
21:19They got wings, baby.
21:20They got wings, baby.
21:26They got wings, baby.
21:29How do they land?
21:31are you jogging away all happy
21:33because you can't answer the question
21:35hold as an angel
21:36without legs land
21:52an arse so flat
21:54you could use it to straighten shelves
21:57ladies and gentlemen
21:58we have a winner
22:02let's have a problem
22:03you children
22:28my flat ass trophy
22:30it's funny you know
22:31it almost makes it more meaningful
22:32that's the only thing I've got
22:35well we could chat to the charity shops
22:36and see if we could get any of your stuff back too
22:39well yeah obviously
22:40I don't want to be a poor person anymore
22:44hey I'm
22:45I'm really sorry about
22:46your job Kelly
22:47ugh it's alright
22:48I think a job like that should be left where it belongs
22:51history
22:54that is gorgeous
22:55guys
22:56can I just quickly say
22:58I am
22:58I'm honestly just so relieved
23:00that that is like
23:01the only bad thing that happened
23:03between England and Ireland
23:04I just
23:05I wouldn't be able to live with myself
23:07I'd feel so incredibly guilty
23:08if there was like
23:09literally anything else
23:15I think that's enough history for one day
23:17huh
23:21what are you talking about
23:22no
23:23oh Jordan
23:24don't worry about it
23:26people always ask me
23:27Jordan
23:28what's it like having two daddies
23:30I ask them
23:31what's it like having two eyes
23:34or two hands
23:35or two warm glasses of milk before bed
23:39sometimes the best things come in person
23:40that's really well said
23:41Jordan
23:42thanks for working on that over the weekend
23:43another example is boobs
23:45to my daddies
23:47let's cut that cake
23:50I wish I had something like that
23:52a nice simple interracial homosexual relationship
23:55you can't bear it
23:56well
23:56I think he's probably refined to the deep sense of
23:58love and commitment
24:00I think the
24:02billion years of animal procreation
24:04that led to the brown bloodline
24:05comes to a sad end
24:07here
24:08I'll die a virgin
24:09I guess I'll
24:10chop him off
24:11what am I going to blend there
24:13and drink it up
24:13huh
24:18is everything you're right Kevin?
24:20it's happened
24:23oh god who the heck she?
24:25the one
24:28match I have on the date now
24:31hello boy
24:33he shoots
24:34he scores
24:36I gotta do something about this
24:39you look good
24:40she's
24:40she's wiped on you in that condition
24:42you must be just her type
25:08she has a face like a young Linda Nolan
25:10hey
25:11yeah and can I just say
25:12from a female perspective
25:13she's got a really lovely gett
25:15guys is this looking any closer to husband material or what?
25:18Callie
25:19you've just got to be yourself
25:20you'll be fine
25:21no no Gemma
25:21being myself is not going to work this time
25:23it's too sad
25:24I need to become someone else
25:25I need to become someone entirely different
25:27someone whose genes would want your eggs
25:28you know what I mean
25:29maybe try perm?
25:31aye
25:43got a delivery here for a certain blend
25:47just a beautiful batch of flowers to match your beautiful face
25:49I don't know
25:51no thanks
25:52what's it gonna take for a guy to get a beer over here in this goddamn place?
25:55beer for him and his lady
25:56I wanna provide
26:02you look different from your profile
26:05very smiley
26:06well you know what they say
26:07it takes a certain angel to put a smile on a man's face
26:12I'm actually gonna have to go
26:15because of that
26:17because of what you said
26:23God fuck
26:25I only did this to impress you
26:28that's why I did my hair like a fucking broccoli
26:30fucking shit
26:32well done Callie
26:33you've got a lead
26:36why are you crying?
26:38I am crying because I am sad
26:40and I am lonely
26:41and I sleep on the floor
26:43next to my best friend's bed
26:50you poor baby
27:02come on
27:03come on
27:05come on
27:06come on
27:07what's going on here?
27:08nothing
27:09there's nothing
27:10there's a chicken in my room
27:11and you're holding a tiny suit
27:12it's hardly nothing
27:14what's this?
27:15I've been dressing animals for my scrapbook set
27:17it's no big deal
27:18Lorkey honestly
27:18I don't know
27:19I just
27:19Georgina looks so cute
27:20with her little red hat
27:21and then
27:21you know
27:22and then I put these little socks
27:23in her field mouse
27:24and I don't know
27:25just from that point I was hurt
27:26I think I've found my calling
27:27styling animals
27:29I've never been happier
27:31I'm just having the time
27:31of my fucking life
27:33I'm so happy
27:34you don't suit
27:35and boot
27:36a chicken jammer
27:37it's against God's natural order
27:39oh
27:39come on Lor
27:41what's the harm?
27:42you've caused more harm than you know
27:44there's something I need to show you
27:47he is just forever tugging
27:48with no regard to where he throws those stain pants
27:51he could throw them down the side of the bed
27:54that I don't sleep on
27:54but he doesn't
27:55he just doesn't
27:57I'm sorry
27:58that is a bit of an overshare
27:59no no no
28:00don't stop
28:02I'm here to get to know you
28:04aren't I?
28:06last year
28:07I was milked by a girl
28:08on a swan paddler
28:10and then she dumped me
28:12and got with my other best friend
28:14and that right there
28:15is my entire romantic history
28:19oh
28:21oh you sadly bastard
28:26what do you mean by that?
28:27I'm just a sad fucker
28:31I'll come back
28:37when I was four
28:38my dad dangled me out of a two story skylight
28:40because he wanted to be like Michael Jackson
28:42so now I piss myself every time I look out a friggin window
28:47you want to meet Gronia?
28:48who's Gronia?
28:49oh she's a very dirty girl
28:51oh I like her shine a lot
28:53I'd love to meet this Gronia
28:55yeah
28:55you'd be a very lucky boy
28:57and everyone gets to meet my filthy sensual lover
29:01oh my god
29:02I have not role played like this
29:04since Final Fantasy X2
29:06what makes this Gronia so dirty?
29:08he does some bunch of chickens
29:09at my pork chicken factory
29:11oh
29:11smells like innards
29:12oh my god
29:13I'd love to get a sniff of her innards
29:15oh yeah?
29:15oh hi darling
29:20this is my partner Gronia
29:22sorry son
29:23I would have made myself look half presentable
29:25oh you're alright
29:27and how you doing today?
29:32Gronia's wee dog died last week
29:34isn't that sad?
29:36oh
29:37I don't want to ruin the mood darling
29:39no
29:41well
29:41it was rattled wee dog cancer
29:43but it was actually a freak accident
29:45that got him in the end
29:47to be honest
29:48saved the purring years of suffering
29:50only time I've been thankful for a car bowman
29:54had his arse blown backwards
29:55yeah
30:00oh
30:03he just doesn't come home for his breakfast
30:06oh frig me boy
30:09that is wee arse blown backwards
30:12Rocky where are you taking me?
30:14I need a poodle
30:19this is the Molly McNeice paranormal headquarters
30:27what's this?
30:28Frank
30:28she's a bloody unknown
30:30Frank
30:30she's with me
30:31she's a bloody unknown
30:32hey calm your tits Swan Lake
30:34she's with me
30:35she's a witness to the latest three piece
30:37Franklin
30:39within touching distance
30:42she's involved
30:44whether she can hack it or not
30:46why does your dad have my chicken suit?
30:48don't say a word
30:49just watch
30:50okay
30:51you're never going to believe
30:52why I'm on this mountain
30:54and come to think of it
30:54I find it hard to believe myself
30:56let's meet the man
30:57who claims to have met the fairies
30:59that man is PJ O'Hare
31:01a Carlingford publican
31:02who has in his possession
31:03the clothes of a leprechaun
31:05that's the little hat now
31:07and uh
31:09the jacket
31:09and if we try to hold them together
31:12loving room for his head
31:14and then his
31:17I don't know how he kept his trousers up
31:19but he didn't leave his shoes
31:22the story has happened
31:24in other parts of Ireland
31:25where a leprechaun
31:26can throw off his toes
31:27and if you ever saw the film
31:29The Incredible Hulk
31:30he can expand himself into a figure
31:33now as big possibly as a sheep
31:35or a ram standing on his hand legs
31:36or a greyhound standing on his hand legs
31:39also meant to tell you
31:40that there were coins with
31:42with the suit
31:42Jesus
31:43no matter how many times I see that
31:44I can never get used to it
31:46it's fucking chilling
31:48we haven't had a chance now
31:49to have had a complete
31:50uh
31:51no coins
31:53over the last month
31:55I have been amassing
31:56collection of
31:58tiny clothing
31:58it is my regretful contention
32:01that Buggins' farm is
32:02under an invasion
32:03from a
32:04leprechaun
32:05masquerading as various
32:07Buggins' farm fauna
32:09huh
32:10huh
32:10no
32:15you seriously need to cut this out
32:17come on Morky
32:17I'm like
32:18this close to completing myself
32:19I literally
32:19I just need
32:20a sheep in a box
32:21a goose in a caftan
32:22and a um
32:23oh and a guile and slacks
32:25and then I'm done
32:25and then I'm out
32:26again forever
32:26Gemma
32:27Gemma
32:28this is not funny
32:29my dad's losing the blood
32:31you cut this out
32:32or I'll tell him
32:34that you've been
32:34fighting with the animals
32:35I'll stop
32:35I think you brought my Buggie
32:37I'm sorry
32:39I love you
32:50look I just don't think
32:51this is for me
32:52Gwen
32:54I'm sorry
32:54well you knew I was
32:55in an open relationship
32:56you see I thought that man
32:58you were just open and honest
32:59like you're an honest person
33:02look
33:04Callum
33:05I haven't felt this way
33:07about anyone
33:08since
33:09the first time I saw
33:10Grania
33:11standing outside a takeaway
33:12dressed as a chick
33:13about to throw herself
33:14in front of a bus
33:15yeah she seems to have
33:16lived a very hard life
33:17hasn't she
33:17yeah but you have too
33:19I mean
33:20you two are
33:22very special people
33:24to me
33:28truth is
33:28you are the first match
33:29I've had on a bloody app
33:32you mustn't have been on it
33:33that long
33:35I was one of the original
33:36Kickstarter supporters
33:37nine years ago
33:39I tested the beta
33:40oh come here
33:44oh my god
33:45give me tears
33:49we all
33:51have our quirks
33:52if you stick with me
33:54I'll ride your balls
33:54clean off you
33:59give me your
34:00salty tears
34:09Gwen is fantastic man
34:10she really embraced me
34:11you know
34:12I think I love her
34:13so get ready to witness
34:14the most perfect
34:15yet imaginable
34:17oh is that her mum
34:21oh my god Callum
34:22she's kissing her mummy
34:22look here's the one
34:23prickle on the pickle
34:24Gwen is in an open
34:25relationship with a woman
34:26called Grania
34:27a 50 year old
34:27who disembowels chickens
34:28okay
34:29Gwen is attracted to
34:30sad fuckers
34:30and wants a three-way
34:31relationship with me
34:32and Big G
34:32look at me
34:33look at me
34:34I'm scared
34:35I need you to be
34:35a strong boy
34:36okay
34:36and I need you
34:37to distract Grania
34:38so I can get some
34:39alone time with Gwen
34:40okay look
34:40let's play a girl
34:44hi
34:45I'm Gwen
34:46this is Grania
34:46alright folks
34:48bye
34:49sorry
34:50I just remember
34:51my dog died
34:52so
34:53I'm not gonna be
34:54much fun today
34:57oh fuck
34:59just one look
35:00come here
35:00oh no here
35:01let's
35:02make the most
35:03of the day
35:03before it gets
35:04bloody dark
35:08it's a nice shirt
35:24hello
35:26god
35:27your farm as well
35:30no no no
35:31there's no natural
35:32way for a quail to
35:32put on slacks
35:33it's them
35:34alright
35:35no look
35:36this is much bigger
35:37than I thought
35:38territorial war
35:39with a brood
35:40a limper
35:41hot
35:42I hate to be
35:43the one to say
35:44it but all
35:44clothed animals
35:45must be shot
35:46on sight
35:47talk about
35:47Mr Boggins
35:48I'll call you
35:49back for her
35:51Mr Boggins
35:52I have a confession
35:55for the past month
35:56or so
35:56I have been
35:57sneaking onto
35:58your farm
35:58and dressing
35:59your animals
36:00in tiny garments
36:03suits for chickens
36:05little sexy tank
36:06tops for guinea pigs
36:06I actually even
36:07tried to put
36:08these really cute
36:08little shoes
36:09on a spider
36:09but I got
36:10kind of tired
36:11when I realized
36:11how many feet
36:12they had
36:13they're not
36:13leprechauns
36:14Mr Boggins
36:16they just have
36:17a really
36:18incredible
36:19stylist
36:24Jenny
36:24Doran
36:26I appreciate
36:27why you'd
36:27make up
36:28wee fibs
36:28to
36:28save the
36:29lives of
36:30your wee
36:30honorable
36:30friends
36:31but respectfully
36:33we're about
36:34to start
36:34a leprechaun
36:35massacre
36:37don't start
36:38spouting
36:39silly
36:39shake
36:39like that
36:40Sammy
36:42I have a lead
36:42on a goose
36:43in a caftan
36:43about two
36:44miles from here
36:44as the goose slice
36:46to the armory
36:47Franklin
36:47yes sir
36:50oh no
36:50the boogies
36:56what kind of girl
36:57you looking on
36:58there darling
36:59a big booby
37:00melphie likes
37:01pizza and chips
37:01and has played
37:02all the
37:02assassins creed
37:03games
37:06my guayan
37:07uses it
37:09she has her
37:09needs you know
37:12and I wouldn't
37:13really hold her
37:13back
37:18you're not
37:19the only one
37:19who's going
37:19through a hard
37:20time
37:20FYI
37:22my daddies
37:23cancelled my
37:24PS Plus
37:24subscription
37:24because they
37:25call me
37:25playing sexy
37:26Japanese games
37:26again
37:28they treat me
37:28like shit
37:30it's basically
37:30child abuse
37:32I'm so sorry
37:35we've all got
37:36our crosses
37:36to bear
37:40good to see you
37:42you hold yourself
37:43so very very
37:44well
37:47thank you
37:49thank you
37:52girl I got
37:53the goods
37:54I got the goods
37:55what a day
37:58what a day
38:07I feel like I'm
38:09in an episode
38:09of freaking
38:10Gilmore Girls
38:12an episode
38:13where Tristan
38:14meets a gorgeous
38:14gal called
38:15Gwen
38:17yeah she has
38:18her quirks
38:18she seems to
38:19be sexually
38:20attracted to
38:20sadness
38:21and wants a
38:22three-way
38:22relationship
38:22with another
38:23woman called
38:23Gráinne
38:24who I don't
38:24like
38:24hello
38:26we excited
38:27but none of
38:29that matters
38:30because she said
38:31she's going to
38:31ride the balls
38:32clean off me
38:33I'm about to
38:34say goodbye
38:34to my virginity
38:35goodbye
38:36to my Hyman
38:38I could almost
38:39cry from joy
38:46those tears
38:47taste different
38:49sweet
38:50you need me
38:51back to your
38:52wee smiley selves
38:52it's all just
38:53been an act
38:53no I'm just
38:54you were lying
38:55have you just
38:56been happy
38:56all this time
38:57Gwen
38:58Piss off
38:59Gwen
39:03that does
39:04sound like a
39:04tricky bugger
39:05well see
39:05that's just
39:06before I met
39:07her I was
39:07truly miserable
39:08every morning
39:09I woke up
39:10was another
39:10groundhog day
39:11of pain and
39:11regret
39:12I was exactly
39:13what she wanted
39:14and she was
39:15exactly what I
39:15wanted a girl
39:16willing to have
39:16sex with me
39:17now every time
39:19I think about
39:19her I get an
39:20uncontrollable
39:21urge to smile
39:22I can't
39:22stop smiling
39:23look
39:25okay so
39:26all you really
39:27need to do
39:27is go on a
39:28date and have
39:29a miserable time
39:31why don't you
39:31eat dog shit
39:33like they do
39:33on fear factor
39:34fear factor
39:35I mean
39:36I could come
39:37as well
39:37and look after
39:38that stupid
39:38lady
39:39if you want
39:42take her
39:42off your
39:42hands
39:44look
39:44I put a horse
39:45in your
39:45favorite hat
39:46I'm really
39:46sorry
39:46what
39:47I love you
39:48you put the
39:48horse in a
39:49hat
39:49yeah
39:49oh
39:50lucky sheep
39:53why have you
39:53brought me here
39:54look Gwen
39:55let me climb up
39:56this very very
39:57very high wall
39:58even though I have
39:59vertigo and then
39:59see how you feel
40:00okay
40:00right okay
40:01hurry up
40:02then
40:12oh Jesus Christ
40:15can I tell you
40:16something
40:16you may darling
40:18I know she's got a
40:18type
40:19but I don't think
40:20you fit it
40:22well
40:23she has a
40:24day up out of the
40:25old emotional
40:26sadism but sure
40:27I'll take a break
40:28and get it
40:35you don't seem sad
40:36when you're with me
40:36though
40:38I don't like it
40:39Gwen
40:40wait wait
40:41Callum hold on
40:42what
40:43this is really
40:44doing something
40:44for me
40:45no thanks ma'am
40:46I'm not gonna
40:47cripple my legs
40:47for a woman
40:48I'm coming down
40:49come on gran
40:49you'll have to
40:50scram
40:50you're not gonna
40:51die today
40:51son
40:53maybe you could
40:54just stay with
40:55me
40:57I hope you
40:58find your big
40:58baby mouth
41:00who's for ace
41:01shelter and
41:01still find the
41:03time to play
41:03all 17
41:04assassin's
41:04creed games
41:05darling
41:06I really do
41:09how does she
41:10know there
41:10were exactly
41:1117
41:15oh my god
41:19get the man
41:20Gwen
41:20get the man
41:21where is he
41:26you okay
41:27Callum
41:29oh my god
41:31oh he's so
41:32beautiful
41:35I think I heard
41:36a goose honk
41:37hey
41:41Leprechaun
41:41inside
41:42no body shots
41:43Franklin
41:43head and bollocks
41:44only the two
41:45weeks bus
41:46no no no
41:47don't do it
41:47Frank
41:48don't do it
41:48don't do it
41:48he's a handsome
41:49fella
41:49with that dress
41:50on him
41:51don't be fooled
41:52by his
41:52beguiling tricks
41:53Franklin
41:53shoot him
41:53in the bollocks
41:54he's dancing
41:54around the place
41:56he'd look the
41:57part of a nice
41:57pair of pumps
41:58wouldn't he
41:59Frank
41:59Frank look at me
42:01it's just a goose
42:04it's just a harmless
42:04wee goose
42:06don't do this
42:10does sort of look
42:10like a goose
42:11Sammy
42:12it'd be a shame
42:12to shoot a goose
42:13in the head
42:13like
42:15get there
42:15okay
42:18this is for PJ
42:20fucker
42:23are you okay
42:24baby
42:24yeah
42:24I'm just
42:25now we're getting
42:25a panic attack
42:26that climbing wall
42:27got me
42:27you were such a good
42:30boy climbing up that
42:31wall
42:31wasn't he
42:32grandma
42:33never saw a better
42:34behaviour in my life
42:35Gwen
42:35no me neither
42:36not since birdie
42:38it's hard to believe
42:39it's been a week to the
42:40day since he got his
42:41arse exploded off
42:42he really was a dog
42:43for life
42:44but then he died
42:45yeah
42:46oh my god
42:48my thyroid
42:48you alright son
42:49my overactive thyroid gland
42:51what happened
42:52what is it
42:53I have an overactive
42:54thyroid gland
42:54and someday I might
42:56need to get surgery on it
42:57and they could scratch
42:58my vocal cords
42:59and I could
42:59end up talking like this
43:02you're the saddest person
43:03I've ever been with
43:04yeah
43:04I don't know how long
43:05I'm gonna last for you
43:06two sad wee fuckers
43:08there we go
43:10I want you to dance for me
43:12do ya
43:13yeah
43:13oh yeah
43:15oh yeah
43:16I've always been to class
43:18shake those nipples
43:20shake the nipples
43:22I'm a virgin
43:25I'm a sad little virgin
43:27I want you to pump my
43:29journey
43:29I want to watch you two
43:30pump each other like sad dogs
43:34granny
43:44what's wrong baby
43:47oh
43:48Gwen darling I'm sorry
43:49I think I'm breaking up
43:51with you
43:58that was fast
44:00you want me to stay
44:01Gwen
44:02fuck off
44:03in my house
44:06hello six times
44:12fuck you
44:12fuck
44:17no sign of leprechaun
44:20Franklin I think we could
44:21stand down
44:23as I always say
44:24better a dead goose
44:25than an infestation of leprechaun
44:27I does actually say that
44:28quite a lot
44:28you know
44:28there's been a fair few
44:29falling geese
44:30in this blood feud
44:31like
44:33yeah I mean I guess
44:34still got some of its clothes on
44:36and they're like
44:37bits of it on its clothes
44:38Gemma
44:39maybe it's time
44:40you got another hobby
44:42have you ever played sticky ball
44:44who the hell is sticky ball
44:45velcro paddles
44:46tennis ball
44:47and literally hours of fun
44:48okay
44:49yeah you'd love it
44:50let me show you
44:55hey gal
44:56yeah bud
44:57I'm sorry
44:58I dumped you
44:58and I got in the way
44:59of you losing your virginity
45:01it's fine
45:01I'll keep my
45:02willy nice and warm
45:04for another woman
45:06apology accepted
45:08yeah she was like
45:09a psycho sadness vampire
45:10you were her tasty
45:11little Bella
45:13yeah that's funny
45:14a part of me
45:15actually thought
45:15if I'd just stuck with it
45:17I might have formed
45:17a healthy relationship
45:18in the end
45:19but I suppose
45:20that's the sort of
45:20warped thinking
45:21that sends people
45:22drinking to their deaths
45:22huh
45:24I really did enjoy
45:25our dalliance
45:25I'm sure you'll find someone
45:27you're a lovely fella
45:28thanks Konya
45:29very well said Konya
45:30thank you very much
45:35your smell
45:36is so good
45:37you'll be pheromones
45:38I'm so glad
45:39I'm not a lonely
45:40little loser anymore
45:42you're my third
45:43favourite Jordan Jordan
45:44just behind the river
45:45Jordan
45:45in cutie press
45:47oh yeah
45:48yeah
45:48mmm
45:50mmm
45:50mmm
45:50mmm
45:51mmm