- 16 hours ago
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00:11we're on the floor zombies heading into nursing home thank you for getting here so quick yeah no
00:16problem um you sure there's not all zombies here i was here just a minute ago
00:28it's okay ma'am ma'am it's okay ma'am it's all right it's all right he's dead now we
00:34killed him
00:35it's okay you killed my brother
00:39your what my brother walter he came to visit and you killed him so why the hell would you
00:46scream it so goddamn loud because i was excited to see him oh my god i'm gonna kill you i'm
00:53gonna
00:53kill you you are an absolute jerk you are an absolute jerk one year ago vampires werewolves
01:05descended upon california's san juanito valley authorities remain baffled by their origins
01:32okay people we had a zombie setting at a nursing home today that left an 82 year old man by
01:37the name
01:38walter gilberg dead now it is not important who caused this death which is why i don't mind saying
01:43it was john john but we at the utf take our successes and our failures as a team is that
01:50clear
01:51just be unfair to imply that carla had anything to do with the death since it was all john john
01:55who while this investigation is underway will remain on desk duty that sucks did you get the zombie
02:02eventually okay one out of two isn't bad we done with our chatter let's get out there and kill
02:08something captain if carla could use a partner today i'd love to ride along that's up to carla
02:16i don't think that's such a good fantastic i think a little shake-up might be good for everybody
02:20kind of like they did with the judges on american idol thanks captain dismiss
02:30look i'm just gonna say this and then i'll shut up we should be friends right absolutely i mean
02:36we're around the same age maybe you're a couple of years older big deal i'm 23
02:41dream oh i thought you were older no not not like you look older you you just you you seem
02:49older
02:50you you have this look of authority about you but you you actually look really young
02:56you're really pretty thanks do you have a boyfriend i don't have a boyfriend but there was this guy
03:05that asked me out last week but i had to pick him up and when i got there him and
03:10his buddy were
03:11lifting weights and they're boxers and i just went eating out of there we have a 115 on
03:18went gerald boulevard at one two five five five in progress uh officer and aldi i'm on my way
03:23115 it's one of fresh zombies causing a disturbance in a public it's a zombie awesome you calm down
03:35oh hey captain i want to spend 36 hours at my desk without a bathroom break you know how i
03:39did that
03:41willpower and lower abdominal strength that's why i take my shirt off you might just confuse me with
03:46a barrel of snakes so what you're looking for on the internet here my friend oh i'm just checking
03:51my emails captain don't be ashamed serving the web is about the only way a desk jockey stays sane
03:55nowadays captain this is zombie fights you know it's like bomb fights but instead they use zombies
04:01it sounds disgusting and completely debased i'd like to see one all right
04:08see
04:12you know a friend of mine shoots these yeah well your friend's a sick man
04:16this is some kind of pornographic necrophilia be no different than a
04:21oh wow captain do you see that wow now do they call that guy ground beef because he looks like
04:29ground beef or because he turns his opponents into ground beef or does he just like ground beef
04:34you know that's a great question captain now you see i think the big guy's gonna tear his head off
04:37it's a bet loser has to rub the other guy's shoulders i'm not down with that captain
04:43you know i just texted my buddy he says he's shooting a bunch more of these tonight
04:54fans have hijacked a lot of blood mobiles lately so we thought it'd be a good idea to make sure
04:59this one's headed back to the hospital huh kind of remember that being my idea but really billy
05:04i had a pretty good milkshake from mickey d's earlier was that your idea too yeah yeah that was
05:09my idea yeah you're right that was your idea it was
05:24everything seems kosher here yeah still a good idea we checked it out though yeah i said it was
05:30a good idea before yeah when you thought it was your idea billy do you feel like i don't compliment
05:35you enough or i take you for granted or something i don't know maybe sometimes well if you feel that
05:41way i apologize thank you
05:51hey you notice anything weird going on like what well they're not taking blood in stew
05:57they're taking blood out jesus christ you're right great job billy billy
06:05you said great job thanks man
06:11seatbelt seatbelt seatbelt seatbelt it's gonna leave a mark
06:29uh oh they're shooting they're shooting
06:41attention this is the utf wait do they know what that means of course they know what that means
06:48attention this is the undead task force we have you blocked in exit the vehicle with your hands up
06:53surrender the blood and your weapons
06:56surrender the blood but never our weapons i 100 refuse to negotiate with terrorists
07:02seems like you already are i 100 i'm not well whatever dude balls in your court
07:11surrender your weapons and we'll let you keep the blood
07:15figure if we have their weapons we can get the blood we're holding indoors hostage we demand a clear
07:20path to the exit they're bluffing if they'd had a hostage they'd have said so earlier we don't know
07:26that billy i'm very strict about this you cannot negotiate with the undead or the dead
07:35all right this looks like a good one zombie hill figure versus black rudy i gotta go on black rudy
07:41and i'll go with zombie hill figure polish shirt and all done so that's a gentleman's bet right
07:45correct loser has to wear his balls on the outside of his pants that's a gentleman's bet it is for
07:49me
07:55ah man black rudy's got some game yes he does looks like i better start on zipping
08:08um captain that's my dad man
08:21where is it who
08:25did you call about a zombie yeah okay then him her it oh um i i was uh starting to
08:32close up
08:33and then i saw her at the uh contemporary casual section are you asking me or telling me
08:40telling you did you see anyone get bit
08:45no no casuals are near the lingerie yeah i know i shop here
08:56wow 70 off you know every time i buy irregular underwear i always end up with one cheek hanging
09:02out that's a great story
09:08excuse me ma'am uh we're asking all customers to exit the store until further notice
09:13ma'am can you hear me why isn't she turning
09:26turn around ma'am ma'am
09:37ma'am
09:40oh my god
09:44no
09:48ah
09:58ah
09:59ah
10:00ah
10:00ah
10:00ah
10:01ah
10:02ah
10:04ah
10:05ah
10:05ah
10:05ah
10:05ah
10:05ah
10:06ah
10:08Let's do it!
10:30Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
10:43What the f*** do you think you're doing?
10:45Jesus!
10:53Ma'am, you can come out now.
11:04You sure you're up for this?
11:07Yeah, I'm sure.
11:08Up to you. I just can't imagine finding out my father was a zombie.
11:12A zombie? Man, I didn't even know he was freaking dead.
11:16When was the last time you saw him?
11:18I don't know. When I was like 12.
11:20Walked out on you?
11:21Nah. I kicked his ass off and put her hands on my mom's.
11:25I had a bad situation with my father as well. He used to travel a lot.
11:29Go to London. I don't know why. London, always London.
11:31He used to bring me back argyle socks.
11:34I'm a nudist. I shaved my body down to keep it real smooth.
11:38I remember the first time I walked down to the beach,
11:40people were looking at me like I was this big muscular baby.
11:43A wind whistling against my skin.
11:46But, I got used to it.
11:48Even came to enjoy it.
11:51What I'm trying to say is that, you know, your father's a zombie.
11:54I'm a nudist.
11:57It's all the same thing sometimes.
12:07I'll wait them out.
12:09I have no problem playing that game.
12:11Um, any idea how long this game might take?
12:13Why, you got a better plan?
12:15No, I just, uh, I gotta go pee. That's all.
12:17Yeah, I hear that.
12:17I probably should have gone to this station, but then, like, I had to make a phone call,
12:21and, uh, anyone with the other person to hear me.
12:22I mean, what are you doing?
12:23I'm holding my penis. It's a whole thing.
12:24You could put him on mute.
12:25Quiet, you guys.
12:26Let me think.
12:29In this corner,
12:31we're all the same.
12:33We're all the same.
12:35This is one big masquerade for these people.
12:37In the other corner,
12:40we're all the same.
12:49You guys got a hammer for a hand.
12:51That's a what, Captain?
12:52It's a sledgehammer for a hand.
12:53They attached a sledgehammer to his forearm.
12:55They can do that?
12:56I cut his hand off. I guess so.
13:02Keep your mouth closed.
13:03You don't want any of that zombie juice in your mouth.
13:05Copy that, Captain.
13:15And Top Hat is down for the count.
13:19Another win for the Crusher.
13:24Hm.
13:26On the count of three,
13:29I want you to throw the keys to the Bloodmobile
13:33over to us.
13:34Wait.
13:35Do they know where we are?
13:36Of course they know where we are.
13:41We're by the police car.
13:43By the entrance.
13:44The service entrance.
13:47You know that.
13:48But my partner never mind.
13:50On the count of three,
13:51throw the keys.
13:52One.
13:53Two.
13:54Three.
13:57No!
14:05No!
14:06Holy poor face!
14:07They did have a hostage.
14:08You alright?
14:09You take care of the hostage.
14:10I'll call it in.
14:12We got a stolen Bloodmobile going west on Addison.
14:14Hang on.
14:15Alright?
14:15We got a stolen Bloodmobile going west on Addison
14:18from Sherman Oaks Hospital.
14:19Repeat.
14:19We got a stolen Bloodmobile going west on Addison
14:22from Sherman Oaks Hospital.
14:23I'm seriously going to piss my pants.
14:25Go to the bathroom!
14:26I...
14:27You are a grown man!
14:28Go find a place and go to the bathroom!
14:30Don't watch me!
14:31Why would I watch you?
14:32I swear to God I'm going to shoot him.
14:34My daughter knows when to go to the bathroom.
14:37She's five!
14:38And on that spot,
14:40in this corner,
14:43Black Rudy!
14:46Look out.
14:47There's my dad right there, man.
14:49And in the other corner,
14:51ahhh...
14:51burning!
14:59Ahhhh...
14:59I swear you want to do this.
15:19Yeah.
15:19Yeah, I'm good, Captain. I'm alright.
15:33Alright, that's enough, Captain.
15:48Okay, people, UTF. Nothing to see here.
16:01Okay, A-holes. Time to pack it in.
16:03You guys are a bunch of despicable bottom feeders. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
16:07Deriving pleasure from other people's misery.
16:09I wish nothing but bad things on all of you. Drive safe.
16:23Walk away, John-John.
16:25John-John.
16:27Walk away, I got this.
16:32It's okay.
16:43Hey, I thought I still smelled A-hole. Let's go!
16:47Outta here now!
16:50So, how drunk am I gonna have to get you before you talk about what happened today?
16:54You know I don't drink capital.
16:56Yeah, me neither, to be honest.
16:57I medicate in other ways.
16:59Diet, fresh kale.
17:01Other times I like to regulate the semen content of my body.
17:04Want to know how I do that?
17:05No!
17:06You need to do a deep sumo squat, take a four-stroke, a sailor.
17:10So, I just got word from Dashiell.
17:13Found the blood mobile, but not the vamps.
17:16That's okay. We did good work today.
17:20Wow, this is awesome.
17:22What kind of beer is it?
17:23I don't know, it's just whatever beer they had on tap.
17:25Wow, it's really good.
17:26You did a great job. Good call on the beer.
17:29Stu!
17:30Yeah?
17:30You can stop with that.
17:32Alright.
17:34I just want you to know that I value your place in this relationship.
17:37I know that part.
17:39I know you do.
17:40You entered a combat area without proper backup.
17:44A combat area?
17:45Yeah, the stock room.
17:46You endangered yourself and a civilian by using hand-hand combat instead of your gun.
17:51And I don't know, you thought I was old.
17:53I'm not old, I said older.
17:55Dirt.
17:56And I said you were really pretty.
17:59You know what?
18:00To be totally honest with you, I feel like you've had it out for me since day one.
18:05And maybe it was something I said.
18:07Or, I don't know, maybe you're just one of those women who doesn't like other women.
18:11That is not true.
18:12You ladies want to play a little pool?
18:14No.
18:15Testy.
18:16How about you sissy cans?
18:18You guys want to get your ass kicked over the pool table?
18:20I'm in.
18:21Good man.
18:22Nami.
18:22I gotta go home.
18:24Get up with the kids.
18:24Don't forget to wear your dress.
18:27Well, I need to use El Baño, which could be a potential combat area.
18:32So I might need some backup if you want to join.
18:36No thanks.
18:38Alright.
18:39Good luck.
18:43Hey.
18:44Hey.
18:46What's up to this?
18:55Good night, guys.
19:22Home sweet home.
19:23Okay.
19:24Well, this is where I say good night.
19:26You want me to come in for a cup of coffee?
19:28No, Cap.
19:29Look, John-John, what happened tonight is very, very sad, but you gotta move on.
19:34I'm your father now.
19:36What'd you say?
19:36You need a shoulder to cry, and I got two big ones right here.
19:39You wanna lay that weary head in someone's lap?
19:42You look no further.
19:43I think I'm just gonna go to bed, Cap.
19:44You do that.
19:45But maybe treat yourself first.
19:47Run a bath.
19:48Light some candles.
19:49Throw on some Lady Gaga and dance like nobody's looking.
19:52I think I'm just gonna go straight to bed.
19:54I'm pretty tired.
19:54Yeah.
19:56Yeah.
19:56Good night, Cap.
19:57Hey.
19:58Yeah.
19:59I had a great time tonight.
20:01Good night.
20:09You guys like to swim in the raw?
20:12I know a pool.
20:14Eat it.
20:23We are under oversight by internal affairs.
20:26Well, that's moronic.
20:27Can we please just have some fun today?
20:31It's a turning party.
20:32Can you imagine what the sex is like?
20:34I will ignore that question with a story.
20:41My freak.
20:43Damn.
20:52I'm sorry.
20:55I'm sorry.
20:58I'm sorry.
21:00I'm sorry.
21:02I'm sorry.
21:05I'm sorry.
21:05I'm sorry.
21:05I'm sorry.
21:06I'm sorry.
21:06I'm sorry.
21:11I'm sorry.
21:18You
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