00:00Hi, we are the creators of Hacks, and this is the Hacks Guide to Hollywood.
00:04Ding!
00:05How do you respond to let's get lunch when you don't want to get lunch ever?
00:09Tell them you're on Ozumbic.
00:12What do you say when someone wants to meet for coffee just to pick your brain?
00:17Delete.
00:18Say if you can find it.
00:24And then that nips in the bug because they don't want to go with you anymore?
00:28They realize you have nothing to offer them, so they...
00:31Actually, this email brings up a really triggering thing because I just had an MRI and they found that most
00:36of my skull is empty.
00:38They're not sure how I'm alive.
00:39Did you see that report of that person?
00:41There's a guy that has like no brain and they're like, we don't know how he's alive.
00:44We're now thinking about the brain differently.
00:47Actually, here's my MRI, you just click that.
00:49You send a picture of his brain.
00:50You send a picture of a peanut.
00:51What's the fastest way to seem successful in Hollywood?
00:55I know this.
00:55What?
00:56You walk into a party or a room and you do this.
00:59I owe you an email.
01:00Yeah.
01:00Yeah, I owe you an email.
01:02Say that just to somebody.
01:03I owe you an email.
01:03You just do that off camera.
01:05You do that like over people's heads.
01:07You walk into the Oscars.
01:09I owe you an email.
01:10You know what I mean?
01:11You point a breath out.
01:11I owe you an email.
01:13You're probably not.
01:14You seem successful.
01:16What's the fastest way to actually be successful in Hollywood?
01:19Hard work.
01:21Oh, wow.
01:21That sucks.
01:23That's awful, dude.
01:24Wait, oh wait, the fastest way?
01:25That's not fast.
01:26That's actually slow.
01:27Fastest way?
01:28I don't know.
01:28I don't know who's watching this.
01:30I don't know what I can say.
01:31How inappropriate can I be?
01:33How fast do you want it to be?
01:35Oh, Jesus Christ.
01:36Jesus Christ.
01:38Oh my God.
01:39Just so you're clear, it took us a long time.
01:42Yeah, I started with hard work.
01:45I started with hard work.
01:46But you had another way that we could have done?
01:48Yeah, wait, why did you tell us?
01:49I have said it before.
01:52I have said it before.
01:54How do you deal with a star who is a diva?
01:57You say, stop it, Paul.
02:02I was trying to get there too.
02:03That was good.
02:04That was good.
02:06You read a script and it's bad.
02:07How do you nicely tell them it's terrible?
02:09Hey, did you send that brain scam image again
02:10that I was talking about?
02:11That one guy's...
02:12See, I didn't get it.
02:14But here's also my brain.
02:16No.
02:17What if you say, what if you say,
02:18I hope you take this nicely, but it's terrible.
02:20Yeah.
02:21How do you handle getting a note from the network
02:22that you have no intention of taking?
02:24I reply and I CC my lawyer and I say,
02:27is this considered slander?
02:29Is this...
02:29I feel there's an undertone here that may be problematic.
02:33What do you think, PJ?
02:36Usually it stops there.
02:37Usually there's no response.
02:38You CC your lawyer on something, everything's good.
02:41At least if PJ Shapiro's your lawyer.
02:43What's the polite way to say,
02:44I'm too famous for that now?
02:46Oh God.
02:48I don't know.
02:48I always do it just like that.
02:50I think true...
02:51There's no too famous for anything.
02:53The most famous people on earth...
02:55They'll do anything.
02:57They'll do anything.
02:58Yeah.
02:59It is the people who aren't really famous
03:00that want you to think they're famous
03:02or are going to be rude about that.
03:03So actually, when you see Tom Cruise do something
03:06that you're like, wow, I can't believe he does that,
03:08you're like, he is truly famous.
03:09Exactly.
03:10So if you want to seem famous...
03:12But what does he do?
03:13Like pump gas.
03:14Yeah.
03:14Does he do that?
03:15I'm sure he does.
03:17I feel like he does.
03:18Christian Bale does.
03:18I'm always seeing him jumping out of something,
03:20jumping onto a motorcycle.
03:21He does stunts.
03:22That alone.
03:23I'm like, that is...
03:25He's not too famous to do his own stunts.
03:26Yeah.
03:27Okay, great example.
03:28Yeah.
03:28You run into someone who says,
03:31nice to see you,
03:32and you have no idea who they are.
03:34What do you say?
03:36Nice to see you too, babe.
03:37You look fab.
03:40Doll, did you get a facelift?
03:41I've never seen you look so good.
03:43And you have no idea who they are?
03:45You say, I'm sorry.
03:45I'm on a Zipik and I've lost my vision.
03:48Can it do that?
03:50Yes.
03:51No.
03:51People are going blind, aren't they?
03:53No wonder the 10 is the best.
03:54Don't quote me.
03:56Don't quote me.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I said no wonder the 10 is the 10.
04:01What is the best?
04:02The 10.
04:02She's saying, you know,
04:03Zipik has caused people to lose their vision,
04:06and there's crazy traffic in Los Angeles because of it,
04:10which may be.
04:11We're still working on the show while we're doing press,
04:14so excuse me.
04:15That's pretty good.
04:15That's pretty good.
04:16Yeah, you can lose your vision.
04:17Apparently.
04:18And it's only some reports.
04:20That's so scary.
04:20Don't.
04:20Listen, I'm not advocating or hating.
04:22The stock is diving.
04:25What do you tell someone just starting out in the industry
04:29who thinks certain tasks are beneath them?
04:33You say, Tom Cruise pumps gas, babe.
04:34You better get to it.
04:35What are you doing?
04:38They say, I don't want to do that dry cleaning run.
04:41And then you go, Tom Cruise just so stunned.
04:42Tom Cruise gets his own dry cleaning,
04:44and he does it with no helmet, babe.
04:46He's on his motorcycle standing on it with one foot
04:47getting his dry cleaning.
04:48He's on his speed bike to Milton Eddy's.
04:51Yeah.
04:52You've got to go get that dry cleaning, girl.
04:54But curious what other people say.
04:56Yeah.
04:56Curious what Tom would say about that.
04:58Well, this has been Hollywood Reporter's Hacks Guide to Hollywood.
05:02We've kind of cracked the code on that.
05:05Drive safely all.
05:06Be careful on the tent.
05:09And see you at the dry cleaners.
Comments