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00:09The End
00:09Hey, Stoopidoo, tell me the truth, buddy.
00:11You still hurting from that beatdown last Friday?
00:13Ah, I'm alright.
00:15Still got some blood in my urine.
00:17Yeah, I once had blood in my semen.
00:19Looked like a candy cane.
00:21Ugh, don't tell me that.
00:22Well, we're on the topic.
00:23Don't compare your semen to a Christmas candy.
00:25It's funny you say that, because it was around the holidays, too.
00:27Oh, stop it!
00:28Hey, what's this guy doing?
00:31Looks like we got some over here.
00:37Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do we got here?
00:41Looks like it's hot enough to fry a leg on this sidewalk.
00:45Right? I mean, not an egg, but a leg.
00:46We get it.
00:47What do you guys know, anyway?
00:49How's it going today, sir?
00:55Hey, buddy.
00:59Oh!
01:00Oh!
01:02Oh!
01:02Oh!
01:03This zombie smells like balls!
01:05Oh!
01:05Wow!
01:06Why do you smell like balls?
01:08That's probably not a great idea.
01:09Why?
01:09Because you never know if, uh...
01:11Hey, you got a permit to be here?
01:17Well, now we know.
01:19Now we know.
01:20One year ago.
01:21One year ago.
01:21Vampires, werewolves, and zombies.
01:23Descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.
01:27Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
01:29Origins.
01:29One year ago.
01:30We know when there's not a sound.
01:31This nasty bitch, it gets so rotten.
01:34I think it's how my book is not even in the ground.
01:37Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:41We're losing our control buildings.
01:49Is there a lack of energy out here, or is it just my imagination?
01:53Captain, when are we going to get the A.C. fixed?
01:55I will answer that question with a question.
01:57Would you rather have air conditioning or the streets free of crime?
02:00How are those even the two choices?
02:01I will ignore that question with a story.
02:03As many of you may recall last week, John John played whack-a-mole with a senior citizen.
02:08As a result, we are under temporary oversight by internal affairs.
02:14Now, just because Deputy Chief Ribbings comes to us with very little real-world experience
02:19and a total lack of understanding what we actually do here on a daily basis,
02:23there's no reason to treat him with disrespect.
02:26Deputy Chief Ribbings.
02:28Okay.
02:29Officer Johnson's recent mishap has resulted in new protocols that are to be followed by all UTF personnel.
02:37When it comes to proper protocol, killing zombies is really no different than killing any other citizen.
02:44I believe Officer Johnson already proved that, sir.
02:47Right, John John?
02:48Huh?
02:49Up top.
02:50All right.
02:50These cards will guide you when encountering a potential undead suspect or puss.
02:57They will help you to interrogate the puss, determine if he or she is indeed undead,
03:03confirm that determination, and then proceed to dispatch him.
03:07Excuse me, I'm a police officer, and I have cause to believe you may have contracted the zombie virus.
03:13Well, that's moronic.
03:14I'll get myself killed if I do that.
03:15And these on-ear look-see video cameras you'll be wearing, which are also neatly placed on your desks,
03:20will allow us to see how you got killed and how we can prevent similar deaths in the future.
03:24Any questions?
03:25Okay, people, I don't like having Deputy Chief Ribbings here any more than you do.
03:30But, Johnson, Rinaldi, since you were the ones who took a dookie in this particular bed,
03:35you'll be the ones to cart this gentleman around for the day.
03:38Rest of you, stay hydrated.
03:40It is 112 degrees in the shade.
03:43If I hear about one of you dying, it damn well better be from a zombie, vampire, or werewolf,
03:48and not sunstroke.
03:50Is that understood?
03:55Uh, Captain?
03:56SPF 50, Stubek.
03:57You're not getting a sunburn today.
03:59Not on my watch.
04:01Anyway, let's get out there and kill something.
04:05Billy.
04:06Billy.
04:10You sure the AC's working?
04:12Yes, the AC is working.
04:14We just got in the car.
04:15Give it a few minutes.
04:16Whatever.
04:16I'm not waiting.
04:18Ah!
04:19Stop it.
04:20Put that back on.
04:21Why?
04:21Department policy.
04:22Yeah?
04:23And my policy is to take my shirt off when it's hot as balls.
04:25Why are you always comparing things to balls?
04:27Because balls are hot, and they smell bad.
04:29Anyway, today it's all wife-beater all the time.
04:32Don't call him that.
04:33I have a wife whom I respect.
04:34What do you call him that?
04:35White rib tank tops.
04:36That's what they're called.
04:38Read the package.
04:39Read my package.
04:40No, I can't read your package.
04:41There's no letters on it.
04:42You know what, man?
04:43It's gross outside today, all right?
04:44Can you at least try and have some fun?
04:46Can we please just have some fun today?
04:48I'm nothing but fun.
04:50Check this out.
04:54How are people even going to know you're on the job without your uniform on?
04:57That's how.
04:58Ooh, that's pretty sweet.
05:00Right there.
05:01Where'd you get it?
05:01Got it someplace in Van Nuys.
05:03You know, with every tattoo, they're giving away a free genital piercing.
05:05What?
05:06I didn't even want a genital piercing, bud.
05:08At those prices, I'm not going to say no.
05:10Attention all units, 111 in progress.
05:12Square victory, Alameda.
05:13Hey, somebody fun wouldn't answer that.
05:18Don't get it.
05:20This is Stu Beck and Pierce.
05:22We're on it.
05:22No fun.
05:24God, it is like a sauna in here.
05:26Aren't you hot as hell, Carla?
05:28Not taking my top off, John John.
05:30Damn.
05:30You know, Officer Johnson, you're awfully smug for a guy who just killed a man in the prime of his
05:35life.
05:36He was 82.
05:37And he still ran a mile three days a week.
05:39Well, it walked a mile, but at that age, there's almost no difference.
05:43Focke 188, progress at the Melody Nursery.
05:4582, 33 language.
05:47Jim, please respond.
05:47This is Rinaldi.
05:48We're on it.
05:50Here we go.
05:51How do I look?
05:54Well, kind of like a douche.
05:56Thanks.
06:03So, your niece is going to another one of those parties later, and unless you need me around here,
06:07I was thinking maybe I'd check up on her again and make sure she's not getting into any trouble.
06:11That sounds great, Kirsten.
06:13Awesome.
06:13I was just...
06:15Hey, you said my name right.
06:17What's that?
06:20Nothing.
06:33Let's go.
06:35Damn, it is hot as hell.
06:38I know, right?
06:38Now, remember, when you see a puss, you're going to want to take...
06:42Look, I know you went through a lot of trouble with these cards, like laminating them and everything,
06:46but this is a dumb idea.
06:47Yeah, seriously, man.
06:49Somebody's going to get hurt this way, bruh.
06:50Well, people were getting killed your way, bruh.
06:52So, let's give this a shot, shall we?
06:54Okay, he's taking point.
06:56Wait, you're not coming with us, are you?
06:57You bet your ass I am.
06:59Jesus Christ.
07:00Right.
07:04Excuse me.
07:05Excuse me.
07:05Oh, the police officer.
07:09Of course, it's probably time for me to check in with the home office.
07:13Yep.
07:15I'll let that one go.
07:16But from now on, protocol.
07:22Protocol.
07:23Yeah, that's right.
07:23Yeah.
07:24Protocol.
07:29No, thank you.
07:32I said no gracias.
07:33Oh!
07:38Hey, sucks to be that guy today, huh?
07:40Billy, it's never fun to be that guy.
07:42After we take care of this, we should go buy some oranges from him.
07:44Yeah, that's a great idea, if you want to get the sewer poops.
07:47Oh, what are the sewer poops?
07:49It sounds like a horrible punk rock band.
07:51Please buy my orange poop pellets.
07:53You think oranges are poop pellets?
07:56Ah!
07:57Ah!
08:01Hey, just to let you know, I'm not getting out of the car today.
08:04It's brutal out here.
08:06Just a minute.
08:11Excuse me!
08:12I am a police officer, and I have cause to believe you may have contracted the zombie virus.
08:18If you can understand me...
08:19You guys obviously contracted the zombie virus.
08:22No, you're right.
08:23Ah, fine.
08:24I have an idea.
08:26You don't think I can have fun?
08:30I can be fine.
08:33What are you doing?
08:37Yeah, bowling for zombies.
08:38Some people say that bowling alley's got the lanes.
08:45Some people say that bowling alley's got the lanes.
08:49Oh!
08:51Look at you!
08:52You're like a whole person!
08:57Yes!
09:05That's a sick single day.
09:07Oh, man.
09:09Right there, buddy.
09:12Hey, Stu.
09:13Looks like you left the seven pit.
09:22Oh!
09:26Who is this new guy?
09:27I like him.
09:30Oh, come on!
09:31Wow!
09:32The guy's like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler.
09:34Yeah, he keeps getting up.
09:35Oh, no.
09:36I mean, the guy looks like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler.
09:40Get him, Scooby!
09:45Yeah!
09:45Look at that!
09:46Love it, lover!
09:47Look at that!
09:48You're a maniac!
09:49Maniac!
09:51Maniac!
09:51I've got a dream.
09:52I wanted to sleep next to plastic.
09:57I've got a dream.
09:59I wanted to lick your knees.
10:02Oh!
10:03Take the ski, man.
10:05Bowling.
10:06Take the band bowling.
10:08Oh, that's awesome!
10:10Take the ski, man.
10:12Bowling.
10:13Oh, that's awesome!
10:15I'm just going to make sure.
10:25What's going on?
10:27Damn it.
10:28We got Mickey Rourke stuck under our car.
10:40Uh, wow.
10:42What does Rico do?
10:43How does he afford something like this?
10:46I think his dad's kind of a big deal.
10:49Was he some, like, movie producer agent or something?
10:53Oh, silly.
10:54He's a vampire.
10:55So, same thing, I guess.
10:59Wow.
11:00Don't you ladies look beautiful?
11:02Thanks, Rico.
11:03Thanks for inviting us.
11:05No problem.
11:05It's nice to have some friends over and just hang out with my fangout, you know?
11:09You came on a special night.
11:11How so?
11:12It's a turning party for Claire.
11:16A turning party?
11:20You excited, baby?
11:21Very.
11:22Why don't you two grab some drinks from the bar?
11:24Oh, tell Davina to give you the good vodka.
11:27You deserve it.
11:29Okay.
11:30Okay.
11:34Okay.
11:36Giorgio, no lobo.
11:40I don't know.
11:42Oh, love you go be the good vodka.
11:42Oh, love you go be the good.
11:42Oh, love you go be the good vodka.
11:42Excuse me.
11:43I have...
11:44Excuse me, I'm a police officer.
11:46And I have cause...
11:47What?
11:48And I have cause to believe
11:49that you may have contracted the zombie virus.
11:52John, don't shh.
11:53I'm trying to memorize it.
12:07Excuse me.
12:09I am a police officer.
12:11And I have caused to believe that you may have...
12:13Are you serious?
12:14Hey, you're not the one who almost got indicted for murder, okay?
12:17Work with me.
12:18If you can understand me, please indicate...
12:21Oh, f***.
12:29No time.
12:43Oh, she got my clips.
12:46My clips.
12:56I think they left.
13:09I think they left.
13:16Fuck me.
13:19Oh, my God.
13:20Yeah.
13:25Come on.
13:27I gotta get my weapon on.
13:28Don't ever talk like that again.
13:33So, big night, huh?
13:35Yeah, can you believe Rico threw this whole party for me?
13:38Have you thought about it much, becoming a vampire?
13:41Oh, yeah.
13:41I think it's going to be the best thing I've ever done.
13:44But what if it's not?
13:46I mean, there's no going back, you know?
13:49Why would I want to go back?
13:50I'm not an idiot, okay?
13:52I wrote out a whole pro and con list last week.
13:54And mortality?
13:56I mean, you know?
13:58Yeah.
13:59I mean, you know, Rico's cute, but...
14:02Wait, controlling zombies?
14:03Rico says they do it through some kind of mind control.
14:06Plus, can you imagine what the sex is like?
14:11No.
14:12Um, not really.
14:19Let's just...
14:20Let's take care of this.
14:23Oh, yeah.
14:29Yep.
14:29That's it.
14:31All right, let's go.
14:32Uh-huh.
14:33You know, a little help would be nice.
14:35Sorry, guys.
14:36If I don't get the suntan, my producer's gonna be pissed.
14:38Jesus.
14:39Ready?
14:40One.
14:41Two.
14:45Oh, shit.
14:47Stop laughing.
14:48Oh, you look disgusting, man.
14:51I love it.
15:19Yeah.
15:21Let's go.
15:25Oh, shit.
15:27Oh, shit.
15:28Oh, shit.
15:29I see you didn't use that waxing coupon I gave you, huh?
16:01I'm gonna call bullsh** no more, ever.
16:05Oh, thank God you're here.
16:06You've been bent.
16:07Oh, really?
16:08I was wondering why the inside of my neck was on the outside.
16:11Look, I need you to kill me.
16:12I tried to do it myself, but I can't.
16:14I'm Catholic.
16:15So you've got to do it.
16:16Because God knows I'm not going to spend my last few minutes on this earth as a zombie.
16:20Okay, come on.
16:21Kill me.
16:24Kill me.
16:27Kill me.
16:27Kill me.
16:28Kill me.
16:29Kill me.
16:29Kill me.
16:31Kill me.
16:31You calm down.
16:32Okay, I get it.
16:33And I will put you down.
16:36But first, there's a certain protocol that I must follow when coming across a, um, damn.
16:42What do you call that again, Carla?
16:44A puss, John John.
16:46Possible unbed suspect.
16:48Right.
16:48Oh, my God.
16:50Oh, my God.
16:52Excuse me.
16:53I am a police officer, and I have cause to believe you may have contracted the zombie virus.
16:58Kill me, you jackass.
17:00What do you think, John John?
17:02No.
17:03It says here that we must wait 60 seconds for confirmation.
17:06I am the police!
17:07Kill me!
17:28Come here, brother.
17:31Come here, brother.
17:31Come here, brother.
17:52Come here, brother.
17:53Come here, brother.
17:55Come here, brother.
17:56Come here, brother.
17:57Come here, brother.
17:57Come here, brother.
17:58Come here, brother.
17:58Come here, brother.
17:58Come here, brother.
17:58Come here, brother.
17:58Come here, brother.
17:59Come here, brother.
18:00Come here, brother.
18:00Come here, brother.
18:00Come here, brother.
18:01Come here, brother.
18:01Come here, brother.
18:08I know, right?
18:10Actually, I've totally fantasized about being gang fanged.
18:19Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
18:31Choose the father's door to not be afraid.
18:38What have I done?
18:43What have I done?
18:55I'm lost when the sun goes down.
19:01Jesus.
19:25That's so horrible.
19:27That was insane.
19:30I know, aren't you?
19:31so psyched that you came. Come on, let's go see Claire. I've got my eye on you. I know
19:41your secret. You do? Why? You think you're fooling anybody? On the outside you act all
19:48sweet, innocent, but deep down inside there's a bad girl just wanting to come out. I guess
19:57you do know my secret. It's not a secret anymore, Amber. Mindbreak. You could be next. I'm serious.
20:27Looks like we have ourselves a werewolf to apprehend. It was the same vamp that jumped you
20:32outside the bar. Let's do this. Let's kick some vamp ass. Chicken. She stinks. Yeah, she's a zombie.
20:41Whoa, hey. You think those two are... I don't want to think about it. Pull over!
21:09I don't want to think about it.
21:22You
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