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00:28It's alright, it's okay, keep going.
00:30Keep going, he's hairy, so what?
00:33Movie's over!
00:37That's a wrap!
00:43One year ago, vampires, werewolves, and zombies descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.
00:50Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
01:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:12What the hell are these guys doing here?
01:14Yeah.
01:15I don't know, maybe we'll get to cut out early.
01:17Hey, would you tap that?
01:18Who, Carla?
01:19No, John John.
01:20What's the matter with you?
01:21I'm married.
01:25What's the word, guys?
01:27Some actor went werewolf on the crew, I guess.
01:29Yeah, come to daddy.
01:31Vivo.
01:31Jesus, John, John, the bat?
01:33How about grabbing the trank gun on this one?
01:35What, I got hands for both.
01:37And besides, it's been a while since I had a chance to tear up some wolf ass.
01:40Now, are you going to hold me down on that baby or what, huh?
01:42That was a lot of syllables.
01:45Uh, no.
01:46But if you're talking about taking down a werewolf, have at it.
01:49As a matter of fact, why don't you guys take the inside,
01:51and me and Billy will take the perimeter.
01:54Pussies.
01:55What's that all about?
01:56Are you scared of werewolves all of a sudden?
01:57Nah, I don't want to put down a werewolf and be stuck doing paperwork here all night.
02:01Ha!
02:01Where do you have to be?
02:02Parent-teacher conference.
02:04Lucille's first, so I want to be there and hear how she's doing.
02:07It's a kindergarten, Stu.
02:08How far behind can she be?
02:09Behind?
02:11That's impossible.
02:12We only feed her salmon and blueberries.
02:14I want to see how far ahead she is.
02:26What the?
02:28What?
02:31We are waist-deep in a porn.
02:33You gotta love the valley.
02:35Hey, you want to hear something funny?
02:36What you got?
02:38Billy.
02:39Carla!
02:40They're shooting a porn movie in here.
02:43God damn it.
02:45That was good.
02:46I know.
02:46All right.
03:07Oh, my God.
03:08Thank God.
03:09Please tell me that you got him.
03:10Well, get him.
03:11Don't you worry.
03:12Get him?
03:13That's like not even the same thing.
03:15How's everybody in here doing?
03:16The girls got a little roughed up, but they're pretty good with that kind of stuff.
03:20You know what I'm talking about.
03:22And the rest of us are fine.
03:24We just can't find our makeup girl.
03:26And we do a lot of close-ups.
03:30Who are these guys?
03:31Oh, they're just doing a news piece.
03:33Yeah?
03:34Hey, what do you guys shoot on?
03:35The red.
03:36Why?
03:36What do you guys use?
03:38I have no idea.
03:39I'm more about the f***ing.
03:41Were you here for any of this?
03:42I was, but unfortunately I was in the bathroom masturbating the whole time.
03:46Excuse me?
03:47Hmm?
03:48Oh, I'm sorry.
03:48I'm not a real cop.
03:50I'm just the insert guy.
03:52You're going to need to be clear.
03:53I'm the one who steps in if, you know, the talent has performance issues.
03:58Do you watch porn?
03:59I do sometimes, but I'm going to move on now.
04:02Tell me about your werewolf.
04:03Uh, Manny, he's a consummate pro.
04:06Just ask the girls.
04:07They'll tell you themselves.
04:09And the makeup girl?
04:10Ah, Mara, she is the best in the business.
04:14She can make a vagina look like a pair of Swedish baby thumbs.
04:18You have to find her.
04:19You have to make sure she's okay.
04:23Billy, it's Stubek.
04:28Mr. and Mrs. Hanson.
04:36Hi.
04:36Mrs. Hanson?
04:37Yes, yes.
04:38You must be Officer...
04:39Landry.
04:40Landry, that's right.
04:41Oh, sorry.
04:43They're just doing a story on the UTF.
04:44Don't mind them.
04:45Oh, okay.
04:46Sure.
04:47Jeffrey?
04:48Coming.
04:49It'll be just a second.
04:50No problem.
04:51So, how do you like the UTF?
04:54I do, you know, it's, um, challenging.
04:58And I'm guessing you're Mr. Hanson?
05:00There's a flash.
05:01Here we go.
05:02This is Eddie.
05:02Well, this is my first time on lockdown, but I'm sure you guys know the drill.
05:07We're coming up on a full moon, so I just need to make sure that you're in compliance with city
05:11ordinances regarding werewolves.
05:12Of course, of course.
05:13Do you want to come in?
05:14Please.
05:15Right this way.
05:16Thanks.
05:16Oh, sweetie.
05:18Jeffrey's room is right upstairs.
05:19Okay, great.
05:19Follow me.
05:22He is just the cutest.
05:24I know, isn't he?
05:25Oh, this is right where I bring his food.
05:27We have plenty of deer in the fridge.
05:28Okay.
05:29Right in here.
05:30Oh, here.
05:31Go right ahead.
05:33Mm-hmm.
05:34After you.
05:35Wow.
05:36Miss Hanson, this looks great.
05:40And are you in possession of the key?
05:42Oh, yes, yes.
05:43Right here.
05:44Oh, honey, stop it.
05:46One of these days.
05:48Silly.
05:55I can't believe they're in there shooting porn and we're out here with our thumbs up our
05:58asses.
05:59We're looking for a werewolf, Billy, and a makeup girl.
06:04Why do you care so much about porn anyway?
06:06I don't know.
06:06Why do you care so little?
06:08I care that the girls in those movies are sad examples of childhood trauma and parental neglect.
06:13Maybe they just like porn.
06:16Yeah, that's probably it.
06:17You don't think they have serious problems?
06:18I think cops have serious problems.
06:20How much porn do you have anyway?
06:22Two terabytes.
06:24That's gibberish.
06:24Is that a lot?
06:25I don't know.
06:26Is 8,000 movies a lot?
06:27Eight thousand?
06:29How do you even watch that many movies?
06:31I don't watch the whole movie, Stubeck.
06:33I'm usually flushing tissues after the first scene.
06:35Oh, what does that even mean?
06:36Oh, Jesus.
06:37Do you know anything about porn?
06:39No, because I love my wife.
06:41She gave me a calendar of boudoir photographs for our fifth anniversary.
06:44What are we doing out here?
06:46I'm going to tell them there's nothing going on out here.
06:50What?
06:52Oh, no.
06:58Nothing.
06:59We found the makeup girl.
07:00The werewolf's in the house.
07:11I'm here with Officer Joe Stubeck.
07:15Only question is, if you had a sex toy right in your face, would you recognize it?
07:22No, I'd probably...
07:23Stop it!
07:25Get that away from me.
07:26I guess not.
07:30Hold on to this.
07:32What?
07:33That's not your property.
07:47Lexi?
07:48Tori?
07:50Do I know you?
07:51No, but I know you guys.
07:54I mean, I'm not a freak about it, but...
07:56You're close.
07:58Wow.
07:58You're pretty much a freak about it.
08:00Billy, what do you say we get these girls out of here?
08:02Yeah.
08:04Who are you?
08:04I'm the insert guy.
08:06Yeah, you are.
08:08Did you find Mara?
08:11Let's talk about that later.
08:14Everybody get ready to bowl for the front door.
08:15We think the werewolf is upstairs.
08:19I don't think we have a clean path to the door.
08:21Insert guy's right.
08:23We'll split up.
08:24Two of us stay here.
08:25Two of us take down the werewolf.
08:26Stay in here.
08:26I'm right with you.
08:27Oh, that's shocking.
08:28You guys are going to stay here with the porn stars.
08:32Carla, let's end this.
08:36Wow.
08:38Hi.
08:39So, uh, what is the name of this thing?
08:41I've got to know what to look for when it comes out.
08:43Two girls, one cop.
08:45That is awesome.
08:46Yeah, and if you look close, you can see me in the part where I...
08:48Quiet down, insert guy.
08:49I didn't ask you to insert yourself into this conversation.
08:52Okay.
09:00That Billy's a piece of work, isn't he?
09:02I don't blame him.
09:03His girls are hot.
09:08Hey, where'd you find the makeup girl?
09:10She came flying through a window.
09:13But that's not what killed her.
09:14She was torn up pretty good.
09:16God, can you imagine a worse way to go?
09:20Eaten by zombies.
09:22Or I have a fear about being buried alive.
09:24I have nightmares about it.
09:25It's kind of irrational, I know.
09:27I was just making small talk.
09:28Got it.
09:29Sure, okay.
09:35Uh, evening.
09:37Miss...
09:38Traeger.
09:39Uh, sorry to interrupt.
09:40I just need to make sure that your husband is properly locked down.
09:44No, of course.
09:44Uh, the only thing is we've already locked him in for the weekend, so...
09:47That's great.
09:48I just need to verify that.
09:49But I told you he's in his room.
09:52You know, we have always complied with the city's lock-up procedure.
09:54Locked down.
09:55And I can't check you off my list until I come in and check for myself.
10:00And I would have no problem with that, except we just had our floors redone, so...
10:04Uh, Miss Traeger, either you're going to have to let me in, or I'm going to force my way in.
10:10He escaped, officer.
10:11I'm so sorry.
10:12How long ago?
10:14About 40 minutes ago.
10:15I must have waited too long to lock him in, and then he started acting up, and to be honest,
10:19I have no idea where he's gone to.
10:21You have no idea at all?
10:22Well, uh, maybe he's gone up to the highway to chase cars, or down by the creek, drinking.
10:33Please don't hurt him!
10:34He doesn't know what he's doing!
10:37Oh, s***.
10:46This is the first time you guys have been to a porn set?
10:48Trust me, it's usually not this exciting.
10:51If you want, you can come by sometime.
10:53That would be...
10:54awesome.
10:55You know, you guys could probably be porn actors.
10:58No, I could only.
10:59I always thought we could.
11:00Really?
11:00Yeah!
11:02Well, what about you, Tori?
11:03You think I have what it takes to be a porn star?
11:05I don't know.
11:06I haven't seen you naked.
11:07Well, if you play your cards right, you're just my little rabbit.
11:11Well, I hope I play my cards right, because...
11:14Gosh, I haven't seen a penis in, like, 20 minutes.
11:17Porn humor.
11:18Porn humor.
11:19Yeah.
11:20So, what's the deal with your partner?
11:22Oh, me.
11:23This clown over here?
11:24No.
11:25Carla.
11:26Is she seeing anybody?
11:28What the f*** do I know?
11:29Well, will you tell her something for me?
11:31Ah!
11:32Ah!
11:33I'm not!
11:34I'm not!
11:38I'm not!
11:39I'm not!
11:41I'm not!
11:42I'm not!
11:45Frank!
11:46Frank!
11:46Ah!
11:47Frank!
11:47Ah!
11:50Ah!
11:52Ah!
11:54That's how you kick some wolf ass.
11:56Oh, yeah.
11:59Alright.
12:00Nice work, fellas.
12:02Nice work, insert guy.
12:04I used to tape our mitzvahs.
12:05I still have no idea what it is you do, but...
12:10Oh!
12:11That's a paying job!
12:13Ah!
12:16Ah!
12:17Ah!
12:18Ah!
12:18Ah!
12:18Ah!
12:18Ah!
12:18Ah!
12:19Ah!
12:26Ah!
12:28Ah!
12:31Ah!
12:32Ah!
12:34Ah!
12:35Ah!
12:36Ah!
12:38Ah!
12:39Ah!
12:39Ah!
12:40Ah!
12:48Ah!
12:50Ah!
12:51Ah!
12:51Ah!
12:52Ah!
13:02Oh, my God.
13:26Oh, my God.
13:55Okay.
14:00Miss, I need to talk to you for a second. Step over here.
14:06Listen, this is none of my business, but as a father of two little girls, I have to ask, what
14:12made you turn to porn?
14:13What do you mean?
14:14I mean, usually with this type of thing, we expect to, you know, neglect, abuse, a broken home, a sketchy
14:21boyfriend.
14:22Maybe some of the other girls, but I had a healthy childhood, good grades, good parents, no creepy uncles.
14:29How does one then end up...
14:31I was pre-med at UCLA, and I hated organic chemistry.
14:34Yeah, who doesn't?
14:35I drove my friend to a photo shoot, and the guy offered me a layout, and pretty soon I realized
14:39I can make really good money having sex, which is awesome.
14:43You're not wrong.
14:44Shut up, Billy.
14:45Nope.
14:47So, no trauma of any kind? Nothing you think might have pushed you in this direction?
14:51Nope.
14:52I mean, my father never showed up to any of my parent-teacher conferences.
14:57I don't know what that has to do with anything.
14:59You're joking.
15:00Yeah, of course I'm joking.
15:02Oh, my God.
15:04Billy told me you were freaking out about your good thing tonight.
15:07Oh, not funny, Billy.
15:09Oh, my God, that's terrifying.
15:12I'm so afraid of what might happen.
15:14What's happening to me?
15:17Hopefully, nothing too serious.
15:18Here, just lean back, lean back.
15:20I got you.
15:20I'm going to lay you down.
15:23Guys!
15:26Guys!
15:28Guys!
15:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:47Thanks.
15:48You're welcome.
15:49Yeah.
15:50I've never, uh...
15:52I've never punched a girl before.
15:53That's comforting.
15:54I feel like she had it coming, though.
15:56You know.
15:57She turned into a wolf and everything.
16:12Oh, jeez.
16:17Do either of you want to switch for a little bit?
16:24Sure.
16:25Yeah, I will.
16:27Sure.
16:30Sweet.
16:32Wow.
16:35It's heavy, huh?
16:36Got it, yeah.
16:37Watch your cords.
16:46Now watch your head.
16:48Top one.
16:51How you feeling, Manny?
16:54Got a crazy headache, but other than that...
16:58So what, I had a little outbreak, huh?
17:01You know what, how bad?
17:03The makeup girl's a dad, Manny.
17:05Wait a minute.
17:07You knew you had the virus?
17:09Look, I have never worked on moon days before.
17:12Okay, I mean it, but I got a five-year-old start in school, and my wife is pregnant again.
17:16Wait a minute, you're married?
17:18Yeah, she owns a cupcake shop in Silver Lake.
17:21Look, anyway, I needed the money, so I went to this doctor who told me that he could control
17:25the outbreak through diet and homeopathic medicine.
17:29Oh, no.
17:30What?
17:31Oh, no, Stu, what did you do to her?
17:34She was convulsing.
17:36And then I noticed a scratch we didn't see before.
17:39Come on.
17:40Come on.
17:41Oh, man.
17:42She came at me really hard.
17:44I'm sorry, Billy.
17:45What happened to me?
17:47It's our fault, Tori.
17:49Not like it would have made any difference, but we should have checked you for bites and
17:52scratches.
17:53I guess that one was deep enough to give you the virus.
17:56You mean the virus Manny has?
17:58Yeah.
17:59And you know what?
17:59I'm pretty pissed off at that guy right now.
18:01Bad dog.
18:02No, I'm sure he didn't know he had it.
18:04No, he knew.
18:05He knew, and he shouldn't have been pouring in tonight.
18:08What's going to happen to me?
18:10Am I still going to be able to work?
18:12Yeah, you can still work.
18:14How?
18:15I look like an old Italian woman.
18:17You know, it'll take a day or two for that to go away, and, you know, you just can't
18:21work on full moons.
18:23Listen, we promise, we'll get you back on your knees in no time.
18:25Oh.
18:26That's all I needed to hear.
18:27Good.
18:28You okay, sweetie?
18:30It's not that bad.
18:31Call you tomorrow.
18:32Listen, Billy, we've got to get your friend here down to the stage.
18:34All right.
18:34All right.
18:35Please.
18:36So, you still going to visit me on set, or am I ruined forever?
18:39You crazy.
18:40Lucy, anytime, anywhere, you're still my favorite.
18:43You mean that?
18:44I'll never even look at another actress.
18:46I mean, unless she's in a smoking hot three-way with them.
18:50How about a hug?
18:51Huh?
18:52Bring it in.
18:53Bring it in closer.
18:55Oh.
18:58Squishy, boobie.
19:00Lawsuit.
19:01Lawsuit.
19:01All right, all right.
19:02Relax.
19:03What, you all in two?
19:05Do not hug me.
19:06Come on.
19:06I do not hug me.
19:07Come here, big guy.
19:07Oh, where it is.
19:11Run, Tori.
19:12Run!
19:14Run, Tori, run!
19:16Run!
19:17Night, Tori.
19:17You realize we just have to chase her down now.
19:20I know.
19:21I just thought there'd be a cool moment to watch her run away like that.
19:27Listen.
19:28I got this.
19:29All right?
19:29Why don't you go to that parent-teacher conference?
19:32Yeah, I'm not going to make it anyway.
19:33Don't talk like that, man.
19:34Man, I'm not freaked out like I was before.
19:37I mean, Tori seems like a nice young lady.
19:38She is.
19:40You ever seen Ass Blasters 12?
19:41What?
19:42You!
19:42I'm going to my kid's school.
19:44You got this?
19:44I got it.
19:45All right, get in, man.
19:46Tell the wife and kids I say hi.
19:47I think you died.
19:51You ready to go to work?
19:54Because it's showtime.
20:03This is the UTF.
20:05Do they know what that means?
20:06This is the Undead Task Force.
20:11It's a zombie fight.
20:15Wow!
20:16You're really pretty.
20:17Thanks.
20:19You sure you want to do this?
20:20Go to the bathroom!
20:22Are you asking me or telling me?
20:25Go to the bathroom!
20:26Go to the bathroom!
20:27Go to the bathroom!
20:31Go to the bathroom!
20:33Go to the bathroom!
20:34Go to the bathroom!
20:36Go to the bathroom!
20:38Go to the bathroom!
20:39Go to the bathroom!
20:41Go to the bathroom!
20:42Go to the bathroom!
20:42Go to the bathroom!
20:43Go to the bathroom!
20:43Go to the bathroom!
20:44Go to the bathroom!
20:44Go to the bathroom!
20:45Go to the bathroom!
20:45Go to the bathroom!
20:46Go to the bathroom!
20:46Go to the bathroom!
20:47Go to the bathroom!
20:59You
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