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DRAG☆FOLKS
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Transcript
00:00:07Once upon a time, what seemed like a hundred years ago,
00:00:12Girl, it was not that long.
00:00:14Ahem, in a land far, far, far.
00:00:17Let's not get carried away.
00:00:20A new teacher was starting her first day of classes.
00:00:24She was mean and hateful.
00:00:27She had her reasons.
00:00:29Will you stop interrupting?
00:00:31I will if you start at the beginning.
00:00:33Fine!
00:00:34There lived a kind and decent man named Richard.
00:00:38This is an example of when many large thunderstorms come together and spin like a funnel.
00:00:44Who was perhaps the most awkward teacher in Manhattan?
00:00:47When is our regular teacher coming back?
00:00:49If you have a question, raise your hand.
00:00:52Now.
00:00:54Yes.
00:00:55When is our regular teacher coming back?
00:00:57Your regular teacher is coming back on Monday.
00:01:01We have two more topics left on our Time Warp Through Science tour.
00:01:05Okay, pay attention.
00:01:07Who am I dressed up as?
00:01:09My grandpa.
00:01:10Okay, you know what kids?
00:01:11This is, I'm just going to move things along a little faster.
00:01:13Our next stop through our Time Warp Through Science tour is...
00:01:19Get ready.
00:01:20Are you ready?
00:01:23Our next science genius is...
00:01:26A scary old lady?
00:01:28No!
00:01:29Marie Curie!
00:01:31This is boring.
00:01:32Can we talk about sex ed or something?
00:01:36I leave you with this.
00:01:37My favorite Marie Curie quote.
00:01:39The way of progress was neither swift nor easy.
00:01:42Remember that, my little scientists.
00:01:45See you soon.
00:01:47If they'll have me back.
00:02:14Dear Mr. Martinez, blah, blah, blah.
00:02:17Sorry to inform you that you were not chosen for this year's teaching ambassador program.
00:02:23Blah, blah, blah.
00:02:25Please try again next year.
00:02:40So, I'm talking to my landlord, okay?
00:02:42And she's like,
00:02:43Sorry for the construction.
00:02:45If you'd like to leave early.
00:02:47I'm like, the nerve, right?
00:02:49Like, I'm going to leave early?
00:02:50I'm going to leave when my lease is up, you sun-dry Barbie.
00:02:55Excuse us.
00:02:56Can't throw.
00:02:57We're late, bitch.
00:02:58You're wrong a long time.
00:02:59My feet hurt.
00:03:01You wear cheap shoes.
00:03:01I beg your point I have large toes.
00:03:03Move!
00:03:04Hey!
00:03:05I mean, who's the name of the girl?
00:03:07Shaka Convict.
00:03:08I.G.
00:03:10Oh, girl, come on.
00:03:12That's a chemistry joke?
00:03:14Because I'm a chemistry teacher?
00:03:17Yeah.
00:03:20I would wait in here if I were you.
00:03:22They're about to tell him that it's his last night.
00:03:25He totally bombed again.
00:03:27Hi, guys.
00:03:29Hi.
00:03:29Hi, Richard.
00:03:30You were incredible.
00:03:33Thanks.
00:03:35See ya.
00:03:37Don't try.
00:03:39Two birds next to me.
00:03:41I'm sorry we were late.
00:03:42We heard your show was okay.
00:03:44Worse than leprosy.
00:03:45I love leprosy.
00:03:46Shut up, girl.
00:03:47Did you do that mind bit we practiced?
00:03:49No, I wasn't feeling that bit tonight.
00:03:51Do you know what's worse?
00:03:52I even found out today that I didn't get that teaching position that I was telling you to about.
00:03:56What?
00:03:57Oh, I did.
00:03:57But we didn't want you to leave, no how?
00:03:59Well, listen.
00:03:59I paid $3,468.52 without utilities each month for that mouse-britten shithole of an apartment
00:04:08they're going to kick me out of.
00:04:10Well, listen, sister.
00:04:12Now, you know this old nasty freeload bitch is still on my nice couch.
00:04:15It's a futon.
00:04:16It's a professional sectional.
00:04:18Anyhow, we should gas off the air mattress, baby.
00:04:20Put it right in the living room.
00:04:22Freeze company.
00:04:24As much as I appreciate you two.
00:04:27I think I'm just a little too old for that.
00:04:29You know?
00:04:29And besides, I've been here 11 years and I got nothing to show for it.
00:04:33I just think inside person.
00:04:41Tickets?
00:04:41Yeah, the bird's nest bitch at the doorstep.
00:04:44We're on her list.
00:04:45I don't need to hear you.
00:04:47Oh,
00:05:01I don't think inside.
00:05:02I don't know.
00:05:03I don't know.
00:05:04I don't know.
00:05:06Yeah, I don't know.
00:05:07I don't know.
00:05:09I don't know.
00:05:12I don't know.
00:05:17hello hello is this richard martinez uh yes hi who's this
00:05:24lawrence taylor from the teaching ambassador program oh hi how are you very well i have some
00:05:31fabulous news oh a last minute slot has opened up in our program but i just wanted to check
00:05:37you were still interested uh yeah yeah i'm very interested good it's in milford texas i think
00:05:44i actually have something in my mind okay obviously we would supply you with first class accommodation
00:05:50fully furnished beautiful area landscape backyard vistas to die for i'll take it can i take it
00:05:59milford high needs a new science teacher and your teaching certificate is endorsed in chemistry but
00:06:05i just wanted to check that you were still available of course i'm your man
00:06:15sucker
00:06:19well that's the last of it i'm gonna miss you boo
00:06:46well folks it might not just be the best time to book that trip to mexico because it looks like
00:06:52the
00:06:52national hurricane center has updated tropical storm bianca to a hurricane first of the season
00:06:58stay tuned for updates you don't want to miss this
00:07:03hey looks like i'm your new neighbor
00:07:08go
00:07:10go
00:07:14go
00:07:15go
00:07:15go
00:07:15go
00:07:17go
00:07:17ira
00:07:17go
00:07:32go
00:07:33go
00:07:48Hey, shorty, now's not a good time for making a mess.
00:07:51You just told me.
00:07:52Superintendent's on her way.
00:07:53Make yourself scarce.
00:07:54Sorry, Miss Ward.
00:07:58Hi, I'm looking for the vice principal.
00:08:02She's in a mood.
00:08:04Okay.
00:08:09What are you still doing here?
00:08:11The nurse said that...
00:08:13Hit the road.
00:08:13But...
00:08:14Get out of here.
00:08:19What do you need?
00:08:20Richard Martinez, new science teacher.
00:08:23You're early.
00:08:24You must be Debbie Ward.
00:08:26Deb or Debra.
00:08:28Never Debbie.
00:08:29Okay, Debra.
00:08:31I just wanted to stop by to say hi, and maybe you can point me in the right direction.
00:08:36I'm not really sure.
00:08:37Wow.
00:08:38I love your purse.
00:08:39First of all, don't be late.
00:08:41Or early.
00:08:42Okay?
00:08:42It annoys the hell out of me.
00:08:43Second of all, don't bother me.
00:08:45Third of all, leave the faggy ties at home.
00:08:47Okay?
00:08:48Because nothing bothers me more than a faggy tie.
00:08:50Now, here's your lesson plan.
00:08:54Creationism?
00:08:55I mean, but I'm a science teacher.
00:08:56I don't have time.
00:08:58Okay?
00:08:58Superintendent's on her way.
00:08:59Go upstairs.
00:09:00Find Coach Chuck in the teacher's lounge.
00:09:02Second floor.
00:09:03Second floor.
00:09:04Thanks.
00:09:12Happy birthday to me.
00:09:16Ah, you must be Coach Chuck.
00:09:19Hey, man.
00:09:21You delivering my tacos?
00:09:24No, I'm Richard Martinez, the new science teacher.
00:09:28I know.
00:09:29I was joking with you because you're Spanish looking.
00:09:31Oh.
00:09:32You want some cake?
00:09:33Ah, no, I'm pretty good.
00:09:34Don't be a sissy.
00:09:36Have a tit.
00:09:38Thanks.
00:09:40So this is the library?
00:09:42Pretty standard, really.
00:09:44You gotta check it out every once in a while for sleepers.
00:09:47Sleepers?
00:09:50Get out!
00:09:53Don't let me see that again.
00:09:56Well, now that you're in Texas, I recommend you get one of these.
00:10:00A diary?
00:10:01I don't think I need a diary.
00:10:02No, it's a little black book.
00:10:04Every woman, every number.
00:10:05I've gone through about three of these just this year.
00:10:08You don't have a phone to keep your contacts in?
00:10:11A phone.
00:10:12How do you mean?
00:10:18Let's start by discussing the origin of differences between men and women.
00:10:22You're right across the hall from Carla Ward, Debbie's daughter.
00:10:25Ain't she a fox?
00:10:26Many social influences play a role in determining these differences.
00:10:30You ever hear the kids talk about a someone they miss first?
00:10:33You best tell me about it.
00:10:34Is that, like, another teacher?
00:10:36No one knows who it is.
00:10:37They say Miss First turns the boys into men.
00:10:40For their sake, God, I hope it's her.
00:10:42Um, this is the longest tour ever.
00:10:45And this is the grand finale.
00:10:52Dang.
00:10:54Hmm.
00:11:16Chocolates.
00:11:17I love chocolates.
00:11:18Pop some.
00:11:19Sure.
00:11:20Amber's mom makes it fresh.
00:11:22Oh, please.
00:11:23Tell your mom I said thank you.
00:11:25Oh, I will.
00:11:26Now you ladies get to your seat before I eat the whole box.
00:11:29Enjoy.
00:11:32Ladies, today is not the day to show off your ignorance.
00:11:38Get it together.
00:11:43Hi.
00:11:43I'm Mr. Martinez, and I just want to let you know how excited I am to be here.
00:11:50Okay.
00:11:51Don't worry.
00:11:52I used to think the same things were just as funny when I was your age.
00:11:57Okay, okay, let's just get it all out of our systems now.
00:12:05Three, two, one.
00:12:08You know, pardon me.
00:12:13No, it can't.
00:12:14I'm not feeling so good.
00:12:16All of a sudden, if you could just give me a minute.
00:12:19I'll be right back.
00:12:23Keeley, can I put you in charge for two minutes?
00:12:26Just two minutes?
00:12:31Okay, guys, quick.
00:12:32Grab the camera, see some.
00:12:38Best behavior, baby.
00:12:39She's here now.
00:12:41So nice to see you, Superintendent.
00:12:44So nice to see you again, too.
00:12:49What the devil?
00:12:51You, uh, wanted to see me?
00:12:53Where to start?
00:12:55Where to start?
00:12:57Uh, you could start with while Richard left his class alone.
00:13:00Hmm?
00:13:01Is she listening in?
00:13:03Yes.
00:13:04Richard, there's been a lot of people come in here and try out this job.
00:13:07And none of them's been as bad as you.
00:13:11I know these kids are a handful.
00:13:13There's only one thing keeping me from sending you back to the middle of nowhere where you come from.
00:13:17Middle of nowhere?
00:13:18I taught in New York City.
00:13:21You taught kindergarten.
00:13:23Mr. Martinis, you come highly recommended from the ambassador program.
00:13:28So I need you to help me help you.
00:13:33I can help these kids if you give me a chance.
00:13:37Will I be seeing you at the football game tonight?
00:13:39There's your chance to mingle with the rest of the staff.
00:13:44I'll be there with enough school spirit to fuel a jetliner, sir.
00:13:48Yeah, we'll see about that.
00:13:53Come on, Mavericks!
00:13:55Rip them off!
00:13:56Rip them off!
00:13:58Come on, come on!
00:13:59Come on, don't fall for me, you pussy!
00:14:01What's your name?
00:14:02Tom?
00:14:03Shut up!
00:14:04I don't care about your name!
00:14:05Get up!
00:14:06Get out!
00:14:07Go get out!
00:14:09God, you're terrible!
00:14:10This is intense.
00:14:12There's something queer about him.
00:14:15I can't put my finger on it.
00:14:17Did you say he's from New York, Mama?
00:14:20He complimented my purse.
00:14:22So what are you saying?
00:14:24He's like some kind of a queer?
00:14:26Well, there's only one way to find out.
00:14:29You should go talk to him, honey.
00:14:31You think?
00:14:32Yeah.
00:14:33Show him Minnie and Mickey.
00:14:35A man can resist.
00:14:47A man can resist.
00:14:51Bitch!
00:14:54Well, aren't you just hotter than bark on a tree?
00:14:57Well, hello.
00:15:00I'm Carly.
00:15:01I was upset I didn't get to meet the cute new member of our staff today.
00:15:05Oh, well, that's very nice.
00:15:08Nice to meet you.
00:15:09So how do you like Texas so far?
00:15:12Well, everybody seems to be very welcoming, to say the least.
00:15:18We're going to have to spend more time together.
00:15:21We're going to be real great friends.
00:15:23I can tell.
00:15:25So, do you like teaching social studies?
00:15:29Oh, yeah.
00:15:30Mama thinks I have a chance at this year's Teacher of the Year award.
00:15:33That's how the whole state came this year.
00:15:37The winner gets 25 grand.
00:15:41Well, good luck for you.
00:15:43I don't know.
00:15:50So now that we've been formally introduced,
00:15:53I'd like to introduce you to a couple of friends of mine.
00:15:56Oh, sure.
00:15:58Mickey and Minnie.
00:16:15Richard, I'm going to make you as quick a penis as possible.
00:16:19Of course.
00:16:20What's up?
00:16:20We're going to let you go.
00:16:23Excuse me?
00:16:24He said you're shit-canned.
00:16:25What is he doing here?
00:16:27The principal likes extra security in situations such as these.
00:16:30We f-
00:16:31I feel that your situation will be a distraction.
00:16:36What situation?
00:16:40Found this on the internet.
00:16:43Single gay male seeks partner who enjoys laughter, music, long-term relationship.
00:16:51Where did you find that?
00:16:52I haven't logged into that for years.
00:16:54You ain't even going to deny it.
00:16:56I thought we had a deal.
00:16:57You may step in, sir.
00:17:00The school has strong budgets.
00:17:02Turn off includes self-centeredness and bad hygiene.
00:17:06Oh.
00:17:07We need to keep the children safe from those that participate in alternative relationships.
00:17:12You know, man on man, man on dog.
00:17:15You understand.
00:17:16Are you serious?
00:17:18One more word from you, and I might call it long.
00:17:23See you never, flame sauce.
00:17:31Richard, Richard, Richard, there's very little I can do for a teacher who gets fired so quick into the job.
00:17:37I mean, come on, I'll go to Oklahoma, Kentucky, I'll go anywhere.
00:17:41Richard, darling, we have a waiting list of over a hundred people, and right now,
00:17:45you're at the bottom of the pile.
00:17:47You can't tell me what they did was legal, you can't just fire somebody.
00:17:51It's perfectly legal in many states, Texas being one of them.
00:17:54Look, I have to go, but if you need any other help,
00:18:01just write a letter to Congress, okay?
00:18:04God.
00:18:08Siri, I need a drink.
00:18:27Hey, hey.
00:18:28There he is.
00:18:30How you doing, boo?
00:18:32Hey, I wish you guys were here.
00:18:34Ask him if you downloaded Grindr yet.
00:18:36No, I haven't downloaded Grindr yet, you whore.
00:18:40We just want to know how many gay cowboys there are on the Bible Belt.
00:18:44Wait, hold on, I'm going to put you on speaker.
00:18:47So, you guys are going to go to a white party?
00:18:49I think it's racist, he ain't even invited me to go to a black party.
00:18:52She wouldn't think it was racist if she looked half-decent at anything here.
00:18:55I told you, I have body issues.
00:18:57You party up.
00:18:58Okay, all right, according to Grindr, the closest gay guy is...
00:19:03Drum roll, please.
00:19:05She's 30 miles away.
00:19:0730 miles?
00:19:08Oh, no, bitch.
00:19:09We got to get you up out of there.
00:19:10This is an emergency.
00:19:11We're coming to get you, baby.
00:19:13Where is she?
00:19:14Huh?
00:19:14I'm going to grab a drink.
00:19:16Love you guys.
00:19:17Mean it.
00:19:17Oh, bitch, hurry up and get changed.
00:19:19We have GPS.
00:19:21Chariad, do you have anything on sale?
00:19:29Oh, hello.
00:19:31Can I have a vodka soda, please?
00:19:36What?
00:19:37Really?
00:19:38Dry County.
00:19:40Wait, there's like no booze in the whole county?
00:19:44No wonder there's no gay people here.
00:19:46Just get him a club soda, will you?
00:19:59Texans always come prepared.
00:20:02I'm Richard.
00:20:04Karma.
00:20:04Karma Johnstone.
00:20:06Your parents must be a good time.
00:20:09Why's that?
00:20:10Well, most parents don't name their children after Buddha's principles.
00:20:13Would you prefer I had a normal name?
00:20:15Something plain like Mary?
00:20:17Mary's not plain.
00:20:18Mary's angelic.
00:20:20I know plenty of Marys.
00:20:22None are angelic.
00:20:25Mary was the mother of Jesus.
00:20:26Someone were to ask me to bear the child of God, I'd have to say no.
00:20:31You'd abort the baby Jesus?
00:20:34Abortion is murder!
00:20:37Pay him no mind.
00:20:39Listen, I host a radio show, and I'm doing a promotion tonight at the Tin Room.
00:20:45It's about a third of my drive, right on the county border.
00:20:48Do they serve real drinks?
00:20:50There's a bear shit in the woods.
00:21:04There's a bear shit in the woods.
00:21:08Thank you, Jocelyn.
00:21:10I'll have my usual, and can we get two shots?
00:21:14Uh, no, no, no, I can't drink.
00:21:16Bad things happen when I drink.
00:21:18Make it four.
00:21:19Four shots.
00:21:19Sure thing.
00:21:20You're gonna kill me.
00:21:21Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Ambrosia Sour.
00:21:29Guess what, ladies and gentlemen?
00:21:32The Ambrosia Palooza is back in business.
00:21:36I'm gonna need this.
00:21:38What is it?
00:21:40And on tonight, prizes will be awarded for the best impersonation of the wonderful, while
00:21:47they ever so drop-dead gorgeous, me, Miss Ambrosia Salad.
00:21:54Well, apparently it's perfectly legal to do what they did here in Texas and in 28 other
00:21:59states.
00:21:59I googled it.
00:22:00My brother went to school there, and he was terrorized.
00:22:04I'm thinking I might want to do, like, a protest or something.
00:22:07You know, peaceful, obviously, because enough people don't know about this.
00:22:11You're outnumbered, baby.
00:22:12That's why we had to drive so far to get here.
00:22:15Well, I won't stand for it.
00:22:18All right.
00:22:19Ooh, that works fast.
00:22:20I know.
00:22:21Uh, where's the bathroom?
00:22:23We got any more volunteers for the contest tonight?
00:22:26No, no, no, no, no, no, not me.
00:22:28Gorgeous.
00:22:29Um, what's your name, sir?
00:22:31His name is Richard.
00:22:32No, I don't have a name.
00:22:33That is not my name.
00:22:34No, no, no, I don't do this.
00:22:37No, no, no.
00:22:39Looks like we found our final contestant in tonight's contest.
00:22:43Come on, karma.
00:22:45You are a bitch.
00:23:14Oh, shit.
00:23:16This just in, the storm, which is about 1,300 miles from land, has reached speeds in excess
00:23:23of 75 miles per hour.
00:23:26In fact, the NHC has categorized Bianca as a Category 1 hurricane.
00:23:33Hurricane Bianca is going to cause more problems than anticipated.
00:23:37Now, we've got the latest from Del Rio, Mexico, where residents are preparing for the worst.
00:24:03Good morning.
00:24:05Buenos dias, senorita.
00:24:08And what is your name, my young lady friend?
00:24:12Hung over.
00:24:13Nice to meet you.
00:24:15Hydrate.
00:24:16Oh, thank you.
00:24:22Not a very polite lady.
00:24:24Well, that's because I'm a man.
00:24:26I think gender is really just a social construct.
00:24:29You know what I mean?
00:24:30Uh, it is far too early to be talking about things like this.
00:24:34You know when I told you about my little brother that was terrorized in Milford High School?
00:24:38Yes.
00:24:39I was talking about myself.
00:24:42What?
00:24:43Growing up, I thought I was just a little gay boy.
00:24:47But then I realized there was a bit more to me than that.
00:24:52I would have never have clocked you.
00:24:54I don't tell a lot of people, FYI.
00:24:57But I figured after last night, I could trust you.
00:25:02Sure.
00:25:03Oh, about last night.
00:25:06I'm almost afraid to ask.
00:25:09First, you introduced yourself as Wilma.
00:25:11Wilma Shitstain.
00:25:13Then you wouldn't give the microphone back.
00:25:14Well, if you were really funny, you wouldn't need me up here, would you?
00:25:19You know what's funny?
00:25:20Is that your name is Ambrosia Salad, and it looks like you eat everything but a salad.
00:25:25Fact.
00:25:28Do I owe anybody an apology?
00:25:31Are you kidding me, Wilma?
00:25:33Everyone loved you.
00:25:35You won the contest.
00:25:40Well, I'd let you go.
00:25:42See you never, flame sauce.
00:25:45Your mama thinks I have a chance at this year's Teacher of the Year award.
00:25:48The winner gets a 25 grand.
00:26:15This just gets in the next 28 hours.
00:26:18Hurricane Bianca is expected to strengthen, and it's forecast to become a Category 4 or above.
00:26:25And if you want to make a prank, I must go.
00:26:55Hi, I'm here to interview for the science teacher position.
00:26:59What's your name?
00:27:01Uh, Bianca. Bianca Del Rio.
00:27:03Does the principal know you're coming?
00:27:05Of course, Debbie.
00:27:07It's Deb or Deborah. Never Debbie.
00:27:11Wow. What a gorgeous photo. Is that you, Debbie?
00:27:17Teacher of the Year ceremony, 1999.
00:27:20Such a proud moment for our school.
00:27:22First and last time Milford's ever won.
00:27:29What's next, Deborah?
00:27:30Oh, some wannabe teacher and a little retard who says he got beat up so he can get out of
00:27:35gym class.
00:27:36Forgive me, Deb, but is this school part of the NEA?
00:27:40The who?
00:27:41The National Education Association that's trying to remove the R word from American schools?
00:27:48Well...
00:27:48Especially when used as slang in a negative or derogatory context?
00:27:52Look, this particular student has been a problem at the school for quite some time.
00:27:57So just...
00:27:58Don't worry.
00:27:59They're only trying to remove the word, not the people.
00:28:02You'll be safe.
00:28:03That's not funny.
00:28:04It's not a joke.
00:28:05Just a statement.
00:28:06Just a statement.
00:28:21So, you're a cougar.
00:28:25I'm sorry?
00:28:26Houston University. Cougars.
00:28:28Oh, yes, yes. Cougars. Go Cougars.
00:28:32I grew up in Houston. Football scholarship.
00:28:36Impressive.
00:28:39Sir, there's a real long list of students that need to see you right now.
00:28:44Can we talk about something off the record?
00:28:47Sure.
00:28:48You're looking at your next Teacher of the Year.
00:28:51What makes you think that?
00:28:52Hire me, and you'll get a lot more than just a brilliant science teacher.
00:28:56I've got ideas, Wayne.
00:28:58Lots of ideas that can help more than just the science department.
00:29:01It can help the whole school.
00:29:05Are you extra for all that?
00:29:07My only reward would be the satisfaction that I gave back to a community that has treated me so well.
00:29:13I want to sharpen your pencil, Wayne.
00:29:16Oh, disgusting.
00:29:18That'll work.
00:29:19Good.
00:29:21No.
00:29:22No.
00:29:23I can't believe you're doing this.
00:29:26Do you think she would wear this?
00:29:27I mean, I want to keep her classy.
00:29:29Richard, I'm worried about you.
00:29:31I'm worried about you, too.
00:29:33That you're not using enough moisturizer.
00:29:35I'm serious.
00:29:37I'm serious, too.
00:29:39That's why you're going to teach me everything you know.
00:29:42The fate of this school rests on your dainty little shoulder pads.
00:29:47Please tell me this is shoulder pads.
00:29:49Putting all this effort into this.
00:29:51Why?
00:29:51Because you're pissed off.
00:29:53You need to move on.
00:29:55I was pissed.
00:29:56But I haven't given up hope on these kids.
00:29:58They're not full-grown bigots yet.
00:30:00And all it takes is one teacher to change their lives.
00:30:03Who's it going to be?
00:30:04The one with the rodents on her boobs?
00:30:06Or that stupid Coach Chuck?
00:30:09Coach Chuck?
00:30:10Yeah.
00:30:11You know him?
00:30:12You could say that.
00:30:13Wait a minute.
00:30:43You like him.
00:30:45You're doing it again?
00:30:46This is difficult for me.
00:30:48You need to calm down.
00:30:52Coach Chuck is my baby brother.
00:31:00Is it a requirement in this town for everyone to be related?
00:31:04We were close when I was younger, but I ran away after I came out.
00:31:10You're the only person I've ever told any of this.
00:31:13Let me get this straight.
00:31:15So Miss Cartoon Boobs is related to Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
00:31:19You used to be a man.
00:31:21I'm dealing with my own identity issues.
00:31:22And now you're trying to convince me that you're related to Little Black Book and Titty Cake?
00:31:26So you won't say anything?
00:31:28Who could I possibly tell that would believe this shit karma?
00:31:36Is this the front or the back?
00:31:38It's a poncho, bitch.
00:32:16Get some of that!
00:32:20What the?
00:32:21What on earth?
00:32:36She's not going to last.
00:32:37She might last longer than Professor Gaywad.
00:32:39I give her two days.
00:32:41I give her two minutes.
00:32:42Let's start with covalent bonds.
00:32:45Um, Miss Del Taco?
00:32:48Call me Miss Bianca.
00:32:49It's easier for you to pronounce.
00:32:52Um, when we have a substitute teacher, we always just get a study period.
00:32:56Oh, really?
00:32:57What's your name, sweetheart?
00:32:59I'm Keeley.
00:33:00Keeley?
00:33:01Well, I'm going to call you Bath Mat.
00:33:03Not because of that luffy vest you're wearing.
00:33:06It's because I think you smell like feet.
00:33:08Oh!
00:33:10Bath Mat, you have detention after school.
00:33:13For what?
00:33:14Did you happen to notice your classmate getting beat up?
00:33:16Yeah, but I wasn't doing it.
00:33:18No, but you laughed and didn't help.
00:33:20It's just as bad.
00:33:21Detention, two hours.
00:33:24And you, detention all week.
00:33:26I football practice.
00:33:28Not my problem.
00:33:30I love your outfit.
00:33:32Where'd you get it?
00:33:33Salvation Army?
00:33:35No, I got it from someone named Lady Gaga.
00:33:38Heard of her?
00:33:39What, like at a concert?
00:33:40No, like for friends from New York?
00:33:43Yeah, and Britney Spears is your sister.
00:33:46No, but Cher is my cousin.
00:33:48Bullshit.
00:33:50What's your name?
00:33:51Oh, wait.
00:33:52I know what we're going to call you.
00:33:54White trash that won't burn.
00:34:01Miss Dorito?
00:34:04Hey, James and the Giant Peach?
00:34:06Keep it down.
00:34:08You can't call me that.
00:34:09My parents are lawyers.
00:34:10Your parents are siblings.
00:34:12Now, shut up.
00:34:15Look, we all pitched in and got these for you.
00:34:18To welcome you to Milford High.
00:34:20Oh, how nice.
00:34:22Bathmat, pass these out.
00:34:25They're for you.
00:34:26Hand them out to the class, Bathmat.
00:34:29I'm feeling very generous today.
00:34:31Miss Del Rio, may I have a word?
00:34:33Of course.
00:34:34What a lovely and unexpected surprise.
00:34:37Deb E.
00:34:39Outside.
00:34:56I understand you're new here, Miss Del Rio, but it is against school policy to feed the students.
00:35:01So that's why you're here.
00:35:03You smell food.
00:35:05I wanted to give this to you before you started your lesson.
00:35:09Creationism.
00:35:10Hmm.
00:35:11Now, is this from the school board or your own personal collection?
00:35:14Well, we believe in teaching an alternative.
00:35:16Miss Ward, these opinions are far more religious than scientific.
00:35:20God created the universe.
00:35:22That's not an opinion.
00:35:23That's a fact.
00:35:24This is a science class, not a Sunday school.
00:35:27Let me make something very clear, Miss Del Rio.
00:35:30It is in your best interest to get along with me.
00:35:33Let me make something very clear to you, Debbie.
00:35:37I'm fucking this cat.
00:35:39You just hold the legs.
00:35:41Got it?
00:35:49Silence!
00:35:50Read Chapter 8 for tomorrow.
00:35:52Tomorrow, there will be a quiz.
00:35:54Stay calm.
00:35:56There's eyelash glue in the emergency kit I made you.
00:35:59Oh, yes.
00:36:00I found it.
00:36:02There's also a disposable razor in case you need a touch-up.
00:36:06Nobody likes a hairy lady.
00:36:08You are a lifesaver.
00:36:09Thanks.
00:36:12You okay, pretty girl?
00:36:14Uh, yeah.
00:36:15Everything's fine.
00:36:18You know this is the men's room, don't you?
00:36:20God.
00:36:21Well, I don't have my contacts in.
00:36:27So you're the new science guru.
00:36:29Uh, yeah.
00:36:30Today is my very first day.
00:36:32I'm, uh, Bianca.
00:36:33Coach Chuck.
00:36:34Yeah.
00:36:35And good luck with that group.
00:36:36Yeah, they really are a handful.
00:36:39Yeah.
00:36:40Like you weren't here last year.
00:36:41Two of my kids climb to the roof and make vets on who's going to hit the ground first if
00:36:45they jump.
00:36:46Shit.
00:36:47Well, they're fine now.
00:36:48But it was a mess.
00:36:49Yeah.
00:36:51And you know what the French say.
00:36:52Mi casa is su casa.
00:36:56It means that's life.
00:37:00Yeah.
00:37:00You are so cultured.
00:37:03I'm sure I'll be seeing you.
00:37:05Sure.
00:37:14Let's go, Maverick!
00:37:19Smells real good.
00:37:21Oh, it's honey gloss.
00:37:23Smells delicious.
00:37:24Tastes great, too.
00:37:28Touchdown!
00:37:30That's the wrong team, stupid!
00:37:36Ready?
00:37:37Okay!
00:37:38U-D-L-Y!
00:37:40You ain't got no alibi!
00:37:41You ugly!
00:37:42Yeah, yeah, you ugly!
00:37:44Woo!
00:37:45Oh, my God, ladies.
00:37:47That wouldn't ignite a fart.
00:37:49You think you can do better?
00:37:51Well, they can't get any worse.
00:37:53Will you shut up already?
00:37:54Will you?
00:37:56Come on, Maverick.
00:37:57Woo!
00:37:59Woo!
00:38:00Okay, ladies.
00:38:01You want to make this happen?
00:38:03Let me show you something that Miley Cyrus taught me in Amsterdam.
00:38:07Woo!
00:38:08So what you're going to have to do first...
00:38:09First down from the visit of Bison,
00:38:11leaving Milford Trail to buy for more.
00:38:14Looks like an M.A.V.R.S.
00:38:15handbrake with a losing streak will be dashed.
00:38:18Tips up!
00:38:19Sparkle Neely, Sparkle.
00:38:21You...
00:38:22Yeah.
00:38:25One, two, three...
00:38:28Five, six, seven, eight...
00:38:30We are the M.A.V.E. girls!
00:38:32We wear our hair in crows!
00:38:34We wear our dunkerines!
00:38:35Up above our dirty knees!
00:38:37We wear no underwear!
00:38:39Check out our deri-air!
00:38:41Woo!
00:38:42Woo!
00:38:42Woo!
00:38:43Woo!
00:38:45Woo!
00:38:45Woo!
00:38:45Woo!
00:38:45Woo!
00:38:46Oh, my God!
00:38:48Oh, my God!
00:38:51Holy shit!
00:38:53Woo!
00:38:54Woo!
00:38:54Touchdown!
00:38:55Yah!
00:38:57Death is over!
00:39:00This is no piece of run of season for the M Cher!
00:39:04Yeah!
00:39:05I did not say, Touched!
00:39:07Yeah!
00:39:08Yeah!
00:39:09databases!
00:39:11Woo!
00:39:12Woo!
00:39:12Woo!
00:39:12Woo!
00:39:13Woo!
00:39:14Woo!
00:39:14Woo!
00:39:15Woo!
00:39:16Woo!
00:39:17Woo!
00:39:19Woo! Woo!
00:39:20Woo! October!
00:39:26another day with miss dorito she's almost as hot as miss first
00:39:34almost come on you never had miss first neither have you fricking frack this is not tv i can
00:39:41hear you so what do you say i know a real romantic spot under the bleachers oh please i already
00:39:48gave
00:39:48to charity okay shit stains we're gonna try something new today did everybody do the reading
00:39:56hmm white trash muffin top man boobs what about you bath mat bath mat what did you do the reading
00:40:12yes good then you're gonna enjoy our little game today now everyone take out the volcanoes
00:40:19that i have prepared oh yeah now please put on your safety gear and follow my instructions
00:40:26i am only gonna ask once now remove the liquid bottles and can anybody name the
00:40:38um nitroglycerin yes nitroglycerin nitroglycerin is a colorless liquid that's used as an active
00:40:46ingredient to manufacture explosives oh yeah this is a very very interesting chemical
00:40:53now can anybody tell me what the second bottle is orange nitrate that's correct orange nitrate
00:41:00this chemical comes in a variety of colors the interesting thing about orange nitrate is
00:41:15what the hell your face is orange so is yours oh dear you didn't happen to mix the two chemicals
00:41:29together now did you was this trick oh please if you'd have done your homework assignment you would
00:41:36know that orange nitrate causes skin discoloration what who looks like a dorito now
00:41:44there you are children this is what happens when you don't do your homework it's only gonna get worse
00:41:55hi miss del rio hey i noticed you avoided most of the damage today oh well yeah i mean i
00:42:01actually
00:42:02read the chapter last week so i knew the surprise but that was still really awesome good job bobby
00:42:07you know my real name who am i fooling of course i know your real name now tell me what's
00:42:14going on here
00:42:15oh i mean i could say something but i've already complained to principal wayne about a hundred times
00:42:20so what's the deal they're these guys that follow me home from school a lot and call me names push
00:42:28me
00:42:28down you know bobby sometimes people are douchebags just to make themselves feel better it has nothing
00:42:35to do with you now do you have keys keys like house keys yeah yeah yeah yeah let me show
00:42:42you a little
00:42:42trick my mom taught me when i was younger okay what you do is you make a fist and you
00:42:46put the keys in
00:42:47between your fingers like wolverine that's it and listen this is gonna leave a mark you don't even
00:42:51have to hit that hard revenge at its finest that's it ah okay bobby uh why don't you just leave
00:42:59the
00:42:59revenge to us grown-ups okay hey you're still real hey coach chuck big win last night congratulations
00:43:08i gotta say i saw how you helped the girls last night cheers are really something yeah it's amazing
00:43:12what the handicap can accomplish you're funny you should see me naked really you know what coach
00:43:18there is something i wanted to ask you some kids in my class were talking about miss first who is
00:43:24she
00:43:24no idea well coach you gotta know if i knew i would tell you can i ask you something i
00:43:30suppose
00:43:31can i take you out sometime no i'm not like most of the guys i'm not like most other women
00:43:36so say yes
00:43:38all right coach chuck you want to take me out on a date you better bring your a game i'll
00:43:43be ready
00:43:44after six i love it when they play hard to get
00:44:11girl let's just say things are not turning out as i had planned
00:44:14are you okay yeah you can tell us anything we won't judge all right well for starters i got fired
00:44:20as soon as i got here and then i had to start dressing as a woman so i could get
00:44:23my job back
00:44:24then i started lying to the children telling them that i knew famous people so that they would like
00:44:27me i mean who lies to children well and to top it off right now i'm at a roller skate
00:44:33ring with the
00:44:33football coach on a date and he thinks my name is bianca hello work bitch yeah yeah suck his dick
00:44:42he's actually taking a leak and i'm trying to grab us some beers don't drink too much yeah bad things
00:44:48happen when you drink too much oh really coming from you don't try it you remember that thing with
00:44:52the candlestick i'll call you back later i got things to do okay bye bye don't hit my phone
00:45:01you don't pay my bill uh you got a four change the channel oh so i was gonna take you
00:45:07to a stuffy
00:45:08fancy old restaurant but i figured this would be a way more fun way to get to know each other
00:45:11well i love this place it's really adorable it's more than adorable it's really romantic
00:45:20uh yeah and it also gives us a lot of time to talk about that miss first character
00:45:25are you still on that nancy drew well actually i look more like nancy grace
00:45:29but spill it spill it tell me she's what you call a myth which means she ain't real uh yeah
00:45:36i know
00:45:36what a myth is chuck well they say the myths first turns the boys into men if you know what
00:45:42i mean
00:45:42oh it's gotta be that carly chick she seems really trampled what makes you think i know well i would
00:45:48assume you would have her number in your little black book how do you know about that i mean come
00:45:53on
00:45:53fred flintstone who the hell carries around a book with phone numbers in it anymore i only show
00:45:57that to folks i'm trying to impress well you're really impressing me chuck so tell me do you have
00:46:04a big family who are really really pretty you are really really drunk so do you have any brothers
00:46:11and sisters i mean it seems to be the theme down here in the south i want to kiss you
00:46:15so bad right now
00:46:16listen i'm trying to get to know you you idiot you know you are mean as a snake and i
00:46:22love that
00:46:22about you look i'm already falling for you get up you big oaf
00:46:30close
00:46:51mother christ we're late what time is it what's the matter uh nothing uh i just have the
00:47:00worst morning breath ever anything happen between us i mean sex wise oh god i hope not why would you
00:47:09say that because sex can ruin a beautiful friendship not if you're real real good at it can you like
00:47:20put
00:47:21all of that away please
00:47:24you can hitch a ride with me you need to take a quick shower uh sometimes a lady needs more
00:47:29than a quick
00:47:30shower yeah you do
00:47:39she's as crooked as a dog's hind legs and you know it and principal wayne knows it
00:47:44and i sure as hell do she's worn out her welcome as far as i'm concerned
00:47:48as long as i get teacher of the year nomination i'm happy i'll make sure that don't you worry
00:47:55we'll get rid of that skunk faster and shit through a goose
00:48:00mama you don't think they're too big though do you
00:48:03you look beautiful
00:48:20i can explain shaving is a really really good exfoliator you think i'm dumber than a box of hammers
00:48:30don't you yes it's me richard yes richard from new york richard that everybody hates richard that
00:48:37got fired you don't have to kneel i can see you fine from where you were i wanted to kneel
00:48:41that's really condescending my feet hurt that's why my feet hurt it's not all about you
00:48:45fine i know this is gonna sound crazy but after they got rid of me who are they gonna get
00:48:50to teach
00:48:50these kids carly everyone thinks she's sweet but she's just as much of a jerk as her mom
00:48:55you notice that too huh i notice everything do me a favor keep your eye on her and let me
00:49:01know if
00:49:01she's got any funny business going on you can count on me sir oh cute real cute why don't you
00:49:09go mop
00:49:09the yellow brick road or something to celebrate today being a half day of school we're gonna play a
00:49:16little game and here we go who can name the substance that cells use as an immediate source
00:49:24of energy keely i wasn't raising my hand did you do the homework yeah i just don't know the answer
00:49:34come on up here keely come on right here why didn't you complete the assignment bath mat
00:49:43um don't come here stand closer closer so i look prettier now what did you do last night
00:49:50she went to a college party oh really how was that uh the pool was filthy and the music was
00:49:58horrible
00:49:59and that's worse than terrible and horrible combined sounds horrible adorable i think the
00:50:05real question is what did you do last night miss del rio coach chuck said you were grade a
00:50:11get up here
00:50:16now look at me come here now look at me both eyes bring that lazy one around there we go
00:50:22there we go tell me big man what happened to your face oh uh my girlfriend got a little wild
00:50:30last
00:50:31night yeah yeah whatever okay listen question is what is the cause of most infectious diseases oh i
00:50:39know this one raise your hand keely microorganisms pollutants and keely is correct
00:50:49now for a closer look into more microorganisms you could read page 43 or just look into tommy's pants
00:51:01is that joking for you keely
00:51:09you need a ride home uh no i'm i'm okay i have a friend picking me up thanks
00:51:14i had a real good time last night yeah uh me me too
00:51:20oh you know what that's her gotta go bye
00:51:30what the fucking fuck it's not what it looks like are you sleeping with my brother no gross
00:51:40no i'm just messing with his head can i trust you to stay away from my brother maybe you should
00:51:47talk to him he might be a really cool guy for all you know you have no idea just don't
00:51:53worry about it
00:51:54he teaches right across the hall if you ever okay fine i will not talk about him i will not
00:52:01talk about you
00:52:02or that hat oh drive
00:52:13so um are you from around this area yeah a few miles outside of milford i really like it here
00:52:19it's rather charming trying to convince my brother to come down and visit sometime oh yeah
00:52:23yeah but um he's gay oh well you know what's getting better down here used to be real bad for
00:52:31gay dudes hmm do uh you have any siblings
00:52:38can i tell you a secret sure
00:52:41i had a gay brother too growing up used to get beat up a lot must have been a real
00:52:46chick magnet for you
00:52:47i never thought about that it's not like i went to gay bars with him or nothing i would have
00:52:53i just get annoyed getting hit all by dudes but i guess it comes with the territory having an ass
00:52:57this
00:52:57good so um what happened to your brother he ran away i haven't seen him since right before his 19th
00:53:06birthday but i swear i'd give my right nut to know that little is okay
00:53:15he brought it up i promise get out what i specifically asked you not to stir anything
00:53:22up with him but this is good news at least it's a start i really think you should talk to
00:53:27him i
00:53:28really think you should mind your own business let me get this straight you have a radio show where
00:53:33you give people advice about relationship problems and the way that you deal with your own is by running
00:53:37away from them you don't know these people richard do you think my parents were happy when they found
00:53:42out i was gay no but eventually they came around my situation is a little bit different all i'm saying
00:53:50is that you can't judge people for mistreating you about something that they know nothing about all
00:53:55all i'm saying is you don't have to go home but you can't stay here
00:54:01all right
00:54:20ah
00:54:31Brandian, can you hold, please?
00:54:33Okay, two twin beds or a single queen?
00:54:38A single queen?
00:54:43Single queen. Oh, dear.
00:54:47Take my advice.
00:54:48Whatever it is you're going through,
00:54:51surround yourself with as many friends as possible.
00:54:54This is the time to patch up old relationships.
00:54:58That's it for the Karma Sutra show.
00:55:01Goodnight.
00:55:02Listen, this is just a stupid-ass idea.
00:55:05Girl, can you get off the ground for a second
00:55:07and do something useful?
00:55:08Useful? I wanted to text Richard and tell him
00:55:10we were coming the fuck down here,
00:55:11but you said, no, let's make it a surprise.
00:55:13Oh, my God, what are you guys doing here?
00:55:16You better tie your shoes because you're tripping, bitch.
00:55:19Hey.
00:55:20Richard!
00:55:21Oh, we decided to stop by on our way down to White Party.
00:55:24Yeah, this is a really shitty place.
00:55:26I'll explain.
00:55:28So we asked for a room with one bed?
00:55:29Because it was cheaper, not because... gross.
00:55:32You should be so lucky.
00:55:34Huh.
00:55:35Anyway, but when old cigarette-smoking lunch lady bitch
00:55:37behind the counter realized we were two dudes,
00:55:40she changed the reservation from one queen to two double beds,
00:55:43which was $50 more.
00:55:45You know I cannot take you seriously looking like that.
00:55:48You don't think I'm pretty?
00:55:50You're the prettiest girl on the planet.
00:55:53Of the apes!
00:55:56So what else did we miss?
00:55:58Well, I just think everybody was right.
00:56:00What the hell am I doing here?
00:56:02You're following your dreams.
00:56:03That's adorable.
00:56:04Well, it looks like I'm going to be following y'all back home.
00:56:06You say y'all now?
00:56:08Stay here, barf.
00:56:09Shut up.
00:56:10Richard, why would you quit?
00:56:12Well, to be honest, A, the kids are already doing better.
00:56:15B, I'm going to get fired again.
00:56:17And C, I miss brunch.
00:56:21Come to white party.
00:56:22Yeah, go to white party.
00:56:23No, no, no.
00:56:23I said brunch.
00:56:25Eggs are white.
00:56:29Nice job, Tommy.
00:56:31Mr. Bobby.
00:56:33Here you go.
00:56:36Here you go.
00:56:46Oh, my God.
00:56:47I got a but-.
00:56:49That is so uninspected.
00:56:52Well, I guess you're no longer the dumbest class in school.
00:56:55At least on paper.
00:56:58Please excuse the interruption.
00:56:59Miss Del Rio, Principal Wayne would like to see you after class.
00:57:05Hey, what'd you do?
00:57:06Come on, tell us.
00:57:09Shut up.
00:57:12Principal Wayne, your daughter is gorgeous.
00:57:16That's my wife.
00:57:19Oh, it's your wife.
00:57:21Well, she's very blonde.
00:57:23I've asked you to come here because I'm faced with a very difficult decision.
00:57:30Join the club.
00:57:31I've noticed you've been taking a very unusual approach with your students.
00:57:37Well, Principal Wayne, some of the kids are assholes and I have to treat them accordingly.
00:57:43The language you use could be argued is inappropriate to some.
00:57:47Some of them deserve it.
00:57:49You feel it's working?
00:57:51In fact, I do.
00:57:53Then I've made up my mind, Bianca.
00:57:55I've made up my mind as well, sir.
00:57:58I've decided to nominate you as teacher of the year.
00:58:02You don't have to fire me, I quit.
00:58:02What?
00:58:03What?
00:58:05I don't know what to say.
00:58:08Not one student has missed a single class since you started.
00:58:14That is unprecedented.
00:58:16This is outrageous.
00:58:18I'm sure it didn't hurt that you lied to them.
00:58:20Why don't you go ahead and tell us all about your cousin Cher, huh?
00:58:24Or your best friend, Lady Gaga.
00:58:27How's she doing?
00:58:28Well, I haven't talked to her in a while.
00:58:29You really know this Lady Gaga?
00:58:32Yes, sir.
00:58:34You are so full of shit, Bianca.
00:58:37If that even is your real name.
00:58:39Do you think it would be too much to invite this Lady Gaga to the ceremony?
00:58:45It would be great publicity for the school.
00:58:48I will certainly ask her.
00:59:15Mama?
00:59:18Ah.
00:59:19Yeah, this line always takes forever.
00:59:22Yeah, I'm each and a few.
00:59:23I'm just getting my hair done.
00:59:25I pick color for you.
00:59:26Yeah.
00:59:27I pick color for you.
00:59:29Oh, you always talk on the phone.
00:59:31Talk, talk on the phone.
00:59:33Never talk to me.
00:59:34You're only white lady who come in here.
00:59:36Never talk to me.
00:59:37But don't come back.
00:59:38Bye.
00:59:41Bye.
00:59:47Ow!
00:59:48Shit!
00:59:48Fuck!
00:59:49Fuck!
00:59:58Part one's done, sis.
01:00:01Found her?
01:00:02Well, of course I found her.
01:00:04Now make sure no one else will.
01:00:07And no scars, right?
01:00:10Nothing visible.
01:00:10You got it, darling.
01:00:13You got it, darling.
01:00:19Hey.
01:00:21Mama.
01:00:23Oh.
01:00:26Oh.
01:00:27Oh.
01:00:27Oh.
01:00:29Oh.
01:00:30Oh.
01:00:31Oh.
01:00:34Oh, dear.
01:00:37Oh, dear.
01:00:37Oh, dear.
01:00:40Oh, dear.
01:00:42Chuck, don't you cry.
01:00:47You look beautiful.
01:00:51Hey, Mama.
01:00:51Oh, dear.
01:00:52Bumps.
01:00:54Oh.
01:00:54That's a good hug.
01:00:56Good hug.
01:01:08This has gone too far.
01:01:10I'm a science teacher for Christ's sake.
01:01:12What is this?
01:01:12Unsolved mysteries bullshit.
01:01:14What can I say?
01:01:15I can't believe what just happened.
01:01:20Thanks for being such a good friend.
01:01:23I'm glad you're in my life, Richard.
01:01:27You're still not allowed to sleep with my brother.
01:01:31Bob Hitch.
01:01:32You know that you're going to jail.
01:01:34You know, Carly, you want an entity award you're after.
01:01:38Sister always makes sure Carly gets what she wants.
01:01:40I'm just supposed to keep an eye on you until the ceremony's over.
01:01:44Now I gotta leave you out here.
01:01:45Hey.
01:01:47I know it might be weird to call, but something crazy just happened.
01:01:49I want to tell you about it.
01:01:52Also, I had a really great time with you the other night.
01:01:55Hope we can do it again soon.
01:01:58See you soon, pretty girl.
01:02:02Sorry, lady.
01:02:03Look, stick in the water.
01:02:04What that means to you is family always comes first.
01:02:15There.
01:02:18What the hell?!
01:02:19Fuck off, fatty!
01:02:24You're a bitch!
01:02:28You fucking bitch!
01:02:30I'll find you!
01:02:31I'm gonna cut you open like a cow!
01:02:45By the way!
01:02:58I'm just waiting.
01:03:00You're a bitch!
01:03:04You're a bitch!
01:03:06There's a bitch!
01:03:07You're a bitch!
01:03:09You're a bitch!
01:03:11You're a bitch!
01:03:12You're the bitch!
01:03:14You're a bitch!
01:03:19Housekeeping.
01:03:21Morning, angels.
01:03:22I knew you were going to be hungover.
01:03:25Where have you been, girl?
01:03:27Ooh, coffee.
01:03:27Listen, I can explain.
01:03:28But first, I need you to meet my friends.
01:03:30This is Karma and Janice.
01:03:32Janice, Karma, and Stephen Bailey.
01:03:35Hi.
01:03:36Okay, I need your help.
01:03:38Uh-uh.
01:03:38See, we called you like 50 times yesterday.
01:03:40Someone from the school tried to have him kidnapped.
01:03:43I heard everything.
01:03:44Hold up, they kidnapping bitches over here?
01:03:46Oh, hell to the no.
01:03:48See, you need to call the police.
01:03:49You cannot call the police here because everybody is related.
01:03:52It's not a real town.
01:03:54It's like a big family reunion.
01:03:56What?
01:03:57Explain.
01:03:58Okay, it's like sometimes when you walk in the club
01:04:00and then you look around and you're like,
01:04:02why, damn, I done slept with everybody up in here.
01:04:04Oh, okay.
01:04:05Proceed.
01:04:06Well, look, I have a plan.
01:04:07Ooh, look at you, sounding like Mr. Training MacGyver Fish.
01:04:10Yeah.
01:04:10Well, I had time to think about it
01:04:12because I've been walking for 13 miles.
01:04:14What?
01:04:15Explain.
01:04:16Um, it's like walking from Soho to Harlem.
01:04:20Don't they have Uber here?
01:04:27Hurricanes form in tropical regions
01:04:30because they need warm water
01:04:32of at least 80 degrees Fahrenheit.
01:04:36The most characteristic feature of hurricanes
01:04:39is their eye,
01:04:40a region of dry air
01:04:42about which the strongest winds circulate.
01:04:45I don't know.
01:05:16This is the Karma Sutra Show, live from the Texas Theater, where there are rumors that there will be an
01:05:22appearance by Lady Gaga at tonight's Teacher of the Year ceremony.
01:05:29Who the hell are you?
01:05:30I'm part of G's security team, and I need to go through this building and make sure it's secure before
01:05:36the event.
01:05:36Who's security team?
01:05:38G's security team.
01:05:40Yeah, who's G?
01:05:42G, Lady Gaga, G. This has been cleared for weeks.
01:05:46Oh, well, this is news to me.
01:05:49Well, you listen to me, polka dot.
01:05:51Now, Lady Gaga herself is on her way here from the airport, and if I'm not able to go through
01:05:56this building and make sure it's secure from crackheads and cracks in the ceiling,
01:05:59then I will make a call, she will turn around, and trust me, you don't want that.
01:06:05All right, go ahead.
01:06:10Nice trip.
01:06:13Hey, knock it off out there!
01:06:21Oh, bitch, I need to start going to the jail.
01:06:30Be careful!
01:06:32Girl, I'm sorry.
01:06:32I was going to cut you a breathing hole, I promise.
01:06:35All right, come on, Reese Little Spoon.
01:06:38Hi.
01:06:39Oh, hello.
01:06:40Okay, Wayne, here you go.
01:06:43And here is one for your daughter.
01:06:46That's my wife?
01:06:48Oh, you.
01:06:50Oh, my God.
01:06:53Stop it!
01:06:54It really hurts!
01:06:56I'm free of killing me.
01:06:58Keep your mouth shut up.
01:06:59The queen of pop music has arrived.
01:07:03Hello, and welcome, everyone, to the annual District 214 Teacher of the Year ceremony.
01:07:23I am so lucky to be here to introduce some of our very talented staff tonight.
01:07:31In Pitch Me Now, we have a very special guest.
01:07:35I still can't believe it, Lady Gaga took time out of her very busy schedule to join us this
01:07:44evening.
01:07:47Are you having a good time, Gaga?
01:07:49Mm-hmm.
01:07:50Can you tell that to your face?
01:07:53Unfortunately, one of our teachers, Miss Del Rio, had some problems and was forced to
01:08:00retire.
01:08:03When did this happen?
01:08:05It's all under control, Wayne.
01:08:07Some shady shady.
01:08:08Very shady.
01:08:09But not to worry.
01:08:11Milford High will still be represented.
01:08:14They decided to send Carly Ward as an alternate.
01:08:26Scientists have warned presidents to be aware of storms with female names, as they are perceived
01:08:32to be less threatening, but are significantly more likely to kill.
01:08:39Now, let's take a moment to get to know some of our nominees.
01:08:47Our first nominee is Mr. Homer Flint from Nacogdoches.
01:08:55Homer is a favorite of his high school because of some of his strong and visionary leadership,
01:09:02a clear vision of his goals, and his impeccable style.
01:09:10Our next nominee is from Meadowlakes.
01:09:15Sue Ellen Spencer.
01:09:17She is known for her fun.
01:09:20Layback creative writing classes.
01:09:23Huh, sack scandal.
01:09:26Oh!
01:09:27It's going down in the schoolyard.
01:09:29Her desk is dirty.
01:09:34This thing is broken.
01:09:35Shut it down.
01:09:36Shut it down.
01:09:37What the hell?
01:09:38Hey.
01:09:39Hey, listen.
01:09:41Shut this down.
01:09:42Oh, my God.
01:09:44I'm at my school.
01:09:46That's not me.
01:09:47That's not me.
01:09:47It's just any short person.
01:09:52What the hell?
01:09:58Things have taken a strange turn here.
01:10:01Miss First, the mysterious and up until now anonymous woman that has been seducing young boys,
01:10:08has been revealed as Deborah Ward.
01:10:11Oh, quiet down, everybody.
01:10:14Oh, God.
01:10:15Look, this is not true.
01:10:18This is a conspiracy.
01:10:35Somebody fix the dang projector already.
01:10:42What?
01:10:43What is it?
01:10:44It's biting me.
01:10:46Oh, Nicky.
01:10:48Oh, Nicky.
01:10:49Oh, Nicky.
01:10:49Oh, Nicky.
01:10:49Oh, Nicky.
01:10:50Oh, Nicky.
01:10:50Oh, Nicky.
01:10:52Oh, Nicky.
01:10:53Oh, Nicky.
01:10:54Oh, Nicky.
01:10:55Oh, Nicky.
01:10:58Oh, Nicky.
01:10:59You're just getting botched.
01:11:01I don't need a band-aid.
01:11:04Oh, no.
01:11:06No.
01:11:06Oh, Nicky.
01:11:09Pick up.
01:11:09Pick up, Willie.
01:11:10Willie, pick up.
01:11:14Let me out of here.
01:11:16Get this, let me out of here.
01:11:19Willie.
01:11:20Willie, get back to me right now.
01:11:22No.
01:11:26Oh, Debbie, don't you look fancy tonight?
01:11:30You?
01:11:31Sorry, I'm a little late.
01:11:33I was tied up.
01:11:36Give me these.
01:11:38Get out of my way.
01:11:40Has anybody ever told you, Debbie, that you have beautifully shaped lips?
01:11:44Yes.
01:11:45And you know you need to be really careful with that face of yours.
01:11:49You might attract a swarm of men.
01:12:01Oh, my God.
01:12:02Oh, my God.
01:12:03It's just like my girl.
01:12:11Without further ado, I'd like to announce the winner before anything else falls on us.
01:12:17The winner of this year's Teacher of the Year award is...
01:12:22Well, this is awkward.
01:12:24Carly Ward?
01:12:28Rigged.
01:12:30Oh.
01:12:31Superintendent Howard, the information that disqualified our original nominee was given
01:12:38to you on false pretenses.
01:12:40What makes you say that, Wayne?
01:12:43Because Deborah Ward and her daughter are filthy lars.
01:12:48We want Bianca.
01:12:49Yeah, we want Bianca.
01:12:50Bianca!
01:12:52Bianca!
01:12:54Bianca!
01:13:14Bianca!
01:13:16I think Lady Gaga was hypnotic.
01:13:18Oh, yeah?
01:13:19But don't worry, that's what I was going to take.
01:13:33Do you think we need a recount?
01:13:43Well, all right there.
01:13:46Thank you, District 214.
01:13:49When I started, I didn't know if I was going to fit in.
01:13:52The one thing that was consistent was this remarkable staff.
01:13:57Didn't skip a beat in allowing me into their community.
01:14:00When I arrived, every single student I had was failing.
01:14:04Each one has shown improvement of at least 40%.
01:14:08All of this coming from someone you said was an embarrassment to your community.
01:14:17What?
01:14:18Holy fucking shit.
01:14:20I knew it.
01:14:24She's a dude?
01:14:26A man.
01:14:29A man?
01:14:31I got bumped.
01:14:34That was really fucking good.
01:14:41This is Bianca.
01:15:06Oh, it's pretty.
01:15:08Yes, it was.
01:15:10A man.
01:15:12A man!
01:15:12No!
01:15:15No!
01:15:22All of you have some very serious explaining to do.
01:15:27I can barely move my mouth.
01:15:29These stung lips are really in right now.
01:15:31Do you know how expensive these were?
01:15:35I must say, I have seen better behavior from some of your worst students.
01:15:41Richard, do me a favor.
01:15:44Take a look at the front page.
01:15:47Why?
01:15:49Why is my school racist against gay people, like Keely Carson?
01:15:53Oh, wank. Come on. You cannot give in to these kinds of special interest groups.
01:15:59Chuck.
01:16:00On it.
01:16:01Sorry, ma'am. It's a blessing to be here for extra security.
01:16:04Hey, let go of me, you overgrown maggot. I...
01:16:06Don't think I won't be calling the law, Miss Ward.
01:16:09Oh, are you kidding me? Is this a joke?
01:16:11Come on, that kid's been held back like six times.
01:16:13He said he was legal. He did.
01:16:17As for you, young lady, I have no proof that you were involved in any of this.
01:16:24Looks like he's suffered enough already.
01:16:25No, you're messing with me.
01:16:27I didn't think I was going to let you touch these.
01:16:32Just one more thing, Richard.
01:16:35Yes, sir.
01:16:36Please, stay out of the ladies' room.
01:16:40I'll try.
01:16:45I used to be one of those people that didn't really care about gay people.
01:16:48But then we had this teacher, and everyone was horrible to him, including me.
01:16:52But I didn't think he was going to get fired or anything.
01:16:55All right, guys, who's ready to graduate?
01:16:58Furthermore so, I think this school should have, like, some protection program.
01:17:02Or something.
01:17:03To protect gay people.
01:17:04Of course.
01:17:05You too.
01:17:06Because my friend Bobby is a total homo.
01:17:09But he won't come out because he'll probably get beat up.
01:17:11Well, at least more so than he already does.
01:17:13Anyway, thank you for reading my article.
01:17:16Keely Carson.
01:17:24All right.
01:17:26Please help me welcome back to the stage someone very important.
01:17:30Put your hands together and make some noise for the one.
01:17:33The only, Bianca Del Rio!
01:17:37Thank you, Androsa.
01:17:39Come on, Miss Del Rio!
01:17:43Oh, my God, what are you guys doing here?
01:17:45Do your parents know you're here?
01:17:47Security!
01:17:49Okay, listen.
01:17:50We have to get this show started, and I can only start the show with a drunk, straight girl.
01:17:54Do we have any drunk, straight girls in the audience?
01:17:57Thumbelina, come on up!
01:17:59I know you!
01:18:00This is my good girlfriend, Janice.
01:18:02All right.
01:18:02Who is ready to see Janice do an interpretive dance?
01:18:06All right.
01:18:07You ready, bitch?
01:18:08Let's do it.
01:18:09Hit it, DJ!
01:18:13Janice took over as the dance captain of the Lady Maverick cheerleading squad, which became
01:18:20her cover when she was recruited for secret ops at the CIA.
01:18:26Anyway, you know, I have to say, oh, you two, on your fucking phone, rude.
01:18:31As Steven and Bailey continued to look for dates on Grindr, they realized they'd accidentally
01:18:38been talking to each other.
01:18:42Bailey still lives on Steven's futon, but sometimes gets an upgrade.
01:18:59I won the Texas Excellence in Radio Award for my coverage of the Teacher of the Year ceremony.
01:19:07Chuck and I are closer than ever.
01:19:10He's still trying to add Bianca to his little black book.
01:19:13Richard used his winnings to find a nicer apartment and started a theater program at the school.
01:19:20I finally got to meet his cousin, who's not really Cher.
01:19:25Well, she is every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
01:19:28In the end, Hurricane Bianca was just the right kind of storm that this little town needed.