- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:10To be continued...
00:00:37As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point.
00:00:43Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest,
00:00:52a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits.
00:00:59Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent.
00:01:06But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction, a dumbing down.
00:01:12How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.
00:01:17With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most and left
00:01:24the intelligent to become an endangered species.
00:01:28Having kids is such an important decision.
00:01:32We're just waiting for the right time. It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.
00:01:37No way.
00:01:38Oh shit, I'm pregnant again!
00:01:41Shit!
00:01:42I got too many damn kids!
00:01:44Thought you was on the pill or some shit!
00:01:45Hell no!
00:01:46Shit!
00:01:47Must've been thinking of Britney.
00:01:49Britney?!
00:01:49Don't you-
00:01:50What?!
00:01:51There's no way we could have a child now.
00:01:54Not with the market the way it is, no.
00:01:56Oh god, no.
00:01:56That just wouldn't make any sense.
00:01:58Come on over here, bitch!
00:02:00He don't care about you!
00:02:01Yeah, well there must be something he likes over here!
00:02:04You mean nothing to me, baby?!
00:02:07Oh shit!
00:02:08It wasn't me!
00:02:09It wasn't me!
00:02:10Well, we finally decided to have children, and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.
00:02:17And this is helping.
00:02:19I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to-
00:02:22It's always me, right?
00:02:24Well, it's not my sperm count.
00:02:27Yeah!
00:02:28Yeah!
00:02:28I'm gonna fuck all of you!
00:02:31That's my boy!
00:02:32Woo!
00:02:33Ah!
00:02:36Cleavon is lucky to be alive.
00:02:38He attempted to jump a jet ski from a lake into a swimming pool, and impaled his crotch on an
00:02:42iron gate.
00:02:43But, thanks to recent advances in stem cell research, and the fine work of doctors Krinsky and Altschuler,
00:02:48Cleavon should regain full reproductive function.
00:02:51Put your hands on my jug!
00:02:56Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination.
00:03:04But, I have some eggs frozen, so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know.
00:03:14And so it went for generations, although few, if any, seem to notice.
00:03:19But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C.,
00:03:25the simple army librarian was unknowingly about to change the entire course of human history.
00:03:39Hey Bowers, this is Peterson, your new replacement.
00:03:43My what? I'm getting replaced?
00:03:46Yeah, they didn't tell you?
00:03:47No.
00:03:48Some new assignment. They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.
00:03:51I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metzler that every time. I'm good at this.
00:03:55Good at what? Sitting on ass? No one ever comes in here.
00:04:00Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
00:04:04If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. I'm all set.
00:04:08Can you just get me out of this?
00:04:10No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.
00:04:13Jesus, I don't understand. Why me?
00:04:17Every time Metzler says, lead, follow, or get out of the way, I get out of the way.
00:04:20Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose get out of the way.
00:04:24It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.
00:04:28That doesn't embarrass me.
00:04:30Look, Joe, you don't have a choice. You're just gonna have to follow.
00:04:33Like, follow me upstairs, like now.
00:04:37Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?
00:04:40I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.
00:04:50Gentlemen, meet Joe Bowers.
00:04:53Our first subject for the human hibernation experiment.
00:04:56Now, as you know, throughout the years, many of our best pilots, soldiers, and military leaders
00:05:01often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.
00:05:04With the human hibernation project, we will be able to save our best men, frozen in their prime, for use
00:05:10when they are needed most.
00:05:11Joe here is not one of our best men.
00:05:15Mr. Bowers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.
00:05:19Extremely average in every category.
00:05:22Remarkable, truly.
00:05:23The most average person in our entire armed forces.
00:05:26Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried, is an only child, and both parents are deceased,
00:05:31making him an ideal candidate with no one to ask any nosy questions should something go wrong with the experiment.
00:05:36We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks, and were forced to look
00:05:43into the private sector.
00:05:46This is Rita.
00:05:47Like Joe, she has no immediate family.
00:05:49Rita agreed to participate in this experiment in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
00:05:55We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp, a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrade,
00:06:02which he spells thusly.
00:06:04With two Ds, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.
00:06:08Upgrade agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year and keep quiet on the matter in exchange for certain
00:06:13leeways with the local authorities in running his pimp game.
00:06:18First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
00:06:23Collins, can we skip to the technicals, please?
00:06:25Sure. Let me just finish here.
00:06:28You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.
00:06:32Collins!
00:06:35Fine. We'll move on.
00:06:37It is a fascinating world, though.
00:06:52Jesus, Collins!
00:06:56Yeah, that's...
00:07:00Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects are to be placed into a dry freeze for exactly one year
00:07:05is set to begin tomorrow.
00:07:07As you know, this is highly classified.
00:07:10However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.
00:07:21Well, this is kind of crazy, huh?
00:07:24What unit are you with?
00:07:26Oh, I'm in a service.
00:07:28Oh, private sector. Okay.
00:07:30So, uh, what do you do?
00:07:33A little of this, a little of that.
00:07:36Wow, that's great.
00:07:37You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way, you know, doing a little of this
00:07:41and a little of that.
00:07:42I, uh, had a neighbor, Glenn, who used to make chainsaw sculptures.
00:07:46And then he'd sell them at the flea market.
00:07:49Yeah.
00:07:52So, uh, you an artist or something?
00:07:56Uh, yeah.
00:07:57You do paintings or...?
00:07:59Yeah, paintings.
00:08:01Okay, great.
00:08:03Mm-hmm.
00:08:04What do you paint mostly?
00:08:07I don't know, just...
00:08:09people and fruit and shit.
00:08:12Oh.
00:08:14Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.
00:08:17Yeah, well, it's not all that's cracked up to be.
00:08:20Okay, who wants to go first?
00:08:21Me.
00:08:28What the f...
00:08:29Oh, hell no.
00:08:31Uh-uh, hell no.
00:08:31Oh, hey, no, you know, you probably don't want to do that with the IVs attached and all.
00:08:35Well, what's the matter?
00:08:36Man, Upgrade didn't tell me they'd be putting me no damn carving with tubes and shit!
00:08:40No, no, no, don't worry about it.
00:08:42It'll be safe, trust me.
00:08:43Wh-wh-wh-who's Upgrade?
00:08:46He's my boyfriend.
00:08:48Man, how do you know this shit's safe?
00:08:50These guys, they know what they're doing.
00:08:51Don't worry.
00:08:52They've tested it on dogs and everything.
00:08:54What happens is, the drugs will kick in, drift off to sleep, we wake up in a year, you'll be
00:08:58painting again.
00:08:59It'll be fine.
00:09:01All right.
00:09:02Upgrade.
00:09:03That's an interesting name.
00:09:04Is he Dutch?
00:09:06See, cause I knew this Dutch exchange student.
00:09:09His name was Oontgrad.
00:09:11Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.
00:09:13Just go ahead and lie down.
00:09:15Relax.
00:09:25See you in a year.
00:09:27The Human Hibernation Project was one of the Army's most ambitious experiments, and one of its most secretive.
00:09:34The Human Hibernation Project was not immune from human error.
00:09:35But it was not immune from human error.
00:09:50Soon after Colin's arrest, and the massive scandal that followed, the base was closed.
00:09:56It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten.
00:10:03Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind.
00:10:07As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed, and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.
00:10:23Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution.
00:10:28But sadly, the greatest minds and resources were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.
00:10:38Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems,
00:10:48like garbage,
00:10:50which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever, leading to the great garbage avalanche of 2505,
00:10:58which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever.
00:11:13what are the best wifes doing to help us to attack?
00:11:20Go!
00:11:20Go!
00:11:22X-fix!
00:11:22Go!
00:11:23All the fuck!
00:11:26Go!
00:11:28Go!
00:11:31Go!
00:11:35Oh
00:12:04Oh
00:12:35Oh
00:12:36Where's officer Collins?
00:12:37Shut up
00:12:41Are we on base?
00:12:43I don't base your ass on my piss
00:12:46Face
00:12:49I'm sorry. It's just where am I? Shut up. I told you already
00:13:00Yeah
00:13:02Well shut up
00:13:23I
00:13:23Unaware of what year it was Joe wandered the streets desperate for help
00:13:29But the english language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly
00:13:33Valley girl inner city slang and various crumbs
00:13:37Joe was able to understand them but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to
00:13:45them
00:14:14You
00:14:15You
00:14:17You
00:14:17You
00:14:17You
00:14:18Your floor is now clean.
00:14:20Your floor is now clean.
00:14:21Your floor is now clean.
00:14:23Hi, uh...
00:14:25I was in an army experiment,
00:14:27and I'm not feeling so well.
00:14:29I think it might have been the drugs they had me on.
00:14:31I've been hallucinating.
00:14:33My head is just killing me.
00:14:36My joints are all achy, and I...
00:14:40Is this a hospital?
00:14:42Actually, I don't even know where I am.
00:14:46Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right,
00:14:49and have a healthy day.
00:14:50Oh.
00:14:52Thanks. Thank you!
00:15:06Uh, excuse me.
00:15:07I think this might be Gatorade or something.
00:15:09I was just looking for some regular water.
00:15:12Water? Yeah.
00:15:13You mean like in the toilet?
00:15:14What for?
00:15:16Uh...
00:15:16Just to... to drink.
00:15:26You got hepatitis.
00:15:28Oh, is someone not feeling well?
00:15:31Your illness is very important to us.
00:15:34Next.
00:15:34Welcome to the Health Master Inferno.
00:15:37Powered by Pure Me Technology.
00:15:38This goes in your mouth.
00:15:40This one goes in your ear.
00:15:42And...
00:15:43This one goes in your butt.
00:15:46Come on.
00:15:48Hurry up, asshole!
00:15:49Come on!
00:15:53Shit, hang on a second.
00:15:56This one...
00:16:00Uh...
00:16:00Hurry up!
00:16:02Hurry up!
00:16:02This one...
00:16:03This one goes in your mouth.
00:16:07Come on!
00:16:08Come on!
00:16:13Thank you for waiting.
00:16:15Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
00:16:22It's a weird misprint.
00:16:26Hey!
00:16:28How's it going, Essie?
00:16:30Yeah, right.
00:16:30Uh, well...
00:16:31Not so good.
00:16:32You know, I...
00:16:33I don't really know what's going on, but...
00:16:34I'm seeing things.
00:16:36I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on.
00:16:39But if you could, uh...
00:16:40Just get me well enough to get back to base.
00:16:42Right.
00:16:44Kick ass.
00:16:46Well...
00:16:46Don't want to sound like a dick or nothing, but, uh...
00:16:49It says on your chart that you're fucked up.
00:16:51Uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.
00:16:54What I do is just like...
00:16:57Like...
00:16:58You know...
00:16:59Like...
00:16:59You know what I mean?
00:17:00Like...
00:17:02No, I'm serious here.
00:17:04Oh!
00:17:05Don't worry, Skrull.
00:17:06There are plenty of tards out there living really kick ass lives.
00:17:09My first wife was tarded.
00:17:11She's a pilot now.
00:17:12I-I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay?
00:17:15I-I need help.
00:17:17There's that fag talk we talked about.
00:17:19Uh, right.
00:17:19So that'll be...
00:17:20This many dollars.
00:17:22And if you could just go ahead and like...
00:17:24Put your tattoo in that shit.
00:17:26That's weird.
00:17:27This thing has the same misprint as that magazine.
00:17:30What are the odds of...
00:17:31Where's your tattoo?
00:17:32Tattoo.
00:17:34Why don't you have this?
00:17:39Oh, God.
00:17:44Where's your tattoo?
00:17:45Oh, my God.
00:17:46Why come you don't have a tattoo?
00:17:49Oh, my God.
00:17:51You're not unscannable, are you?
00:17:54Oh, my God!
00:17:56You're unscannable.
00:18:00Unscannable!
00:18:01Hey! No, you don't understand!
00:18:02You gotta let me talk to someone in the army!
00:18:04Wait a second.
00:18:05They're all dead.
00:18:06Everybody I know is dead!
00:18:08Oh, my God!
00:18:11No, that's no confusion!
00:18:13No...
00:18:13Come on!
00:18:14How'd this happen?
00:18:17You...
00:18:19No...
00:18:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:18:41Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.
00:18:45The economy was in a state of deep neglect.
00:18:49A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies,
00:18:52and the number one movie in the country was called Ass.
00:18:58And that's all it was for 90 minutes.
00:19:03It won eight Oscars that year,
00:19:06including as a screenplay.
00:19:12Enjoy your extra big-ass fries.
00:19:16You didn't give me no fries. I got an empty box.
00:19:18Would you like another extra big-ass fries?
00:19:22I said I didn't get any.
00:19:23Thank you. Your account has been charged.
00:19:25Your balance is zero.
00:19:27Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
00:19:30Oh, no, no!
00:19:30I'm sorry you're having trouble.
00:19:31Come on!
00:19:32My kids are starving!
00:19:37This should help you calm down.
00:19:39Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
00:19:43Your kids are starving.
00:19:45Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry.
00:19:47You are an unfit mother.
00:19:49Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
00:19:52Carl's Jr.
00:19:53Fuck you.
00:19:54I'm eating.
00:19:56Welcome to Carl's Jr.
00:19:58Would you like to try our extra big-ass taco?
00:20:01Now with more molecules.
00:20:04Hey!
00:20:05Is this particular individual the unfit mother?
00:20:07Me? No.
00:20:08Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
00:20:14Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment.
00:20:19Wait a sec. There's the other pod from the army experiment.
00:20:22There was a girl, she was from the same experiment.
00:20:23Would you just stop by that?
00:20:24Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.
00:20:25He got on the drugs.
00:20:26Ow!
00:20:27Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill and not having his UPC tattoo.
00:20:33He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind, but had become rather retarded as well.
00:20:42It's up!
00:20:45Now, I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here.
00:20:49We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here.
00:20:53Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money, we have proprietarily obtained for you one of them court
00:21:02-appointed lawyers.
00:21:04So put your hands together and give it up for...
00:21:07Rico!
00:21:08Pendejo!
00:21:10You're my lawyer?
00:21:12Since here you, uh, robbed a hospital?
00:21:16Why'd you do that?
00:21:17Yeah, I'm not guilty.
00:21:19That's not what the other lawyer said.
00:21:20What do you mean with that? Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay? I can explain everything.
00:21:24We can take him to your house, we'll show him the pod that I came here.
00:21:26Get up! Get up! Get up!
00:21:28Nah.
00:21:29Prosecute him.
00:21:30Why you think you done it?
00:21:32Okay, number one, your honor.
00:21:34Just look at him.
00:21:37He talks like a fag, too.
00:21:39And B, we've got all this, like, evidence of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital.
00:21:47True.
00:21:47And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo.
00:21:50I know!
00:21:51And I'm off.
00:21:52You've gotta be shitting me.
00:21:54But check this out, man.
00:21:55Judge should be, like, guilty.
00:21:58Peace.
00:21:58Yeah!
00:22:03Objection!
00:22:04What are you objectifying on?
00:22:06Come on, just get me on the stand now.
00:22:08Okay.
00:22:09Um, your honor, I object that this guy also broke my apartment to shit.
00:22:18Yeah.
00:22:19What?
00:22:20And you know what else?
00:22:21I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me after he pays back all the money he
00:22:26stole from the hospital.
00:22:28Don't say I stole.
00:22:29You're my lawyer.
00:22:30And I object.
00:22:31I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Owl My Ball!
00:22:36That is not okay!
00:22:38That I ripped my cake!
00:22:39Well, your honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir.
00:22:42I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up.
00:22:45No, please listen.
00:22:46Please listen.
00:22:48I didn't steal anything.
00:22:50I was part of an army experiment.
00:22:51Joe stated his case logically and passionately, but his perceived effeminate voice only through big gales of stupid laughter.
00:22:59You did!
00:23:01Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence.
00:23:06Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession was a lot easier when the world is populated
00:23:13by morons.
00:23:14Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. government, long distance.
00:23:18Please say the name of the person you wish to call.
00:23:21Upgrade.
00:23:23There are 9,726 listings for upgrade.
00:23:28Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.
00:23:30Aw, yeah, baby.
00:23:31Hey, look, look, can you just, can you wait a second, please?
00:23:35Oh, yeah, baby.
00:23:36I can wait so good.
00:23:40Really?
00:23:42Think, uh, you think maybe you could wait a day?
00:23:45Baby, I can wait two days.
00:23:47Huh.
00:23:48That's good.
00:23:50Because I charge by the hour.
00:23:52Oh, yeah?
00:23:53Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby.
00:23:55Thank you very much, young man.
00:24:00What the fuck?
00:24:01Goddamn shit's changed in a year.
00:24:05What are we doing here?
00:24:07Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo.
00:24:12Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America.
00:24:16Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle.
00:24:23Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card.
00:24:27Document number G24LA.
00:24:29Well, I'm not sure if you are.
00:24:31You have entered the name Not Sure.
00:24:33Is this correct?
00:24:34Not Sure.
00:24:35No, it's not correct.
00:24:37Not is correct.
00:24:38Is Sure.
00:24:39Correct?
00:24:40No, it's not.
00:24:41My name is Joe.
00:24:42You already confirmed your first name is Not.
00:24:44Please confirm your last name.
00:24:46Sure.
00:24:47My last name is Not Sure.
00:24:50Not Sure.
00:24:51No, what I mean is that my name is Joe...
00:24:53Confirmation is complete.
00:24:54Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
00:24:59Wait a second.
00:25:00Can we start over?
00:25:01Can I cancel this?
00:25:02Can...
00:25:02Can we cancel this and just go back and begin it?
00:25:05They're gonna...
00:25:06Ow!
00:25:06Could I speak to your supervisor?
00:25:09Please hold still for your photograph.
00:25:25Okay, sir.
00:25:26Now we will begin to proceed to obtain your IQ and aptitude tests.
00:25:31What for?
00:25:33Okay, sir.
00:25:34This is to figure out what your aptitude's good at, and get you a jail job while you're
00:25:39being a particular individual in jail.
00:25:42If you have one bucket that holds two gallons, and another bucket that holds five gallons,
00:25:48how many buckets do you have?
00:25:52Two?
00:26:03Lord, I wonder what's got the matter
00:26:06Time over time
00:26:08It's seen like the hours
00:26:10Everything can change, but I hold my hand
00:26:16Lord, I'm trying to make you understand
00:26:21Lord, you know what, everybody they tell me
00:26:25Somebody in hoodoo, the hoodoo man
00:26:30Now you know what, I buzzed your bell this morning
00:26:32Baby, I had your elevator running slow
00:26:35I buzzed your bell, I got to take my point to a third floor
00:26:39But I hold my hand
00:26:42Lord, I'm trying to make you understand
00:26:47Lord, you know what, they tell the baby
00:26:51There's somebody in hoodoo, the hoodoo man
00:26:54Look at him, baby
00:26:58Desperate and scared, Joe used his superior intelligence
00:27:03To come up with the best escape plan he could think of
00:27:06Hi, excuse me, I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir
00:27:15You're in the wrong line, dumbass
00:27:17Over there
00:27:18I'm sorry, I ain't being a big dumbass
00:27:20Sorry
00:27:21Hey, uh, let this dumbass through
00:27:39Two
00:27:44Uh, uh, yeah, I don't see you in here
00:27:46So you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison
00:27:49Could you check again?
00:27:51Because I was, you know, I was definitely in prison, okay
00:27:54I got sad on my face and everything
00:27:56Maybe check those files back there
00:28:16Come back
00:28:18Oh, baby, come back
00:28:23Come back
00:28:31The Masturbation Network
00:28:33Keepin' America baitin' for 300 years
00:28:35And now, sweet bang tube
00:28:39Oh, yeah, give me some
00:28:41Cut me a piece
00:28:44Oh, you, that's
00:28:46Go away, baitin'
00:28:50Damn it
00:28:53All right
00:28:56Hey, hey, get outta here
00:28:58Hey, get outta here
00:28:59No way, listen
00:29:00You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail
00:29:03So?
00:29:04Shut up
00:29:05You broke my house
00:29:07Hey, I could have you disbarred
00:29:08Disbarred
00:29:09For what you did to me
00:29:10Then maybe you'd go to jail
00:29:11For not having any money
00:29:12Oh, really?
00:29:14Yeah, really
00:29:15Now, look
00:29:16Okay, here's the deal
00:29:17I've been thinkin'
00:29:19It's been 500 years
00:29:20Someone has to have invented a way
00:29:21To travel back in time by now
00:29:22You know, I think they were pretty close
00:29:23Even in my day
00:29:24You know, with Einstein
00:29:26And guys like that
00:29:27You know, scientists
00:29:28You know
00:29:31A time machine for time travel
00:29:33Do they have one?
00:29:35What?
00:29:40Jesus
00:29:41I knew that was too much to hope for
00:29:45No, no, they got a time machine
00:29:47They do?
00:29:48Yeah
00:29:48Are you sure?
00:29:50Yeah
00:29:50Can you get me back to 2005?
00:29:52Oh, yeah, but it's like really expensive
00:29:54And it breaks all the time
00:29:55Because some smart guy made it a long time ago
00:29:57I don't care
00:29:58Just get me there, okay?
00:30:00Please
00:30:01Listen, I supersized with you
00:30:04But didn't you go to jail
00:30:05For not having enough money?
00:30:07Okay, how about this
00:30:08You get me to the time machine
00:30:10And when I get back
00:30:11I open a savings account in your name
00:30:13That way, 500 years later
00:30:14It'll be worth billions
00:30:16Billions!
00:30:17Because?
00:30:17Because of the interest
00:30:18It'll be worth billions of dollars
00:30:20Oh, I like money
00:30:22Yeah
00:30:22How many billions?
00:30:24Like, ten
00:30:25Yeah, suck one
00:30:27Time machine costs like 20
00:30:28Yeah, okay
00:30:29Uh, 30, Frito
00:30:3230 billion dollars
00:30:3430 billion
00:30:35So
00:30:36If you gave me 30 billion
00:30:38And the time machine is 20
00:30:40What's the minus of 30 and 20?
00:30:43Uh
00:30:44It's, uh
00:30:45It's 80, Frito
00:30:46It's 80 billion dollars
00:30:47That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
00:30:48Yeah
00:30:48I like money, though
00:30:50Police, open the door
00:30:52We're looking for an escaped individual
00:30:54This particular individual's name is not sure
00:30:57Um, he, he's somewhere else
00:31:01Uh, somewhere else
00:31:03Oh, yeah, there's pro wear on the top and a sword in the middle
00:31:06A cut machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo
00:31:08Seem to be heading for this particular domostyle
00:31:11Okay, sir, we're coming in
00:31:12No, you can't come in
00:31:14Can't too?
00:31:15All right, let's go get my billions
00:31:19Oh, okay
00:31:20One more thing up
00:31:21We gotta go find this
00:31:22Frito first, okay?
00:31:23Is she banging?
00:31:25Yeah, sure she is
00:31:26That wasn't really part of the deal
00:31:28Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right?
00:31:31I like money
00:31:32Okay, her pod's up here on the right
00:31:33She shouldn't be too far away, I hope
00:31:36Hmm, girl
00:31:37Oh, yeah
00:31:38So when are we gonna do it?
00:31:40Because you've been charging me by the hour
00:31:41And it's been like three days
00:31:43Oh, yeah, soon, baby, soon
00:31:45Hey, you know what?
00:31:47Why don't you come back tomorrow?
00:31:50Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah
00:31:52Yeah?
00:31:52And I finally utilize you
00:31:54You're gonna be paying me
00:31:55That's right
00:31:56Whatever you say, sir
00:31:59Hey, are you still on the clock?
00:32:00Yeah, girl
00:32:02Thank you
00:32:04Rita!
00:32:04Rita!
00:32:05It's me, Joe
00:32:06From the experiment
00:32:07Get in the car, come on
00:32:08Oh, yeah
00:32:09Hey, what the hell, man?
00:32:11Just get in the car
00:32:11I'll explain everything
00:32:12Where are we going?
00:32:14Just get in the car
00:32:15We have a little army guy
00:32:20Wait a minute
00:32:21You got cops after you?
00:32:22Yeah
00:32:23And you made me get in the car?
00:32:25I got two strikes, asshole
00:32:26Frito, take it right here
00:32:27Right, right
00:32:28Into that dust storm, Frito
00:32:36You must have just forgotten about us
00:32:38It's been 500 years?
00:32:40Oh, hell no
00:32:41Upgrade, you're gonna kill me
00:32:43He gets me out when I'm a day late with his money
00:32:46So you owe your boyfriend money?
00:32:47Well, yeah
00:32:48He's sort of my manager, too
00:32:51You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit
00:32:54Look, Rita
00:32:55You gotta understand that
00:32:57Upgrade's been dead for a long time now
00:32:59Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right?
00:33:01Yeah
00:33:02Yeah, there's a time machine now
00:33:04That can take us back to the past
00:33:05But there was no time machine back then
00:33:07So
00:33:08Upgrade don't care where the time machine is
00:33:09Now, damn, last week
00:33:11He won't find a way to come get his money
00:33:14Well, all I'm saying is
00:33:15You don't have to worry about it
00:33:16You know what?
00:33:17The last time you told me not to worry
00:33:18Was 500 goddamn years ago
00:33:20When you were trying to tell me to get in some sort of tricked out army coffin
00:33:22Look, Rita
00:33:22I don't know how this happened, okay
00:33:24But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay
00:33:26I promise you
00:33:27You are hovering a fugitive by the name of
00:33:29Not Sure
00:33:31Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger
00:33:34Oh, hell no
00:33:35You know what?
00:33:35You gotta let me have out of here
00:33:36Right now
00:33:37If you don't have one of these
00:33:38They're gonna throw you in jail
00:33:39Trust me, you don't want to get thrown in the jails they got around here
00:33:41I've been in them, they're bad
00:33:42You're better off being with us as bad as that sounds
00:33:44Wait, what are you doing?
00:33:46Why are we slowing down?
00:33:46Turned off my battery
00:33:54Look, how far is it?
00:33:55Can we just take a cab or something?
00:34:00Holy shit
00:34:09Holy shit
00:34:11Holy shit
00:34:14What's wrong with you?
00:34:16That's your car
00:34:16Oh, hell yeah
00:34:32Hey, how much farther is it?
00:34:36Uh, flight
00:34:37Far
00:34:39Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know
00:34:41Yeah, well I really don't think we have time for a handjob, Joe
00:34:45Jesus
00:34:49Man, he don't seem too bright
00:34:52You sure he knows where he's going?
00:34:53I sure hope so
00:34:55It's our only chance
00:34:58How'd you hook up with this guy anyway?
00:35:00He's my lawyer
00:35:02And he's not a very good one either
00:35:04He's a goddamned idiot
00:35:06There's a saddle down in the Costco
00:35:09Drop us right by the time machine
00:35:30Oh, look, one more thing
00:35:32He thinks he's going to get billions of dollars if he takes us there
00:35:35So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay?
00:35:39Yeah, well, what this time machine don't work?
00:35:42Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it
00:35:49Welcome to Costco, I love you
00:35:52Welcome to Costco, I love you
00:35:55Welcome to Costco, I love you
00:35:58Welcome to Costco
00:35:59The shuttle's down there in electronics about an hour from here
00:36:11We've been walking forever, are you sure you know where you're going?
00:36:14Yeah, I know this place pretty good
00:36:15I went to law school here
00:36:17In Costco?
00:36:19Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself
00:36:20Luckily my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings
00:36:26Hey, come on, Joe
00:36:28I already told you, we'd all like a handjob
00:36:30But we don't have time for it
00:36:51Shuttle comes every few minutes
00:36:53Shouldn't be long
00:36:55Do I got time to use the bathroom?
00:37:01The toilet
00:37:02Be right back
00:37:04Yeah, back that thing up
00:37:05Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
00:37:08What?
00:37:09I like having sex with chicks
00:37:10Yeah
00:37:11Yeah, I think everybody does, Frito
00:37:12Not like I do
00:37:13Like when you get it like this sideways
00:37:16Then you just like back it
00:37:18That's real good
00:37:19Oh yeah
00:37:20Stop, you're going to get a Chicago
00:37:22Warning, warning
00:37:23Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702
00:37:27Hey, what about Rita?
00:37:28We can't just leave her here
00:37:29I don't care
00:37:32Oh shit
00:37:34Wait a second, what are we going to do?
00:37:36Wait, okay, I know
00:37:37Here's what we do
00:37:38We just go to the time machine
00:37:39Then when I get back to the past
00:37:41I tell her not to do the experiment
00:37:42Then she won't even be here
00:37:43That'll work, right?
00:37:44Uh
00:37:45No, please stand clear
00:37:46She already is here
00:37:47So that must mean I didn't go back in time, right?
00:37:50Please stand clear
00:37:50No, but hold on
00:37:51It just means I haven't done it yet
00:37:52Okay, so I go back
00:37:54And I tell her not to do the experiment
00:37:56Then I won't have to do it either
00:37:57Because she won't be here
00:37:58Then I won't have to come back and save her, right?
00:38:00Please stand clear
00:38:01But then, wait, why am I still here?
00:38:03God damn, how does the time travel work?
00:38:06Please stand clear
00:38:07Freeze!
00:38:07Hands up!
00:38:08Oh!
00:38:09Get your hands up!
00:38:10You're right, you're free!
00:38:23Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail
00:38:25Just go ahead and shoot me
00:38:26Because there's no way
00:38:27Ow!
00:38:28Fuck!
00:38:29Ow!
00:38:30Ow!
00:38:31Ow!
00:38:31Ow!
00:38:35What?
00:38:36Ow!
00:38:37Ow!
00:38:37Ow!
00:38:37Got it!
00:38:38Stop!
00:38:40What is this?
00:38:42Okay, sir
00:38:43This is the White House
00:38:44What are we doing at the White House?
00:38:46What?
00:38:47Ow!
00:38:48Ow!
00:38:48Ow!
00:38:48It turned out
00:38:49the results of Joe's IQ test
00:38:52had caught the attention
00:38:54of the highest levels of government.
00:38:56Okay, wait a minute.
00:38:58I'm the smartest guy in the world?
00:38:59Says who?
00:39:00The IQ test you took in prison.
00:39:02You got the highest score in history.
00:39:04Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
00:39:06Yeah, dumbass.
00:39:07You've been smarter than President Camacho.
00:39:08That's how come he's making you Secretary of Interior.
00:39:11Okay, so who are you?
00:39:13I'm the Secretary of Energy.
00:39:15I won a contest.
00:39:16Got to be a cabinet member.
00:39:18I'm the Secretary of State.
00:39:20Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
00:39:21Why do you keep saying that?
00:39:23Because they pay me every time I do.
00:39:24It's a really good way to make money.
00:39:26You're so smart.
00:39:27Why don't you know that?
00:39:30The Secretary of Defense.
00:39:32Huh?
00:39:33And the fun bags over there
00:39:35is the Attorney General.
00:39:36Hi.
00:39:38And that's the Secretary of Education.
00:39:42It's kind of stupid,
00:39:43but he's President Camacho's stepbrother.
00:39:45Still does a pretty good job, eh?
00:39:48You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake
00:39:51because the test I took was real, real easy.
00:39:54I am not the smartest guy in the world.
00:39:57Okay?
00:40:03Okay, even if that were true,
00:40:04I can't be the Secretary of the Interior.
00:40:06I don't even know what it is.
00:40:07Better find out.
00:40:09Sit down.
00:40:10President Camacho.
00:40:11Hey, hey, hey, hey, yo, um,
00:40:13I gotta take care of some business, baby,
00:40:14so I need y'all to wait outside.
00:40:16Duane Elizondo Camacho,
00:40:18five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion,
00:40:21porn superstar,
00:40:23and President of the United States,
00:40:25had called a special summit
00:40:26with the smartest man in the world.
00:40:28So you smart, huh?
00:40:30No, no.
00:40:34I thought your hair would be bigger.
00:40:40God damn.
00:40:42Could look like a peanut.
00:40:44Let's get you sworn in.
00:41:00Ladies and gentlemen,
00:41:01the President of America!
00:41:07President Camacho!
00:41:13Shut up! Shut up!
00:41:16Shut your monkey ass down.
00:41:17Chill out.
00:41:24Shit!
00:41:26I know shit's bad right now,
00:41:28with all that starving bullshit,
00:41:30and the dust storms,
00:41:31and we running out of french fries
00:41:33and burrito coverings.
00:41:34Yeah.
00:41:35But I got a solution.
00:41:37That's what you said last time, dipshit!
00:41:39I got a solution?
00:41:40You're a dick!
00:41:41Top Carolina!
00:41:42What's up?
00:41:51That's what I thought!
00:41:56Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now,
00:41:59but listen up.
00:42:01I got a three-point plan to fix everything.
00:42:04Bring it down!
00:42:05Who about y'all?
00:42:06Number one,
00:42:07we got this guy not sure.
00:42:11Number two,
00:42:12he's got a higher IQ than any man alive.
00:42:16And number three,
00:42:17he's gonna fix everything.
00:42:20I give you my word as president.
00:42:24He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops.
00:42:26He's gonna make them grow again.
00:42:29And that ain't all.
00:42:31I give you my word.
00:42:35He's gonna fix the dust storms too.
00:42:39And I give you my word.
00:42:42He's gonna fix the economy.
00:42:48He's so smart.
00:42:49He's gonna do it all in one week.
00:42:55President Camacho stood before the world
00:42:58and promised everyone that Joe would solve all their problems.
00:43:02He would not only end the dust bowl
00:43:04and heal the economy,
00:43:06but he would cure acne and car sickness as well.
00:43:10And if he didn't,
00:43:12President Camacho made another promise.
00:43:14He would kick Joe's smart balls
00:43:16all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.
00:43:18And then he would throw his brainy ass back in jail.
00:43:26I should be honest with you, Mr. President.
00:43:28I don't know how to be secretary of anything.
00:43:30I mean, I've never even voted, actually.
00:43:32I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is.
00:43:35Come on, scrope.
00:43:36Don't be a pussy.
00:43:38It beats jail, don't it?
00:43:39Besides, you do a kick-ass job,
00:43:42you get a full presidential party.
00:43:45No jail time.
00:43:47Yeah?
00:43:48Fuck yeah!
00:43:50Now give me a beer.
00:43:51Now get you one, too.
00:43:59Shit!
00:44:01Hold on, Vato!
00:44:03Whoa!
00:44:05Whoa!
00:44:07Whoa!
00:44:24Do something smart.
00:44:26Eh.
00:44:28Uh, okay.
00:44:30Uh, I'll, uh...
00:44:34Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
00:44:36Oh, okay, great.
00:44:38Thanks.
00:44:38Uh, right now I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel.
00:44:43You understand?
00:44:44So I'll be right back.
00:44:45I'm gonna go, uh, just work on some crap stuff, get that taken care of.
00:44:48Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here.
00:44:51Sounds pretty smart.
00:44:53Right here, okay?
00:44:54Stay there.
00:44:55Dude, this is trepidatious.
00:44:57You dropped me a room at the White House.
00:44:58Everyone gets laid at the White House.
00:45:00Everyone.
00:45:00Yeah?
00:45:00Yeah.
00:45:01Well, I'm real glad you're happy to be here for you, but I brought you here to help me,
00:45:04okay?
00:45:05I don't know the first thing about growing crops, much less the goddamn economy.
00:45:10Econ- economy.
00:45:11Let's see.
00:45:13Growing crops.
00:45:14No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.
00:45:18Oh, that's easy.
00:45:19Well, you go down by the museum and stuff.
00:45:22It's like, it's like by the museum.
00:45:24Sort of, but actually not really.
00:45:27More like the, on the street, you go, um, wait, let me start over.
00:45:31Okay, you know where the time machine is?
00:45:33Hey, just draw me a map, okay?
00:45:37You still want the money?
00:45:39Oh, if I had the money and a room at the White House, I would be like, it's mine.
00:45:43This is all night.
00:45:46Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay?
00:45:49So act smart.
00:45:50Smart like you?
00:45:51Oh, I gotta go to the time machine.
00:45:54I wanna go home.
00:45:55I don't talk like that.
00:45:56I don't talk like that.
00:45:58Shit, I thought there was two of you.
00:46:00Ha!
00:46:01See?
00:46:02It doesn't look that big, is it?
00:46:04Okay, let's go take a look at those crops.
00:46:07Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area.
00:46:12All right?
00:46:14Hey, come on.
00:46:16Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way, all right?
00:46:22Whoa.
00:46:23Did you just make that up?
00:46:25Yes, I did.
00:46:27Now, look, I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately, and, uh,
00:46:30Frito will give you a hand with it.
00:46:32Why?
00:46:34Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential integral asset, you know, for our team, for
00:46:41us to, uh, you know, utilize.
00:46:50Utilize.
00:46:51Utilize.
00:46:54Utilize.
00:46:57You're gonna bring her here, right?
00:46:58Oh, yeah.
00:47:03Utilize me.
00:47:05Okay.
00:47:19Uh, yeah.
00:47:21That sucks pretty bad.
00:47:22Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this.
00:47:25Come on, hustle over here, buddy.
00:47:27I want to figure this out.
00:47:28Let's see, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
00:47:30Have you got the map?
00:47:32Oh, yeah.
00:47:38Discreetly.
00:47:39Right there.
00:47:40Nice.
00:47:41Stand up.
00:47:42Close me.
00:47:44Yo, that's the secretary's not sure.
00:47:46They found that whore you wanted.
00:47:47Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on.
00:47:50No, sir.
00:47:51Turns out she charged some guy a lot of money and didn't put out.
00:47:55Don't worry, though.
00:47:56We'll get her out on a work-release whoring license as long as you're doing her.
00:47:59Hands off me.
00:48:00What do you think I'm gonna do?
00:48:01Run through the field?
00:48:02What the fuck are you off, Danny?
00:48:05Joe?
00:48:06That's not sure, ma'am.
00:48:08Secretary, not sure.
00:48:09Secretary?
00:48:10Secretary of what?
00:48:11Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together?
00:48:14Alone.
00:48:16You know, in the bushes.
00:48:21Oh, man.
00:48:24Oh, yeah!
00:48:32Hey, you want us to come along and make sure she puts out?
00:48:35No, thanks.
00:48:35I can handle it.
00:48:36Yeah.
00:48:37I thought you was in jail.
00:48:38How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
00:48:40Just keep walking.
00:48:41I'll explain everything.
00:48:52Okay, get ready to run.
00:48:55What?
00:48:56Oh, God damn it.
00:48:58Way to go, Fredo.
00:48:59Oh.
00:48:59You know what?
00:49:00Just make a run for it anyways.
00:49:02We'll ask for directions on the way.
00:49:03No way, man.
00:49:03I spent the last two days looking for her.
00:49:05It ain't easy to find.
00:49:06Damn it.
00:49:06I can't go back to jail, and I sure as hell can't solve all these problems.
00:49:09Well, all I know is I better find Upgrade before he finds me.
00:49:12Listen to me.
00:49:13Upgrade cannot find you, okay?
00:49:14It's impossible.
00:49:15Oh, yeah?
00:49:16Yeah, and even if Upgrade could somehow magically travel through time, we got Secret Service
00:49:21guys with huge guns protecting us, okay?
00:49:23So don't worry.
00:49:24You're safe.
00:49:25And you know what?
00:49:26It's none of my business, but when we get back, you and Upgrade should seriously think
00:49:30about couples counseling, okay?
00:49:31And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
00:49:36Hey!
00:49:38She not putting out?
00:49:39Uh, no, she is.
00:49:42We already did it.
00:49:44Yeah.
00:49:44Yeah, yeah, he was great.
00:49:48Okay.
00:49:49Hey, a couple of us guys were wondering, uh, if we go family style on her.
00:49:57Uh, yeah, probably not right now.
00:49:59We should focus on the crops, so let's get back to work.
00:50:02Maybe later.
00:50:09What the hell is this?
00:50:13Tastes like Gatorade.
00:50:16Isn't that that Brondo stuff?
00:50:18They're watering crops with a sports drink?
00:50:22Brondo, the thirst mutilator, had come to replace water virtually everywhere.
00:50:27Water, the basic component of all life, had been deemed a threat to Brondo's profit margin.
00:50:33The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330, when the Brondo Corporation simply bought
00:50:39the FDA and the FCC, enabling them to say, do, and sell anything they wanted.
00:50:51Joe didn't know any of this, but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve.
00:50:58With his options running out, Joe took a bold step.
00:51:02He would not get out of the way.
00:51:05This time, he would lead.
00:51:07For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brondo stuff.
00:51:12But Brondo's got what plants crave.
00:51:14It's got electrolytes.
00:51:15So wait a minute.
00:51:16What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops?
00:51:21Yes.
00:51:22Water.
00:51:23Like out the toilet?
00:51:24Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but yeah, that's the idea.
00:51:28But Brondo's got what plants crave.
00:51:30It's got electrolytes.
00:51:32Okay, look, the plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brondo's not working.
00:51:37Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.
00:51:41Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.
00:51:45Hey, that's good.
00:51:46You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?
00:51:47Yeah.
00:51:49Okay, look, you want to solve this problem.
00:51:51I want to get my pardon, so why don't we just try it, okay?
00:51:54And not worry about what plants crave.
00:51:57Brondo's got what plants crave.
00:51:59Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
00:52:00Electrolytes.
00:52:01What are electrolytes?
00:52:02Do you even know?
00:52:03It's what they use to make Brondo.
00:52:06Yeah, but why did they use them to make Brondo?
00:52:09Because Brondo's got electrolytes.
00:52:14After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason and simply told the cabinet
00:52:20that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water.
00:52:24He made believers out of everyone.
00:52:27Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes were salts that had been building up in the
00:52:33topsoil over the decades, killing plants and leading to the dust bowl.
00:52:37As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water, promising that
00:52:44over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end.
00:52:48He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon.
00:52:52Or so it seemed.
00:52:58I hope something grows fast.
00:53:00Yeah, so we can haul our ass back home.
00:53:03Man, you really think those people would have starved to death?
00:53:06I don't know.
00:53:08I mean, how did the world ever get like this?
00:53:12You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers.
00:53:15It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
00:53:17Mm-hmm.
00:53:18I'm not used to it.
00:53:19Yeah, me neither.
00:53:23You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
00:53:27Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.
00:53:29Now you know why you built that bomb.
00:53:35Hey, Joe, listen, those cops...
00:53:38Oh, hey, I'm sorry about that.
00:53:39No, no, they said that you got me a pardon.
00:53:43You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so...
00:53:47I guess I owe you one.
00:53:52You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to.
00:53:57Oh, no, I'm...
00:53:59I'm all right, yeah.
00:54:00Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrade would be too happy about that.
00:54:04You in bed with a stranger?
00:54:12I know, I know.
00:54:16Yeah.
00:54:19Oh, boy.
00:54:29Oh, shit, it's Upgrade.
00:54:31Oh, shit.
00:54:33It's not Upgrade.
00:54:34Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked, but when the Brondo stock suddenly dropped
00:54:38to zero, leaving half the population unemployed, dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting
00:54:44and looting and looting, and screaming for Joe's head.
00:54:47An emergency cabinet meeting was called with the CEO of the Brondo Corporation.
00:54:51How come nobody's buying Brondo, the thirst mutilator?
00:54:54Ah, shit.
00:54:55Half the country works for Brondo.
00:54:57Not anymore!
00:54:57And the stock just dropped to zero, and the computer did that auto layoff thing to everybody!
00:55:01We're all unemployed!
00:55:03You think that makes the economy suck?
00:55:04Why is this happening?
00:55:05I think it's because we switched to water, but...
00:55:08You mean this is all your fault?
00:55:10What?
00:55:10Yeah.
00:55:11It's your fault!
00:55:12This shit started happening when we switched to water!
00:55:14Brondo by Carlton!
00:55:15Brondo by Carlton!
00:55:16Brondo by Carlton!
00:55:17Brondo by Carlton!
00:55:18Brondo by Carlton!
00:55:19Brondo by Carlton!
00:55:21Fox News!
00:55:26He tried taking water from toilets, but it's secretary not sure who finds himself in the toilet now.
00:55:32And as history pulls down its pants and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head,
00:55:38it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time.
00:55:42We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent for Micah Davis at the extreme court with highlights on today's trial.
00:55:51Thank you, Velveeta.
00:55:53Well, it started off boring and slow with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk.
00:55:59Blah, blah, blah, you gotta believe me!
00:56:03That part of the trial sucked!
00:56:05But then the Chief Jay just went off.
00:56:08He said, man, whatever, the guy's guilty as shit, we all know that.
00:56:13And he sentences us to one night of rehabilitation.
00:56:17Hey, rehabilitation? One night? Doesn't sound so bad.
00:56:21Not so bad, huh?
00:56:23Here's some highlights from last week's rehabilitation.
00:56:36And who could forget that wonderful finish by rehab officer Tylenol Jones?
00:56:43And tomorrow night looks even more better.
00:56:45Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement.
00:56:51Wow.
00:56:52Thank you for Micah.
00:56:54So you think you can escape again?
00:56:56Like you did last time?
00:56:57No.
00:56:58They pretty much fixed that.
00:56:59How?
00:57:00They chained me to a big rock.
00:57:04Oh.
00:57:05Yeah.
00:57:05Look, Rita, get Frito.
00:57:08Get him to take you back to the time machine without me.
00:57:10Don't wait.
00:57:11No.
00:57:12You could have split on me before, but you didn't.
00:57:14Look, you want to pay me back?
00:57:16Just go back.
00:57:17Okay?
00:57:18Tell people to read books.
00:57:20Tell people to stay in school.
00:57:22You know, tell people to just use their brains or something.
00:57:26You know, I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me.
00:57:29I never did anything with my life.
00:57:31At least you were an artist.
00:57:33You know?
00:57:33So just go back and...
00:57:39And Rita, whatever you do,
00:57:41keep painting, okay?
00:57:44Good luck, Joe.
00:57:53Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
00:57:55Are you ready for a monster truck due to the dead?
00:58:01Please give it up for the guitar, Ernie.
00:58:04Okay, we're gonna do this shit,
00:58:06but first, to lead us in the natural anthem,
00:58:09the star of Out of My Balls,
00:58:11Cornel Chubbies!
00:58:14Thank you, thank you.
00:58:17All right, we're gonna do this shit.
00:58:20You're gonna do this shit!
00:58:21Come here!
00:58:23I'm gonna do this shit.
00:58:26Come here!
00:58:26Come here!
00:58:29That's just how that shit went on TV!
00:58:38Yeah?
00:58:41So, my car's out front whenever you want me to take you.
00:58:46To that time machine.
00:58:48Thanks, Vito.
00:58:50Yeah.
00:58:52That's...
00:58:53Real bummer about Joe, huh?
00:58:57Yeah.
00:58:57Paul, can you turn this up?
00:59:01I love rehabilitation.
00:59:14Okay, let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight.
00:59:18With a combined record of 62 kills.
00:59:21Please welcome, Billy Mawamba and the Dewdozer!
00:59:32And his brothers, Bobby Mawamba and the Ass Draster!
00:59:37I got a truck too, right?
00:59:40Yeah.
00:59:41Here it comes.
00:59:51Get in.
00:59:57Yeah, you still got the chain attached.
01:00:02The door won't shut.
01:00:04Not the chain.
01:00:04We can break it off.
01:00:07Yeah, I got idea.
01:00:08Put it in the trunk.
01:00:09Yeah, that'll work.
01:00:14Who's smart now?
01:00:15Let's bring out a criminal!
01:00:17We tried to move the country by throwing toilet water on crops.
01:00:20We cost millions of people their jobs!
01:00:23Let's get ready to rehabilitate!
01:00:25Not sure!
01:00:29Go, go, go, go!
01:00:31Get in, get in, get in.
01:00:33Get in, get in, get in, get in!
01:00:33Get in, get in, get in, get in, get in!
01:00:37Everybody guessed this is how I was gonna die.
01:00:40Are you ready for some car-on-car action?
01:00:42Yes.
01:00:45i can't watch this this is gonna be so sad i hope i don't cry
01:00:55oh shit frito come here look he was right the water it worked frito can you get me over there
01:01:05yes you fucking moron to the rehabilitation place this way
01:01:15come on frito hurry
01:01:17now the dude that everybody came here to see the only undefeated officer ever in history
01:01:23coming out of an environment just to pound not sure's ass driving the biggest hugest
01:01:29correctional vehicle ever built in history bigger than the dildozer bigger than the ass
01:01:35blaster bigger and huger than everything ever before in history the brand new ass
01:01:42go away give it up for feet to breathe
01:01:49ah
01:01:49oh
01:02:12oh
01:02:12shit i think it was too big huh
01:02:15we seem to be experimenting some technological differences
01:02:20so uh
01:02:22here
01:02:24frito look it's working everywhere
01:02:28oh shit that's a big pile of rocks
01:02:33that's good
01:02:35oh
01:02:36oh shit start we're gonna start with a piece for free
01:02:40let's go rehabilitation
01:02:42yeah
01:02:53oh shit
01:02:54come on frito hurry
01:03:16Jesus, that was great.
01:03:20Mr. President, Mr. President, I need to talk to you.
01:03:23You've got to stop this thing.
01:03:24He was right about the water.
01:03:26We've had some crops on the way here.
01:03:27They're growing.
01:03:28I didn't see no crops.
01:03:30They're going to do the electric crunch on him.
01:03:37This is a hell of a fool.
01:03:39Don't tell nobody.
01:03:40Oh.
01:04:06Did he win?
01:04:07Uh, uh-oh.
01:04:13Look.
01:04:15Holy shit, it beats the ring!
01:04:26Yeah, yeah!
01:04:28Hey, Frito.
01:04:30Frito, you remember those crops we saw on the road right by the Starbucks?
01:04:32Uh-huh.
01:04:34Hey.
01:04:35Want to make some money?
01:04:37I like money.
01:04:49I like money.
01:04:51Hey, um, the, uh, the main screen is malfunctioning.
01:04:56And they're going to need you outside immediately.
01:05:02There's a bunch of whores in the hallway.
01:05:08Come on, Frito, hurry.
01:05:11I can't believe you like money, too.
01:05:13We should hang out.
01:05:15Totally.
01:05:39We need to be behind the truck.
01:05:47He's behind the fucking truck!
01:05:50Behind the truck, stupid!
01:06:00Whoa.
01:06:02Look.
01:06:06Shit.
01:06:07That's a good deal.
01:06:09Extra foam.
01:06:10I got a bunch of money, too.
01:06:13We got what it was for.
01:06:15Huh.
01:06:17You think it was for lattes?
01:06:19Yeah.
01:06:20Probably.
01:06:21So you like money and sex?
01:06:23You're stripping me out.
01:06:24What the fuck?
01:06:38Hold on, okay?
01:06:39Everyone, just take it easy, okay?
01:06:42Can I just say something here?
01:06:47I don't even know what I'm guilty of here.
01:06:49I never said that I was the smartest person on earth.
01:06:52You people did.
01:06:53I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money, and I'm very sorry that that
01:06:58happened.
01:06:58But I'm telling you, if you put water on the crops, it might actually, no, it will work.
01:07:05I promise you.
01:07:06You just have to believe me.
01:07:08I just wanted to help you.
01:07:10That's all.
01:07:10So you can try and shoot me, you can try and run me over, whatever.
01:07:15But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first.
01:07:20Do you really want to live in a world where you try to blow up the one person that's trying
01:07:25to help you?
01:07:36Hold on.
01:07:37Just hold on.
01:07:58Oh man, that was great.
01:08:00Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there?
01:08:05Shit.
01:08:05What do I look like, a pants goblin?
01:08:08Wait, this reminds me of something.
01:08:11Uh, rehabilit, rehabili, rehabilitation.
01:08:15Why do you keep trying to read that word?
01:08:17You a fag?
01:08:19I'm a fag your face.
01:08:29Come on, Frito.
01:08:30Yeah, I don't think so.
01:08:33Oh yeah.
01:09:15This guy just got his ass apart.
01:09:36Come on, Frito.
01:09:39Come on, Frito.
01:09:45I mean, I don't know what to say.
01:09:46You know, you saved my life.
01:09:47No one's ever done anything like that for me.
01:09:49Yeah, well, you know, you were looking out for the whole world, so, you know, I thought
01:09:55someone should look out for you, too.
01:09:57Thanks.
01:09:57Thanks.
01:09:59I can't believe I'm even saying this, but even though these people tried to kill me, you know,
01:10:04I think I'm actually going to kind of miss them.
01:10:06Yeah.
01:10:07Frito, he's going to give us a ride back to the time machine.
01:10:10I just, uh, I hope he's okay to drive.
01:10:14It's you.
01:10:15Joe, oh man, I really love your show.
01:10:18Thank you so much.
01:10:20Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
01:10:24What?
01:10:26I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again.
01:10:30Maybe it's time I got a new start.
01:10:33Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
01:10:36I'm going to be a CEO.
01:10:38At Starbucks?
01:10:39Yeah.
01:10:40Yeah?
01:10:40You're still going to paint, though, right?
01:10:43Yeah.
01:10:45Sure.
01:10:47I guess this is goodbye, then.
01:10:50Hey, hey, hey!
01:10:52Hey!
01:10:53I got a couple presidential decrees to make!
01:10:57Now, sure!
01:10:58Get your ass up here, wherever you eat!
01:11:03I'm going to get a little peanut head up in here.
01:11:06Yo, yo!
01:11:08I have decided to make this man
01:11:12the man who solved all our problems.
01:11:16I have decided to make him my new vice president!
01:11:24Mr. President, well, thanks.
01:11:25That's real cool of you, sir, but I can't accept it, sir.
01:11:29What?
01:11:30What?
01:11:31Well, you know, I got to get home.
01:11:34But we still got all these problems.
01:11:36Well, look, you know, you're just going to have to solve them yourselves.
01:11:39How?
01:11:40Well, you don't think about it, you know?
01:11:41You're just going to have to figure it out, you know, like we did with the crops.
01:11:44But how are we going to figure out about the garbage ambulances and the comedy?
01:11:48Well, what about the nuclear reactor in Florida is broken and leaking or something's happening?
01:11:57I thought it was in Georgia.
01:11:59Georgia is in Florida.
01:12:00You know, dumbass?
01:12:01Hey, hey, I know.
01:12:03Let's put toilet water on it.
01:12:05Huh?
01:12:06Yeah.
01:12:06Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
01:12:08We did on the crops.
01:12:09Come on, Pato.
01:12:10Hey, you can't leave.
01:12:13Whatever happened to all that leave, follow, get out of the way shit, huh?
01:12:30I guess I just can't get out of the way anymore, can I?
01:12:33You know what?
01:12:33Forget about the time machine.
01:12:35Yeah!
01:12:40That ride sucks anyways.
01:12:44Ride?
01:12:49Welcome to the time machine.
01:12:51We are going to take you back first to the year 1939, when Charlie Chaplin and his evil
01:12:57Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world.
01:13:01So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time?
01:13:04Yeah.
01:13:05You thought you could really travel through time, huh?
01:13:07Yeah, I guess I did.
01:13:09Yeah.
01:13:10You're the smartest guy in the world.
01:13:11You're pretty dumb sometimes.
01:13:12So why didn't you tell us?
01:13:14Because I like money.
01:13:15I'm sorry.
01:13:16But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money.
01:13:21You know, because I can't go back in time and open a savings account.
01:13:24Yeah.
01:13:27Yeah.
01:13:27Yeah.
01:13:28Don't worry about it.
01:13:30It's okay.
01:13:31Well, I guess we're stuck here.
01:13:33But then, an even greater force emerged.
01:13:37The un, and the un, un-Nazi'd the world forever.
01:13:43And so, after serving a short term as Vice President, Joe was elected the President of
01:13:48America.
01:13:50Frito became Vice President, and Rita, the former prostitute, became First Lady.
01:13:55Today, I step into the shoes of a great man.
01:13:58A man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.
01:14:06And the President Notshure's leadership, a new era, Don.
01:14:10You know, there was a time in this country when smart people were considered cool.
01:14:17Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things like build ships and pyramids, and they
01:14:23even went to the moon.
01:14:29And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags,
01:14:35and neither was writing.
01:14:37People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories.
01:14:41So you cared whose ass it was, and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come
01:14:48again.
01:15:07Joe and Rita had three children, the three smartest kids in the world.
01:15:13Vice President Frito took eight wives, and had a total of 32 kids.
01:15:1832 of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth.
01:15:26Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind, but he got the ball rolling.
01:15:32And that's pretty good for an average guy.
01:16:06And that's pretty good for a big ride.
01:16:10What do you do, and that's pretty good for you?
01:16:18Well, we go out and mix the ball rolling.
01:16:20So we're all looking for the whole house, and we're gonna have a small house.
01:16:21to be able to go to that garden and and see it!
01:20:23I'm going to find this album.