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Have I Got News for You - Season 71 Episode 9 - Katherine Ryan, Jo Coburn, John Tothill
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01:08And after Angela Rayner goes missing following an office party, friends are relieved that
01:13she found somewhere to stay for the night.
01:23On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who used to be a primary school teacher.
01:28I mean, it's half term.
01:29Maybe he still is.
01:30Please welcome John Tothill.
01:31CHEERING
01:36On Paul's team tonight is a broadcaster and journalist who for years appeared on the BBC's Daily Politics
01:43as Andrew Neill's carer.
01:45Sorry, co-presenter.
01:46Please welcome Joe Coburn.
01:48CHEERING
01:53We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:56Paul and Joe, here's yours.
01:57Yes.
01:58Ah, yes.
01:59Police investigation.
02:00Police investigation, yes.
02:01What are they investigating, I wonder?
02:02Peter Murrell, who used to run the Scottish National Party.
02:06He was chief executive.
02:08Yes.
02:08This is him at home with his now estranged wife, Nicola Sturgeon.
02:13How the mighty have fallen.
02:14Yes.
02:14Because he spent...
02:16That's a generation game.
02:17It is the generation game and he embezzled £400,000 buying the sorts of things you've just seen on that
02:23generation game and that motorhome.
02:25Yes.
02:25Maybe not that one, but a motorhome just like it.
02:28I think what was shocking is the scale and the range of stuff that was bought.
02:33It did actually put the generation game to shame.
02:35Seven kettles, apparently.
02:38There was a pencil sharpener that cost over 100 quid.
02:42Yes.
02:42I think it started off with, like, pencil sharpener stuff and he was like, now it's a motorhome.
02:45Or does it start with a motorhome and you go, well, it's a pencil sharpener.
02:48Yeah.
02:50He even bought two hair dryers.
02:53Now, I don't know if you saw.
02:54He's not the most pursued man in the world, is he?
02:58You don't need one hair dryer, really.
03:01But, yes.
03:01All you need is a towel.
03:03Yes.
03:04But his wife didn't notice.
03:05No.
03:06Yeah.
03:06Didn't know anything.
03:07Not a clue.
03:08It seems like they were perhaps not as close as some married people.
03:12What are you saying?
03:13Did she never sort of think to herself, why are our pencils always so sharp?
03:18The police investigation into his finances, which began in 2021, has cost the taxpayer
03:22two million quid.
03:24Partly because it's so unbelievably slow.
03:27And it is interesting that the end of the story, his admission of the embezzlement, came
03:31just after the elections in Scotland.
03:35Much to John Swinney's relief.
03:37Yes, because John Swinney, the current First Minister in Scotland, is a great friend.
03:40The jobs of First Minister and Chief Executive of the party were in the same house.
03:46Yes.
03:46Convenient.
03:47It's quite odd that £400,000 extra to a household budget, nobody notices.
03:53Right.
03:54I think Nicola Sturgeon said they were earning quite good salaries and that he did do all
04:00the shopping.
04:03The actual victims, though, were the members of the party.
04:06They were.
04:06They did this huge fundraising and then someone in the SNP noticed that all the money had
04:11gone.
04:12Mm.
04:12And they said, where's the money gone?
04:13And the SNP said, we've no idea, there's no problem here, move on.
04:17And eventually it came out, but it was an unbelievably slow investigation.
04:21Well, and bearing in mind it was over 12 years, but perhaps that was rather clever.
04:25So perhaps people didn't really notice.
04:27Indeed.
04:28I love this about you, Joe.
04:29You're getting into this story.
04:30You're right, I am.
04:31Too much.
04:32I need to get out more.
04:33There's a motorhome going for sale.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:37It's a time vacation.
04:39Anyway, yeah.
04:43Sturgeon told a meeting of the SNP's ruling body in 2021,
04:46there are no reasons for people to be concerned about the party's finances,
04:50adding, ah, here's my husband in a new jag.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55Here she is.
04:57Money hasn't gone missing.
04:58All money goes through the SNP accounts independently and fully audited.
05:03Every penny we raise to support the campaign for independence will be spent
05:07on the campaign for independence.
05:10Oh.
05:10Except she was wearing some of the items.
05:13It's just reminded me seeing her...
05:15Don't wear a pencil sharpener.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17You can string it on a nice gold chain.
05:20Yes.
05:20Her hair was dry.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24LAUGHTER
05:25You need two.
05:28Too dry.
05:30Does anyone know what a quash is?
05:33A what?
05:34Quash.
05:35Like a quash Lorraine?
05:36Yes.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:38No, I don't.
05:38Well, it is a two-handled cup.
05:41Merle used the stolen money to buy a silver quash for a grand.
05:45It's traditionally used to offer a welcoming drink when unexpected visitors turn up.
05:49Like the police.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52Yes, he is.
05:53A new dram.
05:54All right, we're going to play Steal a Fortune.
05:58I'm going to show you a picture and you have to identify the items in the picture that Peter Merle
06:02bought with the stolen money.
06:03Fingers on buzzer's teams.
06:06Here is your first picture.
06:08He didn't buy Nicola Sturgeon.
06:10No.
06:11For a minute.
06:12Is it the car?
06:13Half points for car.
06:15Is it the bag?
06:16The leather bag?
06:17Yes, it's the Jagan bag.
06:19Oh, Jagan bag.
06:20Merle bought himself a new Jaguar car for £81,000 and his wife got the red designer handbag for £747
06:27.50p.
06:28Crook or ideal husband?
06:31LAUGHTER
06:33That is not fair.
06:34He spent £57,500 of stolen money on the car and contributed the rest himself.
06:39Oh, I'm so glad you clarified it.
06:41Yeah, sorry.
06:41Here's your next one.
06:42Spot the stolen item in this picture.
06:45The watch.
06:46No.
06:47No?
06:48Is it the pen?
06:49It is the pen.
06:50Oh, yes.
06:51He bought Montauld pens, didn't he?
06:52Like this.
06:52A bit like these lovely pens we've been provided with him.
06:57No expense spent.
06:59I do think he did have quite good taste.
07:01He had good, right?
07:03Also, so many coffee machines, to the point where now I kind of think, judgment aside,
07:07I would be interested to know which one he preferred the most, you know.
07:10Do you think he could do like a Christmas guide list?
07:13You know, sort of like things of...
07:14I think he's going to have quite a lot of time on his hands.
07:17Um, yes, that's right.
07:19It's a £500 Montblanc pen.
07:20Why was one constituent particularly unhappy when he saw Nicola using the Montblanc pen?
07:25Well, because she spent all that money on a pencil sharpener, didn't she?
07:28I think what's the bloody point?
07:33APPLAUSE
07:37They were angry that Sturgeon had such an expensive item
07:40when the party had broken its election promise of free laptops for students.
07:44Sturgeon's spokesman said the pens were gifts from a relative.
07:48Oh.
07:49Back to steal a fortune, and if you look closely,
07:51can you spot the problem item here?
07:55LAUGHTER
07:58It's the lamppost.
07:59Yeah.
08:01Actually, that motorhome now looks quite small.
08:03It cost £124,550
08:07and was permanently parked on his mother's driveway in Dunfernland.
08:11It was meant to be a battle bus.
08:12Yes.
08:12Um, for the campaign, and presumably his mother was very difficult to persuade, so...
08:18LAUGHTER
08:19Paul, was it a good year to purchase a motorhome and then...
08:23Not use it.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:26No, I mean, they are, you know, people who own motorhomes and use them, love them.
08:29You know, your holiday, you get in there, you don't have to go to an airport,
08:32you don't have to worry about flying anywhere, you don't have to change currency,
08:35you drive to some sort of camp field somewhere,
08:37and you wake up in the morning, you have electric bikes on the back,
08:39you explore country lanes, you come back with some eggs and some weed to bits,
08:42you feed the kids, you do all sorts of things.
08:44I've never done it myself, but I hear it's quite good.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:49APPLAUSE
08:49I'm not...
08:51APPLAUSE
08:52What did Nicola Sturgeon say about the motorhome?
08:54No comments, mostly what she said.
08:57She said she was not aware of its existence
08:58until the police investigation in 2023,
09:01which implies she never visited her mother-in-law.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:05Local student Ryan Thomas Quinn isn't convinced, however,
09:08because he told The Telegraph that in 2022 he saw Sturgeon in an Asda,
09:14holding a frozen pizza and garlic bread,
09:16just six minutes from her mother-in-law's home.
09:19Mm-hm.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24She was shopping at Asda while her husband was in bed selling 400 grand.
09:28She was having a frozen pizza.
09:30Allegedly.
09:31But Nicola Sturgeon has issued two statements this week
09:34through her lawyer reiterating that she knew nothing
09:36about her estranged husband's criminal behaviour.
09:38Here's how Scotland's The Daily Record covered the story.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48LAUGHTER
09:50Nicola Sturgeon said that she had fully cooperated
09:53with the police investigation.
09:54However, The Daily Telegraph understands that she exercised her right
09:58to give no comment in parts of her police interview.
10:00Here's the current leader of the SNP, John Swinney, being asked about that.
10:04What do you think that a no-comment interview
10:06is fully incorporating police?
10:09I've got no comment to offer what police are doing.
10:12LAUGHTER
10:13LAUGHTER
10:16LAUGHTER
10:16All right, this is the grand finale of Steal a Fortune.
10:20Points are on offer if you can correctly identify
10:22the cheapest of the stolen money items we'll show you.
10:25Here's your first one.
10:26We have the aforementioned three coffee machines.
10:30A Jura Z8 fully automatic bean-to-cup coffee machine,
10:33the Miele CM 6300 coffee machine,
10:37or the Jura Giga 5-chromo coffee machine.
10:40This is like an identity parade.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43We must remember, he purchased all three of these coffees.
10:46Oh, right, he got all three.
10:47The middle one's the cheapest.
10:49Yes, Paul, you're absolutely right.
10:51The rubbish old Miele CM 6300.
10:55Ooh!
10:56Passed only £1,299.
10:58God.
10:59He's got to start a YouTube channel.
11:01Yeah.
11:02I want to see them all in action.
11:04I want taste tests.
11:05I'd love it.
11:06Where did you cook them all?
11:08Great question.
11:08How did Nicola Sturgeon not notice?
11:12LAUGHTER
11:12Sitting at the motorhome in the middle of the night,
11:14secretly drinking coffee from three different machines.
11:18On his mother's drive.
11:19Yeah, just like...
11:20On his mother's drive.
11:21Exactly.
11:21Just hyped up on caffeine, blow-drying his no hair.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:26From both angles.
11:27Just blow-drying into his mouth.
11:29He just wants to stay hot, this guy.
11:31Well, he certainly needs a barista now, doesn't he?
11:35Boom, boom.
11:37APPLAUSE
11:41A final one.
11:42Yes.
11:42Which of these cost Peter Merle the least amount of someone else's money?
11:47Was it six bottles of Avon Skin So Soft body spray,
11:49a box set of Borgen or Grand Theft Auto game?
11:52Skin Soft.
11:53Yes, Paul.
11:54It's the Avon Skin So Soft body spray.
11:56A thoughtful gesture for his future cellmate.
11:59LAUGHTER
12:01If you'd been accused of acquiring a motorhome through illegal means,
12:05who'd you really be buying a game called Grand Theft Auto?
12:09LAUGHTER
12:12APPLAUSE
12:15This is Peter Merle's confession that he splashed £400,000 of SNP funds
12:20on his own extravagant lifestyle.
12:21The long list of items Peter Merle spent other people's cash on
12:25included a 1,199-pound telescope,
12:28which he looked through every night to see if the police were coming.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33Peter Merle acquired a Lalique salt-and-pepper grinder set,
12:36a Jura Giga 5 chromo coffee machine,
12:38a robot lawnmower, and a motorhome.
12:41Nicola Sturgeon wasn't suspicious.
12:42She just assumed he'd had a really good run on bullseye.
12:46LAUGHTER
12:47Peter Merle spent £150 on a Fortnum & Mason musical advent calendar,
12:52described on Fortnum's website as set to become a treasured family heirloom,
12:57or Exhibit F.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:01Ian and John, here's yours.
13:03Ah, yes, so, by election.
13:05Yeah.
13:05In Makefield.
13:06Oh, nightmare, blunt rotation.
13:07Crying.
13:09All right, karaoke time, let's go!
13:11That's Rupert Lowe and that's the plumber.
13:13Rob Kenyon.
13:14Yep, heading out to his van.
13:15Oh, yes, he's been tweeting.
13:17Yeah, so this is the Makefield by-election.
13:19It is.
13:20The Green put up a candidate.
13:21He only lasted about 12 hours before they had to replace him
13:25because of things that he'd written online.
13:27So, the reform candidate, everyone said,
13:29oh, well, that'll be different.
13:30And then all the stuff that he's written online came up,
13:34some really revolting stuff about Carol Vorderman,
13:36then followed by some stuff that really annoyed reform
13:40that suggested he hadn't voted for Brexit.
13:42Bizarre.
13:44I mean, did he vote Remain, then, or did he just not vote?
13:49I mean, there is another party.
13:49He might have voted in Romania, we haven't.
13:52Well, Kenyon has clarified this week
13:54that he did, in fact, vote for Brexit.
13:57Before this information came to light,
13:59how were reform doing in the polls in Makefield?
14:02Oh, they were doing not as well as they thought
14:04because of Restore, is that right?
14:06Yes.
14:07There's been a split on the right.
14:09Yes.
14:09And doesn't Elon Musk support the...
14:11Exactly, Restore.
14:12Restore.
14:13Yeah.
14:13There was an Elon Musk story last week, I think.
14:15He's been complaining about a coming-up film by,
14:18I think, directed by Christopher Nolan,
14:19where the part of Helen of Troy is being played
14:22by a black actress.
14:23He was very upset about this,
14:25although she is indeed a fictional character.
14:27Yes.
14:28And, again, I think the suggestion
14:30that he's read The Odyssey is pushing it.
14:35I think the only Homer he's aware of is in The Simpsons.
14:40It's getting down and dirty, though, at this by-election.
14:43Yes.
14:44Everybody is going for their social media,
14:47millions of viewings of Restore,
14:49because up until now,
14:50I'm not sure that many people had heard of the party
14:53or even perhaps Rupert Lowe.
14:55Lowe was most famous for standing on the cliffs
14:58in Great Yarmouth and said,
15:00look, there's a boat full of illegal immigrants,
15:02call the Coast Guard.
15:03Which they did and found it was a charity row.
15:07And by some Olympic...
15:09Marines, were they ex-Marines or something?
15:11Yeah.
15:11And he said, I won't apologise for my vigilance.
15:16Reform will claim that since Brexit,
15:18we're free of all sorts of pesky EU regulations.
15:21What has caused a generation of toilets to leak?
15:23I mean, all the plumbers keep going to Westminster.
15:25It's after the problem.
15:27There aren't enough plumbers,
15:29and they keep running for office.
15:31Why can't we send a few graphic designers to Westminster or something?
15:36It's the legalisation of eco-flush toilets in the UK in 2001.
15:40They've brought in a leaky-loo task force to sort this out.
15:44What is wrong with the eco-flush toilets?
15:46Litres and litres,
15:47millions of litres per year are lost through the leakage.
15:50That's right.
15:51Mm.
15:52Eco-flush toilets operate on a valve system
15:54that drops water into the toilet bowl when you flush it,
15:57whereas the old-fashioned British Thomas Crapper-designed toilet
16:00pushes the water over an upside-down U-bend.
16:03Mm.
16:03And I've created a diagram.
16:04That's good, isn't it?
16:06LAUGHTER
16:06It makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?
16:09Put that on the banknote.
16:11British siphon system!
16:14APPLAUSE
16:19While we're talking about eco-toilets, though,
16:21which button is it that you press for a big flush?
16:25This has been a point of contention.
16:27Is it the big button or the small button?
16:29It can be either, but usually it's the big button.
16:31Yeah.
16:31Well, opinion is divided.
16:33Here's a sample of the confusion on Reddit.
16:35Amar Field says...
16:37On those two-button dual-flush models,
16:39is the larger button larger
16:40because it dispenses of larger deposits,
16:42or is it larger because it provides
16:44the more frequently required small flush?
16:46Oh!
16:47Can we not just have a picture of a poo on the poo flush?
16:50LAUGHTER
16:50Or, I don't know, a literal number one
16:54and number two in the appropriate places?
16:57To which Sparky, 1863, replied,
17:00A question I thought I'd never see raised,
17:01but glad it hasn't.
17:04For balance, we should say something
17:05about the Conservative and Liberal Democrat candidates.
17:08They're both going to lose.
17:10We still have to mention some of the fringe candidates
17:13in the Makerfield by-election.
17:15What does Mr Robert Pownall want?
17:18Does he want to restore fox hunting?
17:20Yes.
17:20I think he wants more people
17:21to leave their black bins out overnight.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:26APPLAUSE
17:30A lot of people around Westminster
17:32during election time
17:33get dressed up as chickens
17:35to run behind candidates and politicians
17:38and say,
17:39You're a chicken!
17:41Oh.
17:41But, you know...
17:42Yes, but that's missing the point
17:43because they're the chicken.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46If I was dressed as a chicken,
17:48the last thing I'd do would be pointing at somebody else
17:49and say,
17:49You're a chicken!
17:51LAUGHTER
17:51That's self-denial on a huge scale!
17:55LAUGHTER
17:55The government never sleeps.
17:56What has the Department of Education
17:58recently harnessed the power of?
18:00The moon.
18:01Sexual magnetism.
18:03The Jay say...
18:05I beg your pardon?
18:06The Jay say...
18:07Gemma Collins.
18:08Yes!
18:09She was on one of their publicity campaigns
18:11and kind of faced a sort of weird classist backlash or something.
18:14Yes.
18:15So it's Gemma Collins from The Only Way Is Essex.
18:17Here she is.
18:18Chatting shit with Bridget Philipson,
18:20the Education Secretary.
18:22If you were Education Secretary for the day,
18:24what would you do?
18:25I'd sit there,
18:26I'd invite GMB down
18:28and I would do a whole morning shout-out.
18:33Everyone waking up for school,
18:35tune in to me,
18:37the GC.
18:38All I'm asking you to do
18:40is learn whilst you're there.
18:42Now, go to school, honeys, go to college,
18:45go to uni, have a fabulous day
18:47and just be fabulous.
18:51I like it.
18:53I love the GC.
18:56I'm starting to understand the backlash.
18:59Go to school, honeys, have a fabulous day.
19:05I love her.
19:06It's uncanny.
19:07It's like we're in government.
19:11The Gemma Collins Department of Education content
19:14is supposed to take strength from the GC brand,
19:16which says, according to Tom Peck of The Times,
19:19you should never allow yourself to be held back
19:21by merely not knowing anything at all about anything.
19:26I love that.
19:29In other news,
19:30what's Channel 4 allegedly been doing this week
19:32to stop the negative headlines about Married at First Sight?
19:35They recommissioned another 12 series.
19:39It's rumoured to be in discussions with Hugh Edwards
19:41to enable him to state his case
19:44following his conviction.
19:46They know about PR, don't they?
19:48Oh, God.
19:49Do we need it?
19:50A race to the bottom.
19:51Yeah.
19:53This is the by-election in Makerfield.
20:17Three of the parties standing are
20:22Restore, Reform and Rejoin.
20:25Which is also the slogan of my favourite plastic surgeon.
20:29It's emerged that during Hugh Edwards' trial,
20:31part of his defence was that he was suffering
20:33from a cerebrovascular neurocognitive disorder.
20:36We have put that up on the screen,
20:38just in case Andrew's watching and wants to Google it.
20:43And so, to round two, the wheel of news.
20:46Fingers on buzzers, teens.
20:47Here's your first one.
20:56A calendar featuring good-looking hunky priests
21:01and none of them are priests.
21:02How do you know about that?
21:03Yeah.
21:04It's a specialist subject of mine.
21:10I'm so impressed.
21:11I've bought this calendar.
21:16I can't believe this has come up.
21:20And there was no real need for me
21:22to tell everyone I bought it.
21:24Here we are.
21:25So, you're familiar with the Calendario Romano,
21:28otherwise known as the Hot Priest Calendar.
21:31But you've figured out the catch already.
21:33Everyone knew about this.
21:34They're not real priests.
21:36The calendar's creator has admitted the deception,
21:38but says at least a third of the priests
21:41in next year's edition are genuine.
21:44They're not going to do one like Calendar Girls,
21:46where they are also stripped naked
21:48and hiding behind various sort of things
21:51at the Vatican, I hope, for next year.
21:53Or maybe I'll buy it then, if it's next year.
21:56Giovanni Galizia has been the cover star
21:58of the Hot Priest calendar for 23 years in a row.
22:02What does he actually do for work?
22:04He's a Satanist.
22:09According to the Independent, Giovanni is a flight attendant
22:12for a Spanish airline.
22:15Would you like to see some other Hot Priest?
22:17Yes.
22:17No, thank you.
22:18No.
22:19Ian, why don't you pick a month for us?
22:20Um, late August.
22:23June, you say?
22:28Here's a Hot Priest with a cat.
22:29Oh, with a cat.
22:31Yes.
22:32Didn't know they were into pussies.
22:36Paul, would you like to pick a month?
22:38Uh, yes.
22:39January.
22:40Well, I've only got December left.
22:41OK.
22:42December.
22:43How do you get the message across
22:45that a Hot Priest is cold at wintertime?
22:48Put him in a fur coat.
22:49Or a lightly quilted jacket.
22:53This is the shocking news
22:55that the Hot Priest calendar
22:56does not feature real priests.
22:58It comes to something when a sexy priest
23:00isn't all he seems to be.
23:02Mind you, in some of the films I've seen,
23:04I'm not sure all those men
23:05were genuine corgi-registered plumbers.
23:11OK, back to the Wheel of News.
23:13Fingers on Buzzer's teams.
23:14Here's your next one.
23:21Oh, something's happened there.
23:24They realized that the Mona Lisa,
23:26if she were alive today,
23:27she'd be considered obese
23:28or something like that.
23:29Yeah.
23:29This is the news that a man
23:30thinks the Mona Lisa is fat.
23:33Who would dare say anything bad about her?
23:35Oh, exactly.
23:36Speaking at the European Congress
23:37on Obesity in Istanbul this week,
23:39Dr Michael Yaffe from the University of Texas
23:41said that just by looking at the paper,
23:43painting, he could tell
23:44that the Mona Lisa had
23:45high cholesterol,
23:47an underactive thyroid
23:48and excessive body fat.
23:50Who asked you, Michael?
23:53Let's talk about Michelangelo's
23:54David and his fat ass.
23:58She's just an ordinary-looking woman,
24:01which this academic has said,
24:03she's fat.
24:04I can tell from the picture.
24:06She's beautiful and youthful.
24:08I paid someone to take fat from my ass
24:11and put it in my face.
24:15Oh, sorry.
24:20Don't worry, Joe, I am also laughing.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:29Do you know, the Mona Lisa is frequently voted
24:31the most disappointing tourist attraction
24:33in the world?
24:35It's presumably that,
24:36because you can't get very near it now.
24:38There's about 30,000 people in front of you
24:40to go and see it.
24:41The rest of the louvre is sort of empty.
24:43You can go and nick some jewels,
24:44if you like.
24:47The Mona Lisa was stolen before.
24:49Yeah.
24:49There's a movie.
24:50Yeah.
24:51Um...
24:57Time now for the missing words round,
24:59which this week features as its guest publication,
25:02Global Cement.
25:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:05Hey, Sam.
25:06Popular.
25:07You poor sods.
25:10I think it's the staff outing.
25:12It must be, yeah.
25:13Who else is going to cheer for Global Cement?
25:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:21How much does each issue cost?
25:24That's shut you up, isn't it?
25:26LAUGHTER
25:26And we start with...
25:28Runaway tortoise not seen for eight months what?
25:31It's found three inches from its original location.
25:34LAUGHTER
25:36Yeah, runaway tortoise not seen for eight months
25:38found 300 metres away.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:41This is a tortoise called Scuttle,
25:43which went missing from her enclosure in Cornwall in August,
25:46but was recently found by a neighbour in a field
25:48just 300 metres away.
25:50300 metres in eight months?
25:52That is fast, said the boss of HS2.
25:55LAUGHTER
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58This is very good.
26:01APPLAUSE
26:04Next, one of the best places to meet fellow cement lovers is what?
26:08Um...
26:09A cement mixer.
26:10Yeah.
26:12Psychiatric hospital?
26:14Here.
26:18One of the best places to meet fellow cement lovers is
26:21the Global Slag Conference.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:27APPLAUSE
26:29Lastly, what says I regret nothing after what?
26:33Edith Piaf.
26:34Hmm.
26:36After long intro.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:38Yeah.
26:39Mussolini's granddaughter says I regret nothing after winning Big Brother.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:45God, we really do live at the end of the world, don't we?
26:49LAUGHTER
26:49Alessandra Mussolini is the most controversial reality TV winner
26:52since German portrait artist of the year was won by Helga Hitler.
26:57But fascists unite, yeah.
26:59Yeah, fascists at first sight.
27:01LAUGHTER
27:07So, the final scores are Ian and John have six, Paul and Joe have four.
27:11Oh, wow.
27:12Unbelievable.
27:12Sympathy.
27:17But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:21Unlike her husband, Queen Camilla is still waiting for the ecstasy to kick in.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:31If I can see pixies.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35LAUGHTER
27:37On which note, we say thank you to our panelists, Ian Hislop and John Tothill,
27:42Paul Martin and Joe Coburn.
27:43And I leave you with news that, in Westminster, there's an upsetting moment
27:47as West Streeting slips and has a heavy fall.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:53King Charles says he's honoured to learn that a new species of Himalayan mountain goat
27:57has been named after him.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:01And on a visit to an army training centre in the Forest of Dean,
28:05Defence Secretary John Healy apologises after relieving himself in the wrong bush.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:15Good-bye.
28:19APPLAUSE
28:27Thanks, Faces, and their fascinating family trees.
28:31Who do you think you are?
28:33Starting with Zoe Ball on iPlayer.
28:35This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
28:41APPLAUSE
28:47APPLAUSE
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