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American Dad - Season 22 - Episode 09: Where the Wild Boars Are
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00:03Good morning USA, I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day, the sun in the sky
00:11has a smile on his face, and he's shining a salute to the American race, oh boy it's
00:21well to say, good morning USA, and to conclude this tour of my wine yard, a brief toast, to the
00:39lully grape, a simple berry for peasants named by the Romans of course, after Hanna-Barbera's childish oaf, grape ape,
00:48believe it or not, I was once like the
00:50lowly grape myself, young, naive, full of juice, until that special summer, I learned to make wine, I was at
01:00that age when summer means one thing, playing in the woods, I'm gonna go play in the woods babe, I'll
01:09do my chores later, what, you don't do chores, the fastest
01:12way to the woods was through Mr. Tuttle's backyard, careful Jeffrey, I love my lawn and consider her to be
01:19my beautiful green wife, those waters good and rusty today, in the woods I could do anything, like find a
01:30really cool stick, and use it to whack trees, I could even throw it like a boomerang,
01:39and of course there was other stuff to do in the woods, this is gonna be good, worms, oh mama,
01:50don't mind me just converting this old shack into a bang shed, it's like a gummy worm on steroids, great
01:58question Jeff, a bang shed is a small filthy abandoned structure famously used as a place to have hot sex
02:05in the woods,
02:05I strategically placed this to rile you up for a roll in the shed, not with me, I'm just the
02:10caretaker, but it would mean a lot to me if you'd fornicate on this pee soaked mattress, it's my pee
02:19Babe, I saw the monster in the woods again, and it was, why are you all dressed up?
02:23We're going to a steakhouse for dad's half birthday, I must have forgotten to tell you
02:28Can I come?
02:29Oh, I don't know, babe, you have sap on your hands, you smell like worms, wouldn't you be happier staying
02:36home and watching Oliver and Company with Rogu?
02:38Dog, a dog!
02:39Billy Joe shines in role
02:42I'll stay here
02:43Have fun, babe!
02:48You took that well, Jeff
02:49Took what well?
02:50Hayley obviously didn't want you to go, she thinks of you as a boy
02:54No, duh, she's seen my penis
02:56No, a little boy
02:58Isn't it possible she likes me despite my many quirks and faults?
03:03No, wifeys want their hobbies to be mature adult men
03:06Or fish, if you don't grow up soon, she'll divorce you
03:09Or worse
03:11What's worse than the big D?
03:13The twisted sea, getting cock-olded
03:17That's when you're such a little boy, your wife goes out and bonk some other dude
03:22It's not appropriate for me to hear, Mr. Klaus
03:25What's not appropriate is lying in the hall while Hayley's headboard goes bonk, bonk, bonk
03:31Before long, telltale heart-style phantom bonks will drive you up the wall
03:36I don't want any of that
03:38Then be a man
03:39Or else it's...
03:40What's that I hear under the floorboards?
03:43The ghost of a brutal cuck-holding?
03:45Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk
03:49I'll show you I'm a man
03:50I'll run away crying
03:53And never come back forever
03:56Never
03:58Ever
04:09Stop coming alive, you trees
04:14The monster
04:15I gotta hide
04:20Dear Mr. God
04:21Please help me become a man
04:26Get lost, ya bum
04:28This shed is only for dirty woodland humping
04:30No solo play
04:35What's that sound?
04:40Someone forgot to turn off their cup of noodles machine
04:44Hello?
04:45Hello?
04:46I'm gonna break in!
04:48Please don't shoot me too much!
04:51Help me!
04:52Help me!
04:54Don't worry, an intruder's coming!
05:00Oh god, the toilet's gone mad!
05:03It's eating him alive!
05:04I slipped, getting out of the tub and got wedged back here
05:07Help me!
05:09I'm going to yank you out!
05:10You're so old
05:11I hope you don't pull apart like roast chicken, mister
05:16Please, call me Bing
05:19You look amazing, Mr. Bing!
05:22Way better than you did naked
05:24Name's just Bing
05:26Like the cherry
05:27Like the Crosby
05:29And thank you
05:30Even at home a man should dress to impress
05:34Do you have any juice?
05:36No
05:36A man has tea to come with the nurse
05:39Drink
05:41Jeffrey, I'm a hermit
05:43Do you know what that means?
05:45Of course
05:46You're a crab
05:47It means I don't go out
05:49I don't have friends
05:51If you hadn't found me
05:53I'd died on the bedroom floor
05:55Every crab's nightmare
05:57Hey, how did you hear my kettle anyway?
06:00I was out in the woods
06:02Where I like to play
06:04Playing in the woods
06:06I haven't played in the woods since I was a boy
06:10And even then I didn't
06:12I know
06:13I'm like a little boy
06:15You're not like a boy
06:17You are a boy
06:18A golden halo of innocence surrounds you
06:21The monster!
06:24Ha!
06:24Like Frankenstein?
06:26Is that what you fear?
06:28Oh, Jeffrey
06:29Frankenstein hasn't been seen in these woods for years
06:33Come with me
06:35Your monster is just a wild boar
06:39Oh, it's just the monster from the boar's head deli meat packages
06:44And look
06:46He's found wild grapes
06:48Get, you big galoot
06:51We could make wine with these
06:54Mr. Bing
06:55You look good
06:56You smell good
06:57You know about wine
06:58Please make me into a man like you
07:01Becoming a man takes time
07:03How much time?
07:04Are we done?
07:05I'll teach you what I know
07:07But it's a shame anyway
07:09Because in becoming a man
07:11You will lose your innocence
07:14I know
07:15I did
07:17One last worm before I'm a man
07:20This one's name is Wormo
07:24Thus began my lessons with Bing
07:26And what became of Wormo?
07:29Well, just a few minutes later
07:31I flung him high into the air
07:35Now can we drink?
07:38No
07:38Bing had agreed to teach me how to be a man
07:41And as it turns out
07:43Aging a boy is a lot like aging a wine
07:47First rule
07:48Aging a boy is nothing like aging a wine
07:52Second rule
07:53Men take baths
07:55Life is a battle
07:57And smelling good is your greatest weapon
08:00That's why they're called bath bombs
08:03When I was young
08:05I'd paint my whole body purple
08:07Privates included
08:09Then I'd hide in the grapes
08:11So the women would stomp on me
08:14Privates included
08:15I don't want to hear about this
08:17Okay, okay
08:18A man needs boundaries
08:20Speaking of boundaries
08:22I ask you not to enter this room
08:25It's full of memories from my old life
08:30Oh, in your old life were you a crooner?
08:33You think all beings are crooners?
08:35Come on
08:36Just stop trying to go in my secret room
08:39Okay?
08:39What?
08:40I didn't even know about it
08:41Fine, I forgive you
08:43Just don't let me catch you again
08:48Things look good
08:49The mattress is utterly foobar
08:51The shed is ready for sex
08:54Raccoons?
08:54Up, one's going for the playboys
08:56Here we go
09:05This style is called sprezzatura
09:08It means effortless grace
09:11In loafers, a man can't help but walk with a certain nonchalance
09:19Try it
09:20Nonchalant with me, baby
09:25He's a boy, he's a boy
09:27He's a beautiful boy
09:29But he wears loafers like a man
09:33I'm a boy, I'm a boy
09:35But I'm coming of age
09:36Hey, watch out for that space
09:38And watch out for this room
09:40Don't you go in this place
09:42I wasn't trying to
09:44Good, keep it that way
09:46He's a boy, he's a boy
09:48He's a beautiful boy
09:49One day he'll be a beautiful man
09:53That was a great song
09:55But somehow I have sap on my hands again
09:59One word
10:00Extra virgin olive oil
10:05My hands are so clean
10:06They look like a picture of hands
10:08What is this stuff?
10:09You never heard of olive oil?
10:11What's a boy eat?
10:12Little nuggets?
10:13I eat whatever babe makes me
10:15Another rule
10:16A man serves others
10:18And there's nothing better to serve than a simple tomato sandwich
10:22Good tomato, good oil, and good salt
10:26Sea salt
10:27I only use eastern Caspian sea salt
10:30If you try to use western Caspian sea salt
10:33Well, it's just not eastern
10:38I think I'm a man, Mr. Bing
10:40I think I'm a man, Mr. Bing
10:41I just hammered a cork into a bunghole without laughing
10:45That much?
10:46You're not a man yet, but maybe it is time for you to go
10:50Especially since I just got an ember alert that matches your description
10:55You haven't been a chicken eating with nobody
11:00Jeff, where have you been?
11:02I've been making for you, with sap free hands, a simple tomato sandwich
11:10How did you do that?
11:11Are you wearing heelies?
11:13Babe, you smell incredible
11:16An old man bathed me
11:18Excuse me?
11:20This sando is on point
11:22Ho ho!
11:23Look at this man!
11:25Maybe the bonking is off the table
11:27I am a man!
11:29I gotta go tell Bing!
11:31Klaus, did you tell Jeff he was gonna get cuckolded again?
11:34I just told him a bit about the history of the term
11:37Mr. Bing, I think I'm a-
11:40Guns?
11:40These are a good guy's guns, right?
11:43You might want to sit down for this, Jeffrey
11:46Have some tea
11:50The boar has become a problem
11:53And when there's a problem, a man doesn't stop until it's solved
11:58Y-you don't mean-
11:59I have to shoot the boar
12:02W-what did he do wrong?
12:04Did he do a big fart like Pumbaa?
12:06He didn't fart like Pumbaa
12:08He's eating the grapes we need for next year's wine
12:12So he must be eliminated and made into a simple boar ragu
12:17I'm sorry
12:18I guess I'm not a man after all
12:21You may not be a man yet
12:24But when you are, you can still cry
12:26A man can always cry
12:29I think it's time I show you that locked room you've been so obsessed with
12:35Jeffrey, the truth is
12:37I used to be a hitman for the Bingoni Mafia
12:41You did all these?
12:44The hits were problems I was good at solving
12:46I was so good, they had me change my first name to Bingoni
12:50Bing for short
12:51My last name is Goon
12:53So I'm Bingoni Goon and A Bingoni Goon
12:57And before my family name got shortened at Ellis Island
13:01It was Bingoni Goon
13:03Which, believe it or not, in English means Bingoni Goon
13:08You murdered people
13:09I did
13:10But when my last hit got away
13:13I left the Mafia in shame
13:16They could have made you sleep with a fish
13:18But that part of my life is over
13:21Especially since you came along
13:23When I met you I was stuck behind a toilet
13:27Now I feel like I can throw a toilet at the moon
13:32Hey, that's Mr. Tuttle
13:35You know this man?
13:36He lives just across the woods from you
13:38I cut through his yard
13:40Mr. Tuttle loves his yard
13:42Look
13:45Yeah, he didn't disappear
13:47He's just in a witness protection program
13:50What?
13:51He told you this?
13:52A man hears things
13:54Jeffrey
13:55Would you like to kill the boar?
13:58No, no, I couldn't
13:59Not Pumba
14:00Too pure to kill a Pumba
14:02Now go
14:04I'll call you when the wine is ready
14:06And here
14:07Take this
14:09I knew it
14:10You were a crooner
14:11I'm not a crooner
14:13That's Bay Area style rap
14:16And if you need more space
14:18There's a hollow log out back
14:19You can make into an ABU
14:21Additional bang unit
14:22How much are you asking, Roger?
14:24Nothing, just get in there
14:25Do you provide the sex partner?
14:27It's not a brothel
14:28Would you negotiate on the price?
14:30It's free, dammit
14:31Please just go have sex
14:32I've sunk too much time and money into this
14:35No, thank you
14:35Not for me
14:36No
14:41Hog poison
14:42Weird
14:43Mr. Bing said he was gonna shoot the boar
14:46Come in
14:48The wine is ready
14:49Ta-da
14:51I thought we'd bottle it together
14:53Eh, bottling is overrated
14:55It is?
14:56By who?
14:57The bottlers
14:57Hey, Mr. Bing
14:59You shot the boar, right?
15:01You didn't strangle it or poison it?
15:05Of course I shot it
15:07Oh
15:07Okay
15:09It's just
15:09I see
15:11Because I killed a bunch of people you think I'm some psycho
15:15Look
15:16To prove to you I've put that life behind me
15:19I want to reach out to the community
15:21Share our wine
15:23We can go door to door together
15:25Oh
15:26You'll have to deliver it alone
15:28My old between the tub and toilet injuries are acting up again
15:32But you were just dancing around like Fred Astaire
15:36And where's Fred Astaire now?
15:39Dead
15:39Now somewhere here is a very special battle for Tuttle
15:43Mr. Tuttle?
15:45Why Mr. Tuttle?
15:46He might be afraid of me on account of the mafia connection
15:50I want to extend an olive branch
15:52Is this it?
15:54No!
15:55This one
15:56It's the only green one
15:58A nod to his curvaceous, herbaceous green lawn
16:02Mr. Bing
16:03You don't want to kill Mr. Tuttle, do you?
16:07What?
16:08Kill?
16:09I don't kill anymore
16:10I won't even listen to the killers
16:12Except Mr. Brightside
16:21As I walked to Mr. Tuttle's
16:23My head was swimming with thoughts like
16:26Did Bing poison the wine?
16:28And if I delivered it, would that make me a murderer?
16:32And I wish I hadn't gotten so high this morning
16:35Then I remembered a few of Grape Ape's antics and chuckled
16:40But mostly, I was thinking about whether the wine was poisoned
16:48Hold those glasses up, up, up! We're nearly at the end!
16:52I returned to my mentor after taking the wine to Tuttle's
16:56I had made the most difficult decision of my life
16:59Jeez, Jeffrey, you've gone as pale as shit
17:02Did you see something in that bang shed that spooked you?
17:06There's never anything going on in the bang shed
17:09I feel sorry for that weird little man
17:12He's been working his tail off
17:15Oh, he sees me
17:17He's beckoning me over
17:18No thank you!
17:20He's making kissy faces
17:23Okay, he's swallowing a whole banana
17:26Humping the air
17:28He's really throwing the kitchen sink at me here
17:30Wow, and now he's rolling out a vibrating saddle
17:34What would he even plug that into?
17:37Oh, he's showing me the generator
17:40Lot of smoke coming out of that thing
17:44Out of gas
17:46And now he's crying
17:48Let's have some tea
17:54So, how did it go with Tuttle?
17:58He was happy to see me
17:59A trusted friend
18:01Oh, wonderful
18:02And the wine
18:03Was he happy to see the trusted wine?
18:07Mr. Bing
18:08Did you poison Tuttle's wine?
18:11Poison Tuttle?
18:12Of course not
18:13I would no sooner poison Tuttle
18:15Than use that creepy man's shed
18:17I heard that through my binoculars
18:20Oh, I'm happy again
18:22Jeff, believe me
18:23I did not poison Tuttle's wine
18:26That's a relief
18:29Hey, let's finally open some of our wine
18:32I wanna taste it
18:34You already are!
18:35I put some of Tuttle's wine in your tea
18:37In case you did poison it
18:39Isn't that hilarious?
18:41Why would you do that, Jeffrey?
18:44I knew if you made up your mind to kill him
18:46You'd never stop trying
18:47You said it yourself
18:49A man doesn't stop until a problem is solved
18:52I need some air
18:54Solo play is healthy
18:59What's the big deal?
19:01You didn't poison it, right?
19:02I did
19:03I did poison it
19:04With enough hog poison
19:06To poison every hog
19:07From here to poison hog city
19:09I'm gonna die
19:10What? Oh God
19:12What have I done?
19:13You saw a problem
19:14And you didn't stop until you solved it
19:17You know what that makes of you?
19:18A man
19:20And since you're a man
19:22I don't have to feel bad
19:24About killing you
19:26Sorry Bing
19:27I took out all the bullets from your secret guns
19:30I'm so proud of you
19:31But I bet you didn't find the one in my sock
19:34I got that one too
19:35You get the one in the freezer?
19:38Yep
19:38Cereal packs?
19:40Yep
19:40Microwave?
19:41Yep
19:41Inside the hollowed out loaf of rustic ciabatta bread?
19:44Yep
19:44The gun behind the toilet?
19:49Why did you have to send me to kill Tunnel?
19:52Because nobody would ever suspect a man of using a boy to kill a man
19:57I suspected it
19:59Can't you throw off the poison?
20:01Ahhhh
20:02I win
20:03I'm gonna get the gun
20:04Ah
20:05Ah
20:06I'm stuck
20:07Full circle
20:08Ah, Jeffrey
20:10If I pull you out, will you still try to kill me?
20:13Yes
20:14And I have to leave you trapped here, Bing
20:17Exactly what a man would do
20:19Go, my beautiful man
20:22Go
20:22Ah
20:23Ah
20:25Babe
20:26I've been looking all over for you
20:28I'm a man
20:30Oh yeah?
20:31Wanna show me?
20:33And then I had sex with my wife in the Bing shed
20:37Wow
20:37Did anyone find Bing's body?
20:41No
20:41A bunch of wild boars ran in and ate him alive
20:44Cheers
20:52Can you believe all those years ago someone was trying to kill me?
20:57That was interesting to you?
20:58I was mostly drawn to the bang shed parts
21:01What a challenge that was
21:03Sadly those walls didn't stand for long
21:05Demolished later that summer by a 0.4 earthquake
21:08Nothing I could do, except go to court
21:11You might be familiar with my landmark lawsuit
21:13General Napoleon Boner Parts versus the United States Geological Survey
21:18It made the papers
21:19Creep left out of court
21:22Oh, that's just the headline
21:24Keep reading
21:24It gets worse
21:26Ah
21:27You better lawyer up, boar
21:29Napoleon Boner Parts will see you in court
21:31Bye
21:32Have a beautiful time
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