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Clarkson's Farm - Season 5 Episode 4 - TBA
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Short filmTranscript
00:25It was now late February
00:28and winter was very much in retreat.
00:37Soon we would be planting these spring crops
00:40with my new high-tech equipment.
00:43But there was plenty to keep us busy till then.
00:47First of all we had to send some of our sheep
00:50on their journey to the kitchen at the pub
00:54along with the latest batch of pigs.
01:03These were our original mules.
01:06Remember the North Country mules that we had from day one?
01:08These are the ones that we lambed that first...
01:10Was that four years ago?
01:12In Covid.
01:15Come on, sheeps.
01:17Come on, girls. Up, up, up!
01:18Psh!
01:19Come on, psh!
01:21Did you not find this salad taken in sheep?
01:24No.
01:25Cows and sheep.
01:26I don't like getting rid of them.
01:28I don't like putting them on the lorry.
01:30I don't think any farmer in the world would enjoy
01:33sending their animals off to be killed
01:35thinking they will be dead tonight.
01:36I don't like that.
01:37Or the cows.
01:38But I get really emotional about the pigs.
01:40Why?
01:41I just love the pigs.
01:42You know you love cows?
01:44Yeah, yeah.
01:44Well, I love pigs, same as that.
01:46I just love pigs.
01:47I just think the way they taste.
01:51Once we'd seen the animals off...
01:53Bye, wieners.
01:55I headed over to the farmer's dog.
02:00Which was closed for a couple of days
02:02so that some essential work could be done.
02:05And what I'm hoping to see here
02:07is a forest of white vans and workmen doing jobs
02:11and I'm...
02:12Yes.
02:15Inside, the kitchen was getting a new non-slip floor.
02:19Gentlemen.
02:20It's a festival of arse cracks in here today.
02:23I'm really...
02:25And the electricians were trying, once again,
02:28to fix the belligerent power supply.
02:31We're having a whole new board.
02:33Yes.
02:34And no more flickering lights.
02:36Fingers crossed.
02:38No, no, don't say that, please.
02:42All of this work was being overseen by Alan,
02:45who was back in the saddle after his major heart surgery.
02:50It's been a long time.
02:52Hi, I'm back, mate.
02:53You're back!
02:54That's a bit of a man-hug, isn't it?
02:55Yeah.
02:56You? You're like Jon Bon Jovi.
02:57I have lost a bit, yeah.
02:59Jesus.
03:00That's a lot of timber gone.
03:01I know.
03:01A lot of fruit.
03:02And how is it? Painful?
03:04Very.
03:04I don't want to show you on camera, but I don't...
03:07It's a nasty cut.
03:08I don't know.
03:09Yeah.
03:09That was all quadruple.
03:10Four quadruple.
03:11One had collapsed and curled itself up.
03:14And the other four were there about 85% to 90% blocked.
03:18Horrible.
03:18Are you feeling all right?
03:19Yeah, I had a bit of a problem with the lungs.
03:22I lost 36% of the lungs.
03:23All MDF dust and shit.
03:25Well, it's because you never wear a mask.
03:26Well, none of us do, do we?
03:28That's the trouble we didn't know back in the 80s, 90s.
03:31Not like we do now.
03:32No.
03:32You still don't wear a mask?
03:34No.
03:35Yeah, no.
03:36So your lungs are buggered and you've...
03:3836%.
03:39But they've mended your heart now.
03:40Yeah, they were brilliant.
03:40When I came in for my heart thing, you were two rooms a lot.
03:44Yeah, next door.
03:45I knew you was there.
03:46I'm on that Muntjac drug.
03:48You know the anti-fat one?
03:50Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:50They put me on that.
03:51What, are you taking it or injecting it?
03:54You inject it once a week?
03:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:55I got that as well.
03:57It's only a little baby needle at it.
03:58Yeah, tiny.
03:59You don't even feel it.
03:59Yeah, it's good.
04:00That suppresses your appetite.
04:02Yeah, because my cholesterol is what caused mine, so...
04:04Yeah, yeah, that's a blockage, yeah.
04:06Hello and welcome to old people television.
04:09You might be young right now, watching this, thinking,
04:12well, look at these two are...
04:13One day...
04:15It'd come round and kick you in the balls, wouldn't it?
04:23The next day, there was more to do at the farm
04:26because we'd had some interesting new arrivals.
04:32We'll take this round to where they are.
04:34Yeah.
04:35Try and get them in it.
04:36Oh, really?
04:37Yeah.
04:39How else are you going to...
04:39It's easier to transport them in their house.
04:42So let's take the staircase out, then.
04:48This is going to be awkward.
04:50It's going to fuck this up, isn't it?
04:52You can do that now, can't you?
04:53Yeah.
04:54Oh!
04:55Oh, shit!
05:02It's fine.
05:03I don't know how.
05:04Thank God for that.
05:10The occupants of the new house had been a present
05:12from my oldest daughter.
05:16Ten guinea fowl.
05:18Who'd made the barn where we'd been keeping them smell
05:23absolutely unbelievable.
05:25Have you got food?
05:27They are.
05:28Oh!
05:32It's so bad.
05:33Fucking, it reeks.
05:35It is vile.
05:37Oh, God, I'm gagging already.
05:39Let me get in, then.
05:40I'll catch them far from here.
05:41Yeah, perfect.
05:44There we go.
05:46Yep.
05:47We've got a new house.
05:48Hello, little fella.
05:56That's it.
05:56Is that finished?
05:58Yeah.
05:58Well done.
05:59Well done.
05:59That's a great job.
06:01Before moving the birds down to their new home
06:04in a nearby copse,
06:05there was a small diddly squat celebration to take care of.
06:12G-Dog.
06:13Hello, Jimmy.
06:14Here you go, birthday boy.
06:16This is lovely.
06:18Well, it will be if I get it lit.
06:19Hang on.
06:21We bought candles that literally will not light.
06:24Gerald, I'm so sorry for this.
06:25I know.
06:27Yeah.
06:28How old are you today?
06:2978.
06:30We got you a stripper.
06:33Oh.
06:33Yeah, he'll be here in a minute.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Ready?
06:38Play that out.
06:39There we go.
06:40Perfect.
06:41Happy birthday.
06:42Happy birthday, Gerald.
06:43Happy birthday, guys.
06:45Happy birthday, G-Dog.
06:46Um...
06:47Do you know anything about guinea fowl, Gerald?
06:49Well, they get the wattles.
06:51Then when you're out at night,
06:53they just run another like buggy.
06:55So I just think they're all cock birds.
06:57I'll prove to start with them.
06:58Mental they go after one another.
07:00And the cone.
07:01But every one of them had it.
07:03One of them big long huns.
07:05It looked so sad.
07:08Yeah.
07:08We've been told to keep them in that box for five days.
07:12Yeah.
07:12That one, I see.
07:13Making a night.
07:14You get all them,
07:15and then the boys might cross.
07:16You'll hear them down the village, no trouble.
07:18What it's doing now is raining on us.
07:22Yeah.
07:23Do we leave the door of the house open or close them?
07:25Well, I think we should...
07:26I think we should...
07:26They're escaping.
07:28No, they're not in there now.
07:29They're in here.
07:30Well, there's that one there.
07:30What?
07:31There's one on the lamp.
07:33Oh, shit.
07:33We haven't got them all.
07:35There's one more.
07:36There's two in there.
07:37What?
07:38There are two in there.
07:39Can you two not count?
07:40You morons.
07:46Once the missing two had been loaded,
07:49I gingerly set off to the cops.
07:53Oh, bloody hell.
07:56Oh, God, this is so bloody...
07:59Oh, no.
08:03And on the way, I got a bit of a shock.
08:06What's that sheep doing in the...
08:10Who's had a lamb?
08:15Look!
08:18The sheep has got a placenta hanging out of its arse.
08:21This is just born.
08:24Hang on.
08:26This is a...
08:28This is odd, because these are not the easy care sheep, which we know are pregnant.
08:33These are difficult care sheep, which are supposed to be turned into mutton at the pub.
08:38They're not supposed to be pregnant.
08:40I mean, how have you got pregnant?
08:44How's this, Caleb?
08:46Oh, look.
08:48Yeah, but the weird thing is, where's the ram come from?
08:50Exactly.
08:52To try and get to the bottom of this mystery, I call Jeremy our shepherd.
08:58It's a bit bizarre.
09:00The only thing I can imagine is that before the lambs were weaned off, he's still had his balls and
09:06he's got across them.
09:07Ooh.
09:08But what we've got is incest going on here.
09:10You've got incest and you've got, yeah.
09:12There is another possibility we ought to consider virgin birth.
09:18It's been documented as something that can occur.
09:22That's very much done, dear.
09:25That's Jesus.
09:26Well, he did a human last time.
09:27We've been expecting the second coming, haven't we?
09:30Who ever said it was going to be a human?
09:32It could be a sheep.
09:33That could be Jesus.
09:35I'm telling you, that lamb is called Jesus and we are keeping that sheep.
09:40No, we're not.
09:41We bloody well are.
09:42You are not.
09:42You're not going to butcher Jesus.
09:43It's not fucking Jesus.
09:45That sheep is going.
09:46It is Jesus.
09:46It's going to rear that lamb and then it's going to go for mutton.
09:49Then it's going to come back.
09:50You're going to eat it and then complain about heartburn for three days.
09:52You're going to eat the Virgin Mary.
09:53Yes, you are.
09:53That's the Virgin Mary.
09:54It's not.
09:57After this, the two wise men and one wise woman took the guinea fowl to their new woodland lodgings.
10:06There?
10:07Yeah, lovely.
10:09That looks pretty good.
10:12They have to be in there now for five days.
10:14Yeah.
10:15So that they know what home is.
10:16Okay.
10:18They're looking a bit discombobulated.
10:19I'm not surprised.
10:21Well, they've had a bit of an exciting afternoon.
10:29With Alan's refurb work complete, the pub was now open again.
10:38And while I was over there, his cheerfulness asked for a meeting as he'd worked out our trading results for
10:45the first four months.
10:47Jeremy?
10:49Hey, Charlie.
10:50How are you?
10:51All right, thanks.
10:53You know, I thought I had two copies.
10:55I did.
10:56I've...
10:56I've...
10:58I've...
11:01I've just gone down to the bottom.
11:03Yes.
11:04Profit before taxation, which gives me hope.
11:06Yes.
11:08Minus...
11:08Minus...
11:10Minus...
11:10Minus...
11:11£8,486.
11:13Yeah.
11:16So...
11:16That's the headline figure.
11:18We're losing money.
11:19I...
11:20You are, overall...
11:23We're fully booked every day.
11:25Yep.
11:26Couldn't get any more people in if we tried.
11:28You know, I'm stumped.
11:31We've got people coming and we're losing money.
11:34And it's partly the success that's causing the additional cost because the infrastructure of the pub can't cope.
11:43We're having to clean out the cesspit twice a week.
11:46We're having to do the grease extraction twice a week because, you know, it was built for a pub that
11:51did, you know, as many covers in a month, really.
11:56Um, parking attendants, you know, to try and make sure that we didn't have chaos on the A40.
12:02You know, we had this fleet of parking attendants.
12:04No, I know.
12:04It's £47,000 a month in parking...
12:06We were paying parking people.
12:08And I...
12:09I just think that's probably...
12:10So...
12:10Okay.
12:10Because the costs are what they are, aren't they?
12:12We are successful.
12:13I mean, in as much as a lot of people come.
12:16Yeah.
12:16So you do have to empty the cesspit a lot.
12:18You do have to clean the structures out quite a lot.
12:21We do have to worry about the parking, otherwise the council will go crazy.
12:24So we know we have these costs.
12:26Yeah.
12:27So another thing I thought, which is controversial, is putting prices up.
12:33Well, I've just...
12:35I've actually gone to the trouble of having a survey of all the other pubs in the area done.
12:39So if you take a starter, right, meat and bread...
12:44Yeah.
12:44So we've got chicken, liver, parfait and sourdough, okay?
12:47Yeah.
12:48We're cheaper than any other pub in the area.
12:51We're £9.50.
12:52Yeah.
12:53All the others are around £12, £12.50, £15 at the Bull in Charlbury.
12:58A steak pie...
12:59Yeah.
13:00We're the cheapest.
13:02I'd say...
13:02So we are fundamentally cheaper.
13:04Now, this is the interesting thing.
13:07If you actually look at the news coverage this place gets, and there's a fair bit of it...
13:11Yeah.
13:11This is from the Express, okay?
13:15Disgruntled punters have been moaning about the prices of the meals on offer.
13:20For example, if you want to dine on steak, carrot, mash and cabbage at the pub, it'll cost you £28.
13:25So every newspaper, every single time this pub is mentioned, they all say the same thing.
13:32This pub is expensive.
13:33Now, the fact is, we're cheaper.
13:36Yep.
13:36So here we are, with a totally unfounded reputation in the Mirror, the Mail, the Express and all of the
13:42newspapers, that we're expensive when we're not.
13:44Yeah.
13:45I mean, bearing in mind, as you say, our ingredients are costing more than all these other pubs.
13:49Yeah.
13:50You know, we're paying more for the food than any other pub and charging less.
13:55So we have to put the prices up.
13:57And I think we can put the prices up to what people think we're charging anyway.
14:02Yeah.
14:03Okay.
14:04Oh, shit.
14:06I'm sure we'll turn it round.
14:08But we've got to get a fair...
14:09Why did you let me buy a pub?
14:11I tried not to.
14:12I hope you did.
14:12So I now have two loss-making businesses.
14:15I shall buy a cinema next.
14:21And then, just when I thought things couldn't get more financially bleak, David the Butcher asked for a meeting to
14:30talk about my rare breed, Sandy and Black pigs.
14:37Oh, look at the face.
14:39Well, I'll take that off so you don't have to look at it any more.
14:44Just...
14:45I just...
14:47That doesn't make it better!
14:52What are you making? Bacon or just...
14:55Erm...
14:56In complete truth, we can't do much with these apart from sausages.
15:00Oh, shit, really?
15:02Yeah.
15:04I'll show you what I mean.
15:07If you came into the counter and we kind of gave you that, I don't think you'd be too happy.
15:13You'd cook it off and it's just like cooking a load of fat, you see.
15:16Is this yours?
15:17Yeah, that's what we're looking for.
15:22It's much bigger in comparison, but the fat that's going through that because of the breed, it's just too much.
15:31I mean, I can see the problem. I'm not going to promise you, well, I couldn't argue with you anyway
15:35because you guys are butchers and I'm not, but I can straight away see that this is, you know, primarily
15:41fat, isn't it?
15:42Yes.
15:43Is that a characteristic of the sandy and black?
15:45Yeah.
15:46Which is why it became a rare breed, because people would rather eat that.
15:50Yes.
15:51Yeah, it's got more meat in it.
15:53Oh.
15:55All that effort and we've got sausages.
15:58Very nice sausages, I might add.
15:59Yeah, no, delicious, I'm sure.
16:01Very expensive sausages.
16:04To produce.
16:08It's loss-making in that, really, isn't it?
16:15Yeah.
16:16It is a tough game, pig farming.
16:19Still, look at it this way.
16:21At least the pub's losing money.
16:30That had been a bad day.
16:34But the following morning, things looked rosier.
16:40As my high-tech, driverless tractor had arrived.
16:49My God.
16:51What a fantastic-looking thing this is.
16:54The Agbot.
16:56I mean, it was quite fun seeing it in the NEC, but seeing it on a farm is when you
17:02realise just how fantastically futuristic it is.
17:09It's Dutch, isn't it?
17:11Yeah, built in Holland.
17:12Diesel engine, generator, two electric motors.
17:15Right, so the diesel engine powers the generator.
17:20And that then powers the two electric motors.
17:22Oh, so, okay, like a modern-day Royal Navy destroyer.
17:26Highly efficient.
17:27Don't lose any power in the drivetrain.
17:31Will, who'd first shown me the Agbot at Lama, then explained how it was able to operate on its own
17:37in a world full of rules and lawsuits.
17:41The first thing is two GPS receivers.
17:44So one does the primary navigation, one checks.
17:48Because what is the satellite in cars now?
17:50They're accurate to within...
17:51A couple of metres.
17:52A couple of metres.
17:52Yeah.
17:53So this is two within...
17:54Two centimetres.
17:54Just under an inch in old-fashioned money.
17:57Next.
17:57On the top, the little blue-coloured dome, a rotating laser beam, for want of a better description.
18:02Okay.
18:03Scans 30 metres around the Agbot.
18:05Oh, if it detects...
18:06If it detects something, it will begin to slow down.
18:09And stop.
18:10So our dogs, for example, which are not the most well-trained dogs in the world.
18:13Yeah.
18:14If the dog were to run in front of it, it would stop.
18:16Slow down and stop.
18:17Yeah.
18:18If all that fails, that, if we touch that, the machine will stop dead in the field.
18:23So it's a great many safety features.
18:26Multiple layers of functional safety, yes.
18:30Despite all this Terminator-style independence, the Agbot can be driven by a human.
18:39But for that, you need a gaming controller.
18:43To take the brake off, one click this way.
18:48Okay.
18:48Set.
18:49Set.
18:49And now the machine is live.
18:52Forward.
18:59Left and right is on this one.
19:04Oh, my God.
19:06This is so...
19:07This is like the remote-controlled toy you always wanted.
19:14See, all those years on Call of Duty...
19:18Even better, Will told me that a job I'd never mastered in five years, hitching things to the back of
19:25a tractor, would now be a doddle.
19:31Right.
19:33Nearly there.
19:35Oh, yeah, we're there.
19:38Go forward a little tiny bit.
19:44There you go.
19:45I did a thing!
19:47I actually hooked a thing!
19:49In!
19:50There you go.
19:50I've done a whole thing!
19:52Well done, proper job.
19:53Me!
19:53I did that!
19:56Oh, this is properly raining now.
19:58Should we retire to the office?
19:59Yeah.
19:59I think we need a cup of coffee to have a think about this.
20:03It's at times like this, you actually do need a tractor with a cab to be in.
20:09That is the drawback I've just uncovered.
20:13While we sheltered from the rain, Will showed me a bit of ground he'd already mapped out so the Agbot
20:21could do a test run.
20:23So we've got to tell it where to start, where to stop.
20:27OK.
20:28This is where it gets very exciting.
20:30You'll like this.
20:31Calculate route.
20:33Ta-da!
20:33Route calculated successfully, right?
20:35Look at that.
20:36There it is.
20:37And we can see...
20:38Oh, so how many passes it's going to do.
20:40Yeah.
20:40And look, you can see what it's going to do, where it's going to turn.
20:43Got a nice light bulb turn there.
20:44Oh, my God!
20:45It's worked out where to turn.
20:46It's worked out where to turn.
20:47There it needs to do a three-point turn, so where it's orange it's going in reverse.
20:51Amazing.
20:52And this is communicating with the machine.
20:56Because this is what...
20:57I have this thing about driverless cars, which are all the rage in the world of motoring.
21:02Yep.
21:02So you need to go and get groceries.
21:04So you get your car to go into town, which you can do, negotiate roundabouts, negotiate traffic lights, find a
21:11parking space and park in it.
21:13But then what?
21:14It can't go into the shop and get the groceries.
21:16You have to go with it.
21:17And if you go with it, you may as well drive it.
21:20Might as well drive it.
21:20Yeah.
21:20It's not difficult to drive a car.
21:21It's not tiring.
21:22So they're pointless.
21:24But this, I can set that going.
21:26I know I've got three and a half hours to go and do something else.
21:29Absolutely.
21:30This is where autonomous driving really makes sense.
21:37After the rain had stopped, we climbed into the Range Rover and from the passenger seat, I piloted the Agbot
21:44to the test area.
21:46Here we go.
21:47So, implement up.
21:51Okay.
21:52And handbrake off.
21:57No way.
22:01Holy mother of God.
22:09That is fantastic.
22:14However, while the Agbot was chugging along nicely...
22:19Oh, yeah.
22:20...us two in the cheap seats were struggling a bit.
22:29Stuck?
22:32Uh...
22:33Hang on.
22:35I've had a great idea what we got.
22:43Ready?
22:44Yeah, we're good to go, yeah?
22:46Steady as we go.
22:47Taking up the slack.
22:53Oh, you're having a laugh.
23:06Has anyone in the world ever towed themselves out?
23:10While driving the vehicle that's doing the towing.
23:15Thanks to the Agbot, we eventually reached the field.
23:21Where it could get on with its day job.
23:24Press and hold button one.
23:28Auto-driving.
23:29It's now driving itself.
23:30It is.
23:31It's hunting for its start point.
23:32It's hunting for its start point, yep.
23:33Like a dog.
23:36It's just...
23:37I'm not turning.
23:38I'm not turning that.
23:39I am not turning.
23:45It's at its start point.
23:46Press and hold button two.
23:48Okay?
23:53And it's going.
23:55That's it.
23:57Wow.
24:08Oh, it's turning. It's turning.
24:09Here it comes.
24:10Here it's turning.
24:21Okay, it's done it.
24:23That's sold itself to me a thousand times over.
24:36This is quite unbelievable to me.
24:38You think you're driving in a straight line, but then you look up, you see a bird, the phone rings,
24:42you hit a bump, and you're off it.
24:44That is perfection. Look at it.
24:48To the centimetre.
24:52The only thing the Agbot couldn't do anything about was the weather, which had made the field too wet to
24:59cultivate properly.
25:01But for now, it had proved its point.
25:05Let's just stop it now.
25:10It's like...
25:11It's almost like if you'd have arrived at the Battle of Hastings with a Harrier jump jet.
25:16It's how I'm feeling with that now. It's...
25:21Bloody hell.
25:36While we waited for the soil to dry out, there were other jobs to do.
25:41Like releasing the guinea fowl.
25:44The time has come.
25:46Who had now completed their five days settling in period.
25:52We let them out, but we let them out in a very narrow prescribed area, which is this half of
25:58the wood.
25:58Yeah.
25:59And the thing about guinea fowl is, if Mr Fox comes, they'll just scootle up a tree and Mr Fox
26:04can't do that.
26:09Come on, guinea fowl.
26:11Freedom!
26:12Look, here we are.
26:14Look at their little faces.
26:18One of them's going to go and then they're all going to go.
26:20Yeah, I know.
26:21You can see them, they're trying to pluck up courage.
26:23Yeah.
26:23It's like when I was seven on a diving board at the swimming pool.
26:26Yes, yes.
26:27Oh, I can't.
26:28And you know you're going to do it, but you're just like, oh, I can't.
26:31Because in Donkaston, no one could swim.
26:34That's why I got on the swimming team in Donkaston, because I was the only person that didn't drown in
26:38water.
26:40Oh, he's gone.
26:41He's gone.
26:42He actually fell out, to be honest.
26:44And that's...
26:44He fell out.
26:45That was on the diving board being pushed.
26:47Oh, they're all coming.
26:48Yeah, look.
26:51Oh, that's fantastic.
26:52Now they can see.
26:55Oh, that really makes me happy.
27:03But actually, that is hurting a pit.
27:06There's a pit in that that's hurting the air.
27:08Our bedroom is there.
27:11That's the soundtrack of our lives from now on.
27:15I bought my two-year-old granddaughter while I went into the shop at Christmas and said,
27:20can I have the noisiest toys you have?
27:22Because I knew it would annoy my daughter.
27:24And she's repaid me with the noisiest farmyard animals that you can get.
27:32Christ almighty, they're loud.
27:46Try as they might, the guinea fowl didn't get to spoil our weekend lion, though.
27:52Because we'd already been dragged out of bed by something of an emergency.
28:00Hello.
28:01Hi, Charlie.
28:02Hello.
28:03We have a problem.
28:06Okay.
28:06About a hundred, well, more than a hundred,
28:10that's the word, travelling people have arrived at the pub car park and set up shop.
28:22A hundred? What vehicles?
28:24I haven't gone over there.
28:26I just think I'd make things worse, but a lot.
28:29And they've got horses, um, an enormous number.
28:38So, have they come to camp?
28:41I don't know.
28:41I don't know.
28:42I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
28:43I haven't been over there.
28:45But, I mean, one of our, um, you know Ben the cameraman?
28:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:49He went over and, um, was invited to, forgive the language, fuck off.
28:55Um, and he was, he was just...
28:57And he's not small?
28:58No, he's a big lad.
28:59So, now we need to know what their objectives are.
29:02Are they going to stay?
29:03Don't know.
29:04Or are they going to go...?
29:06What? I don't know.
29:06Let's go.
29:10Whoa, whoa, whoa.
29:11Where are you going?
29:12I've got to get over there.
29:13Where?
29:14The pub.
29:15You're not going to...
29:15There's chaos.
29:16You are not a diplomat and you have a dicky heart.
29:19Out.
29:20You're not going, Jeremy.
29:22Come on, let's go.
29:23Park that car back there now.
29:28Fortunately, Ben, the cameraman, refused the traveller's kind invitation to F off.
29:35And managed to keep filming with his camera and drone.
29:40Get out of the mix, mammy, yeah?
29:41Got it.
29:42Small Charlie's ringing Brendan.
29:45And it soon became apparent the travellers were using our car park as a base for
29:49some kind of horse and buggy racing event on the nearby dual carriageway.
29:57There is very old bylaws.
29:59You are allowed to exercise your horse on the road,
30:02so they're totally allowed to do what they're doing here today.
30:04The police are all over it.
30:05They can't stop them.
30:07In terms of the farmers' dog pub and site and our customers,
30:10nobody can get in.
30:11It's completely blocked.
30:16This meant we had no choice but to sit on our hands and wait.
30:35Four hours later, though, they finished up, went on their way,
30:39and we could finally get the pub open.
30:47They haven't left much litter, which I was worried about.
30:49We've done a litter pick.
30:51Oh, have you?
30:52They came.
30:52With just cans and stuff?
30:53Oh, no, syringes.
30:55They obviously inject the horses, I'm not an expert, but...
30:57Syringes?
30:58Yeah.
30:59Shit.
31:00I know, and they've given me this.
31:05It's for your padlock and the rubbish that they left,
31:08and they hope that...
31:09Well, 150 quid?
31:11Yeah.
31:14So they break in...
31:16Yeah.
31:16..and then pay for the damage?
31:18Well, this is some...
31:19Yeah.
31:20Open a pub.
31:21Be fun.
31:22I have to say.
31:22And then have problems like this to do.
31:24Yeah.
31:24Never expected this one.
31:30A couple of days later, with the fields drying nicely,
31:34we could at last get cracking with our new high-tech crop planting programme.
31:41Right.
31:42Ranging pole.
31:43This, we'll talk to this, and we'll record the points as we go around the field.
31:48Job one involved Agbot Will and I mapping the fields so that the Agbot's GPS system would know where it
31:54was.
31:56Save this point.
31:57Yeah, perfect.
31:58So now we go to the next point.
32:00OK.
32:01If we're staying in line with a hedge, this is straight.
32:04Yep.
32:05Let's save that, shall we?
32:07Save.
32:09Right.
32:10Splitaways is mapped.
32:12While we were inputting all the data into the Agbot's brain...
32:16There it is.
32:16Oh, there it is.
32:17Yeah.
32:18Oh, wow, that's what we did.
32:19That's what we walked, yeah.
32:21Jacob, the Dutch potato farmer, was out in our fields...
32:26...taking underground readings so we'd know where the soil was good...
32:32...and where it wasn't.
32:39Jacob can look down into the centre of the earth...
32:43Yeah.
32:43...like an echo sounder in a submarine.
32:45Something like that, yes.
32:47As he'd explained in Holland, red denoted the rich areas of soil...
32:52...and dark blue, the weaker patches.
32:55And with this information, we could now do targeted seed planting.
33:01If we get the Agbot, OK, and we say, when you're going over this red bit...
33:07...pummel the ground, you know, like machine gunfire.
33:11When you're going over this blue bit...
33:13Yeah.
33:13It changes the rate at which it's planting the seed.
33:18I already made a map for the Agbot, so you could drill variable.
33:22I made that map.
33:24And it wasn't just variable rate seed planting.
33:27With this new information, we could now fertilise the field more efficiently by doing targeted muck spreading.
33:34And as a bonus, we had a mountain of rather special muck ready to go.
33:41That's not cow muck.
33:43That's not cow muck.
33:44Bet you can't guess what animal that came out of the back of.
33:50Nope. I'm afraid you're wrong.
33:53It actually came out of these guys.
33:56They live about ten miles away from Diddly Squatter to local tourist attraction.
34:03Here we are, the Cotswold Wildlife Park.
34:07And last year, Reggie, the owner, had said he'd be happy for us to help ourselves to everything that came
34:15out of their bottoms.
34:17I've always felt that this is quite special stuff because, actually, they've got a very short stomach, rhinos, and so
34:24it's very fibrous.
34:25It's full of nutritional material. It's much better than cow dums.
34:28Oh, is it?
34:29Well, I think so because cow dums had much more taken out of it. It's been because of the second
34:33stomach and all the rest of it.
34:35Whereas this stuff is neat. It even smells quite wholesome and fresh when it comes out the first time round.
34:40And it's just sort of ready to go.
34:42You're my new favourite person.
34:44Whilst our trailers were being loaded, we said goodbye to the donors.
34:51And then there was a little surprise for Caleb.
34:55See the baby camel there? Yeah.
34:58The little six-week-old one. Yeah.
35:00Just been talking to one of the people who work here.
35:02You know what they've called it?
35:03Know what?
35:04Caleb.
35:06Have they actually?
35:06Yeah, they have.
35:07Because it's got, it's had one of your endless hairstyles, it's got.
35:12So they said it looks like Caleb Cooper and they've named it Caleb.
35:15That's made my day.
35:16Look, you can see it's stupid hair.
35:18It's not stupid. It's great. Look at it.
35:20That's, yeah, they've named it after you.
35:22Caleb.
35:29Back in the present, the dung from this prehistoric animal was about to be spread using space-age technology.
35:37When it goes over a red bit...
35:39It will put on...
35:41Less.
35:41Yeah.
35:42Than when it goes over a blue bit.
35:43You're putting more on the blue bits.
35:45Yeah.
35:46Technology blows my mind when I'm 26 years old.
35:48Imagine being a 60-year-old farmer, sat here.
35:50Well, no, not you.
35:52But you...
35:53Not you.
35:55Do you know what I mean?
35:55No, this is because we went over the holland for the day.
35:58Yeah.
35:59And now look where we are.
36:00Now look at us.
36:01But if your yield goes through...
36:03Through the roof, it's worth doing, isn't it?
36:04Yeah.
36:07All we needed now was for the technology to work.
36:19I know now he's coming up to a very good bit of soil.
36:23So the amount coming out of the back should reduce dramatically.
36:26And it has done, look.
36:27It has done.
36:30Look, it's hardly any.
36:31It's like a fine mist of faeces.
36:34Jeez, I think it's working.
36:37Now look, it's getting thicker again.
36:42This is honestly amazing.
36:44On that corner, it went to five tonnes a hectare.
36:47Now I'm on 45 tonnes a hectare.
36:51What, you're impressed with it?
36:53Really impressed.
36:55Well, now is the time to really surprise him.
37:03While Caleb carried on with his mathematical muck spreading...
37:07It's about under 25 now.
37:10I went to fetch the agbot so it could start cultivating.
37:24So, what'd you do?
37:34Whoop!
37:37When these lights on the top go green...
37:40...the agbot will know which field it's in and be ready to start work.
37:47Whoop!
37:48I have done a good job!
37:56Right.
37:58What the fuck is that?
38:00The Agbot.
38:01I've made your tractor.
38:0321st century with its new stuff.
38:06This is the 24th century.
38:08I've mapped this field.
38:09I went all the way around it the other day with a prong.
38:12So it knows the field.
38:13We're going to get it to its start point.
38:15I then go to the pub.
38:16It drives itself?
38:18Well, you can just go.
38:19Oh, yeah.
38:20And it will cultivate this field.
38:22What about if it blocks up?
38:25It'll ring me.
38:27What happens if you've snapped a tine?
38:29You wouldn't know that even if you were...
38:30Stop being negative.
38:32No, you would.
38:32I'll just look behind as I'm driving up and down the field.
38:35Come on, admit it.
38:37This is superb.
38:38It's Dutch.
38:40And I don't have to pay you to cultivate the field.
38:43That's basically taking my job.
38:45It has.
38:46Where's it going to start, then?
38:47It should start where you've been muck spreading.
38:50And it will do the steering to find its start point.
38:53Go on, then.
38:54Set it going.
38:54It's not going to work.
38:56It will.
38:56It won't.
39:02It should be turning left any minute now, which I'm not doing.
39:07Oh, yeah.
39:09Yes.
39:12Look at that.
39:14Is he going to drop it in, then?
39:15Hang on.
39:17Yay!
39:20Behold my technology at work.
39:29That is the starship enterprise of farming.
39:41Oh, he stopped.
39:42That went well.
39:43Shit.
39:44Error detected.
39:46Localisation.
39:47Joy lift.
39:48Hitch tool link.
39:50Fold off.
39:51What the fuck does all that?
39:52That's farmers.
39:53Fortunately, Agbot Will was on hand.
39:56Press and hold button two.
39:57No, we've got to get it off the handbrake, haven't we?
39:59Let go of two.
40:00Press the pause button.
40:04Please.
40:06And it stopped again.
40:08Oh, this is a great day to be alive.
40:10You're doing a great job cultivating.
40:13Honestly.
40:13No, ignore him.
40:16What does Novotel messages are too late mean on it?
40:21It's not picking the GPS receiver up.
40:23For whatever reason, the message is delayed.
40:26It's not reading the satellite?
40:27Not reading the satellite quick enough.
40:29Oh, for fuck's sake.
40:31Look at this lot.
40:32I'm going to get in the tractor and start up and it's going to work.
40:35Just ignore him.
40:36He'll go away.
40:37OK.
40:40Listen!
40:44So it's scanning round to look at its environment.
40:47And then when it's happy, it'll go.
40:50Press and hold button two.
40:51One click.
40:52Press the pause button.
40:58Come on.
41:00Please, come on.
41:01Please, please, please work.
41:04Yes.
41:06Oh.
41:08I just stopped again.
41:09For fuck's sake.
41:13Fucking hell.
41:21Are you all ready for your autonomous cars?
41:23Hope so.
41:25I'm not.
41:27So are they...
41:28The factory in Holland are now...
41:30Are looking at that.
41:31They're talking to that.
41:32They have looked into that.
41:32They are talking to that.
41:33This is the problem.
41:34If it has an app, it won't work.
41:36If anyone can remotely access something, it won't work.
41:45It's going well over there.
41:47What's the factory saying now?
41:50Boot up.
41:52Finally, we were ready for another attempt.
41:58Right.
42:00Cultivator's gone down.
42:01I'm not doing that.
42:02Weight box is going down.
42:05Come on.
42:06Come on.
42:06Come on.
42:06Come on.
42:09Come on.
42:09Come on.
42:11Come on.
42:12Come on.
42:13Yes.
42:15Yes.
42:17Come on.
42:18Yes.
42:19Come on, little fella.
42:21Doing it.
42:28When the Agbot finished its first pass and turned to do its second, I knew we were in business.
42:49even caleb was absolutely bowled over is it doing a good job yeah it's all right
43:06and that's it and i can go and get on with another job
43:18sadly it was a job i was dreading
43:25because ever since david the butcher had shown me what a small amount of meat my pigs were producing
43:33i'd known there was only one option
43:42i love the pigs i have absolutely i've just been delighted with every day i'm down there they make
43:50me heart sing i'm so happy with them but we we're running a business here yep
43:58and they make no financial sense at all
44:08and so over the next few days we'd be saying goodbye to all of them hello wieners
44:22you are funny
44:28i mean they're going off anyway but it's time for them to be
44:34moved on
44:38the difference this time though is that there'd be no new piglets to replace them
44:57these are all the threads and clumsies these are the last of the boys
45:03that's it there you go go on
45:21they had a good life didn't they yeah not really long life
45:30it was even harder to say goodbye to the next group because it included one of the mothers from the
45:37first batch we'd bought three years earlier oh surprise
45:45it was the first pig we had that gave birth
45:57go on
46:00go
46:01go
46:01go
46:01go
46:01go go go remember it's for the better good
46:06What? For the better good.
46:08It's still fucking sad.
46:16All good? Well, no, not really, because of the poor old surprise.
46:20As long as you cry once, I've left. I'm not too confident.
46:22I'm not going to cry. Are you sure?
46:26All right, thanks, Jess. Take care of yourself. Safe travels.
46:29Thanks, Caleb. See you later, Jess.
46:45Finally, the day came to say goodbye to the last two original mothers.
46:52Clumsy and Suez.
46:56A lot of happy memories from them. I know.
47:00The one bit of good news in this whole sad saga
47:04is that these two had at least been saved from the slaughterhouse.
47:09They're going off to a farm where it's like a school,
47:13so children go and they go, these are pigs.
47:17Oh, girls, you love it. So they're going to have a...
47:20They're going to be headmistresses in a school.
47:22Yeah, well, they're going off to be exhibits in a school.
47:26Are you going to keep their names?
47:28Yes.
47:28Clumsy and Suez.
47:29Clumsy and Suez, yeah.
47:30They're going to be very good names.
47:32That's the important thing, because they're brilliant, these two.
47:35No, I couldn't really have handled it.
47:38If they'd gone off to be eaten.
47:41You know they've had four batches of piglets, Lisa.
47:44Do you know how many they've had in total between them?
47:46No.
47:46Four lots, yeah?
47:48Seventy pigs.
47:49They've survived.
47:51Seventy.
47:51Seventy.
47:52Good girls.
47:53That's pretty good, actually.
47:55Oh, look.
47:55Here we go.
47:57Here we go.
47:57You are dealing with clumsy there.
48:00Oh, well done, Lisa.
48:03There's Suez waiting, look, patiently.
48:06Hello, Suez.
48:08Who's a good pig?
48:09Who's a good pig?
48:12Who's a good pig?
48:14We're going to miss you.
48:16We're going to miss you.
48:22Come on, Suez.
48:26Come on.
48:26Here we go.
48:27Here we go.
48:28Here we go.
48:29Come on.
48:30Here we go.
48:32Come on.
48:38All right, Mark, safe travels.
48:40Yeah, no worries.
48:40Thank you very much.
48:42Thanks a lot.
48:58Well done.
48:58You gave them a great life.
49:14Come on, piggies.
49:16Welcome to diddly squat.
49:18You're so cute.
49:20Aren't they just the best?
49:21It's not time to make a change.
49:25Just relax.
49:27Take it easy.
49:29You're still young.
49:30Uh-oh.
49:31So, Sal is now going to join Lisa.
49:34Shelby!
49:37Who's going to look after them?
49:40Me.
49:41You're having sex.
49:43Lovely romantic.
49:45It's Barry White.
49:46Get the briskets, darling.
49:47Get the briskets.
49:49Which one for?
49:51What the bloody hell is that?
49:53Has one of the pigs been sick in my pocket?
49:56When you're not here, Coogan.
49:59Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
50:03Put a new set of unbearing up, which is easily done, yes?
50:14Oh, she's energyed.
50:17Good little one.
50:18Well done, Mum.
50:20Ten piggies.
50:22This is the best bit of farming I've had so far.
50:30She's obviously squashing them.
50:32Oh, no.
50:45My bonus.
50:48Oh, God.
50:51I hate to admit this.
50:53Yes.
50:54Clarkson's ring, it works.
50:57Oh, my God.
50:58There's loads.
51:09Look how feisty he's become.
51:12That is Richard Hammond, if you spill his pint.
51:15If they were right, I'd agree.
51:18Yes.
51:19But it's them they know, not me.
51:22Now there's a way.
51:23Calm the down, look.
51:24And I know that I have to go away.
51:29I know I have to go.
51:34Let's go.
51:35I can't see you.
51:36Go away.
51:42Follow Caleb.
51:43This is Houston Control.
51:44Mate, you've logged into my tractor.
51:46Call me Flight.
51:47The first dare-food night at the farmer's dock.
51:50Lamb's brain here.
51:51Stuffed heart.
51:52Have you smelt it?
51:53You make you crazy in a mouth.
51:56RP-33?
51:58Yep.
51:58You found a grant.
51:59They pay us to slow the water down.
52:01That machine is amazing.
52:03Endgame's first child.
52:06There's a head.
52:07It's all yours now, yeah?
52:47It's all yours now, yeah?
53:01It's all yours now.
53:08It's all yours now.
53:10It's all yours now.
53:22I'm not going to go very well with the
53:29You
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