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TVTranscript
00:30Plain Jen's finger blasted the hummus.
00:32Selena grabbed the boot and Scarlett found a new way to be the drama.
00:36Like kissing the fella.
00:41We should have numbered all these.
00:42I feel like all of this is just mixed up like alphabet soup.
00:48Why doesn't BB just use a teleprompter screen?
00:50She says that technology tramples her aura.
00:53She doesn't own a computer for like emails and stuff?
00:55And people reach out to her through Landline.
00:59Cool.
01:04I like your shorts.
01:07Thanks.
01:07They're cargo shorts.
01:11Practical.
01:16You don't think BB's going to get upset that these are all out of order?
01:21Um, well...
01:23I mean, if she does, I'll definitely take the blame.
01:26Really?
01:27Yeah.
01:29That's so brave.
01:31Thank you, Augustus.
01:32You're welcome.
01:33You ain't home.
01:34I know.
01:35You got to tell them.
01:35You're welcome.
01:38Okay.
01:50You're welcome.
01:52You're welcome.
01:54You're welcome.
01:57You're welcome.
02:34So, Miss Girl, are you and Plane going to start bumping purses or what's that?
02:40God, no.
02:42No, that's not what's happening.
02:44I just have to make sure I'm still here tomorrow, you know?
02:46Okay.
02:48Okay?
02:49Mm-hmm.
02:49What does okay mean?
02:51What, you don't believe me?
02:51I didn't say I didn't believe you, Scarlet.
02:53Please, I never said that.
02:55Fuck no, I don't believe that, bitch.
02:56She over there trying to clap compacts for Plane.
03:00I don't have to prove anything to you, Miss Thing.
03:02That's true, babe.
03:03Just prove it to yourself.
03:04Okay, fuck you, Heidi.
03:07It's too early for this.
03:09It's not too early for this.
03:10I think it's a little early for this.
03:11Sister, you started it.
03:12So, what was that kiss about?
03:14What do you mean?
03:19What was that kiss about?
03:21I don't know.
03:21You told me to make drama, so I made drama.
03:24Simple math.
03:26Have you ever seen Lady and the Tramp?
03:28No.
03:28And they, you've never seen Lady and the Tramp?
03:30No.
03:31There's this, like, really sexy scene where they have this, like, piece of spaghetti.
03:34Uh-huh.
03:35And then, like, the dogs, like, kiss.
03:37Um, so it's, like, two dogs kissing.
03:40I'm the lady here in this equation.
03:42Oh, sure.
03:43Yeah.
03:44So, I think between Plane and I, maybe there's a meatball.
03:49Or maybe there, I'll give you a different example.
03:52Um, have you seen, like, Two Girls, One Cup?
03:55Girl, can we talk about that kiss last night?
03:58Oh, let's not start a perfect day off with some fake news.
04:05Fake?
04:05Really?
04:06Yeah, girl.
04:07Do tell.
04:07Do tell.
04:08Shh.
04:10Petey?
04:11You okay?
04:13Thanks for asking.
04:15Oh, no.
04:16Oh, no.
04:16Oh, no.
04:17Child, what is it?
04:19Can I tell you something in confidence?
04:21What is it, child?
04:23Well, I have a huge crush on Augustus.
04:30The other PA?
04:32I don't know who Augustus is.
04:34I don't know.
04:34You know Augustus?
04:36I'll come pick him out of a crowd of two myself.
04:41He literally got you coffee yesterday.
04:44Yes.
04:44And he walked you back to your room after your whole go-go juice incident.
04:48Girl, after 10 years in Hollywood, all you PAs just blend together?
04:53Okay, well, I just really like him and I don't know how to tell him that I like him.
04:58Oh, honey, that's easy.
05:00It is?
05:01Yeah.
05:01Yeah, you can get any man through his stomach, girl.
05:04Okay, well, I don't know how to cook.
05:06Cook?
05:06No.
05:06No, no, no, no, no.
05:07Write this down.
05:08Write this down.
05:09PD, write this down.
05:10What you're going to do is you're going to go to the store, get some high-quality snacks.
05:13He'll make you a charcucci platter.
05:15Char-charcucci.
05:16Uh-huh.
05:17And then put on some Call of Duty.
05:18Game over.
05:19Heidi.
05:20What?
05:21Augustus is not an incel.
05:22His name is Augustus.
05:24To be fair, all you Gen Zs change your name like you change your underwear.
05:29One day you're a feather, the next day you're a rock.
05:32Do you really want to bag this twink?
05:35I really like Augustus, so does that include bagging?
05:39For me?
05:40Yeah, usually.
05:41Then I would like to bag Augustus.
05:43Oh, well, let's go.
05:45Let me show you.
05:46Come with me.
05:47Come with me.
05:48This is called The Art of Seduction.
05:55Gotta be sexy.
05:59Caress.
06:01Flirts.
06:02Lots of eye contact.
06:04You've got to provide the ultimate Dick Chateau experience.
06:08Dick Chateau?
06:11See?
06:12Oh, I'm so good at it.
06:14Oh, my God.
06:15Scary stuff.
06:16No, baby.
06:16No, baby.
06:17You have to nag him.
06:18I mean, really grind his gears.
06:20Be mean.
06:21Oh, okay.
06:22Yeah, say something mean.
06:23Ah, you just sit on your forehead, you bitch.
06:26I don't know what you just said.
06:27Say something else.
06:28You better go to the dermatologist because your breath stinks.
06:31No, I need more feeling.
06:33Your mom's a little whore, bitch.
06:35Okay, that was really good.
06:37That's the one.
06:37Yeah, really good.
06:38Oh, okay, okay, okay.
06:39Thank you, thank you.
06:40I will take all this and I will, I'll bag Augustus.
06:45Yes.
06:46Paper, not plastic.
06:47Recycle.
06:48Look at us helping the children.
06:49Cheers.
06:50Ew.
06:52Not a chance.
06:54Nope.
06:56Downhill.
06:56No, two bottoms.
07:00Hello, ladies.
07:01Welcome to the ultimate test of grace, poise, and unshakable tea handling skills.
07:08Today, you are not just queens, not just contestants.
07:12You are gladiators in the arena of elegance.
07:16Mm-hmm.
07:18You will walk the tightrope between sophistication and disaster because this is clock that tea.
07:26All of you have been clocked at what point or another in your careers, either for bad
07:31wigs, bad looks.
07:33Not a few, girl.
07:33Or bad vibes.
07:36I've struggled to form meaningful connections throughout most of my adult life.
07:41Why do you think that is?
07:42Girl, because people suck.
07:44Here's how it works.
07:45You will navigate a balance beam holding nothing but your precious cup of tea.
07:51One spiel and it's chaos.
07:53One misstep and it's curtains for you.
07:56A real tea tragedy.
07:58And if that wasn't enough, while you sashay and you stumble and you pirouette, I will
08:06be reading...
08:16I will be reading the nastiest, very nastiest, most scandalous social media comments about
08:22you allowed.
08:24Sister, you got some lip gloss?
08:26Girl, my lip.
08:27No, girl.
08:28But even if I did it, I still wouldn't give it to your germs, huh?
08:31I'm gonna win this challenge.
08:33Because it's what I do.
08:34Girl, please.
08:35The only thing you're winning with those knock-me's is a trip to the polio specialist.
08:39Okay, game on, bitch.
08:41Bring it, hooker.
08:42Bitch.
08:42This is actually really fun.
08:44Is it?
08:44Yeah.
08:45There's a story there.
08:47Plain and Scarlet?
08:48Exactly.
08:49Can we get the show on the road before the Scissor Sisters go at it?
08:52All right.
08:53Let's make them fuck.
08:54Choo-choo, we are not those kind of producers.
08:56Claymore, think about it.
08:58Two kind of attractive, youngish, white, twinkish drag queens hooking up on live television.
09:04Think of the numbers.
09:06No, no.
09:07These are actual people.
09:11Oh, it's the network.
09:14Trust me on this one.
09:16Wait, what are they?
09:17Hey, Kirsten.
09:18Jujubee.
09:19I think we need to get the condoms.
09:34Hey.
09:37Hey, it's for horses, you silly little bitch.
09:41Are you feeling okay?
09:42What?
09:43You deaf, dumb, or blind.
09:46Okay.
09:49What do you have there?
09:50Some real Fire of Primo shit.
09:53Yeah, I made this luxury charcucci board.
09:56I got some watermelon gushers.
09:58Pretty rare.
09:59Try some.
09:59Watermelon.
09:59Petey, I'm allergic to watermelon.
10:15Oh, you, yeah.
10:18What in the frat ex is going on in here?
10:20Uh, what is, what's all this?
10:30Hey, is my fanboy outfit clean?
10:33I want to surprise Enderia when she gets home.
10:35It's still in the wash.
10:36There was some weird gunk on it.
10:38I couldn't take it off.
10:39Give it like 30 more minutes.
10:41Sure.
10:42Is, uh, is Petey okay?
10:44I don't know.
10:45I've never seen him behave that way.
10:48Hmm.
11:00It's time to play Clockback Tea.
11:03Plain Jane, you're first.
11:06Period, bitch.
11:07Go get him.
11:09All right, Plain Jane.
11:10Okay, let's do this.
11:12Oh, this isn't too bad.
11:18Oh, I'm a little heavy for these small little things.
11:22At Glita Booty says,
11:24Plain Jane showed up to the runway
11:26like she was boarding Spirit Airlines.
11:29Pfft, please, bitch.
11:29I fly Delta.
11:31Shady.
11:32At Brown, holier-than-thou writes,
11:35she's the poor man's Jimbo.
11:38Poor man's Jimbo?
11:39That Barnum and Bailey freak
11:40couldn't hold a candle to me.
11:41Oh, my God.
11:42Oh, oh, oh.
11:52Those queens told you to do all that stuff,
11:55didn't they?
11:56Yes.
11:58Look, I think Augustus is really cool.
12:01I like him.
12:03Like, a lot.
12:04Like, I don't think I've liked anyone like this before.
12:06Okay, and you thought asking a bunch of drag queens
12:08was your best bet?
12:09Okay, don't pour salt in the wound, please.
12:12Okay, okay.
12:15Listen, I'm going to do something for you
12:17that I wish an elder gay would have done for me.
12:21What's that?
12:23I'm going to give you proper advice
12:25on how to tell someone you like them.
12:30Like, like, I don't have to take my shirt off?
12:33No, no.
12:35All you have to do is just be honest
12:38and make eye contact.
12:39But not in that weird sociopathic kind of way.
12:42Like, like 15 seconds?
12:43Oh, God, no.
12:44Like, 10.
12:4510.
12:45And then you need to do, like,
12:47a small romantic gesture, you know?
12:49Like, um,
12:51what's his...
12:51what's his favorite flower?
12:55Um, well, well, um,
12:58he does have a tattoo
13:00of a red rose on his upper thigh.
13:01Okay, bring him a red rose.
13:06Okay, so...
13:08honesty.
13:08Mm-hmm.
13:10Eye contact.
13:10And, um, a red rose.
13:12Yes, exactly, Petey.
13:14And then, look,
13:15all you have to do is just tell him
13:16that you think he's really cool
13:17and that you'd like to take him out
13:19on a date sometime.
13:22That's it?
13:24That's it.
13:27Wait, you're really cool!
13:30Well, thanks.
13:31You too, Petey.
13:32I wish you could stay here forever.
13:35Um...
13:35Um, well,
13:36I don't know about that.
13:37Me and Anjaria are kind of a...
13:39like a package deal, you know?
13:41So...
13:42if she goes,
13:43then I probably will be gone, too.
13:45God, I wish Augustus and I
13:47could have a love like yours and Anjaria's.
13:52Right.
13:55Scarlet Envy,
13:56Trinity,
13:58Heidi,
13:58who made her the jungle kitty?
14:00Who names themselves Anjaria?
14:03Fuck you.
14:03She could use better makeup.
14:05What a choice of color.
14:06Hot dog highway.
14:08Not those boots.
14:10Very, very untalented.
14:11Bad wig.
14:12She needs to let it go.
14:15Oh!
14:16Mmm!
14:19Mmm!
14:21You can use a better shade of lipstick.
14:25Rick.
14:27Her balance is always off.
14:30Definitely the definition of old.
14:33Oh!
14:35Guess who won this week's challenge?
14:37Yes, yours truly,
14:39Trinity the motherfucking Tuck.
14:41What's the saying?
14:42Sticks and stones may break your bones,
14:44but I will take out your entire family.
14:47Trinity the Tuck.
14:50This week your tea was not clocked.
14:52Congratulations, you are the winner.
14:55Put some respect on her motherfucking name.
14:58And now, a twist.
15:00In lieu of Father Discus and Alliance making
15:03in the mansion,
15:04you all will have to vote for the queen
15:06who has to go home.
15:08Oh.
15:09Now.
15:09Mm-hmm.
15:10You may start deliberating.
15:12Now.
15:13Now.
15:14What?
15:16Does anybody want to go home?
15:18For once.
15:19Not me.
15:20I'm like 50-50.
15:22I personally cannot.
15:23Well, now that I think about it,
15:26me and Kenny did run out of lube and poppers
15:28the other day.
15:29Okay, well, it's settled.
15:30What's settled?
15:31That you're going home, Miss Girl.
15:33We love you, though.
15:34That's not what I said, Miss Girl.
15:36I think you misunderstood.
15:38It is so kind of you, sister,
15:40to nominate yourself for self-elimination.
15:42Oh, my God.
15:43But I didn't, sister.
15:45I just said I ran out of damn lube and poppers.
15:48Shit.
15:51Honestly, it's her time to go.
15:53Like, she cannot afford to do any more overnights
15:55with her sugar baby.
15:56I've seen the bookings.
15:58We're looking out for her.
16:00All right, ladies.
16:01I will now tally the votes, okay?
16:04Unless any queen has an immunity pin she would like to use.
16:10Bye, buddy.
16:11Okay.
16:24It looks like you, queen.
16:26You shady, shady queens.
16:27I'll have agreed, because with the unanimous vote,
16:30it's Angeria.
16:32I'm really sorry, queen.
16:34I'm really sorry.
16:37Well, damn.
16:39Y'all some fake-ass bitches.
16:42I wish I could say this was fun,
16:44but it was not.
16:47But I hope none of y'all win,
16:49and you all get fungi infections in your damn wigs.
16:52Yeah, that's right.
16:53What's for dinner, girls?
16:54And I'm taking Kenny with me, fake-ass bitches.
16:58Kenny!
17:03Hey, bitch.
17:04Oh, hey.
17:06What's up?
17:07You know, just finishing up this glass.
17:10You look like you need another one, so...
17:11Absolutely.
17:12I just took the liberty.
17:14Yeah, thanks for topping me off.
17:17No problem.
17:19How you doing?
17:21You know, pretty good.
17:23You know, just enjoying the view
17:24and thinking about, you know, yesterday.
17:27Yesterday's little kiss.
17:28That you planted on me.
17:30You know, that was not my best work.
17:31Was it really?
17:32Yeah.
17:32Yeah, you could have fooled me.
17:37Yeah.
17:41Should we do it again, though?
17:44What?
17:46You know, for the cameras.
17:47Yeah, for the cameras.
17:49Yeah.
17:56Hey, girl.
18:02What's the cheese, girl?
18:03I'm bored.
18:05Should we play Truth or Dare?
18:06Sure.
18:07Or maybe Sons of Catan.
18:10What do you think?
18:11Yeah, I'm going to need the rest of this first.
18:14I'm on to you, bitch.
18:15I know exactly what you're doing,
18:17and I'm not letting you get away with it.
18:19Shut the fuck up, girl.
18:20I'm trying to help you.
18:22Why don't you just let the game play out the way it's supposed to?
18:26Do you want me to yell at you like your mom did?
18:28I'm a producer now.
18:30Oh, bra fucking O, bitch.
18:31Congratu-fucking-lations.
18:33Hope you can live with yourself once the show wraps.
18:35Oh, sweetie.
18:36I live just fine.
18:38I'm achieving excellence.
18:41You're a grade-A bitch is what you are.
18:44Okay.
18:45And?
18:50Next week in Drag House Rules.
18:53What's the theme?
18:54Sex.
18:55Sex?
18:56Oh, gay sex.
18:56I'm sorry.
18:57Go get her in 10 minutes.
18:59You go get her in 10 minutes.
19:00This is a reality show sweatshop, not summer camp.
19:03PD, no.
19:03PD.
19:04Traitor!
19:05Whipped cream Vaseline slip and slide mess.
19:09I'm going to get you.
19:10Can I practice doing the eye contact with you?
19:14No.
19:14Like three seconds?
19:15No.
19:15Five?
19:16No.
19:17Four?
19:17Practice on someone else.
19:18No, no, no.
19:19I'm good.
19:19Thanks.
19:19Can I practice the honesty with you?
19:22Okay.
19:24I once committed a hit and run.
19:28Can I be honest with you?
19:29Yeah.
19:29So did I.
19:30Really?
19:31Yeah.
19:34We get each other.
19:36I felt like there was a connection.
19:37Yeah.
19:38Like virtually.
19:38And I'm just here.
19:39I'll be here for you.
19:40I got you.
19:40Okay.
19:41You just don't think too hard.
19:42Remember honesty.
19:43Honesty.
19:44Maybe tell him that you did a hit and run.
19:46Tell him?
19:47Yeah.
19:48That's kind of cool.
19:49How's.
19:49Did you tell Nigeria?
19:51I'm going to.
19:53Okay.
19:53Yeah.
19:54Yeah.
19:55It was a family member.
19:57I was like.
19:59Should we just date?
20:00Should we just date?
20:00Should we just date?