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TV ve DiziDöküm
03:18M.K.
03:28M.K.
04:50İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
05:23Mora'a iyi bir süredir.
05:25Zacc ve Aleykiler de çok izledi.
05:27Miraya'a çok fazla altyazı var.
05:32İçeride,
05:33ki,
05:34''Beyse deyince,
05:37bir şarkı var.''
05:38Bir şarkı var.
05:39Bir şarkı var.
05:40Bir şarkı var.
05:41on a show that had more F-bombs in one episode
05:45than I hear at work in a week.
05:49The card game,
05:50it was just another instance of like not feeling considered.
05:53Like you know I would never in a million years
05:55read out loud what it says on this card.
05:59But these things did bother us
06:02and we thought it'd be nice, you know,
06:04if there was less of it.
06:06We just wanted to, you know, bring that to Mariah's attention
06:11İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
06:13Çünkü Amber really looks up to you.
06:16Ve not to say you need to change this
06:18or you need to change that
06:19or you're not doing something good enough
06:22or you're doing it wrong
06:23and I know Amber is strong
06:24and she's not just gonna follow
06:28one person in their footsteps.
06:31We brought it to Mariah
06:32because we want the best for Mariah
06:34we want the best for Amber
06:36and I want to
06:38say whatever needs to be said
06:40I think for a long time
06:42being angry was just uncomfortable
06:44for me it's like I can't be angry
06:46but I've also come to terms
06:48with the fact that there is
06:50a righteous anger and
06:51that is necessary and that is good.
06:54You know we're
06:5511 people in the family
06:58there's gonna be clashes
07:00you know we just
07:02need to accept
07:03everybody as best we can and
07:06it's not gonna be
07:07we're not all gonna be the same.
07:10Yeah.
07:11So there's gonna need to be
07:13you know some
07:15tolerance for
07:16maybe somebody drinks
07:17and watches weird stuff on TV
07:19you know.
07:23Lydia doesn't see a problem
07:24with them sitting people down
07:26and correcting them.
07:27But when I talk to everybody else
07:29yeah it was.
07:32I feel like there needs to be
07:34a little more communication
07:35about it.
07:36I don't feel like that
07:37topic is done yet.
07:42Zach and I enjoyed our time in Montana
07:44but at the same time
07:45we just once again
07:46didn't feel considered
07:48in really anything.
07:53Another time being misunderstood
07:57and...
07:58yeah.
08:12So here I am on an adventure
08:14to meet someone that I
08:16don't know who she is
08:19but I'm soon gonna find out.
08:37Hello.
08:37Hi.
08:38I'm Barry.
08:39I'm Jonah.
08:40Jonah?
08:41Nice to meet you.
08:41I'm a hugger.
08:41Oh you're a hugger?
08:43Awesome.
08:44Well it's a pleasure to meet you.
08:45Very nice to meet you.
08:46Have a seat.
08:46I turn around, stand up and see Jonah.
08:50She's very petite.
08:52I'm like wow.
08:54That's a nice little thing.
08:56So it's a very good start.
08:57I guess you can say
08:59it's my first time at
09:01going into this realm of blind dates.
09:04I've never done one before.
09:05This is my first time.
09:07Me too.
09:11So.
09:13My name is Jonah.
09:14I've been divorced for about
09:16nine years.
09:19Dating here in Tallahassee
09:21after you've turned 40
09:23and you have children
09:24is difficult because
09:27everybody knows everyone here.
09:29So did you, did you like
09:31go online and find anything out?
09:34Maybe a little.
09:37I would've.
09:39If I were, if I were...
09:40Did you know anything about me?
09:42All I knew was
09:43you were in your forties.
09:45You were athletic.
09:46You were blonde
09:47and very good looking.
09:50Well, they described me perfectly.
09:52Yeah.
09:53I think, you know,
09:54Jonah's physically my type
09:55and I'm hoping I'm making
09:56a good first impression.
09:58Cause I like what I see.
10:03I feel like there's some things to talk about.
10:06We kind of need to address
10:08how Lydia and Zach have sat people down
10:10and the family and told them they're not living right.
10:14You're not going to find any healing in that.
10:17You do lift.
10:18Not as much as you, obviously.
10:20Well, I like the jump.
10:21I'm feeling like she has an interest.
10:24I'm hoping that he wants to kiss me.
10:27I'm all about a kiss on the first date.
10:39So, how old are you?
10:40I'm 57.
10:42Okay.
10:42And I take it you're in your 40.
10:4446.
10:4546.
10:46Yeah.
10:46Yeah.
10:47Well, you look wonderful for 46.
10:48You look very young.
10:50Oh, keep on coming.
10:51Yeah.
10:51Keep the compliments coming.
10:54Yeah.
10:54Yes.
10:55Okay.
11:00But yeah.
11:01Yeah.
11:02So, and that's a great shade of blue.
11:04Thank you.
11:04I like it.
11:05I like it.
11:07And blue is one of my favorite colors.
11:12There's always the butterflies like the,
11:14we just never know what could happen here.
11:17You know, will it flow?
11:19Will it be like silence?
11:21Will there be awkward silence?
11:23So how many, how many children do you have?
11:25Four.
11:26You have four?
11:27And have you heard anything about how many children I might have?
11:33How many do you have?
11:35I have more than four.
11:37Okay, so.
11:38Wow.
11:39And it's a, it's not double digits, but it's maxing out
11:43at the single digit level.
11:47Well, for me, four was enough.
11:50Once we quickly got in the conversation, some of my fears were put aside
11:54because she was really responding in a good way.
11:56And so, you know, one thing just led to another and we just kept talking.
12:00We took the, the be fruitful and multiply seriously.
12:04Well, apparently.
12:05Are you Catholic?
12:06No.
12:07No, I'm just, I'm just a regular, uh, Christian.
12:10Not any flavor.
12:12I'm not either.
12:13So do you go to a, a church here locally?
12:15I don't.
12:15Uh, you know, I'm, I'm religious.
12:18I grew up as a Southern Baptist.
12:20Organized religion is really not my thing.
12:23Yeah, yeah.
12:23I believe in God.
12:25Yeah.
12:25I pray, but I don't.
12:27You don't go to church right now.
12:29No.
12:29Yeah.
12:30No denomination or anything, so.
12:32Yeah.
12:33Yeah.
12:34I'm getting good feedback, uh, from Jonah about her faith, right?
12:38And she may not attend a, a church right now, but she, she has a, a strong faith in God.
12:44So we're connecting at that level.
12:46Ah, awesome.
12:47Oh, thank you.
12:47You're welcome.
12:48Let me know if you guys need anything else.
12:50We're striking a, a good chord there, I think, together.
12:54How do your children feel about you doing something like this?
12:59Well, the younger girls, they're kind of curious about that.
13:03And then there is an aspect where they want to see me happy and thriving in a new relationship.
13:11But they want it to be the right one.
13:14Yeah.
13:15I'm feeling like she has an interest.
13:18There's this, uh, look that she has.
13:22This, this has been 27 years since I've had this type of, uh, experience.
13:27I'm like, in my mind I'm going, this is turning out better than I had imagined.
13:32Okay, you look great by the way.
13:34Thank you.
13:35Thank you.
13:36I hope I got the longevity gene happening.
13:39I was kind of nervous going into this, but he immediately made me feel very comfortable
13:46and he's making eye contact with me, which is something I really like.
13:52Do you, uh, do you like to do things that are, like, athletic and sports-oriented?
13:58I go to the gym five days a week.
14:00Oh, you're a gym type?
14:01Yeah.
14:02Very much so.
14:03Really?
14:04Really?
14:04Yeah.
14:05Wow.
14:05And I lift.
14:07You do lift?
14:08Yeah, I do.
14:09Not as much as you, obviously.
14:10Well, I, I like the gym.
14:12You might be able to tell that I, I do like to hang out at the gym.
14:17He's certainly, uh, got the guns going on.
14:21I love it.
14:24So, it looks like in the gym we could be a great complimentary...
14:28I think so.
14:30I'm gonna push you.
14:32I'm ready to be pushed.
14:34Little bitty me.
14:35I'm like, yes.
14:40I think I'm gonna whip his butt in the gym.
14:44Good stuff.
14:46So, let's break the ice.
14:49Yeah.
14:51What are you looking for in a relationship after being married for so long with nine kids?
15:01Well, I'm looking for someone who likes adventure, wants to travel.
15:06Personality-wise, you know, outgoing, um, fun-loving, likes to laugh.
15:13Not too serious, right?
15:14Are you trying to describe me?
15:19If you ask around Tallahassee, a lot of people know me because I'm in real estate.
15:25So, they'll tell you that what you see is what you get.
15:28Mm-hmm.
15:29That's great.
15:30That's great.
15:31So, I find out she's a realtor out there in the world making a living.
15:36So, it's all there in a package and it's feeling great.
15:39Mm-hmm.
15:40And, you know, I just want, I wanna develop a relationship where you can just be yourself,
15:45but...
15:45You grow together.
15:47And we grow together.
15:48I agree.
15:49Right?
15:50I need time to just let things develop.
15:56That's kind of where I'm at.
15:58Well, that's me too.
15:59I've been divorced for eight or nine years now.
16:03Mm-hmm.
16:03So, I've dated, I've had long-term relationships, but...
16:10Nothing...
16:11Not something that really...
16:13You haven't found the one.
16:14I haven't found the one, so...
16:19Well, I get a very good vibe.
16:22You're giving me...
16:22Me too.
16:23I've really enjoyed this.
16:25Shall we, like, set up a time for, like, another date?
16:30I would love that.
16:39You guys, why don't you, why don't you just wrap things up?
16:41I need to go and get a bite to eat with her.
16:46I'm hoping that he, uh, wants to kiss me.
16:52I am totally open to it.
16:53I'm all about a kiss on the first date.
16:58Let's make this an adventure.
16:59Well, let's do it.
17:03So, this is me.
17:05Yeah, nice.
17:06Convertible.
17:08It was a pleasure.
17:09I did not kiss her.
17:11I have a standing rule, I just don't kiss on first blind dates.
17:14But, I could tell.
17:16She was...
17:17Willing to receive.
17:19Are you looking forward to it?
17:22Yes.
17:22I am looking forward to it.
17:24Yeah, I can feel it.
17:26I couldn't ask for it to turn out any better, actually.
17:36He's never told me I shouldn't drink.
17:38I would love for him to.
17:40They were brought into your house.
17:42She lent you her car for the weekend.
17:44Now you want to sit her down, tell her what she's doing wrong,
17:46because you think what she's doing doesn't honor God.
17:49A normal person would know their place and be like,
17:52okay, I personally disagree with that,
17:54but it's not my place to go and tell them what they can and cannot do
17:56when I'm being welcomed into their home.
18:11I'm back home from the road trip with me and Lydia,
18:15and Barry is coming over today.
18:17I just wanted to talk to him about my trip to see Ethan.
18:21Even though Barry and I are divorced,
18:23we're both parents of some wonderful kids,
18:27and occasionally it's good to communicate about some of those things,
18:31so we're on the same page.
18:33Hello.
18:34Hey.
18:34How you doing?
18:35Yay, my juicer.
18:37Yeah, well, it's my juiceless juicer.
18:39I've been... No, it's my juicer.
18:40I know.
18:41I bought it.
18:42Set it on the dining room table.
18:43I'll set it on the dining room table.
18:44I didn't get to use it, but it's back with you.
18:47Thank you.
18:48Again.
18:49Okay.
18:49Well, great.
18:50You want to sit some...
18:52And I can update you on my trip with Ethan.
18:55Yes.
18:55I would like to kind of find out what's going on up there.
18:57I haven't talked with him recently, so...
19:00I really didn't know what he and Tegan's relationship was like.
19:03I didn't know if they're back together, if they're not back together.
19:07I was assuming it was on the way out and it wasn't going to work.
19:10Well, I have a better understanding now of it from talking to Ethan and from talking to Tegan.
19:16Do you know why they broke up?
19:19It was Ethan's birthday and Tegan drove from Wisconsin to Minnesota to surprise him.
19:27Then they got into a little bit of an argument, but something that Tegan did or said, Ethan said he
19:34looked at her and he saw Olivia.
19:37Like he freaked out and he just got in his vehicle and drove off and he turned off his phone
19:43and he didn't come back for like 12 hours.
19:45Okay, so he's got a lot of stuff to work through still.
19:49Yeah, because see, then Tegan just left.
19:51She looked for him, drove around looking for him for a couple hours and then she just left and went
19:55back to Wisconsin.
19:56Poor girl.
19:57And then called and broke up with him the next day.
20:01She was left hanging.
20:03Yeah.
20:03She was really left hanging.
20:05She does love Ethan.
20:06I just feel like she just doesn't even know if it's possible to move forward.
20:14I feel awful for Tegan.
20:15I can't imagine driving five or six hours to go see your boyfriend and then you get there and something
20:22happens and then he just leaves and you've got to drive all the way back home and still not know
20:27what's going on.
20:29That would be heartbreaking.
20:31I think he needs more time to heal.
20:33Before he gets into a serious relationship, because he's been through so much and he's got a...
20:38He does need to give it time, but I feel like he also needs to learn some basic communication skills.
20:44He has to tell somebody, look, I can't handle this right now.
20:48I'll be back.
20:49I gotta...
20:49I need some space.
20:50Yeah.
20:51And I think he knows it's gonna be a long haul.
20:53It's not gonna be a quick fix.
20:55So...
20:55But she may realize, you know, he just needs more time and it may not be the right fit.
21:01Yeah.
21:02Ethan really needs to work on Ethan.
21:06He gets triggered by some things and I don't know what the solution to that is.
21:10I don't know if it's healthy for him to try to make a relationship work when he's in the state
21:14of the psychological mindset that he's in.
21:18You know, neither one of us are the world's best communicators.
21:21I mean, I had to talk to Ethan before he got married about sex.
21:27Because you never talk to him, right?
21:30Mm-hmm.
21:31She's like, so he got some advice for you.
21:34You know, you're about to get married.
21:35She says...
21:39There's two holes.
21:43Make sure you get the right one.
21:49I usually get blamed for not being a good communicator more than you do.
21:55Right.
21:55Right.
21:57Anyway.
21:58And then Lydia flew in and rode back with me.
22:02So did you hash out all the issues of life?
22:05You know, there was one thing that she posted online recently.
22:11She was talking about Joshua, and it was hard for me.
22:16Because, I mean, she was blaming...
22:20I feel like it was us, but it was more me.
22:22Not for Joshua's death, but for...
22:25Not talking about her?
22:26For her not being able to handle it afterwards.
22:31Most of that blame fell on me.
22:33And...
22:34I mean, you had a whole package to deal with.
22:36Yeah, I mean, we both did.
22:38I don't know that anybody can be equipped for dealing with the loss of their brother.
22:42You know?
22:43Right.
22:44Or their child.
22:45You know?
22:47In the beginning, Kim couldn't talk about the accident.
22:51Right?
22:51Because it was...
22:53It was just rough.
22:55Kim was in a storm of her own that she didn't know how to get out of.
23:01Because Kim just couldn't.
23:03When that happened, Lydia was like four.
23:07You can talk about it with a four-year-old, but what did they take away from that?
23:12So I don't know if it's fair for Lydia to say that.
23:16It can still sting.
23:18Yeah.
23:18We've all had to deal with that.
23:19Because, I mean, I still have the play-by-play of everything that I saw that day.
23:25And...
23:26Sometimes it goes through my head.
23:28Mm-hmm.
23:28And I...
23:29But I can't...
23:31I'm not gonna verbalize it.
23:32You know?
23:33Like, I can't.
23:35I feel like Lydia's struggling with Joshua's death.
23:40And...
23:41I...
23:42I hate that for her.
23:44Especially because, you know, I was an integral part of the accident.
23:49Clearly we...
23:50I mean, we both have scars or trauma from that event.
23:54I hate hearing how, you know, that she went through all of that.
23:59And that she's still going through that.
24:01But I also keep hearing about things that Lydia and Zach have been saying and doing with, you know, to
24:07other people.
24:08I mean, I feel like, at this point, the air needs to be cleared with everyone.
24:13There is one thing I need to talk about.
24:16I also need child support.
24:19I'm giving you child support.
24:20You're giving me half.
24:21That's all I can afford.
24:23I cannot indefinitely get half child support.
24:31He's not paying me the full amount of child support until his house sells.
24:36It's been on the market for a year.
24:37It's not selling.
24:38We're five years into being separated.
24:42And...
24:43I'm still waiting for child support.
24:47All right.
24:49I think it's raining out, but...
24:51I'll make a quick run.
24:53Bye.
24:58Bye.
25:21So today I'm working on building some benches.
25:24I've started just doing that kind of on the side.
25:25I enjoy it.
25:26And I'm making a bench for my mom because she had mentioned that she wanted one.
25:31This morning, I think she's going to come by and check it out.
25:35Hey, what's up, Ethan?
25:36Good morning.
25:37How was your flight last night?
25:39No, it was fine.
25:41I'm back in Georgia.
25:42See everybody.
25:44It's Lydia and Zach's anniversary of their wedding.
25:47So that'll be going on next week.
25:50You miss it down here or are you glad you're up in Wisconsin?
25:54No, I'm glad I'm up there.
25:57Well, that's good.
25:59Miss you down here though, for sure.
26:05Hey.
26:07What's up?
26:07Hey.
26:08How are you guys doing?
26:09Good, how about you?
26:11Good.
26:12I haven't seen you in a while.
26:13Yeah, I haven't seen you in a while.
26:14I've seen you.
26:14I haven't seen you.
26:15How are you doing?
26:16Good.
26:16How about you?
26:17Good.
26:17Are you last night?
26:18Yeah.
26:20Good to see you.
26:21Wow, this is looking good.
26:23Yeah, thanks.
26:25How's it going with Tegan?
26:27Oh, it's going good.
26:28Good.
26:29I'm talking and spending some time together here and there.
26:32Yeah.
26:33So are you guys dating now or not yet?
26:35No, not officially.
26:36Just friends still?
26:37Yeah.
26:38Okay.
26:39Oh yeah, Tegan's coming down next weekend.
26:41Oh, good.
26:42So should I see all you guys again?
26:44Yeah, good.
26:45That'll be fun.
26:47Yeah.
26:49Things are going okay in Wisconsin.
26:51Me and Tegan have seen each other like once or twice.
26:53I found a therapist that I think I like.
26:57But sometimes it's good to have like just a neutral party.
27:03and, you know, that can help you, maybe give you some pointers on how to deal with stuff
27:06and let it, instead of it all not being up in your head.
27:10How did your road trip back from Wisconsin go?
27:14Oh, it was good.
27:15We had some interesting conversations on the drive back.
27:19We talked about what happened with her and Zach in Montana, stuff like that.
27:23Was there anything particular?
27:24He said, I know he was telling Mariah she shouldn't be drinking.
27:28Well, I drink around him all the time.
27:30He's never told me I shouldn't drink.
27:33I would love for him to.
27:34Yeah, he was like, you have alcohol in your house.
27:36You got card games that don't honor God.
27:39The TV shows you watch don't honor God.
27:41You literally were brought into your house.
27:45She lent you her car for the weekend.
27:47Now you want to sit her down, tell her what she's doing wrong
27:48because you think what she's doing doesn't honor God.
27:51Out in Montana, he would only talk to the girls when I was awake.
27:58I went out to Montana on the second trip with Kaelin, Amber, Zach, and Lydia.
28:04When I was not around, he was pulling the girls out aside and talking,
28:08and telling them that Mariah shouldn't have this in her house.
28:11She shouldn't have this playing.
28:12They shouldn't listen to this kind of music.
28:14All this stuff that is just a normal person would know their place
28:18and be like, okay, I personally disagree with that.
28:21But it's not my place to go and tell them what they can and cannot do
28:24when I'm being welcomed into their home.
28:27Makes me so mad.
28:34In terms of Lydia and Zach, I don't know.
28:37I just feel like if we're supposed to live our lives so that everything we do honors God,
28:43that's got to come from within.
28:45In some ways, you know, I can see myself, a younger me in Lydia and Zach.
28:50They're full of zeal and passionate about their faith.
28:54I'm still like that, but it's just definitely aged and mellowed,
28:59and it's a calmer, more adult version.
29:03Just kind of talking to God like a friend, you know?
29:08That's between you and God.
29:09It's not for other people to look at your life and all your details
29:12and pick out what you're doing wrong, because the Bible says,
29:14focus on the log in your eye before you go pointing out the speck in somebody else's.
29:19To self-righteous, I am better than you.
29:23What you're doing is immorally wrong.
29:24You need to do what I'm doing, and I'm here to guide you.
29:27And unfortunately, you see a lot of that in Christianity.
29:28A lot of people who...
29:30Yeah, it's using God to control other people.
29:33That makes me sick.
29:34That makes me sick.
29:35But, I mean, they'll have to answer to him one day about that.
29:39Lydia and I also talked about how she thinks that I've been coping with Joshua.
29:46That's like the most intimate, personal stuff about me that she could say.
29:53Lydia went through that trauma along with the rest of the family.
29:57She was there, and she has scars from it, just like all of the rest of us.
30:03It's almost too overwhelming to think about the pain that I've caused everyone else.
30:08So, I really haven't wanted to look directly at that, because it's too painful.
30:15She was blaming me for not equipping her to deal with it, but I can't.
30:21I couldn't then. I still can't.
30:23Yeah, I know.
30:24Lydia and Zach don't just talk about it to their friends or something.
30:27They go on a public platform and talk about the most intimate, hurtful,
30:32dark time of my mom's life.
30:35In extreme detail.
30:37They've gone deep into it more than I think should have been.
30:42I can understand where my mom's coming from,
30:45especially after what they had said that they're not going to tolerate talking about people like that.
30:50Any concerns you have, please come to us,
30:54because if I find out that they're still gossiping about Zach and I,
30:59I will not tolerate it.
31:02I don't get it.
31:03Am I missing something?
31:04Or was there like a fine print when they said that?
31:08Well, regardless of what anybody else has to say about that whole event and stuff,
31:12you've done good going through that and then still raising nine kids.
31:17Yeah.
31:17You did good.
31:18Thank you.
31:19Yeah.
31:22That's the first time that Isaac has said that to me about admiring me for being strong enough to get
31:29through that and still raise a family.
31:31And that means a lot.
31:34If you, like if you never want to talk about it with me, I'd be perfectly fine with that.
31:39Because I can't imagine going through that.
31:44It is really hard for me to talk about Joshua, but I know that Lydia wants to talk about it.
31:51So I have an appointment with a counselor to talk through some of these things and maybe she could help
31:58me with my grieving.
32:09But I really feel like, um, I kind of feel like that's a scab I don't really want to pick
32:18open.
32:20So I'm hoping that she'll give me some insight into, I don't know, just how to have this family conversation
32:31that's very painful.
32:35She wasn't the one that accidentally, you know, was responsible for what happened.
32:40Yeah.
32:41And then you've had to live with that and deal with that ever since.
32:45When I first heard Lydia talking about Joshua online, my heart broke for her just knowing, knowing that she's still
32:53hurting.
32:54But it also has this feeling of all of that guilt all over again.
32:59I've had a lot of guilt that I've had to deal with and it just was like ripping that open
33:04for me all over again.
33:06Lydia was speculating on why Barry and I divorced, um, and saying that it had to do with Joshua, which
33:15it actually had nothing to do with that at all.
33:18Yeah.
33:18That's why, I mean, I've been trying everything I can to be on good terms with them.
33:22Yeah.
33:22And I have too tried really hard to be on good terms with them.
33:25If she's doing that to process it or heal, you're not going to find any healing in that.
33:32Yeah.
33:33It would make things worse.
33:34I feel like the solution is we just all get together and talk to Lydia and Zach about all of
33:42that.
33:43Yep.
33:44Yeah.
33:45Before we can really have this healing conversation about around Joshua, um, we kind of need to address how Lydia
33:56and Zach have sat people down in the family and told them they're not living right.
34:02These things need to be discussed.
34:04You can't burn a bridge with the family they're just married into and then expect it to go well.
34:09Yeah, there's some things to talk about.
34:14As much as it hurts me, the pain, like I've never felt pain like that before.
34:19Yeah.
34:20To know that I inflicted that same pain on all of my children.
34:28It's more than I can bear.
34:30I can't.
34:45Today I'm meeting with Dr. Tai.
34:47She was Micah's therapist and I was really impressed with her.
34:51I have some issues I wanted to talk with her about Joshua and his death and some issues that Lydia
34:58brought up and, um, looking forward to it, not looking forward to it.
35:04Hi.
35:05Hello.
35:06How are you?
35:06Good.
35:07How are you doing?
35:08Doing well.
35:08I'm Dr. Tai.
35:09Hi.
35:10Good to meet you.
35:10You as well.
35:11You as well.
35:12Yeah.
35:13Right.
35:14So, let's just jump into it.
35:16Okay.
35:16Tell me a little bit about what brings you in today.
35:18Well, um, we lost a son in 2008 and he was 17 months old and it was one of those
35:30things where I was moving a vehicle on the property and ran over him.
35:35Okay.
35:37And we now have nine children.
35:40The older ones were all there when it happened.
35:43Mm-hmm.
35:44Initially, I wasn't able to talk about it or, like, anything.
35:48Mm-hmm.
35:48Like, I was, for several months, I just was totally shut down.
35:53I'm fine now, but trying to navigate, like, recently, one of my daughters went online and was blaming me for
36:06not giving her what she needed to be able to grieve or heal.
36:13Or move forward or whatever.
36:14And next week, we're having a family meeting.
36:17We're all coming together and we're gonna talk.
36:19Mm-hmm.
36:19And I don't feel like I have anything to offer them.
36:24The daughter.
36:25Has she communicated to you directly what she wants from you or what she's hoping to get from you?
36:31No.
36:31Have you asked her?
36:33No.
36:34Okay.
36:34She did a play-by-play of exactly where she was every moment that it happened.
36:42Mm-hmm.
36:43And I can't listen to that.
36:45Like, I have my own play-by-play of what happened that day.
36:49Mm-hmm.
36:49And sometimes it runs through my head, but I'll never verbalize that.
36:55It's too painful.
36:57Yeah.
36:58I don't wanna relive that day.
36:59Yeah.
36:59You know?
37:00Yeah, yeah.
37:01She's wanting something from you that she may feel like maybe she never got before.
37:06Because you said there was a period of time for months where...
37:09Sobbing constantly and, oh, God help me, were like the only things I could say during that time.
37:15Kim is definitely dealing with some guilt and some shame.
37:18Her daughter put her on blast.
37:20And whatever she might be saying, Kim may be seeing herself in that way anyway.
37:24So that means that what I see, what I think about myself, may actually be true.
37:29And so she's struggling.
37:33She's struggling.
37:34I was also pregnant at the time with my next child, Amber.
37:39I thought that when she was born, then it would get better.
37:46But it didn't, it got worse.
37:49I guess because it didn't get better, it was kinda like the realization that nothing is gonna fix this.
37:57Nothing is gonna help.
37:59How did it get worse?
38:00I just, I just, I felt worse.
38:03I didn't, I couldn't look at her.
38:04I couldn't look her in the eye.
38:06Um, I couldn't sing to her.
38:09Yeah.
38:09Um, I would hold her and I would nurse her, but I just, um, what makes it so hard for
38:20me to hear from the children, as much as it hurts me, the pain, like I've never felt pain like
38:28that before.
38:29Yeah.
38:35To know that I inflicted that same pain on all of my children, and they have to feel that pain
38:44too.
38:47It's more than I can bear, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't bear thinking about how much I
38:56hurt everybody.
39:05I know you said that you wanted us to all talk about Joshua. I'm ready to do that now.
39:12Okay.
39:13I'm a little nervous about sitting down and talking with everybody, but if Lydia needs me, I wanna be here
39:19for Lydia.
39:21I hope I can keep myself composed. Just some stuff that's been getting under my skin.
39:27Ethan's a wild card, so he might confront Zach. I know he's very protective of me.
39:34I feel like there's some things that we might wanna talk about.
39:39I'll be in the kitchen.
39:40Okay.
39:41I'm aware that everybody's gonna have a chat about stuff, and I didn't feel like I needed to be a
39:48part of it.
39:49Zach, all the critiques that you give to the younger kids, Mariah, you know, talk to me about her, and
39:56I feel like it's an overstep.
40:00Man, so I'm a problem for the whole family. God, cool.
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