- 1 day ago
Hello Racers and welcome to DRAG☆FOLKS - Everything Drag (Race) In One Place To Watch. If you liked this video, feel free to subscribe for more and join my socials, where I post frequently:
REDDIT: https://www.reddit.com/r/dragfolksworld/
WEBPAGE: https://dragfolks.carrd.co/
OTHER CHANNEL: https://www.dailymotion.com/user/dragfolksarchives
REDDIT: https://www.reddit.com/r/dragfolksworld/
WEBPAGE: https://dragfolks.carrd.co/
OTHER CHANNEL: https://www.dailymotion.com/user/dragfolksarchives
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:07Oh, hey, darlings. I didn't see you there.
00:00:09Just Michelle Visage here enjoying a cozy night in,
00:00:12sitting by the fire, sipping on a brand-sponsored cocktail,
00:00:16and cracking open one of my favorite holiday classics.
00:00:20It's a story that's full of holiday spirit,
00:00:23filled with quirky small-town characters,
00:00:26and banned in 32 countries for being, quote,
00:00:29too gay.
00:00:30So kick your boots off, grab yourself a drink,
00:00:33if there's anything left,
00:00:34and enjoy a tale that begins like all other Christmas stories,
00:00:38with sweeping shots of New York City.
00:00:41T'was the week before Christmas and all through New York,
00:00:44everyone was feeling the spirit,
00:00:46except one lady, hard at work.
00:00:53Take this up to publishing.
00:00:55Size 80 headline.
00:00:56Something splashy like 12 skirts that say,
00:00:59I'm a slut, but I kind of know math.
00:01:05Hey, queen.
00:01:07Tristan, is that my favorite gay co-worker?
00:01:10Does this answer your question?
00:01:13Oh, it's so gay.
00:01:14I love it.
00:01:15It's almost like it's my entire personality.
00:01:18So, any plans for the holidays?
00:01:20Oh, you know me.
00:01:21I'll be working the whole time.
00:01:22The only thing I'll be opening on Christmas is my emails.
00:01:26Girl, do you not have any family or friends to spend the holiday for?
00:01:29Well, I have you, right?
00:01:30You're my friend.
00:01:31No, babe.
00:01:32I'm your gay co-worker.
00:01:33I'm just here to blindly support you
00:01:35and recite catchphrase so that I'm from black women.
00:01:38Wig.
00:01:39Well, I'm trying to look good for the promotion.
00:01:42You mean executive fashion lady, boss and chief?
00:01:45Oh, you're totally going to get it.
00:01:47You are like the Joan Didion of telling people to wear scarves and shirts.
00:01:51I just hope Hannah thinks so.
00:01:53Olivia, in my office now.
00:01:57We should be back.
00:02:03Olivia!
00:02:12Someone, please find me a new assistant.
00:02:18What did she do?
00:02:20I don't know.
00:02:21Something about chemo, taking off work.
00:02:24I don't...
00:02:25Hey, listen, thanks for coming in.
00:02:27There's something exciting I'd like to discuss with you.
00:02:31Does the name Takahoe mean anything to you?
00:02:34Is that like German for Big Taco?
00:02:39It's this little town that all the major rags are buzzing about.
00:02:43Apparently, they're obsessed with the holidays.
00:02:47Makes me want to vomit.
00:02:48So you want me to write an expose on a Christmas town?
00:02:52Dear girl, readership numbers are down, Olivia.
00:02:57Everyone's saying that print journalism is dead.
00:03:01Well, we need something controversial to put us back on top.
00:03:05Imagine it.
00:03:07Nice little town, top of the naughty list.
00:03:12I want you to go there and dig up some dirt.
00:03:16Covertly, of course.
00:03:17And most importantly, get your hands on this winter crown.
00:03:28Mesmerizing, isn't it?
00:03:30It's the grand prize of the silly little competition they throw every year.
00:03:35The ultimate winter accessory that will have the world reading this expose.
00:03:42I want you to turn on the cover, Olivia, of the annual Christmas issue.
00:03:48That's right.
00:03:49Most important issue in fashion.
00:03:52Wait.
00:03:53How am I supposed to write about Christmas?
00:03:55I always spend it at work.
00:03:58All I'm saying is it would look pretty good for that promotion you've been eyeing.
00:04:02But if you don't want to do it, I'll find someone who will.
00:04:08Maybe Tristan.
00:04:10You are not my answer, sir.
00:04:13If he ever gets around to doing work.
00:04:15Thanks.
00:04:16Look, I'm going to need an answer by tomorrow.
00:04:19Okay?
00:04:25As Olivia sat there, she pondered and reminisced.
00:04:28Is Christmas a day she regrets to have Christmased?
00:04:33What do you think, Barbara?
00:04:35What do you do when you're at a crossroads?
00:04:37Take the job, Olivia!
00:04:40Barbara.
00:04:41All great lady journalists do anything to get the story.
00:04:47Ask tough questions.
00:04:49Go undercover!
00:04:54Go undercover, huh?
00:05:05Hannah, I'll do it.
00:05:07You'll have the expose on your desk in a week.
00:05:10Goodbye, Olivia St. LaPelle.
00:05:13Hello, Maggie Zine.
00:05:37Excuse me.
00:05:39Can you tell me where the tucked in is?
00:05:42I'm here on business.
00:05:43Christmas business?
00:05:45Um, sure.
00:05:47It's starting.
00:05:49What's starting?
00:05:51Really not from around here, are you?
00:05:56The Christmas trees are on display and looking picture perfect.
00:06:00It's coming from their college fund and definitely worth it.
00:06:03There's cookies in the oven.
00:06:05And grandma in the kitchen.
00:06:07The snowball fights are mostly ice, but hey, that's just tradition.
00:06:11I met a man of mystery one day and been in love since.
00:06:15He's from abroad and super hot.
00:06:17And definitely not a prince.
00:06:19There's mistletoe on every door and kissing without worries.
00:06:22Except for maybe one which is whoever gave me herpes.
00:06:26It's a Taco-Ho Christmas.
00:06:28There's magic in the air.
00:06:30And if you listen, you'll hear the children all cowering down in the square.
00:06:33Shut up!
00:06:34It's a Taco-Ho Christmas.
00:06:36It makes you do it grow.
00:06:37It's Christmas time in Taco-Ho.
00:06:43We've got a kid with polio, and look, he's got his crutches.
00:06:47I haven't felt my legs in years, but hey, it's got its buses.
00:06:51A Christmas ghost, a talking dog, and look, it's Dolly Parton.
00:06:54I'm on the hair for this one part.
00:06:56Because I have been paid, darling.
00:06:58It's a Taco-Ho Christmas.
00:06:59There's toys in every store.
00:07:01A chance to do something real creepy outside a woman's door.
00:07:05Hush!
00:07:05It's a Taco-Ho Christmas.
00:07:07In case you didn't know.
00:07:08It's Christmas time in Taco-Ho.
00:07:12I plan on finding what this town is hiding.
00:07:16When I do, I know that the promotion will be mine.
00:07:20Why did I just sing that?
00:07:21Oh, pardon me.
00:07:25Woo!
00:07:28Those are your husbands?
00:07:30Why do you ask?
00:07:31Woo!
00:07:38It's a Taco-Ho Christmas.
00:07:41It's kind of all about God.
00:07:42In a consumer capitalist commercial way that uses religion as a facade.
00:07:46Shut up!
00:07:46It's a Taco-Ho Christmas.
00:07:48In case you didn't know.
00:07:50It's Christmas time in Taco.
00:07:52Christmas time in Taco.
00:07:54Oh, it's really good.
00:07:56It's really good.
00:07:59I like this.
00:08:02Woo!
00:08:07Merry Christmas, Taco-Ho!
00:08:09It's Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:11Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:13Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:15Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:16Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:18Hi!
00:08:18Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:21Oh, sorry.
00:08:22Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:24Christmas time in Taco.
00:08:26Oh!
00:08:34Is that the mayor?
00:08:35The Kunt.
00:08:36What did you just call me?
00:08:38Mayor Kunt.
00:08:41Season's tidings, my town.
00:08:44Tomorrow marks a very special day.
00:08:46It's the first day of our annual winter ball.
00:08:52Now, I don't need to tell you how it works,
00:08:54but I will anyway,
00:08:56just in case somebody comes from out of town
00:08:59on Christmas business or something.
00:09:01The ball.
00:09:01The ball is a week-long, multi-part competition
00:09:07to judge what street in town
00:09:10embodies the holiday spirit the most.
00:09:16Delia, the crown, please.
00:09:22Gonna be sleeping at this little number.
00:09:25As Delia Von White woman,
00:09:27the head housewife of Kitten Hill Court,
00:09:29and the winner of the last 11 winter balls.
00:09:32I just want to say,
00:09:34that it's just a silly little crown,
00:09:36and not something to plan your entire year-slash-life around.
00:09:45Let it go, Delia.
00:09:46Yes.
00:09:54As our forefathers once ordained,
00:09:58no citizen shall see the crown before the final pageant,
00:10:01or else they will fall victim to the dreadful Tuckahoe curse.
00:10:07Mm-hmm.
00:10:08I'm sure everyone here remembers what happened to Lil' Lenny,
00:10:12our local polio child.
00:10:15Russ, could you please lock this away?
00:10:20All right.
00:10:22Tuckahoe, start your engines,
00:10:25and may the best housewife win!
00:10:45Oh!
00:10:47Oh!
00:10:48Oh!
00:10:48Oh!
00:10:49Oh, my God!
00:10:49I'm so sorry!
00:10:50No worries.
00:10:52I'm sure it'll come out in the wash.
00:10:54All right.
00:10:54Can you hold this?
00:11:04Hey, Mag?
00:11:05Can you take the crown of that secret location nobody knows about?
00:11:09Yeah.
00:11:09Sorry about that.
00:11:11Name's Big Russ.
00:11:12I'm the mayor's security.
00:11:14Maggie.
00:11:15Maggiezine.
00:11:17Yeah.
00:11:17Looks like I owe you another, uh...
00:11:20Wait a second.
00:11:21Is this coffee?
00:11:22It is.
00:11:22It is coffee.
00:11:23I...
00:11:24I actually love coffee.
00:11:26Well, you love coffee?
00:11:28That is crazy,
00:11:29because I also love coffee.
00:11:32Really?
00:11:32Oh, my God.
00:11:33I've never met anyone else who loves coffee.
00:11:36I actually even have this saying in the morning,
00:11:39don't talk to me until I've had my hot bean water.
00:11:46Would you maybe want to grab a cup with me?
00:11:51Uh, I'm really busy with work,
00:11:55but maybe I'll see you around.
00:12:01Bye, Maggiezine.
00:12:06Lost the scent of the crown,
00:12:07but fortunately I have a reservation at the town inn.
00:12:10It's the perfect place to chat up with locals
00:12:12and get the scoop.
00:12:13Someone's bound to know where that crown is hiding.
00:12:20Oh, my God.
00:12:21I'm sorry.
00:12:21I was just checking to see if you were on duty.
00:12:23I thought you were that Annabelle doll.
00:12:26Oh, yeah.
00:12:27I'm on duty.
00:12:29And I am happy to take you.
00:12:32Just so you know,
00:12:33I almost lost my license last week,
00:12:35but it's nothing serious.
00:12:37Judges use all this legal jargon,
00:12:39you know, like vehicular manslaughter
00:12:42or something like that.
00:12:43I don't know.
00:12:44Anyway, where are you going?
00:12:45The tucked in?
00:12:46Oh, I love that little hole in the wall.
00:12:47Oh, yeah.
00:12:48Yeah, the pictures online look really quaint.
00:12:50Nah, there's literally a hole in the wall.
00:12:53Try parallel parking.
00:12:54Back right into the lobby.
00:12:57Buckle up.
00:13:02Oh, your name is B.E.
00:13:03Like a car?
00:13:04Nah, bitch.
00:13:05Like a...
00:13:09Hold on.
00:13:11I know a shortcut.
00:13:16After many missed turns
00:13:18and a cab breaking down,
00:13:19the two pulled up at dawn
00:13:21to a seedy edge of town.
00:13:29Who got my name?
00:13:40Not from around here, are you?
00:13:44Oh, uh, do you work here?
00:13:47If by here you mean this alley,
00:13:49then yeah, I work here.
00:13:51Oh, so you do construction?
00:13:54If by construction you mean
00:13:55handling heavy pipes with my hands,
00:13:57then yeah, I do construction.
00:13:59Oh, so you're a plumber?
00:14:03If by plumber you mean
00:14:04sucking massive clogs
00:14:06out of people's holes,
00:14:07then yeah, I'm a plumber.
00:14:10Oh, you're a whore.
00:14:12Oh, yeah, that's me.
00:14:14The name's Kitty.
00:14:16Allow me.
00:14:21Follow me, please.
00:14:24Excuse me.
00:14:25Time for my morning cold potato water.
00:14:27Boys, good news.
00:14:29Just got back from the clinic
00:14:31clean as a whistle.
00:14:33That was just in someone's ass.
00:14:35Come, we drink.
00:14:37Oh, come here.
00:14:58Hello?
00:15:07Hello.
00:15:09Oh, oh.
00:15:11Hiya gal pal, you checking in?
00:15:13Are you okay?
00:15:14What were you doing up there?
00:15:16Oh, I thought it'd be neat to install a fire pole.
00:15:20Turns out I forgot the pole.
00:15:22But there is a fire up there.
00:15:24Oh, I'll get to it later.
00:15:27Hazel the Lashes, I run the inn.
00:15:30Well, when it isn't running away from me.
00:15:33I have a reservation under Zine, first name Maggie.
00:15:37Maggie Zine?
00:15:39What, like a magazine?
00:15:41You're not one of those reporters from the big city, are you?
00:15:46No, of course not.
00:15:48No, I'm a...
00:15:52jar...
00:15:54nail...
00:15:56list.
00:15:57A journalist?
00:16:00Shit.
00:16:02Like somebody who makes journals?
00:16:05Yes!
00:16:06That!
00:16:07Why didn't you say so in the first place, girly?
00:16:11Journals are one of my top five favorite things.
00:16:14Let me show you to your room.
00:16:18One of these.
00:16:19Come on.
00:16:22Awesome.
00:16:23Yes.
00:16:25Yes.
00:16:29Ooh.
00:16:35It's musty.
00:16:38That's just me.
00:16:42Oh, why is the mattress wet?
00:16:45Didn't you ask for the pirate theme?
00:16:47Arrr.
00:16:50It's probably pee.
00:16:52For pirate...
00:17:02I thought so.
00:17:04Ladies.
00:17:06I was ashamed.
00:17:09Arrr.
00:17:12Thank you all for coming to the Kitten Girl Court announcement club and for adhering to this
00:17:17month's theme.
00:17:18Big hats.
00:17:19Remember, next month is little gloves as suggested by Bernice.
00:17:23Good suggestion.
00:17:25Thank you, Bernice.
00:17:27Our first announcement, as you all know, is that tomorrow is the winter ball.
00:17:32I hope you all are well rested.
00:17:34With the twins running around?
00:17:35Bad chance.
00:17:38That's funny, Lynette.
00:17:40Do you think this is something to laugh about?
00:17:42It's just a joke.
00:17:44Oh, I'm sorry.
00:17:45I didn't realize I had front row tickets to Lynette live at the Giggle Factory.
00:17:49Please, tell another joke.
00:17:51I don't have another joke.
00:17:52Well, then what are you good for?
00:17:54Get out and take your ugly hat with you.
00:17:59You look like a bargain bin Pippa Middleton.
00:18:03See you tomorrow, hon.
00:18:05Now, where were we?
00:18:06Oh, I remember.
00:18:07Oh, Bertram.
00:18:13You all have met my husband, Bertram, the very rich owner of the local bank.
00:18:18And I couldn't be luckier to have found such a generous, open, and understanding prenup as ours.
00:18:24Isn't that right, Bertram?
00:18:27Bertram, stop.
00:18:28Not in front of everyone.
00:18:30Lights.
00:18:34Christmas Eve marks yet another year where Kitten Heel Court takes home the crown.
00:18:40But I'd also like to announce that it will commence of the grand remodeling of downtown Tuckahoe.
00:18:46Wow.
00:18:48With Bertram's help, we ladies of Kitten Heel Court are going to turn this into this.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:58Wow.
00:18:59No more hookers or wild dogs.
00:19:01Or that bed bug infested tucked in.
00:19:04Now we'll have what we always dreamed of.
00:19:07The largest cardigan super outlet in the Tri-State.
00:19:11Yay!
00:19:15Oh, crap.
00:19:16As Olivia walked through the bar in her cocktail skirt, she chatted up Hazel to dig up some dirt.
00:19:26I'll take a Manhattan.
00:19:27You mean like that city where some people are from?
00:19:31I mean, uh, Cosmopolitan.
00:19:35You mean like the people that are from that city?
00:19:39I'll take a water.
00:19:44Water.
00:19:44Water, huh?
00:19:46Love that stuff.
00:19:48I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were there.
00:19:50No one ever does.
00:19:51I was actually diagnosed with chronic no personality disorder.
00:19:54No interest, no talents, no original ideas.
00:19:59Kind of like a background character in my own life.
00:20:02Well, what do you want to do with your life?
00:20:04Become an international pop star.
00:20:07I'm Jane McBeige.
00:20:09I deliver all the mail here in town.
00:20:11Well, until my big break.
00:20:13Maggie.
00:20:15Say...
00:20:17If you deliver the mail, you must have heard about some...
00:20:22Scandals? Corruption?
00:20:23Maybe where a certain crown is being kept?
00:20:25Oh, doll.
00:20:26That crown is locked up tighter than my ex-husband.
00:20:29The only way of getting your hands on it is by winning it.
00:20:32Oh, by the way, Hazel, I got another letter from the bank.
00:20:36Oh, it's probably about that loan.
00:20:41Oh, no.
00:20:42Oh, no, no, no.
00:20:45Hazel, Hazel.
00:20:47It's an eviction notice.
00:20:49It says they're gonna tear down the inn on Christmas Eve.
00:20:53What? They can't do that.
00:20:56This is where I get all my work.
00:20:58I'm so behind on the loan, they're gonna...
00:21:00They're gonna bulldoze the inn in five days.
00:21:05I guess that's just how banks work.
00:21:08Oh, come on.
00:21:09There's got to be something we can do.
00:21:11But, as Olivia sat there next to the broads of downtown,
00:21:15she had an idea, a way to get close to the crown.
00:21:20What if you entered the Winter Ball?
00:21:23Huh?
00:21:23What?
00:21:28Think about it.
00:21:30If you won the crown,
00:21:32the downtown would be named the most Christmassy street in Tuckahoe.
00:21:36There's no way the mayor would tear it down then.
00:21:40But how are we gonna be kitten heel court?
00:21:43You know what?
00:21:45Oh, my goodness.
00:21:48I may just be a girl named Maggie who makes journals.
00:21:52But I can feel it.
00:21:54There is magic in this inn.
00:22:06We need a leader if we're going to compete.
00:22:08And who is going to lead a bunch of busted-ass broads like us?
00:22:15I'll do it.
00:22:16What? You?
00:22:18Yeah, that's right.
00:22:20Tomorrow, I'm gonna be in the square
00:22:22repping the broads of downtown.
00:22:26Who's with me?
00:22:29Oh, like I'm gonna let anybody else destroy this place before me.
00:22:34And like I'm gonna let them demolish the last glory hole in town.
00:22:38Like I'm gonna let you gals put your hands in a pile-up without me.
00:22:42Oh, if we're gonna compete, we need one more person.
00:22:46I'll do it.
00:22:47Any takers? Come on, ladies.
00:22:49I'll do it.
00:22:50Is there anybody around here?
00:22:53Hey, what about you, Jane?
00:22:55Oh.
00:22:56I'll do it.
00:22:59Then it's settled.
00:23:00Open the crown and save the inn!
00:23:03Woo!
00:23:06But first, we need to do something about...
00:23:10this.
00:23:10What?
00:23:11I put on the other one today.
00:23:12I ordered the second one.
00:23:15You hear that, ladies?
00:23:17That's the sound of a makeover montage!
00:23:21No, that's actually just the sound of a couple of rats sucking each other up in the radiator.
00:23:37Ooh!
00:23:39Ooh!
00:23:41Ooh!
00:23:42Ooh!
00:23:44Ooh.
00:23:45Well, she left a snail trail all over the line.
00:23:47Yes, yes.
00:23:49Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,
00:23:54well, well, well, well, well, well, yes.
00:24:11How do we look?
00:24:12Like winners.
00:24:15Live from downtown Tuckahoe, the Christmasiest town in America,
00:24:20it's the Tuckahoe annual winter ball.
00:24:22Well, it is a beautiful winter evening here in Tuckahoe
00:24:25and the perfect night to kick off the annual winter ball.
00:24:29Isn't that right, Creston Carsley?
00:24:30Oh, it sure is, Matt Roth Hughes.
00:24:32Even our wives joined us here tonight in the audience.
00:24:35Oh, hi, hon.
00:24:36Look at her.
00:24:37Oh, your wife looks cute.
00:24:38Thanks, I did her hair.
00:24:39Oh, I love it.
00:24:40She got a new bra?
00:24:40I'm not sure, but I cannot wait to bend her over my desk later and mess that thing up.
00:24:45Yeah, that's hot.
00:24:46All right, now, for the first competition, it's going to be the Holiday Runway.
00:24:50Isn't that right?
00:24:50Yes, and for the Holiday Runway, each street will debut a series of unified looks
00:24:54for a chance to impress the mayor.
00:24:56Oh, here she comes now.
00:25:05First up, L'Chaim Lane, serving us Hanukkah tour.
00:25:09Hmm, mazel.
00:25:24Well, well, well.
00:25:26Looks like the downtown rats made it out of the sewer.
00:25:29Oh, your haircut's expensive.
00:25:32Who might you be?
00:25:33A magazine.
00:25:35And I just want to say, you better watch your back.
00:25:38Because this year, the competition's going to get a little tougher.
00:25:43Tougher, yeah.
00:25:44If you took out the E and put the R between the T and the L.
00:25:49Trog?
00:25:50Trog?
00:25:51Trog?
00:25:52Trog?
00:25:52Trog?
00:25:52Wait, no.
00:25:53It's trough.
00:25:54Hasn't a thing you'll be eating out of?
00:25:56Because you're pigs.
00:25:58I'm so sorry.
00:25:59Can you say it one more time, please?
00:26:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:26:02I mean, I thought you just said that we were rats.
00:26:05Kitten Heel Court to the stage, please.
00:26:07Watch and learn, little rats.
00:26:10Squeak, squeak.
00:26:13And, of course, Kitten Heel Court, serving Nativity scene real life.
00:26:16Joy to the world.
00:26:18Joy to the world.
00:26:20Joy to the world.
00:26:21Little henry chair.
00:26:24Why can't you sing?
00:26:28Joy to the world.
00:26:32Mary.
00:26:33Are you there, God?
00:26:34It's me, your baby mama.
00:26:36Very creative.
00:26:38Joy to the world.
00:26:45Ooh, next up, I wasn't expecting this.
00:26:47See, this is a real shocker.
00:26:49It's the broads of downtown Tuckahoe, giving us Santa's workroom.
00:26:53Hm.
00:26:53I don't know.
00:26:55I don't know.
00:26:56Come and taste my Christmas cookies.
00:26:59From my loving, loving.
00:27:06Come and taste my Christmas cookies.
00:27:12Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
00:27:14Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
00:27:26A little of unprofessionalism.
00:27:28Far too much.
00:27:36Mayor Kunt, your final judgment?
00:27:39Put him away!
00:27:41Kitten Hill Court is the winner!
00:27:54I told you to lock it away.
00:27:57Locked what away?
00:27:59The crown.
00:28:00I did.
00:28:01It's in a secret location that no one knows about.
00:28:03And it's locked up?
00:28:05I couldn't find the key, so I just put a really heavy book in front of the door.
00:28:09Russ, like I say every year, there's no key. It's a code.
00:28:14That explains the keypad. So, what was the code?
00:28:18Oh, I told you, the code. It's 80085.
00:28:30Oh!
00:28:30Oh!
00:28:32Careful there, coffee girl.
00:28:34Oh, hey.
00:28:36Coffee guy.
00:28:39Yeah, well that'd be cream or sugar.
00:28:41Oat milk, please, or else I'll shit my pants.
00:28:50What were you doing back there?
00:28:52Oh, I was just climbing up to get a better look at this big tree.
00:28:59Wow, we don't have those where I'm from.
00:29:02And where is that?
00:29:05The Gobi Desert.
00:29:09Oh, no, your tape recorder's all wet.
00:29:11Oh.
00:29:12Oh.
00:29:14Excuse me, here.
00:29:26Look, I know you're some classy business lady, and I'm just some security guard with a tragic backstory that's left
00:29:32me incredibly single, but...
00:29:34Is there any chance that you might...
00:29:37I'm sorry.
00:29:38I...
00:29:39I have to take this.
00:29:43Hannah?
00:29:44Do you have the crown?
00:29:48I'm working on it.
00:29:50Well, what's the hold up?
00:29:51Olivia, I did not send you there to walk around with your thumb up your ass.
00:29:57Olivia, do I need to remind you how much you owe me?
00:30:00Darling, I was there for you when nobody else was.
00:30:06Oh, Olivia, if you drop one more call, you're going back out of the street where I found you.
00:30:13Yes, Hannah.
00:30:17Let me tell you something.
00:30:18You're lucky I found you on that stoop.
00:30:21I risked my career for you, so you better repay me.
00:30:24I will.
00:30:25I will get it, Hannah.
00:30:27That's a good girl.
00:30:31After a series of losses, the broads were losing faith.
00:30:35Hold up in the bar.
00:30:38Who the hell?
00:30:40Hiya!
00:30:41What's up, bitch?
00:30:43Kim Petrus, what are you doing here?
00:30:45Deck the hoes with balls of...
00:30:48No, hold up. Uh-uh. You can't just come into people's houses and start singing.
00:30:51I am in the middle of something, so...
00:30:53Oh, okay.
00:30:56Right.
00:30:57Go ahead.
00:30:58Now, where were we?
00:31:00Right.
00:31:01The broads were just thinking, maybe they should just give up.
00:31:07You know, maybe we should just give up?
00:31:11I'll never be a pop star after this.
00:31:14No, we can't give up.
00:31:16I mean, did Katie Couric give up when her daytime talk show was canceled?
00:31:21Who?
00:31:22Did Rachel Maddow give up when everyone said she looked like a lesbian Andrew Garfield?
00:31:27Yeah, but girl, even if we step our pussies up to the nth degree, we still need no Kitten Heel
00:31:34Court.
00:31:35Maybe that's the problem.
00:31:37We're trying to be Kitten Heel Court.
00:31:41Thanks.
00:31:43Ah, Craig's in a cracker. She's just climbing on the furniture.
00:31:46Who are these Kitten Heel Court ladies anyway, huh? Huh? They're rich. So? They're manicured. What else?
00:31:54Oh, they also bleach their assholes.
00:31:57Exactly. And guess what? Our assholes aren't bleached. Ours are the color of shit. And you know why?
00:32:06Because that's where shit comes out of?
00:32:08Yes, Jane. That is where shit comes out of.
00:32:11I like where this is going.
00:32:13The broads are gross. Right? We're sluts. We're messes. And we are proud of it.
00:32:23We've just got to take our nasty shit and shove it in their faces.
00:32:29What does I usually charge for that?
00:32:31We just have to show this town why we are special.
00:32:37But, but the Carol Showdown is tomorrow night. What are we supposed to do?
00:32:43Uh, come on ladies. I've got a plan.
00:32:48Is it topless?
00:32:52And for those of you just joining us, tonight is the ultimate Carol Showdown.
00:32:57Yes, and the rules are very simple.
00:32:59Two teams are forced to go head-to-head in a high-stakes Carol sing-off.
00:33:03Joy to the world, the Lord has come. Let earth receive her King.
00:33:12Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don me now
00:33:18our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:33:33The little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head.
00:33:39Just rail me, merry gentlemen, and let me ride the thing.
00:33:44I'll grind the top and I won't stop until my pussy sings.
00:33:48What's a pussy?
00:33:51Skip to the end!
00:33:54On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love came to me.
00:33:58Twelve drummers running. Eleven vodka tampons.
00:34:00Two lords a-leaping. Nine lines of cocaine.
00:34:03Eight mails a-milkings. Seven hookers sucking.
00:34:05Six years a-laying. Five gold copper rings.
00:34:09Four golden birds. Three big shits. Two turtle-claws games.
00:34:17Who the f***?
00:34:21In an orchid!
00:34:29That was the most inappropriate, disgusting, hurrah performance in the history of the ball.
00:34:38And I'm gagging for more!
00:34:42Oh!
00:34:43I might as well just call it there.
00:34:45The broads win the entire arrow battle!
00:34:51Oh!
00:34:52Hi, everybody!
00:34:57Okay!
00:34:58Ladies, I think it's time to wrap it up.
00:35:01Yes, you guys!
00:35:03We have to practice to get some rest for tomorrow, okay?
00:35:06You too, Hazel. I'm gonna close up.
00:35:09Well, good night.
00:35:11Good night.
00:35:11Or else, I have to go to work now.
00:35:13Well, she should close up shop.
00:35:15Come on, girl.
00:35:18Oh, I'm sorry. We're closed.
00:35:21So, I guess I'm too late for a nightcap.
00:35:29What's a girl from the Gobi Desert doing in a town like this?
00:35:33Do you have any Gobi boyfriends?
00:35:37Oh, no, no.
00:35:39I'm sort of married to my job.
00:35:43I feel that.
00:35:45I've also thrown myself into my job ever since the accident.
00:35:50She was my wife.
00:35:53Oh, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.
00:35:55It was December.
00:35:57A day like any other.
00:35:59Except it was the day my wife died.
00:36:02There I was.
00:36:03Watching her leave for her job as the town's clock tower technician.
00:36:08Oh.
00:36:09She knew that clock inside and out.
00:36:12A.M.
00:36:14And P.M.
00:36:17There was supposed to be a routine maintenance job.
00:36:20Loosing of a bolt here.
00:36:23Straightening of a hand there.
00:36:25Just like every other inspection.
00:36:29Except it was the one that killed my wife.
00:36:31Again, if this is too touchy for you-
00:36:32She was mangled.
00:36:34Sucked into the gears like a piece of saltwater taffy.
00:36:37Her bones crushed by the pendulum.
00:36:40Her head...
00:36:43Popping open from the sheer force of the pulleys.
00:36:46You ever try wiping brain matter off a giant bell?
00:36:50No, I haven't.
00:36:52That's because your wife didn't die in a clock tower.
00:37:01She was so dead.
00:37:03Deader than print journalism.
00:37:07Her body...
00:37:09So...
00:37:10Mangled by the gears.
00:37:12So stiff with...
00:37:14Rigor Morris.
00:37:17It was impossible to get out.
00:37:20So now every time I look up...
00:37:24I know the exact time she died.
00:37:34I've never told anyone that before.
00:37:38Except everyone in town who watched it happen.
00:37:41Yeah.
00:37:42You look just like her.
00:37:44Oh.
00:37:44Would you ever consider wearing a blonde wig?
00:37:47Sorry.
00:37:49Olivia darling, why are you not answering my phone calls?
00:37:53I mean, were you eaten by dogs or something?
00:37:55Sorry bitch.
00:37:56This mailbox is full.
00:37:57It better not be.
00:37:58Making room for more messages, you ain't gotta be all extra.
00:38:01Good.
00:38:04Never send a reporter to do an editor's job.
00:38:12What were we even laughing about?
00:38:14I can't even remember.
00:38:20So, what about you?
00:38:22Do you have any family?
00:38:24Oh, um...
00:38:25I don't really talk about my family that much.
00:38:28Is that because they died in a clock tower?
00:38:31No, uh...
00:38:32I just don't think they ever really wanted me.
00:38:38Hey, uh, what's that?
00:38:41Oh, that's Mayor Coons.
00:38:43Thirty years ago.
00:38:44She was the best winter queen this town ever had.
00:38:48Who's that standing behind her?
00:38:50That's her sister, Marianne.
00:38:52She used to write for the local paper, but nobody ever read her articles.
00:38:57It was sad, really.
00:38:59She was always living in the mayor's shadow.
00:39:02Was?
00:39:06Nobody ever knew what happened to her.
00:39:10She went missing on that very day.
00:39:19Well, it's getting late.
00:39:24Hey.
00:39:26Maybe I could take you out for that coffee sometime.
00:39:30And don't worry.
00:39:32I won't talk about my dead wife.
00:39:35Too much.
00:39:39I'll think about it.
00:39:52Yeah, I'll just let myself out.
00:39:55Three minutes left in the tree lighting challenge, and this competition is heating up faster than my wife's undercarriage.
00:40:01Mmm, and trust me, that is pretty fast.
00:40:04And how would you know that, Matt?
00:40:13Oh.
00:40:14Oh.
00:40:16B, that's our tree?
00:40:16Yeah, and you might want to grab it for the hospital.
00:40:19We'll have this missing.
00:40:21Get it.
00:40:21Uh, ladies.
00:40:23Look at kitten heel court.
00:40:25Yoo-hoo.
00:40:26Get a lot of this, girls.
00:40:31Yeah, I think we're going to need more lights.
00:40:34Yeah.
00:40:34You're too weird.
00:40:35Oh, God.
00:40:36I have an idea.
00:40:37Oh, good.
00:40:39Where are you going?
00:40:41Bertram!
00:40:42We only have a few minutes.
00:40:44Mwah!
00:40:45Ow!
00:40:46Oh, no!
00:40:48Ah, I feel so safe with you, Bertram.
00:40:52Oh!
00:40:53Oh!
00:40:54Oh!
00:40:55Oh!
00:40:55Oh!
00:40:58That's why I trusted you to keep the crown in your bank.
00:41:03Ooh!
00:41:04Yeah.
00:41:05Brrr!
00:41:05Shh, shh, shh.
00:41:09Oh, ladies.
00:41:10That looks a lot better.
00:41:11It's like Rockefeller Center.
00:41:13But, you know, this tree's still missing a certain, uh, je ne sais quoi.
00:41:18Oh!
00:41:19I know.
00:41:20We don't have a star for the tap.
00:41:22I have another idea.
00:41:24Oh!
00:41:26And now for the final judging.
00:41:30Ha ha!
00:41:32Whoo!
00:41:33Woo!
00:41:34Ah!
00:41:39Ah!
00:41:43Oh!
00:41:44Oh!
00:41:46Oh!
00:41:48Get there, Jane!
00:41:57Ave Maria
00:42:05Gracia
00:42:06Maria
00:42:11Maria
00:42:11Something, something Latin
00:42:15Maria is a cool name
00:42:20Name, name
00:42:35We need to talk
00:42:37We are saving this internet
00:42:44Girls, tonight for the rest of the night
00:42:46All drinks are on me
00:42:59So I was thinking about that coffee
00:43:06Maggie's phone, this is Hazel speaking
00:43:08Who the hell is Maggie?
00:43:11Hazel, Hazel, what are you doing?
00:43:13Oh, I'm just talking to some woman that's trapped inside your phone
00:43:16I'm her boss
00:43:17Oh
00:43:18Yo, yo girls, look
00:43:20It's Maggie's box from the journal
00:43:26Maggie's the best
00:43:28I'm just gonna go over that journal prototype
00:43:31It has a gun in it
00:43:34Oh, I love guns
00:43:37Olivia, tell me, darling
00:43:38Does my limo have a toilet in it?
00:43:41Not that I know of
00:43:42Then why'd you send me something I could wipe my ass with?
00:43:46It's a nude take on the expose
00:43:47No, it's strong women coming together against all odds
00:43:51You were supposed to find me gossip
00:43:54You were supposed to find me that crown
00:43:57But if you'd rather make friends with a bunch of overgrown orangutans
00:44:02Then be my guest
00:44:03I guess that promotion is going up in flames
00:44:07I'm hanging out
00:44:08No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
00:44:10I know where the crown is hiding
00:44:13It's in a vault locked in a bank
00:44:16And I have the code
00:44:17How do you know that?
00:44:19I eavesdropped on the mayor having an affair with the banker
00:44:22Well, well, well
00:44:23It looks like this town's grapevine just got a whole lot juicier
00:44:30I've changed my mind
00:44:31Don't worry about the crown
00:44:33Focus on rewriting the expose
00:44:36But I want something that grabs me by the labia and makes me want to listen
00:44:43Cheating husband, slutty mayor
00:44:45Those ugly friends of yours
00:44:48The brats?
00:44:49No, no, they're great
00:44:51They're like the Sex and the City girls
00:44:53Yeah, if the city were turned noble
00:44:56Hey, just curious
00:44:58What is the code to that crown vault?
00:45:01Oh, it's just 80085
00:45:03Why?
00:45:04No reason
00:45:05Hey, listen
00:45:06I'm getting another call
00:45:08Just have that expose in my email tomorrow morning
00:45:12And that promotion
00:45:14Is yours
00:45:19You can come out now
00:45:24You're the private investigator I call
00:45:26Mr. E at your service
00:45:28Her name is Maggie Zine
00:45:30Something about her doesn't sit right with me
00:45:33So you think someone murdered her
00:45:35What?
00:45:36No, she's a lie
00:45:37Lady, I specialize in homicide
00:45:41Dead girls mostly
00:45:42I can find a dead girl in a quarry
00:45:45Or a stream
00:45:46Or an oil drum
00:45:47Floating down a cranberry bog
00:45:51I just need you to look into her
00:45:53Dig around
00:45:54Find any
00:45:54Semen insider
00:45:57No
00:45:57She's at the Tugged Inn
00:45:59Right now
00:46:00As in not dead
00:46:01She's dead
00:46:02And she's with all these other women
00:46:05Oh my, we're talking about a serial killer
00:46:07None of them are dead
00:46:09Dead girls
00:46:11Adding in
00:46:13Got it
00:46:14Well, here's what I'm gonna do
00:46:15Go down there
00:46:16Shine my blacklight
00:46:18Hopefully find enough semen
00:46:20To crack this case wide open
00:46:22You can't just walk in there
00:46:24You look like a detective
00:46:26Oh yeah?
00:46:27What's that supposed to mean?
00:46:29You'll need a disguise
00:46:30Something to blend in with these women
00:46:34Lady, I'm a detective
00:46:36All I wear is a badge
00:46:38In an alcohol-soaked jacket
00:46:40That screams my son died in a car wreck
00:46:43I think I might have something
00:46:51I just came home
00:46:55All night, Olivia typed
00:46:57Tangled up in her sheets
00:46:58With a focus on the broads
00:47:00For her new smear piece
00:47:01They were ugly
00:47:02With no sense of style
00:47:04Did I mention they were really ugly?
00:47:08Damn, I hate how good this is
00:47:13Knock, knock
00:47:17Room service
00:47:17Did somebody order up
00:47:19The best friend special?
00:47:20Oh, girls, I'm not really dressed
00:47:22We wanted to find you
00:47:24Before the winter feast today
00:47:25And give you a little gift
00:47:26For all the ways
00:47:27You've been helping us
00:47:29It's an ornament
00:47:31You know a symbol
00:47:32Of our friendship
00:47:33You know how we would never
00:47:35Betray or lie to each other
00:47:36And the glass represents
00:47:38How transparent we've all
00:47:39Been with each other
00:47:40And it's broken
00:47:41To represent how
00:47:41If one of us
00:47:42Stabs the rest of us
00:47:43In the back
00:47:43It would just break our hearts
00:47:45Into a million little pieces
00:47:46Woohoo
00:47:47Just get out
00:47:48What?
00:47:50In that moment
00:47:51Olivia's blood ran cold
00:47:53Did they find out her secret?
00:47:55Only the
00:47:56Okay, now who is that?
00:47:59Hello, Michelle
00:48:00Charo
00:48:01What would you say?
00:48:02You can't believe me
00:48:03Look, we are in the same neighborhood
00:48:04Uh, Charo
00:48:06We don't live in the same neighborhood
00:48:08I am in a cabin
00:48:09In the middle of the goddamn mountains
00:48:11Look, Michelle
00:48:12The truth is that
00:48:13I would like to sing your song
00:48:15In your show
00:48:15Please, please, please
00:48:16Much, much, much
00:48:17Please
00:48:18Do you want to sing me a song?
00:48:19Claro
00:48:20Goody, goody, goody
00:48:22You know what I want?
00:48:23I want people to call
00:48:24Before they come and visit me
00:48:26But that's not going to happen, is it?
00:48:28No, surprise
00:48:28So, siéntate
00:48:29Sit next to Kim Petras
00:48:31And I'd like to wrap up this story, okay?
00:48:33Okay
00:48:33Okay
00:48:34It's getting pretty good
00:48:35Yeah
00:48:38Okay, now
00:48:39Where were we?
00:48:42Right
00:48:43Did you really think you could fool us?
00:48:47Oh, my God
00:48:48How did you find out?
00:48:50What?
00:48:51That we disturbed Maggie-zine
00:48:52Flicking the old Maggie-beam?
00:48:54Come on
00:48:55Look at her
00:48:56You got it
00:48:57You got me
00:48:58Come on, girls
00:48:59Let her rip up a bowl of cleat chili in peace
00:49:03And now you know why
00:49:04That mattress is so wet
00:49:07Circular motions, aren't they?
00:49:08Do you need a hand?
00:49:09Because I watched some videos
00:49:16What were we even laughing about?
00:49:19I literally can never remember
00:49:23Here, I got you something
00:49:24Oh, good
00:49:25Another present
00:49:27Oh, oh
00:49:28Hey, God
00:49:29It's just some old newspaper
00:49:30Uh, no
00:49:31I just wrapped it in that
00:49:32It's actually an ornament
00:49:33That represents our relationship
00:49:35Oh
00:49:37I'll open it later
00:49:40Hey, what is this article?
00:49:42I don't know
00:49:43I found it in the mayor's office
00:49:45That's only dirty
00:49:53Um, the mayor's sister
00:49:55Mary Ann
00:49:58I thought their name was Kunt
00:49:59Not your Kunt
00:50:00It was
00:50:01The mayor changed it for the campaign
00:50:03Easier to say
00:50:04It's funny how some people think
00:50:06They could get ahead
00:50:06Just by changing their whole identity
00:50:09Yeah
00:50:12Russ, there's something I have to tell you
00:50:14Russ, there's something I have to tell you
00:50:18You don't even need to say it
00:50:20I'm falling in love with you too
00:50:24Oh
00:50:26And I know
00:50:27I know
00:50:27It feels wrong to say
00:50:29In front of my dead wife
00:50:35But these last three days
00:50:37Have opened my eyes
00:50:38To what love looks like
00:50:39Real love
00:50:41Not dead wife's love
00:50:43Oh, Russ
00:50:45I'm not who I say I am
00:50:49What was that?
00:50:51Oh, um
00:50:52I was just saying
00:50:53That I'm not Maggie
00:50:56What were you saying?
00:50:57I've been lying to you
00:51:00I'm an undercover reporter
00:51:04My name's Olivia St. LaPelle
00:51:07This isn't even my real hair
00:51:16I have no idea what you just said
00:51:18All I know is that I love you
00:51:20Maggie scene
00:51:22I love you too
00:51:25I love you
00:51:26I love you
00:51:28I love you
00:51:28I love you
00:51:29I love you
00:51:40Uh, hi
00:51:42I would like a room, please
00:51:45Um, if possible
00:51:46Next to Maggie's scene
00:51:49This broad-nosed Maggie?
00:51:51You look a little funny to me
00:51:54I do?
00:51:56Yes
00:51:56You're a suspiciously tall woman
00:52:00Who did you say you are again?
00:52:03Oh, I'm
00:52:04Um
00:52:07In
00:52:09Vest
00:52:13Teagator
00:52:15An investigator?
00:52:17Oh, shit
00:52:18Oh, like you invest in reptiles
00:52:23Why didn't you say so in the first place, girl?
00:52:26Fantastic
00:52:44Definitely
00:52:47A lot of semen
00:52:50Naughty business, huh?
00:52:55Hell, well, well
00:52:57Olivia St. LaPelle
00:53:00That's not your name
00:53:03Busted
00:53:12Delia?
00:53:13Yeah
00:53:14I think I got something
00:53:17Now, the Christmas feast
00:53:19Is one of the most nerve-wracking challenges
00:53:21In the winter ball
00:53:22And Mayor Kunt never says what she's thinking
00:53:24But there are a few telltale signs
00:53:26If she raises an eyebrow
00:53:28She likes it
00:53:33Yep
00:53:34She likes it
00:53:35And if she purses her lips
00:53:36Ooh
00:53:37It's awful
00:53:44And if she scratches her head
00:53:46It's because she has eczema
00:53:49Careful, honey, Teddy
00:54:02I'll take seconds
00:54:04Oh, what?
00:54:08For the first time in winter ball history
00:54:10The mayor is getting seconds
00:54:12Yay
00:54:13I love this part
00:54:17Well, what's a Christmas feast
00:54:19Without a little toast
00:54:20To the downtown broads
00:54:25Oh, let's not forget
00:54:26Their incomparable leader
00:54:27Maggie Zine
00:54:28Let's hear it for Maggie Zine, y'all
00:54:33Or should I say
00:54:35Olivia St. LaPelle
00:54:38Olivia St. La who?
00:54:41Your little leader
00:54:42Is actually an undercover journalist
00:54:43What?
00:54:45A journalist
00:54:46Yeah, she makes journals
00:54:48Yeah
00:54:49No
00:54:50She's a reporter
00:54:51Writing an expose on Tuckahoe
00:54:58It's fitting that I, Olivia
00:55:00Not Maggie
00:55:01Pretended to lead them to victory
00:55:04After all, I can't imagine
00:55:06A more fitting street
00:55:07To exemplify Tuckahoe
00:55:08A back alley cesspool
00:55:10Of fugly-ass skanks
00:55:11With no discernible talent
00:55:13And, oh yeah
00:55:14They also smelled like shit
00:55:18Damn, that's good
00:55:19It was
00:55:20I think
00:55:21Maggie
00:55:23Is this true?
00:55:24Russ, this is what
00:55:25I was trying to tell you earlier
00:55:26And now you're gaslighting me?
00:55:29Are you even from the Gobi Desert?
00:55:34If these allegations are true
00:55:37The downtown broads will be immediately eliminated from this fall
00:55:43Well
00:55:47They're true
00:55:52They're all true
00:55:54That was a wig?
00:55:56Maggie Z
00:55:58Your team is disqualified
00:56:03Girls, girls, I'm so sorry
00:56:05It was
00:56:05No
00:56:07You don't come near us
00:56:09You were never abroad
00:56:11You're just a bitch
00:56:15Move
00:56:17Wow
00:56:17I guess print journalism really is dead
00:56:31Oh, hi
00:56:33I'm here to open an account
00:56:35Mind if I light up?
00:56:42Oh, and, uh, by the way
00:56:44This isn't a deposit
00:56:46It's a withdrawal
00:56:558-0-0-8-5-pound interview
00:56:59Oh, and, uh, by the way
00:57:30Oh, hello, gorgeous
00:57:33If the crown fits
00:57:36Take it
00:57:42As Hannah hatched her plan
00:57:44And snatched the crown
00:57:45Olivia packed her bags
00:57:47And said goodbye
00:57:48To that little town
00:57:55Getting on?
00:58:09Well, you're not a regular bus driver, are you?
00:58:11Of course not, huh?
00:58:13I'm a spirit of Christmas
00:58:14So, are you gonna take me to scenes for my past
00:58:17And hopefully change my perspective about Christmas?
00:58:20You're about to see all the moments that made you who you are, Madeline
00:58:25Madeline?
00:58:26Who's Madeline?
00:58:28You're not Madeline?
00:58:29No, I'm Olivia
00:58:32Shit!
00:58:33Why I was supposed to be Madeline's spirit guide tonight?
00:58:36Why the fuck is she?
00:58:38I-I don't-I don't know
00:58:39I'm-I'm sorry I can't help you
00:58:42Well
00:58:44You look like you're going through something
00:58:46Maybe we can work out your stuff instead
00:58:48Okay, yeah, sure
00:58:49Hang on, baby
00:58:56Wow
00:58:57Where are we?
00:58:59Girl, I don't know
00:59:00This is your past
00:59:06Olivia!
00:59:07You dropped one more call
00:59:08And you're back out on the street where I found you
00:59:11Yes
00:59:12Hannah
00:59:13Now I'm off for my third lunch, baby
00:59:15Those articles better be proofreaded on my desk by the end of the day
00:59:18But, isn't it Christmas?
00:59:22Christmas?
00:59:23Who cares about Christmas?
00:59:25The one thing that's going to make you happy in this bankrupt world is a promotion
00:59:28Remember that
00:59:41Hey there, girly
00:59:44What are you doing?
00:59:45Working
00:59:46Like always
00:59:49Why don't you take a break?
00:59:50You know, go outside
00:59:51Make some friends
00:59:54Stop it
00:59:55Stop
00:59:56Stop working
00:59:57No
00:59:59Stop it
01:00:00Don't
01:00:01Just-just look at me
01:00:03Hey
01:00:04It's almost as if you always threw yourself in the work
01:00:06Because that's where you derived all your worth
01:00:09Come on
01:00:10But how is he supposed to know any better?
01:00:12My parents abandoned me on a goddamn stoop
01:00:15Is it because you didn't have parents who accepted you that you grew up thinking that you weren't worthy of
01:00:19love?
01:00:22Damn, you're good at this
01:00:23That's why they pay me the big bucks
01:00:26Speaking of
01:00:27Mm-hmm
01:00:28Oh, yeah
01:00:29Mm-hmm
01:00:29So traveling to the past
01:00:31Uh-huh
01:00:32Speaking to your younger self
01:00:34Uh-huh
01:00:35And resolving some childhood trauma
01:00:39Okay
01:00:40Comes out to
01:00:41I guess therapy isn't free anywhere, right?
01:00:48We'll just be debit or credit
01:00:49Uh, debit
01:00:50Oh, God
01:00:51No, lady, boss
01:00:52No
01:00:53Yo, lady
01:00:58One way to New York
01:00:59Are you coming or not?
01:01:01Oh
01:01:02Oh, I've seen this look before
01:01:08Don't tell me how you got some unfinished business to-
01:01:11I've got some unfinished business to take care of
01:01:16Excuse me
01:01:18Is this the spirit of Christmas?
01:01:21The fuck now?
01:01:23Who are you?
01:01:25I'm
01:01:27Madeline
01:01:29Take me to the future
01:01:38All right
01:01:39Say your goodbyes, ladies
01:01:42Goodbyes, ladies
01:01:45Wait
01:01:46Wait
01:01:48Don't
01:01:49Don't what?
01:01:50I don't know
01:01:51I haven't thought past that part
01:01:52What are you doing here?
01:01:54Come to stab us in the back again?
01:01:57Look
01:01:57I came back
01:01:58Because I think we can still save the inn
01:02:01What if I told you
01:02:02There is a loophole
01:02:04Look, it says here
01:02:05On page 46, article A7
01:02:07Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
01:02:09You mean to tell us that you found this book
01:02:12Right before the last challenge?
01:02:14Yeah
01:02:18Okay, no, no
01:02:20It says any team competing in the Winter Ball can only be disqualified on the name of its leader
01:02:25Which means, yes, the broads were disqualified under Maggie Zine
01:02:29But we can still compete under Olivia St. LaPelle
01:02:33Oh, right
01:02:34Your real name
01:02:38You know what?
01:02:42Why is she always climbing up on everything?
01:02:45I'm sorry I lied to you
01:02:47But I didn't have any friends growing up
01:02:49I didn't even have any family
01:02:52But what I realized over this last week
01:02:54Is that I found both
01:02:55And I am not going to let
01:02:57A Pulitzer Prize-worthy expose
01:03:00Get in the way of that
01:03:02Because families
01:03:04Honey
01:03:05We stick together
01:03:06Just like the boards holding up this inn
01:03:16What kind of purgatory shit?
01:03:23All I can say is
01:03:25And I choose you ladies
01:03:28And all I'm asking is that you choose me too
01:03:35I understand
01:03:38Hey Olivia
01:03:42We can't compete with just four
01:03:45Come on
01:03:46Really?
01:03:47Yeah
01:03:47I missed you
01:03:55We are on to the final performance of our Christmas pageant
01:03:58And it's all been leading up to this
01:04:00Kittenheel Court performing a heartfelt interpretive dance piece
01:04:04The snow is white
01:04:05And so am I
01:04:40And that's it folks
01:04:45Well it appears the broads are back
01:04:47This ain't Christmas anymore bitch
01:04:50It's cis-mas
01:04:53Every Christmas
01:04:54Every Christmas
01:04:55Look into the book
01:04:56Sad and all alone
01:04:58That's until I found a home
01:05:00Each December
01:05:02Fighting wild dogs
01:05:04A little like tax fraud
01:05:06That's until I found my fraud
01:05:08Christmas ain't about
01:05:10Sitting on the couch
01:05:12It's a girl's night
01:05:15You can't kill the snowman
01:05:17You can't kill the snowman
01:05:17All on your own
01:05:18You really can't slay without his ho ho ho's
01:05:22You can't start a fire without raising hell
01:05:26You can't spell Christmas without G-I-R-L
01:05:34Now each season
01:05:35Crashing all the fun
01:05:37Like a hit and run
01:05:39Literally I did a hit and run to her
01:05:41Meow meow meow
01:05:42Kitty under your tree
01:05:43Your finger on my stocking
01:05:44My hand on your deed
01:05:45You cross my girls
01:05:46You'll catch a feast
01:05:47Five buttons on top of the nutty at least
01:05:49Christmas ain't about
01:05:50Sitting on the couch
01:05:52It's a girl's night
01:05:55You can't kill the snowman
01:05:58All on your own
01:05:59Your Santa can't slay without his ho ho ho's
01:06:03You can't start a fire without raising hell
01:06:07You can't spell Christmas without G-I-R-L
01:06:11They say I have no personality
01:06:14Well, I found a mole on my thigh today
01:06:17Now I'm gonna make it my thing
01:06:21Watch out, world, it's for the show
01:06:24You can't kill the snowman
01:06:25All on your own
01:06:27You can't kill the snowman
01:06:28Slay without his ho ho ho's
01:06:31You can't start a fire without raising hell
01:06:34You can't spell Christmas without
01:06:37Can't spell Christmas without
01:06:39You can't spell Christmas without
01:06:40G-I-R-L
01:06:49That was incredible, Preston
01:06:51Have you ever seen anything so surprising?
01:06:54Well, not since I found some guy's hair
01:06:57On my wife's pillow this morning
01:07:00Look over there
01:07:01The mayor is ready to make her decision
01:07:03This was an incredibly tough decision
01:07:08I thought long and hard
01:07:12The winner of this year's winter ball is
01:07:16The crown, it's gone
01:07:18Someone's stolen
01:07:24It's her, she must have stolen it
01:07:26We all read her expose
01:07:27She's obsessed with the crown
01:07:34It wasn't me, I swear
01:07:36Well, if you didn't steal it
01:07:37Then who did?
01:07:40But it's just a silly little crown
01:07:41And not selling the plan
01:07:43Your entire year slash life around
01:07:44The ultimate winter accessory
01:07:47That will have the world
01:07:49Reading this expose
01:07:51She used to write for the local paper
01:07:53But nobody ever read her articles
01:08:03It was her
01:08:04Hannah Contour
01:08:08Also known
01:08:09As Mary Ann
01:08:11Yurkunt
01:08:13Take a picture
01:08:15It'll last longer
01:08:17My sister?
01:08:19That's right
01:08:20I should have known it
01:08:21When I saw her name in the paper
01:08:22Yurkunt
01:08:24It's anagram for contour
01:08:26Oh!
01:08:27So
01:08:28You finally figured it out
01:08:31Bravo
01:08:35Aren't you the smart one?
01:08:40I knew only you could sniff out the crown
01:08:45And
01:08:46When I learned you
01:08:48Found out the code
01:08:49For the vault
01:08:50After spying on
01:08:52Mayor Kunt
01:08:53And Bertram's affair
01:08:55And Bertram's affair
01:08:56Oh!
01:08:57Oh!
01:08:57Bertram?
01:08:57An affair?
01:08:59I knew what I had to do
01:09:05There's still one thing
01:09:07There's still one thing
01:09:07That I haven't figured out
01:09:08Why?
01:09:10I needed to sell the crown
01:09:12So I could save Gorge
01:09:14Save it?
01:09:15The magazine
01:09:16The magazine's been failing for years
01:09:18And years
01:09:21Print journalism is dead
01:09:23Everything's on fire
01:09:24It's gone the way of the dinosaur
01:09:26Oh, okay
01:09:27I mean, magazines are dead
01:09:30That's why I had to steal the crown
01:09:33Pretty
01:09:34What?
01:09:35Mary Ann?
01:09:36I thought you disappeared
01:09:37Mary Ann?
01:09:40Child, please
01:09:41Mary Ann is long gone, okay?
01:09:46She left the day you humiliated me
01:09:49Remember when you made me accept this crown for our street?
01:09:53Remember that?
01:09:54And when I lifted it onto my head
01:09:57And my belly bursted out of my gorgeous corset
01:10:00Because I was nine months pregnant
01:10:02You remember that?
01:10:05You humiliated me
01:10:07Russ, apprehend that woman
01:10:09Get my crown
01:10:10Oh, no, you better don't
01:10:11You better back up
01:10:13I said you better back up
01:10:15Because I got me an appointment
01:10:18I got an appointment with a she
01:10:20Who has a pension for what?
01:10:22Headwear
01:10:24Headwear
01:10:25He has a pension for headwear
01:10:28And I'm not gonna miss this meeting
01:10:30Uh-uh
01:10:31So, Russ
01:10:31You better back up
01:10:33Because that right there
01:10:38Honey, that's my ride
01:10:40Yoo-hoo
01:10:44Frank's got a cracker
01:10:46She's going up the Christmas tree
01:10:47Olivia, do something
01:10:48Is she going to jump from there?
01:10:58Come with me, Olivia
01:10:59I can give you that promotion
01:11:02You've always dreamed of
01:11:04You mean
01:11:05Executive Fashion Lady Boss and Chief?
01:11:08Better
01:11:08Chief
01:11:09Executive Fashion Lady Boss and Chief
01:11:14We have to save Gorge, Olivia
01:11:17You and me
01:11:18We're the same
01:11:19We're
01:11:20We're nobodies without our careers
01:11:22I am nothing like you
01:11:25Are you so sure about that?
01:11:27Aren't you curious about my pregnancy all those years ago?
01:11:31Who I was pregnant with?
01:11:34Your parents never abandoned you on that stoop, Olivia
01:11:37It was a lie
01:11:39What?
01:11:41No
01:11:42No, that can't be
01:11:43I gave birth to you on the steps of court
01:11:48I knew if the magazine found out I was a mother, I'd never get as far
01:11:52So I did what I had to do for our family
01:11:57Our family?
01:12:01You were never my mother
01:12:06Bitch, I've always been your mother
01:12:13Well, a mother would not make her daughter her assistant
01:12:19You cheated on me with her
01:12:21Girl, don't you hit them
01:12:23You got my sister pregnant
01:12:25Your grandma's your father's dad
01:12:27And I'm taking the kids
01:12:29You fucked my wife, didn't you?
01:12:32Only because you fucked mine
01:12:33I hate myself
01:12:35I hate myself
01:12:36Snap out of it
01:12:41Give me that crown
01:12:43Give it to me
01:12:44It doesn't matter if you're my mother
01:12:46Because I found my real family
01:12:48And they're right down there
01:13:00It's saved
01:13:01The crown is saved
01:13:07You dumb bitch
01:13:09We could have had it all
01:13:12But you had to throw it away
01:13:14You had to throw it away
01:13:16Well, looks like that promotion is going to Tristan after all
01:13:21Let her go
01:13:24Goodbye, Olivia
01:13:31Oh, you saved it
01:13:33Stop it
01:13:38What?
01:13:39Do you broads really think your little loophole would work?
01:13:41Did you forget you missed like 98% of this pageant?
01:13:45We were here
01:13:46I didn't understand
01:13:46That is true
01:13:49Oh, Hidden Hill Court wins the Winter Ball
01:13:56Oh, no, no
01:13:59As Winter Queen
01:14:00My first order of business is destroying your little inn
01:14:04Bulldozers!
01:14:07That's it, girls
01:14:09Now we'll never have enough money to pay the loan
01:14:17After saving the crown
01:14:18It's the least we can do
01:14:21That's for us?
01:14:28Oh, that's a good girl
01:14:29Keep going
01:14:32Oh, I have to take my pop off
01:14:35Oh, it's real
01:14:36Oh, no, keep the tap on
01:14:38You want to keep going
01:14:39Oh, happy
01:14:41Oh, happy
01:14:43This was so much of a thing
01:14:44Thank you
01:14:48So, I think this should cover it
01:14:54Girls, we did it
01:14:55We saved the inn
01:14:58My cardigan outlet
01:15:00This isn't over
01:15:01Girls, we're leaving
01:15:03Oh, no, Delia
01:15:04Girls
01:15:07Hey, Delia
01:15:08I got a little joke for you
01:15:09We voted
01:15:11And you are no longer the leader of the Kitten Hill Court
01:15:15And here is the punchline
01:15:22Bertram?
01:15:27You know, that looks great on you
01:15:29Very nice
01:15:32Your customer's request
01:15:34Oblisten
01:15:36Olivia, what is all this?
01:15:39I've never really done this Christmas thing before
01:15:41So I hope you like it
01:15:43Shall we open them together?
01:15:45Yeah
01:15:47Oh, man
01:15:50Today, we're all queens
01:15:53Thank you
01:15:54No, no, no
01:15:56Thank you
01:15:57The crown
01:15:58Who can ask me?
01:16:00I need the other one
01:16:00Yeah
01:16:01Oh, you look like Vienna
01:16:03Oh, thank you, Daddy DeVito
01:16:05That's very kind
01:16:05Mayor Kunt
01:16:07You're Kunt
01:16:09I decided to embrace who I truly am
01:16:12After confronting so much of my past yesterday
01:16:15Thank you, Olivia
01:16:16For saving my town
01:16:19And one more thing
01:16:25I came back last night
01:16:27After getting into a horrific helicopter crash
01:16:29Turns out the Tuckahoe curse is very real
01:16:33Me and my sister got to talking
01:16:36And spent the whole night remembering
01:16:39What it was like to be a family again
01:16:42And I thought about what you said to me in that tree
01:16:45And I realized that you always admired me
01:16:49Turns out the appreciation
01:16:51I was searching for all those years
01:16:53Was right outside my office door
01:16:56And look, I may not be good at it
01:16:59And I have a lot of time to make up for
01:17:02But I kind of, sort of, maybe
01:17:07Maybe ready to be a mom
01:17:10If you have me, of course
01:17:14Call me mother?
01:17:17I don't know
01:17:18I think that's going to take a long time
01:17:22I understand
01:17:26But today
01:17:28We're all family
01:17:29Yes, yes, yes
01:17:31Oh, come on, sis
01:17:34Come on, sis
01:17:39Olivia
01:17:40You were right
01:17:42And what we have is real
01:17:44Even if you are Maggie
01:17:46Or Olivia
01:17:46Or Olaggy
01:17:48Or Magivia
01:17:49Or Tina
01:17:49Or Stephanie
01:17:51Oh, Russ
01:17:52What I'm trying to say is
01:17:57You marry me?
01:18:00Russ
01:18:02Haven't we only known each other for, like, four days?
01:18:06Yeah, you're right
01:18:08What am I doing?
01:18:09I don't know
01:18:10Can you imagine if you said yes?
01:18:12Oh, my God
01:18:12You're so crazy
01:18:13Get on in here
01:18:14Take your shirt off
01:18:15Okay
01:18:16Oh, I know
01:18:17Hello, Russ
01:18:19On that morning
01:18:20Olivia saw it
01:18:22All the rainbow hues
01:18:23A kaleidoscope of family
01:18:25The family you choose
01:18:27And what is Christmas
01:18:29If not a silly little stunt
01:18:31For family to come together
01:18:34And absolutely serve
01:18:36Coot
01:18:38Now, let the music play
01:18:42Christmas ain't about
01:18:44Sitting on the couch
01:18:46It's a girl's night
01:18:47You can't feel the snowman
01:18:51All on your own
01:18:52You can't start a fire
01:18:58Without rain to hell
01:19:00We can't start a fire
01:19:01Christmas
01:19:02We call
01:19:02G.I.R.M.A.
01:19:05Yeah
01:19:07Christmas
01:19:08Christmas
01:19:09Christmas
01:19:09Christmas
01:19:09Christmas
01:19:10Christmas
01:19:10Christmas