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Rivals - Season 1 Episode 2 Engsub PrimeCut Series
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00:21It's easy to get down and high
00:25Where the world of love feels bright
00:29Gonna be real good
00:30Yeah, I gotta try so far
00:33Stucky,ucky,ucky
00:34And on the day fourth-form pupils begin studying for their new GCSE exams,
00:40we put a group of consciousness shopkeepers through their paces
00:43to see how much they can remember from their O-level maths.
00:47Meanwhile, here at Carillium, we are buzzing with excitement
00:51for our new live show, Declan.
00:53Declan's first guest will be Hollywood hellraiser Johnny Friedlander,
00:57one of the cinema's brightest stars.
00:59In his first interview since being the unfortunate victim of a sex tape scandal two years ago,
01:04the reclusive star is on his way to Carillium Studios as we speak.
01:10Can Declan O'Hara coax him out of his shell?
01:12And what about those James Bond rumours?
01:16That's Declan, live tonight at 8 o'clock,
01:19with his very first interview here at Carillium,
01:22right after Coronation Street.
01:23I'll definitely be tuning in.
01:38Run!
01:39Run!
01:42Run!
01:44Run!
01:44Run!
01:47Run!
01:51Run!
01:57Run!
01:59Run!
02:01Run!
03:01Tony!
03:03Mr. Freelander, welcome to Carinium.
03:06Please, call me Johnny.
03:07Tony Batting, please come on through.
03:18Your first live audience.
03:19You're not going to wear those socks on the program.
03:21We get this right, Jersey.
03:23No one will be looking at me feet.
03:41Good night, ladies.
03:51Hi, sir.
03:52Showtime, everyone.
03:53Sure is.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Hi.
03:58So, um, Paddy and Mirka walk into the pub, and they spot a sign saying,
04:02Tree Fellas Wanted.
04:03So Paddy turns to make any sense.
04:05Well, it's dead of shame there's only the two of us.
04:06You know I can hear you, Brian.
04:08You don't tell jokes of the Jews or Blacks anymore, so why are you picking on the Irish?
04:11Okay, mate.
04:12Can we get some level?
04:12Cut the fucking Paddy jokes, or I'll knock you from here to the Irish Sea.
04:15Is that leveling up for you?
04:16Yeah.
04:17Loud and clear story, Declan.
04:19Cameron?
04:20Are you there?
04:22What am I supposed to do with the, uh, cards?
04:24We talked about this.
04:25Declan O'Hara doesn't hide behind a desk.
04:27If you'd let me see the questions, I could have fed them to you.
04:31Just trust me, will you?
04:37Where's Johnny?
04:38Houston, do we have a problem?
04:43Declan's a journalist of international statutes.
04:45So, the fact that he left the BBC for us, it's all very impressive, Lord B.
04:50Of course, it's the wife who's the TV viewer around our eyes.
04:52Well, it's documentaries mostly, but I do find Dallas a guilty pleasure.
04:56Well, who doesn't love Dallas?
04:58Hi.
04:59Hi.
04:59Thanks for speaking to him.
05:00New programs.
05:01Can give J.R. a run for his money.
05:03Have you seen Four Men When to Mone?
05:04Well, the goose is here.
05:05Excuse me a night.
05:07Betty Gosling, so good of you to come.
05:09Do you know the Reverend Penny, my deputy on the Franchise Renewal Committee?
05:13Of course, welcome.
05:13Well, looking forward to some scrupulous broadcast journalism tonight.
05:17I was just remarking, what with it being a set in every living room these days.
05:21Television companies must recognize that they are the custodians of the nation's morality.
05:37I'm working.
05:44Showtime, Mr. Freelander.
05:51That's Four Men When to Mone.
05:52Wednesday night, nine o'clock.
05:54Oh, lovely.
05:56That's a very nice line.
05:57How long have we got?
06:00I'll get it.
06:04I think we just found our fox.
06:09Doug, Doug, it's him.
06:11Oh, my God.
06:11This isn't daring me.
06:15Hello, Rupert.
06:16Where's your darling?
06:17Hello.
06:17We were just passing.
06:18Successful day?
06:19Well, little fucker gave us the slip.
06:21Fun just interrupt us.
06:23Sorry.
06:23Hello, my name's Ketan.
06:24How are you?
06:28Sit, bunny girl.
06:31Hello, you found the Holy Grail.
06:32It is okay, Declan.
06:34The eagle has landed.
06:41Can you have some level, please?
06:43What did you have for breakfast, Johnny?
06:44Want to give me a rest?
06:46Declan looks nervous.
06:47He cut me dead earlier.
06:48It's awfully uncool to get so uptight.
06:50Shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.
06:53Run music.
06:54Five.
06:57Four.
06:58Three.
07:00Two.
07:03One.
07:03I'm in.
07:13Why aren't you in the audience, Maud?
07:15Daddy gets too nervous if money's there.
07:16Isn't it daft?
07:17Because he cares what you think more than anyone in the world.
07:19Oh, it means I miss a lot of parties.
07:22Good evening.
07:23I'm Declan O'Hara.
07:24My guest tonight is one of the world's most recognizable stars.
07:26Room for small.
07:27He's the star of box office smashes such as Last Man on Mars,
07:29Highway 12, and Dog Tag 3.
07:31Voyage to Vietnam, to name just a few.
07:33He's been nominated for numerous awards, but in recent years, it's his turbulent personal
07:36life.
07:37And, of course, finding himself the victim of a cruel honey trap, which has attracted almost
07:40as much attention as his films.
07:42Johnny Friedlander, welcome to the show.
07:43What's it like seeing your ex-partner in Grime, Root?
07:45You know Johnny Friedlander?
07:47Well, shared a few lovers back in the day.
07:49Yeah.
07:50Not silly enough to let anyone film me having sex, though.
07:52What a crowd.
07:53People are excited to see you.
07:54Well, I gotta say, that's nice.
07:55It's been a while since I've done one of these.
07:57So why do this interview now?
07:59Okay.
07:59Well, I feel it's time to move on.
08:02That's what we're here for.
08:03Now, Johnny, your last film was mired in controversy.
08:06There were stories that you were late to set, you picked fights with the director, you passed
08:10out of the wheel while driving under the influence.
08:11See, nobody prepares you for fame.
08:13You don't know how you're going to react to being given a case to the candy store.
08:16It turns out that I react by overdosing on candy.
08:19You don't know, don't you think?
08:21Absolutely.
08:22I'm not sure about the songs.
08:27Jesus Christ, he's son of a nerd.
08:33And what was it like when you drove off that bridge?
08:38Well, I woke up the second I hit the water, but man, it was scary.
08:42Thank God I was in a convertible or I'd be at the bottom of the river now.
08:46But yeah, I had to get sober.
08:48Four hundred and fifteen days later, the world looks more beautiful than ever.
09:02Now, shall we talk about the sex tape?
09:05Why not?
09:06The elephant's in the room already.
09:08Crapping in the corner.
09:09Is the girl okay?
09:10Miss, uh, Miss Cortez?
09:13Hell, I don't know.
09:14You don't see her?
09:15Uh, none of my Christmas card lists, no.
09:17But she is, uh, she's an actress, right?
09:19I don't know, uh, we met in a bar.
09:22Hope she got a lot of money out of the whole thing.
09:24Is $5,000 a lot of money?
09:27According to Miss Cortez, that's when you paid her to have sex with you and then take the tape to
09:30the National Enquirer.
09:31What?
09:32Oh, fuck.
09:34You said you were the victim.
09:36But in fact, you paid her to video herself having sex with you, as if it had been filmed undercover,
09:41so that when she took the tape to the press, you could pretend that you'd been set up.
09:45Simultaneously, getting sympathy as the victim of a honey trap while reaping a ton of publicity that made you look
09:49like a virile sex god.
09:50Yeah, she got publicity too, trust me.
09:51You sat back and let the press vilify her to the extent that all her acting were dried up.
09:56You could have stepped in and told the truth, but you didn't.
09:59The world would have believed you, but your silence demolished her.
10:03Your stock shot up overnight while Pia Cortez lost her apartment.
10:07$5,000 for a woman's reputation.
10:09Is that a fair price?
10:09What reputation?
10:10She was a porn actress.
10:11I paid her to make a porno.
10:25Fuck.
10:25We've lost him.
10:26He's going to walk out.
10:38Oh, man.
10:38I'm an ass.
10:40What did you do?
10:42Tell two to hold on Johnny.
10:45Stay on Johnny.
10:46Now, move in.
10:48Slowly, slowly.
10:50Slowly.
10:51It wouldn't get there so that'd be a PC.
10:53Give me the sweat beating on his brow.
10:55This is the one.
10:56I'd had four flops in a row, and I'm scared.
11:01It's the worst thing about Hollywood is when you're out.
11:04All you can think about is how to get back in.
11:07What a mess.
11:10The worst part is, I really like that girl.
11:16I thought she had something.
11:18What would you say to her?
11:20If she was here?
11:21Yeah, she's an L.A. man.
11:22No.
11:23She might see it.
11:24She never know.
11:28Okay.
11:30Um, sure.
11:37Tia, if you're watching, I'm sorry.
11:43I'm an ass.
11:44Let me buy you a drink.
11:46Or a car.
11:48Whatever you want.
11:50I'm sorry.
11:58Man, I've been sitting on that seat for too long.
12:01Feel good to get it off your chest?
12:04God, the water here.
12:05Tastes good.
12:07Can I get another?
12:08Join us again after the break when I'll be asking Johnny about James Bond.
12:12Don't go away.
12:14Coming clear.
12:16Can I stand by, everyone?
12:18Three minutes.
12:19That was more stressful than I expected.
12:20Daddy always goes in for the kill.
12:22He really has mastered this, you're definitely.
12:25I mean, isn't that erotic?
12:26Doing a video?
12:26Well, I think it is if you've made it for each other, or you watch it when they're away.
12:31Or watch together.
12:32It's a warm-up.
12:33Yeah, it could be pretty hot.
12:34But the right co-star.
12:36I can't imagine James wanting to make a sex video of me.
12:38The camera puts pounds on you, and he already thinks I'm fat.
12:42Well, he's mad.
12:43Yeah.
12:43You're exquisite.
12:47Sandwich?
12:47Anyone?
12:48Yeah, I'm starving.
12:50Oh, my God, you made this, Debbie.
12:51The ambrosial.
12:52Please, please tell me you'll come and work for me.
12:54Caitlin, go and fetch another one of these for me, please.
12:56No, I tried working in a restaurant.
12:58It was just, er, it was too hectic.
12:59Well, you could do people's dinner parties and things.
13:01A private chef.
13:02I bet you'd get bookings.
13:04I could put a word around if you'd like.
13:05Caitlin!
13:06Oh, Daddy's back.
13:13Here it is.
13:14Your closet, sir.
13:24Put something against that.
13:25Do you think Johnny Freelander arcades the door?
13:30The guy, he had the most stupid walk.
13:34Can I tell you what Cubby Broccoli said when my people called up and suggested me?
13:37He said he'd sooner have James Bond played by a woman.
13:43Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Freelander!
13:56APPLAUSE
14:03Good job.
14:05Johnny, I think you should have filled our company.
14:06This is Ginger Banes.
14:07Hey, hey, bastard.
14:08Swag Johnny's dressing room.
14:10Get him a bottle of vodka.
14:11Oh, no, I did that.
14:12What?
14:13Why didn't you tell me?
14:15We needed your first show to be jaw-dropping television.
14:17No way was I leaving that to chance.
14:18And you didn't tell me you were going to skewer the guy live on air.
14:20You don't think he fucks your producer if not to know that.
14:22We didn't need to push him off the wagon.
14:24I didn't need help.
14:25Yeah, you didn't need a desk either, did you?
14:28Hi, this is Esther McLeod.
14:29Hi, how are you doing?
14:30This is Lady Gosling.
14:32Hi, how are you doing?
14:32Hello.
14:33Freddie Jones.
14:34How are you doing?
14:34His lovely wife.
14:35How are you doing?
14:36James Zareka.
14:37Hi, how are you doing?
14:38This is the backroom boys.
14:39How are you doing?
14:40Daisy.
14:40How are you doing?
14:41This is Deirdre.
14:42Hi, how are you doing?
14:48At least he didn't film you.
14:51He's a mug.
14:52He looked like a Charlie's angel.
14:55Thanks, Esther.
14:56He's nice.
14:58He's very good, isn't he?
14:59Not the new Julian Cremium's crown.
15:02Extraordinary song.
15:03Oh, yeah.
15:03He has so much character.
15:04He's a breather fresher.
15:05It's such a shame that you couldn't get Campbell Black onto the board.
15:09Wow.
15:09Is Freddie Jones in the back?
15:11Oh, very much so.
15:12Very much so.
15:13They're much more used to us.
15:15His expertise in technology, business, the real world.
15:18I've got to say, Declan's got some brass.
15:20I thought Johnny was going to lamp him one.
15:21How do you keep it together?
15:22All that going on?
15:23Can I tell you a secret?
15:25That was my first time taking a show out live.
15:27Did you like it?
15:28Oh, my God.
15:29The adrenaline.
15:30Yes, I loved it.
15:31But please don't ask me these specifics.
15:32It's a blur.
15:33You've met Cameron, then?
15:35You need people that can deliver under pressure, don't you?
15:37Diamonds.
15:37I couldn't agree more.
15:39That's why we're courting you for the board.
15:43You're getting the fuck of a lifetime tonight.
15:58Isn't that crazy?
15:59And then the man started turning up at the house.
16:02And you're so in love with Mummy.
16:03But then Daddy found out about it, and that wasn't funny at all.
16:06Sure.
16:07Caitlin.
16:09Anyway, that's the real reason why we moved out of London.
16:11Daddy's new job came just at the right time.
16:23I'm a slave to love.
16:27Mrs. Thatcher tells me if I want to succeed in politics, I have to keep my nose clean.
16:30No more cunnilingus, then.
16:33Maud's got a thumping crush on you.
16:35Declan looks strong.
16:36I'd watch yourself.
16:40Darling, you know I love you to bits.
16:43And never tell me what to do.
16:54I love you to bits.
16:56I love you to bits.
16:58I'm a sucker.
17:00Bye.
17:00Bye.
17:01Bye.
17:06Bye.
17:20I must be exhausted.
17:23How did I do?
17:24You were wonderful.
17:44Christ, you're wet.
17:47I've been thinking about you coming out.
17:54Oh, what is it?
18:02Everything all right?
18:05Shitting awful evening, actually.
18:06Oh, I'm sorry.
18:08You should have come with me to watch a new Declan show.
18:12That was...
18:13brilliant.
18:19You might be a little more supportive, Lizzie.
18:32I mean, it's only my first date boarding school.
18:34It's not like it's momentous or anything, is it?
18:35I'm sorry I can't drive you there.
18:36You know, Daddy needs the car this morning.
18:38I didn't mean you.
18:42Bye-bye, gorgeous, ugly dog.
18:49Is Mummy going to start one of her things with Rupert?
18:51I'm not going to keep her secrets again if she does.
18:56Oh, Mummy and Daddy will be okay.
18:58Keep an eye on them, I promise.
19:00Oh, I'm going to miss you.
19:02Come on.
19:02Now go.
19:03I'm going.
19:07Just you and me now, Pops.
19:12Good evening.
19:13I'm Jackson O'Hara.
19:14God, you won't stop talking.
19:16Why don't you give me the rest?
19:20You've got more rabbit than Sainsbury's.
19:22This time you've got it all for shit.
19:25Now you were just the kind of girl to break my heart into.
19:29I knew I'd all can, I'd just put my eyes on you.
19:32But how was I to know you'd bend my ear off too?
19:35With your incessant talking.
19:37You'll be coming.
19:38That's what we've got to do tonight.
19:40Oh, Robert!
19:40That's amazing, yeah.
19:41Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit.
19:43Now you're a wonderful girl.
19:46You've got a wonderful...
19:49You've got a wonderful...
19:50Get off the line.
19:52You've got a charm.
19:55And I was not to know you may buy your arms too.
19:58But you're incessant talking.
20:01Yes, Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit.
20:04Yeah, Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit.
20:05Yeah, Bebbit, Bebbit, Bebbit.
20:05Get ready, get ready, get ready, get ready.
20:08Get ready.
20:11Oh my God.
20:14Oof, look at all this.
20:16I think it's a neighborhood dinner party.
20:17Why didn't Valerie Jones invite you to hand me?
20:19I don't know, Mummy.
20:20She did, I said we couldn't do it.
20:22What? I've work to do.
20:24I never get to go anywhere.
20:26I mean, how can we meet anyone if you're going to turn down everything just to prepare your stupid program?
20:30My stupid program is all just paying the bills on this rotting pile of bricks, and all you do is
20:34spend money.
20:35I mean, why the fuck do we own a harp?
20:36Oh, well, you want to take my music away from me? It's all that I have left.
20:38I have to go to work.
20:39No, no, I'm still talking to you.
20:40We can talk about a leisure.
20:42Good luck, Tiger.
20:43You know, it's a good job that you bought a Priory, because I might as well be a nun.
20:48You know, he's still punishing me.
20:49I mean, when is it going to stop?
20:55My congratulations, both of you.
20:5710 million viewers.
20:58I want 12 mil this week.
20:59What?
21:00I can't believe you got that story out of Mick Jagger.
21:02People like telling me things.
21:03Psychiatrist to the stars.
21:04So who's next on the couch?
21:05Diana.
21:06Doesn't do TV.
21:07Arnold Schwarzenegger?
21:08Jesus, he can't even speak.
21:09Joanna Lumley.
21:10Rupert Campbell Black.
21:11No way.
21:12Celebrity?
21:12Ex-Olympian, a heartthrob, so I'm told, and now minister for sports.
21:14Surely that's an extraordinary trajectory.
21:16There's no hinterland.
21:17If I'm to interview someone whose politics I despise I want to wear the opponent.
21:20Could you stop swinging your dick for a moment?
21:21If you stop swinging your vagina.
21:23Okay, okay, okay, okay.
21:26Declan's right.
21:26Campbell Black's an arrogant brat.
21:28Everything people hate about the upper classes.
21:29Why do you hate him so much?
21:31Because he always gets everything he wants.
21:34Joyce, Rupert Campbell Black.
21:36I wasn't surprised when the wife left.
21:38He'll never settle, will he?
21:40Doesn't that make him an interesting interview?
21:42He's the only man in England who can come out of a sex scandal with a promotion.
21:45Minister for sport, for God's sake.
21:47The man plays tennis naked.
21:48He's an irredeemable shit.
21:50We needn't pour fertilizer on his already overgrown ego.
21:53Who do you want, Declan?
21:55Thatcher.
21:56Margaret Thatcher?
21:57No, Charles. Fuckin' Dennis Thatcher.
21:58Look, she'll never say yes anyway.
22:00She thinks I'm an eye-or-ray pink or...
22:01Well, let's see.
22:02I've donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party.
22:05It's not the public who decides which way the election goes, is it?
22:09Alright, stop staring at me. Fuck off.
22:11We've all got work to do.
22:13Declan?
22:14Yeah?
22:14Don't go. Have a proper drink.
22:15After you then.
22:19You've got viewing figures most people would sell their granny for.
22:22So, I'm just wondering why you're still unhappy here.
22:26Hmm, Cameron?
22:27No. No.
22:28I mean, she's hard work, but you're right.
22:31She knows what she's doing.
22:31I... I...
22:33I just have a lot in my mind.
22:34Money stuff.
22:36I have an unpaid tax bill to follow me around.
22:3880 grand.
22:41London wasn't cheap.
22:42With a wife who throws a party every time someone blows their nose.
22:46All right, well...
22:48Well, I settled with the inland revenue for you.
22:51You can pay me back when you can.
22:52Nobody need to know about it.
22:53Just the tools.
22:54And I can't.
22:56That's very decent of you.
22:58Self-interest, really.
22:59You're no good to be preoccupied.
23:02No.
23:04No more.
23:05Cheers.
23:06You're running just for every situation.
23:10Moving through the doorway of that nation.
23:13Pick me up and shake the doubt.
23:15Baby, I can't do without.
23:17Don't mess around.
23:19You bring me down in.
23:21How you get about this don't make sense.
23:22Slow down.
23:34Are you always this height?
23:35I can usually size people by looking.
23:37Well, I didn't think you'd want me to serve things.
23:38Well, I can't exactly do it myself, can I?
23:39And you know to go round the dinner table, clock-wise, don't you?
23:42Go pink, Sharon.
23:42And I need you to write the menu out.
23:44One for each end of the table in French, if you don't mind.
23:46Hello, Taggy.
23:47Nice get up.
23:48Grub smells good.
23:49I'm still cross with you, Fred Fred.
23:50I mean, what were you thinking?
23:51Inviting a single man.
23:51I mean, what kind of a dinner party have you had nine guests?
23:53Ten guests now.
23:54Because I've just invited a single woman.
23:55To balance the books.
23:56Fred Fred, how crutchu?
23:58Now I'm going to have to change the whole placement.
24:03Terrific.
24:05I could help you with the menus.
24:07I'm doing French for GCSE.
24:14They're going to be here soon, Mrs Makepeace.
24:16Yes, Mrs Doones.
24:17Sorry, did you decide if you want the cheese first or the pavlova?
24:20Fred Fred?
24:20Cheese or dessert?
24:22I don't think people say pudding.
24:23Pudding?
24:24But dessert is French.
24:25Agatha, which is it?
24:26I don't know.
24:27Pudding.
24:28Feeling it aboard in school?
24:30Chin up, Marcy.
24:31We've worked so hard, we can enjoy it now.
24:33I mean, who'd have thought that you and me and the tender lord and the lady, eh?
24:38Right.
24:50It's a nice, cosy dinner.
24:52I'm afraid he's bumming a board seat at the end of it.
24:54I've rather implied to Lady Gosling he's already said yes, so we need to reel him in tonight.
24:58We might as well kiss goodbye to the franchise.
25:00No, absolutely.
25:00Operation Charm Offensive.
25:02Well, offensive is right.
25:03I'll be forced to admire the soft furnishings.
25:05Fitted carpets everywhere.
25:07Well, don't let Valerie Jones get you, darling.
25:09You know who she reminds you of.
25:11Who?
25:11Your mother.
25:13Oh.
25:23Come on.
25:25You've got five minutes.
25:26Yeah, well, five minutes is how long it takes to do this bloody dress up.
25:30No, right.
25:32Um, you know I need you to, er, behave yourself this evening, don't you?
25:36Er, I want Tony to invite you onto the board at Carinium, and we need to look proper.
25:41Respectable.
25:42Darling, is this about Rupert?
25:43It was just a silly flirtation.
25:45Come on, you know I love you most of all.
25:47Besides, I thought you wanted a young wife that everyone admires.
25:50I do, darling.
25:51I just prefer they admire you from further away.
26:03So it was a considerable renovation?
26:05Yes, it was terribly pokey.
26:07Three bedrooms and only the one bathroom, so we had to extend.
26:10But once we'd rendered over the old stonework, you can't tell the joy between the old and new.
26:14I thought this was a listed building.
26:15Oh, it is.
26:16Yeah.
26:16Fred Fred has friends in high places.
26:19I mean, one needs a good-sized lounge for entertaining.
26:21Hmm.
26:22I don't want to behave.
26:24I think it ain't charming.
26:30I think I've had this dream.
26:32Valerie made me.
26:33She's so short.
26:35Brevity is the soul of wit.
26:37And I can almost see your brevities.
26:43In fact, this is the listed building.
26:45The rules.
26:46I can't.
26:47Don't worry.
26:51Oh.
26:53Darling, you look ravishing.
26:55Oh, James hates this, but it's the only clean one I've got.
26:58Um.
26:58Hello, Valerie.
27:01Evening, Stratton.
27:02Listen.
27:03I think you've given the wrong impression about the tennis game with your wife.
27:05Or quite innocent.
27:06Sort of thing that wouldn't bat an eyelid on the continent.
27:07Good, clean, open-air fun.
27:09Shake hands and play nicely, shall we?
27:18Freddy!
27:19Sound system!
27:20Oh, sorry, love.
27:21Wrong work.
27:22Look, Freddy's equipment is staggering.
27:28I, er, I gather you spent this afternoon on the couch with my husband.
27:30Yes.
27:31Do you mind?
27:32No.
27:32Good for you.
27:33I hope you told him it was marvellous afterwards.
27:37Thanks, Fred.
27:38Nature abhors of acting.
27:40Yes, so does my cleaner.
27:42That's very good.
27:43It's very good.
27:45Can you show me the sound system?
27:47I'll be back in a tick.
27:49You're ahead with the host.
27:51And you're next to him at dinner.
27:53Uh-huh.
27:57Right.
27:57I'm off to see what decorative hell Valerie's unleashed on the downstairs loom.
28:01Clickroom, darling.
28:02Clickroom.
28:08What?
28:12Your expertise.
28:15Of course, you're busy.
28:16Well, I think you like feeling useful.
28:18We'd have fun.
28:18I'm not trying to seduce you onto his board, is he?
28:21We're a viable, growing company with excellent prospects.
28:23The financial awards are considerable.
28:25Ah, must we bring money into it.
28:27Fred is a businessman.
28:28It's what we do.
28:29You ever said no to this man?
28:30Frequently.
28:31Did you enjoy the polo?
28:32Oh, you're a very bad influence.
28:34I don't act for three days.
28:35Freddie!
28:36Mr. Vereker and Mrs. Stratton are on the television.
28:39Oh, yes.
28:39You want to see this?
28:40Yeah.
28:40Oh, God.
28:50Sarah, welcome.
28:51Hi, James.
28:52Absolutely.
28:52There you are, Sarah.
28:54Where's Sarah?
28:55You've been married to Paul Stratton, MP for Cochester, for a few months now.
28:58How do you see your role as the wife of an MP?
29:00To support my husband in every possible way.
29:03And how do you get on with Paul's family?
29:04I mean, his children must be nearly as old as you are.
29:06Oh, very good, James.
29:07Gripping stuff.
29:08No pressure on Paul to leave his first wife.
29:09But because he eventually made that decision, you know, I'm branded a scarlet woman.
29:13So I've had to try even harder to prove myself a good woman.
29:19Cute.
29:33Hello, Cameron.
29:34Let me get you a drink.
29:35They were glued to the local news, I'm afraid.
29:37Well, thank you.
29:37Oh, James!
29:38Stop it.
29:40Are you 21?
29:41Oh, please.
29:42And the rest.
29:42She's a natural, isn't she?
29:44Well, it's just wonderful to see her opening up.
29:45I understand the...
29:46Oh, James!
29:47Oh, James!
29:49Oh, James!
29:49Oh, James!
30:01There he is.
30:02Oh, James!
30:15Excellent!
30:17Oh, James!
30:24Don't last the seconds, all right?
30:26Is this not fishing?
30:28You cologne?
30:28I wear it all the time.
30:29I like it.
30:30You sure the lighting wasn't a bit hard?
30:31It was brilliant.
30:33What the hell are you doing here?
30:34Freddie called every life.
30:35I couldn't see no to him, could I?
30:37They're running outrageous.
30:38Stay on the way.
30:41Well, I clearly drew the long straw.
30:45Are we all with you?
30:46Yeah.
30:49Ah, Cavendish.
30:50We've never really had a proper chat, have we?
30:52No, we haven't.
30:53Will you be here?
30:53Oh, Monica, please.
30:54We're all friends here.
31:02Rupert Campbell Black.
31:05I presume since we're the only people here with our partners
31:07that we're being set up with each other,
31:09and just so you know, I am perfectly comfortable with them.
31:11Do you have a boyfriend?
31:13Kind of.
31:15Kind of?
31:16Mm-hmm.
31:17That's kind.
31:21Sorry, I think, uh, someone's been playing with the, um...
31:24Anything all right, Valerie?
31:26Yes.
31:27Quite, quite all right.
31:28Do you work with Cavendish, do you?
31:30Her name's Cannon.
31:31No, I promise it's not.
31:33No, Cavendish.
31:34See?
31:35James thought you were called Cameron.
31:37Yeah.
31:37It's Cameron.
31:38Yeah.
31:39But it's between all his answer to Cavendish, so why didn't you say anything?
31:42Well, you know my boss's wife.
31:45But, silly girl.
31:46There's no need...
31:48Honestly, what peculiar behaviour?
31:54Salon noodles.
31:55Do you like salmon noodles?
31:56Sir, what have you got?
31:57Chinged French peasant, crevave sauce.
32:00Desert, chateau.
32:02I think it's garnished from actual sand.
32:04Garnished with leftover peasants?
32:06Not frequently, no.
32:08Oh, quiet, Agatha, please.
32:10Sorry.
32:10Ready to love.
32:27Ah, tagging.
32:29I've devoured those cultures, isn't it?
32:31It looks amazing.
32:33I'm too loveable a pheasant.
32:33It looks delicious.
32:35And how'd you get on with Declan?
32:36Well, I'm his producer, which gives him license to be obnoxious.
32:39God knows how his wife puts up with him.
32:41Well, you could ask Taggy here.
32:42She's his daughter.
32:44Oh, God, I'm sorry.
32:45It's all sport with you, isn't it?
32:47Blood sport, mostly the chase.
32:49Oh, but if you caught something, I don't think you know what to do with it.
32:52She's quite the ball breaker, your new producer.
32:54Where'd you find her?
32:55Hunted her down in New York.
32:56Ah, blood sports again.
32:57You guys go to school together or something?
32:58Oh, no, no, no, no.
33:00And that's funny, why?
33:02Because, as it happens, no, we didn't.
33:05Rupert went to Harrow.
33:07I went to grammar school.
33:08And you'll never let anyone forget it, will you?
33:10I wasn't going to say anything of the sort of you that won't let anyone forget it, Battingham.
33:15Tony was quite different as a boy.
33:18Oh.
33:18Billy Bunter, weren't you?
33:20Okay.
33:20What's grammar school and how is it different from where you went?
33:23Well, it's increasingly hard to say.
33:25Rupert's school cost a lot more, but they didn't spend any of it teaching him manners.
33:30Very good, Lady Battingham.
33:31I can't imagine you, Fat Tony.
33:32That's where I've got my drive to succeed.
33:34I wish Fred Fridge had a drive like that.
33:36We can't budge the scales at all.
33:37Ha!
33:39Be careful what you wish for, Valerie.
33:41Might drive him to some dangerous places.
33:43I've been meaning to say, Tony, we've found a presenter for our Caring for the Elderly segment.
33:47She's a Jamaican lady living in Cotchester, a 70-year-old widow with an adult daughter,
33:51which makes her a black single mother.
33:53Box tape.
33:54I was brought up by a black single mother.
33:56Can't wait to tune in.
34:03She's so exotic, isn't she?
34:05Where's she from?
34:05America, I think.
34:06Wayne likes black girls, don't you, Wayne?
34:08Watch out!
34:08You've got a picture of Grace Jones when I close on.
34:10I saw it in your pants drawer.
34:12Oh, it's going so well.
34:13The pheasant was divine.
34:15Everyone's saying so.
34:15Oh, I knew you'd be wonderful at this.
34:18I'm sorry I should put you in that thing.
34:19It was me who wrote the menus out.
34:21That's why the spelling's so bad.
34:22Oh, God.
34:24You're dyslexia.
34:26I'm so sorry.
34:27We thought we were taking the mickey out of...
34:30someone else.
34:32Well, you cook like a dream,
34:34even if you can't spell for shit.
34:37Oh!
34:40Bravo!
34:41A flover.
34:42Bravo!
34:55What's your favourite thing about your job?
34:57Well...
34:59What a lovely question.
35:03Space.
35:04Up there.
35:06Most British satellites use my computers now,
35:08and sometimes...
35:10I look up at the night sky
35:11and I see a little star
35:12winking back at me,
35:14and I think...
35:15I'll make that happen.
35:18And it blows my mind.
35:27Chateau Gatto.
35:29This looks...
35:30divine.
35:32Well done, Angel.
35:44You stupid bitch!
35:45What the fuck are you doing?
35:46I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
35:48Oops.
35:49Fetch a cloth, Agatha!
35:50Don't fetch a cloth, it's Armani.
35:51I'll pay for it.
35:53Oh, you couldn't begin to.
35:54You needn't be a bitch about it.
35:56Sorry.
35:58Come on.
35:59This is gonna get you toilet up.
36:00Come on, man.
36:03Rupert, how could you?
36:07God, that is exactly the kind of...
36:10I thought she'd like it.
36:12God knows her mother would have...
36:13Come in on just a buffet.
36:14They'd have for you to snack on.
36:15Perhaps she's not as innocent as you think she is,
36:17and that's a very cheeky little dress.
36:18Valerie made her wear it to do the job.
36:20Not that you'd understand.
36:22It looks like hers,
36:23but I thought her career was that important.
36:24Honestly, Rupert,
36:26this was badly done.
36:47Get away from me.
36:49I thought you wanted me to.
36:50Why on earth would you think that?
36:52Do you like to watch?
36:53Well, you might be grown up enough to play, too.
36:55You're disgusting,
36:56and I want nothing to do with you.
37:00Tag, hang on.
37:13Well, I've been trying to get into the evening.
37:16All these sobbing women.
37:18Valerie, all right?
37:20She's chuffed to bits that you're going to dinner.
37:23So thank you.
37:25So...
37:27This bald thing.
37:29My vow, she...
37:31She's came from here again to something more cultural.
37:34So why don't you send me over the business plan?
37:36I'll look over it.
37:38I'll give you a call on Monday.
37:43Bye.
37:43Bye.
37:53Last night was humiliating.
37:55I don't know if I can do this anymore.
37:58You and me.
37:59What?
38:00Why?
38:04You were at Valerie Jones' dinner party?
38:08Yeah.
38:08I gather you got pudding tipped all over you by my daughter.
38:11I'll pay for the cleaning bill.
38:11Wouldn't Rupert do that.
38:13It was him who made Taggy drop the pudding when he groped her.
38:17He what?
38:18I didn't know.
38:18I don't know.
38:20He was more than a pinch on the bottom, wasn't he?
38:22I didn't see it at the time, but grope sounds right.
38:24I'm sorry.
38:24He fucking what?
38:26Yeah.
38:26He's a promiscuous libertine, isn't he?
38:29Fondles whoever he likes.
38:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
38:34Wait, wait.
38:34Wait, bastard.
38:35Jesus, when I catch him up.
38:37Interview him to death?
38:39You know, that's an idea.
38:41Think about it.
38:42You go over there and thump him, who gets to see it?
38:43One housekeeper and a gardener at best.
38:46Have him on the show.
38:47You can flay him in front of 16 million people.
38:50Oh, but you already said you didn't want him, right?
38:52No hinterland.
38:53I didn't want him either.
38:54I didn't want to give him the exposure, but exposing him.
38:56Come on.
38:57That's a whole different show, isn't it?
38:58That's where you destroy him.
39:00And it lasts a fuck of a lot longer than a black eye.
39:04Revenge is a dish best served on television.
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