- 1 week ago
Good Omens S03E01
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:14I can't believe it's over.
00:00:16An over and a glorious victory, Aziraphale.
00:00:20Quite outstanding.
00:00:21Yes, I suppose so.
00:00:23At a cost, of course.
00:00:25How many did we lose in the last offensive?
00:00:27About a hundred, I'm afraid.
00:00:28They took us by surprise.
00:00:30The whole thing was ghastly.
00:00:32Aziraphale was inspiring and a remarkable strategist.
00:00:37Just doing my job.
00:00:39The battle fought here.
00:00:40The center of all creation.
00:00:43Turned the tide.
00:00:45They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame.
00:00:47And they lost!
00:00:50Better tell the troops the good news, eh?
00:01:15Will you shout out or do anything to attract attention, you will be a dead angel.
00:01:19Do you understand?
00:01:20Give me the sword.
00:01:25So you didn't actually have a weapon, then, when you were threatening me?
00:01:28No.
00:01:28Lost it in the last battle.
00:01:31Hello.
00:01:32I'm, uh...
00:01:32General Aziraphale, I know who you are.
00:01:34I saw you on the battlefield.
00:01:36I have a lot of questions.
00:01:38And nobody ever has the answers.
00:01:52It may hurt, but it'll help to staunch the wound a little.
00:01:57You know, I've spent the war smiting rebel angels.
00:02:01I've never done this before.
00:02:05Should I say thank you?
00:02:08Better not.
00:02:24Thank you for the bandage.
00:02:27Probably best if you don't, uh...
00:02:29Don't tell anyone how you got it.
00:02:36Good luck.
00:02:55And well done, everyone, on Plan Second Coming.
00:03:01And in addition, I'd like to congratulate Michael and the team on solving the logistics of materializing a full-size
00:03:09plane carrying a human passenger in mid-flight.
00:03:16I'm glad to see you're all as excited as I am.
00:03:19Any updates?
00:03:20Ah, yes.
00:03:21Muriel.
00:03:23You wanted me to tell you when he was awake and incarnate.
00:03:26And well, he is both.
00:03:29Wonderful.
00:03:30And how did he take it?
00:03:31Oh, pretty well.
00:03:33He's a bit...
00:03:34Whoa.
00:03:35I've got a body.
00:03:36What's this about, then?
00:03:37And I'm all...
00:03:38Not really my job.
00:03:39And he's all...
00:03:40I have absolutely no idea what's happening.
00:03:42And I'm all...
00:03:43Everything is set.
00:03:44We have the quite long...
00:03:47Checklist you gave us, Aziraphale.
00:03:50Nothing will go wrong.
00:03:51Well, the car will meet the plane on the tarmac.
00:03:54The archangel Sandalfon, good fellow, will drive the risen Christ directly to the United Nations, where Uriel and Michael will
00:04:02meet him.
00:04:04Perhaps with a cup of tea.
00:04:05Then Jesus will make his speech to all the nations of the world, in all the tongues of the world,
00:04:11and then joy unbounded, peace on earth, and all that good stuff.
00:04:16Peace on earth?
00:04:17Right.
00:04:18Any questions?
00:04:19No good.
00:04:19Right, let's kick off the second coming.
00:04:26Oh, hello.
00:04:28Um, so I'm pretty sure I am Joshua, uh, son of Joseph.
00:04:34Now, my memory's a bit funny, but, um, the last thing I remember, I was being crucified.
00:04:39You transcended the flesh.
00:04:40But now you're back.
00:04:42New flesh.
00:04:42And we're sending you back to earth to bring about universal happiness.
00:04:47Are you sure you've got the right person?
00:04:49Oh, absolutely certain.
00:04:51You've spent the last couple thousand years as part of the Triune Godhead.
00:04:55But now you've got a mortal body again, so you can talk to humanity, you know.
00:05:00Mortal to mortal.
00:05:01And tell them it's the end times.
00:05:03Well, not quite.
00:05:05Not quite.
00:05:08No, that whole epoch, um, it's a bit old-fashioned.
00:05:12You know, times have changed.
00:05:13And I was thinking we might try something a little more upbeat.
00:05:16Oh, look out.
00:05:17Here comes universal happiness.
00:05:19No.
00:05:20End times.
00:05:21Or not.
00:05:23Happiness.
00:05:23Universal.
00:05:25Joy unbounded.
00:05:26Et cetera.
00:05:27Has this been signed off?
00:05:28Yes, by me.
00:05:29I'm in charge.
00:05:30For now.
00:05:31Sorry?
00:05:31Nothing.
00:05:32Where are the scars?
00:05:34I had good carpenter's hands.
00:05:35Whole new miraculous physical body.
00:05:38You've got to have a body.
00:05:39Otherwise they're all, who said that?
00:05:41You just need to give a speech.
00:05:43Aziraphale has prepared it for you.
00:05:45You will be on every television, every phone, and each person on earth will hear you talking
00:05:51to them in their own language.
00:05:53Miracle.
00:05:54I'm sure it'll be very motivational.
00:05:57I think we need to revisit the end times.
00:05:59No, we don't.
00:06:00And all the smiting we have to do.
00:06:02I won't really be following any of this.
00:06:04Um, are any of my friends here?
00:06:06Uh, uh, Simon or Thomas?
00:06:09I'd quite like to talk to them.
00:06:10It's, it's been a long time.
00:06:12My, my mum?
00:06:13Thousands of years.
00:06:15All the humans who once knew are, um, dead.
00:06:21Really?
00:06:23Well, what about the angel who visited to give me strength the night before all the, um,
00:06:31the nailing business?
00:06:32Um, Gabriel, I think he said.
00:06:33Oh, did he?
00:06:34Yes, he wasn't a lot of help, to be honest.
00:06:36I mean, he mainly spoke about himself, but.
00:06:38Also, um, not in the picture any longer.
00:06:41Well, there must be.
00:06:42Wait, the redhead one.
00:06:43With the, um, with the funny eyes.
00:06:45Oh.
00:06:47He showed me all the cities of the world.
00:06:49Oh, he was one of your lot, too, wasn't he?
00:06:51Um, not human?
00:06:53Yeah, oh, is he still around?
00:06:54Not up here or in hell.
00:06:56He's down on Earth these days.
00:06:58Not really our kind of person.
00:07:00Oh, wait, no, but he seemed nice.
00:07:01He has, uh, qualities.
00:07:04Okay, well, I mean, if I've got to go to Earth anyway.
00:07:06That won't be appropriate, I'm afraid.
00:07:07Uh, Sandalfon here will be looking after you.
00:07:10Find her.
00:07:18Wait, Mrs. Sandwich.
00:07:20I'm not giving you anything, Crowley.
00:07:21Oh, come on, Mrs. Sandwich.
00:07:23Come on, 150 quid.
00:07:25Tonight, I will finally get it back.
00:07:26Ryan won't give up anything he won fair and square, love.
00:07:29This time will be different.
00:07:32Thank you very much.
00:07:34Oh.
00:07:35Fretty Wood.
00:07:37I'll be back.
00:07:41We have a winner, Mr. Crowley.
00:07:42It's just numbers nods.
00:07:44When you've designed star systems, blackjack's a dollar.
00:07:48Huh?
00:07:48Another win?
00:07:49Boom!
00:07:53Come, Daddy.
00:07:59Oh, hello, Misty.
00:08:01Oh, it's not fun being filmed on your own.
00:08:04Come on.
00:08:05Tell us a funny story about gorillas.
00:08:08Dolphins.
00:08:09Come on.
00:08:10How much have I won today?
00:08:12About a hundred grand.
00:08:15A hundred thousand smackaronis!
00:08:18That's got to be enough to get Ryan out of the back room!
00:08:21You know it never ends well.
00:08:23Take it from me, son.
00:08:25Take the win.
00:08:27Ah!
00:08:28Holy!
00:08:28Here's the big big sea!
00:08:31A hundred thousand quid.
00:08:32Come on.
00:08:33That's more than it's ever worth.
00:08:34I want it.
00:08:35Cars mine.
00:08:37I'll toss you for it.
00:08:38Double nothing.
00:08:39You heard what you said.
00:08:41Customers always write.
00:08:42I'd sleep on to.
00:08:43Uh, mates.
00:08:44Come here, son.
00:08:44Yeah.
00:08:45Where's this?
00:08:46Right, now.
00:08:48You find the lady,
00:08:49and the penalty's yours.
00:09:14I've lost worse things than that.
00:09:19You're a loser, Crowley.
00:09:21You only become here to lose.
00:09:23You could have walked out here a very rich man.
00:09:29You're a muck.
00:09:44Were you good?
00:09:49What do you think of the speech?
00:09:52I think it's a bit on the nose.
00:09:55I, um...
00:09:56I like telling stories.
00:09:59Uh, parables, if you will.
00:10:01Which, um, which draw people in...
00:10:03Aziraphale wrote it.
00:10:04It's been market-tested.
00:10:06On him.
00:10:10Metatron level.
00:10:15What?
00:10:17What are you doing there?
00:10:19You know you are not allowed up here!
00:10:22And what are you doing with that?
00:10:25Give it to me!
00:10:26I...
00:10:27am the only entity authorized
00:10:32to...
00:10:33I...
00:10:43Stay here.
00:10:50Somebody sounded the alarm.
00:10:52That would have been me.
00:10:53Something's wrong.
00:10:55The Metatrons have vanished.
00:10:57Vanished?
00:10:58Could you have gone for a walk?
00:11:00He's not in the universe.
00:11:01That's ridiculous.
00:11:02I mean, the only way the Metatron
00:11:05would be gone from the universe
00:11:06is if there wasn't a Metatron any longer.
00:11:09If he was dead, you mean?
00:11:10Of course the Metatron's not dead.
00:11:14Sandalphon?
00:11:16Where's Jesus?
00:11:24Earth.
00:11:50Oh, hello.
00:11:51Excuse me.
00:11:53I'm out of cash, mate.
00:11:53Sorry.
00:11:54No, no.
00:11:55Something smells good.
00:11:57I haven't eaten in a long time.
00:12:00Here.
00:12:02Toasted cheese, Sarnie.
00:12:03You need it more than I do.
00:12:06Mmm.
00:12:09This is really kind of you.
00:12:11You know,
00:12:12there was a man who had three sons.
00:12:13Sorry, mate.
00:12:14Food I can do.
00:12:15Well, I'm not ready after stories.
00:12:18Oh, actually,
00:12:20I'm looking for, um...
00:12:22He has, um...
00:12:23He has red hair
00:12:24and yellow eyes.
00:12:26He knows a lot of things.
00:12:27I think he's an angel?
00:12:30Don't know.
00:12:37Excuse me.
00:12:40Excuse me.
00:12:40I'm sorry to wake you.
00:12:42I'm not asleep.
00:12:43I'm not cold.
00:12:44Oh.
00:12:45Would you like some of my cheese, Sarnie?
00:12:47Oh, leave me alone.
00:12:50Heart broken.
00:12:51The world broken.
00:12:53It's the point of everything.
00:12:54I wanted to ask you.
00:12:56You showed me all those cities.
00:12:58What should I do now?
00:12:59The thing is.
00:13:00The thing is.
00:13:02The thing is, isn't it?
00:13:03What was I saying?
00:13:04You were saying the thing is?
00:13:05That thing has a three cars, isn't it?
00:13:10Always find the lady.
00:13:12You learn that.
00:13:13You're set.
00:13:14Find the lady.
00:13:15Love tunnel.
00:13:15Bring the baby.
00:13:16Is it?
00:13:17Show us out.
00:13:18Show us out.
00:13:19Show us out.
00:13:20I want to live in the wrong place,
00:13:22isn't it?
00:13:24The thing with the three cars.
00:13:26Find the lady.
00:13:28And if I learn to find the lady
00:13:30with the three cars,
00:13:31that will help me understand
00:13:32my purpose here.
00:13:35You are taking up my valuable
00:13:39passing out wrong time.
00:13:41Be gone.
00:13:41All right.
00:13:42Night-night.
00:13:44Night-night.
00:13:45Night-night.
00:13:47Obviously, Jesus won't be in the
00:13:48Earth observation files.
00:13:50The Antichrist wasn't.
00:13:51But the Book of Life
00:13:52is something else entirely.
00:13:55So, where is it?
00:13:57Well, it should be
00:13:58on that lectern
00:14:00where it's been
00:14:01since the dawn of time.
00:14:03You can't just walk away.
00:14:04We need to report this.
00:14:06Well, there's not currently
00:14:07anyone to report to.
00:14:08The Metatron's done a bunk,
00:14:09remember?
00:14:09Indeed.
00:14:10No Metatron,
00:14:11as the former Archangel
00:14:12Sandalfon says.
00:14:13Former Archangel?
00:14:14Unfortunate demotion
00:14:15because of losing the Messiah.
00:14:17But you can't.
00:14:17Oh, we can't lose Jesus
00:14:18and the Book of Life
00:14:19at the same time.
00:14:20Two things.
00:14:21No, we've also lost the Metatron.
00:14:23Three things.
00:14:24Oh, for...
00:14:26Oh, dear.
00:14:29Not on your plate.
00:14:31Balls being dropped.
00:14:34Look, why don't
00:14:36I try to locate
00:14:37the Book of Life
00:14:38with, um, with...
00:14:41Muriel as my
00:14:42investigating angel?
00:14:44And then I can focus
00:14:45on finding Jesus.
00:14:46Yes, yes.
00:14:47Yes, excellent plan.
00:14:51A demotion.
00:14:52He didn't mean it, did he?
00:14:53I'm afraid he did.
00:14:54Junior recording angel
00:14:56Sandalfon.
00:15:05Sober him up.
00:15:07Ha.
00:15:09Do you think he's dangerous?
00:15:11Not anymore.
00:15:13Well, somebody prod him.
00:15:15He's pretending he's asleep.
00:15:19Ha.
00:15:20I quit, Dagon.
00:15:22Didn't you get the memo?
00:15:23Oh, my God.
00:15:25Oh, my God.
00:15:26Oh, my God.
00:15:26Oh, my God.
00:15:28Oh, my God.
00:15:28Oh, my God.
00:15:29Oh, my God.
00:15:29Oh, my God.
00:15:29That's because I quit.
00:15:33I'm unquitting you,
00:15:35forthwith.
00:15:36Upstairs
00:15:37has begun
00:15:38Operation
00:15:39Second Coming.
00:15:42Oh, I see.
00:15:44Mm-hmm.
00:15:45So the end times
00:15:46have begun.
00:15:47Again.
00:15:49Oh, there you go.
00:15:50No, I don't go.
00:15:52They've lost him.
00:15:57No.
00:15:59The one who starts it all off.
00:16:01Nailed up, boy.
00:16:02Jesus.
00:16:04Jesus.
00:16:07And I'm here because...
00:16:09We need you to find him, Crowley,
00:16:11before they do.
00:16:13Right.
00:16:14You can't even say his name.
00:16:16What do you do if you do find him?
00:16:17A hostage
00:16:20with...
00:16:22Jesus.
00:16:23In our hand
00:16:25we can attack heaven
00:16:26and the war of all wars
00:16:29will reign us down.
00:16:31We'll be living upstairs
00:16:33and they'll be down here.
00:16:36You understand humans, Crowley.
00:16:40So find him.
00:16:41Help us.
00:16:42We'll help you.
00:16:44No.
00:16:46Oh, no.
00:16:48No.
00:16:50No.
00:16:51Well, you'll regret this.
00:16:55I'll add it to the lid.
00:16:59Well, get him out of here!
00:17:04Are you okay?
00:17:06Yes, of course.
00:17:08I just, um...
00:17:10Well, I need to, uh...
00:17:12sort this out.
00:17:14Now, where to start?
00:17:17Why don't you ask
00:17:19your...
00:17:20friend...
00:17:20friend...
00:17:21to help?
00:17:24I...
00:17:26Oh, no, no, no.
00:17:27No, I can't.
00:17:28That's out of the question.
00:17:30He might like to see you anyway.
00:17:33Last time I saw him
00:17:34he wasn't in the best way,
00:17:35to be honest.
00:17:37He seemed a bit...
00:17:40lost.
00:17:51END
00:17:58END
00:18:12Oh, I never thought I'd see your face here again.
00:18:16I, um, um...
00:18:19Oh, everyone's gone.
00:18:20Or been bought out.
00:18:22Not me.
00:18:24I stick it out here in Soho like a barnacle to a rock.
00:18:32I, um...
00:18:33Hello.
00:18:35Look, um, my friend, Crowley.
00:18:38Have you seen him?
00:18:40You wouldn't be looking for him unless you needed something.
00:18:43Because you're a taker, you are.
00:18:45You never cared for him.
00:18:47Or Whitworth Street.
00:18:48I, I love Whitworth Street.
00:18:50Yeah?
00:18:51Well, where were you when it got bad?
00:18:55You know, I never thought
00:18:58he'd be back to gloat.
00:19:01To gloat?
00:19:03It's down there.
00:19:04It's down there.
00:19:05I love you.
00:19:05It's down there.
00:19:21I haven't wanted you yet.
00:19:21It's down there.
00:19:21Oh, I love you.
00:19:27Ooh, I love you.
00:19:30What's so cute?
00:19:31What's so cute?
00:19:31I love you so cute.
00:19:31That's good.
00:19:34i've um please get up i'm fine down here thanks
00:19:43look i know you're upset with me yeah but i'm willing to overlook that
00:19:49because well we have a lot to discuss i have nothing to say to you
00:19:56if you're expecting me to do the i was wrong dance then i'm afraid you'll be waiting rather
00:20:00a long time we're way beyond little dances angel
00:20:06close the door in your way al
00:20:10but you don't have a door
00:20:33so
00:20:36so
00:20:57break your heart
00:21:03you were in a bookshop centuries you loved your bookshop and then you just walked away
00:21:11what happened here well you tell me
00:21:15muriel was meant to take over the place they were here for a few weeks and then closed the door
00:21:20i needed muriel i needed someone to work with me in heaven who was
00:21:25nice
00:21:26oh
00:21:27but that's not what i meant
00:21:29what i meant was what happened here
00:21:32i've been gone for years i mean the place is a bit dusty yes
00:21:38no windows broken
00:21:41nothing's been taken
00:21:42no rodent problem
00:21:45expect rats wouldn't you
00:21:47you weren't here
00:21:50i wasn't going to leave this place as well
00:21:55no
00:21:58obviously not
00:22:00no
00:22:02i suppose i should say
00:22:04thank you
00:22:06better not
00:22:07do you
00:22:08do you want an apology from me
00:22:14i was trying to do the right thing
00:22:16well you know what they say about the road to hell
00:22:19what
00:22:20need repaving
00:22:22look ready
00:22:24i've come to help you
00:22:26have you
00:22:27yes
00:22:27no you haven't this is about jesus
00:22:30you were bringing him back and now you've lost him
00:22:32how do you know that
00:22:34live in an alleyway people tell you things
00:22:36well
00:22:38yes
00:22:40there is that
00:22:41i need
00:22:43we found the antichrist together you and me
00:22:45ancient history
00:22:46jesus remembers you you know
00:22:49he was asking after you
00:22:51he seemed
00:22:53well
00:22:54very nice
00:22:56and now he's out there
00:22:58on his own
00:23:00poor thing
00:23:03i only hope they don't nail him up again
00:23:05they wouldn't do that again surely
00:23:06well they haven't changed much have they
00:23:09heaven is looking for him
00:23:10and hell will be too
00:23:12no one can find him
00:23:13crowley this is bigger than you and me
00:23:16well i can't help you
00:23:17why not
00:23:17don't have a car
00:23:18well then by all means
00:23:20get your car where is it
00:23:22you lost it
00:23:23yes
00:23:24how
00:23:26i lost it in a game of skill and chance
00:23:28i lost it in a game of skill and chance
00:23:31to whom
00:23:33brian cameron
00:23:33brian
00:23:35i've never heard of him
00:23:36sounds like an accountant
00:23:37how on earth could you lose your bentley to a man named brian cameron
00:23:41he's a gangster
00:23:43i was still sleeping in my car
00:23:49i always wanted a classic bentley
00:23:50i thought a man who owns a car like that must definitely be up for a little wager
00:23:54a little gain of skill and chance
00:23:57i'm not gonna do that this is my house
00:23:59of course i can't you know
00:24:00force you to play
00:24:01but what i could do is
00:24:04set it far to that little bookshop and burn it down to the ground
00:24:06right now
00:24:10no it's because i see you sleeping outside it and i often see you inside
00:24:14keeping a cheeky little eye
00:24:16i'll take the car
00:24:17i am a businessman so i'm not a common thief
00:24:20i'm only suggesting we have
00:24:21a little gentleman's game
00:24:23i've had enough of this
00:24:27your miracle account is no longer active
00:24:29please go away
00:24:32my legal department drew this up
00:24:34you know just have a little game
00:24:35you win
00:24:36i walk away and nothing catches fire
00:24:39you lose
00:24:40and i'll get the bentley
00:24:43i'm
00:24:44not
00:24:45a wolf
00:24:46just sign
00:24:48there
00:24:48now
00:24:49so what's the game
00:24:51it's my favorite board game
00:24:53actually
00:24:53well what you gotta do is you gotta own everything
00:24:56and you leave everyone else
00:24:58penniless, crushed
00:24:59and miserable
00:25:02sounds like a game only a human could invent
00:25:04you can be the show
00:25:42what else did you let him get away with it
00:25:46what else did you let him get away with it
00:25:48i mean a contract
00:25:49i mean a contract
00:25:49a contract
00:25:49what can i do helen cut me off
00:25:51miracle's not an option
00:25:52you were elsewhere
00:25:53yes very well then
00:25:56we shall go and get our bentley back
00:25:59my bentley
00:25:59of course
00:26:00and then
00:26:04and then you'll help me find jesus
00:26:08i'll do it
00:26:09i'll do it myself
00:26:11crony
00:26:12crony
00:26:13crony
00:26:15i'm so disappointed in you
00:26:16i'm still my car
00:26:18i like my bentley back
00:26:20yeah well i'd like to play for the arsenal but that ain't gonna happen
00:26:22neither is it mates
00:26:23i just need my car
00:26:24you need teaching a lesson is what you need
00:26:26and i am
00:26:28so gonna enjoy that
00:26:31who are you
00:26:32i'm a retired bookseller
00:26:35i've come to get my friend back
00:26:37and our car
00:26:39his car
00:26:40you're a friend of his
00:26:41no he's not
00:26:41i rather think i am
00:26:42i'm rescuing you
00:26:43and liberating our bentley
00:26:46yeah well bollocks you are
00:26:46it's my car
00:26:47i want it ferris square
00:26:48so you could just you know like goodbye
00:26:49rather excited to meet you actually
00:26:51mr brian cameron
00:26:54from what i hear
00:26:55you're the second best player of games of skill and chance in all of london
00:26:58well done
00:26:59second
00:27:00you say
00:27:01well of course
00:27:03after me
00:27:06perfect
00:27:09misty my love
00:27:10break out the board games
00:27:12i'm afraid not
00:27:13according to your very own rules as the challenger i get to choose
00:27:17you are
00:27:20competitive crossword solving
00:27:21it's not even a game is it
00:27:23first one to finish correctly
00:27:24it's the bentley
00:27:26now be careful now
00:27:27yeah listen i can fill in a crossword
00:27:30but i can uh ask people for help
00:27:33i can call them for help if i need it
00:27:34right
00:27:35i can collaborate
00:27:36oh seek as much assistance as you require
00:27:39hang on
00:27:39one across nine letters
00:27:42the measured tread of the saints
00:27:43round the dome of saint peter's
00:27:45how appropriate
00:27:47in this case the word round
00:27:49tells you to look for one word inside another giving us the opening word
00:27:55billy billy yes mate yes i need the solution for today's cryptic crossword and i need it right now
00:28:01he's got to be on the whip somewhere do like a search or something
00:28:05yeah well then find the bloke that wrote the crossword and threaten him
00:28:07tell him we're gonna kill his husband or his dog or something like that
00:28:10finish
00:28:13what's
00:28:17no no no no you could have written anything down
00:28:20what's ten down
00:28:23miss desmond levitates for david's spacey song refers to norma desmond from sunset boulevard
00:28:29and can be rephrased as norma flies which is an anagram of the david bowie song
00:28:34life on mars
00:28:38i'll take the car and my friend
00:28:44i'm gonna have my
00:28:46brian brian
00:28:46i did give you a chance you really mustn't get angry you know
00:28:55we need to get a wiggle on
00:28:57jackie white
00:28:58dad sit down
00:29:00sit down
00:29:02hold an ambulance
00:29:03ow
00:29:15you're feeling quite pleased with yourself right now aren't you
00:29:18ooh
00:29:20deals
00:29:20deal
00:29:23right let's do this over with so where is jesus
00:29:25i don't know
00:29:28i don't know
00:29:29you don't know
00:29:29well no
00:29:30otherwise i wouldn't need to find him would i
00:29:31i wouldn't need
00:29:32you wouldn't need me right
00:29:34nice
00:29:34gotcha
00:29:37seriously no idea
00:29:40that's quite big you know
00:29:41yes i'm aware of that
00:29:42what do you do
00:29:42ring a bell
00:29:43leave out snacks
00:29:45hang signs on lampposts saying missing messiah can offer small reward
00:29:48no i
00:29:48look i don't know
00:29:54so
00:29:56do you have any idea where the book of life might be
00:30:01no
00:30:02i'm afraid no
00:30:03sorry
00:30:04of course i don't
00:30:07that's a shame
00:30:08or then
00:30:09any idea how we can have got to wherever it is
00:30:13that we don't know
00:30:14where that even is
00:30:20excellent question
00:30:29i need to find the lady
00:30:31oh
00:30:33well once upon a time my love
00:30:35i could have seen you well sorted
00:30:36but it's all a blooming internet now isn't it
00:30:40well
00:30:41um just sit anywhere
00:30:50who are you
00:30:51jehoshua
00:30:52bless you
00:30:53bless you
00:30:54bless you
00:30:55harry frish
00:30:56mate
00:30:58or harry the fish
00:30:59as was
00:31:00back when my name meant anything
00:31:02then i will call you harry the fish
00:31:05you were a fisher of
00:31:08what do you do with those cards
00:31:10for i've been told to find the lady
00:31:12find the lady
00:31:14i did used to work the monty
00:31:16sure
00:31:16with a team of guys
00:31:19i miss them
00:31:21i had friends
00:31:24a team
00:31:25twelve friends
00:31:26i'm solo now
00:31:28no more monty
00:31:29just me
00:31:31you've got an honest face
00:31:32thank you
00:31:33you have a beautiful face harry
00:31:36but one filled with pain
00:31:38so how do i find the lady
00:31:44find the lady
00:31:46find the lady
00:31:47find the gravy
00:31:48here she is
00:31:49there she goes
00:31:49where she ends up
00:31:50nobody knows
00:31:56will you teach me
00:32:04how about some music
00:32:05um
00:32:06maybe a little um
00:32:07tom tom garage
00:32:09or um
00:32:10some riprap
00:32:11or a gogo
00:32:12you have absolutely no idea what any of that means
00:32:14yes i do
00:32:15they're all
00:32:16types of bebop
00:32:17stop flustering me
00:32:18i can't
00:32:18i can't think straight
00:32:20things have been
00:32:21things have been really very complicated for me at the moment
00:32:23you know
00:32:23you've lost jesus and bollocks of the second coming
00:32:25doesn't get much more complicated than that
00:32:26and we may have lost the book of life
00:32:30you've lost it
00:32:31well it does seem to be evading us rather successfully for the moment
00:32:36unbelievable
00:32:37you leave me to go back to sword out of heaven
00:32:39you've made it into more of a mess than it was already
00:32:41look i had a chance to make a real difference
00:32:42you've still done better do you
00:32:44you can't change anything
00:32:46it's all rigged
00:32:47the entire universe
00:32:48but i have to try at least
00:32:49can't you see that
00:32:51i don't want an awful
00:32:53judgy second coming
00:32:54with those scary horses
00:32:56and half the world being smited
00:32:58if i'm the boss
00:32:59you're not
00:32:59and you never will be
00:33:00there's always someone above you
00:33:02stacking the deck
00:33:02well not now there isn't
00:33:03the metatron's disappeared too
00:33:07oh super
00:33:08mr big giant floaty head bought you a lovely coffee himself as done a runner
00:33:12ha ha
00:33:14you could have avoided all this
00:33:16we could have done a runner ourselves
00:33:18our house should come with me
00:33:19we could be drinking cocktails on alpha centauri
00:33:21this could be someone else's problem
00:33:22how could we have been happy there
00:33:24knowing that we were leaving all these people to goodness knows what awfulness
00:33:28second coming
00:33:30apocalypse
00:33:30the end of everything on earth as it is on alpha centauri
00:33:34i could stop all that
00:33:35i just wanted to save everything
00:33:37and and and so that everybody could have a chance including us
00:33:43and how's that working out
00:33:50down the ground
00:33:51keep walking
00:33:53we're just coincidentally walking in the same direction
00:33:55okay
00:33:57i may know something
00:33:58what
00:33:59i thought
00:33:59if i tell you i want to be reinstated as an archangel
00:34:02i don't have that power
00:34:03not yet you don't
00:34:04meet me in the corridor in the space between
00:34:06they won't be looking there
00:34:19hello
00:34:22muriel
00:34:24hello
00:34:28muriel is that you
00:34:41what are you doing here
00:34:43this area has been closed off
00:34:45i was here to meet sandalpha
00:34:48muriel
00:34:49muriel
00:34:49muriel
00:34:51muriel
00:34:54muriel
00:35:03muriel
00:35:05muriel
00:35:07why are you stopping
00:35:09no no we can't park here
00:35:11they'll be looking for the bentley
00:35:12They don't have to see it, do they?
00:35:15Oh.
00:35:19Really?
00:35:21We know Jesus is on Earth, but it's a big place.
00:35:24He could be anywhere.
00:35:25Well, he likes deserts.
00:35:27Or he used to.
00:35:28Spent 40 days in one back when I knew.
00:35:35But he can't be.
00:35:36Well, obviously.
00:35:38No.
00:35:40No.
00:35:42I understand.
00:35:43That was Seracriel.
00:35:45It appears that Sandalfon...
00:35:47Also vanished.
00:35:49Seracriel thinks he's been murdered.
00:35:51I need to get back to heaven.
00:35:52You'll just have to begin the hunt for Jesus here yourself.
00:35:54No, no, no.
00:35:55I'm coming with you.
00:35:55To heaven?
00:35:56You most certainly are not.
00:35:57You clearly can't do this on your own.
00:35:58Come on.
00:36:03Uriel.
00:36:04What are you doing in here?
00:36:06I prepared a report on Sandalfon's murder.
00:36:11What's he doing here?
00:36:13Well, he's back up.
00:36:14Two heads.
00:36:15Better than one.
00:36:16He's a demon.
00:36:18Former.
00:36:18Former demon.
00:36:19Now just a private individual.
00:36:23So, Sandalfon vanishes.
00:36:25He said he had things to tell me.
00:36:27I think it was about the Metatron and the Book of Life.
00:36:30You think?
00:36:31So no actual information, then?
00:36:34Perhaps you need some help.
00:36:35Uriel.
00:36:36Uriel is perfect for the job.
00:36:39Your assistance is not required.
00:36:41Your infinite holiness.
00:36:43I would like to register a complaint.
00:36:45This person should not be allowed in heaven.
00:36:49A complaint is duly noted and registered.
00:36:53Will it make a difference?
00:36:55Oh, no.
00:36:58So, the Book of Life, wouldn't the archive monitor show who took it?
00:37:01Of course I thought to check the archive.
00:37:05Look.
00:37:06One moment, it's here.
00:37:08Where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:37:10The next, it's not.
00:37:12So, the moment of theft has been edited out.
00:37:15Not edited.
00:37:17It just goes.
00:37:18I looked for fingerprints, for a magnifying glass, and footprints.
00:37:21So, if the archive wasn't edited, what if reality was?
00:37:27That's perfectly impossible.
00:37:28By the Book of Life itself, you mean?
00:37:32That's pretty.
00:37:32You simply remove the moment the book was taken from the book itself.
00:37:35Reality adjusts to conform.
00:37:37You can't just remove things from reality.
00:37:39Well, hang around for a while.
00:37:40Oh, sure, while reality catches up.
00:37:42Len!
00:37:45I'll be, and that's what's happened to the Metatron.
00:37:47Soon enough, you'll forget all about them.
00:37:49Right, back to work.
00:37:51Chop, chop.
00:37:52Don't dilly-dally.
00:37:56Oh, thank you, sir.
00:37:57No need.
00:37:58You're doing an excellent job.
00:38:04What is hell is actually behind this?
00:38:06Someone must have had a motive for the theft.
00:38:08A motive for the murder.
00:38:09No, it wasn't you.
00:38:11I mean, no, it wasn't me.
00:38:12Angels aren't killers.
00:38:13Sorry, are we talking about the same angels?
00:38:14I think you should return to hell and find out everything you can.
00:38:18They know me.
00:38:19I'm not going back.
00:38:20They know you.
00:38:21But they don't know me.
00:38:24I could ask around.
00:38:25Take a look.
00:38:26You are not a demon.
00:38:28They found an undocumented angel wandering around hell.
00:38:30They'd kill you just for starters.
00:38:33You forget, I am a master of disguise.
00:38:36No, you're not.
00:38:37No, that seems to be rather good.
00:38:39Are you sure they were working last week?
00:38:44Pretty sure.
00:38:49Yes?
00:38:50My lord Archduke, Slauch the Vile, master of the secret torments, is here to see Lord Dengon.
00:38:59I don't have anything in the calendar.
00:39:01He has come directly from downstairs.
00:39:05We are downstairs.
00:39:06All the way down stairs.
00:39:17An emissary from all the way downstairs is here.
00:39:22From downstairs?
00:39:24What, now?
00:39:25They're meant to let us know.
00:39:28I don't believe Lord Satan is under any obligation to do anything to make things easier for you, Dengon.
00:39:37I don't believe you, Dengon.
00:39:39Yes.
00:39:40Sorry.
00:39:41No.
00:39:45Have we met?
00:39:47I don't do a lot of mingling.
00:39:50No.
00:39:50No, Lord Satan keeps me very busy with all the, you know, secrets, torments and that.
00:39:58Yes, of course.
00:39:59We are here because of the turmoil upstairs.
00:40:04Your reports on the matter have been disappointing.
00:40:13So I came to investigate personally.
00:40:21The second coming?
00:40:24They lost him, didn't they?
00:40:26Yes.
00:40:27But I'm sure they'll find him soon enough.
00:40:31Unless...
00:40:32We know where he is.
00:40:36Nothing you heard.
00:40:38No.
00:40:39No.
00:40:39No.
00:40:40But I'm here on the other matter.
00:40:44Other matter?
00:40:45Upstairs.
00:40:45A murder.
00:40:48A disappearance.
00:40:50The Book of Life.
00:40:52Missing.
00:40:55Don't say you haven't heard anything!
00:40:57We just know what we put in the report.
00:40:59We just know what we put in the report.
00:40:59The Metatron and a couple of archangels removed from the Book of Life.
00:41:02Thus, a vanish-up.
00:41:04That's all we know.
00:41:05What?
00:41:06If someone is holding out from the even further downstairs.
00:41:14I didn't even know the Book was missing!
00:41:16Our secret sauce on the top floor!
00:41:18Let it slip!
00:41:23Well, I will let his infernal darkness know how helpful you've both been.
00:41:32That's...
00:41:32That's good, isn't it?
00:41:34Is it?
00:41:38Let's hope so.
00:41:48It's a dance, Josh.
00:41:49Find the rhythm.
00:41:55See, the trick is never to think of it as a trick.
00:41:58The cards want to be manipulated.
00:42:01Bit like people, really.
00:42:03Even me.
00:42:05Wait a minute, I remember this.
00:42:07Remember what?
00:42:09Somebody's all at a loss.
00:42:11And then I say something that helps.
00:42:13Go on, then.
00:42:15Well...
00:42:16Well!
00:42:16For I say to you this.
00:42:18If a man has a boat, then he has the ability to fish.
00:42:21For justice.
00:42:22Has he got a net?
00:42:23What?
00:42:23The bloke with a boat.
00:42:24He'd need a net.
00:42:25Or a rod.
00:42:26I mean, the boat doesn't catch the fish, does it?
00:42:28No, I may be a bit rusty.
00:42:30I mean, it's been a few centuries.
00:42:32Wait.
00:42:33Okay.
00:42:34There was a widow who had three sons.
00:42:36And the first son was a fisherman.
00:42:39Are all these stories about fishing?
00:42:41No.
00:42:43Hurry.
00:42:51Find the lady.
00:43:05Oh!
00:43:06I didn't see a thing.
00:43:09You know, maybe the card's life isn't something you want to be involved in.
00:43:12No.
00:43:13It's the right thing to do.
00:43:15It's a way to reach out to people.
00:43:18I'm pretty sure that's what the lady is.
00:43:20It's people finding peace and love and happiness.
00:43:24Happiness?
00:43:25Let me tell you something, Josh.
00:43:26Life, this life, blinds you to what matters.
00:43:30Right?
00:43:31I had kids, you know.
00:43:33Missed them growing up, didn't I?
00:43:35Because I was too bloody busy working the cards.
00:43:45Let's give it a go, shall we?
00:43:48I've ordered enormous amounts of dim sum for you.
00:43:50That's a bottle of Chateau Neuf-du-Pape, 1988.
00:43:53You know, I'm not going to eat.
00:43:55I'm not that angel any longer.
00:43:57No, it's my job to set an example for all the other angels.
00:44:00I'm making choices.
00:44:04Good, upstanding choices.
00:44:06Right.
00:44:07Does that include choosing heaven instead of me?
00:44:11I chose heaven because of you.
00:44:15You showed me what it meant to be brave.
00:44:17And to make a difference, to stand up for what I believed in.
00:44:21Did I?
00:44:21Yes.
00:44:22You told me that heaven wasn't on anybody's side.
00:44:25And I realized I could change that.
00:44:28I could make it on everybody's side.
00:44:30In what way?
00:44:32Well, for a start, Jesus was meant to be sent here to end it all.
00:44:37To end everything.
00:44:38Oh, yes, then.
00:44:38And, um, well, I did eventually persuade upstairs that the Second Coming didn't have to be Armageddon.
00:44:44It could be a second chance to get things right.
00:44:47You know, to make things better.
00:44:48To inspire the humans to be, you know, nicer.
00:44:53What did God say to that?
00:44:55Well, she didn't tell me to stop.
00:44:58Oh.
00:45:00Oh.
00:45:03He, um, he genuinely did speak fondly of you, you know.
00:45:06Jesus.
00:45:07He even remembered your Kingdoms of the World routine.
00:45:10Oh, did he?
00:45:11He is nice.
00:45:13Oh.
00:45:14What?
00:45:16Oh.
00:45:17He was here.
00:45:19Light of the world.
00:45:21Mary's bloody boy child.
00:45:22He was here.
00:45:23In Soho.
00:45:25Oh.
00:45:25That was him.
00:45:26I talked to him.
00:45:26On my noses this whole time.
00:45:28And you didn't recognize him.
00:45:29Now, before you get all jadgy.
00:45:30In my defense, I was astonishingly drunk.
00:45:34Well, that's hardly an actual dip.
00:45:35No, no.
00:45:35I won't do that, no.
00:45:36This is good news.
00:45:37Means you can't be far.
00:45:38Yeah, certainly narrow down the scope of the search.
00:45:40Way fewer temples.
00:45:42Deserts.
00:45:43What about hell?
00:45:44Any clues?
00:45:44I don't think they had a clue about anything, to be honest.
00:45:47In fact, I'm even realizing that some of their information was off.
00:45:53How so?
00:45:53Well, their sources told them that the Metatron and two archangels had been murdered using the Book of Life.
00:46:00And?
00:46:00Only one archangel has been murdered.
00:46:02Sandalfon.
00:46:04So what they were told is wrong.
00:46:07Unless...
00:46:08What they heard was not what had already happened.
00:46:12But a plan.
00:46:14Why would anybody tell them their plan?
00:46:16Of course they are a bit deranged.
00:46:19The Wrong Hand's the Book of Life has the power to drive anyone mad.
00:46:22We're not built to cope with pasts, presents and futures that don't match up.
00:46:27Time stops meaning anything.
00:46:29Constantly unhappening bits of reality.
00:46:32Could make someone lose track of what will be true.
00:46:35But isn't true yet.
00:46:37Exactly.
00:46:39And if it's not someone from hell who has the plan, then...
00:46:44Then...
00:46:45Oh no!
00:46:49Earth!
00:46:56I really have missed food.
00:46:59So...
00:47:00I think the next step...
00:47:01The next step...
00:47:02Is you sitting back down.
00:47:03Hello Misty!
00:47:05Everything okay?
00:47:06My dad's in intensive care.
00:47:08You know, the toughest bloke in all of London.
00:47:10And you two...
00:47:11Good as killed him.
00:47:12I don't think we did.
00:47:14He won your car fair and square.
00:47:15Just as my friend wanted fair and square back from me.
00:47:17You said they stole it.
00:47:18Yeah.
00:47:19Not at all.
00:47:19We signed a contract.
00:47:20And then I beat him in a cryptic crossword.
00:47:22Oh.
00:47:23That is a tough one.
00:47:24Misty, your dad is in hospital because of anger management issues and a dodgy heart valve.
00:47:28Shut it!
00:47:29You're coming with us to your shithole bookshop.
00:47:32And you're gonna watch us burn it down.
00:47:34I think I sold it!
00:47:36How are you supposed to be?
00:47:38The case.
00:47:39Michael chose me to investigate the book's disappearance.
00:47:41And I've been investigating.
00:47:43And then I thought...
00:47:44What is this?
00:47:45I'm really enthusiastic.
00:47:46And I've read a lot of human detective books.
00:47:49And I'm nice.
00:47:50Kind of in the middle of something, yeah?
00:47:52But I'm only the perfect person for the job if you don't want the real answer.
00:47:56I'm the useful idiot!
00:47:58And then I thought...
00:47:59Oh my heavens!
00:48:00I know who did it!
00:48:01I made a deduction!
00:48:03A proper one.
00:48:04You worked out that Michael's the one that's been doing this?
00:48:06Yes.
00:48:06Um, I worked out that...
00:48:09Oh, you knew?
00:48:10Yeah.
00:48:11Look!
00:48:11Can we please focus on the threats of extreme violence?
00:48:13We worked it out over Dim Song.
00:48:15Hell knew what was happening or about to happen before we did.
00:48:18Michael's the one that talks to Hell, so it's always been bike channel so.
00:48:21Yeah.
00:48:21But your deduction really was excellent.
00:48:24What are you getting?
00:48:25Bookshop?
00:48:26Burn!
00:48:27Burn the bookshop!
00:48:28Hell is not marked!
00:48:30How about some gentle ribbing?
00:48:31Oh, for...
00:48:32Who the hell are you?
00:48:33You are not Lord Slorch.
00:48:34His vileness was elsewhere, inventing new torments.
00:48:37Your presence was a violation of preternatural diplomacy.
00:48:40This means war, doesn't everything?
00:48:43Hello again.
00:48:44Oh.
00:48:45Hello.
00:48:46You're most certainly in trouble too.
00:48:48Quiet!
00:48:50What are you standing around for?
00:48:52Break something.
00:48:52Lots of things!
00:48:53To be fair, Misty, Brian's cardiologist was always suggesting yoga and mindfulness.
00:48:58Change of diet.
00:48:59Getting away from thinking about work.
00:49:00Shut up!
00:49:02And start hurting people.
00:49:03Never really solves anything, though, doing that, does it?
00:49:05No.
00:49:06And you know, you can love your father without having to be like him.
00:49:10Perhaps there'll be a miracle and he'll pull through.
00:49:13Not that he deserves it.
00:49:16You should be at his side.
00:49:21I have no idea who that lady was.
00:49:22She's right.
00:49:23It must be hurting and burning.
00:49:26Hell is not mocked.
00:49:31Missing Messiah is one thing.
00:49:32Book of life in the wrong hands is quite another.
00:49:33That's potentially the end of everything.
00:49:35Finding my lid is there.
00:49:43Hello, Uriel.
00:49:45You looking for me?
00:49:47I need to speak to Aziraphale.
00:49:48Oh, if you mean the Supreme Archangel.
00:49:51You can talk to me.
00:49:52Aziraphale has, um, other plans.
00:49:55Wait, Supreme, you're not in charge.
00:49:57Well, strictly speaking, I have other plans for him, but you know, potato, potato.
00:50:01I have a plan for everything.
00:50:05Well, it's more of a checklist.
00:50:07Quite long.
00:50:08But, uh, just the one item for Aziraphale.
00:50:13Not existing anymore.
00:50:16The Metatron.
00:50:18Sample file.
00:50:19I undid the war.
00:50:22Why?
00:50:23Ah.
00:50:25I don't know.
00:50:27Maybe the literal infinity of grinding slob.
00:50:32Carrying out the idiotic plans of Archangels too vain or too nice to get the job done.
00:50:38I cannot let Aziraphale botch this.
00:50:43The Second Coming must be done properly.
00:50:46As it was foretold.
00:50:48But that means-
00:50:48Yeah!
00:50:49It means destruction!
00:50:51It's my go this time!
00:50:54And it's gonna be a clean slate.
00:50:55Very, very clean.
00:51:10Would you like to know how I did it?
00:51:12Would you?
00:51:13It's remarkably easy.
00:51:18I did it like this.
00:51:24Do you know what's gonna happen to you now, Uriel?
00:51:27No, I-
00:51:28Nothing.
00:51:29Nothing's gonna happen to you.
00:51:32All the nothing in the world.
00:51:35What?
00:51:36Look!
00:51:38Look!
00:51:39It's happening right now!
00:51:40No!
00:52:01Uriel's gone.
00:52:02Gone? Gone where?
00:52:03Gone, gone. Murdered, I expect.
00:52:05There's your second death, bingo.
00:52:06No.
00:52:06We worked out who did it.
00:52:08Michael.
00:52:09How did you know?
00:52:10Because you're too dim.
00:52:12He's too nice.
00:52:13And I'm confident that I didn't go on a fit of homicidal insanity.
00:52:18Meanwhile, things are just disappearing.
00:52:21Pop! Pop! Pop!
00:52:25And Canada.
00:52:27We've just lost Canada.
00:52:28Michael's destroying the Book of Life.
00:52:30No, no, no, no.
00:52:31It's impossible.
00:52:32We'll let you destroy it.
00:52:33A few pages here and they're fine, but no, no, no, no.
00:52:35It's too well made.
00:52:36Where is Michael now?
00:52:37Not on Earth, not in Heaven.
00:52:40Your guess is as good as mine.
00:52:42If the Book of Life can't be destroyed here, where can it be destroyed?
00:52:46There isn't anywhere.
00:52:48Yes, there is.
00:52:49We all fought for controller during the Great War.
00:52:51My side lost.
00:52:52The eternal flame now.
00:52:53That would do it.
00:52:56Michael must have used the book itself to travel to the center of the universe.
00:52:59That's the only way of getting there.
00:53:01That is where you are very wrong.
00:53:03Angel, time to go.
00:53:04You two, keep it all together.
00:53:05Earth, do everything you can.
00:53:07Yes, please do.
00:53:09You've always been so good at that.
00:53:11Worked so hard.
00:53:21Australia?
00:53:22What good's in Australia anyway?
00:53:24It's just...
00:53:25Just stuff.
00:53:26People.
00:53:28Boomerangs.
00:53:29Big bouncing rats.
00:53:39Wasn't that?
00:53:39I found him!
00:53:40And I found the lady!
00:53:41And I found my mission too.
00:53:43We really should be going.
00:53:44It's to reach out to people.
00:53:44And do that with reaching out.
00:53:46And make them feel well until the very end.
00:53:49Which hopefully won't happen.
00:53:55Come on, mate.
00:53:56Let's get started.
00:53:59How fast did you see this goes?
00:54:01What on earth?
00:54:01About 150 out there.
00:54:03A whole lot faster than light.
00:54:06Superstar leaping through the sky.
00:54:08Like a tiger.
00:54:09You're buying the laws of liberty.
00:54:12I'm a racing car.
00:54:13Passing by.
00:54:14Like Lady Goddiver.
00:54:15Like Lady Goddiver.
00:54:16I'm a racing car.
00:54:16But don't wait.
00:54:17Go, go, go.
00:54:18There's no stopping to me.
00:54:21I'm a racing car.
00:54:21Running through the sky.
00:54:23Oi, oi.
00:54:24Step right up and no mistake.
00:54:26Easiest money you'll ever make.
00:54:28Come on, gather round.
00:54:29Gotta say something as well.
00:54:31You know, a bit of patter.
00:54:32Come to me, all of you who are weary.
00:54:35And I will give you rest.
00:54:38Come to me if you are hurt or lonely.
00:54:42Bit dark, maybe.
00:54:44Looking back, I have a feeling that this is precisely the sort of thing that got me in trouble the
00:54:48last time.
00:54:49I'm with you this time.
00:54:50Don't worry.
00:54:51Speak to him.
00:54:54Oh, I've only wanted to put my foot all the way down.
00:54:58I'm trying to get the speed of land
00:55:00And I'm gonna make a super sonic battle
00:55:14There goes Alpha Centauri
00:55:16No cocktails there
00:55:17Hang on, Angel!
00:55:40Come to me, all ye. I have a gift for you.
00:55:43Did he just say, all ye?
00:55:45Have some elaborate bread and cheese.
00:55:50Is there any more of that?
00:55:53You know, Martin was an accident.
00:55:55He mixed up the pill bottles.
00:55:57I always wondered.
00:56:00I loved him so much.
00:56:02I'll have a slice, love.
00:56:04Your sister in Bridlington.
00:56:06Hang on, how?
00:56:07She wants you to come home.
00:56:09Yeah?
00:56:10Well, she said I brought shame on family, so...
00:56:12Well, she's too proud to apologise.
00:56:14And your mum's ill.
00:56:18Blessed are the lonely and the hungry.
00:56:21Come to me, those who are lost.
00:56:24For you shall find your way home.
00:56:29Please take a piece.
00:56:30There's plenty for all.
00:56:32And blessed are you, above all men, Harry the Fish.
00:56:38For you've taught me the way of the three cards.
00:56:41You're like the son I never had, Josh.
00:56:44I mean, I did have a son and he doesn't speak to me.
00:56:46But if he did, I couldn't be more chuffed.
00:56:50Not only have they lost, Nailboy, they broke to buy logs by it down here.
00:56:56Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
00:56:58Now that heaven's lost its stupid second coming, it's all gone blue, live barrel bunkers.
00:57:03Oh, they're the bad guys now.
00:57:08Now.
00:57:09Now it's our time.
00:57:11Isn't this pretty much what you said last time?
00:57:14But now it will finally be me at the front of our army, marching into heaven.
00:57:22I'm so...
00:57:23I'm so...
00:57:25I'm so...
00:57:29I'm so...
00:57:30I'm so...
00:57:52You know, you went completely down.
00:57:55Oh, I was.
00:58:04This doesn't feel like universal happiness.
00:58:07Does anybody know what's happening?
00:58:08My phone's dead.
00:58:10Where is everyone?
00:58:14Where did he go?
00:58:17But I'm coming back to Bricklings.
00:58:21You are a joy bringer, Josh.
00:58:23And I wanted to tell you that I...
00:58:31Well, this is it, I suppose.
00:58:35Into your hands I commit my spirit!
00:58:38Again.
00:58:41I never really seem to get much of a go.
00:58:52Hello, Michael.
00:58:53Do you want to talk about this?
00:58:56I don't really feel like talking, thank you very much.
00:58:59I've got a lot to do.
00:59:00I'm burning it all.
00:59:04Air fryers.
00:59:05I'm the only one who knows there ever were air fryers.
00:59:08You poor thing.
00:59:09You must be so tired.
00:59:12Must I?
00:59:13Well, you've been doing everything, haven't you?
00:59:16So long.
00:59:17And no one ever said thank you, did they?
00:59:21Not once.
00:59:22Ever.
00:59:24I must have got so tired being overlooked.
00:59:27Not being appreciated.
00:59:30For thousands of years.
00:59:32Somebody had to make things work.
00:59:35Oh.
00:59:35And you were so good at that.
00:59:37So capable.
00:59:38I was.
00:59:38I was.
00:59:39And they were so stupid.
00:59:43You were, Aziraphale, and Gabriel, and the Metatron.
00:59:47Do you remember the Metatron?
00:59:49He's here somewhere, I think.
00:59:51Oh, yes, I'm here.
00:59:53You still know I existed, Michael.
00:59:58Be quiet.
00:59:59Be quiet!
01:00:01Quiet?
01:00:02Quiet?
01:00:02We don't have to listen to you.
01:00:04You killed us.
01:00:06No, but.
01:00:07Hmm?
01:00:08I'm the only one who remembers.
01:00:11I remember everything.
01:00:13Hmm?
01:00:14Strands.
01:00:15All the possibilities.
01:00:17Everything that happened.
01:00:19Everything that didn't.
01:00:21I remember it all.
01:00:22It's all in my head.
01:00:24Oh, it hurts.
01:00:28Oh.
01:00:31It's over.
01:00:35The Metatron did it first.
01:00:37He used to just, he used to just fiddle with things in the book.
01:00:41Get them how he wanted them, and I thought maybe I could do that.
01:00:43Maybe I.
01:00:45I.
01:00:46I'm the only angel who can make the original plan work.
01:00:50The great plan.
01:00:51I do understand.
01:00:54I just wanted to fix things.
01:00:57Yes, me too.
01:01:00But through love.
01:01:02And hope.
01:01:05Michael.
01:01:06What?
01:01:06There is only ever one way to fix things.
01:01:12And I'm going to do that now.
01:01:15What?
01:01:16What are you going to do?
01:01:18I'm going to forgive you.
01:01:21You.
01:01:22You can forgive me.
01:01:28I.
01:01:31I can't.
01:01:34More.
01:01:38Take my hand, quickly.
01:02:02Open.
01:02:05Someone might want to buy a book.
01:02:08As far as I can tell, the entirety of creation is us in this bookshop.
01:02:14I don't think you're going to get many customers.
01:02:19Curly.
01:02:20Before anything else happens, there is one more thing that needs fixing.
01:02:26What?
01:02:27I need you to forgive me.
01:02:30Oh, come on, angel.
01:02:31I need to hear you say it.
01:02:34Please, Curly.
01:02:39You're right.
01:02:40No, no, no.
01:02:41Don't do that, don't.
01:02:42Well?
01:02:44I'm not forgiving him.
01:02:46I didn't.
01:02:46I forgive you.
01:02:54Well, it's just us.
01:02:58In the whole of everything.
01:03:02It's a place for us.
01:03:04We've got nothing.
01:03:07We've got each other.
01:03:09And we've probably got some coconut.
01:03:12And we've got lots of books.
01:03:14Have we?
01:03:18Good luck reading these.
01:03:20But that's...
01:03:26Even the Dickens.
01:03:29Well, if it's all come down to this, then there must be some sort of answer here, finally, to everything.
01:03:37Oh, yeah.
01:03:38100,000 blank books.
01:03:39But one with all the answers in them.
01:03:41Doesn't sound very likely, does it?
01:03:52Can I...
01:03:53Can I help you?
01:03:54I'm afraid all the books appear to be blank.
01:03:57Even the Dickens.
01:03:59I know you.
01:04:02You do, yes.
01:04:04Oh.
01:04:05Yes, there is something familiar about you.
01:04:09Last time you saw me, I was a thousand feet high.
01:04:12Bright red.
01:04:13Lots of horns and fabulous teeth.
01:04:16Arguing with my son.
01:04:17Satan.
01:04:18You're Satan.
01:04:20That's really just a job title.
01:04:23It means the adversary.
01:04:25And I don't know if I still have a job.
01:04:27But yes.
01:04:29I was the Satan for a very long time.
01:04:33Hello, Crowley.
01:04:35How are you still here?
01:04:36Is that any way to greet an old friend?
01:04:39Oh, we were never friends.
01:04:41I want answers, and I want them now.
01:04:43I don't give answers.
01:04:45And God definitely doesn't.
01:04:47So, you're the devil.
01:04:50Can't have been much fun for you.
01:04:55Fun?
01:04:56It's not about having fun.
01:04:58It's about pride and honor.
01:05:01It's about refusing to acknowledge humans as superior.
01:05:03It's about challenging God.
01:05:05Yeah, but you never really did, did you?
01:05:08Excuse me?
01:05:09The Great Revolt?
01:05:10The War in Heaven?
01:05:11What was that then, eh?
01:05:12Two-week holiday in Marbella?
01:05:14You knew what we didn't know, didn't you?
01:05:17You knew we couldn't win.
01:05:18You were never going to win, were you?
01:05:20That wasn't the plan.
01:05:21I didn't know that.
01:05:22I thought we had a chance, and so did you.
01:05:25That's why you joined up.
01:05:26I don't remember why I joined you not anymore.
01:05:29I was tired, and I was angry.
01:05:32I wanted it all to make sense.
01:05:33And you seemed to care.
01:05:35I did care.
01:05:37Nah.
01:05:38You were just doing your job.
01:05:42Do you have a pen?
01:05:50What kind of pen do you need?
01:05:56Pass me a book.
01:05:57Which book?
01:05:59Well, it doesn't matter if it's all blank.
01:06:01Whichever one you give me is the right one.
01:06:03Bleak House.
01:06:09But that isn't a book of blank.
01:06:11It is if we say it is.
01:06:15What are you two idiots doing now?
01:06:17I want answers.
01:06:19Oh, no.
01:06:20No, you can't do that.
01:06:21Oh, yes, we can.
01:06:25Do you want to write it?
01:06:28Give me the pen.
01:06:34There were four of them in that bookshop, which was the whole world.
01:06:39An angel, a former demon, the devil himself, and one other, one who was there because they
01:06:50were omnipresent.
01:06:52They had always been there.
01:06:54They would always be there.
01:07:02As you say, Aziraphale, you didn't really need to summon me.
01:07:06I was already here.
01:07:08Yes, you can be everywhere, but that doesn't mean you'll talk to us, Lord.
01:07:15So, Crowley, what's your question?
01:07:17I thought you didn't answer questions.
01:07:19Time's done, Crowley.
01:07:20I'll answer one question from you.
01:07:23But it had better be a good one.
01:07:24Oh, it's a good one.
01:07:26What?
01:07:27It's the only one I've got.
01:07:29It's not the problem of evil, is it?
01:07:32Because I can tell you, I'm over being blamed for that one.
01:07:35No, no, not exactly that.
01:07:37No, just...
01:07:41Ask.
01:07:51Why make people, and then punish them for behaving like people?
01:07:57Humans are gonna human.
01:07:58No matter what we do, there's nothing we can ever do about it.
01:08:00Oh, it is the problem of evil.
01:08:01Well, I told you, it's so predictable.
01:08:04No, no, no, it's not the problem of evil, it's the problem of everything.
01:08:08But let's talk about people.
01:08:09They are born into a world that is against them in a thousand different ways.
01:08:15And then devote most of their energy to making it worse.
01:08:18Where you'll find the real grace and the real heart-stopping evil is right inside this human mind.
01:08:26But a person isn't the worst thing they've ever done.
01:08:28Anyone, they're the best thing they've ever done.
01:08:30Why make them that way?
01:08:31That's free will.
01:08:32Free will?
01:08:33That's just a card trick, isn't it?
01:08:35Suckers think they're playing for real.
01:08:37The dealer knows.
01:08:38Her body finds the lady unless she wants them to.
01:08:41What about you, Aziraphale?
01:08:43Not me.
01:08:44You?
01:08:45Do you have a burning question?
01:08:52I just wish it had been easier.
01:08:55I just wanted to do the right thing.
01:08:57You what?
01:08:59You just wanted to be left alone to read.
01:09:02You wanted to consume all the yummy human food.
01:09:04The lovely human music.
01:09:06You say all that as if it negates me wanting to do the right thing.
01:09:10Aziraphale.
01:09:10You were the first angel to lie to me.
01:09:14You were lazy.
01:09:16Gluttonous.
01:09:17Prideful.
01:09:18Quite true.
01:09:19And I was also the second best angel you ever had.
01:09:22You were what?
01:09:23The second best angel?
01:09:24So who do you think the best angel was?
01:09:29This one.
01:09:30I was a terrible angel.
01:09:32No, no.
01:09:34No, you were the best of us.
01:09:37You cared so much about everything.
01:09:40You were an artist.
01:09:43You wanted to understand, to make better art.
01:09:46The rest of us, we were just characters in her book.
01:09:51We didn't ask questions.
01:09:53You were the only one of us who genuinely believed there had to be a sensible purpose to it all.
01:10:01I'm nobody's character.
01:10:03If I'm just a part of her story, then what am I doing still here?
01:10:10Do you want me to tell him or will you?
01:10:12I'm interested in what you have to say, angel.
01:10:17Because it's a tidy way to finish.
01:10:21Two of you.
01:10:22Deity and the adversary facing off.
01:10:25And even shaking hands.
01:10:28And then it all ends for good.
01:10:30The cosmic game of chess is over.
01:10:36When we leave, you've just been a stand-in in a cosmic game of solitaire.
01:10:40Well, it's ridiculous.
01:10:45You know, Lord, I do have a question.
01:10:49Ask it then.
01:10:52Why?
01:10:53Why give me Crowley?
01:10:57Why make me complete?
01:11:00And then take it away?
01:11:03You know you won't get an answer.
01:11:10Because you were able to value what most people never even know they have.
01:11:17Your love for him was the messiest, silliest, most predictable thing in the universe.
01:11:27And it always made me smile.
01:11:32But that was then.
01:11:34That universe is over.
01:11:37As I think are both of you.
01:11:40Oh, my God, no, stop!
01:11:42You still haven't answered the first question.
01:11:44What I want to know is.
01:11:47Why did you think it was a good idea?
01:11:49Even a sensible idea.
01:11:51To make an infinite universe.
01:11:54Run it for 6,000 years.
01:11:56And then just tip the board over.
01:12:00The whole thing's lunacy.
01:12:02Everything ends.
01:12:03A story doesn't have to go beyond the last page of its book, Crowley.
01:12:07And that story is over.
01:12:08I don't accept that.
01:12:10And I do not accept that you're the one that gets to make all these decisions.
01:12:12Why should that be?
01:12:15Very well.
01:12:17I'll let you choose.
01:12:19This decision, this one decision can be yours.
01:12:24What do you want?
01:12:26Do you want me to put everything back the way it was?
01:12:32Can I talk?
01:12:33Very well.
01:12:34I'll give you privacy.
01:12:37Oh, my God.
01:12:46And I do not know what I do.
01:12:47I do not know what I do.
01:12:51I do not know what I do.
01:12:59I do not know what I do.
01:13:00about anymore.
01:13:02What do you want,
01:13:03Krillin?
01:13:13You know what I want?
01:13:18I want a real universe.
01:13:24I want my people to have a chance.
01:13:27I want free will
01:13:29to be a real thing.
01:13:34People deserve
01:13:35the chance
01:13:37to live in the real world.
01:13:46Even if there are no angels,
01:13:51no demons,
01:13:56no us.
01:14:01ever again.
01:14:12Did I say the wrong thing?
01:14:29I believe we've come to a decision.
01:14:34I believe we've come to a real thing.
01:14:35So then,
01:14:35he says,
01:14:36I've got a better idea.
01:14:38Let's not.
01:14:39And say we did.
01:14:41So I thought,
01:14:42well,
01:14:43there you go.
01:14:48Yes.
01:14:49Made your decision.
01:14:53We want you to create another universe.
01:14:57One without angels
01:14:58or demons.
01:15:01No God.
01:15:03No Satan.
01:15:06A universe without a heaven
01:15:08and without a hell.
01:15:10No great plan.
01:15:11Nothing ineffable.
01:15:13It just starts with the Big Bang
01:15:14and then,
01:15:15billions of years later,
01:15:16with the heat death of the universe.
01:15:19Oh, you know,
01:15:20however it stops.
01:15:21Heat death isn't a deal breaker,
01:15:22you're asking God
01:15:23to create a godless universe?
01:15:28Neither of you could ever exist
01:15:30in such a universe.
01:15:31You understand.
01:15:33Wait.
01:15:34You're not going to indulge them
01:15:35in this nonsense,
01:15:36are you?
01:15:37Yes.
01:15:39Yes,
01:15:39I think I am.
01:15:42You two fully comprehend the cost.
01:15:45We know what we're asking for.
01:15:50Very well.
01:15:54I'll make it.
01:15:55I'll make the universe
01:15:57your way.
01:15:58I'll even let an earth happen.
01:16:01Eventually,
01:16:01there'll be humans
01:16:02and life
01:16:03in all of its mundane glory.
01:16:05Something that
01:16:06both of you
01:16:08will neither know
01:16:09or experience, though.
01:16:11That doesn't matter.
01:16:15Say goodbye, then.
01:16:17Say goodbye, then.
01:16:48Oh, my God.
01:17:17Excuse me.
01:17:18Yes, come out.
01:17:19I was just passing. I saw the show.
01:17:21Do you have any books on astrophysics?
01:17:24Astrophysics.
01:17:25Eric, do we have any books on astrophysics?
01:17:29Is it there beside gardening?
01:17:32Opposite philosophy.
01:17:34I knew that.
01:17:36This way.
01:17:40Ah, here we are.
01:17:44Astrophysics for everyone.
01:17:45From the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation.
01:17:47God, we've had this for years.
01:17:49I think I could probably give it to you for half price.
01:17:54You have no idea how much that hurts me?
01:17:57Did I say something wrong?
01:17:59No, I shouldn't have said anything.
01:18:00Sorry, no.
01:18:02I wrote it.
01:18:05Oh, oh.
01:18:07Well, right.
01:18:09Yes, you don't want your own book.
01:18:12Probably already got a copy.
01:18:14Two boxes in the garage.
01:18:16Um, well, how about this?
01:18:20It's not exactly cutting edge, but...
01:18:23Oh, this is Arthur Eddington's Booker and Runeter.
01:18:26Second edition, I'm afraid.
01:18:27Oh, this? I've always wanted a copy of this.
01:18:29Oh, wonderful. This is my lucky day.
01:18:31Oh, good.
01:18:33Mine too.
01:18:34How so?
01:18:34Because I, um, have a book you want.
01:18:39Fair enough.
01:18:40Oh, 20 pounds. Wonderful. Thank you.
01:18:49Did you see we've got a couple of brown coxies?
01:18:52And a big book of astrophysics for everyone.
01:18:56No, no, he's the author, Derek.
01:18:57Yes.
01:18:58He has two boxes in his garage.
01:19:00Oh.
01:19:00Definitely shouldn't have mentioned that.
01:19:01There you are. Enjoy.
01:19:02Uh, well, thank you.
01:19:11So, that was Professor Anthony Crowley.
01:19:16How'd you know that?
01:19:17Hmm?
01:19:18Well, his name's in big letters on the book you're still holding.
01:19:23Well, aren't you going to go after him?
01:19:25Why would I possibly go after him?
01:19:27Well, you liked him.
01:19:30And it looked very much like he liked you.
01:19:41Oi! I mean, excuse me. Stop.
01:19:43Oh, sorry.
01:19:45Alisa, is everything okay?
01:19:47Oh.
01:19:49I told you two boxes.
01:19:50No, I know.
01:19:53Sorry, a bit puffed.
01:19:55No, I bought it.
01:19:56Would you, uh, could you sign it for me?
01:19:59Of course.
01:20:01What's your name?
01:20:01Uh, Fel.
01:20:02Aza Fel, with an S.
01:20:04Um, Jim, uh...
01:20:05Oh, dear.
01:20:05Sorry.
01:20:06Uh, sir.
01:20:11I need you to write your number down, too.
01:20:13For me.
01:20:15So I can ask you to dinner.
01:20:18And, uh, you'll say no, and, um, at least I'll have asked.
01:20:27Um, I'm not going to give you my number.
01:20:30No, no, no, no.
01:20:31Sorry.
01:20:32I'll wait for you.
01:20:34Where are we having that up?
01:20:38Where are we having that up?
01:20:52Oh, no.
01:20:54I don't think it's right.
01:20:56I don't think it's right.
01:20:58Confusion is nothing new.
01:21:02Flashback one night.
01:21:04Almost left behind.
01:21:07I didn't know.
01:21:09I didn't know.
01:21:11I didn't know.
01:21:14So, how was everything?
01:21:15Don't. It was screwed.
01:21:17Absolutely screwed.
01:21:19I don't think I've ever had anyone use that word in my life before.
01:21:22How was my mother used to say?
01:21:23Right.
01:21:25Another one she used to say was Tickety Boone.
01:21:27Right. And Squiffy.
01:21:29Squiffy, yes. Hopelessly yet amusingly.
01:21:32Yes, yes.
01:21:34And so the bookshop?
01:21:36Ah, well, um,
01:21:38Derek.
01:21:40Time after time.
01:21:42If you fall, I will catch you.
01:21:44I'll be waiting.
01:21:46Time after time.
01:21:49If you're lost, you can look.
01:21:50Can you will find me?
01:21:53Time after time.
01:21:56If you fall, I will catch you.
01:21:58I'll be waiting.
01:21:59Coco delivery.
01:22:02Oh, it's sculptures.
01:22:04There we go.
01:22:07How are the celestial bodies tonight behaving?
01:22:11It's the Ata Aquarid meteor shower.
01:22:14I might need a telescope and see with the naked eye.
01:22:17Well, maybe we should, uh, look at them together.
01:22:25Oh, look.
01:22:26A shooting star.
01:22:28Oh.
01:22:31Technically, it's, uh, it's meteorite debris from Haley's Comet.
01:22:35Well, I know it's not a real shooting star, but I want to make a wish.
01:22:40Oh, yes.
01:22:46You hear that bird?
01:22:50That's definitely a nightingale.
01:22:52How can you tell?
01:22:54What's not an owl?
01:22:56And it's night.
01:22:59You wouldn't have a nightingale if it perched on the end of your nose.
01:23:02Definitely, definitely a nightingale.
01:23:02Do you ever wonder if there's anything more than this?
01:23:09I don't need anything more than this.
01:23:11I have the universe out there, and I have you.
01:23:18I have everything I've ever wanted.
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